Father introduced Child to Girlfriend

LegacyUser

Apologies Mods if this is in the wrong place.

Id just like some advice. I have a 3 year old son and am not with his father. His father was taking him approximately every 4th weekend but lately every 6th or 7th weekend. He lives 2 hours from me. Anyway I picked my son up after spending the weekend with his father and my son got into the car and rhymed off "daddy has a girlfriend", I was a bit shocked to be honest and it was really like a punch to the stomach. Anyway he went on to tell me she has no toys in her house and what her name was etc, . I was shocked as i still love my sons father for one but also that I had to be told by a 3year old. I didnt even realise he was in a relationship. Anyway i dont really know what im looking to know, I felt that we should be at least dating 6 months before even considering such an introduction but it seens fairly new relationship. Also the following day after this meeting took place my son had a bad day hitting his cousins, throwing an ipad across the floor and wet the bed and then wet himself the next morning. This all happened in the dads house. When he came back to me he was in his usual form, no wetting bed etc. Im also wondering could this meeting have upset him to the extent that he carried on like he did. Apologies in advance, my mind is in overdrive at the minute with all the news.

CaraMay

It could be but has he not had tantrums before? Did he sleep in his dad's or this girls house? You need to talk to the father and see what the story actually is. The other thing is that he's 3, high emotion is to be expected at his age.

LegacyUser

anony mother wrote: »

Anyway he went on to tell me she has no toys in her house and what her name was etc, . I was shocked as i still love my sons father for one but also that I had to be told by a 3year old. I didnt even realise he was in a relationship. Anyway i dont really know what im looking to know, I felt that we should be at least dating 6 months before even considering such an introduction but it seens fairly new relationship.

If you want to find out things you need to ask the kids father directly. I wouldn't be relying on info from a 3 year old. For all you know they could be dating six months or longer and taking it very slowly or it could be most recent. But at the minute you have your kids version of events.
You say you still love the kids dad but do you have a good relationship with him since you split ? Can you discuss things or is everything just about the kid you share together?

Merkin

My primary concern is that your ex would not have cleared it with you that your son was going to be sleeping in a strange house. Your partner obviously has parental rights which is fine, he is the child's father, but you really should be kept in the loop as to where your little one will be staying and with whom.

I'd try and keep your emotions out of this for now and have a discussion with your ex about what the arrangements are when your little one is under his Dad's care. I'd be incandescent if I'd sent my baby away for the night in good faith and he stayed the night somewhere else entirely and unbeknownst to me with someone I'd never so much as clapped eyes on.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies. I said it to his father by phone within a few minutes of my son telling me, He laughed. I told him was it not common courtesy i be informed first and he hung up on me.

Our relationship is all about our son, he informed me after my child was born that "he didnt need to know what was going on in my life and I didnt need to know what was going on in his" so he tells me very little.

My son has had tantrums before but he has never hit another child until this weekend. He sees little enough of his father and when he does he gets so hyper and excited. I imagine he wouldnt be too happy his dad giving attnetion to someone else.

I have spoke with my son and asked him questions, he didnt sleep in her house, jsut watched tv and then they went to get icecream. I asked him how did he know It was Daddys girlfriend, and he replied daddy told me.

I cant have a discussion with him as he gets starts shouting me down very quick any time i try to discuss something with him like taking his son more often so I always end up feeling very deflated after "having to discuss" anything of importance with him.

seamus

Yeah, you need to find out directly from your ex, not rely on what your child has told you. For all you know they actually went to see some woman that he's not involved with, but a 3 year old not knowing the difference between friend and girlfriend took it upon himself to assign the label to this woman.

I don't see any implication from the OP that the child spent the night anywhere else, so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about what did and didn't happen.

Also, I would fundamentally disagree that it has to be "cleared" with anyone if the child is sleeping somewhere else. Provided that the accommodation is safe and appropriate and the father is present, there's no reason why he should have to seek "permission" from the mother to have the child there. If the mother decided to take the child off for a midweek break to a hotel, she wouldn't have to seek the father's permission, so the opposite shouldn't be required either.

Knine

I think you need to concentrate less on what is happening when your child is on access visits. Your ex is under no obligation to discuss his relationships with you. For all you know they could be together a lot longer.

Your child's tantrums is fairly normal 3 year old behaviour. It is hard when you still love him but unless your child is being neglected you need to leave your ex to parent his child without interfering. I'm saying this as the mother of a child who goes on access visits. I would suggest however that access is more regular as 6th or 7th weekend is very little & also means nobody knows where they stand. Mediation if both parties are willing could help with this. A parenting plan could also be sorted at the same time regarding New Partners, School, holidays etc

Payton

A number of issues I see here. Every 6th or 7th weekend is not really good enough for all concerned, you need your time and your son needs to bond with his father. The "new" girlfriend and being introduced so early for a 3 year old can be a bit WOW instead of a gradual thing.
I'm sure if you were to get on with your life and move on and possibly meet a new chap he wouldn't be introduced straight away.
Things need to be regulated regarding access and conditions with your ex when it comes to your child, be it through mediation or the courts as it's a bit ad hoc at the moment.

LegacyUser

OP, you stated "I told him was it not common courtesy i be informed first ............"

Where did you invent this rule? Why should someone, from whom you are now estranged, be obliged to discuss anything of the sort with you?

You seem to want to control every minute f your son's life, even when he's with his Dad. Is that right? Surely a Dad has the right to look after his son as he sees fit, once the child is being treated well?

Ann84

Hi OP, I am speaking from experience here...
I understand how you feel, and it would have been better if your ex had let you know so you were prepared for him to come home having met his dad's girlfriend.
I share parent and my daughters dad would have the same attitude as your ex. Our daughter is a lot older now and his lack of communication caused a lot of arguments over the years... I don't believe you are trying to control his time with his dad, or the dad and no, technically it's none of your business but where something is going to impact your child (such as the big news of dad has a girlfriend!) - it shouldn't be a suprise to you...
My ex introduced our daughter to his ex without letting me know, it was unfair on me to hear it through her as I didn't know how to act or what to say. I would have preferred to be prepared.
We have gotten better, I always tell him 'news' that impacts our daughter, like when I was introducing her to my now fiancé (it wasn't exactly a state secret that I was seeing someone!), what I have planned for holidays, if I have a new tenant move in etc... And he is getting better but it's taken years and many many fights!
This idea that sharing important news with the other parent is controlling is mad! Just because I am not with my ex, doesn't mean we are not a parenting unit and in order to be able to talk to your child about their lives (which includes the time they spend with the other parent!) it's important to know the big things, like who is around your child, who they play with... And if their living situation changes... Other than that I don't care and I certainly don't see having that level of information as controlling! (However, I have had to deal with it!)
One bit of advice, I would suggest that you put structure around your child's access and your shared parenting relationship with your ex... You don't have to go to court, I highly recommend mediation, there are free family mediation centres all over Ireland but the waiting lists are long... You can pay but it's expensive...
It is a great way to set a standard visiting arrangement, and also agree limits and rules around how you guys parent as your son gets older... Things like agreeing bed times, and what to do for holidays such as Xmas etc.
it worked great for us especially when it came to selecting schools, and what to do for communions and also helped us work through when 3rd parties became involved.
It may be hard to engage your ex at first, but maybe send him some information on it and let him see that this is not about control, or nosiness etc... But about being a strong parenting unit for your son while not being in a relationship... And enduring a level of consistancy between the households which is really important for kids going between 2 houses!!!
Best of luck!

Ps - you can't make him do it however, and if he refuses to engage with you as the other parent it's not your fault!

Tasden

anoyn mother wrote: »

My son has had tantrums before but he has never hit another child until this weekend. He sees little enough of his father and when he does he gets so hyper and excited. I imagine he wouldnt be too happy his dad giving attnetion to someone else.

I have spoke with my son and asked him questions, he didnt sleep in her house, jsut watched tv and then they went to get icecream. I asked him how did he know It was Daddys girlfriend, and he replied daddy told me.

With regards to your son not wanting to share attention, I do get where you're coming from but maybe you're projecting your own feelings/concerns. Your son may very well enjoy having two people put all their attention on him.

Also, and I don't want to lecture you, I understand that you want some clarity around the situation but please try not to use your son to get those answers. It's not fair on the child to act like some kind of go between keeping the parents up to speed on new relationships or whatever. And you may end up making him feel like he can't tell you things if he picks up on the tension when he does answer questions that you may not like the answer to. I get that you'd ask the father if he was more forthcoming/amicable, but just try to make sure you're not grilling the child. My ex would try find out about my life through our child and it was incredibly unfair and lets face it half the time it was all out of context anyway because hes not even getting the full story just a child's view.

Maybe give it some time and then when emotions aren't as raw you can discuss how you would like things like this to be dealt with in future.

seamus

anoyn mother wrote: »

My son has had tantrums before but he has never hit another child until this weekend. He sees little enough of his father and when he does he gets so hyper and excited.

These two aren't necessarily separate. I wouldn't automatically assume it's as complex as your son being angry that your Dad has a new girlfriend. It could simply be a result of over stimulation.
You most likely know as well as I do that when you stick a toddler/young child into a situation filled with new sights, sounds & people and then throw some sugar into them, the entire day can become a rollercoaster of euphoria and ear-piercing tantrums.

The whole weekend just may have been too much for him to handle at once, and maybe his Dad should have done something a little less exciting on the second day. But then, his Dad was the one who had to deal with the tantrums, so hopefully he's learned his lesson.

LegacyUser

BananaRep12 wrote: »

OP, you stated "I told him was it not common courtesy i be informed first ............"

Where did you invent this rule? Why should someone, from whom you are now estranged, be obliged to discuss anything of the sort with you?

You seem to want to control every minute f your son's life, even when he's with his Dad. Is that right? Surely a Dad has the right to look after his son as he sees fit, once the child is being treated well?

Firstly, If i was seeing someone i would most certainly let my sons father know and give him the opportunity to meet the new person who will be a part of his childs life so i didnt think that it was to much to expect that he mite tell me in advance. I also have no problem whatsoever with him dating. I have trusted him with my child for the past 3 1/2 years without worrying or interfering and im sure he is not going to allow harm to come to him now.

And I most certainly do not want to control my sons life when he is with this father. When his fathers asks can he take his son for a weekend which used to be every 4th weekend and now has become every 6-7th i have not once refused. Because my son is mad about his father and also because i love my break without having to worry about him so please dont assume I want to control anything.

ibarelycare

anoyn mother wrote: »

Firstly, If i was seeing someone i would most certainly let my sons father know and give him the opportunity to meet the new person who will be a part of his childs life so i didnt think that it was to much to expect that he mite tell me in advance. I also have no problem whatsoever with him dating. I have trusted him with my child for the past 3 1/2 years without worrying or interfering and im sure he is not going to allow harm to come to him now.

And I most certainly do not want to control my sons life when he is with this father. When his fathers asks can he take his son for a weekend which used to be every 4th weekend and now has become every 6-7th i have not once refused. Because my son is mad about his father and also because i love my break without having to worry about him so please dont assume I want to control anything.

People have different expectations. Your ex isn't a mindreader. It's inevitable that both of you would move on and meet other people so if it's such a big issue for you why isn't this something you discussed with him previously?

njs030

Why do you think you should meet his new girlfriend? I genuinely don't understand why people do this. I agree common courtesy would suggest he informed you of the meeting, but I don't think he needs your permission or that you have a right to vet his girlfriend especially when you don't know how long they are together, it could be years for all you know.

You're projecting your own hurt onto your son which isn't fair, your relationship to his father is over but his isn't and you do need to try and seperate the two.

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

Why do you think you should meet his new girlfriend? I genuinely don't understand why people do this. I agree common courtesy would suggest he informed you of the meeting, but I don't think he needs your permission or that you have a right to vet his girlfriend especially when you don't know how long they are together, it could be years for all you know.

You're projecting your own hurt onto your son which isn't fair, your relationship to his father is over but his isn't and you do need to try and seperate the two.

I never suggested that i meet his girlfriend, I said i would give him the opportunity to meet my partner if/when i have one that It would have been nice for him to tell me about his. at the present moment i have no interest whatsoever in meeting the new partner. And also i have found out he met her 7 weeks ago at a wedding so personally i think it was far too soon for anyone to be introduced as a girlfriend, but again thats just my opinion.

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

People have different expectations. Your ex isn't a mindreader. It's inevitable that both of you would move on and meet other people so if it's such a big issue for you why isn't this something you discussed with him previously?

I have tried to discuss this and many other things like "what would happen to my child in the event of my death" etc but these things are a one sided conversation or have a reply like in the event of my death senario "well if you die i get him and if i die you get him " sort of answer.

CaraMay

You don't need to meet his gf op. He's entitled to introduce the child to all his friends whether romantic or not. Just because you would doesbt mean everyone has to.

If you need to firm up the weekends then you need to go down the legal route given as he isn't playing fair on that one

power pants

Whilst I agree to a certain extent with the majority of the posters. I also understand what the op is saying. I too would like to know something about my ex's new partner IF and only IF they were to have any part in my child's life.

The reason being for piece of mind. Knowing that the new partner is not a criminal, no alarm bells be it drugs, etc. I know these are all to the extreme but you never know.

The otherside of the coin is that you would like to give your ex some credit with who he has as a partner but stranger things have happened in life.

Can never be too careful when it comes to your own child.

No need for an interrogation but at the same time no harm in knowing something about the new partner either.

my thoughts anyway

njs030

anoyn mother wrote: »

I never suggested that i meet his girlfriend, I said i would give him the opportunity to meet my partner if/when i have one that It would have been nice for him to tell me about his. at the present moment i have no interest whatsoever in meeting the new partner. And also i have found out he met her 7 weeks ago at a wedding so personally i think it was far too soon for anyone to be introduced as a girlfriend, but again thats just my opinion.

I apologise I mis-read your previous post. I agree 7 weeks is very fast and I wouldn't be happy about it if it was my child either!!

Unfortunately it seems there isn't much you can do, for whatever reason he doesn't seem interested in engaging with you about anything so it seems you either have to accept it or think about getting a solicitor involved to put things in writing.

Est28

anony mother wrote: »

Apologies Mods if this is in the wrong place.

Id just like some advice. I have a 3 year old son and am not with his father. His father was taking him approximately every 4th weekend but lately every 6th or 7th weekend. He lives 2 hours from me. Anyway I picked my son up after spending the weekend with his father and my son got into the car and rhymed off "daddy has a girlfriend", I was a bit shocked to be honest and it was really like a punch to the stomach. Anyway he went on to tell me she has no toys in her house and what her name was etc, . I was shocked as i still love my sons father for one but also that I had to be told by a 3year old. I didnt even realise he was in a relationship. Anyway i dont really know what im looking to know, I felt that we should be at least dating 6 months before even considering such an introduction but it seens fairly new relationship. Also the following day after this meeting took place my son had a bad day hitting his cousins, throwing an ipad across the floor and wet the bed and then wet himself the next morning. This all happened in the dads house. When he came back to me he was in his usual form, no wetting bed etc. Im also wondering could this meeting have upset him to the extent that he carried on like he did. Apologies in advance, my mind is in overdrive at the minute with all the news.

OP, you're really reaching here to try blame the tantrum on being some sort of "trauma" from meeting the girlfriend. That's real Oprah type stuff.
He's a kid, kids do these things at times as I'm sure you know better than anyone as a mother.

As far as your ex goes. He's entitled to get on with his life and he's entitled to date. Infact it's quite nice that he would WANT his girlfriend to meet his son. How many times do we hear stories from the side of this girlfriend finding out WAAAAY later that the guys she's dating has a son or family and flips out.

MAAAAYBE he could have told you first but really by the sounds of you making such a huge deal out of nothing, I suspect he knew it would cause more problems than it would solve.

Good on him, if he has a new girlfriend and wants her to meet his son sooner rather than later.

njs030

Est28 wrote: »

As far as your ex goes. He's entitled to get on with his life and he's entitled to date. Infact it's quite nice that he would WANT his girlfriend to meet his son.

Good on him, if he has a new girlfriend and wants her to meet his son sooner rather than later.

Did you read the post where op says they are only together 7 weeks? Children need stability and a series of women streaming through his dad's life is hardly stable!
Maybe they will last but it's unlikely it's a serious relationship after such a short time! More likely that the dad wanted to see her and didn't let the presence of his child stop him.

LegacyUser

OP,

I would hope that if my child's father was going to introduce him to a girlfriend I would at least be told first & ideally that we could all meet so that my child could see we were all happy with the situation. I too would hope that they were together a significant amount if time before introductions took place. I agree that it is only common curtesy to tell you before something which you perceive as significant happens in your child's life. If the shoe were on the other foot, like you, that's how I'd handle it.

Unfortunately, your ex obviously has different ideas, standards & expectations. It's just another example of why you are not compatable. I wouldn't be compatable with him either & although I think he's behaved badly here that doesn't make you right or him wrong. He's entitled to see things differently. He's entitled to introduce his son to whomever he wants, whenever he wants so long as it's a safe environment. It's rubbish & would be far easier if he saw things the same as you but as you've seen countless other times from your posts you both obviously have very incompatable ways of parenting & seeing issues & each other.

OP, all you can do is parent your child by your standards. Tell your ex when you meet someone etc... But you need to stop expecting him to treat you similarly. He won't because he doesn't see things the same way and he doesn't have to. It's sad that you don't have the type of relationship you want with him, either as a partner or co-parent, but you need to accept it for what it is & make the most of what it is for your son's sake. Good luck OP.

Payton

Both parents need to be on the same page here.
OP you are bringing up your child in a divided unit which I admire you for that, I'm involved in an organization that helps unmarried/separated people and I see stories like yours every now and then where some type of structure is needed primarily for your child but for you and the child's father so you both know what is appropriate in relation to the up bringing if your child. Your both starting off as parents and really should have "conditions" in place as the do's and don'ts and what is taught now will benefit all concerned.
The father seeing the child every 7th week is a bit strange and he seems to controlling that where he should have an equal role as it's vital, how does a child bond with his father and partner every 7th week? But you need the free time yourself for a bit of "you" time. With the lack of structure I can't see things improving.

Est28

notjustsweet wrote: »

Did you read the post where op says they are only together 7 weeks? Children need stability and a series of women streaming through his dad's life is hardly stable!
Maybe they will last but it's unlikely it's a serious relationship after such a short time! More likely that the dad wanted to see her and didn't let the presence of his child stop him.

Yes, I did read that. And if she is infact his girlfriend then it's great that he's not running around on the sly hiding his son from her. And for the child he's made welcome and part of his fathers life. That he wanted to introduce his son to this woman he see's a future there.

Sounds stable and mature to me.


Now... the part about "a series of women" that this guy is apparently throwing his child infront of. Get a grip. Where exactly did YOU read that? I'm actually appalled you got so many likes to that post.... this man has a GIRLFRIEND, he's not whoring around town with all sorts of women. You can;t just introduce facts into the conversation just to suit your own bitter agenda. The man has ONE girlfriend and the child was introduced to that ONE woman. He's acting maturely.

The OP is clearly still hung up on her ex, she said so in post #1 and looking to find reasons to make this an issue.

Let's stick to the FACT of the issue here huh? The male bashing with no foundations helps nobody and makes you look foolish.

Ann84

Est28 although there are no rules set in stone, introducing a child to a 3rd party in difficult for children... It has varying levels of effect but it is a big deal for them.
I don't agree that 7 weeks after meeting someone at a wedding, that a) you can tell that it gonna last b) really even know the person

It doesn't sound mature to take such a big step with someone you barely know just cause you slap the girlfriend label on!!!

The child's father sees the child 1 week in 7 so this was probably the 1st weekend he had the child while seeing this particular love of his life... Mature parents would say, what's the hurry... 'new girlfriend, I have my son this weekend, I need some space to be with my son who I barely see and will get right back to honeymooning with you on Monday' or 'I've my son this weekend, if you'd like to hang out and meet him, that's cool but let's just call it's friends for him until he gets used to you...'

It is not mature to introduce your child to your gf or bf after 7 weeks, there is no rush, there is no need... The man barely sees his child as it is, could he not give the poor kid 1 weekend of attention?!?!

If you do some research on the subject, most share parenting groups suggest an extended period before introducing kids to new partners and also, doing it slowly, hanging out as friends etc... And it's just common courtesy to inform the other parent.
I don't think it's man bashing here, it's just no one REALLY knows anyone after 7 weeks... No one, not even if you call them your gf. Doesn't mean it not gonna last, but if he's so sure, what was the rush?!?

zeffabelli

If your seeing your child so minimally then yeah don't split up the time with your lover.

But op it's ultimately his decision, he doesn't realise his attitude is bad for all of you.

A lot of single parents think of things very compartmentalised but the reality is it's still a family, an organic system in and of itself.

ibarelycare

Ann84 wrote: »

Est28 although there are no rules set in stone, introducing a child to a 3rd party in difficult for children... It has varying levels of effect but it is a big deal for them.
I don't agree that 7 weeks after meeting someone at a wedding, that a) you can tell that it gonna last b) really even know the person

It doesn't sound mature to take such a big step with someone you barely know just cause you slap the girlfriend label on!!!

The child's father sees the child 1 week in 7 so this was probably the 1st weekend he had the child while seeing this particular love of his life... Mature parents would say, what's the hurry... 'new girlfriend, I have my son this weekend, I need some space to be with my son who I barely see and will get right back to honeymooning with you on Monday' or 'I've my son this weekend, if you'd like to hang out and meet him, that's cool but let's just call it's friends for him until he gets used to you...'

It is not mature to introduce your child to your gf or bf after 7 weeks, there is no rush, there is no need... The man barely sees his child as it is, could he not give the poor kid 1 weekend of attention?!?!

If you do some research on the subject, most share parenting groups suggest an extended period before introducing kids to new partners and also, doing it slowly, hanging out as friends etc... And it's just common courtesy to inform the other parent.
I don't think it's man bashing here, it's just no one REALLY knows anyone after 7 weeks... No one, not even if you call them your gf. Doesn't mean it not gonna last, but if he's so sure, what was the rush?!?

That's very judgmental of you. Who are you to say that he doesn't really know his gf after 7 weeks? Different relationships move at different paces.

Meauldsegosha

anony mother wrote: »

I was shocked as i still love my sons father for one

It wouldn't matter if the OP's Ex was dating someone for 7 or 17 months before introducing them to his child. The OP would still have a problem with it because she is still in love with her Ex. That is the issue you need to address OP or at least be honest that your problem here is that he has a new girlfriend not that he didn't tell you first or that he introduced his son to her.

Ann84

ibarelycare wrote: »

That's very judgmental of you. Who are you to say that he doesn't really know his gf after 7 weeks? Different relationships move at different paces.

Yes, but children being introduced to them do not.... Kid's need time to adjust, dumping in 'here's my girlfriend' the first time the kid meets the woman is not cool/mature or for the benefit of the child. Its for the benefit of the adults... the girlfriend wants to meet the son, the father cant bare a weekend away from his new GF whatever.. its not putting the child first.

It may sound judgmental to you but its actually not about the father and his gf, no one is saying they cant be in the throws of a passionate life altering romance... doesn't mean his kid needs to be involved at such an early stage, as i said, whats the rush?!
However, i stand by saying you don't REALLY know someone after 7 weeks and i think its naive to believe otherwise.

Magicmatilda

anoyn mother wrote: »

I have tried to discuss this and many other things like "what would happen to my child in the event of my death" etc but these things are a one sided conversation or have a reply like in the event of my death senario "well if you die i get him and if i die you get him " sort of answer.

Were you married to your ex? Or is he legal guardian? because if the answer to those question is no, then he will not "get him" automatically. Might be worth pointing that out him.

He sounds very un co operative, like he doesn't understand the impact he has on his child. Especially when he just takes him when he wants him. Sounds like it is time ti put an orderly plan is place.

As someone else pointed out you need to address the fact that you are still in love with him. It sounds as though he does not feel the same so it is time to start moving on from that. I think that is creating some bitterness in you that is coming accross. That is not goo for your child. I think you need to accept that you and the father are not together and are not going to be. Bar anything you are blocking yourself from moving on and meeting someone.

Perhaps if he saw you were moving on, he would be more comfortable having conversations with you. Maybe he feels that any interaction encourages your feeling so he keeps it brief. Of course that might not be the case but either way it is better for you all if you start to move on.

ash23

I'm on the fence with this one. I was with someone for years who left me for another woman and he introduced this woman to my daughter (he was her stepfather) within weeks of us splitting up and me and my daughter moving out. It was crass and upsetting for my child and I'll be honest it was also very hurtful for me too.

So I do agree a bit of time and communication on these things between parents is important.

On the other hand I am with someone who has a child and they had agreed a timeframe to meet new partners which was a year. It ended up being 18 months before I was "allowed" to meet his child as there were a list of conditions as long as my arm which had to be met before his ex would allow me to meet the child.

Even now, having met the child a number of times and us getting on great, child being really happy, not acting out etc, we are still not "allowed" to tell the child I am his girlfriend.

So I think in the case of the OP, the dad should have been courteous enough to tell her that he was planning on introducing the new girlfriend.
However I also think the OP is hurt about it and is appropriating her sons behaviour on the day somewhat needlessly. He seems to be fine with the situation and isn't acting out all the time so odds are he isn't bothered by the fact that his dad has a girlfriend. At his age he's kind of too young to even understand the word.

OP, at this point what's done is done. Your son has met the woman and it's out there so best to just move on with this and be ok with it as your son will take his cues from you.

I'd be more concerned about encouraging access and the frequency of the access. If you keep calling him out on what he does when he has the child, it might mean he takes him less and less because of the repercussions.
If you want him to be able to approach you about these matters then you will have to be objective to an extent when they do come up and not over react.
That is very difficult to do when you are still in love with him so you really need to do what you can to move on.

Est28

Ann84 wrote: »

Est28 although there are no rules set in stone, introducing a child to a 3rd party in difficult for children... It has varying levels of effect but it is a big deal for them.
I don't agree that 7 weeks after meeting someone at a wedding, that a) you can tell that it gonna last b) really even know the person

It doesn't sound mature to take such a big step with someone you barely know just cause you slap the girlfriend label on!!!

The child's father sees the child 1 week in 7 so this was probably the 1st weekend he had the child while seeing this particular love of his life... Mature parents would say, what's the hurry... 'new girlfriend, I have my son this weekend, I need some space to be with my son who I barely see and will get right back to honeymooning with you on Monday' or 'I've my son this weekend, if you'd like to hang out and meet him, that's cool but let's just call it's friends for him until he gets used to you...'

It is not mature to introduce your child to your gf or bf after 7 weeks, there is no rush, there is no need... The man barely sees his child as it is, could he not give the poor kid 1 weekend of attention?!?!

If you do some research on the subject, most share parenting groups suggest an extended period before introducing kids to new partners and also, doing it slowly, hanging out as friends etc... And it's just common courtesy to inform the other parent.
I don't think it's man bashing here, it's just no one REALLY knows anyone after 7 weeks... No one, not even if you call them your gf. Doesn't mean it not gonna last, but if he's so sure, what was the rush?!?

What I was addressing was notjustsweet's introduction of new "facts" into the discussion that the father apparently had "strings of women" coming in and out of the childs life and her assuertion that "OBVIOUSLY it won't last".

She's painting the father as some sort of scumbag or lowlife going around town with all sorts of women.

NONE OF THIS IS TRUE AND IT'S NOT FAIR FOR THESE THINGS TO BE ALLOWED TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE CONVERSATION.

(sorry for the caps there).

But it's not on. As far as we heard the father see's his child when he's allowed. Imagine if we heard from this other woman saying she thought she met a great guy only to find out in 6 months she had a secret family... we'd be on top of him for that TOO... he can't win. Some scored people just want to paint this guy as a bad guy when NONE of the facts actually suggest that.

I also think you guys are overblowing the "introduction". I'm sure it wasn't a grand fare. They just had a day they were all together. Again, what's the father to do, tell his GF to go hide????? That's asinine, none of you know what their relationship is like!! For all we know the child could be having a great time having someone spoil them for the day.

All this talk of "stability" is such Oprah rubbish. What do you all do, wrap your child in cotton wool so they never are introduced to new people anywhere? Do you all realize how mad that sounds? Sure to the child, they probably don't know what "girlfriend" really means, she's just daddies new friend.

njs030

Est28 wrote: »

What I was addressing was notjustsweet's introduction of new "facts" into the discussion that the father apparently had "strings of women" coming in and out of the childs life and her assuertion that "OBVIOUSLY it won't last".

.

Excuse me???? I most definitely did not make an "assuertion" that it obviously wouldnt last. In fact if you bother to read my post properly I said something along the lines of itmay or may not last.
If you're going to quote me please do so correctly.

Yes, I do think if this man is willing to introduce his son to any woman he dates for a short time then the child will be introduced to multiple women. Or possibly he could be with this woman for life- in which case what's the rush!

If you think stability isnt important in a child's life it shows you haven't the faintest idea about parenting or children so I'm not going to waste my time replying to you any further!

Est28

Here you go, direct quotes of the fiction you added to the thread.

notjustsweet wrote: »

a series of women streaming through his dad's life is hardly stable!

There is NOT ONE indication of a "series of women". NONE.

notjustsweet wrote: »

Maybe they will last but it's unlikely it's a serious relationship after such a short time!

Some people move fast, some move slow. You don't have to agree but it's not your place to be the moral police here. It may or may not last, but that has no bearing on what you deem "serious" enough.
Again this implies there is a "series", which there is NOT.

notjustsweet wrote: »

More likely that the dad wanted to see her and didn't let the presence of his child stop him.

Maybe he wanted to see BOTH, and include BOTH in his plans that day. Which is exactly what happened, and quite a nice thing.
I can't read read between the lines here of what you're implying but you're really grasping at straws.

Look, I get it. We could say ANYTHING to defend the dad here and you'd come kicking and screaming that no matter what he did, he was in the wrong, but because he's the man here. So let's leave it at that. You want to bash the man no matter what and the rest of us would like a balanaced conversation and looking at the ACTUAL FACTS, not one's we made up to suit our own agenda.