Stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship

Irishgirl12345

I’m 30 years old and with my bf 3 years now on and off going threw the same cycles.. He is emotionally unavailable and struggled with drink on and off. Since the start its been a completely unhealthy relationship and I never felt loved or secure. Thing is we have lots of history since we were young and he can be so nice and sweet and make me laugh more than anyone ever could. But I know it’s not enough I feel like my life is slipping away and I’m getting nowhere. All my friends are having kids and I’m afraid I’ll never get the chance. I want to move out and face that this will never work but I’m afraid that I’m making the wrong choice as I do love him so so much. Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is not like anything I’ve ever experienced. I’ve had other long term boyfriends and was always well able to deal with reality and breakups before but this is so different and I’m lost and confused and need help to know what is right for me.

TheBiz

When have you ever heard of someone being happy in an emotionally abusive relationship?
You don't, you never do. And if your not happy why stay?

You can't cling onto a relationship solely because the guy was good a few years back.
Your being held back.. Move on, you'll be happier because of it

Irishgirl12345

TheBiz wrote: »

When have you ever heard of someone being happy in an emotionally abusive relationship?
You don't, you never do. And if your not happy why stay?

You can't cling onto a relationship solely because the guy was good a few years back.
Your being held back.. Move on, you'll be happier because of it

I meant he was good now a days, sometimes very thoughtful when he wants to be, but if I'm honest it's 90% bad. I think it's that 10% that gives the glimmer of hope that I cling onto to try convince myself it can get better and I stay saying to myself I'll give it another few weeks.

It's frustrating that he has no drive to change things and make life better for himself never mind me.

I guess it's just trying to come to terms with the fact I won't be with him forever and try believe it's for the best.

Irishgirl12345

I think it's an emotionally abusive relationship anyways, meaning he is often cold, distant, dissmive, untrusting , suspicious and basically gives me no level of respect, closeness or affection.

Just in case I'm classing it wrong

Typer Monkey

You're ultimately responsible for your own happiness so the responsibility is on you to leave. You have time to meet someone else who treats you well to be the father to your children. If you have children with this man you'll be intentionally bringing them into an unhappy and unhealthy environment and that's really not fair. How could they grow up happy, secure and emotionally healthy with that start and example in life?

JeffKenna

You need to take responsibility for your own life. Based on your description of this guy you obviously don't love him so be fair to him as well.

Irishgirl12345

Thanks for your replies.

I do love him but those things I listed are also the harsh reality.
I guess I've excused his bad behaviour on him being messed up mentally and he didn't want to act or live this way and I'd see glimmers of a sweet person that keeps you hopeful.

Was awake half the night and just woke now and meant to be packing and leaving today but dunno do I have the strength.
He will start begging me not to go, cry and give me all the empty promises in the world. This cycle has happened before so I know, and every other time none of those talks made any difference. But im sick in my stomach still wondering am I right to leave the man I love so much. I feel like I'm going a bit insane as I am seeing all sides of the argument and can't process a plan that I'm happy about and feel is right.

This is just so confusing. 3 years of this bizarre relationship has took its toll on me, I honestly thought I'd marry this man and it would all work out perfectly. The longer it goes on this seems less likely and more a pipe dream

anewme

You might love him but you should love yourself more and not settle for less than you deserve.

kylith

You're in a good position to leave, the only thing keeping you stuck with him is you. Tell him it's over and move on. If you live with him move out. Block him on your phone and on social media. Make a list of why you're unhappy and keep it in mind to stop yourself from giving in. You know his promises are meaningless. Talk to your family and friends and lean on them for support. If you stay with him not only will you never be happy but it will get worse and over time you will get more and more bitter. You're 30 now, if you want to have children you need to get away now and work on what makes you happy so that you can find someone who will make you happy.

Unfortunately sometimes love isn't enough and you have to walk away for your own good.

Taltos

Right now you have 10% good him.
In 5 years it will be 7%
In another 5 it will be 5%
In another 5 it will be 2%
and then finally it will be 0%

And you'll be you, wondering where the last 20 years have gone. Why you feel so alone and surely you deserve to be with someone who shows more warmth to a piece of toast that he does to you, at least when he's telling you to stop interrupting the TV or something else.

No OP, there really is NO reason to stay with him. Promises are empty and will only come out because he sees he'll be left alone and will have to find someone else to twist to his idea of a relationship.

Irishgirl12345

Thanks everyone, I came on to check yer replies in the middle of talking/arguing and it has given me strength. Packing my things and moving out is so draining and I'm not 100% with my decision but I think I know in my gut it's right to leave and follow through and your words definitely helped

vertmann

Don't tell him you're thinking of leaving because he'll just turn on the waterworks again, promise you the sun, moon and stars and manipulate you into staying. He has had his chance many times over and has shown that he's not capable of being the boyfriend you want him to be.

For the leaving part, it would be great if he works or is gone out of the house for several hours on a given day. That'd give you time to get your things together and get out of there. If you can at all, please turn to someone you can trust and confide in. Is there anybody in your family who'd help or a trusted friend? It would be easier for you at this difficult time if you had moral support.

mapaca

He only treats you well 10% of the time? You never felt secure and loved? You would be better off alone than staying miserable with this guy.
Can you wait till he's out of the house to do your packing, etc? If he's not there he can't manipulate you into staying. Have you somewhere to go - family, friends? Someone to help you move your stuff? Access to money/bank account? Just take one step at a time, be brave, and you'll be starting your new life soon! Best of luck.

Irishgirl12345

Thanks everyone, I have started packing and he is promising the moon and stars to try get me to stay. I considered waiting till Monday to move while he was at work but felt like I was putting it off and also I do love him so felt like he deserved to hear in person I'm leaving rather than leave a note.

I still have this niggling doubt that I'm throwing away the man I'm meant to be with. I know he loves me in his own ****ed up way but he isn't capable of the basic fundamentals I need for a happy relationship.

vertmann

Is there anyone belonging to you who can come around and help? Keep him at bay. He's going to be in your ear all day now and I fear for you. It would not surprise me if you've decided to stay by the time midnight tonight comes around.

Irishgirl12345

My parents are well aware and said they will do all they can to help once I decide to leave. They will be able to drive up to help me move in an hour or two and I'll stay at theirs until I find a place of my own in the city.
Even though I know they are empty promises they are still ringing in my ears making me doubt my decision. Once I get emotional I lose all my strength. But these replies are deco helping get back on track... The next few hours won't be nice but I think I have to do it..

Why did I bring so much crap into this house, now I'm trying to pack it seems a never ending task!!

The Princess Bride

Why don't you just take the absolute necessities for now and leave.
When you've the physical presence of family or friends,and you're feeling emotionally stronger return for the rest.
Best of luck - taking this initial stop is the most difficult but it will get easier.
Well done you.

Irishgirl12345

That might be an option alright. I'll try finish upstairs anyways as he is downstairs so at least then I've it mostly done. I just hope this is the right decision but i think the fact I'm posting on this forum asking for help makes it fairly clear

florawest

Good luck, don't worry about the material things, your emotional/mental well being is more important, the time has come for you to be true to yourself and kind too. We all make mistakes, for some love works out great, others myself included not so good, thought I could/would have been enough to overcome all his crap, two decades later called a halt to relationship after lot of mental abuse and bit physical abuse, have lovely children, great friends and family support, five years later, he still can text some nasty ones as children sees him when it is suitable for him, I say TG we live apart, sorry about long post you will be fine,

Irishgirl12345

I have my stuff half packed my and I'm starting to feel very uneasy about my decision. I feel like a physco now since my mind is going 90 thinking it's the right decision and few mins later I feel like it's a bad one and want his promises to be true..

I can't think straight and just want to have the strength to know what is right.

vertmann

Please pick up the phone and give your parents a call right now. You are making the right decision but you've got to follow through on this. So before you pack another thing, please pick up the phone and call them, OK?

As for your stuff - there is no chance you'll get all your things packed today. Trust me - I've moved house. It takes forever My advice to you is to take with you the things that are important. Your passport, your birth cert, other documentation that you could do with. Family photos and other items that are of sentimental value to you. Most of the rest are items that can be replaced.

Irishgirl12345

vertmann wrote: »

Please pick up the phone and give your parents a call right now. You are making the right decision but you've got to follow through on this. So before you pack another thing, please pick up the phone and call them, OK?

As for your stuff - there is no chance you'll get all your things packed today. Trust me - I've moved house. It takes forever My advice to you is to take with you the things that are important. Your passport, your birth cert, other documentation that you could do with. Family photos and other items that are of sentimental value to you. Most of the rest are items that can be replaced.

The only thing is my parents are afraid to force me to make the decision and move out because we have been threw this situation more than once and I felt like I was pressured into leaving last time and they don't want me to feel like that and want it to be my own decision, which I totally understand but also don't know if I'm capable of following threw on that decision because of the uncertainty and emotions in the mix.

vertmann

Yes but this time it is your decision. All you are looking for is a bit of moral support and help right now. You know in your heart that leaving your boyfriend is the right thing to do. It is a very very hard thing to do because you love him. Please, pick up the phone and call your parents. You need all the help you can get right now. You are in a very vulnerable position right now. You're alone in your home with him, your mind going 90mph and full of self-doubt. He'll have you unpacking your stuff by the time it's dark, mark my words.

vertmann

Or if you don't want to ring your parents, just grab the important things and go now. Don't engage with your boyfriend. Just go.

Irishgirl12345

I rang them and they will be here in next half hour to help me move, I still feel full of uncertainty and afraid I'm making the wrong decision. I know it's so stupid of me at the same time but I'm just an emotional wreck now. Usually people have good relationships up until a point when something happens that makes it bad and you have strength and anger to leave, but nothing has happened to help me be strong it's just sailing threw life feeling like I'm just wasting time and getting nowhere but clinging onto hope that he will change

vertmann

Well done. I'm glad you called them. It's not going to be easy after everything you have been through but you are making the right decision for you. If you stay with this man you will be throwing away your future happiness. For some reason this particular individual has really gotten in under your skin and you're finding it hard to rid him from your life.

Your parents won't mind that they've been through this with you before if this time you stay away. They love you and they want what's best for you. You aren't going to find the happiness you deserve if you stay. You said you want a family too. If you leave today and get over this man you've helped your chances of getting what you deserve enormously.

vertmann

Just to add: you should seriously think about blocking his number once you go because he's likely to be perstering you. Or would you consider leaving your phone with your mum or dad in the short term so that you'll not be tempted to talk or text him?

The Princess Bride

Irishgirl12345 wrote: »

Since the start its been a completely unhealthy relationship and I never felt loved or secure.

You wrote this.

When you feel low or vulnerable remember this and move on.
With every day it will get easier . You're still very young and you deserve happiness and to feel loved and wanted.

One day at a time.

vertmann

How about printing out this thread if you've got access to a printer? Keep it in your pocket or in your bag ready for those moments of weakness and doubt.

Irishgirl12345

Well I did it. Just in car on way to parents house now (not driving obviously). It was so hard and im still not 100% sure of it but i mostly think it was for the best. seeing him sitting there so lonely and heartbroken is getting to me but I'm trying to tell myself i felt like that for ling enough.

Ye actually have been a great help with ur advice. Im so really grateful for yer support
.

Taltos

Doubt is totally natural OP.
You are going to be second guessing yourself on this for quite a while.
What will help is if you can find someone to talk to - someone who'll just listen to you and let you get it all out.

I'm not kidding when I say your post above just made my day. Seeing someone with the strength to do what you did made me really proud of you and I don't know you from Adam.

Take the next while slowly, you are going to have to rebuild your own identity and confidence. Finding a caring professional to help you might speed it up but keep your family close for the next while. And don't read or reply to texts, emails etc. If at all possible turn off your phone or block his number for a bit. Today is tough, tomorrow might be easier but some of the tough days are going to test you. Be prepared for that but think back on the fact that you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel special and loved all the time not just when it suits them.

The Princess Bride

Now that you've taken this step,OP, you'll be left with the "what if " questions. What if he changes?What if things improve?What if I never find someone else?

I'm sure your self esteem has taken a knocking so I'd recommend you speak with a counsellor to help you through the days when you're most vulnerable.
There will be many of those, but having made this decision today, you've just bought yourself many decades of happiness.
Stay strong and keep reminding yourself of your worth.

Irishgirl12345

I have him blocked off all social networks now and will change my number tomorrow. Still feel very anxious and confused. Just have to sort name off lease and close joint bank acc on Monday, im off till Tuesday so it gives me time to try process it.

I was never someone who would post on a forum like this looking for help and the fact that I did showed me that this situation is not right at all. And I really am so touched how ye gave me the push and words of support I needed so i am so very grateful I did make this thread and again very grateful for yer support.

Mam of 4

No words of wisdom but can I just say you are SO much stronger than you might think you are . To make that decision to leave , and to act upon it , Well Done you !
Took me too many years to come to that decision so be proud of yourself , don't doubt your decision , it will be hard for a while - thinking what if?maybe he will change? Don't listen to those doubts at all.

Look after yourself , stay strong and positive.

acon2119

The very best of luck to you. May you find the strength to do whats best for your longterm happiness, and may you meet a wonderful man that will give himself to you wholeheartedly:):):)

kylith

It's normal to have doubts, but just focus on why you're leaving in the first place. Something my dad said when I was going through a breakup, which really helped me focus was 'He promised you the moon and stars, but he's never even gotten you the paper'.

Irishgirl12345

Well I'm in bed now on night 1 to hopefully a better life... tonight has been patchy but i kept myself distracted so i was stronger than i thought id be but very very anxious. I hope i can get some sleep as i feel so out of sorts and place and imagine waking here tomorrow will feel very strange but ill take it one day at a time.

kylith

You'll wake up one morning soon and realise that it was the best decision you ever made.

vertmann

Well done. It was a gutsy thing you did yesterday. It took real courage to pack your things, ring your parents and walk out of there. You are going to be out of sorts for a while but you know that. Your life has just undergone a massive change. Don't be afraid to open up to the people around you if you need to talk. Or come back to this thread if you want. The important thing is that you don't bottle it all up.

I think the very first line of this thread says a lot "I’m 30 years old and with my bf 3 years now on and off going through the same cycles.. He is emotionally unavailable and struggled with drink on and off. Since the start its been a completely unhealthy relationship and I never felt loved or secure" In other words, this was a horrible relationship from the very start. What the three years tells me is that you gave him and the relationship every chance but it didn't work. You are now walking away knowing that it was going nowhere. He treated you badly, reeled you in with empty promises then returned to normal. Nothing would have changed no matter what you had tried - the pattern was well established. Don't ever forget that the relationship was 90% of awfulness. Even the worst of people have their charming sides and there are always shades of grey. But yeah, 90% is a damning indictment.

mapaca

Well done! I was so glad to read that you have made the break. You are now back in control of your life. Be kind to yourself for the next while, keep busy, do things you enjoy, catch up with friends. Onwards and upwards.

Irishgirl12345

Well didn't get much sleep last night..he text me once and I deleted it and blocked his number straight away. But my friend just got in contact saying he has been in touch with her pouring out how lost he is and how his world revolves around me etc,

I told her hearing this wasn't helpful as these things as much as id love to be true, I have heard them before and his world clearly didn't revolve around me. So this has upset me and made me fill with doubt again but i know ill follow through on my decision now ive done it no matter how low i feel. I can never face going through a day like yesterday ever again.

thanks once again for all yer support. Ye have really helped me in a big way... this thread kept me going when i was doubting if i could follow threw with it yesterday and no matter how unsure i feel about it i think deep down my gut tells me I deserve better and he isnt capable of giving me the relationship i want

vertmann

Oh dear - what a pity your friend passed on that information. What sort of an eejit is she? I hope if he tried to pull that stunt with anyone else in your circle, that they'll have more sense than your friend. I've no doubt he's upset but what he's suffering from is self-pity. He had his chance many times over and proved that his only way of dealing with you was in a mostly negative way. It would not surprise me if he tries to get in touch with you again in a different way. Would he be the sort who'd show up at your workplace or on your doorstep?

Stay positive - you will get through this. You've got the right attitude and that'll take you a long way. He is the idiot who threw everything away and he will have to live with the consequences. He's not your problem now .

Irishgirl12345

I know i asked my friend in future to not entertain him and i certainty dont wanna hear it as it is not helpful at all and only upsetting. I understand she is frustrated and wanted to give her two cents on the subject also so i told her i understood but in future tell him ur not gettin involved.

He is wallowing in self pity now as he knows it is majorly his fault but he only sees this when it is too late and ive left him.. ive been threw this once or twice before with him and it is the same pattern and im trying my best to accept that fact.

florawest

Yea, sometimes we think its easier to deal with what/who in the past rather than starting fresh, but fresh chapter, we will doubt ourselves for a while and society seems to be all couples because when we are single we notice couples more, But are they all happy, some probably and some not, so well done, get some counselling when you are ready and burn the ears off those friends and family, write letters to your ex, explaining all you went through Then Burn them, helped in my situation, if you could go on a short break away, pamper yourself and treat yourself weekly, spend time with your mum, enjoy the simple things/pleasures in life , good luck you have the strength and the help to survive and be happier than the last few years, warmest wishes to you

ladygirl

OP I was in your exact situation 5 years ago. I was in a horrible relationship and for some stupid reason I was actually waiting for something to happen for him to end it.. In the end - I just left. Of course I had doubts but when I look back I cant believe how I stayed with him for over 3 years..

I was single for 2 years afterwards and was really happy in myself. Then one night I met my current partner and I finally know what a healthy relationship is.

I always feel loved and wanted, as does he. I know I am his priority, there is no jealousy or insecurity. We hardly ever argue and when we do its a simple disagreement. No raised voices ,hysterics or name calling/belittling.

Remember OP you are not throwing away the last 3 years - you are simply taking back the rest of your life. It will get easier and just know that you deserve better!!!

Best of Luck
xxx

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Read through your posts and felt I needed to reply. I have been where you are at. Only for me, I spent over 15 years in my relationship. 15 years of believing, of wanting the bull**** to the true and it never is.

Let me tell you, he is never going to change in his relationship with you. No matter what hoops you jump through, nothing you ever do EVER, will be enough for him, he'll just expect more and more and more. Right now he is playing a waiting game, for he believes in his head that he will win you back, that you will "come round"…because you have allowed yourself to be treated in this way for 3 years now. You have contributed to him thinking it's acceptable and that you're worth nothing more than the crumbs he throws at you, when it suits him.

Do you know what a decent relationship is? Because by the time I was finished I hadn't a clue. My belief in relationships was so warped, when I look back now I can't even believe myself.

For you - you MUST stay away from this man. You really need to put yourself first here. I know it's so so hard but please, please stay away from him. Look, take every single day as it comes, take every minute of every hour as it comes if you have to because you have a long long road ahead of you. And what is making it such a massive undertaking is that you are second guessing yourself, you don't even want to be away from him…you're hoping right now that he has learned his lesson and he will change and show you. But please don't think that there will be a happy ending here. The only ending you'll ever get with this man is misery, a lifetime of sorrow and regret.

Give yourself a good year to think about yourself, don't even entertain becoming involved with anyone in that time, because you have a long process to work through. If you're serious about staying away, it mith be helpful to go to counselling where you can work through a lot of stuff for yourself. Really focus on you…try and remember the person you were before you were with this man…just love yourself now. Put all that energy into looking after and nurturing yourself.

The fact you've already tried to leave a couple of times is a good thing, because you can learn from those experiences. Failure to change is a very healthy thing, so be thankful for those trial runs that have got you to where you are now. You see that he never changed those times and all that happened was the same bull**** again. So from these get the strength to say no. To keep him blocked from your phone etc. Keep telling yourself that no matter what, you were never going to be happy there. You might get the odd 5 minutes of happiness in a week, or even a month…is that all your life is worth?

To this day I still think about that relationship I was in. Some days I feel guilty, I relive so much of it in my head. But I am free. I now have two beautiful children I would never have had if I'd have stayed. I now know what a healthy and decent, supportive and loving relationship is. Please God you find out too.

Really look after yourself OP.

Irishgirl12345

Thank you so much for yer kind words, hearing other people's stories really helps me see the light and stay hopeful !!

The last two days have been up and down I tried to stay as busy as possible and that mostly worked. He has tried contacting me in every way possible, I have figuered out how to block his number so I won't get anymore but I also got a fb mail today off a girl he is friends with trying to "talk" to me on his behalf, I didn't read it and deleted it so I could mail her back saying politely I didn't want to hear and I've heard it all before and I would appreciate if she didn't get involved and contact me for him. This is normal behaviour for him when we are finished and really annoys me (and he well knows this, yet always does it), so for the most part I feel strong enough today that I made the right decision and trying to accept that it will be hard and the doubt is normal and something I just have to process. I'm just trying to brainwash myself but think I'm doing a good job so far, just hope it lasts.

Tomorrow I'm back to work so a bit anxious about that and getting to sleep tonight but said I'd check in and so glad I did as it was a bit of positivity before bed

Eeden

Stay strong, you are doing so well.