Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Am I being greedy?

Options
2

Comments

  • Options
    #32
    CramCycle
    Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 24,596 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    realdanbreen wrote: »
    From a practical point of view do you not foresee some teething problems so to speak.
    You are not sexually attracted to women. The prospective mother is not attracted to men. You are probably going to need to have sex 15 to 20 times before she conceives. How do you propose to tackle this little conundrum?

    While experience has taught me that once is enough there are plenty of ways that the mother could impregnate herself with the OPs sperm without intercourse.

    At the OP, while you are saying you do want kids your opening post does not read like that at all, you should re read it and you might understand where other posters are taking their view from.


  • Options
    #33
    wakka12
    Registered Users Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    Why don't you have a child of your own with your boyfriend if you want one? I don't understand really it just sounds like a very strange set up


  • Options
    #34
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,022 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    wakka12 wrote: »
    Why don't you have a child of your own with your boyfriend if you want one?

    I dont think thats a simple process to be fair

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #35
    Keyzer
    Registered Users Posts: 4,331 ✭✭✭Keyzer


    realdanbreen wrote: »
    So you think this 27 year old who is for all intents and purposes going 'eeneey meeney miney mo'about whether or not he will have a child with a woman while still in a relationship with another bloke and is bothered about the fact that it might affect his 'weekends away' is mature?

    You missed my point - because he's not "mature" enough at 27 in your eyes he never will be. How can you make a sweeping statement like that? How do you know in a year (or 3 or 10) he might reach the level of maturity which you deem acceptable.


  • Options
    #36
    Pride Before Ignorance
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Pride Before Ignorance


    wakka12 wrote: »
    Why don't you have a child of your own with your boyfriend if you want one? I don't understand really it just sounds like a very strange set up

    I've been trying hard with him but he never seems to get pregnant :D:D

    All jokes aside, the potential mother and I discussed this at length and we would prefer to have a mother and father (don't lynch me here people, I initially disagreed with the mothers stance but after a long discussion I have come to see and accept her point of view). We just think it gives a more balanced parenting.

    My BF will be involved by the way. If we stay together I can see him becoming a second father figure or an uncle type.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #37
    jobbridge4life
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,759 ✭✭✭jobbridge4life


    Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »
    I've been trying hard with him but he never seems to get pregnant :D:D

    All jokes aside, the potential mother and I discussed this at length and we would prefer to have a mother and father (don't lynch me here people, I initially disagreed with the mothers stance but after a long discussion I have come to see and accept her point of view). We just think it gives a more balanced parenting.

    My BF will be involved by the way. If we stay together I can see him becoming a second father figure or an uncle type.

    Not lynching you but you are wrong. The huge majority of evidence indicates that it makes zero difference to child outcomes.

    And what if your BF decides later that he really wants a child? What if the Mother finds a partner who wants to be fully involved with the child as an equal parenting partner?

    What are you going to say to your Father? Or are going to father a child with a lesbian and keep him out of the childs life?

    The more I read the less thought out, and less realistic you are coming across.


  • Options
    #38
    partyguinness
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭partyguinness


    realdanbreen wrote: »
    From a practical point of view do you not foresee some teething problems so to speak.
    You are not sexually attracted to women. The prospective mother is not attracted to men. You are probably going to need to have sex 15 to 20 times before she conceives. How do you propose to tackle this little conundrum?

    Turkey baster all the the way... That's what a lesbian couple I know did.

    OP, you are 27. Enjoy yourself and your 20s. there is plenty of time. see how you feel in another 10 years. Don't force the issue- if you have doubts dont do it.

    I am 37 and have a child (ok a heterosexual marriage) believe me you have plenty of time and yes a child will change absolutely everything. You have no idea how much so until you are in the situation- a child is not a commodity or a pet- it really is for life.


  • Options
    #39
    nozipcode
    Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭nozipcode


    If you need to come to Boards.ie to ask this question then I would say that you are not ready.

    It comes across as if you didnt even consider having a kid until your friend proposed the idea. Based on that alone, I say, DONT DO IT.


  • Options
    #40
    wakka12
    Registered Users Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »
    I've been trying hard with him but he never seems to get pregnant :D:D

    All jokes aside, the potential mother and I discussed this at length and we would prefer to have a mother and father (don't lynch me here people, I initially disagreed with the mothers stance but after a long discussion I have come to see and accept her point of view). We just think it gives a more balanced parenting.

    My BF will be involved by the way. If we stay together I can see him becoming a second father figure or an uncle type.

    Hmm I get where you're coming from! Still seems funny to me, Im sure she''ll end up in a relationship with a woman at some stage wont she? It'll be 2 gay couples raising one kid , twice as much loving I suppose! Go for it if its really what you want :D

    Although I do feel like you're quite young now and in say 10 years you'll come to realise that raising a child with a lesbian friend isn't really your ideal family and you would have preferred to have just started a family with your boyfriend.


  • Options
    #41
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,022 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    wakka12 wrote: »
    Hmm I get where you're coming from! Still seems funny to me, Im sure she''ll end up in a relationship with a woman at some stage wont she? It'll be 2 gay couples raising one kid , twice as much loving I suppose! Go for it if its really what you want :D

    Although I do feel like you're quite young now and in say 10 years you'll come to realise that raising a child with a lesbian friend isn't really your ideal family and you would have preferred to have just started a family with your boyfriend.
    I think this is a bit much tbh - telling the op what you think that he might think in 10 years? And stating it as fact that it is what he will think?

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #42
    wakka12
    Registered Users Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    I think this is a bit much tbh - telling the op what you think that he might think in 10 years? And stating it as fact that it is what he will think?

    I think it might sound nice when you're young but it doesn't sound practical as you get older. If it were a good arrangement wouldn't there be more lesbian gay cohabitating couples raising children together


  • Options
    #43
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,022 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    wakka12 wrote: »
    I think it might sound nice when you're young but it doesn't sound practical as you get older. If it were a good arrangement wouldn't there be more lesbian gay cohabitating couples raising children together

    Oh look it might work out, it might not. Who knows? But we dont know for certain that the op will definitely regret it in 10 years time!

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #44
    realdanbreen
    Registered Users Posts: 8,165 ✭✭✭realdanbreen


    Keyzer wrote: »
    You missed my point - because he's not "mature" enough at 27 in your eyes he never will be. How can you make a sweeping statement like that? How do you know in a year (or 3 or 10) he might reach the level of maturity which you deem acceptable.

    This kind of stuff p1$$es me off big time. It reminds me of those guys who at 27 or 28 still haven't decided what they want to be when they 'grow up'. IMO anyone still living at home being mollycoddled by mum at 27 or still going to school at the same age(usually studying some makeyup course like media studies, social awareness etc) is immature/lazy/insecure/spoiled, take your pick.


  • Options
    #45
    somefeen
    Registered Users Posts: 1,657 ✭✭✭somefeen


    realdanbreen wrote: »
    This kind of stuff p1$$es me off big time. It reminds me of those guys who at 27 or 28 still haven't decided what they want to be when they 'grow up'. IMO anyone still living at home being mollycoddled by mum at 27 or still going to school at the same age(usually studying some makeyup course like media studies, social awareness etc) is immature/lazy/insecure/spoiled, take your pick.

    So much angst....


  • Options
    #46
    Plek Trum
    Registered Users Posts: 1,075 ✭✭✭Plek Trum


    A lot of issues to go through a bit further here OP - To start, its great that you are thinking of this, discussing and exploring all avenues with everyone concerned and trying to figure it all out. Good place to start rather than jumping straight in so well done on that!

    As a mother to a 7 month old (lesbian couple in our 30's) I think you should look at the practical side of things and the proposed living arrangements would be a little concern to me. A baby changes your life completely, I heard this so many times from everyone (I have 4 god children, nephew, close to friends children and used to just accept this ) However once our own baby arrived, we were knocked for six for the initial few months.

    You live in London - can you afford a 3 bedroom house? You and your b/f, your friend and her potential future partner, plus a room for baby? Where will baby stay for the first few months, your room - hers? Parenthood releases a huge amount of new emotions you may not have been expecting, it can be over whelming, over bearing at times, you may grieve for your past life . I am NOT saying this to be negative at all, but this is the reality of it for so many (and often the side that people do not share or talk about until AFTER baby has arrived!) Who will get up during the night, who will take parental leave?

    What happens if you just want snuggle time with your boyfriend and the baby but your friend has taken baby out with her OR visa versa. Are you willing to be up early EVERY saturday and sunday morning, regardless of the week at work you have had? Are you willing to stay in at weekends regardless of whats on and who is around? Will you and your friend work this honestly between you and can you be sure resentment or frustrations wont arise?

    As someone in a committed relationship for over 13 years, its amazing how a baby can induce pressure on a realtionship at the start. Its hard work, BUT SO WORTH IT so please don't think this is a negative post. Its just the practicalities of having a baby can be hard, especially in the early few months. What if you are sick, your friend cannot get time off, who is going to mind the child?

    There is a whole lot more to having a baby than just cot, nappies and toys. I'm not being condescending and apologies if it appears that way - you are a bright young man who is obviously exploring this thoroughly. Take your time and think about life after the baby is here. I could see how a baby and 3 (potentially 4) adults could possibly cause friction and tension.

    Having a baby in the house takes priority above absolutely everything else. What if you and your boyfriend are tired after a week, baby is sick and your friend has people around to visit?

    You are young and, as a male, you have time to think this through (no clock ticking as such!) Would you like to start your family in this shared home environment or would you rather have your family in a house with just you and your partner in time? There's no rush and I wish you all the luck in the world. Having our wee bundle is without doubt the most wonderful, beautiful and amazing thing we have ever done and we are so blessed. It was a big BIG adjustment though, even after a few years of IVF we thought we were ready and boy, did it take time :) Best of luck to you on whatever path you choose, I dont think anyone regrets ever becoming parent, but just think about how you best see this for you longterm.


  • Options
    #47
    A Primal Nut
    Registered Users Posts: 5,949 ✭✭✭A Primal Nut


    wakka12 wrote: »
    Why don't you have a child of your own with your boyfriend if you want one?

    Not biologically possible.
    jobbridge4life wrote: »

    And what if your BF decides later that he really wants a child?

    Nothing stopping him from having a child later. Even if they have a child together only one can be the biological father. So if they both want to be a biological father they will need to have two children anyway.


  • Options
    #48
    wakka12
    Registered Users Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    A Primal Nut wrote: »
    Not biologically possible.



    Nothing stopping him from having a child later. Even if they have a child together only one can be the biological father. So if they both want to be a biological father they will need to have two children anyway.

    Wow serious?
    You can adopt or have a surrogate child


  • Options
    #49
    realdanbreen
    Registered Users Posts: 8,165 ✭✭✭realdanbreen


    Plek Trum wrote: »
    ". What if you and your boyfriend are tired after a week, baby is sick and your friend has people around to visit?

    Anyone who sees the above as being a problem should probably never have children.


  • Options
    #50
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,022 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    wakka12 wrote: »
    Wow serious?
    You can adopt or have a surrogate child

    Again it really isnt that simple. Both of those processes are not something you can do simply or quickly.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #51
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,022 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    realdanbreen wrote: »
    Anyone who sees the above as being a problem should probably never have children.

    Oh look there was a huge context to that post. There really is no point in being so judgemental over a tiny part of it.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #52
    wakka12
    Registered Users Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    Again it really isnt that simple. Both of those processes are not something you can do simply or quickly.

    Why is that?


  • Options
    #53
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,022 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    wakka12 wrote: »
    Why is that?

    Costs, Time, Processes

    With surrogacy there are huge potential costs (going abroad possibly 100,000 eur) and of course finding a surrogate mother can be extremely difficult and time consuming.

    With adoption the number of Irish children put up for adoption is tiny so there is a long waiting list in Ireland of potential adoptive parents. If you adopt from abroad you could be talking a cost of 20,000 or more and a long process of maybe 3-4 years

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #54
    wakka12
    Registered Users Posts: 9,786 ✭✭✭wakka12


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    Costs, Time, Processes

    With surrogacy there are huge potential costs (going abroad possibly 100,000 eur) and of course finding a surrogate mother can be extremely difficult and time consuming.

    With adoption the number of Irish children put up for adoption is tiny so there is a long waiting list in Ireland of potential adoptive parents. If you adopt from abroad you could be talking a cost of 20,000 or more and a long process of maybe 3-4 years

    Oh right, thank you! That does sound like hard work. I hope theres easier ways of starting a family for gay men by the time I think about having children :(


  • Options
    #55
    Plek Trum
    Registered Users Posts: 1,075 ✭✭✭Plek Trum


    realdanbreen wrote: »
    Anyone who sees the above as being a problem should probably never have children.

    My point exactly - it can be hard at times with a sick / teething / unsettled baby and all you may want is a quiet house to settle the child and try and unwind some bit (finally) with your partner. Try doing this with another couple in the house who may have friends visiting / drinks / dinner going on etc would be near impossible. So yes, in response to your comment - if you think this would prove an issue then maybe it would be wise to rethink the practicalities of trying to raise a child in a 4 parent household.


  • Options
    #56
    Pride Before Ignorance
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Pride Before Ignorance


    <snip>


  • Options
    #57
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,022 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »
    Update time people!

    The mother is PREGNANT! We just got confirmation via the pregnancy test today, a big positive symbol :):)

    So, when do I begin to put on weight :P :P :)

    Hmmmm

    It's early days. It's probably really unwise to start telling everyone.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #58
    Pride Before Ignorance
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Pride Before Ignorance


    <snip>


  • Options
    #59
    Ash885
    Registered Users Posts: 639 ✭✭✭Ash885


    Pride Before Ignorance wrote: »
    Can you muster up the willingness to show some bit of positivity to my news? Maybe even a congratulations? If it was a natural pregnancy you wouldn't be making the same comment.

    How about we treat it like a natural pregnancy then so? What Joey says is spot on. Three of my friends and family had miscarriages this month. All told us before the standard time due to excitement. It's only solid advice. Not a downer, just to air on the side of caution. To say the good news was amazing is an understatement; to say the result was crushing is also an understatement. Oh and btw they were all "natural" whatever way you want to take that...

    Congratz though.


  • Options
    #60
    Pride Before Ignorance
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Pride Before Ignorance


    <snip>


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #61
    Ash885
    Registered Users Posts: 639 ✭✭✭Ash885


    Well if looking for some sort of gratification from strangers online is your thing mate, better now than never burst that bubble. Was only reinforcing Joey's statement very early to be telling. Take that what you want.


Advertisement