Just need some confirmation really.

LegacyUser

Apologies for the length of this post but it is necessary to give you the full picture. My other half and I are together over ten years. We have a 'no-secrets' rule and I can tell you with my hand on my heart that I have never broken it. I love her to bits but I am torn at the moment over something that has come to my attention and I just need to get some confirmation from a third party.

My wife has a solid group of friends, some of which she grew up with and some from college. One of them in particular though, let's call her Amy, has been her best friend since they went to primary school. She was a bridesmaid at our wedding and my wife says that she is like a sister to her etc. A few months ago, I started to play football on a weekly basis with some of my friends and my wife begged me to bring Amy's husband along. Let's call him Bob. Amy mentioned that he doesn't have many friends in our area at all. I have spoken to him a good few times, as a result of my wife's friendship with Amy and can chat away to him but we are not close friends. I agreed to it and he comes along even though it is pretty clear from his demeanour that he doesn't really enjoy it. I hope you get the picture.

So, three weeks ago or so, my wife starts telling me that she is worried about Amy. She is worried about Amy's marriage and she tells me that Amy was telling her that Bob hasn't been himself of late. My wife asks me if I have noticed any changes in Bob and I replied that he seemed the same to me but I only play football with him one night a week, so I didn't feel that I knew him well enough to judge. She asked me to talk to him to see if things were ok but I refused because I don't know the guy well enough. Last week Amy was in ours and I walked in on them talking and she was visibly upset. Later that night, my wife asked me about Bob again; re talking to him and I agreed to drop a few questions in and see if I noticed anything different when we met. She told me that he had gone out in the city centre with a few of his friends from work and not come home the previous night for the second time in just over a month. I didn't see any change we when met to be honest.

On Friday evening, I was out with work in the city centre in a well know bar on Dawson street. I am not a big drinker myself, so I was planning on doing my usual trick of going in after work, staying until the rest were suitably oiled and heading home while the night was still young. Everything was going to plan and I offered to buy some drinks before I left, so I wandered up to the bar to put in an order and settle the bill. Whilst at the bar, two women chatting to a man caught my eye and one of their faces just struck a chord with me. I knew who it was but just couldn't figure out who. A few seconds later, she noticed me. Her facial expression changed immediately, she turned her back and retreated from the bar, out of sight. I brought the drinks back to our table, wondering who that was, said my goodbyes and went to the gents before hitting the road. On my way back out of the gents, the woman in question was standing outside the door. She asked to speak to me for a moment, in a very manly voice. At that instant, it clicked with me that it was Bob, dressed up in drag (sorry, I am not sure about the PC terms for all this. No offence is meant, if I am not correct). We had a very brief discussion and I told him that I didn't feel that it was the right place to talk at all. On reflection, he is an awful idiot for doing that. If he didn't approach me outside the gents, I would never have figured out it was him!!

Anyway, back home I went. My wife works shifts and she was earlies on Saturday, so she was asleep when I got home. First thing yesterday, Bob called round. Not even a phone call or text first. He begged me not to tell my wife or Amy. The man was in bits when we spoke, crying. He told me that it would destroy his marriage and Amy would be devastated. I told him that I would not keep something like this from my wife. I urged him to talk to Amy about what was going on. He refused to do that. The topic of Bob hasn't come up at home and it is driving me nuts. My wife and I haven't been alone this weekend. I know I am going to tell my wife, it isn't in my nature to keep it from her but the fact that I am going to destroy another marriage, devastate my wife's best friend, which in turn is going to upset my wife, keeps popping up my mind. I have never been in this kind of position before so I guess I am just asking for confirmation, that I am doing the right thing, by telling my wife when we get some alone time.

bee06

You're in a really tough situation. I'd get onto Bob and tell him again you have to tell your wife and can't lie to here. That Amy knows something is up and has been talking to your wife so Amy is going to find out but it's up to him how he wants that to happen. Give him the chance to tell her first.

Xterminator

if that was me i would tell my wife.

she is the one you will be with for the rest of your life, and it is her i would trust. let her decide what to do with the information.

i would not even consider hiding this from her. if it came out you knew ... and didnt tell it could damage your relationship. as ou said he is only an acquaintance i would risk that for him.

LegacyUser

So this guy dresses up as a woman. If he really and truly wanted this to be kept secret, the very last place he would be or should be, is a well-known bar in Dawson Street in Dublin!!! This is Ireland ffs, at some stage he was bound to meet someone he knew. What, is everyone else he meets expected to be complicit in the cover-up too?
Your first and primary duty is to your own wife. You owe it to her to tell her the truth. After that, you can discuss what your next step should be. Together.

Catari Jaguar

It's none of your wife's business. Amy might be mortified if she finds out your wife knows. And Bob. It's Bob and Amy's business and no one else's. You only found out by chance.

Calhoun

I personally wouldn't out him as it wouldn't be my place, i would however advise him that he needs to come clean to his wife.

He can't keep leading a double life and he will eventually be found out if he keeps going this way but for now i would give him the opportunity to make it right in his own way.

sam34

This is none of your wife's business, nor is it any of yours. It's not your news to tell/break. It's something intensely personal for this guy and telling your wife because of some 'no secrets' pact is a dickish move, tbh. You have no right to spread this news about him. It's fine to have a no secrets pact about your own life (though that in itself strikes me as a little odd), but you don't have to bring other people's personal lives into it.

bp

Mmm I am all for no secrets with my OH but they are MY secrets, not someone else's. I know plenty of my friends and his personal secrets which I have not told anyone as it is none of their business. Now in my case my OH knows his friends tell me their secrets but he would never ask.

I would talk to Bob again. Just the two of you, he clearly needs a friend and encourage him to talk to Amy. This is very personal to him. There was a previous thread a while back from a lady dating a cross dressing male it can be a form of stress release not anything homosexual

ElleEm

bp wrote: »

I would talk to Bob again. Just the two of you, he clearly needs a friend and encourage him to talk to Amy. This is very personal to him.

I think this is the kindest thing to do.

If your wife asks about Bob again, just say that you spoke with him and that out of privacy for him, you don't wanna go into details.

Kidchameleon

What kind of a friend are you if you tell your wife every morsel of information that you know? Can anyone confide in you at all?

Penny Tration

It's not your secret to tell. Don't out someone, it's an awful thing to do.

Speak to him, tell him that Amy is very worried about his disappearing acts and thinks something is very wrong. Encourage him to talk to her. Then back away and leave him to choose what to do.

Diamond Doll

I think it would be very unfair if you said anything to your wife. It's none of her business, and it's none of your business. It's totally possible to have an open, honest, trusting relationship without sharing other peoples secrets with your OH. "Bob" sounds like a bit of an eejit to let himself be seen in such a public place; chances are If he keeps it up he'll be caught out eventually; however it's not your place to out him. Just forget you saw anything and live your own life. If/when he chooses to say anything to his wife, it should be his own decision.

Another tranny

HI op,

I am married straight person that likes to dress up, please don't tell his wife it will ruin the marriage, if he is like me he will do it once or twice a month to get the need out of his system, just tell him to be safe and alway use protection when with a man and there is nothing to worry about.

You don't know the turmoil of having a mismatch in gender identity it will ruin his life if you out him.

Saipanne

Another tranny wrote: »

HI op,

I am married straight person that likes to dress up, please don't tell his wife it will ruin the marriage, if he is like me he will do it once or twice a month to get the need out of his system, just tell him to be safe and alway use protection when with a man and there is nothing to worry about.

You don't know the turmoil of having a mismatch in gender identity it will ruin his life if you out him.

Of course, no turmoil comes out of marital infidelity.

Another tranny

Saipanne wrote: »

Of course, no turmoil comes out of marital infidelity.

There is no turmoil for my wife she doesn't know about my female identity.

ShaShaBear

Another tranny wrote: »

There is no turmoil for my wife she doesn't know about my female identity.

And you think your female identity excuses you for cheating on your wife?

Penny Tration

Another tranny wrote: »

There is no turmoil for my wife she doesn't know about my female identity.

Your female identity does not make it okay to cheat on her! Whatever about hiding the female side of you, fair enough, but cheating? Totally and utterly wrong.

Another tranny

ShaShaBear wrote: »

And you think your female identity excuses you for cheating on your wife?

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Your female identity does not make it okay to cheat on her! Whatever about hiding the female side of you, fair enough, but cheating? Totally and utterly wrong.

You just don't understand what life is like with GID

Oryx

ShaShaBear wrote: »

And you think your female identity excuses you for cheating on your wife?

Where was cheating mentioned?

It doesnt sound like Bob is cheating either, just struggling with a fundamental need that he feels he must hide.

Op, this is not your secret. Its Bob's. Even before you got to the crux of the issue I thought that you and your wife were far too invested in the problems of another couples marriage. You can both listen and advise when asked, but then for gods sake back away. Stop discussing it and wondering about it among yourselves. Thats not helping, its interfering.

And forget what you know about Bob. It is completely nothing to do with you. If you talk to him encourage him to come clean to his wife, but do not do it for him.

hoodwinked

In general my husband and i discuss almost everything with each other, a situation not unlike this came up with a mutual friend of ours years ago, i did tell my husband but we both agreed it was not our business to interfere in and do nothing with the information to this day, and in this case i would advise you to do the same, confide in your wife if you can both agree to stay out of it after.

there have been situations however where both his friends and my friends have confided in me about things and asked me not to tell anyone, so when it came up in discussion i would say to him that i was asked not to tell anyone including him and he respects that, likewise his friends/colleagues/family confide in him and tell him not to tell anyone (including me) and that's fine too, just because we are married doesn't mean we need to know EVERYTHING about each others lives, but this would be different as he is their confidant and the information was shared with that understanding,

you are not this guy's confidant, you are simply someone who caught him doing something in a public place and imo i would share it with your wife, like someone said it could come back to bite you if she finds out you knew and said nothing, where if she understands your reasons for saying nothing it's better for you.

Penny Tration

Another tranny wrote: »

You just don't understand what life is like with GID

No, I don't. However, I have friends who are transitioning and friends who have struggled with their identity. They all managed not to cheat.

I don't actually disagree with you hiding your feminine side from your wife. I can understand why you would. But it's not an excuse to cheat. Using your GID as an excuse to betray your wife is insulting to every single moral, decent person with gender identity disorder.

strandroad

I don't think you need to tell your wife *all* that you've learned. You should say something like "Yes I talked to Bob and he has an issue he needs to manage, it's not cheating but I advised him to talk to Amy ASAP. They really need to sort it out between themselves."

And meet with with Bob and tell him the exact same thing: that they both put you in an uncomfortable situation, you are not going to "out" him to Amy, but he needs to do it himself, and now. Otherwise you cannot guarantee that you will cover for him if you're put under more pressure from any of them, and it's not fair to ask you that.

Another tranny

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

No, I don't. However, I have friends who are transitioning and friends who have struggled with their identity. They all managed not to cheat.

I don't actually disagree with you hiding your feminine side from your wife. I can understand why you would. But it's not an excuse to cheat. Using your GID as an excuse to betray your wife is insulting to every single moral, decent person with gender identity disorder.

What do you think happens when you go out dressed up and end up out all night, it usally means you found a man considerate enough to see you as the woman you are.

It's not cheating cause you do it as a woman and it's not with another woman. I never cheated on my wife

Penny Tration

Another tranny wrote: »

What do you think happens when you go out dressed up and end up out all night, it usally means you found a man considerate enough to see you as the woman you are.

It's not cheating cause you do it as a woman and it's not with another woman. I never cheated on my wife

Don't kid yourself. It is cheating. Yes, you're in another identity, but you're the same person, the person who vowed fidelity to your wife.

Ultimately, what you choose to do in your own time doesn't affect me. I'm not going to derail the thread anymore by arguing your points. However, I don't think you should be advising the OP to tell the guy to cheat and hide it from his wife.

I wish you and your wife all the best and urge you to continue using protection, and get regular STI checks so as not to endanger her health.

endacl

There are things I know about other people that I wouldn't dream of sharing with my OH. Either because I found them out inadvertently, or was told in confidence. I'm sure the opposite is true as well. This is fine. Not my business is not my business.

You're hiding someone else's secret, OP. At some point in the future it may be time for Bob and Amy to talk about this. It's not your place to decide now is the time.

Neyite

Mod:

AnotherTranny, there is no suggestion that Bob is physically cheating, and this thread is not the place for you to debate your fidelity to your wife, and nor is it the thread for others to discuss this with you. Humanities or private message are more appropriate.

This thread is for the OP to get advice on his issue, let's stick to that, everyone.

Another tranny

Neyite wrote: »

Mod:

AnotherTranny, there is no suggestion that Bob is physically cheating, and this thread is not the place for you to debate your fidelity to your wife, and nor is it the thread for others to discuss this with you. Humanities or private message are more appropriate.

This thread is for the OP to get advice on his issue, let's stick to that, everyone.

Just giving op perspective on what happens on nights you go out dressed and stay all night and as long as bob uses protection there is no reason to out him.

Op should not ruin a marriage cause he cannot understand GID.

LegacyUser

Another tranny wrote: »

Just giving op perspective on what happens on nights you go out dressed and stay all night and as long as bob uses protection there is no reason to out him.

Op should not ruin a marriage cause he cannot understand GID.

This has nothing to do with GID but your projecting on the thread, your using it as an excuse to cheat on your wife and kid yourself it's ok cus your a different person…that's not what gender identity is about your confusing gender with sexuality and they are not the same.

But it's not relevant here. The OP has not stated that Bob is cheating on his wife. I don't think you should tell her wife OP. It's not your secret to tell but you do need to speak with Bob and make it clear to him that his wife is aware that something is going and she thinks he is having an affair so his marriage is in trouble wither he likes it or not and he needs to speak to his wife. The reality is your wife is going to ask you, your going to say yes something is up but it's not your place to give details which is going to go straight back to Amy and she will most likely accuse him of having an affair. Up to him how he wants to address the whole mess then.

MrWalsh

If Bob is cross dressing and going out in well known bars on Dawson Street then he is not really hiding what he is doing at all.

Just tell Bob you wont be keeping any secrets for him, and that he needs to tell his wife before someone else does.

DeltaWhite

Another tranny wrote: »

.

Op should not ruin a marriage cause he cannot understand GID.

In fairness though, it's not OP that could ruin the marriage. It's the secret Bob is hiding from his wife. She's already suspicious.

Neyite

Neyite wrote: »

Mod:

AnotherTranny, there is no suggestion that Bob is physically cheating, and this thread is not the place for you to debate your fidelity to your wife, and nor is it the thread for others to discuss this with you. Humanities or private message are more appropriate.

This thread is for the OP to get advice on his issue, let's stick to that, everyone.

Mod:

Ahem.

Can everyone please stop replying to Another tranny. It's still debating, still discussing, and still derailing somebody else's thread.

Thank You.

LegacyUser

OP, first let me say that my heart goes out to you for being in this terrible situation through no fault of your own. You sound like a great guy and your wife is lucky to have you.

This is a tough one. Your duty, in my opinion, is to your wife. While outing someone is a crappy thing to do, your own relationship is in jeopardy here and I think that is where your focus and loyalty must lie.

It is very clear this is preying on your wife's mind very heavily, or she would not keep asking you to talk to Bob. Amy's grief over her confusion and ignorance is having a direct impact on your wife, so this is not the same as keeping a secret for a friend that has no bearing on your wife or your relationship.

Amy is miserable enough to be crying in her friend's house, so clearly she is not blissful in her ignorance. Bob has been staying out, so I would be suspicious that he has been "with company" on those nights. His infidelity is unfair and potentially dangerous for his wife, and she deserves to know the truth.

If it were me, I would tell Bob all of the above and that you are no longer going to allow your wife to continue having mental distress to protect his secret. Either he tells Amy, or you tell your wife.

Good luck.

Lux23

MrWalsh wrote: »

If Bob is cross dressing and going out in well known bars on Dawson Street then he is not really hiding what he is doing at all.

Just tell Bob you wont be keeping any secrets for him, and that he needs to tell his wife before someone else does.

I agree with this. Bob goes out dressed as a woman, if you have seen him than someone else probably saw him as well. It is bound to get out at some point, so if your wife asks about his mood again, tell her and she can decide what to do next.

Another tranny

Lux23 wrote: »

I agree with this. Bob goes out dressed as a woman, if you have seen him than someone else probably saw him as well. It is bound to get out at some point, so if your wife asks about his mood again, tell her and she can decide what to do next.

Never out a trans woman, they have the highest suicides in the world. Do you want her blood on your hands op?

wdmfapq4zs83hv

God op thats a seriously tough decision to be in. But I think at the end of the day your relationship with your wife comes first. If she is standing there asking you do you know whats wrong with Bob you cant lie to her. I would make Bob aware that you are not prepared to lie to your wife for him so he might be better telling Amy himself. In fairness he brought this on himself by going to such a public place. Good luck

ScumLord

You need to convince Bob to come clean to his wife. He's lying, maybe he's cheating, putting on a dress and makeup doesn't make you a different person, you can put on a different personality in different circumstances but you're always the same person.

I'd really push Bob to tell the truth, hound him, because he's now dragged you into his deceit and you shouldn't risk your relationship with your wife to protect his lies.

If bob is just dressing up then their marriage can probably survive the truth, they may both be much happier with it all out in the open. Or maybe it's a deal breaker, but even if they break up they'll probably be happier.

Lux23

Another tranny wrote: »

Never out a trans woman, they have the highest suicides in the world. Do you want her blood on your hands op?

Bob outed himself by going to public place dressed as a woman.

sullivlo

Another tranny wrote: »

Never out a trans woman, they have the highest suicides in the world. Do you want her blood on your hands op?

Cross dresser =/= trans. Don't use the threat of suicide to pressure the OP into saying nothing.

OP. Talk to Bob and explain Amy's concerns. Then talk to your wife. Tell her that it's not your place to say and that its Bobs secret and not yours.

Another tranny

sullivlo wrote: »

Cross dresser =/= trans. Don't use the threat of suicide to pressure the OP into saying nothing.

Cross dressing is under the transgender umbrella so is trans, this is why cis people should not talk about trans issues, you don't undrstand the pressures GID bring that lead to suicide

MrWalsh

Another tranny wrote: »

Cross dressing is under the transgender umbrella so is trans, this is why cis people should not talk about trans issues, you don't undrstand the pressures GID bring that lead to suicide

gravehold is that you again~?

We dont all have to be trans to understand trans issues. Besides which, the OP is not trans and that is who we are advising.

Lux hit the nail on the head - Bob has already outed himself by going out in public dressed as a woman.

aaakev

MrWalsh wrote: »

If Bob is cross dressing and going out in well known bars on Dawson Street then he is not really hiding what he is doing at all.

Just tell Bob you wont be keeping any secrets for him, and that he needs to tell his wife before someone else does.

This!

Op imo you owe this guy nothing, if it was me id talk to him and give him a time frame of a week or that to tell his wife and tell him you wont be jeopardising your relationship to cover up for him.

Tough situation i know and im sure your wife wouldn't appreciate you keeping it to yourself if your relationship is as you say.

Neyite

Another tranny wrote: »

Cross dressing is under the transgender umbrella so is trans, this is why cis people should not talk about trans issues, you don't undrstand the pressures GID bring that lead to suicide

Mod:

You were warned not to drag the thread off topic. And you continued to do so. AND you argued with a mod instruction on thread.

Posting on this thread again will earn you a ban from PI.

Magicmatilda

mhge wrote: »

I don't think you need to tell your wife *all* that you've learned. You should say something like "Yes I talked to Bob and he has an issue he needs to manage, it's not cheating but I advised him to talk to Amy ASAP. They really need to sort it out between themselves."

And meet with with Bob and tell him the exact same thing: that they both put you in an uncomfortable situation, you are not going to "out" him to Amy, but he needs to do it himself, and now. Otherwise you cannot guarantee that you will cover for him if you're put under more pressure from any of them, and it's not fair to ask you that.

I think this is the best advice. Obviousely you and your wife trust each other so it sounds like she will trust your decision to not go into details.

orthsquel

The only reservation I would have about telling your wife OP is the predicament that it will leave her in. That she knows Bob's secret and what is she to do? Pretend nothing to Amy? Tell Amy? Confront Bob? Each one has a series of consequence positive and negative. She might feel that bit torn on what to do after she knows. She might feel that she has to tell Amy but she might also realise it's not her place, but then has to cope with the guilt of knowing and having to pretend she doesn't know when Amy should confide in her about it when Bob tells her. Or in her being the one to tell Amy, and who knows how she would react to that?

I also think it would be a bit humiliating for Amy knowing that her best friend and her husband knew about Bob cross dressing when she hadn't a clue and might be upsetting for her to know you know, while wondering how many others know. Or even just ye knowing and not saying anything to her if Bob needs time to tell her, that could be equally hurtful.

Bob just panicked by the sounds of it and thought he was discovered and found out so that's why he came up to you. I think talking to him, telling him Amy knows something is wrong and encouraging him to tell her might be the best way forward. If anyone is to tell Amy, it should be Bob, and I think putting the responsibility of that back on him and letting him deal with it rather than involving you, and you involving your wife might be even better.

ShaShaBear

To be honest, I think it totally depends on what exactly Amy thinks is going on with Bob, and to what degree Bob takes his secret.
EG does Amy think Bob is depressed and perhaps suicidal? Does she think he is having an affair? Does she think he is planning to leave her?

Does Bob feel as though he is meant to be a woman and expressing that right in public while keeping it a secret from his wife? Is Bob simply enjoying a desire to dress as a woman? Does Bob want to be with other men/women? Does Bob want to be with his wife?

Your best bet, OP, would be to sit down with Bob, and tell him that you have been put in an awful predicament with your wife, as Amy is her best friend and is truly distraught over something completely unknown. Ask him exactly what it is he is trying to hide from his wife. Then, the next time your wife brings it up, ask her straight out exactly what Amy thinks is going on. Then, when you know exactly what Amy thinks she is wrestling with (there is a good chance that Amy has a fair idea what is going on), you can decide if it is a good idea to tell your wife. Do not promise anyone you will keep a secret in order to hear it.

LegacyUser

orthsquel wrote: »

I also think it would be a bit humiliating for Amy knowing that her best friend and her husband knew about Bob cross dressing when she hadn't a clue and might be upsetting for her to know you know, while wondering how many others know. Or even just ye knowing and not saying anything to her if Bob needs time to tell her, that could be equally hurtful.

I think the above is a good point OP. Say you tell your wife and after discussing it you agree not to speak to Amy and she finds out and then finds out you both know she might take that very badly. Or you agree to tell Amy together, I don't think she'd take it any better to be honest. Either way she might feel humiliated having her friends and her husband know about this.

Or what if Bob talks to his wife and they work it out between themselves , how comfortable would your wife feel knowing their secret but pretending not to know? Or if they broke up Amy would most likely lie to your OH about what the issue was so it might be best your wife doesn't know. Only you know yourself and your OH OP. Is this something thats likely to gnaw at you until you admit it to your wife? If you tell your wife is it something that is likely to gnaw at her to talk to her friend about? As your wife is closer to Amy then you are to Bob or Amy it does put her in a more uncomfortable position.

I do think your first step is to talk to Bob again and stress to him that his wife already suspects something is going on so he needs to talk to her.

Taboola

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Your best bet, OP, would be to sit down with Bob, and tell him that you have been put in an awful predicament with your wife, as Amy is her best friend and is truly distraught over something completely unknown. Ask him exactly what it is he is trying to hide from his wife. Then, the next time your wife brings it up, ask her straight out exactly what Amy thinks is going on. Then, when you know exactly what Amy thinks she is wrestling with (there is a good chance that Amy has a fair idea what is going on), you can decide if it is a good idea to tell your wife. Do not promise anyone you will keep a secret in order to hear it.

This.

You need to speak with him first and try encourage him to tell his wife. You would also be putting your own wife in an awkward position by telling her as she might feel compelled to tell Amy. Even though they are best friends Amy might try 'shoot the messenger' and not believe your wife.

CaraMay

Agree with Taboola that it needs to come from him. If he tells her then you don't need to tell your wife as the less people who know the better.

My concern would be that he's staying out nights. If he's chatting up men then is he having flings with these men. Is he having safe sex etc

IlmoNT4

Its none of your business what Bob does or doesnt do...In the same way its no ones business how you and your wife conduct your life.

I think it would be a dickish move to tell your wife or Bobs wife. Thats between the two of them and absolutely nothing to do with you. I dont even understand why you feel compelled to tell anyone. So what, the man likes to dress up....when he's ready, he'll talk to his wife but thats up to him to decided what happens in his life. Not because you stuck your beak in and forced the issue.

Bob and Bobs wife will find their own path, by themselves... honestly, best thing you can do is go about your own business and respect that this is where Bob is in his life at the moment.

arayess

sam34 wrote: »

This is none of your wife's business, nor is it any of yours. It's not your news to tell/break. It's something intensely personal for this guy and telling your wife because of some 'no secrets' pact is a dickish move, tbh. You have no right to spread this news about him. It's fine to have a no secrets pact about your own life (though that in itself strikes me as a little odd), but you don't have to bring other people's personal lives into it.

I disagree 100%
I'd consider between a couple there are no secrets. If you know you should tell your wife. It's her decision to betray that secret by telling her pal.
but within a serious relationship like a husband and wife there should be no secrets.

You have a relationship with your wife not Bob.
Bob is irrelevant within the confines of your marriage.,

CaraMay

Friends are entitled to privacy and what one friend tells another should not be shared with spouses