My Parents think my boyfriends is cheap....do I tell him

Bamboozeled

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged and it has come to light that my parents think he is cheap. He went back to college and has just finished his course so doesn't have extra spending money to be 'spoiling' me ALL the time, which I understand. He comes to a lot of family dinners etc and they think it would be better if he paid once in a while.

How do I approach this with him....should I tell him?

matrim

Bamboozeled wrote: »

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged and it has come to light that my parents think he is cheap. He went back to college and has just finished his course so doesn't have extra spending money to be 'spoiling' me ALL the time, which I understand. He comes to a lot of family dinners etc and they think it would be better if he paid once in a while.

How do I approach this with him....should I tell him?

Is he cheap? If not just say it to him that he should offer to pay once in a while.

Bamboozeled

No, he isn't cheap, he just doesn't have the extra cash to be surprising me with little things and when we go to dinner we both pay....or we take turns in paying.

Addle

Don't tell him.
Your parents should have kept their feelings to themselves.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't tell him, you don't need that kind of start to your engagement. I think your parents are being a bit unfair, presumably he just doesn't have much money rather than him actually being tight with it. If he starts to earn and keeps up the habit, that's a different picture and you may have to tackle it head on.

That said, it is a bit off to expect to be fed regularly without ponying up, so maybe just do your own thing as a couple and go to fewer of those occasions so they have less to complain about. You may have to miss out here and there yourself, but there you go, you're engaged and that's the start of a new family, so you makes your choices.

eviltwin

I would think your parents would be a bit more understanding. When you are a student it's hard enough finding money for essentials let alone extras like taking the in laws out to dinner. Don't say anything, you'll just embarrass him and create unnecessary aggro. How do they feel about him otherwise?

LegacyUser

Bamboozeled wrote: »

when we go to dinner we both pay....or we take turns in paying.

You posted this while I was typing my first post and obviously I can't edit. If you're both chipping in, I'm at a loss to know what your parents are moaning about at all and it may be them you need to tackle, not your boyfriend.

Raminahobbin

If you don't think he's cheap and it's purely circumstantial, not personality based, then if I were you, I'd be pretty angry at my parents for saying that. I certainly wouldn't pass it on to my BF. How dare they?? He's broke cos he's a mature student, trying to better himself!!! They've some cheek. I'm sure he feels bad enough about not having any extra cash without this pressure on him for something that is absolutely not his fault. :mad:

CaraMay

So when you go to family dinners who pays? Does he offer to contribute? Do you pay for yourself or both of you?

Bamboozeled

CaraMay wrote: »

So when you go to family dinners who pays? Does he offer to contribute? Do you pay for yourself or both of you?

My parents pay, they don't mind but just feel he could return the favour every once in a while. I can understand where they are coming from but its more difficult for him to have to pay for 4-5 people

Bamboozeled

eviltwin wrote: »

I would think your parents would be a bit more understanding. When you are a student it's hard enough finding money for essentials let alone extras like taking the in laws out to dinner. Don't say anything, you'll just embarrass him and create unnecessary aggro. How do they feel about him otherwise?

They like him

elefant

Bamboozeled wrote: »

My parents pay, they don't mind but just feel he could return the favour every once in a while. I can understand where they are coming from but its more difficult for him to have to pay for 4-5 people

I'd say the issue is with your parents, and they should be told this rather than making him feel cheap for accepting their 'generosity'.

They are expecting something in return for including your boyfriend in family dinners, and they (presumably) know he can't afford this return which is completely unfair on him.

They should either refrain from inviting him if they don't want to be out-of-pocket, or else continue to include him and start being realistic and understanding that a student can't afford to be paying for his girlfriend's parents' meals out.

matrim

Bamboozeled wrote: »

My parents pay, they don't mind but just feel he could return the favour every once in a while. I can understand where they are coming from but its more difficult for him to have to pay for 4-5 people

They obviously do mind or they wouldn't have said anything. How often do you guys go out for dinner with them?

Could you not offer to pay as a couple once in a while? Or if you want it to appear from him, then you give him money before hand? Even the suggestion that you both pay for your own stuff would probably be enough.

PinkLemonade

Your engaged so you should be paying as a couple

MissFlitworth

Your parents are being nuts. You don't organise family dinners out if you expect everyone, including people on very low incomes, to take their turns paying for them and will get insulting when they don't. It's something people normally take into account when they organise family get togethers, the relative incomes of everyone coming along so no one is left spending their grocery money for the month paying for dinner for their in laws. Don't tell your boyfriend your parents think he's cheap and maybe either don't go to so many family dinners with him or pick up the tab yourself a couple of times so your folks don't feel put out

Bamboozeled

matrim wrote: »

They obviously do mind or they wouldn't have said anything. How often do you guys go out for dinner with them?

Could you not offer to pay as a couple once in a while? Or if you want it to appear from him, then you give him money before hand? Even the suggestion that you both pay for your own stuff would probably be enough.

We could go every weekend for a few weeks and then skip a few, depending what's on etc. Yea, we could do that, that's not a bad idea but I know they'll refuse as they wouldn't want me to pay. It's not about the money so much, its just more the principle.

Meauldsegosha

Bamboozeled wrote: »

...my parents think he is cheap.

... doesn't have extra spending money to be 'spoiling' me ALL the time, which I understand.

He comes to a lot of family dinners etc and they think it would be better if he paid once in a while.

Bamboozeled wrote: »

... he just doesn't have the extra cash to be surprising me with little things ...

Which is your real issue OP? So your parents mentioned him paying for dinner once in a while. And as a couple, I think you should pay for dinner occasionally. But twice you mention him spoiling/surprising you ALL the time with little things. Is that what you are really annoyed about, him not spoiling you?

PinkLemonade

Bamboozeled wrote: »

We could go every weekend for a few weeks and then skip a few, depending what's on etc. Yea, we could do that, that's not a bad idea but I know they'll refuse as they wouldn't want me to pay. It's not about the money so much, its just more the principle.

That's actually shocking, your parents won't let you pay for your own dinner but your soon to be husband and student is cheap because he can't fork out for the whole family

It sounds like your parents aspire to you becoming a kept women

steddyeddy

Are your parents expecting your boyfriend to spoil you? If true the attitude problem might lie with your parents.

pooch90

Oh my god, I would be hopping with my parents for saying anything of the sort. Whenever we go out for dinner, my mother will pay and wouldn't hear of any of us trying to, regardless of income.
They know the financial situation on your end and should either not be expecting you to go out for dinner so often or shutting up and not bitching about your poor fiance who is trying to better himself.

osarusan

Bamboozeled wrote: »

No, he isn't cheap, he just doesn't have the extra cash to be surprising me with little things and when we go to dinner we both pay....or we take turns in paying.

This is what you should be telling your parents.

Explain they are wrong, and that's the end of it.

I can't understand what these 'principles' of theirs are.

ibarelycare

Bamboozeled wrote: »

We could go every weekend for a few weeks and then skip a few, depending what's on etc. Yea, we could do that, that's not a bad idea but I know they'll refuse as they wouldn't want me to pay. It's not about the money so much, its just more the principle.

Most weekends is a lot of dinners being paid for. Do your parents specifically invite everyone out for dinner, including your fiance? If so, then I don't think it's fair that they criticise him for not paying. Do they criticise you for the same?

However it is very generous of them to pay for all these meals out, and I do think you and your fiance (specifically you, on you and your fiance's behalf) should put your hands in your pockets and offer to pay every once in a while.

If you can't afford to do this, then don't accept as many dinner invitations.

giggle84

If your parents invite you out for dinner and pick the restaurant it's hardly fair to expect you to pay for everyone? If it was the other way around and you invited them out then it would be fair (and expected) that you would pay.

Why not invite them around for dinner occasionally and cook for them to repay the favour if you can't afford to pay for a meal in a restaurant?

By you I mean plural, I think it's strange that your parents, and possibly you yourself, think that your OH should offer to pay but you shouldn't!

MistyCheese

giggle84 wrote: »

Why not invite them around for dinner occasionally and cook for them to repay the favour if you can't afford to pay for a meal in a restaurant?

^ This is a great idea OP. You and your fiancé can reciprocate, but in a way that's affordable to you. Tbh, if your parents still have a problem with this then I'd have no issue telling them to go take a running jump.

Ruby31

ibarelycare wrote: »

Most weekends is a lot of dinners being paid for. Do your parents specifically invite everyone out for dinner, including your fiance? If so, then I don't think it's fair that they criticise him for not paying. Do they criticise you for the same?

However it is very generous of them to pay for all these meals out, and I do think you and your fiance (specifically you, on you and your fiance's behalf) should put your hands in your pockets and offer to pay every once in a while.

If you can't afford to do this, then don't accept as many dinner invitations.

I agree with this.

I'm just wondering, when your parents invite you out for dinner, what would the reaction be if you turned down the invitation & cited a lack of money as the reason? Would they be fine with that, or would they be put out?

On a side-note, I've never heard of people going out for so many meals with their parents!

Bamboozeled

giggle84 wrote: »

If your parents invite you out for dinner and pick the restaurant it's hardly fair to expect you to pay for everyone? If it was the other way around and you invited them out then it would be fair (and expected) that you would pay.

Why not invite them around for dinner occasionally and cook for them to repay the favour if you can't afford to pay for a meal in a restaurant?

By you I mean plural, I think it's strange that your parents, and possibly you yourself, think that your OH should offer to pay but you shouldn't!

I agree with you, I don't expect him to pay and not pay myself, I said that they wouldn't. The cooking dinner thing is a good idea!

Bamboozeled

Ruby31 wrote: »

I agree with this.

I'm just wondering, when your parents invite you out for dinner, what would the reaction be if you turned down the invitation & cited a lack of money as the reason? Would they be fine with that, or would they be put out?

On a side-note, I've never heard of people going out for so many meals with their parents!

i don't see spending time with my family as a bad thing, it's the reaction I'm talking about. We are a close family, I'm not disagreeing with anybody here, it's not the reaction I would want from my parents

Bamboozeled

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Which is your real issue OP? So your parents mentioned him paying for dinner once in a while. And as a couple, I think you should pay for dinner occasionally. But twice you mention him spoiling/surprising you ALL the time with little things. Is that what you are really annoyed about, him not spoiling you?

Clearly not! I'm annoyed at my parent's reaction!

PinkLemonade

Bamboozeled wrote: »

Clearly not! I'm annoyed at my parent's reaction!

Have you ever tried to pay yourself OP? What happened?

CaraMay

Their attitude is obnoxious. They are giving only on the basis of pay back. Do the other people going pay for dinners or is it only him they expect to pay? I suspect there's more to it than paying for dinner

OneOfThem

What did your parents say, exactly? Was it a passing comment about your fiancé not paying for the odd dinner? Did they actually say they think he's cheap? Did they say something about him "not spoiling you enough"?

Bamboozeled

OneOfThem wrote: »

What did your parents say, exactly? Was it a passing comment about your fiancé not paying for the odd dinner? Did they actually say they think he's cheap? Did they say something about him "not spoiling you enough"?

I was asked did he 'spoil me', the word cheap wasn't used but it was implied i suppose.

Typer Monkey

Spoiling you is a strange metric to judge the health of a relationship by.

My own mother asks 'is he kind?'. I think that's a far better indicator of someone's character then how much money he spends on you.

Is he kind to you OP? If so forget about this 'spoiling business'. Maybe you should consider going out for dinner with your parents a bit less and just visit them for a cuppa tea or whatever instead

Lux23

If your parents mention this again, I would ask them what they expect your boyfriend to do for you? Does you Dad pay for your Mum all the time? Do they want you to be dependent on someone else all your life? Because that is not how you should raise your children.

tinz18

Hi OP,

I would be in your fiance's position in that my boyfriends parents always bring us out for meals when we visit.

I wouldn't relay what your parents said about being cheap- he's a student with limited income, once he gets a job you'll be able to figure out how financially generous he is. I take it as a source of pride that I have always paid my own way through college and even now, although my boyfriend is on twice my income, I still insist on paying 50/50 of all the bills and rent, in addition to the expenses of my car (which I won't expect him to pay halves towards until he learns to drive). The result is I have less disposable income than him after bills so when it comes to going out to eat with his family he'll pay every once and a while (it took me a long time to make peace with letting him cover me).

I would be horrified if my boyfriend's parents thought I was cheap because I can't afford to spend €120 plus in a restaurant on a regular basis. His parents are generous and know that I don't have much money (doing a PhD). I return the favour by cooking a big spread any time they visit us.

As for the spoiling bit, do you spoil him? I don't get the mentality that the guy should always spoil the girl, its outdated considering when I graduate I will be probably be the bigger earner in our house. I know my parents prefer that I stand on my own feet rather than become a "kept woman" even now while I'm for all extensive purposes a broke student. Would your parent's prefer you to be happy with your fiance or be with some guy who is financially generous but treats you crap in other ways?

LegacyUser

Bamboozeled wrote: »

I was asked did he 'spoil me', the word cheap wasn't used but it was implied i suppose.

Which is totally different from what you first posted and if that was the question, exactly as you've phrased it there, then there is no implication that they were saying he's cheap. If that's not how it was phrased, then maybe stop drip feeding the thread and say what actually happened so people can offer you some decent advice before you come to some conclusion that does harm all around you. At the moment, he makes as much effort as he can, your parents asked an innocuous question and you're creating a problem out of that which doesn't exist.

OneOfThem

Bamboozeled wrote: »

I was asked did he 'spoil me', the word cheap wasn't used but it was implied i suppose.

Spoil you? Ah what are you, a child, a broth? It sounds like they might just be a bit old fashioned or something? I'd say pay them no heed. If they stick their nose in again very politely tell them that you're an adult and it's not really thier place to be trying to involve themselves in your relationship.
And maybe cut down on the amount of dinner invitations you accept.

Bamboozeled

tinz18 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I would be in your fiance's position in that my boyfriends parents always bring us out for meals when we visit.

I wouldn't relay what your parents said about being cheap- he's a student with limited income, once he gets a job you'll be able to figure out how financially generous he is. I take it as a source of pride that I have always paid my own way through college and even now, although my boyfriend is on twice my income, I still insist on paying 50/50 of all the bills and rent, in addition to the expenses of my car (which I won't expect him to pay halves towards until he learns to drive). The result is I have less disposable income than him after bills so when it comes to going out to eat with his family he'll pay every once and a while (it took me a long time to make peace with letting him cover me).

I would be horrified if my boyfriend's parents thought I was cheap because I can't afford to spend €120 plus in a restaurant on a regular basis. His parents are generous and know that I don't have much money (doing a PhD). I return the favour by cooking a big spread any time they visit us.

As for the spoiling bit, do you spoil him? I don't get the mentality that the guy should always spoil the girl, its outdated considering when I graduate I will be probably be the bigger earner in our house. I know my parents prefer that I stand on my own feet rather than become a "kept woman" even now while I'm for all extensive purposes a broke student. Would your parent's prefer you to be happy with your fiance or be with some guy who is financially generous but treats you crap in other ways?

I completely agree with you! I would like to think I 'spoil' him, yea, in a number of ways. I pick him up little things every now and then and I cook him dinner etc, stuff i enjoy doing for him. I don't have any issues with the way he treats me, he's good to me. I particularly agree with your last comment also. I was just more trying to find out if I should mention anything to him at all, even if in a non-direct way.

MagicMarker

TBH if these dinners are so regular then he shouldn't be accepting the invitation if he can't contribute.

I would feel like a child if my girlfriend's parents constantly paid for my meal for me.

Bamboozeled

OneOfThem wrote: »

Spoil you? Ah what are you, a child, a broth? It sounds like they might just be a bit old fashioned or something? I'd say pay them no heed. If they stick their nose in again very politely tell them that you're an adult and it's not really thier place to be trying to involve themselves in your relationship.
And maybe cut down on the amount of dinner invitations you accept.

I agree They aren't old fashioned themselves at all but they have slightly old fashioned ideals maybe in relation to restaurants, bars etc (not everything). They are very much the type of people also who would want me to be independent. YES, i know they contradict each other but I suppose they just want to make sure he's more generous (a good person) than 'mean', if you get me.

Sunflower 27

Your parents seem quite opinionated. Ask them if they would like it if you gave your 2 cents worth regarding their relationship. It is clear your bf is improving himself. I am sure they will be delighted when he qualifies and can spend money on you! They seem overly critical and, quite frankly, bang out of order.

Jimmy Bottlehead

OP, as a guy who is putting himself through part-time college (as well as renting my own place, paying all bills, cars, etc) I can say that it's not an easy thing to do and he has my admiration.

Your boyfriend sounds like a good lad who's trying to better himself. And it sounds like you're a good girl who understands this, which is important. You being supportive and understanding makes a big difference because he's probably very aware that he can't treat you or spoil you as much as he'd like, and he's probably also aware that your family know it too.

The issue isn't him. The issue is with your parents. And that may mean sitting down with them and telling them straight out that he treats you well, is doing the best he can and if they have a problem with that, they can keep it to themselves.
At the end of the day, money doesn't equal happiness and I know I'd be much happier cuddled up on a sofa watching TV with someone I loved than to be treated to a five star restaurant with someone I tolerated.

freshpopcorn

I've often heard of people and them not liking their sons/daughters partner. What these people do is constantly bring them out for dinner tough.

DukeOfTheSharp

Don't tell him, it's on your parents, not him. Telling him this will just make him feel uncomfortable around them, and honestly if anything you should take your parents aside and explain to them in no uncertain manner the current situation he's in, and how disappointed you are in their thoughts on the matter. Also, make it clear that if they keep bringing this up as a 'problem', you won't be joining them for dinner anytime soon. The fact is that no matter what happens, either you or your boyfriend will be uncomfortable around your parents until they grow up and stop being so ridiculously judgmental, so making it clear that they keep their thoughts to themselves will make things a lot easier. I'm amazed that two adults can be so utterly immature and blind to reality.

CaraMay

Definitely do not tell him. Tbh I wouldn't be going for dinner with them (and bringing fiancé) when they clearly begrudge him being there / don't want him there.

Matteroffact

Why would you want to tell him what your parents said? Are you trying to cause a rift between them? Telling your fiance this would make him feel dreadful and he would never want to go to dinner with them again. If your parents are not happy with him not contributing then let them stop asking him.

Calhoun

Pretty much what everyone else has said, it will either cause a rift or make it very uncomfortable for your husband to be and parents going forward.

Personally if i was told i wouldn't be going to visit let alone for dinner for a long time with them.

I would also get them to check their old fashioned feedback because i can tell you this with a wedding coming up you can expect more interference.

suicide_circus

Tbh I'd be knocking these dinners on the head for a good while after that

MouseTail

It is cheap to be always accepting hospitality without returning it.
it doesn't mean you or your bf pay for a meal out, but it means you host them for a change, meal in your flat etc. I'm fairly shocked that this hasn't occurred to you before.

zeffabelli

I wouldn't relay this judgement.

But the thing is in our codes, people financialize their feelings, so if they see someone being stingy they read it as not caring about you. And sometimes it is indicative of greater selfishness.

Do you feel he is stingy?

I think some gesture towards reciprocation is a good idea.

deisemum

OP your parents should be keeping their opinions to themselves and are coming across as very judgemental, the type that know the price of everything but the value of nothing. You're coming across as someone who's immature still trying to get their approval and not having the backbone to set boundries with your parents.

How do you get on with his family and do you both spend as much time with his family as you do with yours?

Whenever my husband and myself bring our sons and the older lad's girlfriend out for lunch/dinner there's no way we'd ask them and expect them to pay for themselves. If you extend the invitation then you should pay for it and not bitch about it afterwards.