Would you be happy to be the sole provider?

Stheno

I'm grappling with this at the moment.

My OH is at a bit of a crossroads in his life, and has a few options, all of which involve him earning very little, and some of which means he earns nothing while he builds up a business with no guarantee of income.

Would you take on owning day to day living expenses in that case? Would you spend hundreds of euros each month on rent, mobiles etc to support a speculative endevour?

Bear in mind I'm risk positive, I work in a start up

The Corinthian

Should your gender matter where it comes to being happy (or not) to be the sole provider?

JJJJNR

It's not a gender based question, but anyway it would depend on your background, kids and family responsibility etc. If they are going self employed there's no dole if it blows up. You'll both be in risk based roles. maybe a bit negative but would they have done this without you as their financial backup. Could it be done part time.

Boskowski

If it's not gender based why start the thread title with 'as a woman...'?

zeffabelli

If I had the money yes. Wouldn't bother me.

If I didn't and I felt stressed then yes I would because I'd be in a stress tizzy.

wuffly

I posted about this awhile ago, as myself and my other half are in a similar position.
Personally I think its hard for one person to support the other financially no matter the gender. Its not a position I ever expected to be in, not because I expect to be supported (ever) but because we have always both worked, shared the majority of our salary but also always had a decent amount of our own spending money. The difference is also that he is giving up earning power to do this as opposed to not being able to, you need to sure you are happy with that. We moved abroad a few years ago to up our savings ability etc. So I have struggled with losing this as my work is pretty stressful, living away from family and friends and not having the spare cash to travel home has left me feeling worn out. OH is setting up a business which is a slow process, we are trying to manage without hitting savings(as we both feel if we start this where does it stop?) so it means my salary pays for our life and his business... I love him and support him and I know he will make a success of it, buts its hard going. What I would say is be prepared, he needs to think long and hard about what he's thinking of doing and come up with a feasible plan of action, be prepared for it not to going according to plan. Set reasonable goals/targets. The bad days are hard but the good days are great. You get to a point where its a now or never, even if this all fails we will have learned a lot and given it our best. I would say really really hash it out, all the pro's and con's even the ones you don't want to say, supporting another person financially and emotionally etc.. like this is not easy you need to know what you are getting into and they need to understand that its a big ask. Hope this makes some sense! Best of luck with it!

lazygal

I'd feel vulnerable if either of us were the sole provider. Both my parents worked outside the home and financial independence was something that was stressed as important. I was on unpaid maternity leave and it was not something I'd like to experience longer term. My husband works in a well paid sector and with childcare I'm not bringing home a whole lot as I'm not working fulltime but I'd need to seriously consider the risks of quitting a paid job for something that may or may not pay an income.
I think it depends on your circumstances. With a mortgage and two kids we have to be practical about things.

Dolbert

Yes, but only if there was a goal in mind e.g. starting a business or further education. It'd have to be for a good reason as we have a baby and a mortgage. My husband is happy for me to go on unpaid maternity leave for a few months so I don't see why I couldn't return the favour.

Neyite

Dolbert wrote: »

Yes, but only if there was a goal in mind e.g. starting a business or further education. It'd have to be for a good reason as we have a baby and a mortgage. My husband is happy for me to go on unpaid maternity leave for a few months so I don't see why I couldn't return the favour.

Same here. I'd willingly support him if it was a viable business idea or learning skills or a new qualification, or even if it suited us for him to be a stay at home parent but if he wanted to quit based on a half baked idea which was likely to mostly involve Playstation, I'd be less keen.

We juggled the unpaid maternity leave too - while it was lovely for me to have that extra time at home with the baby, it was a decision made by both of us in the best interests of our family. An 11 month old going into full time crèche was easier for us than a 6 month old. But if I could have transferred that 4 months unpaid to him, he'd have loved it, and I think it would have been great for the baby too.

I'm all in favour of maternity leave for men. Ideally flexible enough so that a couple can transfer it between them to suit themselves. Something like the Swedish system would be ideal.

JJJJNR

Boskowski wrote: »

If it's not gender based why start the thread title with 'as a woman...'?

I guess I looked at it as a general type question rather than from the perspective of the woman. Apologies OP. .. I'm outta here.

I wouldn't have any issue with it, if we could survive on one salary. I wouldn't be happy with it as an indefinite arrangement, there would have to be a goal and a finish line to aim for. That said, I'd be pretty generous with the timeline if I had a partner who was going after their dream.

Stheno

Edited the title, I meant it more from the perspective of posting it in tll to get the perspective of posters in tll

Some really interesting responses, and food for thought, thanks

meeeeh

Yes. We are in the sector that was hard hit during recession (not building) so I am not exactly afraid of risks. But there is a but, we would have to be able to afford it and it would have to be temporarily. I think it is extremely risky if one partner is dependent on another long term for whatever reason. It also shouldn't be an excuse to drag out working on a project that is not feasible, just because you can still pay bills.

The Corinthian

What I'd be comfortable with or not, in terms of being left as the sole provider, really depends on why I am the sole provider principally, and then on the details; particular circumstances or practicalities.

In short, what I think it comes down to is that I would be supportive as long as it is a means to an end, rather than and open-ended end in itself and not designed to embrace a lifestyle choice that the other partner will have to subsidize or completely fund indefinitely.

As an aside on the topic of setting up a business, from experience you need to learn to know when it makes sense to continue and when it makes sense to throw in the towel, because the worst thing that can happen to an entrepreneur is not going bust, but not going bust.

I've seen many businesses surviving for years thanks to parent's, savings, spouses or credit, their principles pursuing a venture that ultimately has no future because it has essentially become a lifestyle choice. If you are financially supporting your other half then you're effectively an investor, and as such you should behave like one and set the criteria for success or failure from the onset. Trust me, you'll be doing them a favour.

Shenshen

I found myself being the sole provider for about a year when my husband lost his job.
It really stressed and scared me to begin with, it obviously hadn't been planned and while I knew that my salary would suffice for all the bills, mortgage and bringing food on the table, it was still unsettling at first.

On the upside, we've now tried and tested the situation. So if I should become pregnant, we now know that once I'm back to work after maternity leave, he can quit the job he's got now and look after the kid full-time

zeffabelli

The Corinthian wrote: »

What I'd be comfortable with or not, in terms of being left as the sole provider, really depends on why I am the sole provider principally, and then on the details; particular circumstances or practicalities.

In short, what I think it comes down to is that I would be supportive as long as it is a means to an end, rather than and open-ended end in itself and not designed to embrace a lifestyle choice that the other partner will have to subsidize or completely fund indefinitely.

As an aside on the topic of setting up a business, from experience you need to learn to know when it makes sense to continue and when it makes sense to throw in the towel, because the worst thing that can happen to an entrepreneur is not going bust, but not going bust.

I've seen many businesses surviving for years thanks to parent's, savings, spouses or credit, their principles pursuing a venture that ultimately has no future because it has essentially become a lifestyle choice. If you are financially supporting your other half then you're effectively an investor, and as such you should behave like one and set the criteria for success or failure from the onset. Trust me, you'll be doing them a favour.

I would agree with this that you are essentially an investor but in. A two fold way....business and family.

Ultimately those who understand entrepreneurship, will understand the need to have permission to fail and that there are no guarantees, just opportunities.

The family member who is doing the supporting, must fundamentally get this aspect of business before they put any money into it, otherwise there could be resentments and this idea of the other party being indebted to them, even psychologically forever, if it does fail. This is not fair either, because investors do know this, not sure the layman gets this through and through.

The other thing about family is its not that different from a business model....in that it supports and facilitates the growth and evolution of its members.

miamee

Short answer: yes.
If I was in a solid work position at the time on a salary that could support us both and I thought that the business idea had real value, then I don't see why not. There would need to be a business plan with very definite goals about what constitutes success and failure. E.g. after 6 months you expect that x, y, and z goals will have been reached, if you haven't gotten that far, time to re-evaluate the whole idea. You'd want to have agreed cut-off points in advance. As The Corinthian said, the worst thing you could end up doing in any business is throwing good money after bad and when you feel that it's your partner spending your (plural) hard-earned cash in that way, it may breed resentment.

Being the sole earner wouldn't bother me so long as it was for a good reason be that sudden unemployment, illness or a new business venture. As Neyite mentioned, honing of Playstation skills would not fall under this remit

iwantmydinner

miamee wrote: »

Short answer: yes.
If I was in a solid work position at the time on a salary that could support us both and I thought that the business idea had real value, then I don't see why not. There would need to be a business plan with very definite goals about what constitutes success and failure. E.g. after 6 months you expect that x, y, and z goals will have been reached, if you haven't gotten that far, time to re-evaluate the whole idea. You'd want to have agreed cut-off points in advance. As The Corinthian said, the worst thing you could end up doing in any business is throwing good money after bad and when you feel that it's your partner spending your (plural) hard-earned cash in that way, it may breed resentment.

Being the sole earner wouldn't bother me so long as it was for a good reason be that sudden unemployment, illness or a new business venture. As Neyite mentioned, honing of Playstation skills would not fall under this remit

+1. I think!

Neyite

I'm just remembering that at different stages, both of us were short term unemployed so we did have one income coming in to live off. I changed jobs and had been replaced in the old job, but the new one fell through a few months after starting. Then a month after I got work, he was laid off for about 6 months. So all in all it was about 18 months with one salary into the house.

It was a good experience in terms of budgeting, and we learned a lot about each other's spending habits, and came out the other end knowing that we can trust the other to make mostly good financial decisions. My sisters are gobsmacked that he hands me his credit card in case I see something nice and want to treat myself when I go on shopping trips with them. Their husbands never would do that probably because they'd do massive damage in minutes in Brown Thomas.:D But its because he knows that I'd only buy something if I totally loved it, and knows my spending habits. Usually 4 times out of 5 his card would be returned unused because I never saw anything I liked enough.

The Corinthian

miamee wrote: »

There would need to be a business plan with very definite goals about what constitutes success and failure. E.g. after 6 months you expect that x, y, and z goals will have been reached, if you haven't gotten that far, time to re-evaluate the whole idea. You'd want to have agreed cut-off points in advance. As The Corinthian said, the worst thing you could end up doing in any business is throwing good money after bad and when you feel that it's your partner spending your (plural) hard-earned cash in that way, it may breed resentment.

Six months might be too short; it really depends on the business and how realistic one's projections are. As a rule, however, they tend to be overly optimistic.

Main point I was making is that it can be very easy for an entrepreneur to end up propping up what is a non-viable business for years at a time. Everyone has hard times, but I've known some who have kept their businesses going for ten years despite the fact that they could not pay themselves a living wage and there was no realistic prospect of a light at the end of the tunnel. It's a lot more common than you think.

Pulling the plug really is doing them a favour - I wasn't joking.

miamee

The Corinthian wrote: »

Six months might be too short; it really depends on the business and how realistic one's projections are. As a rule, however, they tend to be overly optimistic.

Main point I was making is that it can be very easy for an entrepreneur to end up propping up what is a non-viable business for years at a time. Everyone has hard times, but I've known some who have kept their businesses going for ten years despite the fact that they could not pay themselves a living wage and there was no realistic prospect of a light at the end of the tunnel. It's a lot more common than you think.

Pulling the plug really is doing them a favour - I wasn't joking.

I may have been unclear, I only meant to have some minor goals to be reached along the way aside from the final destination of Successful Business. Six months would be too little for that alright. An agreed way to measure progress, or not enough progress would be helpful for the sole earning partner to see that the business is going somewhere and an end in sight. Though you would hope that there would be an actual business plan in place also.

Wexy86

I would have no qualms about doing this is there was a legitimate reason or an end goal. We see our wages/savings as ours rather than his or mine even though there is a big difference in our salaries. It works for us but money issues can ruin a relationship in my opinion and seen this situation go wrong first hand.
A friend wasn't 100% happy with the idea but said she would do it for 6 months and hopefully his business would have some form of income. Couple of weeks in and she was arguing with the other half going for a few pints/buying clothes and begrudging the man spending quote 'her money' on non necessities!!

dockleaf

I did this, for four years, with two young children. OH was working in a very tough industry, long hours, 7 day weeks. He wanted to be able to spend more time with our children. So he went back to college while I worked full time. It worked out well for us, I think it brought us closer together, but it did set us back in terms of income that will have financial implications for years ahead even though he is back working full time now. So even though you might think it is for a set period, sometimes that has future ramifications. Still, even knowing that now, I would do it all over again.

Celly Smunt

As with any business and anybody who has ever gone out on their own you can expect a few months of short pay for yourself which if I was to be advising you personally I'd go with it and support him for a little until the business gets in its feet.

Between you two YOU have to believe in the business too for it to work, if you don't think it can work but he does don't let him sink ANY of your money into the business, this isn't being unsupportive of him it is being careful with your money for the sake of both you and your children. If its a viable plan, support him until he starts pulling a wage, hes not just doing it for himself.