Becoming the best version of yourself

Paddy Dreadful

At 37 years of age I am beginning to realise that I'm in the twilight of my youth and starting to hit middle age and its now or never with regards having an enjoying life

I am living quite a boring life, where I work all day and either meet a friend or two for a few drinks at the weekend or sit in on my own with a bottle of wine and a pizza

I haven't had much success with women down the years and because of my physical appearance I don't ever make the effort to just go and talk to them on a night out fearing rejection, I also don't have much to talk about as I have very little interests

I'm not sure what I am trying to say here but I would like to basically get my **** together

I know how to get in shape its the doing it part and staying consistent that's difficult, I am also starting to feel my drinking is getting out of control so Id love to kick that. The most challenging thing for me though is I want to become a much deeper, much more interesting and cultured person.

Working all week and sitting in drinking wine and watching tv is not a life but I have it in my head that I'm not good enough and don't really want to go out until I lose the weight so I'm kind of in a vicious circle

NeverWaining

Just fu*king do it man. Do new things. Try to do something new every week/fortnight. Join a group/club or two. Yeah you'll have to go out of your comfort zone for a bit, and none of us like doing that, but it's just a small push. You're never going to be as young as you are today/this month/this year. There are older people in your same situation, much older people who will change themselves but who'd give absolutely everything they have to get back to 37 and work from there. Don't be them.

Don't let the weight thing hold you back. It's very difficult to lose weight, success rates are very slim. So many people are waiting years to do the things they want to do because this time next summer they'll look better. Absolutely try to lose weight, it's important, but don't let it hold you back on going out and doing what you want to do.

Look into setting goals. Use a goal app or a goal tracker, something like lifetick.com. Break it down to small steps. You've already taken the first step - asking for a bit of advice. You can do this.

boomtown84

NeverWaining wrote: »

It's very difficult to lose weight, success rates are very slim. /QUOTE]

Nice!;)

don't be so downbeat at all. Your post says it all, you list all the reasons a person would not be attracted to you etc. there's tons of people millions in fact who would kill to have qualities you have. it's easy to get rested and settle in a routine so try going outside your comfort zone a bit, then a bit more, then a bit more. Just don't fret about things too much or you come across too keen. everyone can work on their weight that's a given, healthy body healthy mind an all that but you need to work on everything else, mind and spirit. I know loads of people with very health bodies and shocking unhealthy minds, nasty people altogether.
Id say limit your TV nightly and open a book, listen to music, let you head adjust to the TV being off and you'd be amazed. end of the day it's a distraction, 99% of that's on it is crap!

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Sleepy

The first step, imo, is to stop trying to become the "best" version of yourself and settle for becoming a "better" version of yourself today than you were last week.

Steps 2 to infinity are simply repeating step 1.

keane2097

The becoming "much deeper, much more interesting and cultured person" is really easy, just ditch TV and start reading books.

Pepe LeFrits

OP, if you find sticking to your plans for healthy living, fitness etc, I suggest picking up ‘The Power of Habit’ by Charles Duhigg. It’s a fairly light read but it's interesting and I found it very useful. If you’re in Dublin you should be able to pick it up in one of the big book shops for about a tenner. There’s an excerpt here:

http://charlesduhigg.com/how-habits-work/

Something I found very useful was the advice to not take on too much at once. You don’t change your life by waking up one day and making vast, sweeping changes to every aspect of your life. The odd person might but the vast majority will quickly get fatigued and find themselves back doing the exact same things a few weeks later. You change it by making small, incremental changes. It requires patience but you build good habits that way and you’ll maintain them long after your initial spurt of enthusiasm has waned.

thejaguar

Sign up for something. Anything that will require a certain level of commitment.
That will help you with consistency - the commitment at the beginning will help you to keep going.

Something in an area that you're interested in. Take a class or join a club.

If losing weight is a goal, then signing up for a race of some description might be an idea. There's a wide range of options:

Walking: Numerous walking trails and hillwalking clubs
Running: Millions of fun runs, races, adventure races
Cycling: Mountain Biking, Road racing, Leisure Cycles
Swimming: Indoor swimming classes, Open water swimming
Canoeing: Canoeing courses
Climbing: Why not!?
Tennis: Tennis has a great social scene depending on the club

Anything in that group would require a certain amount of training or commitment that should help with the consistency.

More sedate:
Golf: A good walk, ruined some would say, but still exercise and something to work on improving
Bowling: Bowling leagues in every leisureplex in the country

My advice would be to pick ONE thing to start with. Then see how it goes.

also as above but include partner activities like dancing lessons, dogging and swinging!!

ancapailldorcha

rusty cole wrote: »

also as above but include partner activities like dancing lessons, dogging and swinging!!

Cut out the puerile humour please.

josephryan1989

Paddy Dreadful wrote: »

At 37 years of age I am beginning to realise that I'm in the twilight of my youth and starting to hit middle age and its now or never with regards having an enjoying life

I am living quite a boring life, where I work all day and either meet a friend or two for a few drinks at the weekend or sit in on my own with a bottle of wine and a pizza

I haven't had much success with women down the years and because of my physical appearance I don't ever make the effort to just go and talk to them on a night out fearing rejection, I also don't have much to talk about as I have very little interests

I'm not sure what I am trying to say here but I would like to basically get my **** together

I know how to get in shape its the doing it part and staying consistent that's difficult, I am also starting to feel my drinking is getting out of control so Id love to kick that. The most challenging thing for me though is I want to become a much deeper, much more interesting and cultured person.

Working all week and sitting in drinking wine and watching tv is not a life but I have it in my head that I'm not good enough and don't really want to go out until I lose the weight so I'm kind of in a vicious circle

Why not go to a library and start reading about interesting stuff like art and literature, philosophy, science and history or get a book on cookery and good food or just read all the classics you never read like Dickens or Tolstoy or Hemmingway so you can have something interesting to talk about.

You like booze so why not learn how to make your own beer or read up on wines and travel to some wine making regions and have adventures rather than just sitting on the sofa?

Paddy Dreadful

anyone read a booke called the power of now by echart tole?

Paddy Dreadful

Paddy Dreadful wrote: »

I know how to get in shape its the doing it part and staying consistent that's difficult

I tend to sell the incremental approach idea to this issue myself. It works for some, not for others, as with any approach. But always worth giving a try.

Basically it involves working out what form you want your changes to take - be it running, cycling, exercise, swimming, hill walking or whatever.

Then rather than trying to make a massive change in your life to accommodate these new things with any consistency - You instead start on day 1 by doing simply 1 minute of each.

And it will feel ridiculous at first. Especially as with some things you spend longer getting ready and preparing (getting the kit on or getting the bike out) than the 1 minute you spend DOING it (cycling or running down the road for 30 seconds and then 30 seconds back really does feel silly.

But on day 2 do 2 minutes. Day 3 do 3 minutes. And so forth. Before you know it in a couple of months you are consistently doing 1 hour a day.

The issues with consistency are helped because by the end of week 2 - even though are are only doing a 1/4 of an hour of your chosen pursuit - you have spent 2 weeks training yourself into the motions of putting the time aside - preparing for the thing itself - and winding down after it.

So essentially with the incremental approach you are starting out by training yourself FOR the training - and easing the life change into your schedule - all before you reach a level where you are fully engaged with the thing itself. And this can be remarkably helpful.

Kmc1602

Have you considered doing the Parkruns? As far as I know they are held in various locations all over the country on Saturday mornings and are a great place to meet people and socialise. Afterwards the participants usually go for a coffee and a chat afterwards, that would help keep you on the straight and narrow!

Also

Kmc1602

Also you should check out some of Dale Carnegie books, they are very insightful!!

Sniipe

subscribing to this thread. I'm expecting great things Paddy Dreadful. You should chart what you do, something like:

This week;
I joined a gym and am going to go for the 5x5 strength training as its a better way to lose weight than anything. My totals so far are (50kg deadlift, 30kg bench press and 50kg squats).
Got the book everyone on boards was on about (power of habit). Half way thru it already.

Outlook;
I saw a notice in the gym about a book club; I will enquire about it.
I plan to sell the xbox one and its game, its going to be tough, but I'm committed to forming the habit and doing something new each week - almost like a "yes man"...
I may install tinder on the phone...

JTL

Good thread. Can relate to some (though not all) of what the OP is saying. Have been focusing way too much on work recently and need to improve my work/life balance and get some more new interests outside of the office.

mfceiling

Youtube is good here paddy.

I've become an avid watcher of ted talks. Some of the stuff you will watch and barely take any notice, others will touch a nerve or strike a chord.
I also started watching and trying some of Gordon Ramsey's recipes on YouTube..again trial and error plus you'll have to really search for some of the ingredients so you'll have to stretch yourself as well.

I'm 41 this week and middle age spread is approaching so I'm hitting this on the head. 30 minute walk tonight and the pedometer on my phone tells me I walked over 12,000 steps today. I'll increase that and decrease the crap food and we'll see what happens. It's just a matter of doing it now...not tomorrow or next week.

Best of luck...keep us informed.

Sniipe

mfceiling wrote: »

Youtube is good here paddy. It's just a matter of doing it now...not tomorrow or next week.

keane2097

keane2097 wrote: »

The becoming "much deeper, much more interesting and cultured person" is really easy, just ditch TV and start reading books.

this kinda stuff is pretty vacuous imo

you are not the media you consume, in any format, and fetishisation of the means of delivery of concept or information is just a nonsense bias.

besides, content is only content. nothing worse than a fact machine when what people usually want from company is a bit of spark, a bit of give-and-take, wit, humour, sympathy, understanding, whatever.

OldRio

Sorry but reading a book would be far more beneficial than watching most, but not all TV. I'm not saying you should completely ditch the TV but my God a little/lot of pruning of the drivel wouldn't do any of us any harm.

mr.anonymous

I've been reading a lot lately - not something I've ever really done as a hobby. But having finished college I can now read to recreate rather than study, which is refreshing.

I'm currently job hunting and it's seriously disheartening. Weeks go by waiting for phone calls. I've started reading and taking driving lessons so I have something to focus on.

I'm trying to be positive and keep a better version of future me in mind. It's amazing what a good walk can do so I try to get a 40 min one in daily.

I read 'How to win friends and influence people' by Dale Carnegie and found it enjoyable. There's a good few subtle changes we can make in our interactions with people that can make a difference.

If you're an introverted person who may not jump at being social, I found 'Quiet' by Susan Cain an excellent book. It explains the psychology behind introversion and makes you realise you don't have to be outgoing and talkative to be successful. Highly recommend it.

The social and relationships side of things is a bit of a disaster though :O but it hope when I get work, the rest will fall into place.

keane2097

Deleted User wrote: »

this kinda stuff is pretty vacuous imo

you are not the media you consume, in any format, and fetishisation of the means of delivery of concept or information is just a nonsense bias.

besides, content is only content. nothing worse than a fact machine when what people usually want from company is a bit of spark, a bit of give-and-take, wit, humour, sympathy, understanding, whatever.

lol, there's a first time for every POV I suppose

ancapailldorcha

mr.anonymous wrote: »

If you're an introverted person who may not jump at being social, I found 'Quiet' by Susan Cain an excellent book. It explains the psychology behind introversion and makes you realise you don't have to be outgoing and talkative to be successful. Highly recommend it.

I'm really struggling with this to be honest. I picked up that book a while back but I've not started it yet.

eeguy

One piece of advice about gymming or exercise.

Go to the classes.

I've no motivation in the gym. I find it boring and repetitive.
But there's nothing more motivating that someone telling you what to do, and trying to keep up with the people around you.

The only motivation you need is to walk through the door, and anyone can walk through a door.

The instructor and the other people in the class will keep you motivated for the duration.

Whitewinged

Op, the thing in your post that stands out to me is that you mentioned a bit of a fear of rejection.

Obviously getting fitter, taking on new hobbies and reading etc are going to make you more confident and happier and generally better off with your lifestyle but in terms of approaching women, it is really how you perceive rejection that you need to change.

If you think about it a lot of couples sit in at weekends, get a pizza and have a few glasses of wine (and you are making it sound like such a negative thing) so the fact you do that is nothing out of the ordinary, you probably just want someone to share the evening with.

You need to not take rejection personally and not place too much value on it but at the same time not feel the other person is wrong or just being mean either. There are a number of reasons why a woman might reject you that have really nothing to do with you as a person.

Don't be afraid approaching women. Try to take any rejections with a pinch of salt. I know that's easier said than done but the more you see rejection as not really a big deal then the easier it is to come across as confident, laid back and someone who is fun to be around. You can't let a rejection effect you too much, onto to the next.

Women are looking for interesting people and hobbies and general knowledge and all that are great but qualities like loyalty, understanding, open mindedness, kindness, fun and trustworthy are much more important and I'm sure you already have alot of those traits.

Sniipe

Hey PaddyDreadful, what's up? Where is your head at? Talk to us.

Andre 3000

Check out guys like Elliott Hulse on Youtube. It'll change your life, no bullsh*tting

ancapailldorcha

keane2097 wrote: »

The becoming "much deeper, much more interesting and cultured person" is really easy, just ditch TV and start reading books.

OldRio wrote: »

Sorry but reading a book would be far more beneficial than watching most, but not all TV. I'm not saying you should completely ditch the TV but my God a little/lot of pruning of the drivel wouldn't do any of us any harm.

While I can definitely appreciate where both of ye are coming from, I think that ye've given TV short shrift. You have documentaries, live coverage of world events, debates and some seriously high quality dramas, comedies, etc.. Fair enough, most of the stuff broadcast life is trash. It is called Freeview/Saorview for a reason after all but there is definitely a goldmine of quality content out there.

OldRio

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

While I can definitely appreciate where both of ye are coming from, I think that ye've given TV short shrift. You have documentaries, live coverage of world events, debates and some seriously high quality dramas, comedies, etc.. Fair enough, most of the stuff broadcast life is trash. It is called Freeview/Saorview for a reason after all but there is definitely a goldmine of quality content out there.

Like I said pruning, rather than ditching. Streaming content gives a better choice but even then there is an awful amount of crap.
BBC4 is by far my most watched TV channel and is available free of charge on most of this island. Great documentaries, history drama and music.

Unfortunately the OP seems to have posed his question and vanished.