Uninterested Grandad

greengirl31

Hi Folks, I’m looking for a little perspective here … I’m a single parent but I have my childcare sorted so thankfully I don’t have to rely on family to look after my 8 year old when I’m working. I would be quite independent so only really ask family to help out when I’m absolutely stuck which is once in a blue moon that I have to stay late in work. Like most parents, I don’t get out much either which is fine. Normally, if I know it’s going to be a late night, my sister will take my daughter for a sleepover and I’ll do the same for her and that all works out fine – No problems there. My issue is with my dad. He lives around the corner from me and on the very rare occasion I go out during the week, I’d ask him to babysit. If I am going out during the week, it’s usually a work thing or I’d be meeting friends for dinner. It involves him picking my daughter up from her crèche which is less than 5 mins from our house at about 6, bringing her back to my house, giving her something small to eat which i’ll have ready. She usually goes to bed around 7.30 and she can get ready for bed by herself. Then he has the rest of the evening to himself which he spends watching tv and I’m always home by midnight and he strolls home about 100M. I will point out that mid week nights out are very, very rare and usually not at all during school terms. So this on Sunday I asked him if he would babysit for me on Thursday – above scenario – and you’d swear I’d asked him for €1000 !! He made me feel like it was a huge imposition and he told me that he had nothing planned for Thursday at the moment!! And then reluctantly agreed to do it. This isn’t the first time that he’s made me feel like it’s a huge burden and usually I just ignore it but this time it really upset me for some reason He’s not elderly or infirm so I don’t feel that could be an issue. I don’t feel like I take advantage of him and I don’t ask him for much. I’m not saying his life should revolve around me or his granddaughter or that he should drop everything when I say so but I wouldn’t have thought spending an hour or two with his granddaughter would be such a chore for him. Am I being unreasonable ??

Wright

Depends on how you asked him to be honest. Broach the subject like he's doing you a huge favour not how you've diminished what he has to do in this post.

seamus

Just because he has nothing planned for Thursday, doesn't mean he wants to have anything planned.

I understand that you say it's rare you ask for him to help out, but at the same time I am getting a hint from you that you think it's OK to expect him to help out if he's not doing anything else.

Maybe this is why he's a bit irked?

Neyite

He doesn't want to babysit, but he sounds like he feels that he cant refuse when you ask. Whether his reasons are valid to you or not, or whether you feel that as a grandparent he should be spending time with his grandchild or not, he is entitled to not want to do something for someone if he doesn't want to.

Why would you ask someone who evidently doesn't want to do it? Just ask someone else.

baby and crumble

Have you thought that maybe he feels uncomfortable being on his own in the house with a young child? I'm not trying to be creepy, but I know my Dad would never agree to it, simply because of the impression a lot of society has about stuff like that. Even when I was a kid, and my Dad would take me camping, he'd always make sure to pitch the tent right by the campground office, and be very "visible" if you know what I mean? I recently told me that he used to feel very uncomfortable in case someone thought he was being gross, and that's with his own daughter! That made me really sad, that he felt like that. I'm just wondering if that might have something to do with it? It's irrational, but it may be in his head.

Plus if he's of a certain generation (not saying he is) but maybe he had very little to do with his own kids when they were that age, and wouldn't know where to start with your daughter? Again, I have a feeling my Dad would be a bit like that if any of his kids had children. Not that he wouldn't want to do it, but maybe he's at a loss?

orthsquel

You're making it a bigger deal than it is. It's perfectly OK for him to say no and you need to convey that to him, rather than have him feel like he has to say yes, even when he doesn't want to do it. Even though he has nothing planned for Thursday, it is an imposition because it restricts his options of what he can and can't do, prevents him from making his own plans, even if his own plans is simply pottering around the house.

tbh I would take it as a strong signal to not ask him in the future. I would have the impression that he doesn't want to be asked for whatever reason to babysit, even perhaps to maintain your independence and not to rely on him as first point of call to babysit, or an emergency babysitter when you can't find someone else.

Perhaps it is time that for the occasional night out you start looking into babysitters around locally, details of which you can find perhaps around your local shops or by asking around.

MintyMagnum

Do they socialise much together anyway, or just when she needs minding? Is he invited to your place much, included on trips out etc?

greengirl31

Thank you so far for your replies … perhaps I am expecting too much

He pop’s in a couple of times a week for a cuppa and a chat and every month or so, I’ll invite him around for dinner so we see quite a bit of him and it’s not like only talk to him when I’m looking for something. I don’t like to impose on anyone and really do only ask him as a last resort. I accept that he may not want to do it and the that he can’t make plans for Thursday now but it’s once in a blue moon. And that’s the part I’m struggling with. We’re family we’re supposed to help each other out. I do plenty for him and I’m not keeping track either but sitting in my house rather than his I wouldn’t have though would be a big deal. I don’t think I’m being pushy either – I’d ask him if he had nothing else on would he mind babysitting for me - I have never asked him to change plans and if he says he has something else on that’s fine. But yes I do expect him to help out if he’s not doing anything else – that’s what families do isn’t it. My sisters don’t live as close as my Dad but usually one of them will babysit if it’s at the weekend. As I said, it’s rare that there’s a mid-week outing.

I think I’m just hurt because I’ve never had a problem with any of the things he asks of me

baby and crumble

greengirl31 wrote: »

sitting in my house rather than his I wouldn’t have though would be a big deal.

To be fair though, it's not just sitting in another persons house. It's being responsible for a young child. You might not see it as a big deal but for lots of people, it would be a lot of responsibility.

greengirl31 wrote: »

But yes I do expect him to help out if he’s not doing anything else – that’s what families do isn’t it.

Not necessarily. I mean, yes, to a certain extent but I'll be honest if what I wanted to do seemed like "doing nothing" to someone else, and it was assumed I'd just drop everything and do something for them, I'd be a bit miffed.

njs030

I think your attitude of "thats what families do" might be part of the problem. You chose to have a child and its your responsibility to bring her up and make sacrifices, not your dad's -maybe curtailing weekday activities might be the best idea.

Have you suggested he mind your child in his own house? Again when you're asking for a favour you might need to adjust your expectations- I know when my child was younger she always had to stay at someones house if I wanted her to be minded and I think that's fairly normal.

seamus

greengirl31 wrote: »

But yes I do expect him to help out if he’s not doing anything else – that’s what families do isn’t it.

Not necessarily. It's still a favour at the end of the day. Being family doesn't impose any obligations on him.

You say he's not elderly or infirm. So he works, right? So in reality, like anyone, he cherishes the time he gets at home to relax after work.

A lot of people make this mistake of assuming that relaxing is "doing nothing" and therefore it's rude to not offer that time up to help someone out. But he shouldn't have to. There's nothing wrong with being selfish and sitting at home taking it easy.

Helping you means that he now has a full day on Thursday and in realistic terms he won't get to relax in his own home at all on Thursday. Sure, he might be sitting in yours on the couch watching TV once the child is in bed. But he's not at home. His stuff is at home. The things he wants to do are at home.

So while babysitting may not be intensive from a physical perspective, but from a mental and emotional perspective he's not going to have the chance to disconnect and unwind at all on Thursday.

Remember that he's doing you a favour. No less than if a friend was doing the same thing, you should be equally grateful for him having given up that time, and respect what he's really telling you - that imposing an expectation on him is unfair. Give him as much notice as you can and be grateful. Maybe when he agrees to babysit, make an effort to buy in a decent dinner for him, and a couple of his favourite beers or something?

Taltos

OP - just to put this in perspective.
When my siblings had kids the first thing my mum said after congratulating them was "... I've raised you all and I will always here here as the grandmother but never ask me to babysit!"

They did though, and were always refused. Always!

Some people having raised their own children just cannot face being responsible for another child even for a few hours.
I know one of two of my siblings railed at this for a while but soon got over themselves, mum still spoiled the kids rotten when they came to visit - but that was the key, it was always just a visit, and she was always the happier to chat about the visits but could relax without worrying what each of the little ones were doing. I'm not kidding, here, we even had one occasion where one of my sisters half way through the visit got up to "run to the shops for a minute" - mum called her back and "suggested" she go on her way home and if that was right there and then she'd see her next week...

orthsquel

greengirl31 wrote: »

but it’s once in a blue moon. And that’s the part I’m struggling with. We’re family we’re supposed to help each other out. I do plenty for him and I’m not keeping track either but sitting in my house rather than his I wouldn’t have though would be a big deal.

greengirl31 wrote: »

But yes I do expect him to help out if he’s not doing anything else – that’s what families do isn’t it.

Yes but it is having an expectation that because he lives around the corner, it's once in a blue moon, it's literally 5 minutes away for him to sit in your house (not his house, not his things, not his stuff, his chair, his stuff in general) and that is what families do is the issue here. Just because he lives right next door or even if it were 15 mins driving away doesn't mean you can expect him to be there; just because you do stuff he asks of you, or that you willingly do for him, can't justify him being willing to do this for you... and just because it's a rare occasion doesn't make it something that he should be willing to do... equally so that just because you are family that he has any obligation to provide a once in a blue moon babysitting service that is 5 minutes around the corner.

notjustsweet wrote: »

I think your attitude of "thats what families do" might be part of the problem. You chose to have a child and its your responsibility to bring her up and make sacrifices, not your dad's -maybe curtailing weekday activities might be the best idea.

+1 on this, he could see it that if it were for something like a part time evening course, grand he'd do it. But a night out socially, with work in the morning, a kid who is close to going back to school.... that could be to him abdicating your own responsibilities and expecting him to pick up after you. Now it may not seem like that at all to you, but that could be exactly how he sees it... and he may not want to be encouraging you to go out on a week night to enjoy yourself (perhaps with drink) when really you ought to be at home with your child as that is where your responsibilities lie.

I think really if you want to go out socially, even on the rare occasion, you arrange for a babysitter.

Dial Hard

Tbh, OP, I can kind of see where he's coming from. I'm child-free by choice and live with my sister who's child-free by circumstance. The other three siblings in the family all have children.

I have felt on occasion that there is a definite presumption there that my sister and I are fair game as babysitters because we've "nothing better to do". It's not a frequent thing but it's definitely there and tbh, it really irks me because, as I've said, I'm child-free by choice. I love my nieces and nephews but at the the end of the day, if I wanted to mind kids I'd have had my own. Your dad may feel similarly - that his child-rearing days are done. There's also the possibility that he was a reluctant parent the first time around and now he feels like he has to do it all over again.

I know you said you only ask once in a blue moon, but even that can feel like an imposition to someone who is perfectly happy with their child-free life.

Maybe just get a babysitter instead and stop relying on your dad who, for whatever reason, clearly isn't that keen on minding your daughter.

Neyite

Dial Hard wrote: »

I have felt on occasion that there is a definite presumption there that my sister and I are fair game as babysitters because we've "nothing better to do".

I see this with my OH's sister - she is always getting booked to babysit by her siblings - its always assumed that she'd be available and willing, sure what else would she be doing?? In actual fact, she's in a pretty demanding job and probably the last thing she wants is to spend the weekend being responsible for little ones, even if she dotes on them. She has babysat for us exactly once -and that was because she offered off her own bat, and we were very appreciative.

I've also never asked my mother to babysit for us because I feel that she's done her child-rearing, her retirement is her time now and she can pick and choose how much or little time she wants to spend with her grand-kids.

iusedtoknow

I'm child free but have 5 siblings that have kids (a grand total of 15 nephews/nieces) . Whenever we visit, one of the things I tend to do is take the kids out for a day/evening and let the parents have time for themselves. However, there is never an expectation of this to happen - it's something I offer, and that they gratefully accept - however there was one time we visited just after my wife had miscarried where I didn't. My sister didn't say a thing. There was no expectation. In fact, my sister and wife went out for dinner together, while myself and the brother in law went out to watch a soccer game while his sister watched the kids.

One of my siblings lives close to my Mam and Dad, and they have baby sat 4 times in the childrens lives. They see each other all the time, but my parents are kept busy and sometimes are just out themselves at the cinema or theater and sometimes are traveling for months on end - they raised 6 kids and my dad worked 70 hours a week for decades as a doctor - they're allowed a bit of them time now that they're retired.

You say that your father should be happy to do it, as it's just an hour etc - it isn't...it's his whole Thursday, as he's in someone else's house and has to be responsible for a child. You say he has nothing planned for Thursday. Me neither, my nothing planned is to cook up a big juicy steak, sit at home - read a book, FaceTime with my wife and read a bit. That is my "nothing" but I need it to decompress. Another thing that you said was that you're sisters would ask him to babysit at the weekends - so that could in theory be a midweek night AND sometime at the weekend.

You may need to work more with your sister's to organize mid-week sleepovers if you're wanting to head out just out of a sense of fairness to your dad.

greengirl31

Thank you all again for your replies …. It would appear I am expecting a bit too much ….

Just to clarify though, I have never asked him to change plans for me, nor would I ever. I am grateful to him (and my sisters) when they babysit and am happy to return the favour (obviously not babysitting in my dad’s case but other things). And I do realise that he is doing me a favour but maybe I don’t convey that properly. Me or my sisters don’t ask him to babysit often because I do realise it’s an imposition and it’s a big ask. There are only 3 grandchildren and my daughter is the youngest at 8 so while I know there’s still a huge responsibility attached, it’s not as hard work as looking after toddlers which I would never have asked him. I also do appreciate that people need to chill out in the evenings and all that but I just thought that if someone was stuck you’d help them out.

Thanks you again for your replies …

CaraMay

I agree with you op. Families do favours for each other but it seeks he's happy for you to help him out but not vice verse. I wouldn't be impressed

Del2005

You and your sisters help each other out when necessary and you ask your dad as a last resort. Maybe ask him first sometimes to see if he's available and say not an issue if you can't I can ask my sister.
As said even though he's willing to babysit a bottle of his favourite tipple every once in a would be nice, most people don't expect payment for helping out family but really appreciate getting a little treat for doing it.

baby and crumble

greengirl31 wrote: »

I also do appreciate that people need to chill out in the evenings and all that but I just thought that if someone was stuck you’d help them out.

The thing is though, I wouldn't see wanting to go out during the week for a session as "being stuck"- not like having to work late or bring someone else to hospital, for example. If you want to go out then just factor the cost of a babysitter in. It'll obviously save more aggro than asking your Dad, and everyone is happy. Might mean a few less drinks for you, but those are the break when you have kids I'm afraid.

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

The thing is though, I wouldn't see wanting to go out during the week for a session as "being stuck"- not like having to work late or bring someone else to hospital, for example. If you want to go out then just factor the cost of a babysitter in. It'll obviously save more aggro than asking your Dad, and everyone is happy. Might mean a few less drinks for you, but those are the break when you have kids I'm afraid.

I'm meeting old friends for dinner after work... I'll be home at 11 ... It's hardly a session!! And we've been trying to organize a weekend night for about 3 months and just couldn't unfortunately. Given the choice I'd always pick a weekend night.

I go out maybe once every two months and usually at the weekend. I only ask my dad as a last resort because he makes me feel like I'm asking him for a kidney. I don't mind that he doesn't want to babysit but I do mind that he won't do me a favor on the very rare occasion that I ask..

greengirl31

baby and crumble wrote: »

The thing is though, I wouldn't see wanting to go out during the week for a session as "being stuck"- not like having to work late or bring someone else to hospital, for example. If you want to go out then just factor the cost of a babysitter in. It'll obviously save more aggro than asking your Dad, and everyone is happy. Might mean a few less drinks for you, but those are the break when you have kids I'm afraid.

I'm meeting old friends for dinner after work... I'll be home at 11 ... It's hardly a session!! And we've been trying to organize a weekend night for about 3 months and just couldn't unfortunately. Given the choice I'd always pick a weekend night.

I go out maybe once every two months and usually at the weekend. I only ask my dad as a last resort because he makes me feel like I'm asking him for a kidney. I don't mind that he doesn't want to babysit but I do mind that he won't do me a favor on the very rare occasion that I ask for a favor. .....
So I suppose that's why it's upset me .... It's not what I asked him but how he responded

baby and crumble

I think you just have to understand that he doesn't want to do it, has told you that, and won't change.

He's an adult, just like you are, and can say yes or no to any request. Why would you keep asking him to do something if he so plainly does not want to do it? Just because he's related to you?

Maybe the reason he acts in a harsh way is because you don't seem to have absorbed the message.

LegacyUser

Greengirl I feel your pain. My father lives alone and I would say I have been very good to him. I've never been the sort who looks for anything back in return - that's not the sort of person I am. Then I had reason to ask him for help. It wasn't anything major I was asking of him. To steal your phrase - he acted like he had just been asked to donate a kidney.

I was very angry and hurt but it taught me a bitter lesson. I have never asked him for help since that day and won't be doing that again unless I have no other options. Families aren't there for each other in the way you think they are.

greengirl31

baby and crumble wrote: »

I think you just have to understand that he doesn't want to do it, has told you that, and won't change.

He's an adult, just like you are, and can say yes or no to any request. Why would you keep asking him to do something if he so plainly does not want to do it? Just because he's related to you?

Maybe the reason he acts in a harsh way is because you don't seem to have absorbed the message.

Yes because he's related to me .... He's my dad... We all do things for family that we're not over the moon about but we do them anyway.... Not all the time but the odd time. I don't think it's an unreasonable request but obviously he doesn't think so

I've got it the message now that's for sure 😟

athtrasna

greengirl31 have you posted about this before? I'm getting an awfully strong feeling of deja vu?

I find some older people get set into their routines and may not react with glee to being asked to change theirs. I wouldn't read too much into it, particularly if he lives alone. Change isn't always welcome.

WearstheFoxhat

Some grandparents just don't have an interest, they forget that someday they will have to be looked after maybe

Dial Hard

WearstheFoxhat wrote:

Some grandparents just don't have an interest, they forget that someday they will have to be looked after maybe

Not by their grandkids.

The man has raised his children. If he doesn't want to mind his grandkids too then that's entirely his prerogative.

WearstheFoxhat

Yes, but the parents need minding by their kids when their older, just pop them into a nursing home and say "I'm busy for the rest of my life"

Cannot fathom how family don't help each other, pure selfishness, little apples will grow

ibarelycare

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. I don't think it's too much to expect family members to help each other out every once in a while. We have to take what she says at face value, it sounds like it's something she only asks every few months. I personally think it's understandable that she's a little upset about the situation...and fwiw I don't have children, don't want children, and don't particularly like children! I have 5 nieces and nephews and am asked to babysit every so often. It's not my favourite thing in the world to do by any means, but I do it because I love them, and I love my brother and sister and their partners, and I like to be able to help them out when I can cos they help me out when they can in other ways. A bit of give and take in families isn't too much to ask for.

OP what's the relationship like between your dad and your daughter? Do they have a bond?

greengirl31

athtrasna wrote: »

greengirl31 have you posted about this before? I'm getting an awfully strong feeling of deja vu?

No not that I recalled.... Maybe it was one of my sisters 😆😆

WearstheFoxhat

Dial Hard wrote:

Not by their grandkids.

Dial Hard wrote:

The man has raised his children. If he doesn't want to mind his grandkids too then that's entirely his prerogative.

If I was a gambling man I'd say you're not married and don't have children

greengirl31

ibarelycare wrote: »

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. I don't think it's too much to expect family members to help each other out every once in a while. We have to take what she says at face value, it sounds like it's something she only asks every few months. I personally think it's understandable that she's a little upset about the situation...and fwiw I don't have children, don't want children, and don't particularly like children! I have 5 nieces and nephews and am asked to babysit every so often. It's not my favourite thing in the world to do by any means, but I do it because I love them, and I love my brother and sister and their partners, and I like to be able to help them out when I can cos they help me out when they can in other ways. A bit of give and take in families isn't too much to ask for.

OP what's the relationship like between your dad and your daughter? Do they have a bond?

Well we see quite a bit of him cause he lives so close and they get on well enough.... He's always telling her how good she is or she's a great singer or dancer - that kind of thing. He'd never pop in to take her to the playground or anything

ibarelycare

greengirl31 wrote: »

Well we see quite a bit of him cause he lives so close and they get on well enough.... He's always telling her how good she is or she's a great singer or dancer - that kind of thing. He'd never pop in to take her to the playground or anything

I think you should talk to him about it. Bring it up casually in a non-confrontational way, like over a cup of tea. Ask him straight out if it's a problem and if he'd prefer for you not to ask him any more.

Dial Hard

greengirl31 wrote:

He'd never pop in to take her to the playground or anything

I mentioned in my first post that he might well have been a reluctant parent the first time around. If this is the case (I'm not saying it is), it's not necessarily a given that he'll magically morph into a doting grandad just because there's a generation removed. It can and does happen, absolutely. But it's not a given and I do wonder if that's a contributory factor here.

greengirl31

Dial Hard wrote: »

I mentioned in my first post that he might well have been a reluctant parent the first time around. If this is the case (I'm not saying it is), it's not necessarily a given that he'll magically morph into a doting grandad just because there's a generation removed. It can and does happen, absolutely. But it's not a given and I do wonder if that's a contributory factor here.

No he's definitely not the doting grandad and I've accepted that ... I think my issue is more that he doesn't want to help me rather than he doesn't want to spend time with my daughter.
I'm going to talk to him though .... I need to see what his take is on the situation

Neyite

greengirl31 wrote: »

No he's definitely not the doting grandad and I've accepted that ... I think my issue is more that he doesn't want to help me rather than he doesn't want to spend time with my daughter.
I'm going to talk to him though .... I need to see what his take is on the situation

I was thinking about this while making dinner earlier - I remember all the times I, as the single kid sister, took my siblings broods off their hands for a weekend so they could relax and get a break - I'd say once every few months I did it for them and my child is now three, and I've yet to get an offer to babysit back. How quickly they forget

It sucks that he is an uninvolved grandad, and it sucks that he isn't willing to help you out back considering all that you do for him. You don't sound like you depend on him too much which is good, but in your shoes, I'd never ask him again. I'd value my pride too much.

Was he a hands on dad with you all? I'm wondering if its that he just doesn't know what to do when minding a child - some older men have never had to lift a finger with their kids so wondered if he might be one of them? Or do you think that maybe he is somehow just disapproving of you going out once in a while and making it known that way?

LegacyUser

greengirl31 wrote: »

Well we see quite a bit of him cause he lives so close and they get on well enough.... He's always telling her how good she is or she's a great singer or dancer - that kind of thing. He'd never pop in to take her to the playground or anything

I don't have kids, and don't want to. I think I've always known that. But this post struck me - I'd be like that with nieces/nephews. I'm happy to play with them for a limited amount of time, to remember what they like/dislike, and to praise them re school or when they're showing me something. That's my limit though.

I would not be happy to mind them on my own. It's not that I dislike them, I just wouldn't feel at all comfortable, and tbh it's not something I would ever agree to unless disaster struck, like either parent being in hospital. You might say that's mean-minded, and while I can sort of see where you'd be coming from, I just really wouldn't feel comfortable at all though. And if I'm being really honest, I don't see why I should have to do something that I'm really uncomfortable with so that someone could go for a few drinks or a meal.

I do realise how that'll read to a lot of other posters, and let's face it, it's just as well I don't have kids if I think like that! But maybe because I think like that is why I've never wanted kids. So I can totally understand your dads POV. Obviously I don't know why he has this view - maybe a generational thing, maybe because he wasn't a very involved dad (and v few were, back in the day), maybe he feels uncomfortable like I do.

In short, I don't think it's fair to keep asking him to do something that he clearly doesn't want to (however infrequently). I think you have to respect his wishes. If you feel that as a consequence, you don't feel able to help him out, well then so be it. But I would say that if it's something that doesn't cause you to feel uncomfortable, then it would be a little mean to 'retaliate' (deliberately in inverted commas there - I don't mean that you'd be doing that out of spite).

Muir

A couple of things from my own experience of being the (auntie) babysitter:
My dad would have always been more than happy to look after his grandchildren, but recently we had my niece for the day. A major tantrum took place and he wouldn't mind her again after what happened. So could there be some reason or something that has happened that might make your dad reluctant to babysit that maybe you aren't aware of?

Another thing is that I have found recently that members of my family have started expecting me to babysit. I never say no when anyone is stuck but the past few weeks I am being told I am babysitting rather than asked, and not only with babysitting but a few other things where the same people are expecting a lot of favours and my patience is wearing a bit thin with them all at the moment as a result. So be careful about how you ask. You do sound like you expect him to babysit because that's what families do, and I understand that but if the way you come across with that here comes across like that to him he might be feeling a bit unappreciated. Maybe get him a card or a treat just to show him you do appreciate his help, sometimes that goes a long way.

greengirl31

My Dad wouldn't have been of the generation where he never changed a nappy. Now that's not to say he was very hands on as my mum was the one that stayed at home but he would have done the bed-time and bath time routines and been around at weekends etc so i'm not sure the generational thing is at play here.

Maybe he feels like he's done his stint with kids and doesn't want to do that any more and if that's the case i wish he'd just spit it out and say that ... Yes i'd be a little bit wounded but i'd prefer a direct answer than to the guilt trip.

So I suppose in general, I have to adjust my expectations. I would always be of the opinion that you helped family out from time to time and would have expected a little give and take. He has a different view to me obviously and I think it's something i need to have a chat with him about.

Thank you again for the replies ... It's been very enlightening :-)

FluffyAngel

I think my issue is more that he doesn't want to help me rather than he doesn't want to spend time with my daughter.

he has helped you to raise your child by ensuring that you were given love ,values and ethics..

part of the problem is that your his child asking him to mind your child..

maggiepip

I see an awful lot of posters here who seem to think that your father is entitled to not want to do you the favour of very, very, occasionally babysitting his grandchild. I dont believe for a second the majority would extend the same level of tolerance if it were their father behaving this way. OP from what you've said , the fact you very rarely ask him to babysit, the fact that you do a lot of favours for him etc., if it were me I'd be pretty hurt and annoyed by his attitude.

baby and crumble

maggiepip wrote: »

I dont believe for a second the majority would extend the same level of tolerance if it were their father behaving this way.

My Dad, for example, has been very clear that if and when any of us decide to have children, he will not be babysitting. Ever. He will be happy to spend time with the Grandkids, bring them out on photography trips etc when they're actually DOING something, but only when they are able to look after themselves pretty much, and only when it 100% suits him. And I'm completely fine with that, he's been very honest from day one with us about stuff like that. And the way I look at it, that's completely fine. We all know what he's like, and he's been very clear. It's only when you keep trying the same thing expecting different results is it a problem.

I've never understood why anyone thinks it's ok to assume someone will do something for free, for you, just because you happen to share a bloodline. It's a very strange way of working, although I will admit my family is often seen as quite "odd" because of that opinion that we all share. Don't get me wrong, I'll often help friends and family out but as soon as I think it's expected of me, forget it. You're on your own.

Neyite

maggiepip wrote: »

I see an awful lot of posters here who seem to think that your father is entitled to not want to do you the favour of very, very, occasionally babysitting his grandchild. I dont believe for a second the majority would extend the same level of tolerance if it were their father behaving this way. OP from what you've said , the fact you very rarely ask him to babysit, the fact that you do a lot of favours for him etc., if it were me I'd be pretty hurt and annoyed by his attitude.

I do extend that tolerant view to my own family and my own child. My parents have never babysat - because I've never asked them and because they have never offered. And I'm fine with that - there is a loving grandparent relationship there regardless, and they spoil him rotten, and he cant move for clothes that my mother 'just had to get' in the sales.

My MIL has babysat once. And that was because my BIL came in and suggested we all go to the local and she insisted that I go too. Again, I never asked, and she willingly offered. They have also a very close relationship with their grandchild.

Other family members have babysat rarely, but they have offered as opposed to me asking them. I'd never ask someone who was reluctant.

I do agree that it's frustrating when you give so much help and favours to someone and get passive aggressive sighs and reluctance in return when you need help, but then it's up to you to decide to do something about it or not - to keep providing help on a one way system or not.

maggiepip

If I had kids (which I don't), I would not ever ask my mother to babysit for the simple reason that she wouldn't be up to it, it would shatter her neves. Im aware of this and it would in no way upset me because these are the circumstances. As for grandparents being upfront and saying they'll never babysit, thats fine too, they are communicating properly about a situation they would not be comfortable in.
In the OPs case her fathers reaction to being asked to babysit (very rarely), appears to be a very disgruntled reaction to a request of a small favour. I am taking this situation in the context of what the OP has told us. She (the op) comes across as a very fair person who it seems is very good to her father and in no way comes across as somebody who is in anyway taking advantage. So in the context of the posts I believe her father is acting selfishly, which is hurtful. If her father has a deep seated fear of babysitting, or theres more to this than appears, then he should communicate this to his daughter respectfully.

WearstheFoxhat

Simple

Non Babysitting grandparents = selfish people

If you go back to their time you will find they have been selfish and not maternal or paternal during their lives. It's as if minding kids is a chore or like raising their own kids got in the way of them living their lives

Speaking from experience

baby and crumble

WearstheFoxhat wrote: »

Simple

Non Babysitting grandparents = selfish people

If you go back to their time you will find they have been selfish and not maternal or paternal during their lives. It's as if minding kids is a chore or like raising their own kids got in the way of them living their lives

Speaking from experience

Wow, that's an amazingly entitled view. Do you extend that to uncles and aunts who won't babysit?

Grandparents have done the raising, why should they be bullied into doing it again at the age of 60 or 70 just because their children decided to have children of their own who they can't seem bothered to pay for a babysitter?

And tbh children do get in the way of living your life. Ok, it's usually a choice, but I reckon if you asked the majority of parents, they will tell you that at least once they would be happy to roll back the clock just a little. Not saying many parent would outright admit to regretting having their children full stop, but some would, I believe, if they were being honest.

If not, why do people want to leave and go out, necessitating the babysitter?

OP, I'm not trying to have go at you, and yes if your Dad is constantly asking for favours, and then not paying you back for them in any other way, fair enough, that's crappy behaviour. But if he doesn't ask, and you're doing all this stuff for him and expecting it to be repaid the way YOU want it to be repaid (ie in babysitting, regardless of how often it is) then you're setting yourself up.

WearstheFoxhat

If a grandparent doesn't want to mind grandkids, that's their choice, but they are of a selfish disposition, simple

fed up sick and tired

greengirl31 wrote: »

... I think my issue is more that he doesn't want to help me rather than he doesn't want to spend time with my daughter.

You should clarify these things in your mind.

Your thread title is 'Uninterested Grandad' which carries a certain judgement about it. Would get the sympathy of strangers, I suppose...

possibly a more serious allegation than you realise.

fed up sick and tired

WearstheFoxhat wrote: »

If a grandparent doesn't want to mind grandkids, that's their choice, but their of a selfish disposition, simple

And good for them. Done their bit.

We can only hope that the idea of saying no to children will filter down. I sometimes wonder.

Greenduck

OP I would see no problem in your sitting down with him and having a heart to heart about this. Older people are set in their ways and sometimes don't see the bigger picture or how much this is hurting you.

I can gather from your post that its not just the babysitting but the general lack of interest in having a relationship with your daughter. Ask him out straight what his concerns are in relation to minding her? Is the hassle/worry/stress/time that is the issue? Tell him you would like them to be closer and spend more time together in and outside of babysitting. I don't think you would be out of order in saying that - especially if it is how you feel.

I also think people on here are being very harsh. People are different, some like kids, some don't, some don't mind babysitting, some dont. However there is nothing at all wrong for wanting your parent and your child to have a bond and relationship. I think most people would want that for their child. A grandparent/grandchild relationship is one of the most special out there!