Where female solidarity has gone when it comes to men?

dellas1979

Id a really interesting conversation with a friend recently.

It was about the solidarity of women (friends or not) to each other when it comes to men.

Why do some women (even ones who are in relationships) feel they have to (in some cases heavily) flirt with men (who its clear another woman is interested in?).

Case in point. My friend was saying when she first got together with her husband, 3 (out of a group of 4 of us) she felt "tried it on" with him. One girl she even had to tell to back down. I was the only one she said that didnt do this (Id be quite respectful of people and even bigger to a friend and fellow female, and really to myself).

So, are you one of these women? Why do you do it? Is it to feel like alpha female or something? Has anyone experienced the above? (I have myself too).

This isnt a woman bashing thread (a lady myself). Just wondering where female solidarity has gone. Is it all about competition and/or to make yourself feel better?

Addle

Are you sure they were actually trying it on with her fella?
Maybe they were just being friendly?
If her husband is trustworthy, why does it put her out so much if someone does flirt with him?
I have a friend who a lot of girls don't like because they think she's a flirt, when she's really just being her friendly self.
Can a woman not be friendly with a man, and vice versa, without everyone thinking they want to get off with each other?

dellas1979

Friendly = chat, laugh - as you might with another female or bog standard friend.

Flirting = touching, the eyes/glances.

C'mon, girls know when they are flirting.

One of those girls literally had her leg over my friends hubby. That to me is not being friendly.

ahappychappy

I have been ac used left right and centre of this why? Because I genuinely get on better with men than women - I am a girl. Also my hobbies would be around sport. I hate bitchiness and don't give two hoots about soaps fashion beauty etc so I generally get dismissed by the "real girls". Friends know it is me being me and tough cookies to those that don't. I wouldn't touch a guy who was with someone but of course I would chat etc.

Greenmachine

Guy perspective here. This definitely happens. As soon as a guy become unavailable his perceived value goes up. Noticed it out with my OH, even when out with female friends, that I am approached much more.

creeper1

I agree with ”greenmachine”.

It actually has a name.

It is called ”preselection”

If another woman selects a man he must be desireaable

That is why guys go through long dry spells broken by them having quite a few women interested.

Tigger99

Jesus, 3 of her 4 friends tried it on with her fella? She is either extremely paranoid or needs to get new friends!!

I have never seen this amongst women. Christ that is so nasty!

I wouldn't be tarring all women with this. I actually can't believe the above. How is she still friends with them, did she say anything to them about it?

Addle

dellas1979 wrote: »

One of those girls literally had her leg over my friends hubby. That to me is not being friendly.

Well that is a very poor reflection on that individual.
Did the man involved not tell her to stop?

Armchair Andy

I'm sure it works the other way round too OP. She chose bad friends (the other 3), nothing else.

dellas1979

Tigger99 wrote: »

I have never seen this amongst women. Christ that is so nasty!

Seriously? Youve never come across this? Im not just talking about "friends". I was just using this as an example. (yes she is no longer friends with one, another one confronted her, the third, she just ignored). The one who threw her leg over now has a bf, and boi God if anyone did this to her man, shed freak.

Ive experience this myself with guys/other females.

It is nasty! Why are females (friends or not) so nasty to each other.

Tigger99 wrote: »

I wouldn't be tarring all women with this.

I dont - am female myself - I know how it works.

Interesting ideas above about value going up and pre-selection.

The J Stands for Jay

Greenmachine wrote: »

Guy perspective here. This definitely happens. As soon as a guy become unavailable his perceived value goes up. Noticed it out with my OH, even when out with female friends, that I am approached much more.

I think just about every man has experienced this.

eviltwin

I've never seen this either. I have experienced my husband's friends trying to cause problems early on in the relationship because they were upset at losing their wing man but it wasn't flirting and they got over it after a while. I wouldn't stand for it. I don't think it's acceptable to flirt with an attached person even if you have no intention of following through. If anyone in my circle acted like this they'd be gone. If my partner colluded in it he'd be gone too.

Addle

dellas1979 wrote: »

The one who threw her leg over

I just think to get to that point, the man involved has some responsibility. Why hadn't he walk away?
Why is it always the woman's fault?
Where is the female solidarity there?

I agree that some people do treat each other terribly to get what they want.

ahappychappy

ahappychappy wrote: »

I have been ac used left right and centre of this why? Because I genuinely get on better with men than women - I am a girl. Also my hobbies would be around sport. I hate bitchiness and don't give two hoots about soaps fashion beauty etc so I generally get dismissed by the "real girls". Friends know it is me being me and tough cookies to those that don't. I wouldn't touch a guy who was with someone but of course I would chat etc.

Being a woman doesn't make bitchiness, soap operas, fashion or beauty compulsory interests.

There is an irony inherent in this post.

Neyite

I've seen it in action a fair bit, and find it baffling tbh. From when I was a teen, my friends and I had an unspoken agreement that if you fancied someone, then your mates backed off. Similarly, I don't think I ever was interested in their ex - one exception being I met up with my friends ex from 8 years before. But I checked with her first that she had no feelings for him and that she was happy for us to see where it went.

But I know the type who could not care less about a bloke until a friend mentions they have their eye on him. Insecure, miserable, and generally you'll find that even when they win the object of their desire, they are still insecure and jealous of other women that happen to be around the guy. They assume all other females are just waiting to pounce on their man. Because that's what they would do I suppose.

dellas1979

Addle wrote: »

I just think to get to that point, the man involved has some responsibility. Why hadn't he walk away?
Why is it always the woman's fault?
Where is the female solidarity there?

I agree that some people do treat each other terribly to get what they want.

He did Addle (hence he is her hubby now lols).

The guys are obviously responsible for knocking them back, but (sorry if its not clear from OP) Im more interested in why women would do that to other women in the first place.

Why would another woman set out intentionally to upset a relationship.

dellas1979

Neyite wrote: »

Insecure, miserable, and generally you'll find that even when they win the object of their desire, they are still insecure and jealous of other women that happen to be around the guy. They assume all other females are just waiting to pounce on their man. Because that's what they would do I suppose.

Interesting comment. The ones Ive seen in action come across as very confident in their behaviour!

meeeeh

dellas1979 wrote: »

He did Addle (hence he is her hubby now lols).

The guys are obviously responsible for knocking them back, but (sorry if its not clear from OP) Im more interested in why women would do that to other women in the first place.

Why would another woman set out intentionally to upset a relationship.

Why would another man do that? My brothers group of friends were called The Dynasty after the soap by staff in local pub because they never knew who is with who. I actually think it depends a lot what the whole group dynamic is like. I have no research to back it up but I would guess it is more common among competitive groups of friends regardless of the gender.

the evasion_kid

dellas1979 wrote: »

He did Addle (hence he is her hubby now lols).

The guys are obviously responsible for knocking them back, but (sorry if its not clear from OP) Im more interested in why women would do that to other women in the first place.

Why would another woman set out intentionally to upset a relationship.

It's a case of one-upwomanship,I've seen it in action,in other words they get a kick out of it,it validates them and makes them feel like the most desirable woman in the land.

baby and crumble

Are we talking about making full moves on someone, or flirting?

Because I am a massive flirt, I always make it very clear that I have a girlfriend but I will flirt with most people. My GF knows I do it and has zero problems, so long as it's not done with "intent to score". The reverse is also true. It's not natural to turn off your attraction to other people, and so long as everyone knows the score, I don't see the problem.

One eyed Jack

baby and crumble wrote: »

Are we talking about making full moves on someone, or flirting?

Because I am a massive flirt, I always make it very clear that I have a girlfriend but I will flirt with most people. My GF knows I do it and has zero problems, so long as it's not done with "intent to score". The reverse is also true. It's not natural to turn off your attraction to other people, and so long as everyone knows the score, I don't see the problem.

Key point in your post there, and that's exactly the problem - all too often, other people don't care about the score and they don't want to respect other people's boundaries.

They only care about their own personal needs, and that's not knowing the score, that's just being disrespectful, especially when it's clear the other person's partner is uncomfortable with the person that's supposed to be their friend, pushing their boundaries with that person's partner.

tinz18

dellas1979 wrote: »

The ones Ive seen in action come across as very confident in their behaviour!

I would agree with Neyite's description although I get what you mean about them coming across as confident. One of the girls in my group of friends was pretty bad with trying it on with guys we fancied or dated. It was particularly noticeable with any guy her best and oldest friend dated- they didn't talk for over a year after one bad incident of her stealing a boyfriend.

She came across really confident and is a very pretty girl so quite often she succeeded but at the cost of many friendships. It's only now five years on that she acknowledges that it was wrong - she had zero self esteem (backed up by a saga of men who she let treat her like crap) and it was an ego booster to beat her friends to/ or take their guy.

I definitely have noticed it with my ex and my OH. I once had a girl start stroking my exes arm and openly flirt with him across me as we were sitting on a couch with me in the middle. I don't get the mentality- once my friends have declared an interest I back right off.

OneOfThem

Neyite wrote: »

But I know the type who could not care less about a bloke until a friend mentions they have their eye on him. Insecure, miserable, and generally you'll find that even when they win the object of their desire, they are still insecure and jealous of other women that happen to be around the guy. They assume all other females are just waiting to pounce on their man. Because that's what they would do I suppose.

Maybe a little harshly presumptive? Not saying that isn't sometimes the case. But could it not be possible, at least in some of the cases, that they also had thier eye on the guy before that, were humming and hawing over whether/how to make a move, but then on hearing someone else is gunning for them they figure they have to throw caution to the wind and take a chance or they'll miss thier shot?

I'm a guy. But I've been in that position before, would be into a girl, friend of a friend or whatever, hadn't made a move yet, but someone else would express their interest and it'd accelerate things, as it'd knock some sense into me that if I delayed any longer she'd be snapped up. Wouldn't be the case that I just wanted them because someone else wanted them or to get one over on that person or anything like that. Just wouldn't particularly believe in the concept of someone being able to "call shotgun" on a human being either, just by vocalising an interest in them.