Housemate's girlfriend overstaying her welcome

RachN0207

Hi Guys,
Hoping for some advice here and feedback as to whether I'm being unreasonable or not. I live in a houseshare with 4 others, all late twenties/early thirties. Everything was fine until recently when one of them starting seeing someone new. Since then this new girl is practically living in our house, she's spent every night of the last week here and is here during the day times too ( I'm suspecting she has no work and is maybe between houses or lives at home). I want to say something to my housemate about it as I feel it's unreasonable behaviour especially as they're keeping me awake til all hours as well. Am I the one being unreasonable though or am I within my rights to have a word with him/them or should I take it to the landlord instead?
Thanks

Miaireland

I think you are being quite reasonable to approach your housemate and tell that you feel that the girlfriend staying everynight in the house is excessive. Ideally if all the housemates got together and said it together it would probably drive the point home.

Is she there when her partner is not? If she is, she is using light, heat etc that she is making no payment for.

I would say it to the housemate first before I would got to the landlord. Sometimes people just don't think about how is affects everyone in the house.

salamanca22

RachN0207 wrote: »

Hi Guys,
Hoping for some advice here and feedback as to whether I'm being unreasonable or not. I live in a houseshare with 4 others, all late twenties/early thirties. Everything was fine until recently when one of them starting seeing someone new. Since then this new girl is practically living in our house, she's spent every night of the last week here and is here during the day times too ( I'm suspecting she has no work and is maybe between houses or lives at home). I want to say something to my housemate about it as I feel it's unreasonable behaviour especially as they're keeping me awake til all hours as well. Am I the one being unreasonable though or am I within my rights to have a word with him/them or should I take it to the landlord instead?
Thanks

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I suggest you and your other housemates make some time to draft a "house mates agreement" of sorts that will outline things such as maximum amount of nights a guest can stay and such per week. It might be awkward but it helps to have a set limit on what each housemate is allowed to do and if they break the rule then immediately they are being unreasonable.

He probably doesn't realize the effect he is having on the house though.

daheff

While I dont think you are being unreasonable, the housemate has a right to have visitors over. You also have a right to not being kept awake at night (its the banging headboard right??? :cool: )

I think her being around during the day (or anytime hes not there) isnt on.


If shes there while hes there and away in his room and not making a nuisance then I dont think theres any reason to complain about her being over. However should she move in on the sly, then you should and could complain to him about it.

the good thing about couples is that they generally spend as much time in his place as hers (over time)....so you will see times where neither of them are there.

RachN0207

She's been here non stop without going back home ( that's if she has one at the moment) since this night last week. He goes to work Monday to Friday and has left her here these days last week and again today leading me to think she has nowhere else to go. My other housemates agree that it's excessive but nobody wants to be the person to say it and we are never all here together to have a house meeting. I don't mind anyone staying a few nights a week but a full week without leaving our house is excessive I think. I think I'll just target him when he comes home tonight and get it over and done with. Thanks guys, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a totally unreasonable housemate!

Diamond Doll

What I'd consider acceptable is no more than 1-2 nights a week. Maybe a week or so at a time on an occasional/exceptional basis, but definitely with advance warning to all other housemates beforehand.

cruais

As far as i am aware, the max number of nights a tenant can have a guest stay is 3 per week. Anything over the amount is liable for rent.

It is totally unreasonable to have someone stay 7 days a week without making anh contribution to bills etc, and it is unreasonable that they are essentially getting half price rent. I would definitely raise the issue op.

salamanca22

RachN0207 wrote: »

She's been here non stop without going back home ( that's if she has one at the moment) since this night last week.

That is 100% not on behavior. Definitely have words.

VulcanRaving

I would definitely say it to your house mate first before getting landlords involved. Its the kind of thing that would annoy me as well, if someone is staying in a house as much as you are they shouldn't necessarily be getting a free ride. If he's a reasonable enough guy he will probably see it from your point of view.

Black_Knight

Hows the houseshare going Rach?

Tarzana2

Definitely say something. Can I ask, OP, how do the other housemates feel about her being there all the time? Because it'd nice for you to have some support if you chat to him about it.

One thing though, approach him kindly, he might realise the error of his ways easily. Sometimes you can get a bit caught up in things in the early part of a relationship.

Tarzana2

daheff wrote: »

While I dont think you are being unreasonable, the housemate has a right to have visitors over.

Not all the time though, that certainly isn't a right. If anything, even just for the practical matter that if there an extra person in the house all the time, household bills start to get pushed up and wear and tear increases. Many people don't like living with couples in house-shares and will actively avoid it, and a housemate having their boyfriend/girlfriend over all the time is like living with a couple.

Every house-share needs to come to an understanding about how often is OK for girlfriends and boyfriends to stay over.

RachN0207

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I spoke with him on Monday night in regards to it and he's asked that we just bear with them for the time being as she lost her job a month ago and couldn't afford to pay her rent as a result and so has nowhere else to go. Really don't know what to do now as me and the others feel too mean to say she has to leave when she has no money and nowhere to go. He says he's trying to sort a room in a houseshare for her but not quite sure if he is or not. Think I'll leave it another week or 2 before I mention it again. Hoping it will sort itself out at this point.

Wabbit Ears

When I used to househare a lot it was cool to have your BF/GF over whenever you wanted but they always were employed people with their own places and lives so it was never really an issue. generally at the start of a relationship there is a bit of non stop riding and that's to be expected, you have to wait that one out.

Sounds like, in this case, shes practically moved in and words need to be had, but give it another week.

the_syco

RachN0207 wrote: »

Really don't know what to do now as me and the others feel too mean to say she has to leave when she has no money and nowhere to go. He says he's trying to sort a room in a houseshare for her but not quite sure if he is or not. Think I'll leave it another week or 2 before I mention it again. Hoping it will sort itself out at this point.

She'll be still there.

wirelessdude01

This kid ain't moving anywhere in the near future. Get the backup of all the other housemates and put in place a timeframe by which she must be moved out. Also I hope that rent and bills will be forthcoming for her time in the house. You will notice bills creeping up with her being in the house 24/7.

In relation to the boyfriend, he is a sneaky good for nothing. Moving her in without even asking.

Exclamation Marc

Christ that sounds totally underhanded by your housemate, not even having the decency to let you know at the outset.

You need to sit down and set a timeframe with your other housemates by which time she has to be gone. Bills are going to fly up with someone being there 24/7 and unless you have an agreed time, she ain't leaving.

If you set a timeframe at least you can relax in the knowledge that it'll ride itself out in that timeframe, whereas if you wait it out you'll just be stressing and wondering when she'll be gone and it'll probably take weeks. Plus it gives her time to sort it out. If you leave it two weeks, you're not going to be able to demand she leave straight away, so it'll be another couple of weeks.

tayto lover

Get rid of both of them. Both are cheeky to not have asked permission beforehand.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

RachN0207 wrote: »

Thanks for all the feedback guys! I spoke with him on Monday night in regards to it and he's asked that we just bear with them for the time being as she lost her job a month ago and couldn't afford to pay her rent as a result and so has nowhere else to go. Really don't know what to do now as me and the others feel too mean to say she has to leave when she has no money and nowhere to go. He says he's trying to sort a room in a houseshare for her but not quite sure if he is or not. Think I'll leave it another week or 2 before I mention it again. Hoping it will sort itself out at this point.

I'm sorry, is this woman in her late twenties? While your housemate is out working and she's sitting around your gaff using your utilities what is it that she's so busy doing that he's the one who's trying to find her a houseshare?

I'd give it another week max, and let him know that's all ye're willing to put up with, or else he/they have to start putting in a bigger portion of the rent.

BabySlam

Be direct. Tell both of them it is not acceptable.

Penny Tration

So instead of getting up off her ass and going out proactively seeking jobs, she's sitting in all day running up the bills she's not paying?

You shouldn't agree to another week, unless it's on the condition that the rent is split per person, so she, you, he and all other housemates pay equal shares.

He's taking the piss and you're letting him.

Tarzana2

Agreed! You need to put a financial price on her staying any longer or else they will continue to take the piss.

moc moc a moc

RachN0207 wrote: »

Think I'll leave it another week or 2 before I mention it again. Hoping it will sort itself out at this point.

How will it sort itself out if you don't mention it again? I don't understand how this is supposed to work. You and the other housemates should be on his case every other day until she is gotten rid of.

Explosive_Cornflake

She's new on the scene also, he's been taking along for a ride while the rest of ye are also.

He needs to pay 2/5ths of the utility's while ye pay a 5th each. She sounds like a lazy sod and she'll be there for months.

RachN0207

I know ye're probably right and we should be more assertive in moving her on but I feel like everyone else has kind of left it for now so I don't want to seem like a bitch for going on about it again. I have a feeling that we'll still be in the same position in a few weeks as when I spoke to her this evening after work she was still in her pyjamas, not exactly a productive day spent out looking for a job is it! She told me she was going to go speak to social welfare to see if they can help her but not sure they will as she's a foreign national and hasn't worked here for very long. My boyfriend thinks we're all being taken for fools by her and I kinda know he's right but feel powerless to do anything about her right now.

Exclamation Marc

Also if you don't sit down and set a date, she's not gonna have any rush on. Free accommodation and utilities will make someone very picky and comfortable.

Set a date, that'll get her @ss in gear otherwise your housemate will probably be playing prince charming to his new gf saying that given there's no set date that she has to be gone by, she can stay as long as she wants (as without you guys setting a date, you're effectively permitting her to stay as long as she wants).

She has friends and family I'm sure and with no work she's not tied down to staying in some location. And as others have said, your house-mate is a bit of a mug letting this new one stay around. She could very easily be using him for accommodation. If she's sitting around in her pyjamas, that is totally taking the p!ss. She's clearly using your place as a free stop-off.

Señor Fancy Pants

Come on OP.

You guys are very clearly being used. That's not a problem if her fella is paying both their way in the houseshare.

Being human and letting someone stay short term in a place you are paying for is a nice thing to do....for a week or two.

I'm sensing that neither of them are in a rush to get her problem resolved.

Say nothing and she will be there until Christmas. It's not easy but she needs to be shown the door before she ends up wondering why you are still there.

Tarzana2

RachN0207 wrote: »

She told me she was going to go speak to social welfare to see if they can help her but not sure they will as she's a foreign national and hasn't worked here for very long.

Alarm bells right here!!!! If she can't get social welfare, how will she be able to afford to rent anywhere if she doesn't have a job? And lolling around in a house she doesn't contribute to in any way, has she no shame? Nip this in the bud now, don't worry about looking like a bitch.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Yeah seriously, the longer this goes on the worse it'll be. You're handing them the ability to say 'well it wasn't a problem up to now so why are you suddenly making a big deal of it after so long' and 'if I knew it was a problem I wouldn't have let it go on this long but nobody said anything to me' when you finally crack.

If she's so stuck for money, she needs to be looking for a goddamn job. You can have sympathy for someone and still point out that it's really not your problem, especially seeing as you hardly know her.

CatFromHue

You're getting alot of good advice here OP and I'm sure it's from people who've been in your position too.

As of now you're being nice to a sob story but don't slack off, this time next week bring it back up and ask hard questions and give deadlines. Not deadlines months in advance. Today is the 9th of September, next week is the 16th so the middle of the month. You should be straight up and say come Oct 1 either one or both of them is gone. From reading your OP it sounds like she moved in at the start of the month so asking them to be out by Oct 1 isn't you being a hard ass, it's actually you being very very nice. I've lived with people who would have after a week been straight on them and said no, and they'd be right too.

If your housemates aren't sure how to handle it send them the link to this thread. Everyone who posts here has house shared so knows exactly what it's like.

Some people genuinely are a but dumb when it comes to things like this. To give you an example a friend of mine was in your position in a much smaller place and same thing happened. The partner to the housemate lost her job and had nowhere to go. Neither of them contributed extra to the bills or rent and 6 months, yes 6 months as these things creep along and the couple decide they like living together, later when their contract was up they tried to stiff my mate on bills and made no effort to clean the place so they lost some of their deposit.

Also you may be in a situation with your landlord if there's 5 people in a 4 person place.

RachN0207

Thanks again for all the replies. I'm going to speak to the others again and see what they think about setting an exact date for her to be gone by. I definately agree that something needs to be set in place as she seems in no hurry. But then why would she be, it's a cushy situation for her right now. Tbh I can see our landlord having to get involved in this. She was just so indifferent to her situation when I spoke with her and never acknowledged that she was putting us all out nor thanked us either. But then I guess we're enabling that behaviour.

the_syco

RachN0207 wrote: »

Tbh I can see our landlord having to get involved in this.

Ring the landlord, and ask has he okayed your housemate to have an extra body in the house? I'm sure the landlord will either give him a deadline to get her out, or just raise his rent substantially :pac:

Tiddlypeeps

I'd be getting on to the landlord tbh. Your housemates don't seem to pushed in resolving the situation and it shouldn't be your responsibility anyway. Also you have no authority to be demanding anyone be removed from the house, that's the landlords job. This is the kind of thing that will go on for months if you let it lie, so I'd be nipping it in the bud.

jmayo

Jeeze the thing I find really annoying here is that he never even had the decency to ask or give you guys a heads up.

That means he couldn't give a sh** about what you guys think.

Added to that when you brought it up he should have immediately proffered to put extra money towards bills this month.

I have house shared where one of the guys had his Kiwi girlfriend (now missus) come stay with us from the UK for a while.
He actually asked if it was ok beforehand and she contributed towards bills.

Your guy is just sneaky and mean.

And when you do finally push I would lay odds on him becoming narky about it.
The other ones in the house need to sign up to the plan and not be hiding when it kicks off.
The best way to do that is to show them how much it is hurting their wallets.

Getting the landlord involved is the best solution she is not on the lease should not be living there, getting the landlord involved is the polite professional way of dealing with the issue and it take the pressure off your and your housemate to do anything.

reg114

jmayo wrote: »

Jeeze the thing I find really annoying here is that he never even had the decency to ask or give you guys a heads up.

That means he couldn't give a sh** about what you guys think.

Added to that when you brought it up he should have immediately proffered to put extra money towards bills this month.

I have house shared where one of the guys had his Kiwi girlfriend (now missus) come stay with us from the UK for a while.
He actually asked if it was ok beforehand and she contributed towards bills.

Your guy is just sneaky and mean.

And when you do finally push I would lay odds on him becoming narky about it.
The other ones in the house need to sign up to the plan and not be hiding when it kicks off.
The best way to do that is to show them how much it is hurting their wallets.

Yeah its amazing just how selfish some people can be and just how much of the pi$$ they can take, if allowed. This is where the other housemates need to come in to play. There should be a show of numbers here against the offending housemate, they really need to man up and just have a brutally honest conversation, if not, then the landlord needs to be told.

The result will most likely be that the offending flatmate will move out because his cosy little arrangement will have ceased. Absolutely no loss if you ask me. You don't need to be sharing with someone who shows nothing but contempt for you.

It also speaks volumes about the girlfriend too, happy to freeload, they suit each other by the sounds of things. I'd be drawing up house rules regardless because when he throws a strop and leaves, it'll be the opportune time to remind everyone in the house , including any new housemate of their shared responsibilities.

Uno my Uno.

OP you and your flat mates are the bigger people here by allowing her to stay while this Girl tries to get herself back on her feet. However don't allow yourselves to be taken advantage of, keep the pressure on so they both know that her staying there is not a long or medium term solution. That way when this does come to a head (as it probably will) you can't be accused of having acquiesced to her being there. Bear in mind that your flat mate may not be entirely happy about the situation either, if it is a new relationship he might not have planned on moving in with her at this stage so he might be quite happy for her to find a place of her own.

Incidentally who goes out to get a job these days? Jobs are found and applied for on the internet surely? Usually while in one's pajamas.

Brianderunner

I've experienced this all before. Your flatmate is taking the p!ss out of you. The first question i always ask when a guest stays is "are they paying rent somewhere else?", if the answer is no be very very suspicious. Thankfully my house sharing days are now over but i had 10 years of it for my sins.

My advice, start a group email between yourselves and the other flatmates (not inc your man). I'm sure you are all in the same boat regarding getting rid of her. All of you set an agreed date for her to jog on and one of you send an email copying in the rest of the flatmates. If they are not gone by then you let the landlord know and forward him the ultimatum email.

Just me, but i would nobble the internet box, ensuring it won't work, just before i left for work in the morning just to make her day that bit less comfortable, only for it to be miraculously fixed that evening.

Tarzana2

Uno my Uno. wrote: »

Incidentally who goes out to get a job these days? Jobs are found and applied for on the internet surely? Usually while in one's pajamas.

Aye, but if I was staying in someone else's house, I wouldn't be lolling around in PJs all day. Getting dressed sends out a message to the housemates that she is being proactive.

Uno my Uno.

I have actually been through a similar situation where on flat mate asked if GF could stay "for a couple of weeks" when she came back from a year abroad and she ended up staying for six weeks. It wasn't an issue for two of us as we all got on well. However after two weeks our fourth Flatmate started demanding that she pay a 5th of all bills which over the course of 6 weeks amounted to something in the region of E30, barely a tenner each to the rest of us.

Technically he was entitled to do it but it came across as petty and mean spirited, he also started doing things like turning off the heat during the day and generally making her feel unwelcome. The end result was that there was a falling out and we all ended up moving which was probably the worst possible outcome.

If the OP wants the best possible outcome she should be clear, firm and up front about what is going on. Being petty or underhand will only lead to bad feelings and resentment which is the last thing you need in a shared house.

RachN0207

Quote: Uno my Uno.


Incidentally who goes out to get a job these days? Jobs are found and applied for on the internet surely? Usually while in one's pajamas.

Well I guess it depends on what kind of job you're looking for. If you're desperate (which she should be) wouldn't you walk the town and try get work in a bar or shop, anything just to get you back on your feet. There's just no excuse for sitting around in your pyjamas all day when you're in a situation like hers, especially in someone else's house.

Tarzana2

Well, by the sounds of things, she outstayed her welcome massively. Six weeks, not a couple of weeks. Maybe the other housemate wasn't even that keen on two weeks. Six weeks is a long time to be living with a couple when you didn't sign up for it. But I don't agree with pettiness either, be upfront, OP.

Tarzana2

RachN0207 wrote: »

Well I guess it depends on what kind of job you're looking for. If you're desperate (which she should be) wouldn't you walk the town and try get work in a bar or shop, anything just to get you back on your feet. There's just no excuse for sitting around in your pyjamas all day when you're in a situation like hers, especially in someone else's house.

Good point, stop gap jobs are found by pounding the pavements.

To be honest, I'd give her the weekend to sort herself and say she has to be gone by Monday evening or you will be getting the LL involved.

Ye have already put up with her for a good few weeks and the fact she is waltzing around the house in her pajamas would infuriate me (I'd have told her as much too if it was me). If she had any bit of cop on she would be hiding in your housemates room and be trying to avoid the other housemates totally when she shouldn't be there in the first place.

FelineOverLord

The guy is taking the proverbial. He's dating a girl he barely knows, moves her in without asking or even mentioning it to the others. She's got no job, so presumably she doesn't have the means to pay her own rent elsewhere and she's not even making the effort to try to find work or alternative accommodation. It sounds like he's providing free room and board in exchange for 'services rendered', and why wouldn't he if he can get away with it. OP has already raised the issue and nothing has changed, so it's time to get on to the landlord about her or she's never leaving.

Dublingirl88

She is free-loading on you all end of story. I think giving her anymore than the free week she has already gotten is too much. Explain she is to be gone after this weekend if not then the LL is going to be contacted.

Also when the bills arrive next month higher than normal all of you put in what the normal has been so far for each person and simply tell him he is paying the difference and if he disagrees tell him you want him out and if he refuses get the LL involved, you deserve a better housemate than him.

Exclamation Marc

Just on a side note that I don't think has been mentioned.

When she gets a job (if she gets one), she's hardly going to move out straight away as I'd imagine she has zero money to just dump on a new place immediately for a deposit and rent up front and she's going to have a tough time finding a new place having not started in a new job reference-wise. That to me screams that even after she gets a job, she's gonna hang around as long as she can, for weeks and weeks. Her getting a job will not be the end of her living with you unless something is done.

Sit down with your other housemates ASAP, set a date for next week when she has to be gone by (so you're being nice and lenient, even though there's no need for you to be - but it seems like you don't want to go straight to the nuclear option) and then when that date passes she's either gone or call the landlord.

Ursus Horribilis

The thing to bear in mind here is that your relationship with this particular housemate is on the skids anyway. There's not going to be a happy outcome to this no matter what happens. Personally I wouldn't be worried about falling out with this guy over the stunt he pulled on you all. He's probably not going to hang around anyway if the girlfriend has to leave. Sometimes you have to be a bitch even if it isn't what you're comfortable with. This guy senses that he can walk all over you and if you don't tackle this again, you'll still be looking at her lounging around the house in her jimjams in a few months time.

CatFromHue

Yeah you're the wronged party here OP, he's the one who made the problem.

Tarzana2

Odus fell down wrote: »

Sometimes you have to be a bitch even if it isn't what you're comfortable with.

True dat! And sometimes, being the "bitch" can actually make someone respect you more because they recognise it as you being assertive, not bitchy.

scrimshanker

I wouldn't ask for increased rent or a contribution to bills just yet... They might feel justified in her staying on if "she" is paying towards rent and bills, then you'll never get her out.

Get her out within the month, THEN say to yerman that in light of her being in the house for such a length of time, you think he should pay 30% of the bills instead of 20%.