Worst excuses you've ever heard?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Last weekend I was relaxing at home in front of the telly, just about to head to bed, when my phone beeped. It was a text from a woman I'd see on and off, whenever we were both on a night out. She wanted to know if I wanted to come over for some 'fun'. I text back 'yeah sure, on the way' and hopped in the car.

This one wouldn't really do commitment, she'd prefer to have a casual thing with a couple of different guys, just in case one wasn't available. For some strange reason, she's not very open about stating this.

Anyway, I went over and stayed the night and had a shower the next morning, went to leave. Got out to the car and the bloody tyre was flat, so I started changing it. As I was changing the tyre, I saw a car about to drive into the driveway, saw me, and sped off again. I recognized the driver, I knew he'd had a fling with the lady in question in the past too. I had a lil chuckle thinking that she must have asked him to come over, when she was drunk last night.

I finished the tyre and decided, in her hungover state, to wind her up a little.

Walked back in and she said:

"Get the wheel changed?"

"Yep, all done. How come Noel was calling over here?"

"Who?" Big confused face on..

"Noel, you know Noel. Drives the blue Astra."

"Oh him, yeah. He wasn't calling over here"

"He was, I was about to say hello but he sort of panicked and went off in a hurry"

At this point you could almost SEE the worry on her face as she racked her brains to come up with an answer..

"Yeah.. yeah.. Sure he's the tv license inspector, he could've been just over to check that"

:pac: :pac: :pac: :pac:

It's half 11 on a sunday morning, the tv license inspector is just doing a nixer on his own time!

"Yeah, that was probably it so" I said with a grin and a wave as I jumped in the car and went back home to my own bed.

Anybody else got any good one's?

Roquentin

its not you, its me

fussyonion

"It was my father/son/brother/wife/dog who used my Boards account while I wasn't looking."

the evasion_kid

I used to work with this very religious Nigerian fella,Abdul, he used to not turn up for work days at a time and not ring in, my supervisor got sick of him, rang him one day after he was missing and asked him why he was out of work..."I have voices in my head"......wtf do you say to that?.....actually thats a brilliant excuse now that I think of it,who'd argue with it!

ArnoldJRimmer

the evasion_kid wrote: »

I used to work with this very religious Nigerian fella,Abdul, he used to not turn up for work days at a time and not ring in, my supervisor got sick of him, rang him one day after he was missing and asked him why he was out of work..."I have voices in my head"......wtf do you say to that?.....actually thats a brilliant excuse now that I think of it,who'd argue with it!

Worked in India for a while, and once got the excuse, 'I cant come in because my eyes don't work today.' He came in the next day miraculously healed.

Dr Turk Turkelton

ArnoldJRimmer wrote: »

Worked in India for a while, and once got the excuse, 'I cant come in because my eyes don't work today.' He came in the next day miraculously healed.

Maybe by his eyes not working he meant that he couldn't see himself coming in that day!

Magico Gonzalez

Someone I know soiled themselves after drinking far too much. He was found lying on top of his bed with the evidence smeared up his back.

He came around and started giving out, shouting "who the fck let the dog in here, someone's dog has shat all over me" at anyone who could stop themselves from laughing long enough to listen.

libelula

"I only just got your text"


Fcuk off.

branie2

The money was resting in my account!

The Backwards Man

Used to be a fella, we'll call him Johnny, was late for work every single morning without fail. Eventually the bossman, we'll call him Mr. Bossman, had enough, and called Johnny into the office.

He says, 'Johnny this just won't do, put yourself in my position for a minute, come on, sit here and be me and I'll pretend to be you.'

So Johnny sits in the bossman's chair and the boss goes outside and knocks on the door and comes back in, pretending to be Johnny. He says, 'I'm sorry Mr.Bossman, this is the third time this week I've been late and it's only Wednesday.'

So Johnny leans back in the bossman's chair, puts his hands behind his head and says 'Don't be fretting about it Johnny, you're time enough for all you're getting'

whiskeyman

"I've a headache"

darkpagandeath

"It's a conservation Grant"

razorblunt

Worked with a lad who'd dissapear for way over an hour over his lunch break. We're talking anywhere between 80 mins to 2 hours every single day, 5 days a week. When pushed he said he "was going to Church", so the boss pops along the next day and yer man is nowhere to be seen. He just fancied himself a longer break.

Collie D

I was going to post up a great excuse but the dog ate it

Archeron

Collie D wrote: »

I was going to post up a great excuse but the dog ate it

I was going use that excuse but I don't have a dog.

Timberrrrrrrr

I fell over and that's how that cucumber ended up inserted inside me.

RichT

"I slipped"..........

Often heard in an A&E department when an object needs to be removed from an orifice or extremity.

stimpson

I used to have a French boss. He came over to give me grief as to why I turned up to work at 11:30 on a Monday morning. I told him the truth: the girlfriend was horny and I had to give her a seeing to before I came in. Being French he didn't have a problem. Slapped me in the back, laughed and walked away.

maxwell smart

When working in the states:

So a guy is late every day for work. Eventually it comes up the chain to me and I have to speak to him

'So tell me Mike, how come your late every day' Says Max

Well Max, I am down at the post office' Says Mike

'Why is that Mike'

'I am watching them. They are everywhere, they think we don't know about them but I know'

'I see.....do you have a gun Mike?'

'Yes why?'

'Do you have it with you?'

'Yes, in case they discover I am on to them'

'Very good Mike. You carry on and if you think they are onto you come tell me straight away'

'Thanks Max, I thought I was in trouble when you called me in, but I am so glad you understand. I will watch your back'

3 weeks later when leaving on a trip home to Ireland I told HR to fire Mike!

major bill

lad 20 mins late for work nearly every day for 3 weeks bare in mind he only lived 10 mins away ''ah they are doing road works on the road in'' Leave fooking earlier then

HalloweenJack

Remember in sixth year I took a day off to be with my bird while my ma was away. About 11, she got a call that they were asking about her in the school so she went off. Decided to do the same so landed into school at around 12.

Straightaway bumped into the year head who asked me where I'd been. Told him my alarm didn't go off and had just woke up. Can't believe he bought it.

lizzyman

fussyonion wrote: »

"It was my father/son/brother/wife/dog who used my Boards account while I wasn't looking."

If you can find it, there is an epic thread in the prison forum about a guy claiming his son was using his boards account while he was away on holidays. Starts out with a white lie and ends up snowballing to an epic adventure involving private jets to Crete.

The_Valeyard

The Cunning Linguist wrote: »

Last weekend I was relaxing at home in front of the telly, just about to head to bed, when my phone beeped. It was a text from a woman I'd see on and off, whenever we were both on a night out. She wanted to know if I wanted to come over for some 'fun'. I text back 'yeah sure, on the way' and hopped in the car.

This one wouldn't really do commitment, she'd prefer to have a casual thing with a couple of different guys, just in case one wasn't available. For some strange reason, she's not very open about stating this.

Anyway, I went over and stayed the night and had a shower the next morning, went to leave. Got out to the car and the bloody tyre was flat, so I started changing it. As I was changing the tyre, I saw a car about to drive into the driveway, saw me, and sped off again. I recognized the driver, I knew he'd had a fling with the lady in question in the past too. I had a lil chuckle thinking that she must have asked him to come over, when she was drunk last night.

I finished the tyre and decided, in her hungover state, to wind her up a little.

Walked back in and she said:

"Get the wheel changed?"

"Yep, all done. How come Noel was calling over here?"

"Who?" Big confused face on..

"Noel, you know Noel. Drives the blue Astra."

"Oh him, yeah. He wasn't calling over here"

"He was, I was about to say hello but he sort of panicked and went off in a hurry"

At this point you could almost SEE the worry on her face as she racked her brains to come up with an answer..

"Yeah.. yeah.. Sure he's the tv license inspector, he could've been just over to check that"

:pac: :pac: :pac: :pac:

It's half 11 on a sunday morning, the tv license inspector is just doing a nixer on his own time!

"Yeah, that was probably it so" I said with a grin and a wave as I jumped in the car and went back home to my own bed.

Anybody else got any good one's?

Couple of things doing to mind here.

Firstly.....nice way to disguise a thread into boasting that you got some yum yum.

Secondly if she be fishin around that easy, hope you covered the bishop.

Thirdly....are you heading back for seconds?

Fourthly ..... Have you paid your tv licence?

Finally could another guy have given you a flat tyre since you got to head over to her first?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

The_Valeyard wrote: »

Couple of things doing to mind here.

Firstly.....nice way to disguise a thread into boasting that you got some yum yum.

Cunning, would you say?

Secondly if she be fishin around that easy, hope you covered the bishop.

I'm a very careful man, Father.

Thirdly....are you heading back for seconds?

No immediate plans. Probably will, though.

Fourthly ..... Have you paid your tv licence?

I haven't :eek:

Finally could another guy have given you a flat tyre since you got to head over to her first?

Possible, I doubt it, but then again you'd never know.

bear1

We have one ongoing situation now with this eejit of a "worker".
Since march she has worked maybe 3/4 weeks.
Her excuses have ranged from I've crashed my car to I'm in hospital.
Best one was that she texted in saying she is dying with the flu and she cant come to work. Fair enough just bring the cert.
She came back with the nicest tan wed ever seen, couldn't believe it.
Actually, cant decide if she is a moron or bloody smart considering she is on full pay

Mint Aero

You sound desperately jealous OP.

lizzyman

Some of the ones on adverts are great, chancers who get cold feet after making an offer

"There was a death in the family"
"I was in England"
"I was bed bound with the flu"

Luke92

In school. No school shoes on just a pair of runners. Teacher asks where my shoes are. Told her they were wet. She tells me it wasn't raining. I tell her my uncle wore them out drinking and urinated himself and my shoes.

She didn't ask anything after that.

il gatto

Friend of mine actually had his dog eat his homework. Made the mistake of being honest with the teacher. Detention.
Another guy missed a day or two and one of the teachers asked him where he's been. Said his granny had died. Unfortunately he's already used that excuse twice over the years and somehow the teacher remembered it. No detention but was made feel very stupid.

animaal

"I won it on the horses".

Jogathon

Used just three weeks ago by a parent from one of the kids in sixth class....the dog attacked his project so he has none. He had done nothing on it for over a month and she came in and tried to cover for him. Useless. She is doing him no favours in life!

NachoBusiness

On the Oprah show Lorena Bobbitt said she only threw her husband's penis out the window of her car as she was having difficulty driving whilst holding it.

Colonel_McCoy

Back in the day when almost everybody was on mobile top up and there wasnt any freeprovider to provider texts.

Girl texts my friend "Why wont you reply to my texts?"

His reply "I cant, I dont have any credit"

A fellow who made up some thread about excuses, to excuse the fact that he wanted to announce that he's riding the neighbour!

Reoil

"I thought the mod was being a dick".

When my youngest was about 3 or 4 she had toys all over the siting room I asked her to tidy them up and her reply was ..My little arms cant do it!! you will have to tidy them up.

NachoBusiness

Colonel_McCoy wrote: »

Back in the day when almost everybody was on mobile top up and there wasnt any freeprovider to provider texts.

Girl texts my friend "Why wont you reply to my texts?"

His reply "I cant, I dont have any credit"

Back in the day?? I don't have enough credit to send a text today, genuinely. I'm with Tesco and the 30 days of free calls, online texts etc expired a few days ago. Went to AC/DC and now I'm smashed. As that really a rarity that people don't have enough to top-up now and then? Crickey. Maybe I'm just bad with money.

fleet_admiral

Kp in work is constantly late and its really starting to bug me. Last Sunday he was an hour late and a normally calm me had enough and laced into him when he arrived.
He works on the market in Balbriggan on Sunday morning which I dont mind but the constant lateness has gotten too much. His excuse last Sunday: I sold lots of honey and had to stay back to count my money.
He got a cleaning list the length of your arm and didnt utter one word for the rest of the day. He is literally on his last warning

Sunnyisland

Years ago I worked in a very big structural engineering firm, Anyway was talking on the shop floor to two other men ,me being an apprentice, yapping away when the top foreman steams over and says, Oi what I tell you about talking on the shop floor , me being very young and sheepish said erm I wasent talking, he says then what were ya doing, I said I was listening ... It got a good laugh suppose you had to be there.