Lies! Lies! Lies!

Neyite

Last night I served up pork. Toddler wailed that he doesn't like pork so went back into the kitchen, pushed it around a bit and came out with his chicken, which he subsequently ate seconds and thirds of. Said he loved the chicken.

Other lies I've told:

Ice-cream van plays the music when its bedtime.
Everyone on Netflix and childrens TV goes to bed at 7pm.
Broccoli is elf trees.

What's your best parental porkies?

the dark ken night

You're not adopted

One eyed Jack

That pork/chicken idea was brilliant!

Hmm, so many to choose from... :pac:

Whenever my wife used go away on holiday and we had to tell our child she'll be back in a few minutes. It usually only kicked in at bedtime that he figured something was amiss

"We can go to Burger King after you help me with the shopping"

He'd usually have forgotten all about BK by the time we were done because I was able to distract him telling him he'd done a great job with the shopping (at least that much wasn't a lie )

January

The ice cream man plays music only when he's out of ice cream.

bp

Mammy goes to work and baby goes to baby creche while you go to creche :-)

Maglight

Santa doesn't bring pets for Christmas because they would fall out of the sleigh and get hurt
Santa makes toys like a ball or a doll, but if you ask for a branded toy ie. this year's must have short supply toy, then he has to buy them in the shop like everyone else. That means a. it may not be available and b. it's more expensive than toys made in the north pole, so you get less of them

The second one got me out of trouble many times

Neyite

Another:

"There's no chocolate in the house"

MrsGoose

January wrote: »

The ice cream man plays music only when he's out of ice cream.

Yep I use this all the time but it backfired when the van pulled up outside the door and stopped playing the music.

Also

Eating sweets makes you shrink back to being a baby.
Chocolate is the devils poo
The Cake is spicy tastes like chillies

Xdancer

I use the pork/chicken one too. Turkey was also chicken until one day I served it and told my 3 year old it was chicken. Her reply?? That's not chicken mama, it's turkey. But it's ok I like turkey.

She still can't tell the difference between pork and chicken though

nikpmup

An auntie lie; my niece decided she was allergic to tuna. I told her that the picture of the dolphin on the tin meant that it was safe for people who were allergic to tuna. She still believes it at 11.

tickingclock

I've an 18 month old so too young for lies!! I will refer to this thread as reference and for a giggle when the time comes!

Spread the love

I have a friend who served up fish as 'chicken' until the wee ones copped on at about age 8 or 9!

Neyite

I love the ones where the kids are hoodwinked for years - better yet, right into adulthood.

I've just told him that the shops don't open until 11. I came across a good one I'll use down the line: Adults drink black coke and children have white coke (sparkling water). Though asking for white coke might raise an eyebrow or two!

IvyTheTerrible

Maglight wrote: »

Santa doesn't bring pets for Christmas because they would fall out of the sleigh and get hurt
Santa makes toys like a ball or a doll, but if you ask for a branded toy ie. this year's must have short supply toy, then he has to buy them in the shop like everyone else. That means a. it may not be available and b. it's more expensive than toys made in the north pole, so you get less of them

The second one got me out of trouble many times

Haha my parents used the second one all the time!

Neyite wrote: »

Another:

"There's no chocolate in the house"

My 3 year has copped on to this one, and asks me to open the presses in the kitchen to prove there are no sweets! No flies on him!

silja

"Grandma isn't coming to visit until your room is clean, she has special powers that let her know when it is ready."
"Oh you wouldn't like this (really yummy food I want for myself, it tastes like (other food she hates)."
Whenever I give them juice (which we water down), she usually says it is too watery or gone off in the summer. Husband likes to argue that it is fresh, I just go back to the kitchen, run the tap or open and close the fridge, and come back out with "fresh" juice.

The Princess Bride

Santa glued the shoes to Barbie's feet before he put her in the box,so that your baby brother wouldn't choke on the shoes.

Santa has a special video recorder in every room and is always watching to make sure you're behaving.(Me, pointing at vent.)

Don't touch that feather, it's a rat's feather.( Crow's yukky feather.)

johnny osbourne

when my nephew was picking his nose too much i told him i'd seen a boy in germany who picked his nose too much and it fell off,

pablo128

We got our daughter to 'swap' her soother with Santa for her presents when she was 2. It worked a treat!

January

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Santa glued the shoes to Barbie's feet before he put her in the box,so that your baby brother wouldn't choke on the shoes.

Santa has a special video recorder in every room and is always watching to make sure you're behaving.(Me, pointing at vent.)

Don't touch that feather, it's a rat's feather.( Crow's yukky feather.)

This is genius.

galah

Just spent ages spreading glitter etc to make our little one believe the soother fairy came to pick up his dummy and leave a present...:p

Closely followed by the tooth fairy ( it's like a fairy helipad in here...) for a tooth he had to get extracted - fairy picked up the tooth at the dentist and then came straight over to drop present. (Wise word of the day: according to my dentist, watered down juice is just as bad as undiluted juice :eek: )

Jellybaby1

When I was a child, my mother told me that the cat had run away. In fact, every cat we had, had run away! I only found out the truth decades later!!

hdowney

Jellybaby1 wrote:

When I was a child, my mother told me that the cat had run away. In fact, every cat we had, had run away! I only found out the truth decades later!!

Dunno about that one (granted I am an adult but....) I think I'd feel pretty shoite that kitty didn't love me anymore and ran away?

cbyrd

I told my eldest girl when she was 7 that cauliflower makes your hair grow faster... about 3 weeks ago she repeated this to my partners kids... they had a good laugh cos she's 16 now and didn't realize I was lying :eek::pac::pac: she had a good laugh though at how gullible she was

Chocolate fiend

I tell mine that a fat man in a red suit comes into our house every year and leaves them lots of presents, the 7 year old has realised it is a lie but, the 6 and 3 year old are still fully invested

Jellybaby1

I found the Christmas lie was something I should never have done when my little son at the age of 8 asked me for the truth, as he had heard things in school. When I told him, his little face looked so tragic, my heart broke for him.

Chocolate fiend

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

I found the Christmas lie was something I should never have done when my little son at the age of 8 asked me for the truth, as he had heard things in school. When I told him, his little face looked so tragic, my heart broke for him.

I think if you don't overplay it it can play out nicely and with minimum upset for everyone involved. People go to all sorts of lengths to keep children believing and that just makes it harder when the truth does come out.

I found out when I was 5 and it never ruined the magic of Christmas for me because Santa wasn't the only thing that made christmas amazing before that.

ellejay

Neyite wrote: »

I love the ones where the kids are hoodwinked for years - better yet, right into adulthood.

Well my dad told me that iceberg lettuce was grown in alaska or if in ireland, a big freezer. I believed that til about 17 ears old.

zeffabelli

Carrots help you see in the dark.

Jellybaby1

zeffabelli wrote: »

Carrots help you see in the dark.

Ah, but they do. After a lifetime of eating carrots, in my 60's now, and still don't wear glasses!!

dark crystal

My little fella had an awful habit of not flushing the toilet after he used it, so I told him if he didn't flush, that wee and poo worms would form and try to get out of the toilet. He's flushed ever since!

Trying to get him to brush his teeth was a constant battle, so I told him the tooth fairy only took ones that smelled like toothpaste, as unwashed teeth were like poison to them. Gleaming gnashers every night now

Stheno

This thread is hilarious.

I lived on a dangerous road when I was a kid, so a few dogs we had got killed on the road.

They all went to" live on a farm so they'd be able to run about"

nikpmup

dark crystal wrote: »

My little fella had an awful habit of not flushing the toilet after he used it, so I told him if he didn't flush, that wee and poo worms would form and try to get out of the toilet. He's flushed ever since!

Trying to get him to brush his teeth was a constant battle, so I told him the tooth fairy only took ones that smelled like toothpaste, as unwashed teeth were like poison to them. Gleaming gnashers every night now

This is genius. I'll be stealing it all.

Stheno

nikpmup wrote: »

This is genius. I'll be stealing it all.

I'm gonna steal it for OHs adult kids.

Any lies I can tell a couple of twenty year olds who won't rinse plates/empty ashtrays?

I'm considering removal of same and forcing them out of the house/ to eat with their fingers?

OU812

Most recent one was "Chicken isn't made from Chickens" (She's recently started to put 2+2 together about certain things & dammit if I'm not gonna make that =5 for a while)

Stheno

OU812 wrote: »

Most recent one was "Chicken isn't made from Chickens" (She's recently started to put 2+2 together about certain things & dammit if I'm not gonna make that =5 for a while)

The OH had this for years, he used love duck, but his daughter cried if he ordered duck, so he did a secret deal with the local chinese that if he ordered the special it meant duck.

These days said daughter has loads of allergies, and we are known as "house special, black pepper no prawn, chicken fried rice, no egg" according top a slightly indiscreet member of staff

They literally see us coming and key that into the order

Mountainsandh

When the tooth fairy didn't call after I was on a night out and Mr M didn't mention any special duties on my return, that was because the tooth wasn't wrapped up properly. If the wrapping looks like an old tissue how can you expect her to know about it ?

And once the poor fairy must have got an awful fright because our giant cat must have been there, so we now take extra care to click the door of the bedroom shut on tooth fairy nights.

Also, you only grow when you sleep, and the Robin outside is indeed watching you and reporting to Santa (they brought that back from school, I just confirm )

foggy_lad

Have a niece who used to chew and eat her hair till it was destroyed so my sister got shampoo that would make it less tasty for her.

my niece noticed the new shampoo and my sister told her not to eat her hair until it dried or she would get sick, then told her that the shampoo would stop her eating her hair.

My niece went berserk and screamed the house down and had to be put out in the garden/cooler and her last comment was "I'm calling the guards on you because mammys are not allowed to poison their children":D

Akrasia

My 'little lie' is a bit darker than your ones

I tell my children that there is an evil wizard who lives in a cave and he feeds off the tears of children

The rules of this evil wizard are very important though. He never comes at night, He only comes when children cry about silly things (tantrums) and the one thing that can make him go away is a child's laughter.

If my kids are whinging about something silly like 'I want to drink from the blue cup, not this green one" I remind them 'Oh, I can feel the evil wizard getting stronger!"

Before anyone calls child protective services, my kids love spooky stories and they're always asking me to tell them about him.

Akrasia

OU812 wrote: »

Most recent one was "Chicken isn't made from Chickens" (She's recently started to put 2+2 together about certain things & dammit if I'm not gonna make that =5 for a while)

I like to screw with them.

"Yes son, chickens are made from meat, but so are we... Now good night, pleasant dreams "

hairyslug

When I was young I hated fish so when dinner was served I was told it was "chicken spelt F-I-S-H"

Neyite

Stheno wrote: »

I'm gonna steal it for OHs adult kids.

Any lies I can tell a couple of twenty year olds who won't rinse plates/empty ashtrays?

I'm considering removal of same and forcing them out of the house/ to eat with their fingers?

Nah, if you remove the plates, you'll crack before they will. Change the wifi password instead. Place will be gleaming

Redpunto

Broccoli is little trees, and if you don't wipe your bum your bum will fall off.

I also stay in the car park for the 3 hours when my little one is in playschool.

A2LUE42

The one about the elderly dog going to live out its days on a farm in the country.

Owryan

Like the one about the tooth fairy only taking clean teeth.

When my kids nanny passed away I told them she was now in heaven working as santys secret spy watching their behaviour. Santy also gave nanny special access to his naughty/nice list.

Cheese Free Pizza.

Kiddo claimed he didn't like cheese so couldn't eat pizza. So I started buying "cheese free pizza" and he loved it. I only told him when I realised he would be able to read the packaging himself soon enough

Neyite

"No, pet, I've NO idea where your Peppa Pig tin whistle went to"

tickingclock

Neyite wrote: »

"No, pet, I've NO idea where your Peppa Pig tin whistle went to"

Yep we got a similar one from Santa. There's no volume button on it and it's incredibly loud. It's currently in hiding! !

pwurple

"Mammies have eyes in the back of their heads". I told her that once when she was making a giant noisy mess and i was facing the other way.

Years later I am still getting asked to "close your back eyes too" when we play hide and seek.

January

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Cheese Free Pizza.

Kiddo claimed he didn't like cheese so couldn't eat pizza. So I started buying "cheese free pizza" and he loved it. I only told him when I realised he would be able to read the packaging himself soon enough

Oh tomato sauce on pizza is pizza gravy here. She hates tomato sauce but loves gravy.

porsche boy

Dunno if anyone else does this but we tell the kids mammy and daddy have to pay santa for the presents. Wife's idea. Stops them going mad looking for everything.

Xdancer

porsche boy wrote: »

Dunno if anyone else does this but we tell the kids mammy and daddy have to pay santa for the presents. Wife's idea. Stops them going mad looking for everything.

That's what we were told when I was a child. I'm from a large family, so my parents had to do something to keep it affordable. I think it's a great idea, and as far as I can remember we always got what we asked for. Saved my parents having to buy multiple bikes for one Christmas