Stingy husband I'm just sick of it.

LegacyUser

Going anon for this.
Am married over 10 yrs and have been together for over 20yrs.
We are very lucky, a lovely house, 3 amazing kids and we both work. I'm lucky enough to be job-sharing and he works full time. Our incomes are roughly the same.
Our accounts are separate. I pay all the household bills and run my own car. He gives me cash each week that covers barely food and pays Child minder. Without this cash I wouldn't have a penny. If any unexpected child or house related expense pops up then It's my total responsibility . My wages are mostly gone on direct debits. The rest covers kids clothes, school expenses, Xmas, birthdays, entertaining and basically everything else. I don't buy clothes, I dint go out, we don't go on hols. If I'm short I can't ask him for a penny. It will not be given. On occasions I've needed to take a child to the doctor he won't give me the cash I have to tell doc I'll drop the money in another time . This is a shi**ty way to live. I have €13 in my wallet to last til Saturday . Thus must cover work lunch and milk and bread that's needed.

Worst thing is he has €13,000 saved. I've not a penny. It freaks me out that there is no saving there For unexpected dental, health and college. It's really affecting lately that he has money but even when I need it, I'm not to ask for it. I make lists of monthly expenses and I manage. I'm not sure how but I do. Currently on my list is €500 for car service, 3 kids back to school expenses, car tax, and a few day trips so kids think we had a summer. I need new glasses. I can't afford them. Jesus writing this is hard. I feel so worth less. But fuuck it . I'm educated in a good job. But I'm penny pinching. It just does not add up.

Before kids it did not matter as I was earning more than enough. Him being stingy never mattered. Once job sharing came up he said I had to take it for kids sake. I'm gone at 7am and back at 6pm. That's too hard in the kids 5days. Today he said if I'm not managing to go back full time. How will kids be able for school with those hours. It's too hard. Stupid thing is that if he stayed at home and I went back full time we'd be si well off. But make pride dictates that he works long shiity hours of back breaking work for handy money. Tbh his health won't take it much longer anyway.

It feels like I'm paying a high price for always being able to manage. I'm tired. I want to be minded for a while. Seems a tall order to do majority of childminding and housework and yet be expected to cover 90% of costs too.

It's true I should have seen this coming. But feic it how do I make this better.

I don't want fancy hols or clothes from BTs . I'm actually low maintenance. All I want is to be able to give the kids all they need. When I hear people talking about the cost of teenagers I just panic. How will I cope then. ?

Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

That "clown" of a husband needs a bloody good shaking. EVERYTHING, in a marriage is shared, that means EVERY wage & EVERY bill. This man is a batchelor in all but name. He's a disgrace to all decent husbands and fathers.

ash23

Write down all your joint expenses (household and child related including a monthly average for birthdays, school, Christmas etc). Set up an account specifically for bills and each put half the above amount into the account.
As you both earn the same, you will each have the same amount left for your own personal expenses.

Don't back down. Tell him the figure and the date the money is to be in the account for and if he fails to do that, he will be responsible for any late fees or missed direct debit charges. Also be open to seeing if the amounts can be reduced or are open for discussion - he might prefer to spend less on certain things or feel that a figure could be reduced or eliminated. Be prepared to discuss and compromise if possible.

It's not right that he is able to have a nest egg while you struggle. You should also consider a joint savings account for the children's unexpected expenses and their future.

LegacyUser

ThAnjs ash23

I've suggested just that numerous time. No way he will not do it. He says cancel the life policy, let the esb be missed he simply does not care. Don't get them presents, don't give other kids presents. He is just totally unreasonable.
What scares me is that as the highest potential earner I could be supporting him if we split.

His parents had s totally messed up relationship where he ever had s penny as she took total control. I know this is what scares him. But ffs he cannot do the same to me. I've begged him to go to counselling, no way. I'm scared that I'm starting to hate him. I'm earning good money. I should be able to buy new clothes on occasion. I'm sick of explaying why we don't go on hold. I'm sick of dodging nights out with my friends. I'm sick of us not going out as a purple. I'm sick of feeling alone.

Thanks for advice

woodchuck

So what exactly does HE pay for?

Household and kids expenses should be split... but it doesn't sound like that's the case at all?

LegacyUser

Well from what you describe it seems like they are 'your' kids and 'your' responsibility!!. Yes op thats a terrible way to live. Why you are you paying for everything and he's paying for nothing!
The finances should be shared especially since you have kids together, was it like this before you got married?
Time to have a serious chat and do up a google spreadsheet of all income spent, boring as it is but start keeping receipts for everything you spend on the house and kids and maybe get him to take over some direct debits or set up a shared account that's for all household expenses.
He gives you money for food and for the childminder ? Ffs!

meeeeh

OP I actually think you are in abusive relationship. He is controlling you with money. He is not doing much and if it was up to me, I would start "saving" and stop buying food for him or paying for any expenses that might benefit him. Btw you don't need to explain yourself. In a relationship where you are obviously able to save (jointly) you shouldn't need to apologize for buying some clothes for yourself.

I think stinginess is a terrible character trait and can bring enormous amount of misery to people.

Tigger99

The fact that he has that much saved when you are struggling because you are paying for everything is disgusting. Tbh I'd wonder is he planning to leave and is just saving to do that.

I'm sorry I've no advice on what to do to persuade him, but what he is doing is so wrong.

Neyite

Financial Abuse is a recognised form of domestic abuse. What you've described OP goes beyond stingy. Stingy is ducking out of the pub when its his round. For a father to not even pay for a doctor visit for his sick child, is withholding medical treatment and is domestic abuse, in the form of financial control.

You've done all you can to plead and beg and reason with him. And he wont budge. He is not going to change. You have €13,000 in a bank account and you cant afford bread, or to get yourself a new pair of glasses? As you say, Fcuk that.

So what is next, OP? Do you want to split? Or do you want to continue to live the way you are with increasing costs in the household and no way to meet them while he continues to salt away his precious cash?

ihavenoname3

you should divorce him, keep all evidence of his stinginess and how you are struggling, the court will rule in your favor.

kylith

Unfortunately this is a situation where I would sit down with a breakdown of all bills and tell him that you expect him to hand over 50% of mortgage, utility, school, doctor, etc. bills or you'll be filing for divorce and will make damn sure that you get 50% of every penny he has as well as the house and court mandated child maintenance. Because honestly you'd be better off if you did leave him.

fed up sick and tired

Disillusioned wife wrote: »

ThAnjs ash23

I've suggested just that numerous time. No way he will not do it. He says cancel the life policy, let the esb be missed he simply does not care. Don't get them presents, don't give other kids presents. He is just totally unreasonable.
What scares me is that as the highest potential earner I could be supporting him if we split.

His parents had s totally messed up relationship where he ever had s penny as she took total control. I know this is what scares him. But ffs he cannot do the same to me. I've begged him to go to counselling, no way. I'm scared that I'm starting to hate him. I'm earning good money. I should be able to buy new clothes on occasion. I'm sick of explaying why we don't go on hold. I'm sick of dodging nights out with my friends. I'm sick of us not going out as a purple. I'm sick of feeling alone.

Thanks for advice

Sounds like a man of my acquaintance who at a certain point in life just had a sort of functioning mental breakdown. Not caring about the ESB is not rational behaviour.

CaraMay

He's abusing you op. You need to tell him to leave, get an au pair and go back to work full time. He will then have to pay appropriate court mandated maintenance and you will have this miser out of your house and head. That's an awful wY to live you poor thing

LegacyUser

Are their bills that you pay but he cares more about broadband, sky tv etc obviously not a soliution but might be a wake up call but if your account is acurate he's perhaps top far gone

I presume you haven't been a shopaholic with a gambling problem before

fed up sick and tired

Disillusioned wife wrote: »

Going anon for this.
Am married over 10 yrs and have been together for over 20yrs. ....

How do you know he has 13k in savings ? Why do you think he feels the need to do that ?

Does this concern you at all...

Tbh his health won't take it much longer anyway.

?

And what does it mean to say...

But make pride dictates that he works long shiity hours of back breaking work for handy money

While also saying...

I'm lucky enough to be job-sharing and he works full time. Our incomes are roughly the same... I'm educated in a good job.

?


If he's always been like this, then it's your own fault. As you say yourself...

Before kids it did not matter as I was earning more than enough. Him being stingy never mattered.

Together for ten years with a miser before you even got married to him ? Weird.

Once job sharing came up he said I had to take it for kids sake.

Do you consider yourself someone easily pushed around ?

Are all the direct debits in your name only ? If so, how did that happen ?

Just trying to understand this, is all. In my experience there is always more to these stories than meets the eye.

fed up sick and tired

CaraMay wrote: »

He's abusing you op. You need to tell him to leave, get an au pair and go back to work full time. He will then have to pay appropriate court mandated maintenance and you will have this miser out of your house and head. That's an awful wY to live you poor thing

Do you believe everything you're told, without question ?

Taltos

Mod Note:
fed up sick and tired - your last two posts are below the standard this forum insists on. And were you a regular poster here would have resulted in a minimum of a card.
Please take some time now to read our charter. Due to the types of issues people seek help with here we are quite strict in terms of what is permissible and just in case there is any doubt - victim blaming, insulting other posters are both not on. No matter how helpful you think you are being.

fed up sick and tired

Taltos wrote: »

Mod Note:
fed up sick and tired - your last two posts are below the standard this forum insists on. And were you a regular poster here would have resulted in a minimum of a card.
Please take some time now to read our charter. Due to the types of issues people seek help with here we are quite strict in terms of what is permissible and just in case there is any doubt - victim blaming, insulting other posters are both not on. No matter how helpful you think you are being.

I honestly didn't realise any of this.

I absolutely didn't insult anybody, so please be clear about that. Whether or not they were offended, is a different thing.

What a silly policy - people can come along and look for advice and you can't ask them for logical/non-mollycoddling clarification as to what they mean ?

I'll leave you all to it.

Mod Edit: Arguing with a mod on thread.

meeeeh

I think whatever the details of the situation are no decent parent would refuse to pay for kid's medical bill (if they have money) in order to school their partner.

barneystinson

CaraMay wrote: »

He's abusing you op. You need to tell him to leave, get an au pair and go back to work full time. He will then have to pay appropriate court mandated maintenance and you will have this miser out of your house and head. That's an awful wY to live you poor thing

Interesting that you can tell what the OP "needs" to do, without ever having met her or her husband, and with nothing more to go on than a couple of anonymous posts on an Internet forum...

Don't get me wrong, something clearly has to give in that household, if one takes the OP's posts at face value, but surely there are other avenues to be exhausted before pushing the nuclear button.

Huntergonzo

Did you know he was stingy before you married him and had 3 kids? That's not a popular question I know but I have to ask.

Now either way it doesn't really matter you have to demand more money but if you knew he was stingy before marriage then I have no sympathy, if you didn't then I certainly do.

Neyite

Huntergonzo wrote: »

Did you know he was stingy before you married him and had 3 kids? That's not a popular question I know but I have to ask.

Now either way it doesn't really matter you have to demand more money but if you knew he was stingy before marriage then I have no sympathy, if you didn't then I certainly do.

How could she have known that he was the kind of man who would withhold the money for a doctor from his own kids before she married??

Enough with the victim blaming on this thread. Leaving your kids without medical treatment or clothes or decent food is abuse, not stingyness. The OP could not have forseen this kind of financial control from him.

CaraMay

barneystinson wrote: »

Interesting that you can tell what the OP "needs" to do, without ever having met her or her husband, and with nothing more to go on than a couple of anonymous posts on an Internet forum...

Don't get me wrong, something clearly has to give in that household, if one takes the OP's posts at face value, but surely there are other avenues to be exhausted before pushing the nuclear button.

Like what? She has talked to him and a man who has been this mean got years (and gotten away with it) won't change so she does need to go - for her sanity

Huntergonzo

Neyite wrote: »

How could she have known that he was the kind of man who would withhold the money for a doctor from his own kids before she married??

Enough with the victim blaming on this thread. Leaving your kids without medical treatment or clothes or decent food is abuse, not stingyness. The OP could not have forseen this kind of financial control from him.

What how could you possibly have known that the stingy person would withhold money??? Haha give me a break for fcuk sake, THAT'S WHAT STINGY PEOPLE DO, it's exactly what you should expect and marriage anf kids etc doesn't change them.

Ps, don't forget I told her she needs to demand more money though, that's a given. Also it's not 'victim' blaming, a victim is usually innocent, if you know someone is stingy and then marry them, how are you innocent?

meeeeh

Huntergonzo wrote: »

Did you know he was stingy before you married him and had 3 kids? That's not a popular question I know but I have to ask.

Now either way it doesn't really matter you have to demand more money but if you knew he was stingy before marriage then I have no sympathy, if you didn't then I certainly do.

Actually it is very easy to miss. I am pretty sure op was working full time before in a well paid job. She was main earner and usually the better off person contributes more to running of household. The financial pressures increased with children and op's income got lower so she became more reliant on her partner. Our lives change and what can be slightly annoying in certain circumstances can become unbearable in another set of circumstances.

barneystinson

CaraMay wrote: »

Like what? She has talked to him and a man who has been this mean got years (and gotten away with it) won't change so she does need to go - for her sanity

OK I'll try once more: It's very easy on the Internet to blithely suggest to people that they take radical, life-altering decisions, before you even know all of the actual facts and circumstances. Are you seriously suggesting she should do this, right now, rather than go for independent and impartial help / advice first (other than from random people online)??

DeltaWhite

ash23 wrote: »

Write down all your joint expenses (household and child related including a monthly average for birthdays, school, Christmas etc). Set up an account specifically for bills and each put half the above amount into the account.
As you both earn the same, you will each have the same amount left for your own personal expenses.

Don't back down. Tell him the figure and the date the money is to be in the account for and if he fails to do that, he will be responsible for any late fees or missed direct debit charges. Also be open to seeing if the amounts can be reduced or are open for discussion - he might prefer to spend less on certain things or feel that a figure could be reduced or eliminated. Be prepared to discuss and compromise if possible.

It's not right that he is able to have a nest egg while you struggle. You should also consider a joint savings account for the children's unexpected expenses and their future.

This by a million. You sound so fed up OP, really feel sorry for you but I definitely think Ash23 has outlined the best option for you. Can see that you've suggested that numerous times, but he is going to have to be forced to sit down with you or else there's not much point in continuing down this road. The thoughts of what would happen if you were in a dire emergency, and he's just sitting on his wad of cash not willing to even engage with you about it... He sounds like a teenager.

Ps.... There must be a few people who had their cornflakes wee'd on this morning because there's some really harsh and smart arse comments. Nice to see on a Monday morning!

Taltos

Mod note:
Barney - please stop this line of argument immediately.
It's off topic and more importantly is NOT helpful to the OP.
If you insist on repeating this type of argument here you're going to force to mods to infract or ban you.

Thanks
Taltos

Neyite

OP, This is what Women's Aid have to say about financial abuse:

Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence in which the abuser uses money as a means of controlling his partner. It is a tactic that abusers use to gain power and dominance over their partners and is designed to isolate a woman into a state of complete financial dependence. By controlling the woman's access to financial resources the abuser ensures that she will be forced to choose between staying in an abusive relationship and facing extreme poverty.
It includes:

• Controlling the family finances
• Not being allowed to have independent income
• Having to account for all purchases including providing receipts and account for all spending.
• Not being allowed to buy personal items such as tampons and sanitary towels.
• Taking all of the woman's bank cards and emptying joint accounts.
• Non-payment or erratic payment of child maintenance.
• Women's signatures being forged on cheques.
• Withholding money because women do not want to have sex.
• Denying money for food for women and the children and money to pay household bills.
• Using the recession to justify the abuse.

Have a think about how many apply to your family. Then when you are ready, have a read of this.

Huntergonzo

meeeeh wrote: »

Actually it is very easy to miss. I am pretty sure op was working full time before in a well paid job. She was main earner and usually the better off person contributes more to running of household. The financial pressures increased with children and op's income got lower so she became more reliant on her partner. Our lives change and what can be slightly annoying in certain circumstances can become unbearable in another set of circumstances.

I appreciate that people and circumstances change over time and if it's a case that he got stingy after marriage then I absolutely sympathize, there's no excuse for that. But again I say if she knew he was stingy before married I have no sympathy, what else could you expect, honestly?

Also stinginess in not hard to miss, if you know someone pretty well (which you certainly should before marriage) there's a good chance you also know whether they're stingy or not, I honestly don't know how you could miss that trait.

Ps, I'm aware that my sentiments are not popular but I'm not trolling, this is just my genuine view of things.

Addle

Is it not a good thing, for the family, that one of them has a 'nest egg'?

strandroad

Huntergonzo wrote: »

Also stinginess in not hard to miss, if you know someone pretty well (which you certainly should before marriage) there's a good chance you also know whether they're stingy or not, I honestly don't know how you could miss that trait.

Stinginess as in not liking to spend money on one's holidays or clothes is very different to withholding a medical treatment from your child or ignoring utility bills... this is either abuse or mental health issue.

Neyite

Addle wrote: »

Is it not a good thing, for the family, that one of them has a 'nest egg'?

Not when little children are going hungry.

Huntergonzo

mhge wrote: »

Stinginess as in not liking to spend money on one's holidays or clothes is very different to withholding a medical treatment from your child or ignoring utility bills... this is either abuse or mental health issue.

I agree the circumstances are much different, unwillingness to spend money on holidays and cloths etc is a pain, unwillingness to spend money when your child needs medical care is abhorrent. But the definition remains the same, stingy = "reluctant to give or spend; not generous; niggardly; penurious".

So please people, do not be surprised when the stingy person does stingy things.........they're stingy!

Chemical Byrne

You say he earns good money op, then where on earth is it all going every month?
A drink problem would be evident enough. Do you think it could be possible that he might have a gambling problem and is squandering it all? I have heard of so so many people who have made life hell for their family by gambling every last penny they could get their hands on. It is totally unforgivable in my opinion.

Do you two have sex? Could you try withholding sex from him to see if he can be forced into being more responsible?

miamee

Huntergonzo wrote: »

I agree the circumstances are much different, unwillingness to spend money on holidays and cloths etc is a pain, unwillingness to spend money when your child needs medical care is abhorrent. But the definition remains the same, stingy = "reluctant to give or spend; not generous; niggardly; penurious".

So please people, do not be surprised when the stingy person does stingy things.........they're stingy!

Some of the things the OP has described regarding his refusal to pay for things related to his own children are not stingy, they are neglectful.

Huntergonzo

miamee wrote: »

Some of the things the OP has described regarding his refusal to pay for things related to his own children are not stingy, they are neglectful.

They certainly are negligent but they're caused by his stinginess, that's the main problem here.

power pants

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

You say he earns good money op, then where on earth is it all going every month?
A drink problem would be evident enough. Do you think it could be possible that he might have a gambling problem and is squandering it all? I have heard of so so many people who have made life hell for their family by gambling every last penny they could get their hands on. It is totally unforgivable in my opinion.

Do you two have sex? Could you try withholding sex from him to see if he can be forced into being more responsible?

I dont think sex has anything to do with op's situation

OP, I think it boils down to what you think the future holds for you as a family. If you want to remain as a family or seek a divorce?

Neyite

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Do you two have sex? Could you try withholding sex from him to see if he can be forced into being more responsible?

You honestly think that she should create a situation where he pays her household money for sex??

That has NO place in any kind of marriage or relationship.

Chemical Byrne

Neyite wrote: »

You honestly think that she should create a situation where he pays her household money for sex??

That has NO place in any kind of marriage or relationship.

No, that's not what I'm suggesting. He is clearly not listening to her now and what I suggest is to withhold sex as a means of getting him to sit up and listen and then influence him to change his ways.

What he is doing has no place in a marriage or relationship either.

I'd be surprised if they were having sex anyway, I mean it all sounds very stale by the account given by the op so far.
Anyhow, married 20 years they're probably well into the 40s or more.

power pants

Ill probably take a banning

but the more you post and always about sex, its creepy

Chemical Byrne

What?
Care to elaborate?

LegacyUser

Disillusioned wife wrote: »

ThAnjs ash23

I've suggested just that numerous time. No way he will not do it. He says cancel the life policy, let the esb be missed he simply does not care. Don't get them presents, don't give other kids presents. He is just totally unreasonable.
What scares me is that as the highest potential earner I could be supporting him if we split.

His parents had s totally messed up relationship where he ever had s penny as she took total control. I know this is what scares him. But ffs he cannot do the same to me. I've begged him to go to counselling, no way. I'm scared that I'm starting to hate him. I'm earning good money. I should be able to buy new clothes on occasion. I'm sick of explaying why we don't go on hold. I'm sick of dodging nights out with my friends. I'm sick of us not going out as a purple. I'm sick of feeling alone.

Thanks for advice

Just because his parents had a messed up marriage doesn't mean he should act in the same way as his own mother. What kind of example is he giving the kids? By staying with him then its likely one of your kids is going to turn out like him. Stingy and mean.
There's being tight with money but not paying for bills like esb, kids doctors bills and necessities like food is just shirking responsibilities. I find it very difficult to believe you didn't know what he was like before taking the plunge and having kids with him.

Neyite

power pants wrote: »

Ill probably take a banning

but the more you post and always about sex, its creepy

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

What?
Care to elaborate?

Take it to pm and don't derail the thread, please.

Huntergonzo

There seems to be an outpour of sympathy here and support for posts that reflect the sympathy.

Now again this is not going to be popular, but please people, use your heads, if you're going out with somebody who you know is stingy, then please do not expect them to change because they won't and no marriage or children will change them. No matter how much you think you love someone, life is always going to be difficult living with a miser, spare yourselves the anguish.

giggle84

Even if the OP knew he was slow to get a round in or buy her a bunch of flowers before they got married, and even if she "should" have known he'd always be stingy, their children are on this planet now and he has a legal and moral obligation to meet all of their needs including financially.

His neglect/abusive behaviour is NOT the OP's fault and all the assertions here that she is somehow to blame are despicable.

As for the suggestion that she make this about sex.. I have no words.

Huntergonzo

giggle84 wrote: »

His neglect/abusive behaviour is NOT the OP's fault and all the assertions here that she is somehow to blame are despicable.

Of course it's not her fault that he's mean, but if she knew he was mean then why marry him and expect him to change, this isn't a fairytale you know, this is real life.

Misers don't like spending money so don't marry a miser and complain that they're unwilling to spend money, that's not a despicable thing to say, it's a logical thing to say.

nc19

Disillusioned wife wrote:

......I want to be minded for a while........

While I agree that he should pay his fair share this ^ just set feminism back a few years


He sounds like a pr1ck. My wife earns more than me. She pays the gas/electric, the weekly shopping most of the time. I pay house insurance,we spilt the creche fees 50/50. Mortgage is 50/50 I fix things in the house and the cars. I buy most of the take aways (the rare times we get them) I pay for the bins, I pay for other groceries during the week. We use my car most and I pay for petrol.

He needs to cop on

B0jangles

Huntergonzo wrote: »

There seems to be an outpour of sympathy here and support for posts that reflect the sympathy.

Now again this is not going to be popular, but please people, use your heads, if you're going out with somebody who you know is stingy, then please do not expect them to change because they won't and no marriage or children will change them. No matter how much you think you love someone, life is always going to be difficult living with a miser, spare yourselves the anguish.

And how exactly is this of any use to the OP? Do you have a time machine she can use to go back and not marry/have kids with this man?

OP - I can only echo the good advice you've already received from Ash23, if only as a starting point but if he cannot even acknowledge that he is not contributing anything like his fair share to supporting his family, then I really can't see a positive outcome for your situation that doesn't involve him being legally forced to help feed, clothe and maintain the health of his children.

giggle84

Huntergonzo wrote: »

Of course it's not her fault that he's mean, but if she knew he was mean then why marry him and expect him to change, this isn't a fairytale you know, this is real life.

Misers don't like spending money so don't marry a miser and complain that they're unwilling to spend money, that's not a despicable thing to say, it's a logical thing to say.

I don't think it's unreasonable or illogical to expect that once you have a child that your husband, albeit a miserly one, will help to financially support that child.

giggle84

B0jangles wrote: »

And how exactly is this of any use to the OP? Do you have a time machine she can use to go back and not marry/have kids with this man?

Exactly. It doesn't matter what she should have or shouldn't have predicted, these children exist and their financial needs have to be met by both of their parents.