Single working mum struggling!!

CatFromHue

SF12 wrote: »

I don't mean that a company turns itself inside out to suit each individual. I mean it could offer a couple of options, depending on your business, such as allowing employees to work a 30-35 hour week spread over 5 days, or allowing flexitime as starting at 7 and finishing at 3:30/starting at 10, finishing at 6:30, that kind of thing.

Flexitime in general is great, any company I've worked in everyone has benefited from it no matter what their situation was.

Tbh at this stage I think companies that could have flexi time but don't as a bit behind.

aaakev

martinsvi wrote: »

I grew up without ever seeing my parents, mom was out the door at 7AM, working multiple jobs, back at late-o-clock.. dad was at sea abroad. Seeing how they struggle just to provide for me and my sister, I think that made me a better person. From very early days I realized the value of hard work and effort, value of education and opportunities. I'm not sure if part time sit at home mum can be a role-model for anything these days, we need to show kids that food on the table is earned not just received "due to the circumstances", it appears that less and less people understand this

i work a good job, less than 40 hrs per week and my wife does not work. she is at home with our 2 kids who are both in primary school. we both agreed its better for one of us to raise our kids than pay someone else to because we don't have family we could rely on as they all have their own work commitments, in fact my wife collects her niece from school and minds her 4 days per week for her brother and SIL who both work full time.

we feel we are very lucky that my job pays enough for us to have a comfortable life and take nice holidays and at the same time the kids are looked after by a parent and not a child minder.

my kids see me going to work every day and their mother doing everything for them, getting them ready for school, bringing them to school, lunch after school, homework, cleaning, dinner ect. is she no more of a role model than me?

SF12

CatFromHue wrote: »

Flexitime in general is great, any company I've worked in everyone has benefited from it no matter what their situation was.

Tbh at this stage I think companies that could have flexi time but don't as a bit behind.

100% agree.

alibab

I am in the same position as you op except for I have 2 kids and single mum . They also both have additional needs . I had the same choice you had and could have got by on social welfare etc with no luxuries.

I decided after doing this for a few years that I was not providing the right example to my kids and that going back to work was the best option and showing them that as a single mother I was independent and able to set a good example . Like you I then got promoted to a important role that needed commitment.

What I did was found a fantastic child minder. The kids love being with her and I walk in the door to work and don't think of the kids etc or worry about them till its time for home. My mind is very much on my job.

I have to say I feel no guilt or have no regrets . I know with 100 percent certainty I am showing them work ethic and that in order to have nice things in life or as I tell them now they are old enough to understand that if they want the latest man united shirt etc and pocket money then mammy needs to work .

I saved bought my own house and we have a comfortable lifestyle now in comparison to when I was on social welfare . We can afford holidays and nice treats now and again . I am proud of my achievements in my personal and professional life and I 100 percent do not feel guilty about working when I am not in work I am with them all the time .

You can do both and as your child gets older it will become easier etc but you need to put them thoughts aside and remember the reasons you are working. In later life your son will understand.

LegacyUser

At the moment your son is just 6 and you are missing out on doing some things with him. If you go back to part time work you will be there more for him but long term this will not be good for either of you.
In a few years time you may not be able to find full time work and your skills could be out of date by then.

You can struggle money wise or you can be in a position to save for both your long term futures. When your working full time your paying a stamp towards your state pension and you can also pay into you own pension plan.
Your happy in your job and your son sees you working. As he gets older you will want to teach him that if you want something you have to work for it.

I would advise you to cook larger amounts of certain things ie stews, chilli's, cottage pies and freeze them into individual dinners so you have a nice meal ready when you come in from work. Use Tesco online & have your shopping delivered. Ask friends with children who work what they do to save time and make life easier.
Long term your doing the right thing for both you and your son.

3DataModem

mushypeas12 wrote: »

I am most likely going to be setting up my own business within the next five years all going well! The industry sector I'm in is roughly split 50:50 between male and female workers! I can gaurantee you I will not be employing any female workers! And it's not being sexist, it's just me making a good business decision to maximise my profits.

Bad mistake.

Hire married women. They never ask for raises.

/sarcarm

3DataModem

Pods1987 wrote: »

Looking for some advice please. I'm a single mum to my gorgeous son who is 6. I have worked part time since he was 2 but nearly a year ago now I made the decision to better my career and got promoted to a full time higher position at work. I really enjoy the job and the new challenge but I have this major doubt in the back of my mind that I'm not doing the right thing.
I've always been a hands on mum and love spending quality time with my son. I thought as time went on this feeling would shift but it's still there!! Am I doing the right thing? I'll never get these years back?
Financially I am doing a lot better and it's great being able to afford holidays and little luxuries here and there but I'm still not satisfied!! I miss doing school runs, I miss doing his homework with him, I miss just sitting there with him and not thinking of the million things I have to do to get organised for the following day. I'm constantly rushing from here to there and I feel like I'm drowning!!!
I have great support from my family with collecting him after school and his father is also involved in his life in a big way.

I know what a blessing a child is, he is everything to me and I feel like this time I will never get with him again!!
My home doesn't feel like a home anymore, it's just somewhere we sleep and eat.

I've spoken to friends and family about how I feel and they all say the same thing, that 'it's hard but your doing this for him'.

I would prob just get by on a part time job with benefits etc but I don't want to rely on the state either.

Please help, any advice appreciated .

Only advice I can give you is my own. I just took a 40% income it just to spend more time with my kids. To me it was worth it but a tough decision. There is no right or wrong answer. You have a hard job you need to be parent and breadwinner - and both are important. It's really down to you and your child.

Pawwed Rig

mushypeas12 wrote: »

I am most likely going to be setting up my own business within the next five years all going well! The industry sector I'm in is roughly split 50:50 between male and female workers! I can gaurantee you I will not be employing any female workers! And it's not being sexist, it's just me making a good business decision to maximise my profits.

You do know it is illegal to discriminate against someone based on gender right? As you plan on being an employer I would brush up on my employment law knowledge if I was you.

Lux23

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

You do know it is illegal to discriminate against someone based on gender right? As you plan on being an employer I would brush up on my employment law knowledge if I was you.

Oh but no it's a clever business decision.

Antarctica

I work long hours (at least 50 a week) due to the nature of the role, you might think I am being funny but I find it hard to find the time to look after my dog, let alone a kid.

Good luck.

Antarctica

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

You do know it is illegal to discriminate against someone based on gender right? As you plan on being an employer I would brush up on my employment law knowledge if I was you.

He is hardly going to be upfront with his reasoning!!

Antarctica

SF12 wrote: »

I mean it could offer a couple of options, depending on your business, such as allowing employees to work a 30-35 hour week spread over 5 days, or allowing flexitime as starting at 7 and finishing at 3:30/starting at 10, finishing at 6:30, that kind of thing. If the couple of options that are available don't suit people, then yes, they need to go find somewhere else with different options that might suit them better. But most people will actually meet their employer halfway on the arrangements, if they are in any way reasonable employees.
.

I would agree with you that flexible hours should be an option more often in companies.

Whether that is to allow people to do the school run, collect from creche, or for people without kids just have more flexibility with time to go to the gym exercise or study or just miss the worst of the rush hour traffic!

Glinda

OP, some of the discussion here is on the philosophical side and probably just rehashes old arguments without being much practical help.

For what it's worth, I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Your son will be very proud in the future that you did the hard thing and he will see your determination to make the most of your abilities in providing for your little family. I know there is always a shadow of doubt, but this would be there whether you were working or not, it's just part of being a parent!

You see, in the end of the day it's not the easy things we do that are are achievements, it is the really tough things. In your case, raising a son on your own and having a decent career at the same time are achievements to be really proud of, and as someone else said you are setting him a brilliant example, standing on your own two feet and providing for yourself.

Now to the practical side of things. You need to stop worrying about this. Make your decision, then back yourself 100%. By which I mean stop re-running the decision over and over in your mind and divert your energy and determination into managing your arrangements so that you maximise the benefit to you and your son. This means practical things like having a good think about how to get the best out of the time you have together, identifying anything that is eating up large chunks of that time and figuring out what you'd really rather be doing with that time. Then put your plan into action for a week and see how it goes.

I find that lots of time can just drift by in a kind of exhausted fog if I don't have things figured out before the week starts, whereas a couple of evening walks with the kids on the beach near where I live makes everyone feel more alive. A short list of free stuff to do whenever the mood takes you is a good idea, otherwise you might sit around bemoaning that you can't go out because it's too expensive.

Maybe you're already doing all these things, but I think my main point is to stop second guessing yourself and set about managing your time with your son - it's more important than your time in work and you'll feel much less powerless about being away the rest of the time.

Oh, and well done on your achievements so far, you're doing great

Lux23

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

OP, welcome to the world of most working Fathers. Forgive me for not having any sympathy as I'm too busy providing for my kids future.

What about your kid's present?

LegacyUser

http://www.independent.ie/life/family/mothers-babies/how-eight-irish-mums-recently-returned-to-work-are-pulling-it-off-31323475.html

For the OP.
I don't think we ever lose the guilt - I've been back at work several months now and some days it just feels like I am the worst mother ever. Sometimes it helps to at least know that you're not the only one feeling that way. Plan your time as best you can, see if your employer might give you a bit of flexibility and rest assured you are giving your son great example for the future - actions speak louder than words.

ronjo

Lux23 wrote: »

What about your kid's present?

I am sure he is providing for that too and it just seems you are trying ot pick a fight.

chanelfreak

I agree with the posters who have said it is a very hard slog to manage being a parent and being a dedicated employee but I've experienced one thing which really grinds my gears - the way that certain (and I am NOT tarring all working parents with the same brush here, just giving my opinion on what I have personally experienced) people with kids just expect their colleagues to pick up the slack when they want to leave early/work from home/etc. Its like those of us with no kids don't count at all and that drives me absolutely mad!!

If companies offer flexi-time, it needs to be offered to everyone and not just the working parents - my life is just as busy/important even though I dont have kids!

Rant over and back to the OP question - I think you are doing a really good thing. You are showing your son that you have a strong work ethic and that you can't have what you want unless you work hard for it. As someone else said, you have to think of the future and if you were to take the time now to be with him and go part-time or whatever, you might find that when he gets to secondary school age you are stuck at home with no job, or one that doesnt motivate you/excite you. Just because you are a mum doesnt mean that you dont get to consider your own needs too

Wanderer2010

chanelfreak wrote: »

I agree with the posters who have said it is a very hard slog to manage being a parent and being a dedicated employee but I've experienced one thing which really grinds my gears - the way that certain (and I am NOT tarring all working parents with the same brush here, just giving my opinion on what I have personally experienced) people with kids just expect their colleagues to pick up the slack when they want to leave early/work from home/etc. Its like those of us with no kids don't count at all and that drives me absolutely mad!!

This. I absolutely detest people who have the attitude that a person with no children has, be means of not having any children, a perfect and flexible life and can drop everything at any time to take an extra shift for a parent, swap the times to suit their various child-related activities and generally be available 24/7 when one of their darlings has another drama. Has it ever once occured to working parents that their workmates have other stresses in their lives like rent/mortgage, bills, hostile work environments, care of parents, a disability, depression etc etc that is just as important to them as your precious kids are to you.

If you have kids, look after them yourself, make sure you sort out your own childminder, make sure to get your work done without bringing your personal life and troubles into the office because you made the baby so frankly deal with it and dont be playing the martyr to get sympathy from other people. The amount of women in the workplace that I know who spend much of their shift moaning about their kids rather than doing the job they are paid for is infuriating, and most managers just let it slide. Women are always shouting about equal pay but so many of them dont want to do equal work...

Wanderer2010

YurOK2 wrote: »

it'll be demanded of me to cancel my time off or change it to another day.
In the run up to Christmas we are extremely busy, particularly so on Fridays with clients coming in to get stuff sorted before Christmas and while they're taking half days for nativity plays etc, I get no lunch and have to stay late because I've to do their work as well and there's no thanks from them because apparently I'll "do the same when I have kids":rolleyes:

I do sympathize with your situation up to this point. You need to be more assertive and quite frankly refuse to work lunches, refuse to stay late and refuse to do overtime until the message has gotten through to your boss that you have as much a right to your holidays and lunches as every other employee there, and if they ever did question you, just tell them that "I have commitments outside of work, is that an issue?". Say nothing about children or the other women taking the p!ss on times, just assert your rights as both a human being and employee and just keep it as "commitments".

Please dont work lunches or overtime, i have learned the hard way that you are nothing short of a mug if you do this and you will be waiting forever for a thanks from your employer. They see you as a pushover if you continue this behavior and ultimately this makes you feel even worse. Just do your wok in your allocated time and if things slip because you arent picking up the slack, tell your boss that you are not doing the job of 2 people for one wage, that should put them straight. Good luck!

Antarctica

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Just do your wok in your allocated time and if things slip because you arent picking up the slack, tell your boss that you are not doing the job of 2 people for one wage, that should put them straight. Good luck!

Agree with the rest of your post but with the above - can`t the manager just manage you out and get somebody in who will do the work of 2 people for one wage?

Wanderer2010

Antarctica wrote: »

Agree with the rest of your post but with the above - can`t the manager just manage you out and get somebody in who will do the work of 2 people for one wage?

I dont understand what you mean by "manage you out"?

YurOK2

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I do sympathize with your situation up to this point. You need to be more assertive and quite frankly refuse to work lunches, refuse to stay late and refuse to do overtime until the message has gotten through to your boss that you have as much a right to your holidays and lunches as every other employee there, and if they ever did question you, just tell them that "I have commitments outside of work, is that an issue?". Say nothing about children or the other women taking the p!ss on times, just assert your rights as both a human being and employee and just keep it as "commitments".

Please dont work lunches or overtime, i have learned the hard way that you are nothing short of a mug if you do this and you will be waiting forever for a thanks from your employer. They see you as a pushover if you continue this behavior and ultimately this makes you feel even worse. Just do your wok in your allocated time and if things slip because you arent picking up the slack, tell your boss that you are not doing the job of 2 people for one wage, that should put them straight. Good luck!

Ha! I'd be told not to let the door hit me on the way out.
I fully agree with what you say but I don't have the luxury of making my working life extra difficult or losing my job and being unemployed (jobs are very very scarce in my area).

Antarctica

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I dont understand what you mean by "manage you out"?

It usually refers to finding a way of getting rid of somebody. If your boss doesn`t like you or how you work and your not vital to the company then it's something they could do, not condoning it.

IvoryTower

If someone at work had to leave because their child was sick I would gladly cover them, why wouldn't you!?

mushypeas12

IvoryTower wrote: »

If someone at work had to leave because their child was sick I would gladly cover them, why wouldn't you!?

If it was a once off then yes but some mothers are abusing peoples goodwill and taking advantage.

Mrs OBumble

IvoryTower wrote: »

If someone at work had to leave because their child was sick I would gladly cover them, why wouldn't you!?

It gets tired, though, when one or other of their kids is sick every week. Especially when you're not allowed to go early to care for your sick parent or cat or whatever. Or to coach the kids sports team or sing in a concert or direct a play or whatever.

IvoryTower

okay fair enough, i wouldnt expect a parent to leave unless it was to do with sickness, nothing else

Tiddlypeeps

mushypeas12 wrote: »

4. The industry I'm in is quite analytical and mathematical. IMO men are better in these areas. This is proven with males outperforming females in maths and physics because you can't learn off material for these subjects. You either have a natural ability for it or you don't.

Proven by who? Got anything to back it up?

In the secondary school I went to the ratio of men to women in the honours maths class was 1:10. Only people who could maintain a C or higher were allowed to stay in that class too so it says a lot about ability. Purely anecdotal tho, but it is from a sample size of about 1,000 people so it's statistically significant. I would quite like to see the proof you have that counters this tho.

mushypeas12

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Proven by who? Got anything to back it up?

In the secondary school I went to the ratio of men to women in the honours maths class was 1:10. Only people who could maintain a C or higher were allowed to stay in that class too so it says a lot about ability. Purely anecdotal tho, but it is from a sample size of about 1,000 people so it's statistically significant. I would quite like to see the proof you have that counters this tho.

Just google it. An article from the irish examiner should come up which fairly nails my arguement. More men also sit HL Maths so your school is quite unusual in that respect.

When it comes to problem solving in the workplace give me men any day, women if anything seem to compound the problem from my experience.

Mrs OBumble

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Proven by who? Got anything to back it up?

Mushypeas has already disproven his statement, by saying in an earlier post that in the industry workers are roughly 50/50 split male/female.

When s/he starts hiring, either all candidates will be fairly assessed based on ability to do the job, or half of them will be disqualified before any assessment starts. If this happens, then it won't be long before mushypeas is involved in some cases with the rights commissioner, because it will be patently obvious what's happening if no female applicants are hired. So hopefully s/he will be smart enough to assess everyone, and most likely will get some surprises.