Gay but not proud

Cassady23

I'm gay. I've been denying this for years. I'm 36, married but separated and a father.
I don't want this. It disgusts me that I have these desires. I don't like most gay people as I think they are loud, arrogant and basically self centred idiots.
I think Panti Bliss is a clown, that there are far more pressing issues in the world than letting two men or two women get married. People are drowning in their hundreds in the Mediterranean Sea but no... It's more news worthy to report on Bruce Gender in a dress.
But, despite my disdain for all things lgbt, I can't deny that I am attracted to men.
I don't know how I am going to go on. My poor child will have to grow up with a gay parent.

PS: I am not flaming/trolling or whatever you choose to think about it. I am not happy about being gay and this is a way for me to vent my spleen about it. I am sure I am not the only person on earth who is ashamed of their sexuality.

Ten of Swords

Do you have any friends that you know to be gay? It seems like you are making a lot of assumptions.

Have you ever acted on any of these desires?

Cassady23

Hi ten of swords. Yes I do know a couple of gay or lesbian people. I have also been with a couple of guys. My first experience was more than a decade ago. Since my marriage ended I have been with 1 woman and 3 men (on different occasions lol).
Every time that I am with a guy I am still filled with the same feelings of self loathing that I had when I was a younger man. I thought it was just some residual catholic shame and that in time I would be able to accept this. But it is not just the physical aspect I have a problem with. I really do dislike the majority of gay social justice warriors. I think it's disgraceful that there are parents in uk and us who are actually allowing their young, pre-pubescent children to change their gender. Personally I think transgender people are mentally challenged and we should not pander to them. If I came home one day and said. "I think I should have been born as napoleon and want to live my life as napoleon people would quite rightly say that I had lost my mind and I would hopefully get the psychiatric help needed.
I voted against the gay marriage referendum as I could easily see through spin. If it was really about a more equal society they would repeal inheritance tax laws so that any one can bequeath anything to anyone and the govt wouldn't get their grubby hands on a cent.

aunt aggie

Don't usually post here but this just needs to be said. You're a conservative gay man and that's okay. That's your identity. I hope you find a equally conservative man to be with in the future. I think you just have a type in your mind and you haven't met him yet.

Don't worry about your child. Kids are resilient and they're happy when you are.

Mr.Frame

hmm methinks the OP is a troll

Rightwing

Cassady23 wrote: »

I'm gay. I've been denying this for years. I'm 36, married but separated and a father.
I don't want this. It disgusts me that I have these desires. I don't like most gay people as I think they are loud, arrogant and basically self centred idiots.
I think Panti Bliss is a clown, that there are far more pressing issues in the world than letting two men or two women get married. People are drowning in their hundreds in the Mediterranean Sea but no... It's more news worthy to report on Bruce Gender in a dress.
But, despite my disdain for all things lgbt, I can't deny that I am attracted to men.
I don't know how I am going to go on. My poor child will have to grow up with a gay parent.

PS: I am not flaming/trolling or whatever you choose to think about it. I am not happy about being gay and this is a way for me to vent my spleen about it. I am sure I am not the only person on earth who is ashamed of their sexuality.

I certainly sympathise with you.

One eyed Jack

Mr.Frame wrote: »

hmm methinks the OP is a troll

I don't think so tbh. I think aunt aggie nailed it when she surmised that the OP is a conservative person who happens to be gay and is actually appalled by the idea as they associate being gay with so much negativity and cannot bring themselves to wrap their head around the idea of being anything like the stereotype of the kind of person they despise.

It's actually very understandable, even if the OP hasn't dressed up their opinion in the most parliamentary language. Anger, self-loathing and years of denial will do that to a person, which is why while I have no useful advice for the OP, I can certainly empathise with their position in which they find themselves.

The OP needs support, and not people too quick to pass negative judgment upon them. That'd just fuel their already built-up pre-conceptions about people, which would just be ironic were we to start doing the same.

FWIW OP, I agree with you about Panto Bliss and Caitlyn Jenner, the media gives them far too much of the spotlight to the point where they really are just painful and cringeworthy, but they are by no means representative of people who identify as LGBT as a whole. That'd be like suggesting that... I dunno, some arsehole who identifies as heterosexual represents all heterosexual people. It's nonsense.

baby and crumble

I'm not going to get into it too much but I have to say, could you please not refer to transgender individuals as 'mentally challenged'? You may disapprove or their behaviour (I think you're being quite ignorant by doing so, but that's my opinion) but you're equating people with intellectual disabilities to people wth mental health difficulties or just poor behaviour which is incredibly ignorant, rude and offensive.

Might I suggest contacting Paddy Manning. I feel
You'd both get on like a house on fire.

Cassady23

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I don't think so tbh. I think aunt aggie nailed it when she surmised that the OP is a conservative person who happens to be gay and is actually appalled by the idea as they associate being gay with so much negativity and cannot bring themselves to wrap their head around the idea of being anything like the stereotype of the kind of person they despise.

It's actually very understandable, even if the OP hasn't dressed up their opinion in the most parliamentary language. Anger, self-loathing and years of denial will do that to a person, which is why while I have no useful advice for the OP, I can certainly empathise with their position in which they find themselves.

The OP needs support, and not people too quick to pass negative judgment upon them. That'd just fuel their already built-up pre-conceptions about people, which would just be ironic were we to start doing the same.

FWIW OP, I agree with you about Panto Bliss and Caitlyn Jenner, the media gives them far too much of the spotlight to the point where they really are just painful and cringeworthy, but they are by no means representative of people who identify as LGBT as a whole. That'd be like suggesting that... I dunno, some arsehole who identifies as heterosexual represents all heterosexual people. It's nonsense.

You're right about the fact that I am quite conservative. I brought up transgenderism simply because it's a fashionable SJW cause at the moment. I think that it's awfully bad parenting to let an 8 or 9 year old live their life as the opposite gender. People (myself included) need to learn to love and accept who they are and putting a dress on a boy is definitely not sending that message.
As far as trolling is concerned @MrFrame if you knew your internet culture a bit better you would realise that to include a disclaimer at the end of a message would defeat the purpose of trolling. Trolling is not a disparaging term about the person posting a troll comment. It refers to the angling method of trolling bait or a lure behind a boat waiting to trick a fish into biting.

junction12

I'm younger than you in my twenties and would consider myself more gay than bisexual.
My basic advice would be I think you need to talk to somebody about your sexauilty.
Regarding panti bliss. I find Panti over the top and annoying.
Regarding Bruce Jenner wearing a dress and comparing it to the migrant crisis. Why do we have sports news, soap operas, cookery shows, dramas on tv/in the news. When their are children starving all over the world/the med migrants crisis.
Marriage referendum. If you grew up in a country where same sex marriage was always legal and accepted. There's a good chance you wouldn't be in the position you are in now.
Saying they should change inheritance tax and other things first and saying it's just a farce. There were major differences between civil partnerships and marriage. This effected a lot of gay couples if anything happened to one of them. It also showed people who were battling with their sexauilty that they were accepted by the majority of the population.
Regarding 6/7 year old getting sex changes/their parents incouraging it. Well I think the parents are idiots. When I was a kid I think I wanted to be stupid things out of the TV. Regarding these cases. These are rare and often are only attention seeking.
Regarding people having sex changes. I couldn't ever imagine doing it. It seems totally bizarre to me. Once the person is over 18 and they understand what they are doing. It doesn't effect me in the slightest. It's none of my business.
Regarding your kid. I do think they'd accept you. Kids are generally pretty accepting.

wakka12

Mr.Frame wrote: »

hmm methinks the OP is a troll

I don't think so at all, I know many gay men who think exactly like him. Its sad, but I admire his honesty.

wakka12

Also I don't agree with that bit about the issues. Yes people dying in the Mediterranean is important but so is representation of transgendered peoples problems which are finally coming to light for the public. Just because one issue is more pressing doesn't mean we can't worry about less pressing issues, we can all worry about multiple issues at the same time you know. Im worried right now that my friend might be mad at me because of something I said about her to another person, hardly the most pressing issue. But should I stop worrying about it just because people are dying in the Med, no. But thats not to say I don't care about people dying in the Meditteranean either.

One eyed Jack

Cassady23 wrote: »

You're right about the fact that I am quite conservative. I brought up transgenderism simply because it's a fashionable SJW cause at the moment. I think that it's awfully bad parenting to let an 8 or 9 year old live their life as the opposite gender. People (myself included) need to learn to love and accept who they are and putting a dress on a boy is definitely not sending that message.
As far as trolling is concerned @MrFrame if you knew your internet culture a bit better you would realise that to include a disclaimer at the end of a message would defeat the purpose of trolling. Trolling is not a disparaging term about the person posting a troll comment. It refers to the angling method of trolling bait or a lure behind a boat waiting to trick a fish into biting.

Y'know OP I think it's something that you actually understand that much, and I can understand too the need to get a lot off your chest right now that's been stored up for years. If this forum is to be of any help or any use at all, then your views need to be heard. It'd be all too easy to equate you to Paddy Manning, because his views are unpopular so he must be excluded from the current narrative of "enlightenment" that I see so often among people who consider themselves part of the LGBT "community", who call for inclusion in society, yet all too often practice exclusion themselves of those people who are LGBT who don't share their views.

I can absolutely understand why you would have no particular inclination to want to identify with that group think, but you yourself are evidence if ever was needed that people are individuals, and should be respected as such, as opposed to this idea of sticking an identity label on individuals and lumping them all into one larger homogeneous group that claims to be a minority.

There are far more people like you out there than people think, and you shouldn't be shamed into silence simply because you're not "au fait" with the latest social justice lexicon. There's a lot of people that aren't, and we should be offering support and help to those people, not because of whatever particular identity label we can stick on them, but because you and everyone else, and anyone else who doesn't agree with your views, or finds your views distasteful, or doesn't like the language you use to express your views or express your frustration, they should perhaps be asking themselves -

Which is more important, to show you understanding and try and see things from your point of view, or is it more important to them that you accept what you're being told and don't dare to question it?

You've done that for long enough now already, it's about time you spoke up for yourself. Fcuk the identity labels tbh, we're all human beings, and it's incumbent upon us all to support each other, and even moreso the people who need our understanding and support are the people who despise us the most.

Cassady23

Baby and crumble. Apologies if you took umbrage at my comments. But... I will not take my words back. If a human being is born with a penis and testicles no amount of "there, there" will change that fact.
Do you really think it's acceptable to raise a male child as female? Or vice versa?

aunt aggie

wakka12 wrote: »

Also I don't agree with that bit about the issues. Yes people dying in the Mediterranean is important but so is representation of transgendered peoples problems which are finally coming to light for the public. Just because one issue is more pressing doesn't mean we can't worry about less pressing issues, we can all worry about multiple issues at the same time you know. Im worried right now that my friend might be mad at me because of something I said about her to another person, hardly the most pressing issue. But should I stop worrying about it just because people are dying in the Med, no. But thats not to say I don't care about people dying in the Meditteranean either.

Just to add to wakka's point, the transgender community are using the Bruce Jenner publicity to highlight the much higher than average murder rate among the transgender community in the US. There are horrible stories from all over the world every day, one may seem more important than the other because of your own personal beliefs or politics.

OP don't bother yourself worrying how other people raise their kids. You do a good job with your own and that's all that matters. Personally, there are abusive and neglectful people out there that do a lot more harm to young people that the parents you're disparaging.

aunt aggie

Cassady23 wrote: »

Baby and crumble. Apologies if you took umbrage at my comments. But... I will not take my words back. If a human being is born with a penis and testicles no amount of "there, there" will change that fact.
Do you really think it's acceptable to raise a male child as female? Or vice versa?

Dude that's for the doctors, psychologists and parents of the child to decide. You keep at this issue and people will think you are trolling this forum. This doesn't relate to your individual situation AT ALL.

Cassady23

One eyed Jack hits nail on head.

It's correct that my language wasn't my finest moment. Yes I have bottled up my true self for years and yes I find that the most intolerant views espoused in this past year vis-a-vis equality came from the lgbt-ers.

BUT... Two wrongs do not make a right. So on that note I would like to apologise whole-heartedly for my insensitive comments about transgender people. I may not agree with teaching children about that, but it is not very nice of me to hurt the feelings of people whose experience I know nothing about.

eviltwin

OP did you come here to present a problem or to have a rant? Seems your issue is with other lgbt people rather than yourself.....

newacc2015

Honestly I dont you will the help you need on boards. You need to go to a therapist and work though some deeply rooted issues, that others can pass off as "just being conservative". I hate to use the term "normal", but what you are expressing towards gay people isnt normal and you hinder you having relationships with them. I couldnt get my mind around transgendered people for years. Until I seen the likes of Paris is Burning and RuPauls drag race. It showed these people are exactly like us and not what you expect them to be.

Im going to guess you have no gay friends? That you have never stepped into a gay bar before? Or even know anything about gay culture? You have all these preconceptions, that arent healthy. You are gay! Do you consider yourself to be self-centred and arrogant? Or are you an outlier in the millions of gay people in these world? Gay people are some of the nicest people I have ever met. I dont find them any different to straight people. Yes some are *****. But so are a lot of straight people.

Cold War Kid

Cassady23 wrote: »

I find that the most intolerant views espoused in this past year vis-a-vis equality came from the lgbt-ers.

I can't agree with that - some on the "No" side were saying absolutely atrocious stuff. The stuff about people in favour of same-sex marriage being the most intolerant of all is just propaganda, it's bullsh-t. There were intolerant people on the "Yes" side, and tolerant people (who had no problem with gay people, just a fixed notion of what marriage should be - e.g. people of my parents' generation) on the "No" side, but don't be fooled by the rhetoric from people who want you, simply because you are gay, not to have rights.

Homophobes attempt to brainwash others into thinking it's not they who are the prejudiced ones, it's the liberals (or whatever tired auld term) but the fact of the matter is: people are people, as with hetero people there are lots of gay people who are non attention-seeking and non self-centred and just want to live their lives - and also who are interested in and involved with causes, but don't force their beliefs on others either.

There were definitely aggressive, intolerant people on the "Yes" side but also on the "No" side.

wakka12

Cassady23 wrote: »

One eyed Jack hits nail on head.

It's correct that my language wasn't my finest moment. Yes I have bottled up my true self for years and yes I find that the most intolerant views espoused in this past year vis-a-vis equality came from the lgbt-ers.

BUT... Two wrongs do not make a right. So on that note I would like to apologise whole-heartedly for my insensitive comments about transgender people. I may not agree with teaching children about that, but it is not very nice of me to hurt the feelings of people whose experience I know nothing about.

Haha, if I had a euro for every time I heard this tripe
Look, the yes side were the ones looking to be treated EQUALLY. We weren't looking to get some kind of one up on straight people. The fact that we were in that position to begin with means we were the 'victims', we didnt have the same rights granted to other people. And you think its okay that some people wanted to keep it that way, i.e..them staying in the more privileged position for no other reason than our differing sexuality, and then we are called the aggressive intolerant side. Its ****ing ridiculous

wakka12

Cold War Kid wrote: »

I can't agree with that - some on the "No" side were saying absolutely atrocious stuff. The stuff about people in favour of same-sex marriage being the most intolerant of all is just propaganda, it's bullsh-t. There were intolerant people on the "Yes" side, and tolerant people (who had no problem with gay people, just a fixed notion of what marriage should be - e.g. people of my parents' generation) on the "No" side, but don't be fooled by the rhetoric from people who want you, simply because you are gay, not to have rights.

Homophobes attempt to brainwash others into thinking it's not they who are the prejudiced ones, it's the liberals (or whatever tired auld term) but the fact of the matter is: people are people, as with hetero people there are lots of gay people who are non attention-seeking and non self-centred and just want to live their lives - and also who are interested in and involved with causes, but don't force their beliefs on others either.

There were definitely aggressive, intolerant people on the "Yes" side but also on the "No" side.

Id consider myself one of those people, but I was intolerant of the intolerance of gay people displayed and acted aggressively towards said people

Ten of Swords

Cassady23 wrote: »

I voted against the gay marriage referendum

May 23rd was a hard day for a lot of us (I had a killer hangover)

I'm not really sure what to make of your posts, they have devolved from uncertainty about your situation and future to a rant about transgender people, then parents of transgender kids. You apologised but stand over your statement (ie, not really apologised at all).

So, remind me what the question is again?

nozipcode

Best advice OP got was to take his issues off of boards.ie and into a professional psychologist's or councillor's office.
I am 100% gay and happy with that. Sure, there are segments of the gay 'community' that don't sit well with me (not many, but we can't be xpected to like everyone/have same opinions are all the rest).
Sounds like you're experiences with gay people have been limited to the media and casual hookups.
No wonder you hate gays!

Cassady23

I voted no because I think that the primary function of marriage is to beget children.

I cannot become a monk for the simple reason I cannot accept that there is an invisible sky fairy. If only it were so easy.

The main gist of my posting on here is that yes, I have finally accepted that I am gay, but that I am deeply unhappy about this. I have been with a few guys now and the feeling of being "dirty and ashamed" when it's all over will not go.
Yes I went off on a tangent regarding transgenderism but I got myself back on track and apologised for being insensitive too.
Maybe I just needed to blow off some steam about it as I can't afford the luxury of a therapist.
I'm sorry if I ruffled some feathers in some orange boas

Ten of Swords

nozipcode wrote: »

Best advice OP got was to take his issues off of boards.ie and into a professional psychologist's or councillor's office.

Agree completely.

Cassady23 wrote: »

The main gist of my posting on here is that yes, I have finally accepted that I am gay, but that I am deeply unhappy about this. I have been with a few guys now and the feeling of being "dirty and ashamed" when it's all over will not go...

...Maybe I just needed to blow off some steam about it as I can't afford the luxury of a therapist.

http://gayswitchboard.ie/ would be a good starting point.

One eyed Jack

Cassady23 wrote: »

I voted no because I think that the primary function of marriage is to beget children.

I cannot become a monk for the simple reason I cannot accept that there is an invisible sky fairy. If only it were so easy.

The main gist of my posting on here is that yes, I have finally accepted that I am gay, but that I am deeply unhappy about this. I have been with a few guys now and the feeling of being "dirty and ashamed" when it's all over will not go.
Yes I went off on a tangent regarding transgenderism but I got myself back on track and apologised for being insensitive too.
Maybe I just needed to blow off some steam about it as I can't afford the luxury of a therapist.
I'm sorry if I ruffled some feathers in some orange boas

Ahh jaysus Cass man, you're not helping yourself at all with this kind of backhanded, bitchy, snide dig on the back of what you want people to think is a genuine and sincere apology.

That's just the behaviour of an a-hole tbh, and makes it that much more difficult to want to offer you any kind of understanding, because there's only so much crap anyone else is going to take too before they'll tell you you're not worth trying with any more.

I think telling you seek counselling and all the rest of it is just patronising nonsense, the easy "go-to" default advice around here, or "join some gay clubs", or "get involved in gay culture". Load of nonsense. There's no easy and quick "fix" for you, you don't need "fixing", you are who you are, and it's just going to take time, and a hell of a lot of patience with yourself before you're able to get to a point where you're able to be comfortable with who you are, that you don't have to be even what you think you're expected to be, by yourself, or anyone else.

Fleawuss

I spent years in Opus Dei. Flagellating. Begging gods forgiveness for the heinous sins of humanity against his holy will and praising his holy name for smiting the enemies of the way the truth and the life. I hated the practice of birth control by Catholics who claimed they were of one communion but rejected the fruits of their love so that God could have more worshippers. I loved the way the church could tell everyone what to think and if they didn't they could be read from the altar.
I loved it.
Actually I didn't. It all went on. But I made up the bit about being in Opus Dei. Sorry. Bit of poetic license that. But you get my drift.

Cassady23

Look guys. I'm sorry that I'm not making a good job of articulating my thoughts. But there's one last thing I have to say and then I'll feck off from ye.

Just because I am conservative and no fan of the liberal media does not mean that I am a catholic. I am not. Religion is a bit of a neo-lithic hangover for our species and the sooner we are rid of it in all it's forms the better.
No one has more contempt for the roman cult than I do. If it were up to me, their lands would be confiscated and their tax free status revoked. Same goes for all forms of imaginary friend worship.

Anyways. Thank you to all of you and I wish you all a very pleasant remainder of your weekend.

#sickened at the GAA result today. What happened to dublin in the last 5 minutes?

whatawaster81

What you say about being dirty and ashamed reminds me of an interview with Gareth Thomas, Wales most capped rugby player who came out after a marriage break up and his career had ended. The most non stereotypical gay person ever.

Ironically his autobiography is called proud, however I wonder is he someone you could identify with?

Thetruth7

Insults trans people, insults people of religion and hates being gay. You're on a roll OP lol.
You feel ashamed after being with a man, why is that? U feel less of a man?