Opinions on this?

LegacyUser

Reg poster, going anon.

Facts:
My brother is 29.
I am 24 (his younger sister)

My brother and his fiancé both live in another country. His fiancé is of a different nationality. They came to stay with us in the family home last week (with myself and both my parents) for 3/4 nights. They brought his fiancé's five year old girl with them. It was their first time to stay in the family home together. My brother stayed in the spare room, and his fiancé and her little girl stayed in his room.

The night before their flight, I suggested we go out for breakfast. My brother said 'we won't have time, we need to pack' and his fiancé said 'of course we can, I'm fully packed already'.

The morning of their flight came. We never went for breakfast. This is where it is all a bit bizarre.

They asked my mum if they could 'borrow' a larger suitcase because they were having difficulty fitting everything in their own. (1. This doesn't make sense as they said they were fully packed the night before and 2. Why would they need a bigger suitcase, they were here for 3 nights and they never went shopping?), anyway... my mum gave them a bigger suitcase and they left their old one behind.

They then went to the airport.

My mum then said to me 'I passed his room earlier and they had dvd's lined out over the bed, run upstairs and check if yours are all still there'. NOTE: Since my brother moved abroad 5 years ago, we store the family's collection of dvds in his room. I went upstairs and noticed a lot of my dvds were gone. Alarm bells started ringing in my head - this explains why they needed a bigger suitcase.

I texted my brother while he was in the air and I asked 'did you take my dvds?' and he wrote back 'crap yeah, pocahontas, aladdin, X, X and X, are they yours?' and I wrote back 'obviously they are mine. You hardly bought pocahontas yourself'. He then said 'it was a mistake. Stop your nonsense'. Nonsense? I was asking a simple question, why did you take my dvds?

Anyway, my mum was furious over this. Like me, she thought the whole thing was so sly. Asking us for a bigger suitcase to 'borrow' (you can't borrow a suitcase) and then loading it with our family's dvd collection, and then claiming it was 'a mistake'. (a mistake? did the dvds fall into your suitcase?).

Anyway, a few texts forth and back between himself, myself and my mum. I was furious with him lying so I asked him to explain how it could have been a mistake. I wanted him to admit that himself and his fiancé clearly took the Disney movie collection for his fiance's 5 year old little girl, but he wouldn't do it. He somehow managed to twist my simple question around and accuse my mum and myself of 'mistrusting his fiancé'. I asked him, 'why would your fiancé be going through our family's dvd collection anyway? If I went to my boyfriend's family home I would certainly not route through their family belongings'. This question infuriated him and a few minutes later his fiancé started texting myself and my mum to say 'how dare you both accuse me of going through your family belongings'.

These texts have been going back and forth for a week now. My brother is now hurting my mum by telling her that she may never see her son again as a result of this. It is crazy stuff. Most people would react 'listen I took your dvds, I am sorry, I will post them back to you today'. But instead, he is accusing us of 'mistrusting' him, making 'false accusations' against his fiancé etc. It is crazy stuff but unfortunately at the moment, it looks like the relationship is broken.

I would genuinely like to hear other people's thoughts on this as my mum is distraught over the whole thing. And his fiancé has sent her horrible, horrible messages.

They are expecting their first child together in two months time and they are threatening my parents telling them that they 'may never get to see their grandchildren because of this'.

Thanks for reading.

This is usually how these arguments begin - those ones where families lose contact with each other. Someone has to be the bigger person and stop it before it spirals out of control. Could you possibly ask him if he could send on money to cover for those DVDs? You might not see them again, mainly because the cost to send them back would probably be the same as getting new/secondhand ones.

magicmushroom

Stop texting as they can come across in a tone they're not intended to.

RING HIM - explain the situation, talk to him like an adult, tell him it doesn't matter about the DVD's (because it doesn't at this stage - salvaging the relationship is more important now), explain that no one was accusing the girlfriend of anything etc...

You have then been the bigger person and it's up to him to apologise and also to the fiancé to apologise to your Mother.

pookie82

This has escalated out of all control - threatening to keep your mother from her grandchild over a few dvds?

Were they all that he took? Unless he took a sizeable amount I can't see one needing a larger suitcase for a few dvds ... You're sure nothing else is missing?

If I were you I'd have probably get in touch and say "look, it's not like I watch them daily but they're my dvds and the least you should have done was ask for them before packing them to bring abroad for a long stretch of time. I'm sorry I lost the head but so did you. This is not worth a family rift for. Please bring them with you the next time you come home or replace them for me here, and ask in future if there's something of mine you want. You may find I'll give it willingly and all of this could have been avoided".

am i bovvered

This is a crazy situation, if your family is going to make this drama over a few children's DVD's then it was only a matter of time that you were going to fall out. Your 24 and your brother 29 time for the two of you to grow up ! Stop running to mommy, there is a new 5 year old in the family now.
He was wrong to take the DVD's without checking but the reaction is totally over the top.
My advice, apologise and learn to relax, worry about the big things in life.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Could you possibly ask him if he could send on money to cover for those DVDs? You might not see them again, mainly because the cost to send them back would probably be the same as getting new/secondhand ones.

Hi - thanks for your reply. It is not about the dvd's as such, it is the principle. I am posting here because what should have been 'you took my dvds', 'yes i am sorry, i will send them back' and that be the end of it, has now turned into 'you won't see your brother and our parents won't see their grandchild'. His reaction is not normal and we do not know how to deal with him. It's impossible to talk to him

magicmushroom wrote: »

tell him it doesn't matter about the DVD's (because it doesn't at this stage - salvaging the relationship is more important now), explain that no one was accusing the girlfriend of anything etc...

Thanks for your response but why would I do this? Of course we made an accusation that both himself and his girlfriend slyly took the dvds. That is exactly what they did?

pookie82 wrote: »

Were they all that he took? Unless he took a sizeable amount I can't see one needing a larger suitcase for a few dvds ... You're sure nothing else is missing?

This is precisely it. He took books belonging to my mum, DVD'S belonging to me, and CD's belonging to the family. My mum is furious but it afraid to text him as she has no proof of which ones himself and his fiancé took.

I think people aren't seeing the actual issue here. This is not over a few stolen dvd's. It is a case of not been able to trust my brother and his fiancé to stay in our house again. If you look at it from my parents perspective, they pulled out all the stops to make sure both my brother, his fiancé and her five year old child had a wonderful trip here in Dublin, only to find out that they filled their suitcase with a load of our belongings.

Teyla Emmagan

Why didn't your mother not just ask what they were doing with the DVDs when she went past? Instead she tells you to make sure they haven't taken anything of yours. Clearly none of your family trust each other to start. And such fuss over a bunch of DVDs. OK, they may be yours, and your brother helped himself to them without asking anyone, but you are hardly watching pochahontas on a regular basis. Maybe he thought they were his/no one would care. It's a really big deal over nothing at this stage though. Forget about the DVDs and make peace for the sake of your new niece or nephew.

kylith

I think you need to ask yourself if a few DVDs are worth more to you than your brother. I totally understand where you're coming from; he shouldn't have gone through your things, he should have asked if he could take them, and he shouldn't be persistently lying when he's already been caught out. He should have come clean and admitted that he thought you wouldn't miss them.

I think you should call him and have an actual chat about this, texts are too easy to misread context into. But you need to lay out your points: they obviously did go through your things because they took your things, you're not making false accusations because he did take your DVDs without asking. Just ask him for an apology and maybe token cash to replace them or a promise to bring them back next time he visits.

Don't lose your brother over this. How would you feel if he died and you hadn't spoken to him for years because he'd taken Pochohantas without asking?

OneOfThem

This is madness. Somehow in your head you've turned your brother grabbing some old children's dvds for his kid (how often do you watch pokohantas?) into some kind of machiavellian heist,some massive betrayal of trust. It's crazy.

Yeah he should have thought to ask, but trying to force him into admitting to some kind of crime (because of the principle) is nuts. And accusing him and his fiancé of plotting and conspiring to deprive you of what are virtually worthless discs of metal at this stage is bang out of order.

strandroad

In the second post OP explains that it's not just her DVDs, it's books, DVDs and CDs belonging to their parents as well. It's just the OP noticed what's missing straight away.

I understand you OP, your brother and his fiance went through the house and grabbed whatever they liked on the sly. It's not normal and I can see how your family would never like to host them again.

If they are not going to apologise though there is nothing you can do. I would let it drop and keep some contact, just never invite them again.

magicmushroom

op_here wrote: »

Thanks for your response but why would I do this? Of course we made an accusation that both himself and his girlfriend slyly took the dvds. That is exactly what they did?

I suggested you do this because someone needs to be the bigger person, unless you feel that falling out over some Disney DVD's is worth it.

op_here wrote: »

This is precisely it. He took books belonging to my mum, DVD'S belonging to me, and CD's belonging to the family. My mum is furious but it afraid to text him as she has no proof of which ones himself and his fiancé took.

I think people aren't seeing the actual issue here. This is not over a few stolen dvd's. It is a case of not been able to trust my brother and his fiancé to stay in our house again. If you look at it from my parents perspective, they pulled out all the stops to make sure both my brother, his fiancé and her five year old child had a wonderful trip here in Dublin, only to find out that they filled their suitcase with a load of our belongings.

Well that's the issue we saw as that's what you told us - you didn't tell us that your Mothers books and CD's were taken as well. We can only work with the information we're given!

So if this is the case then the issue is with your brother and his fiancé, not you, so just leave it. It's up to them to see the error of their ways and apologise.
If you don't feel this will happen and you will now lose contact/miss out on the new baby etc then the only way around it is to do what I first suggested and call him, say it was a misunderstanding etc - OK it might not have been but you might need to do this to save the relationship.

retro:electro

Christ op, you're 23 not 5! Why on earth would you care if he took those kids DVDs? What on earth do you still want them for? If it was me I would have offered them to the child in the first place. I can't believe you're actually mad at your brother for taking some children's DVDs, it's actually baffling.

PandaPoo

anna080 wrote: »

Christ op, you're 23 not 5! Why on earth would you care if he took those kids DVDs? What on earth do you still want them for? If it was me I would have offered them to the child in the first place. I can't believe you're actually mad at your brother for taking some children's DVDs, it's actually baffling.

I agree, I didn't know whether or not to laugh when I read it first.

<Mod Snip: Read our charter, insults of any nature will result in cards in this forum or a ban> Get over it. The 'principal' isn't worth falling out with family.

R.D. aka MR.D

I didn't grow up in the most normal of households but I certainly wouldn't land into my brother's place and grab whatever I wanted. When I go to visit my parents, I'll even ask before helping myself to a bit of ham in the fridge because you know, I didn't buy it and maybe my mammy would want it for something.

I can't believe how many people think it's totally fine that the OP's brother just took a bunch of stuff without asking. But maybe I'm in the minority!

Listen OP, I totally understand your frustration. Has your brother always been like this? What is your mother's opinion? Is she willing to let this go in order to make peace?

Tilly

PandaPoo wrote: »

I agree, I didn't know whether or not to laugh when I read it first.

<mod snipped>. Get over it. The 'principal' isn't worth falling out with family.

If my brother took my Lion King dvd it would be more than a text he'd be getting off me. Doesnt matter what he took (which wasnt just dvds). It's the fact he took items that did not belong to him.

LegacyUser

anna080 wrote: »

Christ op, you're 23 not 5! Why on earth would you care if he took those kids DVDs? What on earth do you still want them for? If it was me I would have offered them to the child in the first place. I can't believe you're actually mad at your brother for taking some children's DVDs, it's actually baffling.

Sorry but just because some people view animated films as being only for kids doesn't mean they are. I've a huge collection of animated films and comic books and other items I'm sure many here with view as 'for kids' and I wouldn't let my nephews or nieces or their parents just walk off with them. My brother has asked nicely to borrow films from me and it's not an issue but the key difference here is he always asked. It shouldn't matter what type of dvd's they were or even that they were DVD's. They took something that didn't belong to them and then over reacted when asked why. Yes it's escalated into a big mess now but the OP shouldn't be given out to because she wants her belongs returned or the very least to be asked before taking them.

The brother assumed like many on here it appears that he could just take the animated films cus they are 'for kids' and he has a kid now but when confronted over taking them rather then just admitting and saying sorry and offering to either pay for them or return them he's dragged it into a big mess.

Honestly don't know what you can do at this stage OP, it's hard to try and resolve something like this over the phone. Most likely your parents will apologise on all your behalves so as not be cut out of his life. Sucks but you might just have to suck it up and put up with it.

LegacyUser

I'm with the OP on this what they did was very sneaky. I mean why couldn't they ask or say is it ok if we borrow these dvds.
I borrow books, dvds etc from family but I'd always ask in advance can I borrow it, I'd never just go over to my sisters/parents or inlaws house and help myself. Thats really bad form. It might seem a trivial issue falling out over taking dvds that weren't his but if he can't be honest and up front about borrowing stuff then what else is he likely to take the next time he visits.

PandaPoo

Tilly wrote: »

If my brother took my Lion King dvd it would be more than a text he'd be getting off me. Doesnt matter what he took (which wasnt just dvds). It's the fact he took items that did not belong to him.

I have a very different relationship with my siblings, we're definitely a lot more lax and forgiving. It would take a lot for us to fall out. We definitely wouldn't fall out over the lion king or pocahontas

allym

Tilly wrote: »

If my brother took my Lion King dvd it would be more than a text he'd be getting off me. Doesnt matter what he took (which wasnt just dvds). It's the fact he took items that did not belong to him.

This. It's really not about what he took. The fact that he thinks that's ok and has turned it into a huge deal instead of saying "yeah I took them, I didn't think it'd be a big deal. Sorry, I'll give them back" is just bizzare.

Has there been issues before with your brother? Seems an extreme reaction to threaten to never see you again if everything was fine up to this point.

DeltaWhite

I'm with you OP.

I'm sure the people who disagree here would be only fuming if they had their belongings stolen from them! Doesn't matter what the belongings are, or who took them, I think you are well within your right to be angry.

However, all this texting has to stop. You need to phone him and just calmly talk to him. He's being very cruel with his threats. My brothers pull crap like this with me all the time, and I don't stand for it. Couldn't give a monkeys if they are family, they do not take things from me without asking. Because that is known as stealing!

B0jangles

I'd be furious as well OP, I mean this wasn't casually picking up one of two things he might have thought no-one wanted, this is simply helping himself to other peoples belongings and getting crazy defensive when called out on such crappy behaviour. If this had happened in a friend's house, we'd call it what it is; theft, but somehow because it's family it's somehow acceptable behaviour according to some people.

He's behaving like an entitled ass.

magicmushroom

I think if the OP hadn't named the DVD's then some reactions might be different.

To be fair to her, it doesn't matter what film was on the DVD, the fact is that her brothers fiancé went through her belongings, also her Mothers belongings, then together with the brother they took what they wanted without asking.

This was after the parents had opened their home to the fiancé and her child (who is not the Brothers) and in return had their personal belongings taken and now the fiancé is sending the Mother horrible text messages.

It was done very sneakily, it was rude and the OP is right to be annoyed. I most definitely would be.

Augme

Some people are happy to be treated like dirt just to avoid falling out or just to keep a "family" together. I wouldn't be though. At the end of the day your brother has behaved appallingly and doesn't even seem to realise this. Do you honestly want a person like this to be an important part of your life? If a friend behaved like this you'd have no problem cutting them lose and I'd be the same with a family member. Blood ties shouldn't give someone the right to act like a piece of **** whenever they feel like it.

Decide what you want to do but don't feel bad for taking this issue ver seriously. I think people going on about the DVDs seem to have missed the point. The issue isn't about the DVDs, it's about the brother's behaviour.

meeeeh

I can understand why you would be annoyed but it is a huge overreaction. And to top it up you accused his fiancee stealing from you? Why did you have to bring her into it? And why did your mother ask you straight away to check the room her and the child were staying in? I seriously doubt we are getting the whole story here.

Emme

If the OP's brother wanted the DVDs he could have asked for them. Instead his fiancee who was staying in the room where the DVDs were stored must have asked for them and they took them on the quiet. The way the DVDs were taken is underhand and I can understand how the OP and her mother are upset. Perhaps her brother didn't think and acted on the spur of the moment. If I were the OP I would call her brother and ask him to return anything he took on his next visit.

power pants

How come the mother did not question her son when she saw all the dvds on the bed and after providing a bigger suitcase earlier when she thought that was odd?

Also why mention to the daughter only after they had left at the airport about her concern for the dvds and not prior?

Not condoning the brother's actions as the whole story sounds a little odd.

Has the brother stolen before?
what kind of relationship does the brother have with yourself and your mother?

Flippyfloppy

I'm not going to quote your whole op but I think what he did was quite innocent. His first response was 'crap yeah were there yours?' And then 'it was a mistake, stop your nonsense' (have you engaged in any so-called nonsense in the past?)

My take on it is that you and your mother then blew it all out of proportion, and in some ways I can understand your brother and fiances anger at this mistreatment over some DVDs.

I would say your brother saw them as 'family DVDs' and was just excited to take them , a piece of home and show them to his new step daughter. He may have had every intention to give them back at your next visit.

freshpopcorn

It's hard to offer you advice to be honest op because you don't give the full story in your first post and it all seems a bit messy including you, your mother and your brother/fiancée.
Even all the texting it just seems a disaster amongst ye. The only way a problem like this can be solved is by talking.

It seems odd that the fiance was saying bad things to your mother. Did you see the message thread? I would wonder whether your mum would have initiated it.

Nabber

The large suitcase he borrowed is worth more than the DVDs.
ell him to return the DVDs with the suitcase.
This is all over kids DVDs.
In this case I don't think it's a principle of him stealing. But I genuinely believe op you are distraught at not having these dvds.

Your brother shouldn't have taken them and you shouldn't care if he did....

retro:electro

What makes the DVDs yours anyway? Did you buy them yourself? I'd have the same collections but they'd belong to all my siblings too and not just me. Can't say I would care one bit if one of them took them for their children, makes perfect sense. Were the books and CDs also for children?

He doesn't sound like a thief op, the way he left them all scattered across the bed shows that he wasnt exactly sneaky about it. It's such a silly thing to fall about and a shame that you are so angry over something so trivial. I wouldn't count on them staying at your mothers house ever again after the accusations that were thrown at them, that's for sure.