Dating without sex?

LegacyUser

Basically I'm a 25 year old woman and I enjoy dating and meeting new people but I would really like to hold off on having sex until I know someone well.
I find this incredibly difficult, modern dating seems to revolve so much around sex and I find men loose interest in me so quickly if I don't have sex. I have no problem with sex and have had plenty of casual sex but that's part of the problem; sex is no longer exciting to me. I like to go back to when I was younger and there was a build up to sex where as now i feel like it's all just straight down to business!
But I don't even know if it's possible to date without sex now. I have tried but if I've never managed to get past 2 dates before they lose interest. I've tried bringing it up with potential love interests two, just so they know that I'm not "playing games" or anything, I'd just like to know them a bit more but that seems to almost scare them off, as though I'm looking for some sort of major commitment. I also worry about coming across as a prude or old fashioned but I'm genuinely neither! I'd just like a deeper connection.
Does anyone else have similar problems or any advice? Thanks

themissymoo

If they're losing interest without sex, then they probably wouldn't have lasted much longer with it. Just think of it as weeding out the uninterested. They clearly weren't that into you.

I wouldn't mention that you won't be sleeping with them either, because as you said, it could scare people away. It makes it sound like you're planning ahead, rather than just going with the flow and letting things happen naturally.

Just keep playing the field, keep dating and don't lose hope. You'll eventually find men who aren't just in it for their bit. I'm in the same situation - early twenties female looking for more than just sex. It's tough, but we'll get there!

Jimmy Bottlehead

If guys aren't getting past date 2 with you, then they're simply not interested.
As said above, it's weeding out the guys who just want to get laid.
If it's that consistent though, maybe it's worth looking at the type of guy who you're going for, or else what you're doing to attract this type of guy.

B.A._Baracus

As others have said, if some guy is looking to have sex on the second date then chances are extremely high he wants nothing more than just the sex :pac: (I say this as a bloke too)

But generally after the third date IS a minefield and how you play your cards.
Like, lets say a guy and a girl meet up once a week for a date. That's the obvious 3 weeks have passed but that also includes texting, phone calls and perhaps contact through social media. That's enough time for an individual to see if they want to continue seeing the other... and that's where it gets tricky

From a man's prospective, most guys won't go 2 - 3 months of dating (or even more) without sex and you can't blame them. You need to know if a girl is into you. Otherwise blokes we naturally think they are wasting their time (as women would think too vice versa) Hence the minefield comment.

So op, take a chance. Use your gut instinct. Take calulated chances because you can weed out potential jackasses by making them wait but on the flip side you can turn off potential decent guys aswell. Again the minefield comment

Old Jakey

All men want sex. If you like a guy and want to keep him around you need to sleep with him. If you think you can go on dates and not have sex with a guy then you are just leading him on.

themissymoo

Old Jakey wrote: »

All men want sex. If you like a guy and want to keep him around you need to sleep with him. If you think you can go on dates and not have sex with a guy then you are just leading him on.

The OP isn't saying they'll never have sex. She's saying that she doesn't want to as soon as the men she has previously dated have wanted. Nobody is being led on, as she's not faking her intentions.

B.A._Baracus

themissymoo wrote: »

The OP isn't saying they'll never have sex. She's saying that she doesn't want to as soon as the men she has previously dated have wanted. Nobody is being led on, as she's not faking her intentions.

But what's the cut off point?
Whats the point that you got to keep your man interested?
Whats the point that a man will get turned off and move on?

The op does'nt give a time frame.

beks101

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

But what's the cut off point?
Whats the point that you got to keep your man interested?
Whats the point that a man will get turned off and move on?

The op does'nt give a time frame.

Until she feels comfortable perhaps? Until she's sufficiently emotionally engaged to have developed trust and affection for the fella, and is therefore aroused enough to have meaningful sex with him and not just another one night stand or roll around in the hay which will amount to being another notch on some lad's bed post.

Read the OP again. She quite clearly has a healthy sex drive. She just would like to take things at her pace, get to know some guy and like some guy a bit first before sex is introduced.

OP, I totally hear where you're coming from. I dated a lot when I was your age and I often found it disheartening how quickly a guy would jump to the sex part before I had even made up my mind about him. It always felt premature, it felt like we were skipping the butterflies and the build up and the 'does he doesn't he' and the getting-to-know-one-another which invariably makes sex better and more fulfilling for me. But I was young and often flattered by the attention and all too often I succumbed, only to feel a bit used after when they inevitably moved on.

Don't be afraid to assert yourself. Suit yourself on this one, even if it leads to a string of going-nowhere dates because the men you meet are too used to instant gratification.

On a practical level - like someone else said, I wouldn't even raise the topic when you've just met a guy. It sounds like you've already counted your chickens, it sounds a bit intense. Just always 'have to leave' at a certain time because you have work/an appointment/an early train to catch the next day. Don't allow it to get to the point where you could potentially go home together. Have a nice date and then make your excuses. Flirt if you like him, but draw the line. If the sexy talk/sexting is introduced five minutes after you've met: "that's a bit forward, isn't it?" If he invites himself home with you on the first/second date: "I've had a great night, but that's a bit soon for me".

Assert your boundaries. If they feck off, they feck off. I think with Tinder and online dating etc lads your age are probably used to getting their rocks off with very little effort and without bothering to get to know the woman in any meaningful way. It doesn't mean you have to succumb to that though, and I'd even say learning to assert yourself on this, regardless of the risk of men you like losing interest etc, will do wonders for your confidence and for dealing with other instances in the future where you need to know your mind and follow your instinct.

LegacyUser

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

But what's the cut off point?
Whats the point that you got to keep your man interested?
Whats the point that a man will get turned off and move on?

The op does'nt give a time frame.

Well of course I didn't give a time frame! If I had a set number of weeks/dates/whatever wouldn't that totally just be me playing games? I want to wait until I know the person, am comfortable around them, and know that they enjoy my company romantically as opposed to just sexually. Could be two dates, could be ten! Obviously though if it's been going on for a long time and I'm not ready, I'd just stop seeing them because I would expect to be comfortable after a few dates.

I'd also like to point out that I'm not saying I don't want to have any physical contact at all. Like I said I'd like to build up to it.

But I do worry that you're right. I slept with my ex on the first date, we were together for a year and half but I can't imagine he would have stuck round for those first couple of weeks/months if we weren't having sex.

OneOfThem

A few thoughts I suppose.

:You seem to be just making the assumption that if after a first date a guy doesn't want a second, or after a second doesn't want a third, that it's necessarily down to the fact you didn't sleep together. While I'm sure that is the case sometimes, it'd be wrong to assume that's always the reason. They may just not have felt you clicked, they may just like someone else they are dating more than you and decide to focus on them, they have simply felt no chemistry or spark between you, they may have not wanted a third date even of you'd slept together 5 times by the second. So I'd just be wary of defaulting to "Oh it's because we didn't have sex" when a third date doesn't materialise, may have nothing to do with it in many instances.

:You speak of "just wanting a deeper connection" which is perfectly understandable. But given the post that preceded it it almost sounds like you feel having sex would prevent a deeper connection forming. When the reality is sex is one of the most connection deepening things two people can do. If there's any spark of a connection there to begin with, sex is likely to cradle and combust that spark, not dampen it.

My advice would be to get away from this mindset where sex is definitely off the table for x amount of dates/time and just go with the flow. Yes sometimes men won't want a third date after you've slept with them, but as you've seen sometimes they won't want one if you haven't slept with them either. And yes some men would be put off by there being no sexual element to the burgeoning relationship they have with someone. It's the beginning of a potential sexual relationship, the sexual part is pretty key, so that's understandable. Doesn't mean all they are interested in is sex. Doesn't mean they weren't also interested in forming a deeper connection. But the sexual element is of course going to be one of the deciding factors in whether or not to pursue that possible relationship, without it people are being asked to make a decision without all the information required to do so. But no one is likely to be put of by there being a sexual element if there is genuine interest and a spark of a connection there to begin with - quite the opposite (providing the sexual element is as encouraging as the rest of what has sparked that connection, obviously).

So I think it would be best to put sex back on the table tbh. That doesn't mean you have to dive into bed with a guy as soon as he says hello, but it does mean not having it in your head that you're definitely not going to sleep with a guy x night or til x time or x other condition. If you feel like having sex with someone, do. It's only going to deepen any connection or interest someone feels with you, and it's not going to dampen any anyone feels for you. Your sexuality is a fundamental part of what will be any relationship you have with someone. Dating is essentially like a fun little movie trailor for the main show that's a relationship. By completely removing sex from the initial dating process you're basically showing people a trailer without including any shots from the big cool impressive action scenes. They're not getting an accurate picture of how awesome this blockbuster is going to be.

Just go with the flow.

Whitewinged

Old Jakey wrote: »

All men want sex. If you like a guy and want to keep him around you need to sleep with him. If you think you can go on dates and not have sex with a guy then you are just leading him on.

this advice is so wrong. Op wants sex but she also wants more than that and she is finding it hard to find someone on the same page.

Women who want to wait are often accussed of using sex as a weapon or leading him on and yet here we have someone advising op that in order to keep him around she has to have sex. The opposite advice but you could still argue that sex is being used as a weapon and that is not what op is saying. If op is looking for a serious relationship then she doesn't want a man that is just staying around to have sex.

Relationships and starting relationships are about taking risks.

The post above suggests that op should just have sex even if she's not feeling it to keep the guy. She has to take the risk on him but maybe op wants a guy to take a risk on her. For Him to opt out of going straight in for sex and get to know each other a bit first.

op I suggest that you keep going on dates and just try to enjoy them in the moment for what they are and do not have sex with anyone where you do not feel you want to. Eventually you will meet someone whose right for you.

PhiloCypher

Is it possible you're unfairly maligning these men who you haven't gotten a second date from OP, did they actually proposition you or were they just not into you.

Another question I would have is are these guys you have met online, because the online thing tends to accelerate expectations , over the course of a week you can go from polite conversation to playful banter to flirting to full on sexting. If you have been chatting fairly regularly in the week leading up to these dates and that was the progression then the fella might be in a totally different head space then you, only meeting you for the first time but it feeling like he has known you for longer. He then reads your stand offishness as you not being interested and drops contact due to wounded pride .

LegacyUser

OneOfThem wrote: »

:You speak of "just wanting a deeper connection" which is perfectly understandable. But given the post that preceded it it almost sounds like you feel having sex would prevent a deeper connection forming. When the reality is sex is one of the most connection deepening things two people can do. If there's any spark of a connection there to begin with, sex is likely to cradle and combust that spark, not dampen it.

I've quoted the above bit because I think it's interesting. For me sex has never really been anything with a romantic association. The cuddles and kissing, yes, because that normally only happens within a relationship but most of the sex I've ever had has been with people I didn't know all that well so it really didn't have anything to do a connection of any sort. It's fun, but it's not romantic. I feel like if I hold off on it a bit it might be more romantic instead of just adding another person to the list of people I've had a bit of fun with.

I do think anybody who's said I'm being unfair sort of "branding" these men is right. they probably just weren't interested.

panda100

Op, I can relate a lot to what you are saying.

For me, I have to get to know someone before I can sleep with them. It's not really anything to do with romance but I just get more turned on by someone when I've built up some type of connection with them. For me, it's probably because I find intelligence and shared interests and outlooks a lot more attractive than whether the guy is really hot (though that definitely helps too!).

I'm 32 so in a slightly different age bracket to you but I can't say I have experienced any difficulties in getting guys to wait until I feel comfortable enough to sleep with them. I think anyone who is not willing to do that obviously isn't really that interested unfortunately.

LegacyUser

I started online dating a while ago and I looked for advice from friends who'd done it before I signed up to anything. Their general consensus was to hold off on sex for as long as possible if I wanted to see them again but go for it otherwise. I also trawled the internet looking for online advice and as another poster here said, date 3 was the one to watch out for sexwise.

Armed with this knowledge I went ahead, discovered the amount of effort involved in pre meeting mails, whatsapps, texts etc. I discovered I don't like sexting lads I've never laid eyes on so this, I still don't do.

Meeting wise, I've met a good few guys now. A few I've slept with but lots I've met more than once and interestingly I've found it very different to what the OP experience is. With one guy we slept together after the 2nd date, met a few times more and it fizzled out, but it was me who stopped it.
I was seeing one guy for a few months and he was very slow to hit the sack. He explained that he didn't want it to mean nothing but I would have been happy to get down to it much sooner. The current guy I'm seeing is the same also. He seems like a very nice dude, very physical and affectionate but we haven't slept together as he said its not something he likes to rush. I would have been happy to. Again.
I feel almost like I'm more the stereotypical 'lad' (I'm female).

I suppose what I'm saying is that there's no formula, some guys I didn't want to see again, some didn't want to see me again- but I never ever felt it was down to anything sex related.

But all the ones I met more than 3/4 times, were guys I had been in touch with for a decent while before we ever met. In most cases a few weeks but for a couple of them it was more than a month as they were abroad for a while. The thing I find that works is to build a rapport before you meet them. You can have some really decent banter and it builds excitement. So you have plenty to chat about as you have all the initial questions out of the way, and you can settle into having the craic. But (in my case) no sexting.

People told me at the beginning that it was best to meet for a coffee asap- just to establish they are the people in the photos they post etc, but any guy I did that with I didn't really like. I don't find that way works.

Do it at your own pace:) It looks like mine is pretty fast but I don't mind, and I never held it against the guys for holding out on me:)

conor8989

owps wrote: »

Basically I'm a 25 year old woman and I enjoy dating and meeting new people but I would really like to hold off on having sex until I know someone well.
I find this incredibly difficult, modern dating seems to revolve so much around sex and I find men loose interest in me so quickly if I don't have sex. I have no problem with sex and have had plenty of casual sex but that's part of the problem; sex is no longer exciting to me. I like to go back to when I was younger and there was a build up to sex where as now i feel like it's all just straight down to business!
But I don't even know if it's possible to date without sex now. I have tried but if I've never managed to get past 2 dates before they lose interest. I've tried bringing it up with potential love interests two, just so they know that I'm not "playing games" or anything, I'd just like to know them a bit more but that seems to almost scare them off, as though I'm looking for some sort of major commitment. I also worry about coming across as a prude or old fashioned but I'm genuinely neither! I'd just like a deeper connection.
Does anyone else have similar problems or any advice? Thanks

well im a 38 single guy from cork city and i cant even get a date never mind sex lol it depends how long would you keep me waiting i think about 2 weeks that would be about 10 dates you should have a fair idea what someone is like by then

njs030

conor8989 wrote: »

well im a 38 single guy from cork city and i cant even get a date never mind sex lol it depends how long would you keep me waiting i think about 2 weeks that would be about 10 dates you should have a fair idea what someone is like by then

10 dates in 2 weeks? That's crazily intense! Did you mean 2 months?

Op do what you feel comfortable with, I agree if someone likes you they will wait a little while.

Meauldsegosha

conor8989 wrote: »

well im a 38 single guy from cork city and i cant even get a date never mind sex lol it depends how long would you keep me waiting i think about 2 weeks that would be about 10 dates you should have a fair idea what someone is like by then

10 dates in 2 weeks would be highly unusual. Most people wouldn't be able to give that kind of time commitment to someone they just met.

conor8989

notjustsweet wrote: »

10 dates in 2 weeks? That's crazily intense! Did you mean 2 months?

Op do what you feel comfortable with, I agree if someone likes you they will wait a little while.

maybe it is abit extreme 10 dates in two weeks but ten dates in two months thats like my daughters Taekwon-Doe classes and i barely know any parents names in the class

njs030

conor8989 wrote: »

maybe it is abit extreme 10 dates in two weeks but ten dates in two months thats like my daughters Taekwon-Doe classes and i barely know any parents names in the class

I assumed you'd made a typo as 10 dates in 14 days is a lot more than "abit extreme" not many people would have the time or inclination to meet someone they've just met almost every day!

conor8989

panda100 wrote: »

Op, I can relate a lot to what you are saying.

For me, I have to get to know someone before I can sleep with them. It's not really anything to do with romance but I just get more turned on by someone when I've built up some type of connection with them. For me, it's probably because I find intelligence and shared interests and outlooks a lot more attractive than whether the guy is really hot (though that definitely helps too!).

I'm 32 so in a slightly different age bracket to you but I can't say I have experienced any difficulties in getting guys to wait until I feel comfortable enough to sleep with them. I think anyone who is not willing to do that obviously isn't really that interested unfortunately.

yes but would you put a lenght of time on it

Augme

I definitely agree with the people telling you not to say anything about waiting for sex.

The early stages of dating and meeting people always involves trying to guess and predict what they are like. So when someone says "I want to hold off on sex, I don't like doing it until there is a deeper connection." you are putting the guy in position where he has to guess what you are like sexually.

A) Does this person have a high sex drive? Does she enjoy sex? Will she be the type who will want to do it every day?
or
Does she have a low sex drive and possibly a bit prudish?

Realistically most people are going to go for option B. Now this isn't alway correct, but when you are dealing with guessing then people will never get it right 100% of the time.

Also being told that someone wanted to wait awhile to have sex would be a bit of a passion killer. I'd find it harder to enjoy kissing them if I felt they weren't really enjoying it. Kissing should be a very enjoyable and arousing experience, if someone didn't feel the same and needed a deeper connection to feel that then it would make me far more tentative about kissing them after a date.

Whitewinged

Augme wrote: »

Also being told that someone wanted to wait awhile to have sex would be a bit of a passion killer. I'd find it harder to enjoy kissing them if I felt they weren't really enjoying it. Kissing should be a very enjoyable and arousing experience, if someone didn't feel the same and needed a deeper connection to feel that then it would make me far more tentative about kissing them after a date.

Op is saying that the casual or sex too soon is a passion killer for her though so are you suggesting she fake it for the guy?

I think that when words like "deep connection" are used, that people get confused with what that means when all it really means is getting to know someone and feel your on the same level moving in the same direction. It doesn't mean she wants to marry him next week. It just means she wants to go with the flow, not rush things and enjoy getting to know each other.

Personally Imo, men are more visual and it is easier for them to get turned on by someone quicker and women might need more of a build up to an attraction.

If the men that op is seeing are genuinely interested in a relationship and are getting freaked out by op saying she wants to wait or thinking of it as some forms of rejection then they are wrong. As when a woman is truly attracted and an attraction is allowed to build, the sex is much better for both people.

Dial Hard

conor8989 wrote:

maybe it is abit extreme 10 dates in two weeks but ten dates in two months thats like my daughters Taekwon-Doe classes and i barely know any parents names in the class

I really don't think there's any comparison to be made between the interaction between parents at their kids' martial arts classes and two people dating.

Augme

Whitewinged wrote: »

Op is saying that the casual or sex too soon is a passion killer for her though so are you suggesting she fake it for the guy?

I'm not suggesting she fake it. She'll have to figure out how best to deal with it. As I said, not saying she's wanting for sex is a good place to start.

Whitewinged wrote: »

Personally Imo, men are more visual and it is easier for them to get turned on by someone quicker and women might need more of a build up to an attraction.

If the men that op is seeing are genuinely interested in a relationship and are getting freaked out by op saying she wants to wait or thinking of it as some forms of rejection then they are wrong. As when a woman is truly attracted and an attraction is allowed to build, the sex is much better for both people.

Most women now a days are happy to have sex early on and don't need to wait. This is what makes it tricky for the OP, for guys dating someone who wants to wait until they have sex is a rarity.

Also, it's not necessarily a form of rejection. I'd consider it more of a incompatibility issue. I know plenty of women who can be very attracted to a guy early on and who will have those strong butterflies after a kiss. Those are the traits I'd rather have in a women rather than someone who needs feelings to develop.

I suppose the best thing to say to the OP is that when you are a bit pickier about what you want then it's going to be harder to find it. I think guys who are happy to wait for a connection to happen to have sex are going to be less common.

Whitewinged

Augme wrote: »

I'm not suggesting she fake it. She'll have to figure out how best to deal with it. As I said, not saying she's wanting for sex is a good place to start.





Most women now a days are happy to have sex early on and don't need to wait. This is what makes it tricky for the OP, for guys dating someone who wants to wait until they have sex is a rarity.

Also, it's not necessarily a form of rejection. I'd consider it more of a incompatibility issue. I know plenty of women who can be very attracted to a guy early on and who will have those strong butterflies after a kiss. Those are the traits I'd rather have in a women rather than someone who needs feelings to develop.

I suppose the best thing to say to the OP is that when you are a bit pickier about what you want then it's going to be harder to find it. I think guys who are happy to wait for a connection to happen to have sex are going to be less common.

You see the thing I see here is that people are making it sound like op saying that she wants to wait is something not to do like it's something to be ashamed of. Yet it's no problem for the guy she is on the date with to suggest or expect sex as it is apparently the norm in the above post. What is op to say if the topic comes up?It's as if people are saying Ops feelings or needs are less important than the guys because it's considered as not what "most women" do.

I mentioned the word "rejection" because it was suggested by another poster.

The incompatibility thing I don't know. Sex is great. It's amazing. But anyone who is genuine about getting into a relationship and hoping for it to last long term is going to have to understand how relationships work. In a relationship you need compatibility and non compatability. You need to get on. You need trust. Sex is the icing on the cake.

In long term relationships you get times where the sex is great and times were it's not so great. You get times were you feel like "who the hell is this person, didn't think he would do that, how exciting" and times when you think "god I wish he would change it up a bit". You get times were your more adventurous or more conservative. It all depends on what's going on in your life at the time and how well you are connecting with someone.

The first few dates may be like an interview for some people but if the guy is genuinely interested in a relationship with someone,he and she are going to have to realise the sex you have on the second/third date is not going to be the exact same throughout the relationship and not necessarily a sign of compatability. Also you can have a good idea if you will be compatible with someone in bed by their other traits and views.

And op don't be pressurised to be like "most women". Who wants to be like most women anyway. We all want to find that "rarity" that is right for us.

Augme

Whitewinged wrote: »

You see the thing I see here is that people are making it sound like op saying that she wants to wait is something not to do like it's something to be ashamed of. Yet it's no problem for the guy she is on the date with to suggest or expect sex as it is apparently the norm in the above post. What is op to say if the topic comes up?It's as if people are saying Ops feelings or needs are less important than the guys because it's considered as not what "most women" do.

It's not a case of something she shouldn't do. However she needs to realise by wanting something that is rare/less common, it will be harder for her to find a boyfriend. She needs to accept that. There's a reason she started this thread, because she's struggling to find a guy who is willing to wait.

My advice is for her to realise that dating is going to be harder for her when she is expecting a guy to wait.

Is it really that rare though for people not to sleep together after a handful of dates? The OP is saying she can't get past two dates which just seems like a crazy expectation on the part of the men involved. Unless of course sex is the only thing they're after.

I have lots of friends who would prefer to date someone for a month or two before sleeping with them, I would have thought that was pretty normal. Not that having sex sooner isn't, as long as it feels right, I've done both and I don't think either should be considered unusual. Depends on the people and the situation.

Silver Hulk

Im a 21 year old guy and worry about the same thing. I think sex should be kept for two people in love at the earliest. I worry girls may lose interest.
OP don't compromise whatever you do. If he's not prepared to wait for you then he's not the one for you. All the best.

Whitewinged

Augme wrote: »

It's not a case of something she shouldn't do. However she needs to realise by wanting something that is rare/less common, it will be harder for her to find a boyfriend. She needs to accept that. There's a reason she started this thread, because she's struggling to find a guy who is willing to wait.

My advice is for her to realise that dating is going to be harder for her when she is expecting a guy to wait.

I don't think it would be that rare for a man who knows what he is looking for (and I don't mean op) I mean if he is really looking for a serious relationship with a woman, to understand that you dont have to rush in. Otherwise he is going to be cutting out a lot of possibly great relationships by rushing the woman into feeling she should be having sex rather than waiting until she genuinely wants to.

If a lot of men are thinking as you said agume then i just don't want op to get the wrong impression and think that her wanting to wait is wrong or abnormal in any way as she has already mentioned feeling like people will think she is a prude for this when this is not the reason she wants to wait.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

I'm not suggesting she fake it. She'll have to figure out how best to deal with it. As I said, not saying she's wanting for sex is a good place to start.





Most women now a days are happy to have sex early on and don't need to wait. This is what makes it tricky for the OP, for guys dating someone who wants to wait until they have sex is a rarity.

Also, it's not necessarily a form of rejection. I'd consider it more of a incompatibility issue. I know plenty of women who can be very attracted to a guy early on and who will have those strong butterflies after a kiss. Those are the traits I'd rather have in a women rather than someone who needs feelings to develop.

I suppose the best thing to say to the OP is that when you are a bit pickier about what you want then it's going to be harder to find it. I think guys who are happy to wait for a connection to happen to have sex are going to be less common.

I think you are missing what I meant by connection but I think you have point anyway. I expect there to be a spark, I expect there to be butterflies after the first date (after the first 30 mins of a date really). And I really like kissing. But a spark and butterflies don't actually mean anything. He could still be a douche bag or...I don't know anything. I just want to feel like I know him and trust him. And like I mentioned before I want the butterflies to grow. Now it's a case of we want to have sex so we have sex, and it's fine but awkward. I want it to be more like we want to have sex so we kiss and maybe touch or whatever until eventually we want it so much we practically rip each others clothes off and already have at least some idea of what each of us likes (because we've touched and talked etc.). Also, that's a big thing; I'd like be comfortable enough with someone to talk about sexual turn-on/offs before getting naked.

But like I said, I see your point. It is just a case that I'll have to accept that I'm being a bit picky and making my life more difficult. I think I was just frustrated and needed to see if I was being completely unreasonable, which is what it feels like.

zeffabelli

Serious or not serious, isn't some anticipation and build up going to create a charge? Unless you just want a subsitute for your hand for the night, isn't this an effective move?

Augme

owps wrote: »

I think you are missing what I meant by connection but I think you have point anyway. I expect there to be a spark, I expect there to be butterflies after the first date (after the first 30 mins of a date really). And I really like kissing. But a spark and butterflies don't actually mean anything. He could still be a douche bag or...I don't know anything. I just want to feel like I know him and trust him. And like I mentioned before I want the butterflies to grow. Now it's a case of we want to have sex so we have sex, and it's fine but awkward. I want it to be more like we want to have sex so we kiss and maybe touch or whatever until eventually we want it so much we practically rip each others clothes off and already have at least some idea of what each of us likes (because we've touched and talked etc.). Also, that's a big thing; I'd like be comfortable enough with someone to talk about sexual turn-on/offs before getting naked.

But like I said, I see your point. It is just a case that I'll have to accept that I'm being a bit picky and making my life more difficult. I think I was just frustrated and needed to see if I was being completely unreasonable, which is what it feels like.

I'd recommend joining sports clubs, social clubs or stuff on meetup. That will give you a chance to meet guys and get to know them without the pressure of dating/sex creeping in.

OneOfThem

zeffabelli wrote: »

Serious or not serious, isn't some anticipation and build up going to create a charge? Unless you just want a subsitute for your hand for the night, isn't this an effective move?

It sure can. But sometimes that charge builds, then it passes and it dissipates, and then it's gone.