Engaged situation

BOFaolain

Hi,

Firstly may I state how crazy I understand this post may appear and that I am fully aware of how inadequate I may potentially be as a human being. However....

To give some background I am an Irish citizen born and raised in London. I have always associated more closely with Irish culture and am proud of where I come from. I am engaged to be married to an English girl, we have around a month until our wedding to put into perspective how close our nuptials are. I love this girl completely, we met at University around 6 years ago in Oxford and have been together relatively happily ever since. We have our ups and downs as all couples do, but on the whole things have been good and I genuinely love her.

I have always had an underlying issue with losing my identity, it sounds pathetic I know as identity is what you make of it however living away from Ireland this has always concerned me. Cultural or national identity should not impact the way you conduct a relationship however on a subconscious level I guess I always thought I would marry an Irish girl and this would not matter. When my partner came along this did not concern me initially, though the more serious things got the more this alarmed me. Nevertheless I love her dearly and we became engaged last year.

I recently spent a week back in Ireland with some close friends, where we had a fantastic time. The big issue (if you can call it that) came when I met a beautiful Irish girl who I had so much in common with. Our upbringing was so similar and we could relate on so many levels that my fiancé and I could not. This may seem silly but I was able to connect and relate with her on a level that my partner and I could not and it further compounded the feeling that my current life direction is not completely in line with what I want. I spent the night with this girl (did not sleep with her albeit) and after that was able to take her to place I cherish dearly from my childhood. The West of Ireland is a magical place and perhaps sentiment took over my logical thought process however in that moment we spoke about life ambitions and values (which we shared) and things really seemed to click and make sense.

The problem is I am obviously engaged to be married and have no idea whether the girl in question is even interested in anything more than the night and day we shared. The question I have would be whether what I am feeling is more to do with some identity issue or whether the connection I had with this girl is something far more meaningful. I should say that my partners family and mine share very different values and are very different and I fear this will become more of an issue as time passes by.

I understand how terrible a person I am, I really don't want to hurt my fiancé who I really do love dearly. However by entering into marriage I cannot guarantee I won't be unhappy and do something to hurt her later on in our marriage. I also cannot get this girl out of my head and aware this could be natural interest however I genuinely want to get to know this girl more, she excites and intrigues me more than some instant infatuation.

Effectively I would greatly appreciate some advice on my situation and accept all negative comments, I truly understand how I have wronged however I don't want to hurt anyone further.

Thanks in advance.

Is there anything stopping you and your soon-to-be-wife from moving to Ireland? Would it be something she'd be interested in?

drunkmonkey

When you say you might run into differences with your girlfriend in the future I'm assuming it's more than an Irish catholic/English protestant thing, there's a completely different religion/culture involved which might have some culture clashes for example over christenings, what faith to raise the kids etc. If those are real fears you need to thrash them out now rather than a big surprise in a few years.

As for the girl you spent 24hrs with, all I can say is the grass is always greener and if you really love your girlfriend take it for what it was, a good time with a stranger, enjoy you had the experience but move on from it...we've another 2 million girls here you haven't met yet.

Celly Smunt

Not being rude but you sound like an American tourist who thinks Ireland is still the land of shamrocks where the rivers run free with Guinness.

What happened was you had a good weekend in a place you love and met a woman who you connect with. You are living in the clouds after going home and just need to get back down to earth.

BOFaolain

It's a possibility though I don't think she would be happy to do it, she is quite happy with her life in the UK and although we don't live on her parents doorstep I don't think she would move more than a couple hours drive away from them and be happy. The other issue is work, I could relatively easily find work back in Ireland though I'm unsure she would find it as easily.

Thidp

Try everything you can to forget this Irish girl... just like someone who is trying to forget a person that can't have. Delete her from everything, don't make contact, stay busy, give more attention to your girl, etc etc...

In a few weeks, if you feel the same way, well... then you have a problem. But my guess is that you will look back and think that you almost ruined a long and good relationship because of something that was not worth it

BOFaolain

Christ you've knocked me down to size with the comparison with being an American tourist. Believe me I don't view Ireland though completely rose tinted glasses, I'm acutely aware of the numerous issues going on in the country though I appreciate the straight talking.

3DataModem

As my father once told me "someday you'll meet the perfect girl, beautiful, intelligent, empathic, and she gets you. Just remember there's a short stocky bespeckled dullard somewhere who's relieved he doesn't need to put up with her **** anymore"

Celly Smunt

BOFaolain wrote: »

Christ you've knocked me down to size with the comparison with being an American tourist. Believe me I don't view Ireland though completely rose tinted glasses, I'm acutely aware of the numerous issues going on in the country though I appreciate the straight talking.

Welcome to Ireland! Nah but in seriousness I didn't mean it as a dig, just sort of a representation of what it seems if that makes sense. It's not a bad thing and I'm not saying you don't know what it's like here or anything of the sorts,I'm just trying to hammer home that the grass isn't greener and you should reflect on what you have, a woman who is mad enough about you to give you the rest of her life rather than a woman you don't really know.

If you really love it here maybe suggest it to your current partner about something to aim for jn years to come, the response may suprise you. We aren't a million miles away

BOFaolain

BOFaolain wrote: »

Christ you've knocked me down to size with the comparison with being an American tourist. Believe me I don't view Ireland though completely rose tinted glasses, I'm acutely aware of the numerous issues going on in the country though I appreciate the straight talking.

It's sort of true though - you had a lovely time with some lovely people, but, like you said, you've zero idea if there's anything there with this girl you met - so are you really sure that it is worth risking a lifetime with someone you love, someone you obviously do want to spend the rest of your life with, for someone you don't know?

BOFaolain

The cultural differences aren't religious as we are both Catholic, it's more what both our family's expect from life and what they accept in terms of how we live our lives.

Completely agree I should completely forget this girl though it's proving more difficult than expected. Maybe I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic, probably I'm just an arsehole, either way I need to sort my **** out!

Celly Smunt

BOFaolain wrote: »

The cultural differences aren't religious as we are both Catholic, it's more what both our family's expect from life and what they accept in terms of how we live our lives.

Completely agree I should completely forget this girl though it's proving more difficult than expected. Maybe I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic, probably I'm just an arsehole, either way I need to sort my **** out!

You have to look at it from this view now also. You're starting a family with your wife now to make your values and what you both expect. Who gives a **** about her parents and I'd say the same to her, live your lives the way you both enjoy, of course there's going to be compromise but that's what makes your new combined values in the first place.

In a nutshell, forget everyone else and look to your wife to be.

zoe 3619

You're not a terrible person.you have done nothing wrong,and you can't help how you feel.
If you're not 1000 percent sure about committing to your fiance,then don't do it.the little minor nagging doubts that seem small at the beginning are the things that grow big over time.
Think hard,and marry her if you truly want to,but don't marry her because you have a band booked etc and it would be hard to back out.this is supposed to be a lifetime commitment,and if you're not sure about it(and you wouldn't be asking if you were),better to confront the situation before you marry,rather than after.

BOFaolain

Celly Smunt wrote: »

Welcome to Ireland! Nah but in seriousness I didn't mean it as a dig, just sort of a representation of what it seems if that makes sense. It's not a bad thing and I'm not saying you don't know what it's like here or anything of the sorts,I'm just trying to hammer home that the grass isn't greener and you should reflect on what you have, a woman who is mad enough about you to give you the rest of her life rather than a woman you don't really know.

If you really love it here maybe suggest it to your current partner about something to aim for jn years to come, the response may suprise you. We aren't a million miles away

No of course, €15 flights London to Kerry, God Bless Mr O'Leary and his lads. In all seriousness I understand how mad it sounds, on the one hand I have a girl who genuinely loves me and on the other I have no idea about in reality. My heads just in a bit of a crazy place which is why I appreciate talking to the point, the grass is always greener, it's just we have particularly green grass!

Isn't it relatively normal to have pre-wedding doubts and jitters?

drunkmonkey

Relax your like every man that was facing impending doom, a good helping of pints with whiskey chasers is called for and cry that kerry woman away.
Have a happy marriage.

Celly Smunt

BOFaolain wrote: »

No of course, €15 flights London to Kerry, God Bless Mr O'Leary and his lads. In all seriousness I understand how mad it sounds, on the one hand I have a girl who genuinely loves me and on the other I have no idea about in reality. My heads just in a bit of a crazy place which is why I appreciate talking to the point, the grass is always greener, it's just we have particularly green grass!

I genuinely get you, I was in the same position with a German Fraulin a few years ago and it was the best thing I ever did moving over and everything else, unfortunately it didn't work out but that's life, we still talk and who knows about the future.

You need to ask yourself a big question as to whether you will be ultimately happy with who you're going to marry, if that answer needs pondering then its probably not the best for her or you to go through with marrying her, but keep in mind it could just be a ln issue of cold feet that you could end up kicking yourself over for the rest of your life if you decide not to marry this woman.

BOFaolain

zoe 3619 wrote: »

You're not a terrible person.you have done nothing wrong,and you can't help how you feel.
If you're not 1000 percent sure about committing to your fiance,then don't do it.the little minor nagging doubts that seem small at the beginning are the things that grow big over time.
Think hard,and marry her if you truly want to,but don't marry her because you have a band booked etc and it would be hard to back out.this is supposed to be a lifetime commitment,and if you're not sure about it(and you wouldn't be asking if you were),better to confront the situation before you marry,rather than after.

I guess this plays on my mind. We've committed a hell of a lot to this wedding both financially but more importantly emotionally. Furthermore my family love her and I'd hate to hurt them. At the crux of it I really don't want to hurt her as I really do love her, I also fear I am a bit of a coward and will hurt her at a later date. Maybe that's my answer, and I'm afraid to act now, the girl in question might have just opened up some feelings that were underlying. She was lovely though!

BOFaolain

drunkmonkey wrote: »

Relax your like every man that was facing impending doom, a good helping of pints with whiskey chasers is called for and cry that kerry woman away.
Have a happy marriage.

I won't turn down the pints and chasers, only trouble is this girl was from Kildare and we know what Daniel O'Connell said about Kildare girls!

BOFaolain

Thidp wrote: »

Try everything you can to forget this Irish girl... just like someone who is trying to forget a person that can't have. Delete her from everything, don't make contact, stay busy, give more attention to your girl, etc etc...

In a few weeks, if you feel the same way, well... then you have a problem. But my guess is that you will look back and think that you almost ruined a long and good relationship because of something that was not worth it

I really want to contact her more though I hope you are right and that time will be a healer. Time is the concern though and that I don't have much time to rectify a mistake.

BOFaolain

Celly Smunt wrote: »

I genuinely get you, I was in the same position with a German Fraulin a few years ago and it was the best thing I ever did moving over and everything else, unfortunately it didn't work out but that's life, we still talk and who knows about the future.

You need to ask yourself a big question as to whether you will be ultimately happy with who you're going to marry, if that answer needs pondering then its probably not the best for her or you to go through with marrying her, but keep in mind it could just be a ln issue of cold feet that you could end up kicking yourself over for the rest of your life if you decide not to marry this woman.

Cold feet is an issue, I won't lie and say there haven't been doubts all along though. The trouble as I've said is hurting my fiancé, I really don't want to do that now or at a later date. Time to put the big boy pants on I'd say.

zoe 3619

BOFaolain wrote: »

I guess this plays on my mind. We've committed a hell of a lot to this wedding both financially but more importantly emotionally. Furthermore my family love her and I'd hate to hurt them. At the crux of it I really don't want to hurt her as I really do love her, I also fear I am a bit of a coward and will hurt her at a later date. Maybe that's my answer, and I'm afraid to act now, the girl in question might have just opened up some feelings that were underlying. She was lovely though!

You would be doing both yourself and her a huge disservice if you married her because you've committed yourselves financially to a wedding,or because you're fond of each others families.
It should be about the two of you,and how you feel.anything other than that is fairly irrelevant.no criticism intended,but at a month before your wedding, you should be too much in love to even notice other women.otherwise,there's something wrong.
If you love her,then you're doing her no favours putting a ring on her finger.you're setting the two of you up for a miserable time a year or two later.talk to her/sort it out/be brave and cancel or postpone the wedding.
Don't brush it under the carpet.it won't get better.it will get worse.

BOFaolain

zoe 3619 wrote: »

You would be doing both yourself and her a huge disservice if you married her because you've committed yourselves financially to a wedding,or because you're fond of each others families.
It should be about the two of you,and how you feel.anything other than that is fairly irrelevant.no criticism intended,but at a month before your wedding, you should be too much in love to even notice other women.otherwise,there's something wrong.
If you love her,then you're doing her no favours putting a ring on her finger.you're setting the two of you up for a miserable time a year or two later.talk to her/sort it out/be brave and cancel or postpone the wedding.
Don't brush it under the carpet.it won't get better.it will get worse.

You're right I shouldn't even be considering other girls and I know that, regardless of who they are or how we connected, such a thing shouldn't happen. Thank you for the advice it's much appreciated.

zoe 3619

BOFaolain wrote: »

You're right I shouldn't even be considering other girls and I know that, regardless of who they are or how we connected, such a thing shouldn't happen. Thank you for the advice it's much appreciated.

Wishing you so much luck with this,but to me really sounds like you're not truly committed.I know you love your fiance,but think long and hard about what your promising her if you stand up and make those vows.
You're absolutely not at fault for falling for someone else.no one can help how they feel.
Think about her though as well if you love her.I would hate for someone to marry me if they were feeling what you're feeling.

BOFaolain

zoe 3619 wrote: »

Wishing you so much luck with this,but to me really sounds like you're not truly committed.I know you love your fiance,but think long and hard about what your promising her if you stand up and make those vows.
You're absolutely not at fault for falling for someone else.no one can help how they feel.
Think about her though as well if you love her.I would hate for someone to marry me if they were feeling what you're feeling.

Thank you again. The girl in question as great as she was could well be a pipe dream, she may not think anything more of things, she was a genuinely nice person though and I'm confident she wouldn't want to break anything up. At the same time there could be something there. It's got the old brain working and if I'm feeling this doubt now will it go away? I've a decision to make and quickly and it needs to be made in the proper way.

zoe 3619

Maybe the girl in question has moved on.maybe you'll never see her again(or maybe you will).maybe everytime yourself and the mrs argue,you'll be thinking what if.. maybe you'll meet a girl(irish or not)in the queue at tescos tommorow and feel a spark..
As I see it,it's not really about culture or nationality.it's about yourself and the fiance,and about whether you can commit yourself totally for(theoretically) the rest of your lives.I suspect you can't do that 100 percent.

LegacyUser

I was with someone I loved for years. Have to admit that we both - and mainly me - ruined it through complacency, and **** communication. Still, there was so much there. So much in common, and so much love that was just lost in the end. We blew it through stupidity.

He met someone else towards the end. He didn't physically cheat, but may as well have done really - he had disengaged from me, and a month after he dumped me, she was going to see him for the weekend. So the lack of physical cheating meant very little, when I realised that there was someone waiting in the wings. I'm just telling you this so that you can see it from your GFs side. We weren't engaged, but it had been talked about in the very near future.

Many years on, he now tells me that it was stupid, and he doesn't know why he's still with the person who caught his eye at the time, and the lack of stuff in common (mainly being able to laugh at the same things, but also shared values) is killing him. It killed me at the time - even though I do know I was not blameless in the staleness of our relationship, and (much as I hate to admit it) other people appealing to him more than me.

We haven't met up. And I dont think we ever will. But sometimes, maybe when I'm feeling low, I think Fk, what a waste. We really could've made each other happy, had we both been honest / communicated properly. I think we both wasted what we had, and i retreated into myself, and he looked elsewhere. A lot of 'far away fields'. And now neither of us are happy - and I won't tell you how many years later it is.

The reason I said all that is because in my life, I've not put enough effort in to keep what could've been a fantastic relationship going. And the consequences were - and still sometimes feel - pretty life shattering. I don't think I'm entirely to blame for it, but I really truly wish that I'd tried harder and copped the hell on more, and didn't take things for granted. The 'he' in my life reacted the other way; finding a new very different person. And that lasted maybe 3 years for him. Now he's trying to figure out how to leave her, and why he & I didn't work. Not because he thinks that he & I will work out (I don't even think that's on his radar), but because he knows he jumped into the 'excitement' and forgot reality, and he never thought about how they'd actually live together day to day.

That's a lot longer than I meant it to be! I guess my point is to work on what you have, if it feel that it's good; and be careful of what you jump towards, without really knowing that it's good and solid. But please don't settle though, that'll destroy you & anyone you're with. I wish that me & my guy had really talked. I think we cldve made it something really good. But we drifted, and didn't put any work into it, and then he fell for the easy irresistible 'solution' of someone new & exciting. And now we're both messed up. I still find it hard to trust, and he's full of regret and all sorts of legal calculations about leaving the person he fell for.

I'm not trying to tell you that you're being wrong or foolish, I am saying that you should really think about it strongly though, and the long term impacts. Do you even know this other girl at all? Is she really just a symptom of how you aren't fulfilled in your current relationship? Can you put the effort in to restore your relationship back to what it once was?

Colser

Tell your fiancee what you did with another girl on your trip to Ireland and see if she still wants to marry you. Its her I feel sorry for in all of this.You say youve always had doubts so why are you even considering getting married?I think you are being very unfair to her and it sound way more than just wedding jitters to me tbh.

CaraMay

BOFaolain wrote: »

I guess this plays on my mind. We've committed a hell of a lot to this wedding both financially but more importantly emotionally. Furthermore my family love her and I'd hate to hurt them. At the crux of it I really don't want to hurt her as I really do love her, I also fear I am a bit of a coward and will hurt her at a later date. Maybe that's my answer, and I'm afraid to act now, the girl in question might have just opened up some feelings that were underlying. She was lovely though!

This is the problem and this is the stuff of divorce and affairs.

Your alarm bells are ringing and you are ignoring them as you don't want to hurt the girl. Every think you are hurting her by marrying her when you don't want her 100%?!?!?!? What you are doing is incredibly selfish. On too of that you've humiliated her by spending the night with this girl and surely your friends have an idea what's happened. No one will believe ye just talked so you now have close friends, who are going to your wedding (?) and think you cheated on your fiancée.

Your head is being turned because you aren't fully committed now talk to your fiancée and give her the opportunity to talk this out with you. People fall out of love, that's the risk we take but I would lose all reason if I knew someone married me while having the doubts you are.

Stop patronizing the girl and talk to her about all of this.

As for the nationality issue, you may feel Irish but IMHO you are English. Identity has more to do with environment than genetics. You clicked with that girl because you were on holidays, are having doubts about your relationship and not because she's irish.

Jotunheim

The cultural identity angle is a total nonsense here, whatever doubts you have about your relationship they have nothing to do with where anyone comes from. I suggest you put that put of your head and address the real issues before you commit to a marriage that your behaviour is expressing doubts about.

stickyfinger

Most people have doubts before any major life decision whether it's a wedding or moving abroad or changing career or buying a house etc. I'd be more worried that you've already decided that you'll probably cheat on your fiancé in the future by making excuses for yourself that you are a coward and can't help yourself.

If you don't want to get married or are having such major doubts then have a chat to your fiancé about what happened. You sound like you are full of excuses about things that are supposedly beyond your control. You haven't mentioned anything that is really out of your control, you'll click with loads of women you meet throughout your life no matter who you are with but you don't have to act on them, everyone has different values it doesn't mean you have to change your own, but at the end of the day stop choosing to be a coward and make a decision independent of a fantasy life with a fantasy Irish woman.

fits

Jotunheim wrote: »

The cultural identity angle is a total nonsense here, .

It actually isnt you know. Sharing common goals and experiences and values is a lot about the culture you were raised in. Its not insurmountable by any means but it does count.

OP in my opinion you should forget the other girl for now and think long and hard about whether you should be getting married next month to your fiance.

coolcat63

Colser wrote: »

Tell your fiancee what you did with another girl on your trip to Ireland and see if she still wants to marry you. Its her I feel sorry for in all of this.You say youve always had doubts so why are you even considering getting married?I think you are being very unfair to her and it sound way more than just wedding jitters to me tbh.

This x 1 million. You cheated emotionally if not physically on the woman you are due to marry within weeks. She deserves to know and you should at the very least put the wedding on hold until you BOTH decide if the relationship can survive.

Ann84

BOFaolain wrote: »

Hi,

The big issue (if you can call it that) came when I met a beautiful Irish girl who I had so much in common with. Our upbringing was so similar and we could relate on so many levels that my fiancé and I could not. This may seem silly but I was able to connect and relate with her on a level that my partner and I could not and it further compounded the feeling that my current life direction is not completely in line with what I want. I spent the night with this girl (did not sleep with her albeit)

however in that moment we spoke about life ambitions and values (which we shared) and things really seemed to click and make sense.

i should say that my partners family and mine share very different values and are very different and I fear this will become more of an issue as time passes

by entering into marriage I cannot guarantee I won't be unhappy and do something to hurt her later on in our marriage. I also cannot get this girl out of my head and aware this could be natural interest however I genuinely want to get to know this girl more, she excites and intrigues me more than some instant infatuation.

This is absolutely the BIG Issue - you shouldn't marry someone you firmly believe you have different life ambitions and values to... That's nuts and an awful way to treat someone you 'love'

If you have realised yourself and your fiancée are not a good match, it's your responsibility to save you both more heartache... Next will be kids, and they will suffer the consequences of your inability to be honest.

I don't think the other girl matters in any other way than highlighting the incompatibilities you have with your fiancée. I'd forget her, end your current relationship and move on with your life then. You have a messy breakup to deal with but honestly if my fiancée even hinted at the inconpatabiliities you describe id run!
It's normal to have doubts, doubts about getting married, whether it's possible
To be with one person forever, doubts about the concept of marriage... But you shouldn't have doubts about your partner or the fundamentals of your relationship!!!

Tigger99

I had similar doubts before I ended my engagement. I didn't do anything inappropriate with someone else but had feelings for another person that I knew signalled how much my relationship wasn't right for me and how much doubts I had.

This Irish notion is a distraction. You have cold feet. Whether you can move past them or not is up to you.

You keep saying how much you love her, but it sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself. Also the excuse that your /her family would be upset is very telling to me. This went around my head so so much. Were both of our families upset after the breakup? Absolutely. But a lot less upset than if they were faced with a breakup after marriage and maybe children. And I know that divorce would have been inevitable for me had I gone ahead with the marriage.

You need to put aside everything else and think about if this is cold feet or something more serious.

orthsquel

The girl you met really has nothing to do with anything, except that meeting her has highlighted issues that have been simmering away, that have long been swept under the carpet years ago and left not dealt with.

You mention values of both your families..... but not your fiancee's? Not your own? You talk about your Irish connection with the Irish identity and culture... met some randomer who shares that - but what aspects of Irish identity and culture are you referring to? Are those aspects something that are relative in any culture, or solely based on an individual's interest? Are you also afraid that in marrying "an English girl" that you are giving up your Irish identity?

You're very speculative about what your fiancee wants from life.... surely ambitions, shared life goals, values is something you ought to have discussed?? You make it sound like that just because she comes from a background that she automatically has the same values that she was raised in - this may not be true, she may have questioned them at some point, rejected or accepted them. But you come across as not actually knowing what values etc she has, except emphasising that your families are different with different cultures and values.

tbh I think you really need to sit down and talk to your fiancee, talk about your values and goals and check that you are on the same page with eachother. I think where you see an obstacle for the future is the practicality of living with assumed different values and should you start a family - surely this is also something you should be discussing with your fiancee in any case?

BOFaolain

Tigger99 wrote: »

I had similar doubts before I ended my engagement. I didn't do anything inappropriate with someone else but had feelings for another person that I knew signalled how much my relationship wasn't right for me and how much doubts I had.

This Irish notion is a distraction. You have cold feet. Whether you can move past them or not is up to you.

You keep saying how much you love her, but it sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself. Also the excuse that your /her family would be upset is very telling to me. This went around my head so so much. Were both of our families upset after the breakup? Absolutely. But a lot less upset than if they were faced with a breakup after marriage and maybe children. And I know that divorce would have been inevitable for me had I gone ahead with the marriage.

You need to put aside everything else and think about if this is cold feet or something more serious.

I think the thing I'm struggling with is exactly this, trying to differentiate between cold feet and genuine concerns. I can see there being problems between us later on, though this would be the case in any relationship. Are these problems exaggerated at the moment considering the big day is drawing close. I understand the Irish notion is a distraction and that the other girl acted as a further distraction. But in her I saw what I suppose I always thought I'd have, which I understand is naive. I don't have long to think about this though I understand what everyone is saying and I am incredibly selfish, the one person I don't want to hurt is my fiancé though and I mean that genuinely. The trouble is I may be hurting her either way.

BOFaolain

orthsquel wrote: »

The girl you met really has nothing to do with anything, except that meeting her has highlighted issues that have been simmering away, that have long been swept under the carpet years ago and left not dealt with.

You mention values of both your families..... but not your fiancee's? Not your own? You talk about your Irish connection with the Irish identity and culture... met some randomer who shares that - but what aspects of Irish identity and culture are you referring to? Are those aspects something that are relative in any culture, or solely based on an individual's interest? Are you also afraid that in marrying "an English girl" that you are giving up your Irish identity?

You're very speculative about what your fiancee wants from life.... surely ambitions, shared life goals, values is something you ought to have discussed?? You make it sound like that just because she comes from a background that she automatically has the same values that she was raised in - this may not be true, she may have questioned them at some point, rejected or accepted them. But you come across as not actually knowing what values etc she has, except emphasising that your families are different with different cultures and values.

tbh I think you really need to sit down and talk to your fiancee, talk about your values and goals and check that you are on the same page with eachother. I think where you see an obstacle for the future is the practicality of living with assumed different values and should you start a family - surely this is also something you should be discussing with your fiancee in any case?

Your point on marrying an English girl and the thought that I'm losing my identity has crossed my mind which is ridiculous, nevertheless I'm not going to lie and say the thought hasn't surfaced. It would also be a ridiculous thing to break a good relationship up over.

My fiancé grew up quite privileged and very expecting, I am an ambitious person but have always been worried that she wants me to be her father and that its just a transition over from her fathers home to mine. I already financially support her but am concerned I can't quite provide her with what she wants both emotionally and financially. This is a conversation I suppose I should be having with her though.

Magicmatilda

fits wrote: »

It actually isnt you know. Sharing common goals and experiences and values is a lot about the culture you were raised in.

But that's the thing the OP and his fiancee were raised in the same culture. They both went through the English Education system, engaged with English Media, had English friends etc...

I can't honestly understand what values could be that different, that might not be different with an Irish person raised in ireland? Family is important to most English people I know, Education is important, Travel is important (these are all things that are important to me as an Irsh person)

This dream of marrying and "Irish" girl is a bit strange in my opinion, all Irish girls are different and can have wildly different values, I have English friends whose values are far more aligned to mine than some of my Irish friends.

I think you are just making excuses for cheating. I think you are being unfair on your Fiancee. This Irish girl you met who had the same values as you, did they include being with a man who is engaged? or did you tell her? To be honest cheating and dishonesty are values that I consider extremely distasteful and I am not sure that is anything to do with where I am from.

mapaca

Did you do a pre-marriage course OP? Did any of these issues come up then?

Taboola

Magicmatilda wrote: »

This dream of marrying and "Irish" girl is a bit strange in my opinion, all Irish girls are different and can have wildly different values, I have English friends whose values are far more aligned to mine than some of my Irish friends.

I'm finding it hard to understand this as well. What values are you talking about OP? I don't think there is a huge amount of difference culturally between Irish and English people.

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I think you are just making excuses for cheating. I think you are being unfair on your Fiancee. This Irish girl you met who had the same values as you, did they include being with a man who is engaged? or did you tell her? To be honest cheating and dishonesty are values that I consider extremely distasteful and I am not sure that is anything to do with where I am from.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here magicmatilda. I think using this excuse of 'we've got values in common because we are both Irish' is a complete cop out.

It sounds like something I heard when I was a kid "I'm going to marry a man with red hair because we'll have something in common."

LegacyUser

OP - it might be helpful to think back to when you asked your gf to marry you and the thoughts that went on in your head before you asked (or she may have asked you).
If you proposed to her, did the proposal come from a place in your heart where you knew 99.9% that this was the woman who was going to make you happy through arguments, fights, good times, bad times - that this was the woman who no matter what, you wanted to be with for the rest of your life?
If your gf proposed to you - did you get a slightly sinking feeling when she asked but said Yes because you have been together so long, love each other and it's the next step forward?

If you got the sinking feeling or the above reasons for why you proposed to your gf don't ring true - I think, as others have suggested, that the Irish colleen is simply highlighting reasons you are doubting your relationship with your gf.
The fact that you state you forsee your marriage being in trouble is a huge pointer to not get married.

If your heritage is all Irish (generations of Irish until your parents moved to London and that's where you happened to be born) then I agree there is an 'Irish feeling' you can connect with in Irish people which you can't in most English people (I'm of a similar background). You got an insight into that connection with your Kildare girl. If that's what made your heart sing, then hopeless romantic or not, you do have issues which need resolving.

From what has been written here, I don't think it's just a case of cold feet, I think you've had your doubts all along and now they're just screaming to be acted upon.
Your posts don't really describe a real, true love marriage ideally should be borne from, you actually seem a bit lukewarm about the love for your gf.
You love her, but maybe not deeply enough for a marriage to survive?

Best of luck to you, and think back to your feelings at the time of the proposal.

BOFaolain

Magicmatilda wrote: »

But that's the thing the OP and his fiancee were raised in the same culture. They both went through the English Education system, engaged with English Media, had English friends etc...

I can't honestly understand what values could be that different, that might not be different with an Irish person raised in ireland? Family is important to most English people I know, Education is important, Travel is important (these are all things that are important to me as an Irsh person)

This dream of marrying and "Irish" girl is a bit strange in my opinion, all Irish girls are different and can have wildly different values, I have English friends whose values are far more aligned to mine than some of my Irish friends.

I think you are just making excuses for cheating. I think you are being unfair on your Fiancee. This Irish girl you met who had the same values as you, did they include being with a man who is engaged? or did you tell her? To be honest cheating and dishonesty are values that I consider extremely distasteful and I am not sure that is anything to do with where I am from.

Growing up in a very Irish area of London, you knew which way you sided from an early age. Even at school where things were more mixed we were always known as the Irish kids, I do believe there is quite a cultural difference between the 2 countries. I take your point on secondary socialisation though in terms of media and friends etc.

The dream of marrying an Irish girl maybe seems a bit ridiculous, I would never limit myself there, I merely enjoyed an ideal I suppose.

Everything else I agree with you on, maybe I am trying to rationalise what I've done and almost excuse it.

ElleEm

The bravest thing you can do here is back away from the wedding. You say you have always had some doubts, your values are different, you are allowing yourself to get close to another girl, she expects you to step in to "daddy" role, etc. Everything you are saying here sounds like reasons to not be with her.

You said you love her and don't want to hurt her but think about it the other way. Imagine she was having all of these doubts about you and found herself having a crush on a man, yet she marries you as she doesn't want to hurt you. Would you live happily ever after with her knowing this? It is unfair to enter into a marriage knowing all of what you know.

orthsquel

BOFaolain wrote: »

My fiancé grew up quite privileged and very expecting, I am an ambitious person but have always been worried that she wants me to be her father and that its just a transition over from her fathers home to mine. I already financially support her but am concerned I can't quite provide her with what she wants both emotionally and financially. This is a conversation I suppose I should be having with her though.

I think it is a conversation worth having. You need to know what her expectations in a marriage are, both of you do of eachother, and need to know what roles each of you is going to play. If I get what you're saying... You seem to be under the impression that you are going to be a financial provider to her, perhaps the sole bread winner and that she lives as "a kept wife" where she is wholly financially dependent on you with or without children and with or without the reference of being a house wife. You need to know if this is the case or not and what her actual expectations are and if she does want to work and be financially independent and contribute financially or not as part of a family unit, when married and when with children.

Has she ambition? Has she worked and earned independently, or was she always financially taken care of by her father? Has she paid her way or split bills with whatever income she has throughout your relationship? If you have been financially supporting her for a few years now, do you want to continue doing so? Or do you feel she should be contributing financially and both of you working towards shared financial goals and financial responsibility? Has she herself indicated a desire to earn her own income, rather than be financially dependent upon someone else?

Yeah completely remove the thought of Irish people or ideals or anything else - can you see yourself being happily married with this person?

Colser

Im really surprised at the empathy being given to the OP. Theres a huge difference imo between pre wedding jitters and the doubts that he is having(and has always had according to himself).
OP your fiancee was English when you got engaged to her so I cant see how thats an issue now.I dont buy any of the culture differences or English/Irish stuff tbh.Bottom line from what I can see is that you do not want to marry her(and thats entirely ok) but you havent the guts to back out of it.Do yourself and her a huge favour and back out now.It Will hurt her without a doubt but it will be so much better for her in the long run.
You have already cheated on her(which is the big issue in my eyes) and then then you say that you had so much in common with/connected with the Irish girl..really?..sure you only met her for a few hours. Im sure she may also lose her attraction if you had to do the mundane day to day things that you do with your fiancee.
You seem to be pussy footing around the whole issue and I think you know what you have to do but youre unsure if you have the balls/guts/strength to do it.

Bigus

I hang around sometimes with a whole family of middle aged brothers who came from Hackney born and bred in UK , but with irish parents, all three are living (separately but in the same rural village)here years now having emigrated 20 years plus to here , they ain't ever going back to the UK , happy as pigs in shíté.

bee06

BOFaolain wrote: »

My fiancé grew up quite privileged and very expecting, I am an ambitious person but have always been worried that she wants me to be her father and that its just a transition over from her fathers home to mine. I already financially support her but am concerned I can't quite provide her with what she wants both emotionally and financially. This is a conversation I suppose I should be having with her though.

OP, do you not think the issue is her specific upbringing and your perceptions of her expectations for your future life? This is definitely something you need to discuss.

dellas1979

I think people (friendship/relationships/good people/****ty people) come into other people's lives for a reason. Usually to teach something about ourselves. You can dismiss it or learn from it.

Now, it may not be to run off into the sunset with this Irish girl. But she's after making you see something/potentially learning you a lesson.

Are you prepared in 1 months time, to stand at that altar, and honestly say "I do" and mean it in every way that its meant to (not "I do" till someone better comes along, not "I do" because Im scared of hurting you now and might do later, not "I do" because of finances).

Wesser

What age are you? Just wondering if maybe experience is a factor here...