The things I've had to do

To have to let an undertaker take your tiny baby girl from your arms so they can poke and prod her tiny little body. To let them take your son on a two hour trip in an ambulance to see if they can save his life. To have to call your mother and tell her that one of her grandchildren is dead and the other probably won't make it and listening to her screams down the phone. To have to make a two hour trip knowing that you're only going to see your child hooked up to machines that he can never breathe without. To have to make a call to switch off the only thing keeping him alive. To ask your sister to make sure that the runners he will be buried in have Velcro so he can do them himself. To have the nurses ask for a photo of him so they know what he looked like before the accident. To ask the mortuary to wait for his sister, who was in another county, to be brought to dublin so that they could be buried together. To sleep on the sofa with two little white coffins sharing the room. To see those tiny little boxes being lowered into the ground. To go home and sit in their bedroom and try to smell their hair off their pillow. To look at all the toys they'll never get to play with again. To sit at the table to try and force some breakfast down and to see the empty highchair beside you. To have to tell the milkman not to bring the little cartons of school milk any more because they won't be needed. To have to explain to the bus driver that your children won't be getting the bus with you any more when he thinks you're having a day off. To call your son's Montessori and tell them he won't be back in September. To have to move house because the pain of living there is just too much to handle. To have to hide from the world when their first birthdays pass. He always just wanted to be four. To have to go away for Christmas because Santa wouldn't be visiting that year. To realise that the word around you is still moving and life is still going on while your world is slowly falling apart. To have to pick a headstone and be reminded to "leave space for when you die". To realise people aren't talking about your children any more. To realise that they're gone and they're not coming back and that life will never ever be the same again.

.

Kablamo!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Leogirl

There are no words. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. God bless you+ your little angels. X

eternal

A million condolences.

Thank you. It's a long time ago now. I've just never written it down like that before and it all hit me like a ton of bricks tonight and I just started typing. Sorry, I don't know why I posted it here. I'm not looking for advice just wanted to get the thoughts out x

Kintarō Hattori

Don't apologize. Sometimes you just need to get things out and don't even know why. Hope it's helped if even just a little.

hairyslug

Am sitting here in tears, I'm so sorry for your loss

Day Lewin

Love and terrible sadness, so well described. Honour to you.

Mam of 4

Such a brave , honest post to write . So sorry you had to go through all that , your strength and courage will no doubt help others to get through their darkest moments also.

Take care of yourself .

Ruu

Sorry for everything that you have been through. Lots of love and hugs to you. xxx PM, text if needed.

Blingy

Too sad for words. Hugs to you.

beyondbelief67

To say my thoughts are with you doesn't seem enough but that's all I can say as no words seem enough.

blackcard

Heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you

amdublin

I'm so so sorry.
Your poor little babies. Your poor you. Your poor family.
A massive hug across the internet to you xx

gonker

No words...so sorry for your loss.

nikkibikki

So, so sorry for your immense loss. I know there are no words. Not sure why I clicked on your thread but as I read it, the tears are flowing for you. Nobody should have to go through this.

Diane Selwyn

So sorry for your awful loss. It seems to me that normal rules of time (if there actually are any) don't apply to an experience like this so and in any rate I can't imagine it's something you would ever be 'over'. If you suddenly feel a need to talk about it or examine your feelings then the most healthy thing must be to do so regardless of how long it's been.

eviltwin

Whoops there are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss, your words are heartbreaking to read, I can't imagine what it's like to go through. You are one of the strongest, most inspiring posters on this site. I hope you have support there with you xxx

sweetie

As a parent, my heart goes out to you.

Ososlo

Not sure why I clicked this thread either as I rarely view stuff other than the athletics forum.
My thoughts are with you W. I only 'know' you from the running forum and always have great time and respect for what you have to say.
Take care of yourself.

gumgum1

Oh my god that's was the most heartbreaking thing to read I'm truly sorry you are going through this and I just wanted to type something to show that this stranger on boards is thinking of you. xx

ceekay74

For what it's worth, I'm so sorry for your losses. I admire the bravery in you sharing your experience.

NIMAN

I'm 10yrs on this website, and have never been affected so much by a post.

Heartbreaking to read, my thoughts go out to you. Take care.

endacl

Deleted User wrote: »

Thank you. It's a long time ago now. I've just never written it down like that before and it all hit me like a ton of bricks tonight and I just started typing. Sorry, I don't know why I posted it here. I'm not looking for advice just wanted to get the thoughts out x

You posted a couple of years ago about this, although not in such a moving way. It's often crossed my mind since. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've never met you, but I do think of what was taken from you from time to time. I couldn't bear it. I have no idea how you do. People closer to you might not mention your children as often as they should or could. I'm sure they think of them though.

KKkitty

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Grief is a horrible thing. One day you're fine and the next you're floored again. It never goes away completely. Your kids would be so proud of you though so don't forget that please. In other threads I've seen you post in you seem so jolly and happy. You're a very strong person whoops and don't forget that either. Whether you're online or just at home or wherever and you need someone to talk to I'm here as are so many others. Love and big hugs xx

Dizzyblonde

I saw your post on the main page and was drawn to it. My heart goes out to you xx

Stheno

Heartfelt wishes to you, I can't imagine that level of loss.

the_syco

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm not looking for advice just wanted to get the thoughts out x

Do. It's better to speak about your thoughts than keeping them bottled up.

Reach out and talk to someone about it, either counselling, or holy people. Or a friend.

Or just write about it here.

fred funk }{

And there was me worrying about a poxy job I have on tomorrow.

Moonbeam

Huge hugs

brevity

I remember you briefly posting something about what happened in AH and I have always thought about it...hope you are OK and are minding yourself.

Delphinium

Its 26 years since my 6 yr old son died having suffered cancer and its treatment. I still miss him daily, hourly. I cannot imagine your grief as your children seem to have been in an accident and there was no relief that death meant no more pain. Remember them, talk and try to focus on the good memories. I don't think grief lessens, you just learn to deal with it. Allow yourself to be sad.

Buona Fortuna

So sorry Woops.

eringobragh

Clicked on this recogniseing your name from a few MR2 threads

That was a hard read I'll be honest, stuff of nightmares.

Heartfelt Condoleses

wolverette

So sorry for your loss.

mailburner

well done on typing out your thoughts and having the courage to submit it here
it's something I did recently but couldnt go through with it

that kind of pain is simply unimaginable and I wish there were words I could say to make you feel better
take care of yourself whoops

SimonTemplar

I just want to add to the messages of support and condolences.
It was truly heartbreaking to read, so I can't begin to imagine what it was like to go through it. Nobody should have to go through such loss.

It was very brave of you to write such a post, and I am very sorry for your loss.

Ah whoops, you poor thing. All the best. And the same to Delphinium, and anyone else who has ever had to endure such a terrible loss. It doesn't even bear thinking about.

wil

I don't know what to say. Tomorrow maybe but today I don't know what to say. I should. I should be able to delve into my own grief and tell you it will all be ok. That would be a lie. I should be able to tell you I know how you feel. But I can't. I don't. I don't know how you feel. I barely know how I feel so how could I tell anyone I know.

All I will say tonight is that people are thinking fondly about your kids and you.

Dave147

Deleted User wrote: »

To go home and sit in their bedroom and try to smell their hair off their pillow.

That was the most upsetting post I've ever read, you poor poor thing

Not that one

Remember reading your previous post and it sticking with me. The daily crap we all get bogged down in soon vanishes when something gut wrenching happens. Sorry for your loss.

Oh wow, who knew so many people would visit this forum on a Monday night

Thanks you all so much for your kind words and messages. I'm sorry for making some of you sad, it wasn't my intention to upset others.

I'm mostly a pretty positive cheerful person who tries to focus on good, just that there are times when the gravity of it all just wipes me out.

I'm very blessed with amazing friends and family. I wouldn't be one for talking about this stuff though, I find writing things down much easier which is why I ended up here last night, and honestly just typing that all out was extremely therapeutic. I would encourage anyone who is grieving or who has any other sad or negative or even happy thoughts that they'd like out to write them down, whether for yourself or for others to read.

Thank you again.

maryfred

My heart is broken for you. 💜

rodge68

I'm so so sorry for your loss..I cant imagine what you are going through..hope my few words help a small bit..Sincere condolences..

Xaracatz

Dude. These things can hit you hard - sometimes once a year, sometimes once a month. They can come out of nowhere, and it's not very nice! The next day you may feel absolutely fine, and dismiss how crap you felt the night before.

No harm talking to a friend, or somebody else, because there's something lingering if these things come back to you every now and again. (Not to say that this isn't normal, but, it's good to speak to somebody who might be able to rationalise it for you, or who can give you advice that you can think of when these feelings come on). I'm also terrible for not talking to people about stuff!

Generally being positive can be tiring sometimes. 99% of the time it's fine, but there's always that 1% when you could do with a bit of support, but you're the cheery one, so you don't want to bring anyone down.

People are happy to help - this thread is a great example! Mind yourself!

Keisha07

Like many who posted already I have such respect for you, it amazes me the strength of spirit some people have, ordinary people who get on with life, while carrying unimaginable pain while the rest of us can sometimes forget the big things and get caught up in ridiculously petty worries, my thoughts are with you and yours x

frash

wow - I only met you 'in real life' at the weekend!
Stumbled in here as I always check out the 'most thanked' post of the previous day.

So sorry for your loss.

Alf Veedersane

I don't even know what to say. I started to read it and thought it was the words of a nurse who has had to do all of these things for other people.

Then the realisation hit me. There's nothing I can say.....I just hope that time helps to heal those wounds in some way.

I never thought I'd read something on boards that would bring a tear to both my eyes.

I hope you posting that helped you in some way

I've had to do this too . Bury my little girl . Keeping her clothes for years hoping I can still smell her off them. Move house and indeed county as seeing her little friends walking past my house to school broke my heart because she wasn't running out to join them. Unable to look at photos and videos of her as it makes me crack, even years later . I live with that hole in my heart that nothing will ever fill again.

So so many of us have lost children. To lose both your children OP is a double loss and pain. You sound like a great person with a good attitude .... well done, it's not easy . I have two friends who both lost two children.

But there is nothing brave about it. We are not special, or brave or anything. It's just something appalling that happened and you try to deal with is, live with it. So many people get something. This may sound strange but it's a comfort knowing you're not the only one. But you're not brave ..... you're in bits and fragile and just trying get up every day and carry on. Living after the death of a child is a necessity ....not an option. You have to try and live some kind of a life. But it's a different life.

Everyday on Ray D'arcy or some other show there are sad and awful stories. People tweet and txt saying they're bawling and how brave everyone is etc etc etc . But we're not brave . We are crippled and when the show is over and the lights turned off and the door is closed... its hell.

I'm a different person since my daughter died . Better in many ways.....and I can still laugh.... but there's always a hole in my heart and always a sadness lurking .

SATSUMA

We never really know or truly can know another's pain.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Drift

Hi whoopsa - It has always amazed me how unrelentingly positive you are when you post. Your attitude and personality are inspirational. I know I wouldn't be as strong as you have been in the same heartbreaking circumstances.

I'm very sorry for your loss and I wish you and your family all the best.