My parents think its all "just a phase"?

mattP

Im 17 and came out to them this week. They're the only people I've told, and don't plan to come out all the way until after 6th year. Yeah they didn't take it so well :c Ive a boyfriend (in a different county, we've met up once, snapchat all the time) and they didn't take too kindly to him either :c They say its a phase, im just young and hormonal, they also want me to stop talking to him because hes only "encouraging it" and I'll "never come out of the phase if you keep talking to him". They say all they want is for me to be happy and healthy yet they've no idea how painful it is to listen to all the nonsense they spout at me😣 What can I do?

mdudy

Congrats on coming out dude, it's not an easy thing to do.

That's a horrible situation to find yourself in mattP. I would definitely not stop talking to your boyfriend as you can tell him how you're feeling as it's an emotional time for all involved. Is there a friend closer to home or older sibling even that you could consider talking to who could talk to your parents too?

If need be I would sit them down again and tell them do they really think that you would come out if you weren't sure. Tell them that coming out has lifted a huge weight off your shoulders (hopefully it has, despite their non-support), and that you are happy and all you need is from them is to support you.

looksee

I am a parent of adult children, none of whom are gay. I don't know if I am entitled to an opinion, but here it is for what it is worth. Your parents love you OP, they want what is best for you. The vast majority of parents feel that way and no matter how old the children are, they are still your children and you want what is best for them.

You have dropped a bombshell on your parents and they are trying to cope with the idea. They have not rejected you, they have tried to rationalise the situation for themselves and want to find a 'way out' of the situation you have presented them with. Give them a bit of time, continue to love them, continue to communicate with your bf. When they have come to terms with the idea a bit, then you can talk to them, ask for active support, but just give them a bit of time to get their heads round what you have told them.

I know at 17 you are an adult, but to your parents it is not 5 minutes since you were a totally dependent child. You are asking them to accept that you are an adult, you have sexual inclinations, and that you are gay. They would have just as much doubt about that if you were not gay! Give them time to realise you have grown up and are gaining control of your own life; they know now, they will accept it, just get on with your life and let them catch up with you in their own time.

Daisy 55

That's so lovely!

Funtrepreneur

Your 17 so not very experienced. Why not give vagina a chance? You may grow to love it

Ash885

Funtrepreneur wrote: »

Your 17 so not very experienced. Why not give vagina a chance? You may grow to love it

So you've given a gay hookup a chance? How did you find it? At what point did you decide you were going to stick being hetereosexual?

All that looksee is correct though. Parents need a little bit of time to get over the shock/awwardness of it all. They'll surprise you with a far more open mind in time when they've processed it all.

Funtrepreneur

Ash885 wrote:

So you've given a gay hookup a chance? How did you find it? At what point did you decide you were going to stick being hetereosexual?

I have actually on more than one occasion. I'm not a person to Diss something without giving it a go first.

Grey Wind

Funtrepreneur wrote: »

Your 17 so not very experienced. Why not give vagina a chance? You may grow to love it

Telling someone who's likely struggled to accept their sexuality and is currently struggling to get their parents to do the same that it might be a phase after all is stupid and unhelpful.


I agree with the person who mentioned getting someone to talk to them. They might be more likely to listen to someone who they don't view as a child, and hearing someone else agree with you might help open their mind a little bit. Congrats on coming out btw and good luck with your parents. It's tough.

Annasopra

Funtrepeneur don't post in this topic again and stop trolling. Everyone else ignore funtrepeneur.

Leonard Hofstadter

Sorry to hear about your experience OP. Huge kudos for coming out so young, it's a very stressful thing to do and it takes a great deal of courage. It is always good to be true to yourself and speak the truth. It is great you're obviously comfortable and confident about your sexuality, I only discovered I was gay around that age and it made me homophobic because I was so mortified and ashamed of it (back in those days, gay men were seen as sissies and perverts and queers (oh how I hate that word) because the only out ones were camp and I'm not camp so I didn't want to be associated with that even though I don't have a problem with people being camp these days). I thought it could be 'fixed' and there was something 'wrong' with me at the time. Going to college and having an openly gay person in one of our classes forced me to rethink, then the likes of Dónal Óg Cusack and other people I would have looked up to coming out and seeing the change in public attitude towards gay people and cousins and friends introducing me to their (openly) gay friends made me get over it and accept it (especially as they were just as nice as your average straight person) and be comfortable with my own truth and that gave me the courage to come out. Although I don't envy your situation, I am glad you didn't have to spend all those years in the closet and worrying about it and just got on and started the process of doing it. It will get better from here .

It could be (and hopefully it is the case) that your parents are still trying to deal with this 'bombshell' you've landed on them and when they've dealt with it themselves they will give over it. I suppose most people even these days don't come out at 17 and presumably still in school. I suppose the fact that it's long distance and you've said yourself that you've only met this guy is one of the reasons behind them thinking 'it's a phase'. I think it's worth pointing out as well that sometimes when you come out of the closet those who you've told go into the closet and it does take time for some parents to adjust to the fact that your life isn't going to go in the direction they might have hoped/intended (i.e. girlfriends, marriage, kids etc).

As you probably know now, being gay is certainly not a phase. I think the advice given by mdudy is sound and sensible, tell them you know this is your orientation, tell them you're relieved you've come out (though I suspect you're probably not given their reaction) as it's a weight off your shoulders and just want to be happy and get on with your life and hope they'll be able to give you their support. As my parents said to me, you're still the same person you were before and remind them of that - nothing has changed, you haven't 'turned gay', you're not 'turning gay', you are and you always have been gay and will continue to be no matter what anyone says but you're just realising it now.

I don't know what schools are like these days, I know there was a massive yes vote in the marriage referendum from under 25s in particular but I went to an all boys school and left about 8-9 years ago and openly homophobic remarks were made all the time (at least because I don't 'act gay' i.e. am not camp nothing was ever directed my way but at the same time it wasn't very nice to hear 'that's so gay' being thrown around), you may or may not wish to change your mind about not coming out in school.

Fortunately it's all a sea change in college, speaking from experience (I didn't come out in college, partly because I wasn't anywhere near as confident about coming out as you were) it's a mistake to be in the closet there, I'd come out straight away and join the LGBT+ society, you'll make loads of gay friends there and the vast majority of straight people simply won't care in the slightest - which of course is the way it should be.

Best of luck in the future OP .

emigrate2012

Fair fukcs to ye, that's a hard station to hold at that age.
I let me family know I'm bi around 3 years ago, (I'm 30,ffs) and it was the most pant****ingly scarey thing I've uttered out loud.
I know how ye feel.
Your own parents, love ye, they'll come around. Try not to stress too much about it. If you're looking happy in yourself, they'll be be happy that you are. If that makes any sense?!?

Congratulations to to you for your bravery to take that step(I didn't get have the balls to be honest with myself for way too long) , and as others have said, it gets easier.

mattP

Thanks for all the support guys:')
I really do hope they come around, if they dont I decided I'll pull away from them as I don't want that kind of negativity and persecution in my life... Sounds really harsh and childish I know but they've said some pretty hurtful things, in the very least they should keep those thoughts to themselves

looksee

mattP, you are not being persecuted. You find your parents' efforts to cope with your news to be distressing and hurtful, you have had time to think about the whole situation and work out how you feel about it. They have not.

Sexual orientation aside, at 17 most people are in conflict with their parents about all sorts of things and a lot of angry words are exchanged about such things as the suitability of your friends, whether you are studying, what you are going to do with your life, whether you should be drinking/smoking etc. Eventually, ideally, both sides move on, attitudes on both sides are adjusted and life goes on. Go into any forum for young people and see how many of them are complaining 'my parents don't understand me, they nag me, they are unfair to me'. As a child you needed the security of your parents being 'right' and having the last word; as you go through your teens both sides have to make adjustments.

In your case you are angry at their reaction to you expressing your sexual orientation and it is entirely understandable. Your first venture into coming out has been received with doubt and a certain amount of hostility, from the very people you hoped would support you. From their point of view their youngster who really should be concentrating on his LC has come out with a life-changing statement. They would like to be able to argue it away, and hope that you will 'get over it'. It would be nice if you could manipulate or force other people's feelings so that they went along with yours, but you really can't. All you can do is help them to understand, give them time, or accept the different attitude.

One of the 'rules of bring up children' that most parents feel should be pinned to the wall is, 'its only a phase, it will pass'. This starts with babies not sleeping, being picky eaters, 8 year olds becoming obsessed with horses or dinosaurs, teens hating school, hiding in their bedrooms playing computer games. Now suddenly something really important matters to you and they are treating it as another phase, can you see how after 17 years of practise, this could happen?

You are going to need their support to get through your LC and into college; you can either make being gay the only thing that matters, or you can be aware that you also need to concentrate on your immediate future. Being gay does not remove you from mainstream life, you will still need qualifications, you will need to go to college, you will appreciate having the backing of a family.

Whether or not they are gay, most young people struggle with their sexuality, and in really very few case would their parents be their first choice of adviser. They have to muddle through and try and deal with the demands of education or work at the same time. You are going to have to do the same thing. In the end, it is all part of adult life, it is the first crack in the separation of you and your parents. That does not mean you have to throw everything away, you are starting on the adult business of being responsible for keeping lots of things balanced at the same time. It is not easy.

jobbridge4life

looksee wrote: »

mattP, you are not being persecuted. You find your parents' efforts to cope with your news to be distressing and hurtful, you have had time to think about the whole situation and work out how you feel about it. They have not.

Sexual orientation aside, at 17 most people are in conflict with their parents about all sorts of things and a lot of angry words are exchanged about such things as the suitability of your friends, whether you are studying, what you are going to do with your life, whether you should be drinking/smoking etc. Eventually, ideally, both sides move on, attitudes on both sides are adjusted and life goes on. Go into any forum for young people and see how many of them are complaining 'my parents don't understand me, they nag me, they are unfair to me'. As a child you needed the security of your parents being 'right' and having the last word; as you go through your teens both sides have to make adjustments.

In your case you are angry at their reaction to you expressing your sexual orientation and it is entirely understandable. Your first venture into coming out has been received with doubt and a certain amount of hostility, from the very people you hoped would support you. From their point of view their youngster who really should be concentrating on his LC has come out with a life-changing statement. They would like to be able to argue it away, and hope that you will 'get over it'. It would be nice if you could manipulate or force other people's feelings so that they went along with yours, but you really can't. All you can do is help them to understand, give them time, or accept the different attitude.

One of the 'rules of bring up children' that most parents feel should be pinned to the wall is, 'its only a phase, it will pass'. This starts with babies not sleeping, being picky eaters, 8 year olds becoming obsessed with horses or dinosaurs, teens hating school, hiding in their bedrooms playing computer games. Now suddenly something really important matters to you and they are treating it as another phase, can you see how after 17 years of practise, this could happen?

You are going to need their support to get through your LC and into college; you can either make being gay the only thing that matters, or you can be aware that you also need to concentrate on your immediate future. Being gay does not remove you from mainstream life, you will still need qualifications, you will need to go to college, you will appreciate having the backing of a family.

Whether or not they are gay, most young people struggle with their sexuality, and in really very few case would their parents be their first choice of adviser. They have to muddle through and try and deal with the demands of education or work at the same time. You are going to have to do the same thing. In the end, it is all part of adult life, it is the first crack in the separation of you and your parents. That does not mean you have to throw everything away, you are starting on the adult business of being responsible for keeping lots of things balanced at the same time. It is not easy.

Eh sorry but if you are a parent you have a duty of care to your children and if they don't know in this day and age that being gay isn't a choice or a phase then they with respect are fairly ignorant. At the very least they should have tried to educate themselves before firing off. In addition it seems from Matt's post that they have made more comments than just the 'its a phase' and that these are hurting their child. They should recognise this and amend their behaviour accordingly instead of continuing to cause him pain in pursuit of their idealised version of his future. Reading your post it comes across as though at 17 Matt is supposed to basically act like the parent.

Matt, congrats on coming out. Your parents have taken it less than well. That doesn't mean they always will. Remember your sexuality is not a phase but their reaction to it is.

mattP

mattP wrote: »

They say its a phase, im just young and hormonal, they also want me to stop talking to him because hes only "encouraging it" and I'll "never come out of the phase if you keep talking to him". They say all they want is for me to be happy and healthy yet they've no idea how painful it is to listen to all the nonsense they spout at me. What can I do?

As you say - all parents really want is what is best for their children and parents fed a history of media and social bias about homosexuality will often view your "non-standard" life path as being something akin to a damaging medical diagnosis that is going to impact on your quality of life.

I have been also on the receiving end of parents who think that a chosen relationship is "just a phase" or a pursuit of short-term carnal pleasures with little or no thought to the future or the consequences.

What can you do? Very little in the short-term. What you can do is pursue the goals you would pursue anyway - to be a growing, productive, happy and successful individual.

And - if your experience matches my own - your parents will one day stop obsessing over how to make sure you end up happy - and suddenly realise _you already are_. Not only despite - but maybe even in some ways _because of_ your "non-standard" sexual orientation or relationship choices.

on_my_oe

Here's my two cents worth as a heterosexual gay friendly type...

I read somewhere that when a relationship breaks down, the dumper usually gets over it before the dumpee as they've had time to adjust to the situation before its announced. They've taken the decision out of the box, dusted it off, turned it in 20 million directions, examined it thoroughly, out it back in the box and repeated the process many times. They've (largely) made their peace with it before it happens. The dumpee - even if they knew something was up - is still surprised, ranging from 'mildly' to 'completely blindsided' and so takes a while before their world adjusts. Your parents were probably imaging your life stages (finding a partner, marriage, children etc), so they're probably at the 'blindsided' end of the spectrum, and they need a bit of time to rewrite the happy ending they imagined for you.

That said, this is not a 'stage you're going through', anymore than heterosexuality is a stage I'm going through. Sexuality is a lovely rainbow full of colours, and much like you might like a range of colours now or just like one particular colour shade, things change but it's still freedom of choice - yours. So they can feck right off with that attitude...

Don't step back from your man, if anything you probably need him more right now as he'll be able to relate to your situation having probably gone through it himself.

Give them a wee bit of time to adjust but ignore any insults - they may come from a place of pain and confusion but that doesn't make them acceptable. Don't go out in a blaze of glory if it comes to it, just withdraw quietly and retain your self respect - and leave the door open for acceptance and forgiveness when they're ready.

Good luck!

looksee

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Eh sorry but if you are a parent you have a duty of care to your children and if they don't know in this day and age that being gay isn't a choice or a phase then they with respect are fairly ignorant. At the very least they should have tried to educate themselves before firing off. In addition it seems from Matt's post that they have made more comments than just the 'its a phase' and that these are hurting their child. They should recognise this and amend their behaviour accordingly instead of continuing to cause him pain in pursuit of their idealised version of his future. Reading your post it comes across as though at 17 Matt is supposed to basically act like the parent.

Matt, congrats on coming out. Your parents have taken it less than well. That doesn't mean they always will. Remember your sexuality is not a phase but their reaction to it is.

I do not disagree with any of this. You are absolutely right. The point I am making is that parents are human too, Matt has had time to think, his parents have not. It is quite likely that before he said anything they had never given any thought beyond the most superficial to the implications of being gay.

I am not arguing with any of your points, but in this case, yes, sadly Matt has to take on the mature role until his parents can come to terms with it. This is very important as it is the difference between his parents rejecting him, which they have not done, and having a bit of time to (a) deal with a life-times' conditioning (b) accept that their child is adult enough to have sexual awareness (which, as I have said, is not solely a 'gay' issue).

We could all come on and say 'yes that is terrible, your parents are cruel to you, you are misunderstood and unloved' but where would that get him? Far better, I think, to try and find a route through the situation.

Matt could respond by saying 'they should understand me', well yes, ideally they should, but if in the immediate aftermath they do not, there is no point making that argument the main issue.

seamus

I'm going to be perfectly honest here with another parental point of view. If my child came out to me at 14 (17 is a bit old), the very first thing I would say to them is - That's fine, it doesn't matter to me, but take some time to ensure that you are certain about this, before coming out to anyone else.

Teenage years can be weird and confusing and I can't imagine anything more embarrassing than someone coming out at one age and then having to try and retract it again at a later date if they realise they were just a bit infatuated with a strong role model of the same sex or something.

Like I say, 17 is a bit old to be confused, so in that case I wouldn't be telling them to take time to reflect on it. But I can easily see how some parents might.

My advice here is the same as looksee's - just give them time. Don't make your sexuality a "feature", go about your life treating it as the perfectly normal thing that it is, rather than trying to force your parents to change their mind. This doesn't need to become a bone of contention that drives you away from them. Or at the very least you don't have to make it one. If your parents are the ones constantly pushing the issue and making a big deal of it, then as looksee beautifully says, you have to "take on the mature role until his parents can come to terms with it".

mattP

seamus wrote:

My advice here is the same as looksee's - just give them time. Don't make your sexuality a "feature", go about your life treating it as the perfectly normal thing that it is, rather than trying to force your parents to change their mind. This doesn't need to become a bone of contention that drives you away from them. Or at the very least you don't have to make it one. If your parents are the ones constantly pushing the issue and making a big deal of it, then as looksee beautifully says, you have to "take on the mature role until his parents can come to terms with it".

Ive been trying to carry on like I always have, but then one of them makes a passive aggressive remark and I just get so effed off over what theyre thinking, aswell as their inability to say it out straight. Neither of us have brought it up directly in the last few days, but tensions have still been running high in the house I get what ye're all saying about the shock factor and I understand that, but what really gets me is that it seems they just dont want to understand - to them its a phase and that's it, they haven't considered me at all, from saying its a phase to my dad saying gays shouldn't be allowed marry(and worse).

jobbridge4life

mattP wrote: »

Ive been trying to carry on like I always have, but then one of them makes a passive aggressive remark and I just get so effed off over what theyre thinking, aswell as their inability to say it out straight. Neither of us have brought it up directly in the last few days, but tensions have still been running high in the house I get what ye're all saying about the shock factor and I understand that, but what really gets me is that it seems they just dont want to understand - to them its a phase and that's it, they haven't considered me at all, from saying its a phase to my dad saying gays shouldn't be allowed marry(and worse).

Are people going to defend this now?

Parents don't have to be angels but they should be better than this. I can't imagine we'd be as 'understanding' if Matt was on here telling us his parents had criticised him for bringing home a black girlfriend, telling him that was just a phase or that whites and blacks shouldn't be allowed to marry.

Its outrageous to suggest that by coming out Matt is making his sexuality a feature, or by openly expressing it? What level of accommodation should he make?

looksee

jobbridge4life, of course this is not acceptable or desirable, but this is not about 'defending' stuff, its about trying to find a passage through it. Frankly you are cranking up indignation, and so far there has not been a lot to justify this. Now, it does look as though there is antagonism from the parents, but I can't see that shouting that 'this is outrageous' is helping anything.

No-one has said that by coming out Matt has made his sexuality a feature, again you are winding up the situation. The point is being made that he has to find the balance between dealing with his parents' reaction and getting on with his life. Maybe at this stage family counselling might be helpful, certainly it needs to be talked about openly and not allowed to fester. If not counselling then a trusted family member or close friend might be able to help.

The bottom line is though that you cannot force someone else's attitudes and what they 'should' do or not do is just rhetoric. That is not defending them, it is trying to deal with a situation to get the best resolution.

frostyjacks

Don't push your parents away because of this, you'll probably regret it in the long run. It's not something any parent expects to have to deal with, so give them time to come to terms with it.

seamus

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Are people going to defend this now?

Nobody was defending his parents. Simply explaining their reaction.

The point that I'm trying to get across (and perhaps the others are too) is that the OP should avoid making any rash declarations about his long-term relationship with his parents.
Although it may appear otherwise when they're so dismissive of this aspect of his person, he needs to remember that they don't love him any less than they did before he came out to them. They still want what's best for him, and in a twisted piece of logic they feel that "allowing" him to be gay will not be good for him.

Aside from that, his parents will remain the ones who give him the strongest support, so when his heart is broken by someone or he's otherwise down on his luck, his parents are the ones who are most likely to be there to support him, gay or not. Poisoning the relationship or otherwise making plans to distance himself from his parents is rash and unnecessary.

Everything looksee has said in this thread is absolutely spot on, and I'd strongly encourage re-reading his posts carefully.

This is not something that will resolve itself in the space of a week. Or even a month. But it doesn't need to become a source of tension. The OP has made a declaration effectively in public about who he is. And that's a fact. So he should just live that fact and anyone who can't deal with it will just have to get used to it.

Parents are the most difficult because we so often crave parental approval, and failure to "approve" can sometimes make something feel like it's not legitimate. But it is. It's a fact whether or not his parents approve. So if he lives his life remembering that he is gay and that's a fact whether or not his parents approve, then the lack of parental approval shouldn't remain a source of stress for him. And over time his parents will come to realise this fact rather than believe they have any control over it.

Easier said than done, of course.

One eyed Jack

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Are people going to defend this now?

Parents don't have to be angels but they should be better than this. I can't imagine we'd be as 'understanding' if Matt was on here telling us his parents had criticised him for bringing home a black girlfriend, telling him that was just a phase or that whites and blacks shouldn't be allowed to marry.

Its outrageous to suggest that by coming out Matt is making his sexuality a feature, or by openly expressing it? What level of accommodation should he make?

Honestly? Unfortunately, while living under his parents roof - every accommodation possible. Between them, looksee and seamus are bang on the money with this one, and unfortunately for the OP, his parents are quite happy as they are, and it's the OP has upset the family apple cart so to speak. The OP's parents won't be for changing any time soon. In my own case with a particular issue, my parents never changed, decades I'm talking, and they still couldn't be forced to accept what they in their own world, didn't have to accept.

I had to eventually accept that my parents would never accept the situation, and it was easier for me to abandon that toxic influence and and conflict environment because my parents sure as hell weren't moving out any time soon obviously.

It may sound utterly harsh and cruel now, but the OP would be far better for their own sake, for their own mental health, and for the sake of their future, to keep shtum for now until they have the means to become an independent adult from their parents.

If I'd known then what I only realised decades later, and parental rejection (for any reason that doesn't fit with their plans for their children), is a far more common phenomenon than I had been aware of at the time, which initially made it what seemed like an impossibility to make that break. We'd all love it obviously if our parents were loving and accepting of us as we are, but sometimes upsetting the parental plans creates not just a rift but a chasm in some circumstances, which may or may not ever be repaired.

That's not to say it can't be, but the sooner the OP comes to terms with the fact that for now the situation is the way it is, and that his parents aren't going through a phase either, the sooner, and easier it will be, for the OP to embrace the opportunity to start living their life as an adult independent of their parents.

Idealism and reality have never made for comfortable bedfellows, and just as the OP has upset his parents idealism with his reality, so too must the OP come to terms with the fact that his idealism (and indeed your own jb tbh) may never be a reality. Be nice if it were, but it's not, and it seems likely a futile endeavour based upon my own experience to even try, when his parents ideas are that deeply embedded that they will put their own idealism before their own son's reality.

jobbridge4life

looksee wrote: »

jobbridge4life, of course this is not acceptable or desirable, but this is not about 'defending' stuff, its about trying to find a passage through it. Frankly you are cranking up indignation, and so far there has not been a lot to justify this. Now, it does look as though there is antagonism from the parents, but I can't see that shouting that 'this is outrageous' is helping anything.

It is unacceptable and undesirable and it is p!ss poor parenting and I think Matt deserves to hear that since he is cleary hurting. I reject your assertion that I am 'cranking up indignation' and your interpretation of what there was to justify since the opening post Matt has made it clear that it went beyond the 'its a phase remark'

they also want me to stop talking to him because hes only "encouraging it" and I'll "never come out of the phase if you keep talking to him". They say all they want is for me to be happy and healthy yet they've no idea how painful it is to listen to all the nonsense they spout at me😣 What can I do?

- they are causing him pain and they are oblivous to it, they are trying to isolate him from one of his important support figures.

as I don't want that kind of negativity and persecution in my life... Sounds really harsh and childish I know but they've said some pretty hurtful things, in the very least they should keep those thoughts to themselves

- in the above he expressed a sensation of persecution which you a straight person with no gay children felt entitled to dismiss in your next response without any real explanation as to how you know how it feels in Matt's family right now?


I also don't accept that you weren't defending them. You very clearly were making exuses for what is not an acceptable or reasonable response in this day and age. Moreover you used words like 'manipulate' and 'force' in relation to Matt's search for understanding from his parents...

looksee wrote: »

No-one has said that by coming out Matt has made his sexuality a feature, again you are winding up the situation. The point is being made that he has to find the balance between dealing with his parents' reaction and getting on with his life. Maybe at this stage family counselling might be helpful, certainly it needs to be talked about openly and not allowed to fester. If not counselling then a trusted family member or close friend might be able to help.

Eh excuse me but it was you who in response to Matt's coming out and seeking advice said the following... 'you can either make being gay the only thing that matters,' and Seamus remarked 'Don't make your sexuality a "feature"'... this was in response to a person who came out... not someone who asked his parents to dance in the pride parade. He hasn't remotely made gay the only thing that matters or made his sexuality a feature or indicated that he intended to. It was his parents upon hearing of his sexuality decided it was what mattered and have continued to make hurtful abusive comments.

looksee wrote: »

The bottom line is though that you cannot force someone else's attitudes and what they 'should' do or not do is just rhetoric. That is not defending them, it is trying to deal with a situation to get the best resolution.

Of course not. Which is why I said his sexuality was not a phase but his parents reaction to it likely is. I don't think its wrong to remind an obviously distressed teen that his parents reaction was wrong and to be forthright about it.

looksee

jb4l, I do not see any point in turning this into a debate based on your personal feelings. If you have something to say to the OP then do it, you are entitled to offer a view just as much as any of us. I am not prepared to tease out your argument though, beyond saying that my opinion holds and I have answered most of your points already.

jobbridge4life

looksee wrote: »

jb4l, I do not see any point in turning this into a debate based on your personal feelings. If you have something to say to the OP then do it, you are entitled to offer a view just as much as any of us. I am not prepared to tease out your argument though, beyond saying that my opinion holds and I have answered most of your points already.

You haven't they don't and I already did.

irish_dave_83

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Are people going to defend this now?

Parents don't have to be angels but they should be better than this. I can't imagine we'd be as 'understanding' if Matt was on here telling us his parents had criticised him for bringing home a black girlfriend, telling him that was just a phase or that whites and blacks shouldn't be allowed to marry.

Its outrageous to suggest that by coming out Matt is making his sexuality a feature, or by openly expressing it? What level of accommodation should he make?

Jobbridge, he has only given it a few days, he said himself that tensions are high. Him making rash decisions now in this environment can be dangerous and possibly alienate him from his family for a long time. We all have parents and they are not PC all the time and some none of the time. So when advice is given "to give them time", it means give them a substantial amount of time, not just a few days while tensions are still high. They are his family after all and its better to have them onside in the end if its at all possible.

jobbridge4life

irish_dave_83 wrote: »

Jobbridge, he has only given it a few days, he said himself that tensions are high. Him making rash decisions now in this environment can be dangerous and possibly alienate him from his family for a long time. We all have parents and they are not PC all the time and some none of the time. So when advice is given "to give them time", it means give them a substantial amount of time, not just a few days while tensions are still high. They are his family after all and its better to have them onside in the end if its at all possible.

Which I said.

jobbridge4life

MattP,

I think it would probably help to get some advice from someone who has actually been through a very similar situation. I was 15 when I stumbled out of the proverbial closet to my parents. Some very hurtful, damaging things were said to me in the aftermath and the relationship with my Father was severely strained for several years.
The important thing for you to know in this moment is that you are not going through a phase and that you the same person you were before you came out and your parents decided to be childish and nasty. Insulate yourself from the hurt their comments cause but don’t isolate yourself from them. You shouldn’t have to deal with this and there is no excuse for your parents behaviour towards you regardless of what some have said here but at the end of the day you need to deal with reality and you need to think selfishly. Work out what you want in life and where you want to go and then make sure that happens. For me that was getting to college, getting a good degree and getting a good job (which despite my moniker I have achieved). If that is the course for you then you are probably going to need your parents or their money at least. Make it your goal to achieve the best you can for yourself all the faster that you will be able to remove yourself from this situation.
By focusing on improving your own life you will be shielding yourself from the vitriol from your parents. As you become stronger and more independent you will find the friends gay and straight who will be your support. I’m not going to make any ludicrous statements about ‘making gay all that matters’ or ‘making it a feature’ whateverTF that means, I will say make the smart selfish choices that get you what you want. Sometimes that might mean being quiet or even lying, which is as I said outrageous that you may have to but this life is full sh!t, at least this way you know you are doing it not to placate some parents who ought to know better but so that you can enjoy your life in the best gayest way possible as soon as possible. I am not for one minute saying that you should deny being gay or not have your boyfriend but be smart about it, painful as that might be atm.
Now to move on to your parents; at this moment they are being dicks. They may not always be dicks. In spite of the hurtful things my Mother said to me she relatively quickly came around and once again resumed her position as one of my most important supports. Even my Father with whom things were incredibly hostile and negative for a long time including several physical blow outs has over the last two years in particular changed his attitude. It is possible that this may not happen with your parents. Unfortunately some are doomed to be nasty creatures all their lives but I think chances are it will and if my Father and I were able to pull our relationship back from the brink of total ruin then I believe most people can.
In the meantime you can always rant on here, call the gay switchboard (01) 872 1055 if you need help, keep up the relationship with your boyfriend and look to make new gay and gay friendly friends. Also if you think it would help and is accessible you should try and get involved with http://www.belongto.org/ they are a LGBT support and social organisation for young LGBT people 14 to 24.

One eyed Jack

jobbridge4life wrote: »

I’m not going to make any ludicrous statements about ‘making gay all that matters’ or ‘making it a feature’ whateverTF that means

I think this is what it means -

jobbridge4life wrote: »

so that you can enjoy your life in the best gayest way possible as soon as possible.

How does a person live their life in the "gayest" way possible, let alone the best gayest way possible?

To put it more simply without making being gay the most important thing in his life, the OP should simply be advised to concentrate on making the best life possible for himself.

One of the things that also concerns me about these types of threads is that we're only getting a one sided view of the family dynamic from the perspective of their 17 year old son who's just informed his parents of his sexuality.

When I look back on my parents behaviour towards me when I was in a similar situation, and not much younger than the OP, I was incredibly naive for my age due to having been shielded from an awful lot of the outside world by my parents. I can see now decades later that they were only trying to do what they felt was right for me, to protect me at the time, although with the benefit of hindsight and recidivism (because they were different times, before social media and the penetration of the internet into our daily lives), that they didn't understand that the world was changing more rapidly than they could keep up, and so they were trying to protect me from their experiences in their teenage years.

I can even see myself doing the same with my son, trying desperately to protect him from the influences of social media and the outside world, the adult world, because I feel he isn't ready for that yet, and it's a constant, constant, and very bloody frustrating struggle at times and trying to balance giving him independence while at the same time setting boundaries where he is safe and free within those boundaries, and not just yearly any more but daily, those boundaries are being encroached upon, and he's pushing outward, and tbh at 17 years of age, I would be very concerned about who my son is talking to online because those are outside influences that I have very little control over, and I would be concerned about how he is being influenced by others. We're even doing it here and the OP's parents aren't aware of our influence or how our opinions could influence the OP.

I wouldn't be nearly so quick to assume the family dynamics based upon such little information and I wouldn't be so quick to pass judgment upon the OP's parents for their mistakes, or what you call jb "piss poor parenting". Children don't come with an instruction manual, and no matter how many parenting books a person reads, or parenting websites they're a member of, or groups or whatever else, a hell of a lot of the time most parents are just winging it and hoping for the best outcome for their children, and news like this can really throw them off, and they lack the "parenting tools" (how very modern "americanspeak" for "I haven't a clue"), to cope with what's being thrown at them too.

A little cutting each other some slack on both sides and a little understanding shown by both sides, rather than both sides just seeing it from their own personal perspective would make things a hell of a lot easier on everyone, and cool down some of the fractious tension that's going on in that family home right now as we speak.

mattP

What could I say to them so they would let me go see him again? Itll be our last chance for a long time as we're both hitting the study hard from September, and have other things going on too. Any advice from parents might go a long way :c

Severard

I have much respect for you Matt, it takes courage to do what you did, especially at your age. Just let your parents know that this is a part of who you are, I have three friends that are bisexual and they are the most decent people that I know. When your parents say that you are going a phase is so wrong. We don't get to choose who we love. If they really love you and want you to be happy (as they say they do) they should be able to swallow their pride and accept you for who you are.

Annasopra

mattP wrote: »

What could I say to them so they would let me go see him again? Itll be our last chance for a long time as we're both hitting the study hard from September, and have other things going on too. Any advice from parents might go a long way :c

Could you reccomend LOOK to them?


http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/

mattP

Joeytheparrot wrote:

Could you reccomend LOOK to them?

I think that might be a good idea, they do say they want someone to talk about it to,and they have booked a therapy session...

Meesared

That sounds a little ominous, any idea what they have in mind?

mattP

Ive had one meeting with her so far and they've had two, I must say it's done a lot of good. They've even given me permission to see him(okay with a few conditions, but it's better than nothing). My meeting with her was in the middle, she seemed genuinely shocked and appaled by some of the things I told her, and she definitely fought my case for me with them.

Annasopra

That sounds good

eviltwin

mattP wrote: »

Ive had one meeting with her so far and they've had two, I must say it's done a lot of good. They've even given me permission to see him(okay with a few conditions, but it's better than nothing). My meeting with her was in the middle, she seemed genuinely shocked and appaled by some of the things I told her, and she definitely fought my case for me with them.

It's good that you are all communicating but don't let them compromise who you are. Speaking as a parent, I do sympathise with them to an extent but they are going to have to cop on and accept it. They won't be able to control you forever. At 17 your not a child any longer and I think it's disrespectful and demeaning for them to say things about it being a phase. A lot of talk here about respecting them but not much two way traffic on that front. You are equally deserving of being treated with dignity.

jobbridge4life

@MattP that is great, great news. The fact that your parents have shown a willingness to not only learn but to affect change then that truly is the biggest hurdle passed. I echo Eviltwin's point as well though.

otwb1

Matt,

While your parents reaction could have been better, they don't know how long you have been considering your sexual orientation. It's probably years for you, and you can't expect your parents to change the life that they envisaged for you overnight. They will realise that the two lives aren't actually all that different.... but it may take a while.

To be honest, the fact that your current relationship is mostly online/distance probably doesn't help as they can't actually see you in a normal relationship. As life goes on, they'll meet boyfriends as a normal part of your life, and realise that you're just like any other family. Give them time.

mattP

eviltwin wrote:

It's good that you are all communicating but don't let them compromise who you are.

I think all their nagging and b*tching has had an effect on me - I know it isnt a phase but they've planted the seed of doubt because they've said it so much and I just cant shake it. I know it isn't, but now because of them I just have this worry in the back of my mind...

LorMal

eviltwin wrote: »

It's good that you are all communicating but don't let them compromise who you are. Speaking as a parent, I do sympathise with them to an extent but they are going to have to cop on and accept it. They won't be able to control you forever. At 17 your not a child any longer and I think it's disrespectful and demeaning for them to say things about it being a phase. A lot of talk here about respecting them but not much two way traffic on that front. You are equally deserving of being treated with dignity.

You are not an adult at 17.
Secondly, it is absolutely ridiculous to state that this lad's loving parents are being disrespectful and demeaning here.
Are you a parent? Do you know what you are talking about?

LorMal

One eyed Jack wrote: »

I think this is what it means -





How does a person live their life in the "gayest" way possible, let alone the best gayest way possible?

To put it more simply without making being gay the most important thing in his life, the OP should simply be advised to concentrate on making the best life possible for himself.

One of the things that also concerns me about these types of threads is that we're only getting a one sided view of the family dynamic from the perspective of their 17 year old son who's just informed his parents of his sexuality.

When I look back on my parents behaviour towards me when I was in a similar situation, and not much younger than the OP, I was incredibly naive for my age due to having been shielded from an awful lot of the outside world by my parents. I can see now decades later that they were only trying to do what they felt was right for me, to protect me at the time, although with the benefit of hindsight and recidivism (because they were different times, before social media and the penetration of the internet into our daily lives), that they didn't understand that the world was changing more rapidly than they could keep up, and so they were trying to protect me from their experiences in their teenage years.

I can even see myself doing the same with my son, trying desperately to protect him from the influences of social media and the outside world, the adult world, because I feel he isn't ready for that yet, and it's a constant, constant, and very bloody frustrating struggle at times and trying to balance giving him independence while at the same time setting boundaries where he is safe and free within those boundaries, and not just yearly any more but daily, those boundaries are being encroached upon, and he's pushing outward, and tbh at 17 years of age, I would be very concerned about who my son is talking to online because those are outside influences that I have very little control over, and I would be concerned about how he is being influenced by others. We're even doing it here and the OP's parents aren't aware of our influence or how our opinions could influence the OP.

I wouldn't be nearly so quick to assume the family dynamics based upon such little information and I wouldn't be so quick to pass judgment upon the OP's parents for their mistakes, or what you call jb "piss poor parenting". Children don't come with an instruction manual, and no matter how many parenting books a person reads, or parenting websites they're a member of, or groups or whatever else, a hell of a lot of the time most parents are just winging it and hoping for the best outcome for their children, and news like this can really throw them off, and they lack the "parenting tools" (how very modern "americanspeak" for "I haven't a clue"), to cope with what's being thrown at them too.

A little cutting each other some slack on both sides and a little understanding shown by both sides, rather than both sides just seeing it from their own personal perspective would make things a hell of a lot easier on everyone, and cool down some of the fractious tension that's going on in that family home right now as we speak.

That's a really astute, compassionate and sensible post.

eviltwin

LorMal wrote: »

You are not an adult at 17.
Secondly, it is absolutely ridiculous to state that this lad's loving parents are being disrespectful and demeaning here.
Are you a parent? Do you know what you are talking about?

I have direct experience of this because I am a parent and my child is also gay. My child was younger than this poster when she came out and not even my somewhat conservative mother in law insulted her by suggesting it might be just a phase. I knew I liked boys when I was twelve. My daughter says she knew she liked girls at around the same age. At 17 this poster knows who he is attracted too. 17 might legally not be an adult but most 17 yr olds I met know themselves and their own minds. I do sympathise with them as I said but I think they have handled this badly. He's only gay. First world problems.

LorMal

eviltwin wrote: »

I have direct experience of this because I am a parent and my child is also gay. My child was younger than this poster when she came out and not even my somewhat conservative mother in law insulted her by suggesting it might be just a phase. I knew I liked boys when I was twelve. My daughter says she knew she liked girls at around the same age. At 17 this poster knows who he is attracted too. 17 might legally not be an adult but most 17 yr olds I met know themselves and their own minds. I do sympathise with them as I said but I think they have handled this badly. He's only gay. First world problems.

Fair enough.
However, it is divisive, assumptive and potentially destructive to label their reaction as 'disrespectful' and 'demeaning'.
As another poster put it, we do not know all the facts and we are hearing one side. It is my view that we should be encouraging positive dialogue here and not potentially exacerbating an already difficult situation.

jobbridge4life

LorMal wrote: »

You are not an adult at 17.
Secondly, it is absolutely ridiculous to state that this lad's loving parents are being disrespectful and demeaning here.
Are you a parent? Do you know what you are talking about?

Are you gay? Or do you just like to post on everything to do with gay people?

MattP is the individual in the situation and he has clearly felt it was disrespectful and demeaning so unless I'll chose to put my faith in the testimony of the person actually involved in the situation.

jobbridge4life

LorMal wrote: »

Fair enough.
However, it is divisive, assumptive and potentially destructive to label their reaction as 'disrespectful' and 'demeaning'.
As another poster put it, we do not know all the facts and we are hearing one side. It is my view that we should be encouraging positive dialogue here and not potentially exacerbating an already difficult situation.

Sit down... and put the keyboard away. You know nothing about this situation and you have after initially demanding another poster provide her credentials just totally ignored her position which is infinitely more well informed than yours. Get another hobby.

Thetruth7

OP I'm sure your parents will come around in time. Hang in there

eviltwin

Thetruth7 wrote: »

I think it's unfair to ask someone their sexuality as regardless of their sexuality everyone's opinion should be treated equally and the OP's story includes gay and straight people so it's wrong to think a straight persons opinion is less valuable,it's wrong to box people.

I'd give more credit to the responses of gay posters who have been where the OP was and might be able to advise him. Everyone else can have an opinion but there is probably a reason he posted it here and not in PI.

LorMal

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Are you gay? Or do you just like to post on everything to do with gay people?

MattP is the individual in the situation and he has clearly felt it was disrespectful and demeaning so unless I'll chose to put my faith in the testimony of the person actually involved in the situation.

Is there a hierarchy of gayness where only gays can have an opinion on some issues? I was posting as a parent who has a son the same age of the OP