How do I be brave in the face of terminal illness?

Diamond Doll

TarPatrice wrote: »

I'll tried to boil it down to my greatest sources of sadness and fear.

- my loved ones and how they'll cope
- the loneliness my boyfriend will feel. I desperately want him to move on quickly, I don't want him to retreat
- fears about the final stages of illness

- In a way, the best way you can help your loved ones cope is by relying them and letting them help you as much as possible in the time you have left. Thank them regularly and honestly for every thing they do for you - big and small. Leave them knowing that they did everything in their power to make the last of your time on earth as happy and as comfortable as possible. It may feel at times as though accepting help is a weakness, or that it's unnecessary at times, but allowing them to care for you is as much for their sake as yours. It must be so frustrating for them knowing they can do nothing to save you, so at least give them the opportunities to do whatever they CAN do to help.

- As for your boyfriend - put yourself in his shoes. If he were the one dying, wouldn't you feel quite angry and upset at any suggesting of him wanting you to move on quickly after his death? He will grieve your death, and will miss you, and he'll move on with his life - but at his own pace. Don't pressurise him with expectations or wishes about how/when he'll move on afterwards. He'll have to find his own ways and coping mechanisms. Please try not to worry too much about him (easier said than done, I know!)

- I can only imagine how worrying it might be to think about the final stages of your illness. There is excellent palliative care available, which will help enormously with the physical suffering, but I imagine the mental anguish will be more difficult. I guess the best way is to confront it head on. Plan your funeral and plan how you'd like to be remembered. Look at all your achievements in life, and plan whether there is anything else you want to do in the time you have left. Don't be afraid to reach out to those close to you about your fears. It may be worth discussing with your healthcare providers whether some sort of anti-anxiety medication may be good for you to help you enjoy your life without being overcome with worries (no matter how justified those worries are.)

Would you consider starting a blog? It might help focus your thoughts and address your fears and concerns. It might also be a nice memory to leave behind for your friends and family.

LegacyUser

You're right, I can't control how a person grieves. I just desperately want him not to be lonely, and to be OK. My family will have each other, he'll be kinda cast adrift, though he has a very supportive family too.

Feeling very low the last few days, this is such a burden to carry. I would prefer a swift accidental death to this.

mud

TarPatrice wrote: »

You're right, I can't control how a person grieves. I just desperately want him not to be lonely, and to be OK. My family will have each other, he'll be kinda cast adrift, though he has a very supportive family too.

Feeling very low the last few days, this is such a burden to carry. I would prefer a swift accidental death to this.

I hope the low feeling gets more manageable. Would you consider talking with your boyfriend's family and close friends and put yourself at ease that they will make him their priority when your life ends? Only if you were feeling up to it.

All the best Tar.

LegacyUser

mud wrote: »

I hope the low feeling gets more manageable. Would you consider talking with your boyfriend's family and close friends and put yourself at ease that they will make him their priority when your life ends? Only if you were feeling up to it.

All the best Tar.

Yes, I've thought about it and I will. One of his close friends would also be a friend of mine, which makes him easier to talk about it, but it will also be a sad conversation.

I've been thinking of starting back on anti-depressants I was on years ago that I found good, they might even just take the edge off a bit. Even though this is depression caused by a very definite thing, it might help. To be honest, I'd love to be feckin' tranquilised but no doc would prescribe for that. They are even reluctant to give me too many Xanax!

mud

TarPatrice wrote: »

Yes, I've thought about it and I will. One of his close friends would also be a friend of mine, which makes him easier to talk about it, but it will also be a sad conversation.

I've been thinking of starting back on anti-depressants I was on years ago that I found good, they might even just take the edge off a bit. Even though this is depression caused by a very definite thing, it might help. To be honest, I'd love to be feckin' tranquilised but no doc would prescribe for that. They are even reluctant to give me too many Xanax!

Take anything at all that helps! Not in any way advocating illegal activity but someone I know used a certain plant to great effect when combating nausea and appetite problems.

Ah you poor thing having to face so much. Do it at your own pace and please try and do something nice for yourself every day. Personally it's the little things that give me pleasure. A pretty glass and plate for dinner. Quirky mugs and silly things like that They don't make the food taste any better but they bring me a little bit of joy anyway

Tina82

dont have any advice to give you as i am lost for words ....i hope today is a better day for you x

LegacyUser

Hi TarPatrice,

Why not read some of the scientific research ongoing into near-death experiences. It might put your mind at rest just a little.

ILikeBananas

Hi OP,

I'm reading a book at the moment that might be up some help to you. It was written by a psychotherapist with years of experience of treating people with their death anxiety. The author takes a non-religious perspective which seems to align with your own belief. I'm only a quarter of the way through so can't give an informed opinion (it's very interesting so far though) but have a read through the customer reviews in the link above and see if you might be interested in it.

Merkin

TarPatrice wrote: »

Yes, I've thought about it and I will. One of his close friends would also be a friend of mine, which makes him easier to talk about it, but it will also be a sad conversation.

I've been thinking of starting back on anti-depressants I was on years ago that I found good, they might even just take the edge off a bit. Even though this is depression caused by a very definite thing, it might help. To be honest, I'd love to be feckin' tranquilised but no doc would prescribe for that. They are even reluctant to give me too many Xanax!

Good, constructive palliative or hospice care looks at making a person as happy, secure and comfortable as possible. You have a lot to contend with my dear, enough to melt anyone's head, and if you think some medication would help then you go and seek it. ANY good clinician will be supportive of this, you could ask your palliative care team to support same. It's OKAY to shut out the noise and chatter a little so get it if you feel it will help.

You are essentially grieving and going through a living bereavement so you are bound to feel anger, hurt, pain, anxiety and all of those other raw-as-fcuk, stomach churning emotions that only ease with time and due process.

Thank you for posting in this forum. I really mean that. To share something so personal and terrifying also shows an openness and generosity of spirit that is to be admired and respected. Thank you. And I wish you the very best. When you've come to terms with this, and you will, go and live life to its fullest. You sound vibrant and brave and really rather lovely and for the remainder of your days I wish you happiness and peace xx

Payton

This brings up feelings of our sister who passed away in February. Like yourself OP she was terrified, numb and so confused about what was ahead of her and how we would get on in life without her.
She gave us the gift of Happiness-by that I mean she brought so much in to all our lives every day from a text or a call but something simple.
She gave us Hope-she showed us that there was always hope..13 years struggling with cancer yet fighting a good fight and mostly came out smiling.
She gave Love-the simplest thing that you can express to another person and she showed it everyday she fought her illness.
She gave us Understanding-understanding that she was the same person in front of the illness and what it was doing to her, never letting it get her down.
She showed us-Bravery....self explanatory.

What I'm saying she left a legacy that we bring into our lives every day and we do it with purpose and your doing the same with your family.
Your fighting your own demons and I can't even imagine what state your mind is in.
People will read this post in time maybe years and thank you for being open and honest on your journey.

Sunflower 27

Just want to say I am finding your courage through this truly inspirational. That you care so much about others when you are going through this has really impacted on me and brought tears to my eyes. I hope this doesn't sound too odd, but I would have liked to have had you as a friend.

I wish you peace and much love. Xx

daisybelle2008

TarPatrice wrote: »

I wasn't that keen on her blog but I found a few other really relateable ones such as this:

https://fightinggenghis.wordpress.com/

This one is also good: http://writtenoff.net/author/elliejeffery/

I think different personalities speak to different people.

I'll tried to boil it down to my greatest sources of sadness and fear.

- my loved ones and how they'll cope
- the loneliness my boyfriend will feel. I desperately want him to move on quickly, I don't want him to retreat
- fears about the final stages of illness

OP you write very well, would you consider your own blog? I find myself relating to your experience so much even though I am not even ill!, I think a lot of people would relate. It is sad that you are really afraid of expressing yourself fully to those around you as you don't want to stress them, but I understand that.

SATSUMA

I don't know what to say but i can share my little story.

My little sister died of cancer aged 22 and when she was told it was terminal she cried for us who were left behind. That was her initial reaction. To this day i feel the guilt that she thought of us first and not herself. I can only imagine how painful that would be. I wish she had cried for herself and let go of the enormous pain of our imagined grief and our life without her.

You have every right to feel every emotion that comes your way at any moment. But be mindful that what you feel belongs to you and not to someone else. You need support and sometimes a stranger (ie therapist etc) can offer you the freedom to do and feel what is necessary.

Personally, i think end of life plans are really important. Tell your family the sort of mass you want. My sister was most concerned about what she would be wearing!!! And she looked well if i can say that. I'm glad she picked something as I am not half as fashionable as her. To those that havent experienced it, this may sound strange, but it's not. If you dont care, then thats ok too.

You joined this world, you made an impact and you are and always will be loved and remembered. Always. Take control of how you chose to live/ leave.

You can do this and you are not alone.

PS We found ARK in Dublin very helpful. You can call them.

xx

Sunny Dayz

Hi OP. First of all I am sorry to hear of your bad news.


I read your thread before my lunch break and thought about it all the way through. What stuck in my head was how you seemed to be thinking of everyone else, which is admirable. But you seem to be almost not wanting them to help you or to get too involved with you. You seem to be bottling up your feelings and emotions, you said in one post you were sitting alone crying. Now I know we all need our moments of alone time to have a good cry but you do seem to be shouldering all the worry and stress of your illness which you shouldn't be.


IMO I think you should be allowing your family, friends and boyfriend to help you out as much as they can. It might sound strange but I actually think it will help in their grieving process. The reason I say this is from a personal experience of my own - not cancer related. A friend of mine took her own life a few years ago. Myself and our friends kept saying afterwards, why didn't we do more, contact her more, notice the signs etc etc. I broke down one night a couple of years after she had passed and admitted to one of my friends that I felt so guilty for not being in contact with her as much as I should have, I felt I wasn't there for her when she needed someone and it turns out we all felt the same way. As tragic as her passing was though, she was gas woman altogether, and the night of her wake we were crying with laughter in the pub recounting all the funny stories and incidents!!
I would urge you to make the most of the time left with your friends, girlie nights in (let them do the organising). Share all your stories and memories and secrets and leave your friends with these memories after you have passed away. I think it will help them to grieve.

rosknight

sound advice there. I can concur with that.

IrishAlice

OP I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through, it is truly the most difficult thing anyone could ever experience.

You are incredibly brave even if you feel that you are not. I don't think I could be nearly as articulate if in your situation.

For your own peace of mind please do consider speaking to someone about how your are feeling, whether it be a friend or family member or a counselor. You are dealing with so much as it is without feeling you need to put on a brave face and deal with it alone.

I think you are amazing to be coping the way you are and I'm sure everyone here feels the same way.

I wish you all of the best and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.