My Parents think my boyfriends is cheap....do I tell him

Bamboozeled

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged and it has come to light that my parents think he is cheap. He went back to college and has just finished his course so doesn't have extra spending money to be 'spoiling' me ALL the time, which I understand. He comes to a lot of family dinners etc and they think it would be better if he paid once in a while.

How do I approach this with him....should I tell him?

matrim

Bamboozeled wrote: »

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged and it has come to light that my parents think he is cheap. He went back to college and has just finished his course so doesn't have extra spending money to be 'spoiling' me ALL the time, which I understand. He comes to a lot of family dinners etc and they think it would be better if he paid once in a while.

How do I approach this with him....should I tell him?

Is he cheap? If not just say it to him that he should offer to pay once in a while.

Bamboozeled

No, he isn't cheap, he just doesn't have the extra cash to be surprising me with little things and when we go to dinner we both pay....or we take turns in paying.

Addle

Don't tell him.
Your parents should have kept their feelings to themselves.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't tell him, you don't need that kind of start to your engagement. I think your parents are being a bit unfair, presumably he just doesn't have much money rather than him actually being tight with it. If he starts to earn and keeps up the habit, that's a different picture and you may have to tackle it head on.

That said, it is a bit off to expect to be fed regularly without ponying up, so maybe just do your own thing as a couple and go to fewer of those occasions so they have less to complain about. You may have to miss out here and there yourself, but there you go, you're engaged and that's the start of a new family, so you makes your choices.

eviltwin

I would think your parents would be a bit more understanding. When you are a student it's hard enough finding money for essentials let alone extras like taking the in laws out to dinner. Don't say anything, you'll just embarrass him and create unnecessary aggro. How do they feel about him otherwise?

LegacyUser

Bamboozeled wrote: »

when we go to dinner we both pay....or we take turns in paying.

You posted this while I was typing my first post and obviously I can't edit. If you're both chipping in, I'm at a loss to know what your parents are moaning about at all and it may be them you need to tackle, not your boyfriend.

Raminahobbin

If you don't think he's cheap and it's purely circumstantial, not personality based, then if I were you, I'd be pretty angry at my parents for saying that. I certainly wouldn't pass it on to my BF. How dare they?? He's broke cos he's a mature student, trying to better himself!!! They've some cheek. I'm sure he feels bad enough about not having any extra cash without this pressure on him for something that is absolutely not his fault. :mad:

CaraMay

So when you go to family dinners who pays? Does he offer to contribute? Do you pay for yourself or both of you?

Bamboozeled

CaraMay wrote: »

So when you go to family dinners who pays? Does he offer to contribute? Do you pay for yourself or both of you?

My parents pay, they don't mind but just feel he could return the favour every once in a while. I can understand where they are coming from but its more difficult for him to have to pay for 4-5 people

Bamboozeled

eviltwin wrote: »

I would think your parents would be a bit more understanding. When you are a student it's hard enough finding money for essentials let alone extras like taking the in laws out to dinner. Don't say anything, you'll just embarrass him and create unnecessary aggro. How do they feel about him otherwise?

They like him

elefant

Bamboozeled wrote: »

My parents pay, they don't mind but just feel he could return the favour every once in a while. I can understand where they are coming from but its more difficult for him to have to pay for 4-5 people

I'd say the issue is with your parents, and they should be told this rather than making him feel cheap for accepting their 'generosity'.

They are expecting something in return for including your boyfriend in family dinners, and they (presumably) know he can't afford this return which is completely unfair on him.

They should either refrain from inviting him if they don't want to be out-of-pocket, or else continue to include him and start being realistic and understanding that a student can't afford to be paying for his girlfriend's parents' meals out.

matrim

Bamboozeled wrote: »

My parents pay, they don't mind but just feel he could return the favour every once in a while. I can understand where they are coming from but its more difficult for him to have to pay for 4-5 people

They obviously do mind or they wouldn't have said anything. How often do you guys go out for dinner with them?

Could you not offer to pay as a couple once in a while? Or if you want it to appear from him, then you give him money before hand? Even the suggestion that you both pay for your own stuff would probably be enough.

PinkLemonade

Your engaged so you should be paying as a couple

MissFlitworth

Your parents are being nuts. You don't organise family dinners out if you expect everyone, including people on very low incomes, to take their turns paying for them and will get insulting when they don't. It's something people normally take into account when they organise family get togethers, the relative incomes of everyone coming along so no one is left spending their grocery money for the month paying for dinner for their in laws. Don't tell your boyfriend your parents think he's cheap and maybe either don't go to so many family dinners with him or pick up the tab yourself a couple of times so your folks don't feel put out

Bamboozeled

matrim wrote: »

They obviously do mind or they wouldn't have said anything. How often do you guys go out for dinner with them?

Could you not offer to pay as a couple once in a while? Or if you want it to appear from him, then you give him money before hand? Even the suggestion that you both pay for your own stuff would probably be enough.

We could go every weekend for a few weeks and then skip a few, depending what's on etc. Yea, we could do that, that's not a bad idea but I know they'll refuse as they wouldn't want me to pay. It's not about the money so much, its just more the principle.

Meauldsegosha

Bamboozeled wrote: »

...my parents think he is cheap.

... doesn't have extra spending money to be 'spoiling' me ALL the time, which I understand.

He comes to a lot of family dinners etc and they think it would be better if he paid once in a while.

Bamboozeled wrote: »

... he just doesn't have the extra cash to be surprising me with little things ...

Which is your real issue OP? So your parents mentioned him paying for dinner once in a while. And as a couple, I think you should pay for dinner occasionally. But twice you mention him spoiling/surprising you ALL the time with little things. Is that what you are really annoyed about, him not spoiling you?

PinkLemonade

Bamboozeled wrote: »

We could go every weekend for a few weeks and then skip a few, depending what's on etc. Yea, we could do that, that's not a bad idea but I know they'll refuse as they wouldn't want me to pay. It's not about the money so much, its just more the principle.

That's actually shocking, your parents won't let you pay for your own dinner but your soon to be husband and student is cheap because he can't fork out for the whole family

It sounds like your parents aspire to you becoming a kept women

steddyeddy

Are your parents expecting your boyfriend to spoil you? If true the attitude problem might lie with your parents.

pooch90

Oh my god, I would be hopping with my parents for saying anything of the sort. Whenever we go out for dinner, my mother will pay and wouldn't hear of any of us trying to, regardless of income.
They know the financial situation on your end and should either not be expecting you to go out for dinner so often or shutting up and not bitching about your poor fiance who is trying to better himself.

osarusan

Bamboozeled wrote: »

No, he isn't cheap, he just doesn't have the extra cash to be surprising me with little things and when we go to dinner we both pay....or we take turns in paying.

This is what you should be telling your parents.

Explain they are wrong, and that's the end of it.

I can't understand what these 'principles' of theirs are.

ibarelycare

Bamboozeled wrote: »

We could go every weekend for a few weeks and then skip a few, depending what's on etc. Yea, we could do that, that's not a bad idea but I know they'll refuse as they wouldn't want me to pay. It's not about the money so much, its just more the principle.

Most weekends is a lot of dinners being paid for. Do your parents specifically invite everyone out for dinner, including your fiance? If so, then I don't think it's fair that they criticise him for not paying. Do they criticise you for the same?

However it is very generous of them to pay for all these meals out, and I do think you and your fiance (specifically you, on you and your fiance's behalf) should put your hands in your pockets and offer to pay every once in a while.

If you can't afford to do this, then don't accept as many dinner invitations.

giggle84

If your parents invite you out for dinner and pick the restaurant it's hardly fair to expect you to pay for everyone? If it was the other way around and you invited them out then it would be fair (and expected) that you would pay.

Why not invite them around for dinner occasionally and cook for them to repay the favour if you can't afford to pay for a meal in a restaurant?

By you I mean plural, I think it's strange that your parents, and possibly you yourself, think that your OH should offer to pay but you shouldn't!

MistyCheese

giggle84 wrote: »

Why not invite them around for dinner occasionally and cook for them to repay the favour if you can't afford to pay for a meal in a restaurant?

^ This is a great idea OP. You and your fiancé can reciprocate, but in a way that's affordable to you. Tbh, if your parents still have a problem with this then I'd have no issue telling them to go take a running jump.

Ruby31

ibarelycare wrote: »

Most weekends is a lot of dinners being paid for. Do your parents specifically invite everyone out for dinner, including your fiance? If so, then I don't think it's fair that they criticise him for not paying. Do they criticise you for the same?

However it is very generous of them to pay for all these meals out, and I do think you and your fiance (specifically you, on you and your fiance's behalf) should put your hands in your pockets and offer to pay every once in a while.

If you can't afford to do this, then don't accept as many dinner invitations.

I agree with this.

I'm just wondering, when your parents invite you out for dinner, what would the reaction be if you turned down the invitation & cited a lack of money as the reason? Would they be fine with that, or would they be put out?

On a side-note, I've never heard of people going out for so many meals with their parents!

Bamboozeled

giggle84 wrote: »

If your parents invite you out for dinner and pick the restaurant it's hardly fair to expect you to pay for everyone? If it was the other way around and you invited them out then it would be fair (and expected) that you would pay.

Why not invite them around for dinner occasionally and cook for them to repay the favour if you can't afford to pay for a meal in a restaurant?

By you I mean plural, I think it's strange that your parents, and possibly you yourself, think that your OH should offer to pay but you shouldn't!

I agree with you, I don't expect him to pay and not pay myself, I said that they wouldn't. The cooking dinner thing is a good idea!

Bamboozeled

Ruby31 wrote: »

I agree with this.

I'm just wondering, when your parents invite you out for dinner, what would the reaction be if you turned down the invitation & cited a lack of money as the reason? Would they be fine with that, or would they be put out?

On a side-note, I've never heard of people going out for so many meals with their parents!

i don't see spending time with my family as a bad thing, it's the reaction I'm talking about. We are a close family, I'm not disagreeing with anybody here, it's not the reaction I would want from my parents

Bamboozeled

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Which is your real issue OP? So your parents mentioned him paying for dinner once in a while. And as a couple, I think you should pay for dinner occasionally. But twice you mention him spoiling/surprising you ALL the time with little things. Is that what you are really annoyed about, him not spoiling you?

Clearly not! I'm annoyed at my parent's reaction!

PinkLemonade

Bamboozeled wrote: »

Clearly not! I'm annoyed at my parent's reaction!

Have you ever tried to pay yourself OP? What happened?

CaraMay

Their attitude is obnoxious. They are giving only on the basis of pay back. Do the other people going pay for dinners or is it only him they expect to pay? I suspect there's more to it than paying for dinner

OneOfThem

What did your parents say, exactly? Was it a passing comment about your fiancé not paying for the odd dinner? Did they actually say they think he's cheap? Did they say something about him "not spoiling you enough"?