I'm at loss! What do I do?

vandamiss

In need of advice on what to do with what I think as my husband's emotional affair.*

Last Saturday, I was confronted by a friend in our church who my husband texts. Before DH sent her messages, he tried to call her first and she didn't answer. She showed me my hubby's inappropriate messages and the convo went on like this.

Hubby: How're you?
Lady: Im fine, thanks.
H: Are you at work?
L: Why?
H: I heard you live near my workplace. Could I come over to your house in my free times during the week?
L: Is that so? It's not possible as I'm alone.
H: It's ok. I won't tell anybody that I'll be staying at your place on my free time.
L: It's not possible.
H: Ok then, just please don't tell anyone I chatted. Please.

For the next few days, he messaged her "hi" a few times more and she never replied. Then from then on, hubby didn't message her anymore.

For the record, she said he was texting flirty messages to her 4 years ago but she didn't respond back then as she was in a relationship. We weren't married at that time yet but we were in a serious relationship. Hubby told me he thinks this woman has a crush on him but treated her like a little sister all this time. All those years that me and H were married, this woman has been living all the time with her parents. My H had learned that she now has her own flat, living alone. If hubby knew she has some crush on him, why would he risk going all the way to her flat and spend time alone?

I confronted him on the same day I found out. He's in defensive mode, saying his intentions were innocent, that he just wanted to hang out at her place as it's close to his workplace. It's nothing sexual or anything as he claims. He said he was sorry and is willing to change his ways. He realized it was wrong to text a woman and hide it much more hanging out at her place without my consent! Unconvinced and hurt, I left our house Saturday evening asking for space and went back yesterday night to take more of my things. He then argued that if I leave him, I'm not giving him a chance to prove himself that nothing's going on and that he's gonna change and we can't work on fixing things when I'm away. So I stayed for the night yesterday, treating him coldly but we had sex. Stupid me... We missed each other so bad when I left for 3 days. I'm still at loss on what to do with him and our marriage...

Could my H has some sort of feelings for her and just acting now that she's alone? Asked him that but he said no, it's me whom he loves. Who knows? He deactivated his social media accounts and deleted her number. But still... I'm not sure what to do. Help!

sweetie

Probably not the best forum for this. He says he did nothing wrong but he will change, sounds contradictory to me.

I think he should get another chance with the caveat that it's his last chance. He may have been caught before things progressed further. Sorry for your trouble.

vandamiss

sweetie wrote: »

Probably not the best forum for this. He says he did nothing wrong but he will change, sounds contradictory to me.

I think he should get another chance with the caveat that it's his last chance. He may have been caught before things progressed further. Sorry for your trouble.

Thank you. Is there any way I could move this to another forum?

Xterminator

hi.

thats a horrible situation to be put in alright.

look, its possible your husband had no sexual motives. Buts i think its unlikely because he said "dont tell anyone we chatted". Seems to imply guilt and secrecy.

but you know him better than any internet stranger. what does your intuition tell you? is your relationship going well? Has your hubby been acting secretively or strangely?

if he is denying everything you either have to giv e him the benefit of the doubt, look for proof, or take him to task with no more proof than a set of text msgs with no explicit sexual connotations, just implication.

go with your gut on this one.

vandamiss

Xterminator wrote: »

hi.

thats a horrible situation to be put in alright.

look, its possible your husband had no sexual motives. Buts i think its unlikely because he said "dont tell anyone we chatted". Seems to imply guilt and secrecy.

but you know him better than any internet stranger. what does your intuition tell you? is your relationship going well? Has your hubby been acting secretively or strangely?

if he is denying everything you either have to giv e him the benefit of the doubt, look for proof, or take him to task with no more proof than a set of text msgs with no explicit sexual connotations, just implication.

go with your gut on this one.

I know. Maybe he said that out of guilt as you say as I've clearly told him that I don't like this woman at all. My intuitiom tells me something is not right that's why I voiced out my concern.

Thank you. I wanted to give him a chance but seriously I have contemplated divorce because of this. He couldn't give me a reason why he chose to do this. Just sorry, I won't do it anymore.

Ande1975

There are always those few nuggets of advice that are repeatedly regularly in this forum which are invaluable. So I'll throw them out there....

If this was a friend, sister, daughter of yours, what advice would you give?
What does your gut tell you? Your actions speak of someone who naturally wants to believe her husband but at the same time, deep down, you know something isn't right.

As a completely independent observer reading the text message exchange, it certainly looks like your husband is up to no good. Why did your friend confront you with the exchange? Were you aware of a flirtation between them, when you were together first or did this all come out recently?

His rationale of wanting to spend 'innocent' time with a single woman on his free time is weird beyond words.
If he believes she has a crush on him, he shouldn't even be entertaining her in the first place.

I'm sorry OP but from what you have described, it doesn't sound good but hopefully other posters will be able to advise a way forward for you.

All the best

vandamiss

Ande1975 wrote: »

There are always those few nuggets of advice that are repeatedly regularly in this forum which are invaluable. So I'll throw them out there....

If this was a friend, sister, daughter of yours, what advice would you give?
What does your gut tell you? Your actions speak of someone who naturally wants to believe her husband but at the same time, deep down, you know something isn't right.

As a completely independent observer reading the text message exchange, it certainly looks like your husband is up to no good. Why did your friend confront you with the exchange? Were you aware of a flirtation between them, when you were together first or did this all come out recently?

His rationale of wanting to spend 'innocent' time with a single woman on his free time is weird beyond words.
If he believes she has a crush on him, he shouldn't even be entertaining her in the first place.

I'm sorry OP but from what you have described, it doesn't sound good but hopefully other posters will be able to advise a way forward for you.

All the best

I would certainly advice to end the marriage. I am pro marriage but this doesn't look very good. She thinks it's weird and not normal, H texting her out of the blue. She even told me that if my hubby would be there, what would they do... stare at each others' faces? Before this happened, I told hubby to limit contact with this woman as she's touchy feely around him. I asked H why would he message her? Didn't he even think that I might learn his hidden messaging and ideas of spending time with her?

I know. It really feels horrible. I'm angry, disappointed and as much as I would want to save my marriage... my H seems to be pursuing an affair, maybe not yet on a physical level, but could start out emotionally.

Thank you...

Toots

Moved to Relationship Issues, posters please note that the RI charter now applies.

strandroad

He is way out of line, in fact he behaves like a weirdo. It's not an affair either since she does not reciprocate, more like stalking, it's actually creepy. You should appreciate that your friend warned you and was honest with you. He might very well be trying it with others and you wouldn't know.

You should definitely not "get over it" or "give him a chance" unless mediation is involved.

vandamiss

mhge wrote: »

He is way out of line, in fact he behaves like a weirdo. It's not an affair either since she does not reciprocate, more like stalking, it's actually creepy. You should appreciate that your friend warned you and was honest with you. He might very well be trying it with others and you wouldn't know.

You should definitely not "get over it" or "give him a chance" unless mediation is involved.

Why would he stalk? From what I'm feeling, he has some sort of feelings for her. He's definitely interested. Yes, I am truly thankful to her as she exposed this behavior.

I'm not over it yet. He said he won't be going anymore to the church we're attending as the woman is there. He doesn't want to talk to anybody as well and thinks he doesn't need any help.

strandroad

vandamiss wrote: »

Why would he stalk? From what I'm feeling, he has some sort of feelings for her. He's definitely interested. Yes, I am truly thankful to her as she exposed this behavior.

I'm not over it yet. He said he won't be going anymore to the church we're attending as the woman is there. He doesn't want to talk to anybody as well and thinks he doesn't need any help.

OK stalking might not be the right word for it, but an affair means that there is a willing third person in it - this situation is one sided though, he is the one initiating but he's getting nowhere with her and you were informed.

He is ready for an affair though so there will be others, especially if he sees nothing wrong in his attempts and his idea of fixing it is to remove *her* from his vicinity.

vandamiss

mhge wrote: »

OK stalking might not be the right word for it, but an affair means that there is a willing third person in it - this situation is one sided though, he is the one initiating but he's getting nowhere with her and you were informed.

He is ready for an affair though so there will be others, especially if he sees nothing wrong in his attempts and his idea of fixing it is to remove *her* from his vicinity.

Thank you for the clarification.

Well. I have been telling him that it's wrong for a married man to be meeting a single woman at her place and he says it's just to hang out though. And later on tells me, yes alright it's wrong, I realize. He already removed his social media accounts linked to her and her phone number just to prove he has nothing to do with her.

DeltaWhite

vandamiss wrote: »

H: I heard you live near my workplace. Could I come over to your house in my free times during the week?

What does the above even mean? Why would he casually invite himself over to her house like that?? OP I am truly sorry for what I am about to say but it seems really sleazy and creepy what he's done. I hate saying that but I just imagined how I would feel if I was that girl and it is creepy. I would have told him to jog on. Fair play to that girl telling you, honesty is a trait a lot of people lack nowadays.

Does he honestly think that deactivating his social network pages is anyway helpful?? Sure he can go back on them whenever he wants and unblock her!!

vandamiss

DeltaWhite wrote: »

What does the above even mean? Why would he casually invite himself over to her house like that?? OP I am truly sorry for what I am about to say but it seems really sleazy and creepy what he's done. I hate saying that but I just imagined how I would feel if I was that girl and it is creepy. I would have told him to jog on. Fair play to that girl telling you, honesty is a trait a lot of people lack nowadays.

Does he honestly think that deactivating his social network pages is anyway helpful?? Sure he can go back on them whenever he wants and unblock her!!

I asked him where did he get his information. He said it's from his sister. I don't even know! I'm quite stunned, even the woman herself. She said, she was scared when my hubby said something like that. Could it be that my hubby is obsessing her for a long time now? We attend social functions on her presence before but never did I get a hint.

Oh well. I am in contact with the girl's family and every single one of them blocked him.

dudara

Duplicate threads merged and duplicate posts removed.

OP - please create just one thread per topic in future.

vandamiss

dudara wrote: »

Duplicate threads merged and duplicate posts removed.

OP - please create just one thread per topic in future.

Sorry about that. I have posted the first one in a wrong category. Thank you..

Wompa1

vandamiss wrote: »

Oh well. I am in contact with the girl's family and every single one of them blocked him.

Why did they block him? How do they even know about him? You might want to figure that out too. If I was you, I'd ask your fella if it was you that sent those texts to a guy you had tried it on with before. What would he think?

vandamiss

Wompa1 wrote: »

Why did they block him? How do they even know about him? You might want to figure that out too. If I was you, I'd ask your fella if it was you that sent those texts to a guy you had tried it on with before. What would he think?

We all know each other personally. They were disgusted with hubby's actions so they took the initiative of cutting ties with him.

Asked him that and said, it's wrong and would never be ok.

uck51js9zml2yt

You mentioned your church. I'm not sure were you are but its probably something you should go to your pastor about.
He'll know all the parties and will be able to council you.
Its also a church discipline issue.
Its certainly not irretrievable with the right help if that's what you both want.

Gatica

If I was the woman on the receiving end of those messages I'd be scared. It does sound like stalking. She pretty much says she doesn't want him coming over because she's alone, and he follows that up with
he won't tell anyone. So basically she's gonna be alone with this bloke that used to fancy her without anyone even knowing he's there. I'm sorry, but there's just too much potential for an assault... I'm guessing that's why her family's blocking him.

If you want to pursue a reconciliation then he needs to be on board and know that he did something wrong, why it was wrong and that he needs help to do something about that tendency. Maybe it's just an obsession with her only, and another woman is not gonna have that effect on him. If it was my hubby though, I dunno if I'd be able to trust him again.

I'm sorry for your situation and I really don't know what kind of hell you're going through. Whatever you decide, just hope it's the best decision for you yourself.

vandamiss

Gatica wrote: »

If I was the woman on the receiving end of those messages I'd be scared. It does sound like stalking. She pretty much says she doesn't want him coming over because she's alone, and he follows that up with
he won't tell anyone. So basically she's gonna be alone with this bloke that used to fancy her without anyone even knowing he's there. I'm sorry, but there's just too much potential for an assault... I'm guessing that's why her family's blocking him.

If you want to pursue a reconciliation then he needs to be on board and know that he did something wrong, why it was wrong and that he needs help to do something about that tendency. Maybe it's just an obsession with her only, and another woman is not gonna have that effect on him. If it was my hubby though, I dunno if I'd be able to trust him again.

I'm sorry for your situation and I really don't know what kind of hell you're going through. Whatever you decide, just hope it's the best decision for you yourself.

I know. The girl told me she was scared as we all belong to one church and we all know that it's not morally correct for a married man to visit a single woman at her place without anyone knowing. The family blocked him after their daughter and I had a confrontation.

He wants us to be ok, and he wants me to get over it. He thinks we're ok now as we had sex. He acts ok now as I already go home every night. But the big question in my mind is that, does he like or even love her? I can't stay with him when he's obssessing over another woman. I asked him that and he said no feelings for her etc. That it was just to hang out at her place coz it's his free time. He had known the woman long before we were married, why propose to me when he could've waited for her and pursue her?

vandamiss

Gatica wrote: »

If I was the woman on the receiving end of those messages I'd be scared. It does sound like stalking. She pretty much says she doesn't want him coming over because she's alone, and he follows that up with
he won't tell anyone. So basically she's gonna be alone with this bloke that used to fancy her without anyone even knowing he's there. I'm sorry, but there's just too much potential for an assault... I'm guessing that's why her family's blocking him.

If you want to pursue a reconciliation then he needs to be on board and know that he did something wrong, why it was wrong and that he needs help to do something about that tendency. Maybe it's just an obsession with her only, and another woman is not gonna have that effect on him. If it was my hubby though, I dunno if I'd be able to trust him again.

I'm sorry for your situation and I really don't know what kind of hell you're going through. Whatever you decide, just hope it's the best decision for you yourself.

I don't even know what to think as right now he already cut ties with her even the girl's family to him. He acts normal, being sweet to me etc.

I wanted to know WHY he chose to do this? But he is unable to answer. I am thinking that when he will expose the real intention, he might ruin a possible reconciliation and he knows how terrible I could react, I could leave him for good.

I asked him that we talk this over our pastors but he refuses. Last Saturday, was the confrontation day, I asked the help of our pastors and they went home with me to the shock of my husband not knowing something big like this is coming. He acted nervous, proud and aggressive. He wouldn't listen to the counsel given by them so they ended up leaving the two of us to talk. We argued, cried and I left.

When I came back to get more of my things, he told me that married couples don't stay away when a problem arises, instead they stay and talk it over. So I stayed for that night until now. I still don't know what to do. I wanted to give him his last chance but don't know where to start.

ManOfMystery

vandamiss wrote: »

Hubby: How're you?
Lady: Im fine, thanks.
H: Are you at work?
L: Why?
H: I heard you live near my workplace. Could I come over to your house in my free times during the week?
L: Is that so? It's not possible as I'm alone.
H: It's ok. I won't tell anybody that I'll be staying at your place on my free time.
L: It's not possible.
H: Ok then, just please don't tell anyone I chatted. Please.

For the next few days, he messaged her "hi" a few times more and she never replied. Then from then on, hubby didn't message her anymore.

I'm going to play Devil's advocate here.

First off, does this woman work? If he went over to her house during his free time (I assume he means lunchtimes, or breaks during work as the house is near his workplace) ........ would she even be there?

The reason I ask is that if *I* was trying to arrange a tryst with a woman at her house, I certainly wouldn't have worded it like that. He said "It's ok. I won't tell anybody that I'll be staying at your place on my free time" - that sounds to me like someone just wanting to use her house during his break, rather than spending time with her per se - otherwise surely he would have said "staying with you on my free time" or "could I come over and see you in my free times?".

He doesn't actually mention her at all. He just says he wants to come over to the house.

I'm probably totally wrong, but just thinking out loud in case your husband actually is being honest. I work with a guy who has a mild form of social anxiety, and as he doesn't like mixing with staff at lunchtime and doesn't want to sit in his car like a weirdo, he goes to his cousin's house (which is 2 mins from our office) and watches TV or goes on the internet. He asked his cousin if he could use the house and it was all allowed.

Now if this was the case, it's innappropriate at worst, but perhaps your husband thought this person was a close enough friend to ask.

Dark Phoenix

In line with the above, my first thought was actually has your husband lost his job and wants somewhere to go during the day so that he can pretend he is at work. Sounds crazy I know but I have known people it happened to. One guy pretended to go to work and then came back after the wife left for work as he didn't want her to know he had lost his job.

either way it is an odd situation and its not fair of your husband to try and brush it off - there has to be some reason behind what he did

vandamiss

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I'm going to play Devil's advocate here.

First off, does this woman work? If he went over to her house during his free time (I assume he means lunchtimes, or breaks during work as the house is near his workplace) ........ would she even be there?

The reason I ask is that if *I* was trying to arrange a tryst with a woman at her house, I certainly wouldn't have worded it like that. He said "It's ok. I won't tell anybody that I'll be staying at your place on my free time" - that sounds to me like someone just wanting to use her house during his break, rather than spending time with her per se - otherwise surely he would have said "staying with you on my free time" or "could I come over and see you in my free times?".

He doesn't actually mention her at all. He just says he wants to come over to the house.

I'm probably totally wrong, but just thinking out loud in case your husband actually is being honest. I work with a guy who has a mild form of social anxiety, and as he doesn't like mixing with staff at lunchtime and doesn't want to sit in his car like a weirdo, he goes to his cousin's house (which is 2 mins from our office) and watches TV or goes on the internet. He asked his cousin if he could use the house and it was all allowed.

Now if this was the case, it's innappropriate at worst, but perhaps your husband thought this person was a close enough friend to ask.

Hmm. Hubby's free times is from 3-5 PM. The woman works but finishes at 2 PM. I don't know if my husband knows what time she finishes though.

Before he texted the lady, I voiced out my concern of not being too close with her and now this? H told me that he thinks the woman had a crush on him and now he was inviting himself over to her place?

From what I heard from him, he's bored. He told me he's bored with life in general. With work and routines. He didn't say that's the reason. He rold me he even sees I'm bored as well. He told me it's just her he knows he could hang out with who is in close proximity. He could've hanged out in a cafe or elsewhere but why the need at her place and probably with her.

vandamiss

Dark Phoenix wrote: »

In line with the above, my first thought was actually has your husband lost his job and wants somewhere to go during the day so that he can pretend he is at work. Sounds crazy I know but I have known people it happened to. One guy pretended to go to work and then came back after the wife left for work as he didn't want her to know he had lost his job.

either way it is an odd situation and its not fair of your husband to try and brush it off - there has to be some reason behind what he did

No he didn't lose his job. He works from 9-2 PM and has a free time from 3-5 PM. He goes back to work again on 6-8 PM.

It really is strange as suddenly he texted her out of the blue even the girl was surprised. They're not even close and so do I with the girl.

Dial Hard

This is one of the oddest scenarios I've ever read on this forum. Is this happening in Ireland? I ask because I'm trying to fit this into any context I've ever heard of/come across before and I just can't.

Regardless of your husband's intentions, has he no idea how inappropriate it is to ask someone (of either gender) that you're not actually genuine friends with if you can basically crash at their house for three hours a day?

vandamiss

Dial Hard wrote: »

This is one of the oddest scenarios I've ever read on this forum. Is this happening in Ireland? I ask because I'm trying to fit this into any context I've ever heard of/come across before and I just can't.

Regardless of your husband's intentions, has he no idea how inappropriate it is to ask someone (of either gender) that you're not actually genuine friends with if you can basically crash at their house for three hours a day?

No, we're in France actually.

That I don't know. I'm really thinking long and hard where did he get the courage to do this and ask her. I asked him if it was ok to go there and he said yes, it's okay because it's just to kill time anyway.

ManOfMystery

vandamiss wrote: »

No he didn't lose his job. He works from 9-2 PM and has a free time from 3-5 PM. He goes back to work again on 6-8 PM.

It really is strange as suddenly he texted her out of the blue even the girl was surprised. They're not even close and so do I with the girl.

Well that kinda sheds new light on it. Your hubby works quite irregular hours compared to the majority of people who do 9-5 with a 30min or 45 min lunch break. Having quite a long break in the middle of the day could possibly leave him utterly bored and he just wants somewhere he can hang out to kill some time.

You say he works 9-2pm, free time 3-5pm, works 6-8pm. What does he do from 2pm-3pm and 5pm-6pm? Does he essentially have 2hrs free in the middle of the day, or 4?

daisybelle2008

vandamiss wrote: »

I can't stay with him when he's obssessing over another woman. I asked him that and he said no feelings for her etc.
That it was just to hang out at her place coz it's his free time.

:rolleyes:

OP, the problem is you know what his intentions were. You have backed yourself into a corner. Where if he tells you the truth you say you would leave for good. Of course he is going to stand by the above bull****e, he probably would anyway.

vandamiss wrote: »

I am thinking that when he will expose the real intention, he might ruin a possible reconciliation and he knows how terrible I could react, I could leave him for good.

I wanted to give him his last chance but don't know where to start.

You both need to either:

A) Decide to stand over and 'believe' the lie and put it behind you as if nothing happened.

Both acknowledge he was trying to sneakily have an affair and forgive, forget and move on. Put it down to mid-life crises and get some counselling.

I think most choose A and paint the other woman as the problem etc. but it's a big charade and no real trust could exist. B is a more honest way of dealing with it. You seem like an intelligent woman who values honesty and trust, it is going to be impossible for you to just paper over the cracks like your husband wants to.

vandamiss

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Well that kinda sheds new light on it. Your hubby works quite irregular hours compared to the majority of people who do 9-5 with a 30min or 45 min lunch break. Having quite a long break in the middle of the day could possibly leave him utterly bored and he just wants somewhere he can hang out to kill some time.

You say he works 9-2pm, free time 3-5pm, works 6-8pm. What does he do from 2pm-3pm and 5pm-6pm? Does he essentially have 2hrs free in the middle of the day, or 4?

He told me before, he's bored during his free time, he got nowhere else to go. Just walking around etc.

From 2-3 PM that's his travel time to where he wants to go. From 5-6 PM that's his travel time from where he came from to his work. He usually alot 1 hour for travel time wherever he goes.

vandamiss

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

:rolleyes:

OP, the problem is you know what his intentions were. You have backed yourself into a corner. Where if he tells you the truth you say you would leave for good. Of course he is going to stand by the above bull****e, he probably would anyway.





You both need to either:

A) Decide to stand over and 'believe' the lie and put it behind you as if nothing happened.

Both acknowledge he was trying to sneakily have an affair and forgive, forget and move on. Put it down to mid-life crises and get some counselling.

I think most choose A and paint the other woman as the problem etc. but it's a big charade and no real trust could exist. B is a more honest way of dealing with it. You seem like an intelligent woman who values honesty and trust, it is going to be impossible for you to just paper over the cracks like your husband wants to.

He knows that ever since we got together, I wouldn't tolerate if my man has feelings for another woman. It doesn't matter if it escalates to something physical but the mere fact that he likes another woman besides me is a dealbreaker. I would gladly let him go if he just tell me. He knows that.

I could admit the latter, provided that he could give me reasons as to why he was trying to have an affair, address the issues and go on from there.

What he wants me to do is A). And I just can't do it. I think maybe he's scared to death if he admits as he knows I'm gonna walk away.

kylith

vandamiss wrote: »

He told me before, he's bored during his free time, he got nowhere else to go. Just walking around etc.

From 2-3 PM that's his travel time to where he wants to go. From 5-6 PM that's his travel time from where he came from to his work. He usually alot 1 hour for travel time wherever he goes.

How far away from his work do you live that he wouldn't just come home during those hours?

Dial Hard

vandamiss wrote: »

No, we're in France actually.

Ah. It may be worth your while posting on a local website/forum too, then. It's virtually unheard of in Ireland to have that kind of a gap in the middle of the working day so people here aren't going to be able to advise you on what's the "norm" for filling that time.

What do his colleagues do during this break?

vandamiss

kylith wrote: »

How far away from his work do you live that he wouldn't just come home during those hours?

Before he does that, he goes home... if he doesn't go home, he tells me I'm at the mall walking around. Same, 1 hour.

vandamiss

Dial Hard wrote: »

Ah. It may be worth your while posting on a local website/forum too, then. It's virtually unheard of in Ireland to have that kind of a gap in the middle of the working day so people here aren't going to be able to advise you on what's the "norm" for filling that time.

What do his colleagues do during this break?

Hmm. Normally, people here work from 9-5. Him on the other hand, works part time so he has a big break in between. His colleagues work full time so he can't really be with them. If I remember it right, he was telling me before this happened that he wanted to quit his job from 6-8 as he resents it but I encourage him to stay a bit more as he has a contract with them. He wants to leave the job without finishing his contract and for me that is ridiculous. I look back and say to myself that I may have contributed to his behavior. Maybe.

Neyite

Dial Hard wrote: »

Ah. It may be worth your while posting on a local website/forum too, then. It's virtually unheard of in Ireland to have that kind of a gap in the middle of the working day so people here aren't going to be able to advise you on what's the "norm" for filling that time.

What do his colleagues do during this break?

Not really. Plenty of hotels and hospitality places do split shift rosters. Worked plenty of them myself.

OP, lets say its innocent. He just wants somewhere to hang out and watch TV during his break. Since you are her friend, it would make sense to ask via you, wouldn't it? I've often asked my partner's friends for a favour, but its usually done through him especially if I don't know them all that well.

So the texts and him being blocked by her entire family doesn't really fit, does it?

Why did he do it? Because he thought he could get away with it.

vandamiss

Neyite wrote: »

Not really. Plenty of hotels and hospitality places do split shift rosters. Worked plenty of them myself.

OP, lets say its innocent. He just wants somewhere to hang out and watch TV during his break. Since you are her friend, it would make sense to ask via you, wouldn't it? I've often asked my partner's friends for a favour, but its usually done through him especially if I don't know them all that well.

So the texts and him being blocked by her entire family doesn't really fit, does it?

Why did he do it? Because he thought he could get away with it.

He knows I don't like the set-up of him with another woman alone. That's a dealbreaker for me and I would be mad.

What do I do now? I would be coming home tonight and still don't know what to say.

Neyite

vandamiss wrote: »

He knows I don't like the set-up of him with another woman alone. That's a dealbreaker for me and I would be mad.

What do I do now? I would be coming home tonight and still don't know what to say.

You don't have to make a decision now. It's OK to take your time to figure it out. Your trust has been shaken and that takes time to rebuild.

You could ask him to move out temporarily if you feel you need space to decide what you want to do. That also has the added advantage of giving him a jolt that what he did is serious enough for you to rethink the marriage. It lets him see that you are no pushover, or that you'd put up any dalliances, and might elicit some honesty, sincerity and remorse from him.

vandamiss

Neyite wrote: »

You don't have to make a decision now. It's OK to take your time to figure it out. Your trust has been shaken and that takes time to rebuild.

You could ask him to move out temporarily if you feel you need space to decide what you want to do. That also has the added advantage of giving him a jolt that what he did is serious enough for you to rethink the marriage. It lets him see that you are no pushover, or that you'd put up any dalliances, and might elicit some honesty, sincerity and remorse from him.

Last Saturday he asked if I would want him to move out for awhile. I said no it's me. I went away for 3 days and came back to get more of my things. That's when he asked, "are you leaving for good?" I said no, just space. He told me that I shouldn't be leaving like that and married couples should stay in one roof and talk about the problem. And if I leave it means, I'm not giving him a chance to prove that nothing's going on. So I stayed that night until now... The truth is I want to work this out that's why I'm staying, to prove himself and make amends. He severed all contacts with her but just can't answer the WHY.

So what's left for me to do then? I still don't reciprocate any of his advances on me, kissing, hugging etc. For the past few days, he tried texting me, calling me but I always reply with bitter remarks, from yesterday until today... I don't hear anything from him. We see each other at night but don't talk.

Neyite

He told me that I shouldn't be leaving like that and married couples should stay in one roof and talk about the problem.

See, here is where I'd read him the riot act. Yes couples should talk. but nobody is obliged to sit and listen to their spouse lie through their teeth. So until he is willing to tell you the whole truth - including any other women he might have approached, there is no Talk to be had.

And if I leave it means, I'm not giving him a chance to prove that nothing's going on.

Oh very sneaky of him - trying to put the blame on you - that you are the one not giving him a chance. :rolleyes: Maybe you could ask why does he deserve a chance, exactly?

People can leave a relationship for any reason. You don't need proof of an affair to end your marriage, you just no longer need to feel the same about him any more. If proof of intent to have an affair or him secretly texting another woman changes your feelings for him and is a deal breaker for you then that's what it is.

vandamiss

Neyite wrote: »

See, here is where I'd read him the riot act. Yes couples should talk. but nobody is obliged to sit and listen to their spouse lie through their teeth. So until he is willing to tell you the whole truth - including any other women he might have approached, there is no Talk to be had.

Oh very sneaky of him - trying to put the blame on you - that you are the one not giving him a chance. :rolleyes: Maybe you could ask why does he deserve a chance, exactly?

People can leave a relationship for any reason. You don't need proof of an affair to end your marriage, you just no longer need to feel the same about him any more. If proof of intent to have an affair or him secretly texting another woman changes your feelings for him and is a deal breaker for you then that's what it is.

He believes he is innocent. He told me that even if I leave anyway or face the counselors he doesn't have anything to say anymore about the whole truth as he doesn't have any intentions and motives. He says he's saying the whole truth.

I know. It's a deal breaker for me but I'm willing to work this out. I want my marriage but he wants me to get over it and not talk about it anymore. He wants us to move on as he already severed all contacts with her. He told me that when I leave it's my choice of leaving the relationship for good.

tara73

how can anybody say this guy is innocent? I'm pretty sure I read in one of the earlier posts from OP he also sent her flirty messages.
even just wanting to meet up with a single woman as a married man, then sending more texts although the woman already told him she's not interested, is far off the line.

I'm baffled people giving this guy even the tiniest bit of 'maybe he's innocent'.

OP, this is the most creepy stuff I read here for a while.

Also, he's manipulating you big time: telling you married people have to move on from crisises. wtf? so you should just accept his creepy behaviour, don't make a fuss so he can go on doing this with the next woman he thinks he can molest?

you sound like a lovely person, probably too soft..
please stand up for yourself. make it very clear you don't accept that crap and he broke your trust. It seems you want to stay with this man, so be prepared he's doing it again.

vandamiss

tara73 wrote: »

how can anybody say this guy is innocent? I'm pretty sure I read in one of the earlier posts from OP he also sent her flirty messages.
even just wanting to meet up with a single woman as a married man, then sending more texts although the woman already told him she's not interested, is far off the line.

I'm baffled people giving this guy even the tiniest bit of 'maybe he's innocent'.

OP, this is the most creepy stuff I read here for a while.

Also, he's manipulating you big time: telling you married people have to move on from crisises. wtf? so you should just accept his creepy behaviour, don't make a fuss so he can go on doing this with the next woman he thinks he can molest?

you sound like a lovely person, probably too soft..
please stand up for yourself. make it very clear you don't accept that crap and he broke your trust. It seems you want to stay with this man, so be prepared he's doing it again.

I know. I couldn't understand his behavior as well. When I ask him questions, all he can answer is, I was wrong and I made a mistake.

I'm telling myself to grow a backbone but it's so hard and painful. Everytime I look back, I see our good memories but my friends keep telling me to have self-respect. Go away for a while and see what he does from there.

I just couldn't accept the fact that maybe this is a pre-meditated kind of affair. I was just so blessed that the other woman exposed his behavior and didn't accept his advances.

tara73

vandamiss wrote: »

I know. I couldn't understand his behavior as well. When I ask him questions, all he can answer is, I was wrong and I made a mistake.

vandamiss wrote: »

yes, this is another big part, he doesn't seem to be really remorseful. it's just: yes, it was wrong, but now accept it, wife!

vandamiss wrote: »

I'm telling myself to grow a backbone but it's so hard and painful. Everytime I look back, I see our good memories but my friends keep telling me to have self-respect. Go away for a while and see what he does from there.

vandamiss wrote: »

I agree with your friends. go away for a while. take as long as you want. although I think it's not good to be completely alone in this situation. do you have a very good friend/relative/family you can move in for a while?
see how he reacts on that, being on his own..

vandamiss wrote: »

I just couldn't accept the fact that maybe this is a pre-meditated kind of affair. I was just so blessed that the other woman exposed his behavior and didn't accept his advances.

vandamiss wrote: »

yes, she did the right thing.

vandamiss

tara73 wrote: »

vandamiss wrote: »

I know. I couldn't understand his behavior as well. When I ask him questions, all he can answer is, I was wrong and I made a mistake.

vandamiss wrote: »

yes, this is another big part, he doesn't seem to be really remorseful. it's just: yes, it was wrong, but now accept it, wife!

vandamiss wrote: »

I'm telling myself to grow a backbone but it's so hard and painful. Everytime I look back, I see our good memories but my friends keep telling me to have self-respect. Go away for a while and see what he does from there.

vandamiss wrote: »

I agree with your friends. go away for a while. take as long as you want. although I think it's not good to be completely alone in this situation. do you have a very good friend/relative/family you can move in for a while?
see how he reacts on that, being on his own..

vandamiss wrote: »

I just couldn't accept the fact that maybe this is a pre-meditated kind of affair. I was just so blessed that the other woman exposed his behavior and didn't accept his advances.

vandamiss wrote: »

yes, she did the right thing.

Thank you very much. As hard as it sounds, I think it's best to leave him for now. He says if I leave, I don't have anyone to come home to if I decide to come back. He says he will find a place for him to stay. He will give up our flat.

tara73

vandamiss wrote: »

Thank you very much. As hard as it sounds, I think it's best to leave him for now. He says if I leave, I don't have anyone to come home to if I decide to come back. He says he will find a place for him to stay. He will give up our flat.

oh dear. virtual hug for you:)
more manipulation and putting pressure on you. this guy doesn't sound like a loving person, loving you.

I really hope you have good friends and family around you. but seems you also have a good local community who is supporting you. that's more than many other people have. always see the positives which are left:)

vandamiss

tara73 wrote: »

oh dear. virtual hug for you:)
more manipulation and putting pressure on you. this guy doesn't sound like a loving person, loving you.

I really hope you have good friends and family around you. but seems you also have a good local community who is supporting you. that's more than many other people have. always see the positives which are left:)

I know. He thinks he has to right to call the shots now.

I have good friends around but family, mo one is around. My boss knows my problem and she offers me a place to stay if anything... Thank you very much. It's tough love.

vandamiss

tara73 wrote: »

oh dear. virtual hug for you:)
more manipulation and putting pressure on you. this guy doesn't sound like a loving person, loving you.

I really hope you have good friends and family around you. but seems you also have a good local community who is supporting you. that's more than many other people have. always see the positives which are left:)

Thanks a lot... :-) yes I have a lot of people supporting me but it's just so hard to walk away.

Panrich

Am I reading this correctly?

She lives one hour from his work.
Your house is one hour from his work.

He texted her saying that he heard she lives close to his work.

Flippyfloppy

It sounds to me that his defense mechanism is shutting down and refusing to talk about it. This way he doesn't have to admit anything, or give you the time of day to help you understand what is going on or put your mind at ease. It's a handy technique because it puts the ball in your court regarding the decision making. I believe that's the reason for the odd texts and the way they were worded. As he sees it, he chanced his arm and it didn't work out, but he thinks he didn't incriminate himself with the wording.

Think about for a second if she had of said yes. She said she'll be alone (like hint hint) and he said I won't tell anyone. So im guessing he wouldn't have told you. If she agreed, how long would it have gone on for? And in his mind, spending two hours every work day with a woman who 'has a crush on him' (or so he thinks) whom you 'aren't that close to' sounds like a handy little number.

Trust me, if this guy could put your mind at ease he would do everything in his power to do so. But he's not, he's manipulating you further...the only thing he knows how to do it seems. Want my advice, do the opposite of what he says. Leave, let him move out...move back in if you can afford it. Or go do something you've always wanted to do in your life. Because yes, you've had a lucky escape due to this woman's honesty.