Come and blow off some steam... have a good rant

stickybean

Hope this is okay... but I thought it might be useful to have a thread dedicated to ranting. Not sure about everyone else, but if one more person tells me to relax and it will just happen.... or my cousins, fathers, hairdresser's sister was just about to go for IVF and guess what??? They got pregnant....

I find coming on here sometimes to blow of a little steam actually really helps. And chatting to people who are going through something similar makes me feel, well less alone if I am honest!

So today's "rant"... I called a good (pregnant) friend of mine last night, she knows we are TTC for almost 4 years. My periods late (no I am not pregnant - its all stress and anxiety) and we are due to start IVF. I wasn't looking for her to say anything to make me feel better. I didn't even wasn't to talk about it, I was just calling to say hi.

She asked how I was and I told her... now not sure if it was her hormones, or she just wasn't thinking, but she actually said to me... Do you really think it is worth all this stress? I mean it's been a long time now. Maybe its just not meant to be.

Shocked I made an excuse and ended the call.

Neyite

Oh I remember the "relax" comment. :mad: Funnily enough nearly always trotted out by people who decided to TTC and within 3 months had their BFP every time. Other gems over the years include:

"Maybe you're just not meant to be a mother."

"Ya know what will sort your infertility? A NOVENA!!!"(said by someone who I barely knew and I have yet to find out which one of my family blabbed)

"Why don't ye just adopt?" :rolleyes:

brokensoul

A girl I know keeps asking me, with a little head tilt, "and how are you, really" when inquiring about my ttc.

I know she means well, but one of these days I will shove her tilting head through a wall!!!

I know that she would like to be in a relationship but I don't f**king ask her about her love life every time we meet.



Oh, and my crazy sister in law who asked me at a family dinner if I had any news and when I said no asked if I would consider IVF. This on the day that I found out that my second IUI had failed.

She could do with having her head shoved through a wall too.

(Ohhhhh, that felt good!)

Penny Dreadful

brokensoul wrote: »

A girl I know keeps asking me, with a little head tilt, "and how are you, really" when inquiring about my ttc.

I know she means well, but one of these days I will shove her tilting head through a wall!!!
(Ohhhhh, that felt good!)

I call that the "palliative care head tilt". It usually comes with "how are we today?" We? It's just me, so please stop with the "we".

Neyite wrote: »

Oh I remember the "relax" comment. :mad: Funnily enough nearly always trotted out by people who decided to TTC and within 3 months had their BFP every time. Other gems over the years include:

"Maybe you're just not meant to be a mother."

"Ya know what will sort your infertility? A NOVENA!!!"(said by someone who I barely knew and I have yet to find out which one of my family blabbed)

"Why don't ye just adopt?" :rolleyes:

Cause babies are just littering the streets waiting to be picked up.
A good on' novena! I've had that one too.
Relax, are you having enough sex, are you doing it the right way, at the right time, etc etc.
I've never thought you were that maternal anyway so maybe it's for the best,

Joe's fanclub wrote: »

Maybe she's having a bad day herself and asking herself that question, pregnancy can be rough physically, emotionally and mentally, maybe a bad day has given her a different perspective on it all.

Try to forget about it but if she mentions anything like that again confront her on it

ITs an easy thing to say to someone when you are pregnant. The whole time I was pregnant with my little girl I was very aware of my two friends that have been ttc for a long time. Not for anything, even on the days when my heartburn was raging, my back was killing me or my SPD meant just existing was painful, did I say anything about that to them. I knew they would have given their eye teeth to be pregnant and experiencing the discomfort that goes with it. Being pregnant doesn't excuse you from being thoughtful.

stickybean wrote: »

Hope this is okay... but I thought it might be useful to have a thread dedicated to ranting. Not sure about everyone else, but if one more person tells me to relax and it will just happen.... or my cousins, fathers, hairdresser's sister was just about to go for IVF and guess what??? They got pregnant....

I find coming on here sometimes to blow of a little steam actually really helps. And chatting to people who are going through something similar makes me feel, well less alone if I am honest!

So today's "rant"... I called a good (pregnant) friend of mine last night, she knows we are TTC for almost 4 years. My periods late (no I am not pregnant - its all stress and anxiety) and we are due to start IVF. I wasn't looking for her to say anything to make me feel better. I didn't even wasn't to talk about it, I was just calling to say hi.

She asked how I was and I told her... now not sure if it was her hormones, or she just wasn't thinking, but she actually said to me... Do you really think it is worth all this stress? I mean it's been a long time now. Maybe its just not meant to be.

Shocked I made an excuse and ended the call.

A great big dirty rant does us all a lot of good. This thread is a fantastic idea.

Lucyfur

"Last 2 times I got pregnant we did it like this...."

*describes reverse cowgirl*

"Maybe God has other plans for you"

Uh huh.

stickybean

Lucyfur wrote: »

*describes reverse cowgirl*

:D:D:D:D:D

Next time I am asked, are you doing it right... I am going to ask what position they recommend and could they describe it ....

Penny Dreadful

Lucyfur wrote: »

"Last 2 times I got pregnant we did it like this...."

*describes reverse cowgirl*

"Maybe God has other plans for you"

Uh huh.

Would God prefer if we did it in a sex swing? Maybe you get triplets if you do it that way.

stickybean

Joe's fanclub, I think you have the wrong end of the stick here.

I set up this thread so that for 5 minutes of the day I could chat to other people who are also TTC, so we could chat about our frustrations and pain... we are not here to take from our friends pregnancies, or our families remarks (we do know they care), but we just want to say it to someone else who understands...

And of course I am there for my friends and family and would never be "caught up in my own issues" and being "unthoughtful".

stickybean

Penny Dreadful wrote: »

Would God prefer if we did it in a sex swing? Maybe you get triplets if you do it that way.

Where do I buy one? Sign me up!!! LOL

Ah I remember at the start, I bought loads of sexy undies and everything was super romantic and unplanned, as time went by if the PJ top came of it was a lucky night

Neyite

Joe's fanclub wrote: »

I respect that and agree with having a place to let of steam as you said. I just wish to point out that being on the end of "You can't complain about anything because you're pregnant and I'm not" can be very very hurtful

But she wasnt saying that. She was complaining that her pregnant friend, who she has been supportive with during her pregnancy, told her that she thought she should give up her TTC efforts. So the pregnant friend let her down, was unsympathetic and not a very good friend.

TTC and pregnancy is a journey - easy for some, difficult for others. If the roles was reversed and a TTC woman said to a pregnant woman who was having a tough few months "Do you really think it is worth all this stress? I mean it's been a long time now. Maybe its just not meant to be". I guarantee that the pregnant woman would be hugely offended and probably be reconsidering the friendship.

So why is it ok to say that kind of thing to a woman who is TTC?

Neyite

Joe's fanclub wrote: »

If you read my initial post Neyite, it wasn't directed at OPs post but at another post which I quoted.

You mean this one?

Joe's fanclub wrote: »

Really? It's not thoughtful to assume that you can rely on friends if you're having a rough day regardless of circumstances? This is a really unfortunate pattern that occurs, it's all relative and if you can't suck up your own issues for a few minutes to be a good friend then it's you that's being unthoughtful I would say - some women need their friends most when pregnant and just because there are those that feel that they should be grateful for what they have because of their own circumstances doesn't change that. One mans mountain is another mans molehill.

Yeah, I still maintain that there are things said to a TTC woman who is expected to do a stepford-wife smile and suck it up, that you would NEVER say to a pregnant woman.

To flip around your point, some women need their friends most when TTC and just because there are women who feel they should be grateful for what they have because of their own circumstances doesn't change that.

My point is that whether TTC or pregnant, we need our friends for the rough days we have, that the difficulties of a pregnant woman do not supersede the difficulties of a TTC woman.

dreamstar

Joe's fanclub wrote: »

You seem to be looking for a disagreement - and in order to get one you're flipping my points, not interested.

And to flip one of your points in the interest of fairness the difficulties of TTC women do not supersede the difficulties of pregnant women.

Ehhm .... correct me if I'm wrong but are you not doing exactly that? Looking for a disagreement? I think you have to keep in mind that this is a 'Trying to conceive' forum. It was set up with the intention of being able to vent and get things off your chest - Not to be judged!

dreamstar

Joe's fanclub wrote: »

I just wish to point out that being on the end of "You can't complain about anything because you're pregnant and I'm not" can be very very hurtful

You have clearly gotten the wrong end of the stick with this comment.

stickybean

Joe's fan club, while I greatly appreciated your initial input, your presence here is taking this thread and its purpose way off....

This is for the people who like myself are TTC and want to blow off steam...

If you've nothing else to say, it might be best to leave and find a more appropriate forum to express your views.

dreamstar

Joe's fanclub wrote: »

No I haven't

Eh yeah you have. Nobody said that someone who is TTC has bigger problems than someone who is pregnant. You are on a TTC thread so things need to be taken in context. There's no need to be so uptight about it - sometimes people need to rant.

pwurple

Lucyfur wrote: »

"Last 2 times I got pregnant we did it like this...."

*describes reverse cowgirl*

LMAO. Tell me that didn't really happen. My jaw would have been on the floor.

Priceless!


Back on my own rant... I was asked for 2... no wait, 3 solid years, every SINGLE day by a bloke at work if I had 'any news' with a big wink, because I had gotten married. We had been trying for years before that too. I actually wanted to punch him in the nose.

Neyite

I've another one! I think its in my top 10 for irony, but cant hold it against him too much because he had no idea we were TTC or had infertility issues

OH's boss admiring our 18 month old: "hahaha yis would want to be getting a move on for the next one, yis are getting on a bit"

While I was miscarrying for the second time.

Diamond Doll

I wasn't even trying to get pregnant, but it happened anyways a few months back. (I already had a one-year-old at the time.) It wasn't a healthy pregnancy, however, it was an ectopic pregnancy. And an odd one, as it was on the bowel rather than the tubes (something like 1% of ectopics), and it wasn't really growing. So they hoped it would (in their words) "resolve" itself.

I had to go for bloods every second day in the hospital, and I got sick of the staff saying, "Oh you weren't trying to conceive? It was just an accident? Obviously this is for the best then."

The baby that I was fortunate enough to conceive and carry successfully before this was also "just an accident", and the best accident that ever happened to me. :mad:

It was really painful seeing all of the positive pregnancy tests and thinking of the baby that might have been. Just because the pregnancy was unplanned doesn't mean the baby would ever for a second have been unwanted.

As I mentioned we weren't/aren't trying to conceive, but I'm pretty sure it'll be difficult when/if we ever try again (we weren't careful at all for most of the 18 months after our first one, and nothing happened except for the ectopic.)

I hope you don't mind me contributing to this thread even though I'm not TTC as such. But I do know (to some extent) how painful the loss can be.

dreamstar

Neyite wrote: »

OH's boss admiring our 18 month old: "hahaha yis would want to be getting a move on for the next one, yis are getting on a bit"

While I was miscarrying for the second time.

....Oh my god. :eek: I wouldn't be able to hold it together.

It's my brother in law who keeps making comments to us. We had a miscarriage last July and have had no news since. He has presumed we are just not trying. Him and his partner got pregnant by accident ....(How the F does that happen?) And he KEEPS asking would we not start trying and going on about how great it is. Even asked my partner to pain their nursery.

Neyite

dreamstar wrote: »

....Oh my god. :eek: I wouldn't be able to hold it together.

It's my brother in law who keeps making comments to us. We had a miscarriage last July and have had no news since. He has presumed we are just not trying. Him and his partner got pregnant by accident ....(How the F does that happen?) And he KEEPS asking would we not start trying and going on about how great it is. Even asked my partner to pain their nursery.

Oh had a BIL like that too. One night in the pub I just snapped and blurted it out when I was asked for the umpteenth time.

A funny one this time:

"You should put your legs up in the air after ye...yanno. That's how your cousin got pregnant"

Says my MOTHER!!!! :o:o:o fooking scarlet I was !!

dreamstar

dreamstar wrote: »

....(How the F does that happen?)

Sorry Little Piggy my comment looks a bit insensitive coming after yours. We posted at the same time.
Yes the loss is so hard. That's why I find these threads so helpful. Don't feel so alone in it then!

Diamond Doll

dreamstar wrote: »

Sorry Little Piggy my comment looks a bit insensitive coming after yours. We posted at the same time.
Yes the loss is so hard. That's why I find these threads so helpful. Don't feel so alone in it then!

Oh no offence taken whatsoever! When I say "accident", we weren't being all that careful with precautions. At all. Ever. Either before or after our one successful pregnancy. So we're talking one pregnancy (and an ectopic and maybe a couple of early miscarriages) over the course of, I dunno, four years? It doesn't bode well for us when we want to give him a sibling! Which is something we both want.

dreamstar

Neyite wrote: »

"You should put your legs up in the air after ye...yanno. That's how your cousin got pregnant"

.........I'm not going to lie........I've done this.......

stickybean

dreamstar wrote: »

.........I'm not going to lie........I've done this.......

Me too *scarlet*

I think I seen it on friends...

dreamstar

stickybean wrote: »

Me too *scarlet*

I think I seen it on friends...

Thanks for not leaving me on my own Sticky.

Neyite

dreamstar wrote: »

.........I'm not going to lie........I've done this.......

Well, yeah, so have I.

But to be told by yer Ma to do it is cringy :pac:

dreamstar

Neyite wrote: »

Well, yeah, so have I.

But to be told by yer Ma to do it is cringy :pac:

Haha - True!:D

stickybean

Neyite wrote: »

Well, yeah, so have I.

But to be told by yer Ma to do it is cringy :pac:

What did you even say to her??? I would have died.

contrary_mary

The adoption one was the worst for me, along with the insinuation that you're selfish for not wanting to adopt because of "all the babies without homes" out there. People have absolutely no idea of how difficult it is to adopt at the moment - it's a heartbreaking and fairly hopeless process.

Another one that I just couldn't get my head around was after my first mc people kept telling me about X who had 8 mcs and then went on to have a healthy baby. By all means tell me the happy outcomes but at the time the thought of having multiple mcs was absolutely unbearable.

Neyite

stickybean wrote: »

What did you even say to her??? I would have died.

I believe I just scuttled into the kitchen and poured myself a large glass of wine!

stickybean

contrary_mary wrote: »

The adoption one was the worst for me, along with the insinuation that you're selfish for not wanting to adopt because of "all the babies without homes" out there. People have absolutely no idea of how difficult it is to adopt at the moment - it's a heartbreaking and fairly hopeless process.

Another one that I just couldn't get my head around was after my first mc people kept telling me about X who had 8 mcs and then went on to have a healthy baby. By all means tell me the happy outcomes but at the time the thought of having multiple mcs was absolutely unbearable.

That can be the worst contrary_mary (So sorry for you loss pet x)

Isn't the person the always tell you about their uncle's cousin's dentist's friend...

Penny Dreadful

Neyite wrote: »

I've another one! I think its in my top 10 for irony, but cant hold it against him too much because he had no idea we were TTC or had infertility issues

OH's boss admiring our 18 month old: "hahaha yis would want to be getting a move on for the next one, yis are getting on a bit"

While I was miscarrying for the second time.

OMG! I can't imagine how I'd have reacted to that.

Penny Dreadful

contrary_mary wrote: »

The adoption one was the worst for me, along with the insinuation that you're selfish for not wanting to adopt because of "all the babies without homes" out there. People have absolutely no idea of how difficult it is to adopt at the moment - it's a heartbreaking and fairly hopeless process.

Another one that I just couldn't get my head around was after my first mc people kept telling me about X who had 8 mcs and then went on to have a healthy baby. By all means tell me the happy outcomes but at the time the thought of having multiple mcs was absolutely unbearable.

Totally agree with this. I've recently had a miscarriage and while most people have been lovely and said the right things or just said nothing at all I do not need to hear about the woman that had 10 and after years and years and several novenas (bleurgh) went on to have two healthy children........

Lucyfur

pwurple wrote: »

LMAO. Tell me that didn't really happen. My jaw would have been on the floor.

Priceless!

Uh huh!

''It's cos your womb is tilted so it's a good position for getting the sperm up there''

and

''Ahhh, it'll happen when you least expect it''

brokensoul

My crazy sister in law emailed me last night with a rant about my current predicament.

The email started with her telling me about her miscarriage 10 years ago and how glad she was that she miscarried naturally, which is really unhelpful to hear when facing a D&C and then followed with her telling me that I should treasure this precious time with my baby.

Jesus wept like, given that the time between finding out there was no heartbeat and now has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through I can't believe anyone could think it was a time to treasure.

To be fair, she is bat**** crazy, so I am trying not to take it too personally!!!!!

dreamstar

brokensoul wrote: »

My crazy sister in law emailed me last night with a rant about my current predicament.

The email started with her telling me about her miscarriage 10 years ago and how glad she was that she miscarried naturally, which is really unhelpful to hear when facing a D&C and then followed with her telling me that I should treasure this precious time with my baby.

Jesus wept like, given that the time between finding out there was no heartbeat and now has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through I can't believe anyone could think it was a time to treasure.

To be fair, she is bat**** crazy, so I am trying not to take it too personally!!!!!

Wow - I'm not sure how I would even respond to that. You're right - don't take it personally. I think that when people hear about the miscarriage they just don't know what to say to make it better.

When I was going through my miscarriage I used to get really upset with my in-laws. I got the feeling they were avoiding me and when they did see me they never asked how I was. Now I know I was hormonal and upset anyway but it REALLY upset me. But looking back now - they probably just didn't know what to say. My MIL had never had a miscarriage and I definitely think that nobody knows how hard it is until you go through it.

I know it's hard but try not let it get to you. A week or so and you'll be well on the road to recovery.

dreamstar

What about the -

'Just relax and it will happen....' Grrr.

brokensoul

dreamstar wrote: »

What about the -

'Just relax and it will happen....' Grrr.

Grrr, my mum was great for that one. Though she has dropped it, in fairness.

My mum married at 22 (in pre contraceptive days) and had 8 pregnancies resulting in 6 children over the next 17 years.

I was talking to her about ttc at one stage and said "it is the hope of being pregnant each month that would kill you" to which she replied "For me, it was the fear of being pregnant each month that killed me"

Again, not helpful mum!!!!

stickybean

As much as I sometimes stress cause I don't think my friends get where I am, I just got a text from one telling me she seen a cute maternity dress for half price in new look and bought it for me cause she knows I'll need it soon. I'm in tears at my desk.

dreamstar

stickybean wrote: »

As much as I sometimes stress cause I don't think my friends get where I am, I just got a text from one telling me she seen a cute maternity dress for half price in new look and bought it for me cause she knows I'll need it soon. I'm in tears at my desk.

Oh my gosh......speechless.
People mean well but put their foot in it sometimes. We get it sticky. :mad:

Neyite

Ah fcuk. That was thoughtless of her, Sticky. She probably thought that positivity would give you a boost and meant well, but its still fcuking hard.

I think its hard for lots of people to get it. Even those who have ttc themselves, unless they've had difficulties, may not always understand.

For what it's worth, I didn't get a single thing related to babies or maternity while TTC. (Well, I ordered a 0-6 county jersey because that's how I planned to announce my BFP to the OH, but that didn't count, if you know what I mean, and it was shoved at the back of the wardrobe unopened until I got the BFP) I'm not woo or anything, but I just didn't want to start getting bits and pieces because if I never got to use them I'd have to go through dumping them down the line. I'd have been upset at a maternity clothes gift too, even well-intentioned.

stickybean

Oh God sorry girls, I explained wrong, I meant happy tears. I know it sounds stupid, but I was so happy one of them finally got it. The normal reply I get if I mention anything is, sure relax and it will happen or you can always adopt.

After four years and now that we have started IVF, I just got over whelmed that one of them recognized what we are going through and did this little gesture as a positive thing that she believes it we will be successful. My bad, I should have said happy tears. Sorry xxx

brokensoul

Neyite wrote: »

Ah fcuk. That was thoughtless of her, Sticky. She probably thought that positivity would give you a boost and meant well, but its still fcuking hard.

I think its hard for lots of people to get it. Even those who have ttc themselves, unless they've had difficulties, may not always understand.

For what it's worth, I didn't get a single thing related to babies or maternity while TTC. (Well, I ordered a 0-6 county jersey because that's how I planned to announce my BFP to the OH, but that didn't count, if you know what I mean, and it was shoved at the back of the wardrobe unopened until I got the BFP) I'm not woo or anything, but I just didn't want to start getting bits and pieces because if I never got to use them I'd have to go through dumping them down the line. I'd have been upset at a maternity clothes gift too, even well-intentioned.

Oh, I know what you mean!

my lovely husband got me a voucher for a fancy lunch as a birthday present, the idea being that we would go for it once I was past 12 weeks and not so nauseous. He wrote on the voucher "lunch for three" and now every time I see it I want to burn the f**king voucher - even though I know that is entirely irrational.

brokensoul

stickybean wrote: »

Oh God sorry girls, I explained wrong, I meant happy tears. I know it sounds stupid, but I was so happy one of them finally got it. The normal reply I get if I mention anything is, sure relax and it will happen or you can always adopt.

After four years and now that we have started IVF, I just got over whelmed that one of them recognized what we are going through and did this little gesture as a positive thing that she believes it we will be successful. My bad, I should have said happy tears. Sorry xxx

She obviously knows you well to know that you would like it. Good friend to have xx

Neyite

Ah good! I saw it on the rant thread so feared the worst. I'm glad it was meant as positivity and that more importantly, you felt the same.

stickybean

Eek sorry *red cheeks* I should have put it somewhere else, I just stuck it hear as I had been having a rant the last few days and wanted to say there is sometimes a little glimmer

Yellow diamond

stickybean wrote: »

Oh God sorry girls, I explained wrong, I meant happy tears. I know it sounds stupid, but I was so happy one of them finally got it. The normal reply I get if I mention anything is, sure relax and it will happen or you can always adopt.

After four years and now that we have started IVF, I just got over whelmed that one of them recognized what we are going through and did this little gesture as a positive thing that she believes it we will be successful. My bad, I should have said happy tears. Sorry xxx

that is sweet, she is obviously a good friend and thinking about you and what you are going through!

dreamstar

stickybean wrote:

Eek sorry *red cheeks* I should have put it somewhere else, I just stuck it hear as I had been having a rant the last few days and wanted to say there is sometimes a little glimmer

Aw ...phew! Glad they were happy tears!

stickybean

So I had to share this one. Friend from work (man in his 50's) called me to see how I was (i've been of for a few days after egg retrial). So he knew we are going through IVF. He read this article online that said key reason for women in Europe not getting pregnant is... wait for it... eating.

Yes you read that right. He said that these days women eat too much (now he didn't mean as in they are over weight) and there bodies get comfortable. Whereas in third world countries where food is more scarce, womens bodies naturally try to procreate in order to preserve life.

I was SPEECHLESS. After a few more minutes of him explaining this theory I asked so what are you saying here.

His reply, maybe you could cut back your eating for a few days.

WTF? I have no words

Neyite

Eating.

Well.

I've heard it all now! I think you win the thread sticky

He should open up a fertility clinic. Along with the other geniuses such as the "just relax and it'll happen" and the "you should go on holiday and you'll get pregnant" and the "you should say a novena" fertility experts. Make a packet they would.

stickybean

Don't forget, sure if it doesn't work... you can adopt, or get a dog :eek: