Being stronger

fredtbvfh

I have a child with a guy I barely knew when I got pregnant. He sees her once a week and sometimes twice a week, if he shows up. I try and stay pleasant but sometimes it's so hard because he is always picking fights. I ignore him as much as I can - if he asks about daughter, I'll let him know - but even then, he still gets to me.

I want to move on. I will let him have a relationship with my child but I want the petty comments and insults to stop. I know I can only change me but it's so hard to ignore him sometimes.

I use another number, buy it's always playing on my mind whether he has text or not. It sounds like I'm excited to hear from him but I'm not. It's more anxiety.

What can I do to help myself ignore it better?

stickybookmark

if you don't mind me asking what are the insults and comments about? sounds like there's more going on here than you say

fredtbvfh

stickybookmark wrote: »

if you don't mind me asking what are the insults and comments about? sounds like there's more going on here than you say

Just about who I am as a person, how he thinks I'm freeloading off the council (yet work a four day week). He's always remarking on the fact I get child benefit and social welfare, but that's so I can pay creche fees, which he doesn't contribute to. But I'm not on here to moan about him, i just want to learn how to not be bothered by his nuisance texts.

ABajaninCork

Get a cheap phone and SIM and tell him to call you on that. If he starts up on the texts, you can either ignore him or tell him you'll be speaking to the Gards.

If he says anything to you, you can either ignore him or ask him 'Why do you think that?' Or 'It's not your money, is it - So why do you care?' Or 'If you were any kind of man and not a snivelling boy, you'd be paying this for your child, so that the council don't' Even a good old ''Fcuk off and mind your own business' will do the trick.

He's being a jerk, and you're allowing him to push your buttons. Take back the power. He's probably annoyed you won't have anything to do with him outside of the child, poor love.

Does he pay support, BTW?

LadyFenghuang

fredtbvfh wrote: »

I have a child with a guy I barely knew when I got pregnant. He sees her once a week and sometimes twice a week, if he shows up. I try and stay pleasant but sometimes it's so hard because he is always picking fights. I ignore him as much as I can - if he asks about daughter, I'll let him know - but even then, he still gets to me.

I want to move on. I will let him have a relationship with my child but I want the petty comments and insults to stop. I know I can only change me but it's so hard to ignore him sometimes.

I use another number, buy it's always playing on my mind whether he has text or not. It sounds like I'm excited to hear from him but I'm not. It's more anxiety.

What can I do to help myself ignore it better?

You are in an abuse cycle. He is controlling you by fear. It's hard for people to understand from the outside. It's like keeping vigilant for the predator. It keeps you on edge.

People have no excuse to abuse you. You work you make your choices. It's not his choice.

If there is more ..as in he is calling names or harassing you etc get away from him.

Honestly get away from him.

Try and take care of yourself. Remind him the relationship must function for the child's sake that is all.

I feel sorry for your situation.

stickybookmark

Abaja she already said she uses an alternative phone.

i know it's almost impossible when a child is concerned but could you just ignore his texts. he's obviously bitter that he has to pay maintenance for the child.
Don't let him know your business....don't tell him what you receive from social welfare. do you have a landline by any chance? it would be great if ye didn't have to communicate by mobile phone. another option is you get rid of that alternative number/phone and just have a system where you ring his phone from a blocked number and he can't ring you back. that would also solve your problem.

fredtbvfh

I have an alternate number but that doesn't stop him. I try to keep my life private but when he asks about child, ie creche, some things come out, ie I'm back to work.

He pays when he wants to.

Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed sometimes, I feel so hopeless. I feel he will be doing this forever.

I don't reply to anything other than if he asks about daughter.

ABajaninCork

fredtbvfh wrote: »

I have an alternate number but that doesn't stop him. I try to keep my life private but when he asks about child, ie creche, some things come out, ie I'm back to work.

He pays when he wants to.

Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed sometimes, I feel so hopeless. I feel he will be doing this forever.

I don't reply to anything other than if he asks about daughter.

.

Then take him to court. Formalise the arrangements. When the court fix the support, they should also fix a contact arrangement. The money he pays is not yours, and he needs to know that. You're doing this for your child. This idiot needs to realise what it costs to bring up a child. That costs money on a regular basis. Not when he feels like it. The child eats three meals, needs clothes and shoes, and money for after-school activities when she starts.

Start standing up for yourself, and like I said take back the power. You can do this!

lazybones32

Have you asked/told him to stop speaking to you in that way? No-one expects you to change his behaviour but you have to take the first step and let him know your mind on this subject. Maybe he is trying to rise you or maybe he doesn't realise that his comments cut you. Things I say to women affect them in ways I never intended and I'm surprised that they sometimes take it to heart.
If he comes into your house and speaks to you insultingly, tell him forcefully to not speak to you like that again. If he won't show you respect in your own house, you are not obliged to let him enter the house.

How to stop being upset/affected by texts/comments: not impossible but takes a long time.

LadyFenghuang

But when you are afraid of someone or the consequences it's hard. She probably thinks he will make it worse or that there is nothing she can do. And it's a lot of stress to go though and she is vulnerable she just only had a baby.

Maybe get some legal advice OP.

You shouldn't have to be on guard for the next insult etc. It's not good for the baby either.

LadyFenghuang

You gotta find your grit. It's tough though.

I think though asking for maintenance through the courts might help you.

fredtbvfh

Thanks for all the posts. I have tried to stick up for myself before but it only backfires in what I say he uses against me. I have repeated many times that he is not to speak to me like that but he doesn't listen. I gave up because it's better over all for my energy, mood, to ignore him. There are just times though that I want to scream and am just at a loss at how he thinks what he's doing is ok.

I will look into bringing him to court. Would need a lawyer for maintenance?

Neyite

It's not about father's rights, its about the right of the child to see their father and have a relationship with him. But if that relationship is marred with damaging behaviour, if he is a bully and manipulative then you need to ask yourself what is in the best interests of the child? It sounds very much to me like the reason he comes around is not for a relationship with his child, but as a way to get to you and hurt you. And that is not good for her either.

If he was a good dad, he would recognise that maintenance is not for you, its for his child. If he was a good dad, he would support her willingly. If he was a good dad, he would be respectful and civil to his child's mother in front of her. If he was a good dad, he would recognise that you are a good mum and do your best for his child. He's NOT a good dad.

It's time to get it all formalised by the courts, note down all the times that he messed around on contact, or made comments. note down all the times maintenance was missed, or he ignored your instructions for the child. Then see what a solicitor says - you might be able to get a starting point from Citizens Advice.

She is getting older and you do not want her to think that it's normal for a woman to be slagged off by the father of her child.

Chemical Byrne

Tell him he can take on 50% of the child allowance etc when he cares for the yer child, feeds her, washes her, takes her to school, look after her when she's sick etc, etc, 50% of the time.

Bloody twat this fella is.

LadyFenghuang

He is an abuser and wearing you down. Don't let him win. Don't let him see your getting down. Be calm and and make practical efforts to protect yourself. If you get hysterical they always say oh look there is the psycho bitch. So try and be a lady. You can't win by stooping to his level. He has no right to treat you like this.

Get it formalized through the courts and try and ride this out. Avoid him if you can.

Rubberchikken

set boundaries.
you're a decent person who wants their child's dad in their life. it doesn't mean he's in your life and he has to be made to see this clearly.

so set the boundaries. don't engage in any pettiness and don't accept or allow any comments from him to be made.
if he finds it difficult to accept this from you, then maybe someone else speaking to him might be necessary.

good luck

stickybookmark

fredtbvfh wrote: »

I will look into bringing him to court. Would need a lawyer for maintenance?

Not at all. Just apply to the family court for a maintenance hearing. Doesn't cost anything and neither of you needs a solicitor. He might file an application for guardianship and access, this is standard and nothing to be concerned about.
I really do recommend getting rid of the phone & changing your number & telling him he can no longer contact you by phone. You ring him from a blocked number if you need to speak to him otherwise he can email you. My OH and his ex communicate this way & it's been working fine for years. It had to be put in place this way coz of a toxic text situation as well.
Don't worry these situations are always changing & evolving. I have gone through phases where things seemed unbearable only for a step change to be made (like the phone thing, also the access order helped massively) and slowly over time things get better. I agree with ABaja's post- formalise arrangments then there should be far less need for contact. Are you tied to living near him? Doesn't sound like he's a very positive influence at all

fredtbvfh

I spoke to a solicitor yesterday and they briefly mentioned getting a safety order if i am feeling fear. What would this involve? It's a pretty serious thing..

stickybookmark

fredtbvfh wrote: »

I spoke to a solicitor yesterday and they briefly mentioned getting a safety order if i am feeling fear. What would this involve? It's a pretty serious thing..

Go to the guards and lodge a complaint about his threatening behaviour. You know the texts can be used as evidence as well? You've probably deleted the worst ones though? It's hard to keep nasty texts on your phone. In future though keep them. A guy was sending me threats via text when I was in college & my parents went to the guards to ask 4 advice and they told my parents it was a pity I had deleted the texts as they would have liked to see them, write them down & then I could have deleted them.

fredtbvfh

stickybookmark wrote: »

Go to the guards and lodge a complaint about his threatening behaviour. You know the texts can be used as evidence as well? You've probably deleted the worst ones though? It's hard to keep nasty texts on your phone. In future though keep them. A guy was sending me threats via text when I was in college & my parents went to the guards to ask 4 advice and they told my parents it was a pity I had deleted the texts as they would have liked to see them, write them down & then I could have deleted them.

If I got a safety order, would that mean access would be gone or would the judge put it just between myself and her father?

stickybookmark

fredtbvfh wrote: »

If I got a safety order, would that mean access would be gone or would the judge put it just between myself and her father?

I don't know a whole lot about them to be honest. Thankfully never had to deal with one.
I think it means access would be gone or else it would have to be supervised access (e.g in a grandparent's home)

Chara1001

Hi OP,

My situation wasn't a million miles away from yours. We went to court to formalize the arrangements, and for a little while it looked like I might need a safety order. When I spoke to the solicitor about it, he told me that the safety order is only between myself and my ex, it's not related to the child in any way and from that pov, i'm not sure how it affects his access.
Do go to court- get everything formalized and although you don't need a solicitor or barrister, it's better to be represented. I was and I felt much better for having it.

I was worried about how court might affect the relationship between myself and my ex re our child, but it was in a pretty bad way like yours anyway so there wasn't much to lose. That was nearly a year ago now and things have improved between us to the extent they're friendly enough now.

He started out like your ex from the sounds of it. Like you i stopped replying to anything that wasn't related to the child. I became quite cold and matter of fact towards him and he lost the ability go get any kind of raise out of me- so when he made any criticism towards me, i just shrugged my shoulders or laughed and never ever got caught up in any debates with him, or asked him why he felt that way. Don't leave the door open to debate would be my main advice. No arguments, no non related child discussion, no conversation of any kind. I just faked it until i made it if you know what i mean. I think after you apply to court, you should give that tactic a go- i think when I got upset or angry at my ex it was having the effect he wanted.
good luck op:)

fredtbvfh

Hi chara1001,

Thanks for your reply. Sometimes it's hard to realise I'm not the only person in this situation and it's good to hear from other people who have. I think my ignoring him does get to him and it makes things worse sometimes. this is when he lashes out at how I am as a mother and it's so difficult sometimes not to stand up for myself, to just ignore him. But I'm trying the best I can.


I think I will arrange a meeting with a solicitor to see what my options are. Thanks for the replies again.

MrWalsh

A safety order wont affect access, it just means that if he breaks the terms of the safety order he is in trouble. So its on him to behave himself.

A friend of mine had a similar situation with her ex husband. It was more complicated even as he owned half the family home, so he would just barge in without notice and upset everyone.

The text messages and nasty comments got so hard for her to take that she changed phone and did not give him the new number. He could contact her on the house phone or in person. They formalised access through the courts and she changed the locks and refused to see him at all and had someone unrelated there to open the front door when he collected and dropped back the children. He wouldnt say nasty things to another person who would have just called the Guards on him so he behaved.

If there was a way you could remove all contact between him and you from the situation that would be better all round.

stickybookmark

MrWalsh wrote: »

The text messages and nasty comments got so hard for her to take that she changed phone and did not give him the new number. He could contact her on the house phone or in person.

If there was a way you could remove all contact between him and you from the situation that would be better all round.

Hear hear to this I agree 100% Putting a step like this in place can be life-altering and can bring life back to being bearable again. I speak from experience!

daisybelle2008

fredtbvfh wrote: »

Thanks for all the posts. I have tried to stick up for myself before but it only backfires in what I say he uses against me. I have repeated many times that he is not to speak to me like that but he doesn't listen. I gave up because it's better over all for my energy, mood, to ignore him. There are just times though that I want to scream and am just at a loss at how he thinks what he's doing is ok.

I will look into bringing him to court. Would need a lawyer for maintenance?

Check out citizens advise, and if you qualify for legal aid. This really sounds like Mediation might help. Not sure how to find that or if it costs but others may do.

fredtbvfh

Is there someone in the courts I could speak about a safety order before I make the application? I'm afraid of him, of what the texts say, etc but I'm afraid of how big this step is, having a safety order put in place.

MrWalsh

fredtbvfh wrote: »

Is there someone in the courts I could speak about a safety order before I make the application? I'm afraid of him, of what the texts say, etc but I'm afraid of how big this step is, having a safety order put in place.

Go into your local Garda station and speak to them about it. To be honest you should be making a report to them anyway that you are in fear of the things he is saying to you via text.

stickybookmark

I was just about to say the same, pop into any garda station. I remember the last time I was in a garda station gettting a passport form stamped there was a woman in talking to the other guard about her ex partner etc.....

MrWalsh

stickybookmark wrote: »

I remember the last time I was in a garda station gettting a passport form stamped there was a woman in talking to the other guard about her ex partner etc.....

But you can of course request to speak to a Guard in private!

Neyite

Some years ago, I supported a friend when they went to talk to a garda about abusive texts. The Garda they spoke to was very nice, understanding and suggested different ways it could be handled - eg. they could have an informal word, he said that a person sometimes can get so wrapped up in their own drama they don't realise how close to lawbreaking they are and a chat with a uniformed Garda is usually enough to stop them in their tracks and make them realise that what they are doing would be taken seriously.

Then he outlined the different courses of action if the person continued. In this case, the chat did the trick.

JuliusCaesar

OneFamily (formerly known as Cherish), the organisation for one-parent families, can give you a lot of support and advice. They have heard it all, and really know how to manage these situations. I think they not only have support groups, but also social events and outings, as well as the advice and support (and lobbying the government and all the other things they do).

http://www.onefamily.ie/how-we-can-help-you/how-we-support-families/