Mother of the groom

garmc

I'm getting married next year to my wtb. I have been with her for more than ten years now. When we told my mum we were finally getting married she didn't want to know she said she would be happy if we got married last year instead of next year. I would of got married years ago if we had the funds. But any way basically my mum said she's not happy for us. She offered to pay for the cake but we have got the cake all sorted out and now she is making a fuss about the whole wedding saying that if her partner can't sit at the top table then she won't go and i told her well don't go then and then a week later she rang me to say she will be going to the wedding with her partner but he can sit at a normal table. Then she said i would be putting her and her partner down by not letting him at the top table i said to her if you feel that way then i don't want use there on the day.


Has anyone ever encountered problems like this

nosietoes

I haven't but I can imagine the problem of separated parents crop up more and more often these days.

If you do want to respect her, then you have to make choices. I would not split up couples at a wedding personally. You could do a sweetheart table or a bridal party only top table and have your mum n partner host a table , your dad (if still around) another and bride's parents another... That way no parent is picked over another.

Or you could decide she 's being unreasonable in general and make no concessions but risk her either not showing up, showing up and making you unhappy or making every moment from now till your wedding day a headache.

Kettleson

I'd let them sit at the top table and then stick her face in that cake. But that's only my opinion. Have a nice wedding day.

njs030

I was at a wedding similar to the first suggestion, the bride and groom sat at a table with the bridesmaids and groomsmen and all 4 sets of parents (all separated and new relationships) had their own table with their friends or family.
It was lovely!!

garmc

Ye my dad is still around. And he is with a partner also but he hi with her over 20 years where as my mum is only with hers a wet day. Well about two years and only seen him once. So i don't know him really. I'm getting to the point of not wanting her there as she it trying her best to ruin everything. When my sister asked her was she looking forward to the big day my mum said no why would i it's just going to be like any other wedding I've been too.

Ken.

If I get married and want both my parents at the top table I may send an invite to George Mitchell. He may have gotten Adams and Paisley around the table but he'd have his work cut out for him.

Calhoun

I had exact same problem in a way with my own mother when getting married but in my case she was single but essentially wanted to control allot of things in the wedding and even had a few spiteful demands to put out my fathers current wife.

I put my foot down as this was a wedding my wife and i were paying for and i was of the impression that we were spending upwards of 20K no one would dictate to me how it should happen.

I am not a heartless baxtard by anymeans we did try accomodate the best we could but when the demands became to much we just put the foot down and told here this is how the wedding was happening.

She decided not to come on the day and we havent spoken in about 3-4 years but it was for the best because the changes she wanted was all about control. For the good of my new family (wife at the time) i had to cut the apron strings and put my foot down.

garmc

@ Calhoun thanks for the advice. Just to get it out there my dads partner has said she will sit at an other table as we only wanted mum's and dads at the top table. I've never really got on with my mum in the last year or two and now this is the straw that broke the camels back. So i really don't care is she goes or not. I just won't tell her not to come if she goes she goes if not it's all the one to me at least i can say you got invited it is up to you to stop acting childish.

Do all grooms mother's go on like this.
As i though i would of had trouble from the future mother in law.

Calhoun

Just read what i posted back dont want it to sound like im not with my wife we just have children now so my family is bigger lol.

I am not sure, in the case of my mother she was still in ways bitter over the break with my dad even though it had been over 10 years since they split up and she instigated the split but at the same time i get a sense she felt she should be doing more or afforded more of privilege in the wedding.

The thing she could never see was that all my wife and i were trying to do was be fair and compromise to make everyone have a happy day but my mother still though she was being undersold.

We couldnt allow this happen every time we had an event that family need attend so we put the foot down.

bee06

garmc wrote: »

Do all grooms mother's go on like this.
As i though i would of had trouble from the future mother in law.

No they don't. My mother in law (husband's mother) was a sweetheart about the whole thing. Very interested but very much of the opinion that it was our wedding and everything was up to us.

Unfortunately your mother is just a selfish wagon. I can't really give advice on how to deal with her but don't put up with it because you think that's the way it's supposed to be.

December2012

You could seat your parents this way - mother of bride beside father of groom, mother of groom beside father of the bride.

I think you should invite your mothers partner as her guest. Also you should invite your fathers partner (although I presume she's already invited as its a different circumstance).

Surely they can be seated with siblings or friends of their respective partners?

Milly33

She does sounds like she is a bit of a pain and I am sorry to hear she isn't being nice about it, but why don't ye just put her partner sitting next to her then, if it keeps her happy...

Wabbit Ears

Your parents are separated and thats something you need to respect that they have new lives and partners that mean something to them, even if they don't mean anything to you!

Either you have all ( bride and grooms) parents and their partners sit at the top table or you you seat all parents and their partners at a different table.

And just because your dad is being accommodating that doesn't change the fact that your mom has a right to be upset. For all you know your dad could be saying its fine but simply be biting is tounge at the completely inappropriate way you are handling this.

IMHO

maryfred

Milly33 wrote: »

She does sounds like she is a bit of a pain and I am sorry to hear she isn't being nice about it, but why don't ye just put her partner sitting next to her then, if it keeps her happy...

Sorry but disagree totally with this.OPs wedding isn't about keeping his mother happy.

OP, my mother started dictating to me how my wedding was going to go, including who was going. We hadn't even set a date yet, anytime I disagreed with her she got nasty. So we set a date,downsized from what we initially were going to do,didn't invite her,haven't spoken to her in over a year and the world kept turning.
Enjoy your planning and your wedding day.

fits

You dont need to have a top table at all. Seat people where they will be happiest as much as you can.

AoifeCork

garmc wrote: »

Do all grooms mother's go on like this.
As i though i would of had trouble from the future mother in law.

Interestingly... I've found that if the groom has sisters, then the Mother of the Groom tends to sit back for her sons' day and let the bride and her family at it. However, I've found that if there are no girls in the grooms family who the mother of the groom can fuss over in the future, they tend to stick their oar in a small bit! Now that's just from my own experience so maybe it's just coincidence. Do you have sisters or first cousins who have been married before and where your mum has been very involved? All families are different and weddings can bring both the best and worst of people, just trying to overcome your own circumstances with grace and understanding is the most important thing... And shur.. That's so easy with 40000 opinions flying about :P
Best of luck, I think the sweethearts table is your best bet. Keep it simple and nobody will feel left out of the limelight. Make it about you

fleet

Is it unreasonable for her to expect the same seating arrangements for herself and her partner as your father and his partner are getting?

This wedding seating lark is starting to remind me of 3rd level math! :-p

Shane Fitz

fleet wrote:

Is it unreasonable for her to expect the same seating arrangements for herself and her partner as your father and his partner are getting?

fleet wrote:

This wedding seating lark is starting to remind me of 3rd level math! :-p

Did you not read the thread. Dad is in a 2nd relationship and he and his partner are sitting seperately. Dad at Top table, partner elsewhere. But the Mum wants HER partner beside her at Top table.

PucaMama

Treat your mother exactly the same as your father her relationship is no less worthy of respect than his. You don't sound like u like her anyway.

Shane Fitz

PucaMama wrote:

Treat your mother exactly the same as your father her relationship is no less worthy of respect than his. You don't sound like u like her anyway.

As with all of boards People need to read the whole thread before commenting.
Mum wants different treatment than Dad. She wants HER partner with her at Top table even though Dad and his partner are sitting seperately

PucaMama

Shane Fitz wrote: »

As with all of boards People need to read the whole thread before commenting.
Mum wants different treatment than Dad. She wants HER partner with her at Top table even though Dad and his partner are sitting seperately

Op has also shown he treats their relationships as different in the way he describes them.

garmc

December2012 wrote: »

You could seat your parents this way - mother of bride beside father of groom, mother of groom beside father of the bride.

I think you should invite your mothers partner as her guest. Also you should invite your fathers partner (although I presume she's already invited as its a different circumstance).

Surely they can be seated with siblings or friends of their respective partners?

Ive no problem inviting my parents partners i just don't want their partners at the top table. As to me their not really any thing to me and why should i involve the partners in my wedding. If i let my mum's partner then i would have to let my dad's partner. The way I'm looking at it is partners should sit at a different table if i let my mum away with it then thats like letting the groomsmens partners and brides maids partners sitting up at the top table. I've made my mind up if my mum won't except that i don't want partners on the top table then i don't want her there

Sligo1

Why don't you just have the bridal party at the top table then. And the parents at different tables (if your fiancée agrees).

garmc

PucaMama wrote: »

Op has also shown he treats their relationships as different in the way he describes them.

No you have it wrong in a way. I don't really know my mum's partner I've only seen him once compare to my dad's partner I've known her 20 odd year's. If i treated them differently then i would have my dad's partner at the top table but i don't i just have him and he was understanding about it as was his partner.

garmc

Sligo1 wrote: »

Why don't you just have the bridal party at the top table then. And the parents at different tables (if your fiancée agrees).

I don't see why we should have to do that just to suit my mum.

Help!!!!

fits wrote: »

You dont need to have a top table at all. Seat people where they will be happiest as much as you can.

Have to agree. When I got married we didn't have a top table. We had one table in the middle then tables circling around it. You could have your mum sit at the table with you then her partner at the next table closest to her.
Otherwise leave them both at home, its your big day you don't need the hassle

Sligo1

garmc wrote: »

I don't see why we should have to do that just to suit my mum.

So what do u want? U don't want to just have yourselves and bridal party at the top table? Well don't then. Have your mum and your dad, your fiancées mum and dad, and the bridal party. That's the orher choice. Or don't have a top table at all. Simples. You can't make your mum sit at the top table if she doesn't want to... And if she doesn't want to then u will have to work around it... Likewise, if you don't want her partner at the top table then don't...

At a recent Wedding where one set of parents are (bitterly) separated, the Bridal party B&G, Bridesmaids and Bestmen, sat at top table. The Grandparents in front of them. Father of Bride and his group to one side of them and other parents at other side, ie Mother of Bride and partner with Parents of groom. Peace and harmony prevailed.

garmc

Sligo1 wrote: »

So what do u want? U don't want to just have yourselves and bridal party at the top table? Well don't then. Have your mum and your dad, your fiancées mum and dad, and the bridal party. That's the orher choice. Or don't have a top table at all. Simples. You can't make your mum sit at the top table if she doesn't want to... And if she doesn't want to then u will have to work around it... Likewise, if you don't want her partner at the top table then don't...

I thought i made it quite clear as what i want. I want a top table withe both sets of parents and the bridal party. With no partners. What do you not understand about that? As i also stated if my mum cannot and will not except that i don't want her partner to sit at the top table i do not want them there on the big day. As she was never happy about me getting married in the first place.

partyguinness

Does your mother's partner even want to sit at the top table? Personally I would be a little embarrassed and prob would insist on taking a sit amongst the plebs.

I am guessing there may be a little brinkmanship going on- your mother will want to show off her new partner in your father's presence.

At the end of the day, it is your wedding and you do what is best for you- if your mother or whoever cannot accept this then tough. Weddings are hard enough to plan besides having to babysit sulking adults.

Sligo1

garmc wrote: »

I thought i made it quite clear as what i want. I want a top table withe both sets of parents and the bridal party. With no partners. What do you not understand about that? As i also stated if my mum cannot and will not except that i don't want her partner to sit at the top table i do not want them there on the big day. As she was never happy about me getting married in the first place.

No offence but you seem to have a massive attitude. I was only trying to give some helpful advice or alternatives. Beginning to think you are probably the one with the problem here. Good luck with that...

fits

I dunno, i think theres a pair of ye in it to be honest.

beyondbelief67

Can I ask what are your bride to be's thoughts on this ? What is it she would like ? Has she said she is worried about it at all ? Only from all the wedding thread I have read it's usually the bride planning the tables etc ?

garmc

partyguinness wrote: »

Does your mother's partner even want to sit at the top table? Personally I would be a little embarrassed and prob would insist on taking a sit amongst the plebs.

I am guessing there may be a little brinkmanship going on- your mother will want to show off her new partner in your father's presence.

At the end of the day, it is your wedding and you do what is best for you- if your mother or whoever cannot accept this then tough. Weddings are hard enough to plan besides having to babysit sulking adults.

He doesn't mind where he sits he was happy with just getting an invitation.

partyguinness

garmc wrote: »

He doesn't mind where he sits he was happy with just getting an invitation.

Well that solves that. He sits wherever you put him. End of. Don't waste anymore time on the subject.

fits

partyguinness wrote: »

Well that solves that. He sits wherever you put him. End of. Don't waste anymore time on the subject.

Especially a year in advance like!

Wabbit Ears

garmc wrote: »

I thought i made it quite clear as what i want. I want a top table withe both sets of parents and the bridal party. With no partners. What do you not understand about that? As i also stated if my mum cannot and will not except that i don't want her partner to sit at the top table i do not want them there on the big day. As she was never happy about me getting married in the first place.

Its completly inappropriate to separate ANYBODY and their +1 at a wedding, let alone your own parents FFS!!!

maryfred

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Its completly inappropriate to separate ANYBODY and their +1 at a wedding, let alone your own parents FFS!!!

No it's not. Bridesmaids and groomsmen don't have their OH at the top table with them. Bottom line,it's up to the bride and groom to decide who sits where. And he wasn't asking for anyone to validate his seating arrangements,just opinions on his mothers behaviour,which is out of line. In my opinion.

December2012

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Its completly inappropriate to separate ANYBODY and their +1 at a wedding, let alone your own parents FFS!!!

It can be entirely appropriate to separate members of the bridal party from their plus ones. Traditionally the bridesmaids are on one side and the grooms men on the other.

its different if there is no top table.

partyguinness

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Its completly inappropriate to separate ANYBODY and their +1 at a wedding, let alone your own parents FFS!!!

It's not the parents- it's the mother and her new partner.

Anyway, it is quite normal for the best man and groomsman to sit at the top table with the OH in the audience on their ownsome.

nikkibikki

In fact isn't it traditional to mix up the parents i.e. brides mother next to grooms father and brides father next to grooms mother? This isn't something we did as my FIL in particular would have been uncomfortable with that situation, we didn't make him do a speech either, we wanted our loved ones to be as comfortable as possible.

OP the dinner is only an hour or 2 so tell her to suck it up, she can sit with him afterwards. Bear in mind she'll also probably want him in photos on the day so you may want to nip that one in the bud in advance of the big day. You obviously don't consider him part of your family, yet anyway.

nosietoes

On the topic of mothers of the groom - my fiancé is 1 of 3 boys and his mum has been nothing but supportive and excited though I've made sure to keep her very much involved.

I don't like traditional top tables in general - I find them kind of anti social and always feel sorry for the partners stuck at random tables at a wedding where their other half is obviously closer to the bride and groom... So I am no help on that topic!!

RentDayBlues

Weddings and funerals are political minefields when it comes to family!

I made choices for our day based on what would keep "family" happy and I regret it to this day!

Don't feel pressure to do anything you don't feel comfortable with, make decisions based on what will make you and your partner happy. People who truly care for you both and want you to have a great day will be there for you, the rest are better out of it!

Wabbit Ears

December2012 wrote: »

It can be entirely appropriate to separate members of the bridal party from their plus ones. Traditionally the bridesmaids are on one side and the grooms men on the other.

its different if there is no top table.

The parents are not members of the bridal party. It would be unusual for the parents of the groom to be part of the bridal party.

Milly33

Well tis either you want the less hassle or you don't not meaning it in nasty way, but just call it... There is always something that comes up that someone isn't going to be happy about so really all in all it comes down to ye...

amdublin

It always seems strange to me to split parents up and putting them sitting beside other people.

Why are you insisting on sitting your mother either beside her ex husband? Or even worse beside your bride to be's father? Does she know him well at all?

Wouldn't you rather people enjoy themselves and sit beside people they want to?

WHY do you WANT the table the way you have described it??

Smartguy

It is no different to bridesmaids and best men not sitting with their partners.

If you are going to have a top table, it is natural to want your parents sitting there with you and also natural to not want their partners.

amdublin

Smartguy wrote: »

It is no different to bridesmaids and best men not sitting with their partners.

If you are going to have a top table, it is natural to want your parents sitting there with you and also natural to not want their partners.

I think the top table is actually the most unnatural thing in the whole world. Your parents are miles away from you in a straight line sure you can't even speak to them.

Wouldn't you prefer your parents to be happy and sitting chatting with people they want to sit with rather than being placed by their daughter or son in laws parent. I know what I'd rather do if I was a mother or father.

maryfred

amdublin wrote: »

WHY do you WANT the table the way you have described it??

Ah, surely because it's his and his fiancee's wedding,they can have the table any way they want.
And as I've already posted,they don't have to validate their choice about table plans or any other aspect of their wedding. That's not why he posted in the first place.

amdublin

maryfred wrote: »

Ah, surely because it's his and his fiancee's wedding,they can have the table any way they want.
And as I've already posted,they don't have to validate their choice about table plans or any other aspect of their wedding. That's not why he posted in the first place.

Like everything in life sometimes it is better to compromise. Just because it's your wedding it doesn't mean you have to do everything exactly as you want it.

Would it really be that bad to have your mams partner sitting beside her knowing she will have a better time - and it makes no difference to you. Or why not have your mam and partner sitting at a different table - again makes no difference to the b&g but would make a big difference to your mam.

Sligo1

maryfred wrote: »

Ah, surely because it's his and his fiancee's wedding,they can have the table any way they want.
And as I've already posted,they don't have to validate their choice about table plans or any other aspect of their wedding. That's not why he posted in the first place.

But OPs mother has stated she does not want to sit at the top table without Her partner. Yes she might be being difficult but IP cannot force her to sit at the top table either. Just because its OPs wedding it doesn't mean he gets EVERYTHING HIS WAY. He can't chain her to the table. And what's more, he's actually stated here that he's told his mum nit to come to wedding if she won't sit at the top table without her partner. That's dispicable behaviour imho. Complete Groomzilla. Mother is being a pain yes. but OPs behaviour is worse.