Confused

Witchie

Recently we had a bit of family emergency in the US and some friends of my family over there were very supportive and so helpful it was unreal. One of them, a young lad from home whom I had spoken to a few times before on the phone but never met, really went above and beyond and became a hero to us all for everything he did.

I was managing the situation from home and had a lot of contact with him over a few weeks. Then the situation got worse and I had to drop everything here and go there to try sort things out.

I continued only to have phone/text contact with this guy until approx 2 weeks into my stay there when my father (also over there) said he was going to meet him for breakfast one Sunday and took me with him. I had realised before I met him that I was beginning to kinda hero worship him and enjoy the phone banter we would have and then I met him and fell hard.

I was a mess that day as hadn't had a chance to get a colour in my hair, was wearing no make up and just looked so crap from stress so I was gutted thinking there was never a chance that he would like me back. I put my feelings aside and got on with doing what I had to do and having fun with him on the phone.

The Wednesday after my first meeting with him I rang him to give him an update on the situation we were dealing with and could hear that he was walking outside. I asked if he was away somewhere and he said he was going for a pint with a friend. I said he was lucky and to enjoy coz I couldn't go drinking as was having to get up at 4am local time so that I could start my job at 9am Irish time (I work remotely so was able to work everyday) and hung up.

I was sitting with the friends I was staying with and as it had been a stressful day they suggested we have a glass of wine. I took a photo of it and sent it to him by text saying "you are a bad influence, couldn't resist". He replied and what started as just friendly texting turned, by him, into major flirting including a message saying "you and me yessssssss".

I couldn't believe my luck. Over the coming days we spoke more and messaged more and he kept telling me to come visit him (2 hours away from where I was) and I planned to come up to him over the weekend. As it turned out I had to go there on the Friday to deal with something for the family matter and was having to wait to meet the person I had that morning so he suggested I come over.

I went to his house and we kissed and it just felt like the whole world had aligned and everything was perfect. We ended up being a bit bolder than I intended but it was the most natural beautiful moment of my life. We only had about an hour together before I had to go and he had to get to work but he was holding me and telling me that "this isn't the end, we will see each other either here or at home" and that "we would stay in touch and see where this goes". Things happened in the family situation and I ended up having to go home the next day and not getting to see him again.

What is now bothering me is he is barely texting me and only responds when I send a message to do with the family situation. I had, prior to meeting him, thought of going over to spend the summer there anyway but when mentioned it to him he said "I don't want you messing up your life for me".

You would look at this and say that he just wanted a quickie and me out of his life but he has insisted in texts that "one and done isn't me" and when we were chatting on the phone he said "you have fallen for me haven't you.....I know how you feel". He is the most straight up person I have ever known and would not be the kind to play games but now am wondering what the hell is going on.

The main issues I can see for us is the fact that he is illegal over there and won't be able to come home and I have to be at home most of next year as my youngest will be doing his leaving cert. He is also a lot younger than me but that really doesn't bother me, but maybe it is bothering him?

So basically do I step back and give him time to sort his head out or do I give up completely? Am thinking of moving there for 2 months in a week or so and will only be about 20 mins away from him and am worried that he will think I am stalking him, but I would love to spend some time with him and give it a go.

I know it is a very quick romance, but it just feels so right. Even my mum, who knows him well, said that we would make so much sense and together could take on the world.

Help!

Penny Tration

You say he's straight up and not playing games, but he is playing games! He's ignoring you unless it's family emergency related.

His contact has basically dropped off since he slept with you. No matter how good he's been to your family, he's proven his lack of romantic interest in you, I'm sorry to say.

I think that moving over there for a few months here and there is the worst thing you could do, when he's showing zero interest now.

As for him being illegal - how would anything work? He can't come to Ireland, so what? He'll just never meet your kids, and you'll move to the states for him? So it'd all be on you to make changes and uproot yourself?

You deserve more.

Witchie

I would not be moving over there for him. My plan was to move there when my youngest goes to College next year anyway but had, despite the horrendous situation I was dealing with, enjoyed being there and about a week into my stay had decided to move there for the summer to see if it really was what I wanted. Him being there had nothing to do with the initial decision, it is just making it more attractive now.

I didn't say we slept together btw! After I left his house that day he was still texting a bit and rang me to make sure I was ok. I am rarely an optimist when it comes to things like this but for the first time ever I am thinking that maybe he has dropped contact so as not to put me under pressure to move over there and also with thoughts of him not being able to come home and me not being able to stay there any longer than 3 months at a time.

The day we were together I invited him to join my family and I for dinner but he was working (something he had told me earlier in the week so it wasn't an excuse) and then my dad told me he had rang him and asked him to not come near us for a few days as we needed to get organised to get out of there. (sounds strange I know but I know my dad's reasoning behind it so its not really but I cant go into that here). He rang me a few hours after I got back to Ireland and was so sweet on the phone but now its like I don't exist.

IlmoNT4

You just met him and your kinda really full on about this guy....probably a little too invested in this, if I'm honest.

Take a step back OP, a very big step back. If hes serious about you, he'll contact you, if hes not then he wouldnt. I would stop texting him and if you are in contact, try not to be so full on or talk about moving to the states etc...you continue your life as normal and if he fits into that then great, if not...jog on.

Put yourself first and value you... not the other way around. He knows that you like him, but your investing too much, too soon and this is off putting for most people. You dont have a relationship with him so why bend backwards for someone who is treating you like this?

CaraMay

Actions speak louder than words op

Witchie

loulou2009 wrote: »

You just met him and your kinda really full on about this guy....probably a little too invested in this, if I'm honest.

Take a step back OP, a very big step back. If hes serious about you, he'll contact you, if hes not then he wouldnt. I would stop texting him and if you are in contact, try not to be so full on or talk about moving to the states etc...you continue your life as normal and if he fits into that then great, if not...jog on.

Put yourself first and value you... not the other way around. He knows that you like him, but your investing too much, too soon and this is off putting for most people. You dont have a relationship with him so why bend backwards for someone who is treating you like this?

If am honest it scared me how much I liked him so fast. I think the intensity of the situation we were in kinda caused this coz I relied on him for so much support and comfort.

As for the moving to the states, as I said that was my plan all along before he came on the scene so I don't see why I should not go along with it.

I have not text him since Friday to see if he will get in touch and have forwarded necessary emails without any chit chat on them. You are right and will be stepping back.

I will go over to the States in a few weeks and more than likely my dad will arrange for him to collect me from the airport and I could even end up having to stay at his house for a few days which could be awkward if things are not better between us by then!

IlmoNT4

I'm not suggesting you change your plans, just not to share them with him.

I would try and avoid staying with him if you could. Hes helped out your family but hes not interested in a relationship with you. Personally hes not treating you very cool, champion yourself...

beyondbelief67

The way I see it is that he might be holding back and trying not to show how much he feels for you and likes you as he would feel guilty if he disrupted your life, and doesn't want you to do things because of him as he might feel responsible and guilty if things didn't work out between you.
Also he might think that you only fell for him because of everything that was going on at the time and he might be wanting to see if you still like or have feelings for him when things are calmer.
As he may think he has nothing to offer you, but by the sounds of how you described him in the first op he has a good heart, and that's something, he might just of stepped back so that he knows you have really thought things through and doesn't want to push you.
I hope everything works out the way you hope for.

Witchie

beyondbelief67 wrote: »

The way I see it is that he might be holding back and trying not to show how much he feels for you and likes you as he would feel guilty if he disrupted your life, and doesn't want you to do things because of him as he might feel responsible and guilty if things didn't work out between you.
Also he might think that you only fell for him because of everything that was going on at the time and he might be wanting to see if you still like or have feelings for him when things are calmer.
As he may think he has nothing to offer you, but by the sounds of how you described him in the first op he has a good heart, and that's something, he might just of stepped back so that he knows you have really thought things through and doesn't want to push you.
I hope everything works out the way you hope for.

This is my gut instinct but then I think that maybe I am just projecting what I want to happen in the situation. His texts and the way his tone of voice changes on the phone when he is talking to me about "us" would make me think this but then his lack of contact has just left me wondering if I imagined all the intensity between us.

He has been through a rough time himself in recent years and I think that he has doubts about his suitability for anyone, let alone the daughter of one of the people he cares a lot about.

I think I will not tell him I am going over but I know he will hear straight away coz my dad will be talking to him.

His boss (another family friend) arrived over there on Monday and always runs him ragged when he is there so I have been excusing his lack of communication for this, but even as deluded as I may be, I know that it only takes a few seconds to send a message.

Agh I keep going around in circles, looking at his previous messages and seeing that he seemed to have fallen for me and care deeply and then I counterbalance that with the lack of messages since Sunday and I fall apart again.

CaraMay

No messages for a week says it all op. Sorry

IlmoNT4

well let him hear that your back from someone else.

Dont make excuses for him or make this about him.....this is about you OP, you've been through a rough time recently etc etc. Focus on yourself...

Witchie

Its not that there has been no messages at all CaraMay, just they have been brief and in the main, about the family situation. Last kinda non situation message was about how his boss works him so hard. I suggested that when I get back we could go away for a few days somewhere and his response was "Ha I need more than a holiday". I replied asking "so what do you need" and didn't get a reply. That was on Wednesday.

Ach maybe I am panicking for nothing, some guys are crap at texting but he did make more of an effort before.

beyondbelief67

Witchie wrote: »

This is my gut instinct but then I think that maybe I am just projecting what I want to happen in the situation. His texts and the way his tone of voice changes on the phone when he is talking to me about "us" would make me think this but then his lack of contact has just left me wondering if I imagined all the intensity between us.

He has been through a rough time himself in recent years and I think that he has doubts about his suitability for anyone, let alone the daughter of one of the people he cares a lot about.

I think I will not tell him I am going over but I know he will hear straight away coz my dad will be talking to him.

His boss (another family friend) arrived over there on Monday and always runs him ragged when he is there so I have been excusing his lack of communication for this, but even as deluded as I may be, I know that it only takes a few seconds to send a message.

Agh I keep going around in circles, looking at his previous messages and seeing that he seemed to have fallen for me and care deeply and then I counterbalance that with the lack of messages since Sunday and I fall apart again.

It really sounds like he is just worried about pushing you, but if I were you I'd sit him down and speak to him in person where you can look in his eyes that will tell you everything you need to know.
Its rare to get a second chance at happiness in life grab it, and don't let it slip away and always be wondering if only and what if ?
Speak to him in person and let him know how much he means to you and you will know one way or the other, but I think the feeling is mutual.

Witchie

It is weird coz even before I met him, I felt a connection and it scares the crap outta me a little and I think that is why am so flustered and worried that his lack of response means he doesn't feel the same. The little things like we would be discussing the situation and he would be getting all annoyed about it and I would say "are you getting annoyed at me" and his tone would change and his voice soften and he would say "how could I be annoyed at you pet". Turns me weak at the knees thinking of it.

I am a larger lady and nothing puts me off my food but since the day that he started flirting with me by text I can barely eat and have struggled to sleep. This is not me.

Just a little more texting from him and I would feel secure in it all but I don't want to be always texting him coz I don't want to scare him off.

He is the sweetest guy on the planet, he rang my mum every few days to make sure she was ok during this whole mess, was the one calming my dad down and had my back in everything I did. As it is, we got the best possible result out of the situation a lot of it down to him introducing me to the right people. He is my hero.

Flippyfloppy

It's seems very one sided OP. He is in an awkward situation, him being so ingrained in your family ;personal ties with your father, his boss is a family friend. He probably doesn't know how to let you down properly without losing face with your family.

At the end of the day, everything was going great. Now you're back in Ireland, and he's not bothered. If a man likes you wild horses wouldn't stop him contacting you. You've made it clear that you're moving over and you're getting absolutely nothing in return. Nada. You speak of going away for a few days and he deflects the subject completely.

Please don't get your father to arrange for you to stay in his house when you return.

Witchie

My dad doesn't know the situation so will seem strange if I refuse to let him help get stuff sorted as that is what he does for my family when they are over there. He kinda works for my dad from time to time.

I hope you are wrong FlippyFloppy coz it certainly didn't seem one sided at the time, in fact he was the one making plans for us for the weekend but unfortunately I had to leave and come home. :-(

CaraMay

Look op he was looking for a fling, not weekends away and you talking about moving over after 1 night.

You need yo listen to what people are telling you - for your own sake.

Flippyfloppy

I certainly would like to be wrong Witchie, it's always nice to see people get together.

It seems one sided now, after it had been going well, for whatever reason. One possibility is that he thought you guys would have a bit of fun, but for him the goalposts were moved when he realized you were moving back over.

Bottom line is now he's not giving you the time of day. I question why you still give him the 'hero' title when he's acting like this? You certainly don't deserve that treatment, you sound like a lovely, kind , vivacious woman. Only give time to people who treat you well, in every way.

Also, you're going to have to put your foot down with your father. It's not up to him to decide where you stay. It seems you didn't have to stay with him the last time, so you certainly don't need to this time. Get your own accommodation! It would be a horribly awkward situation for everyone.

Witchie

CaraMay wrote: »

Look op he was looking for a fling, not weekends away and you talking about moving over after 1 night.

You need yo listen to what people are telling you - for your own sake.

I was moving over before I met him. That has not changed.

I really don't think he was looking for a fling but I do fear that he is now scared of getting in to deep as he sees that I am crazy about him.

I am listening to what is being said and will be not contacting him and will try to avoid him and see what happens but then a part of me is scared if I don't let him know I am there, he will think that I don't care any more and not make any effort either.

As for the weekend away he said he "needed more than just a holiday" so that wasn't him really brushing me off now was it?

CaraMay

Witchie wrote: »

I was moving over before I met him. That has not changed.

I really don't think he was looking for a fling but I do fear that he is now scared of getting in to deep as he sees that I am crazy about him.

I am listening to what is being said and will be not contacting him and will try to avoid him and see what happens but then a part of me is scared if I don't let him know I am there, he will think that I don't care any more and not make any effort either.

As for the weekend away he said he "needed more than just a holiday" so that wasn't him really brushing me off now was it?

Ok you seem to know best

Witchie

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I certainly would like to be wrong Witchie, it's always nice to see people get together.

It seems one sided now, after it had been going well, for whatever reason. One possibility is that he thought you guys would have a bit of fun, but for him the goalposts were moved when he realized you were moving back over.

Bottom line is now he's not giving you the time of day. I question why you still give him the 'hero' title when he's acting like this? You certainly don't deserve that treatment, you sound like a lovely, kind , vivacious woman. Only give time to people who treat you well, in every way.

Also, you're going to have to put your foot down with your father. It's not up to him to decide where you stay. It seems you didn't have to stay with him the last time, so you certainly don't need to this time. Get your own accommodation! It would be a horribly awkward situation for everyone.

He will always be a hero no matter what because he saved my family. End of story. We would not have survived intact without his help.

The only reason my dad might suggest that I stay there is that it has internet that I need for work and am trying to resolve that by getting internet put into out house over there so that I don't need him but there could be a few days waiting.

Previously I was staying with family friends further down the country and it wouldn't be fair on them for me to go back there having spent 3 weeks there previously.

I am trying to ensure I don't have to stay there but as I say it will look weird if I insist that I won't.

toadfly

Sorry OP. I might be wrong but it doesn't look like he is interested in anything serious or long term. Him saying that about the weekend away does seem to me as him brushing it off. If he wanted to go away with you he would have tried to make plans which he did not.

There's nothing stopping you texting him and asking him straight out what he wants, then you know. Cooling off and thinking he will think you aren't interested is just playing games. Be upfront and then move on if he isn't interested.

Do not stay with him when you go over!

Flippyfloppy

Witchie wrote: »

He will always be a hero no matter what because he saved my family. End of story. We would not have survived intact without his help.

The only reason my dad might suggest that I stay there is that it has internet that I need for work and am trying to resolve that by getting internet put into out house over there so that I don't need him but there could be a few days waiting.

Previously I was staying with family friends further down the country and it wouldn't be fair on them for me to go back there having spent 3 weeks there previously.
I am trying to ensure I don't have to stay there but as I say it will look weird if I insist that I won't.

Just get a dongle.

Witchie

CaraMay wrote: »

Ok you seem to know best

Not saying I do but just saying that it wasn't as clear cut as him totally ignoring me, just not as frequent texting as before and not as loving as they had been.

Am still confused coz he was so full on and was the one insisting this was not the end of things and that we would figure something out that am just rattled now that he isn't making the same noises.

Yeah maybe you are right and he has no interest at all but it will kill me if I don't give it a chance. Would rather him tell me that than wonder for the rest of my life "what if".

Witchie

toadfly wrote: »

Sorry OP. I might be wrong but it doesn't look like he is interested in anything serious or long term. Him saying that about the weekend away does seem to me as him brushing it off. If he wanted to go away with you he would have tried to make plans which he did not.

There's nothing stopping you texting him and asking him straight out what he wants, then you know. Cooling off and thinking he will think you aren't interested is just playing games. Be upfront and then move on if he isn't interested.

Do not stay with him when you go over!

I think I might just have to, I think am scared of asking and seeming like am being pushy and ruin any chances of something working out.

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Just get a dongle.

Looked into that but it won't be fast enough for me to use my work vpn unfortunately.

beyondbelief67

Trust your heart and instincts and believe, I can't see him being the type of person to play with your heart and emotions after the way he has spoken to you and the way he has helped your family, someone who does all that has a heart of gold, I really believe he is just worried and concerned for you, but the only way you will know is by taking the chance and asking him. But face to face so many things can get confused on text and phone

IlmoNT4

OP, if he was the type of guy to be upfront he would already be saying thing like

-Hey, I like you but I'm not interested in a relationship etc....he would have already said that.

Or he would have maintained contact and would be excited about you coming back....he is not.

Any contact you do have, as you stated has been about the family event, brief and functional.

He deflected the question about going away with "sure I need more than a holiday", when he didnt reply, he didnt have anything to reply. He doesnt want to go away with you. If he did he would have said " I'm really looking forward to you coming back and going for a few days away sounds great"

Hes not upfront, and my fear for you is even asking him directly he may dance around it, because he doesnt want to hurt your feelings, or he's concerned about the interaction he has with the family, or hes an A** and hes just one of those people who cant own up and say, yes I lead you on but now I've changed my mind but I'm not going to tell you that, I'm just going to hope you go away with enough passive contact and half answers. Kinda selfish if you ask me.

My other concern for you OP is that you dont seem to be really getting what other people are positing here. This matter with internet access and work, your telling me there is no where else in the United states that you can work remotely except this fellas house.... Come on OP..I'm afraid if you allow your excitement for this guy to lead you, you are going to end up in a very awkward and upsetting situation.
Or we could all be totally wrong....but my feelings are that if a guy likes you and wants to be with you, by God you'll know about it.... and forgetting about all the excuses, thats not happening here, is it.? You know the answer already, you are posting on an internet board, hoping for a different outcome.

Witchie

loulou2009 wrote: »

OP, if he was the type of guy to be upfront he would already be saying thing like

-Hey, I like you but I'm not interested in a relationship etc....he would have already said that.

Or he would have maintained contact and would be excited about you coming back....he is not.

Any contact you do have, as you stated has been about the family event, brief and functional.

He deflected the question about going away with "sure I need more than a holiday", when he didnt reply, he didnt have anything to reply. He doesnt want to go away with you. If he did he would have said " I'm really looking forward to you coming back and going for a few days away sounds great"

Hes not upfront, and my fear for you is even asking him directly he may dance around it, because he doesnt want to hurt your feelings, or he's concerned about the interaction he has with the family, or hes an A** and hes just one of those people who cant own up and say, yes I lead you on but now I've changed my mind but I'm not going to tell you that, I'm just going to hope you go away with enough passive contact and half answers. Kinda selfish if you ask me.

My other concern for you OP is that you dont seem to be really getting what other people are positing here. This matter with internet access and work, your telling me there is no where else in the United states that you can work remotely except this fellas house.... Come on OP..I'm afraid if you allow your excitement for this guy to lead you, you are going to end up in a very awkward and upsetting situation.
Or we could all be totally wrong....but my feelings are that if a guy likes you and wants to be with you, by God you'll know about it.... and forgetting about all the excuses, thats not happening here, is it.? You know the answer already, you are posting on an internet board, hoping for a different outcome.

You are right about everything you say, except the internet access....as this will only be a temporary issue. I don't want to stay at his house but am wary of my dad pushing me to until I get my internet sorted. Hopefully it won't happen.

He probably is no longer interested and I can understand why, am not exactly much of a prize. It has just confused and upset me to think that he would lead me on like he did and then suddenly duck away.

Oh well, another chapter to add to the disaster of my life.

Witchie

Just before I give up altogether though should I send him a text today asking how his day has been so far and hoping that he is getting a chance to relax after a tough week? Sunday's are the only days he seems to have down time on really so he might be more open today. If no response or one without the usual kisses etc, then I will be more sure that he is no longer interested.

Or do I leave it so that I don't seem like a stalker?

beyondbelief67

Witchie wrote: »

You are right about everything you say, except the internet access....as this will only be a temporary issue. I don't want to stay at his house but am wary of my dad pushing me to until I get my internet sorted. Hopefully it won't happen.

He probably is no longer interested and I can understand why, am not exactly much of a prize. It has just confused and upset me to think that he would lead me on like he did and then suddenly duck away.

Oh well, another chapter to add to the disaster of my life.

Please don't think like that, you are a lovely caring person, that so shows in your posts.
And will be a real prize for the right guy. And this person could still be that, like you say he has been hurt to so might be really confused as you are by everything that happened at whirlwind speed, but it really does sound like there Is a connection.
But you won't know without checking, and if not please don't let it knock your confidence, your an amazing person for everything you do and have done and been through lately and still standing.

bee06

OP, I almost feel overwhelmed by how you talk about this guy. It's all very intense and I'm sure he's picking up on that. Take a step back and let him have some breathing space. If it's meant to work out it will. Pushing it won't help.

Witchie wrote: »

You are right about everything you say, except the internet access....as this will only be a temporary issue. I don't want to stay at his house but am wary of my dad pushing me to until I get my internet sorted. Hopefully it won't happen.

As for your dad, can you not just say "Dad, I'm a grown woman with my own children. I'm perfectly capable of sorting this out myself".

Witchie

bee06 wrote: »

OP, I almost feel overwhelmed by how you talk about this guy. It's all very intense and I'm sure he's picking up on that. Take a step back and let him have some breathing space. If it's meant to work out it will. Pushing it won't help.



As for your dad, can you not just say "Dad, I'm a grown woman with my own children. I'm perfectly capable of sorting this out myself".

I have taken a step back and kept texts very light hearted all week, just about the situation and then the odd "how are you" type thing. But yeah I suppose I should just let it happen or not as it will or wont.

On the dad thing, I have said I will sort it but its just that he will be wondering what the hell is wrong with me staying with this guy since the house he lives in used to be my dads and they shared it for a while.

Will deal with that aspect but just don't want to ruin my dad and his friendship by acting all stroppy about it.

Flippyfloppy

Witchie wrote: »

Just before I give up altogether though should I send him a text today asking how his day has been so far and hoping that he is getting a chance to relax after a tough week? Sunday's are the only days he seems to have down time on really so he might be more open today. If no response or one without the usual kisses etc, then I will be more sure that he is no longer interested.

Or do I leave it so that I don't seem like a stalker?

If you insist on texting him again ask him straight out where you stand. No more going around in circles, tiptoeing round things like a teenager, like it's not a serious issue.

Hope you don't mind but I took the liberty of reading some of your past posts! I see one of your regrets is not moving to the states 15 years ago! It seems moving there has always been a dream of yours, so don't let him stop you. But see this thing with him for what it is; a PAGE in the story of your life. In your eyes he has it all, he lives in your dream place, he's helpful, knows your family. But there'll be much better guys out there.

Do a bit of research online there about dating so you'll have all your wits about you the next time.

LegacyUser

hi there op, i could be wrong here but maybe, as he is younger than you, he may just be someone who is looking to have kids of his own one day, and as yours would be about 20, i dont know, maybe this may not be a possibility with yourself now ? (i know this sounds awful, but as it seems that you two get on so well i would imagine it would be the only thing that may hold him back from the relationship, if he feels strongly about you but also about having a family one day it may be difficult for him to choose?) (just my two cents, as i say, i could be wrong, but it does sound like he likes you a lot but there is something stopping him. regarding the comment about needing more than a holiday from his job, personally id take that to mean he needs therapy for it or something (im guessing he was joking though)

Witchie

bee06 wrote: »

OP, I almost feel overwhelmed by how you talk about this guy. It's all very intense and I'm sure he's picking up on that. Take a step back and let him have some breathing space. If it's meant to work out it will. Pushing it won't help.



As for your dad, can you not just say "Dad, I'm a grown woman with my own children. I'm perfectly capable of sorting this out myself".

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

If you insist on texting him again ask him straight out where you stand. No more going around in circles, tiptoeing round things like a teenager, like it's not a serious issue.

Hope you don't mind but I took the liberty of reading some of your past posts! I see one of your regrets is not moving to the states 15 years ago! It seems moving there has always been a dream of yours, so don't let him stop you. But see this thing with him for what it is; a PAGE in the story of your life. In your eyes he has it all, he lives in your dream place, he's helpful, knows your family. But there'll be much better guys out there.

Do a bit of research online there about dating so you'll have all your wits about you the next time.

Yes it has long been something I want and is why I took the job I took as I can work remotely. I might hold off on big dramatic statements today and just when out having a few drinks later text him to see if he is having a good Sunday. You are right though, another page in the book.

As for the online dating thing, funnily, when I realised I had feelings for him I went on Tinder over there to see what options there were as I didn't see him having any feelings for me. I actually had a date planned the day I met him first in person, but luckily it got cancelled coz I really didn't want to go after meeting him.

cestmavie wrote: »

hi there op, i could be wrong here but maybe, as he is younger than you, he may just be someone who is looking to have kids of his own one day, and as yours would be about 20, i dont know, maybe this may not be a possibility with yourself now ? (i know this sounds awful, but as it seems that you two get on so well i would imagine it would be the only thing that may hold him back from the relationship, if he feels strongly about you but also about having a family one day it may be difficult for him to choose?) (just my two cents, as i say, i could be wrong, but it does sound like he likes you a lot but there is something stopping him. regarding the comment about needing more than a holiday from his job, personally id take that to mean he needs therapy for it or something (im guessing he was joking though)

This is something that has entered my mind. My youngest is 17 so no longer a baby but since am in my early 40's and despite me saying to the contrary for many years, I would have another baby if that was something that he would love. I love kids and regret only having had the 2 but that was how my life panned out. Now I am more in the mindset of granny mode but if it was something he felt strongly about, it is definitely something I would consider.

I also, from his other texts previously, read into the "I need more than a holiday" as meaning he wanted more fun and that's why I asked him what more he needed but he didn't respond. He is not the kinda guy who would be all smutty so maybe he was too shy to say too much.

Flippyfloppy

Witchie wrote: »

I also, from his other texts previously, read into the "I need more than a holiday" as meaning he wanted more fun and that's why I asked him what more he needed but he didn't respond. He is not the kinda guy who would be all smutty so maybe he was too shy to say too much.

It could be taken up like that, but I read it as 'nah your grand, I'd need more than that'

bee06

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

It could be taken up like that, but I read it as 'nah your grand, I'd need more than that'

Yeah, that's how I read it as well.

Ethel

I wish I could tell you what you want to hear Witchie, but I will tell you what I think is true. While I'm sure this man did do some good deeds for the family, I don't believe he wants any more to come of this. His willingness to do some good doesn't mean he's a ready to settle down guy. Some people make all the right noises, and promise things when they want something from you. Don't let feelings cloud your judgement here, his contact has reduced and it says it all.

My feeling is, he knew you were keen. You might think you gave nothing away, but I even get how keen you are from what you write. You were excited. That's why his change of direction is confusing you. It seems it was an emotive time, given the family situation, this guy really seemed to shine through. You were already falling for this ideal guy, imo.

I wouldn't text him Witchie, and believe me if I thought there was more in it, I'd tell you to. Dial it back, a lot. If he texts you, answer civilly, but don't read into it as anything more. If two people are falling for each other hard you don't let go, I certainly wouldn't. He should be knotted over there asking when you can see each other again. I think you were flattered by him and the whole thing blew into something very intense. It happens. It happens to a lot of people when they go on holiday, then the harsh reality hits when they get home. This is no different.

Please don't be disheartened.

seenitall

Witchie wrote: »

"this isn't the end"

Hi OP,

when you hear a guy say this, run like the wind. It's a big red flag as to his (non) intentions. I know it sounds like just the opposite, and I'm not able to comprehend it myself, but what I do know is that I've been around the block enough times now to know that it marks a non-starter.

Perhaps it's something to do with not wanting to feel like a bad guy so taking the trouble to make the appropriate noise (without following up on it, of course), or perhaps he believes it himself, in some kind of half-hearted, non-committal way. Who knows?

Also, I really didn't like how he enjoyed spelling it out just how much you like him. Again, it's an ego thing, OP. Can't you see that someone who is truly into you would be more about that, than wanting to hear all about how into him you are. Frankly, even that in and of itself, I'd find it very, very off-putting on a man's part, I have better things to do than stroking some immature guy's ego.

You sound like a lovely person, OP, but you will need to harden up a good deal if you're up for this dating game malarkey. It can be tough, exhausting and disheartening, and you absolutely have to have your wits about you and be able to sort the wheat from the chaff, and the sooner the better.

As for this guy, make sure you take him off that pedestal you have him on, and then forget about him in any romantic sense. No good will come of it.

Best wishes.

Witchie

Am letting it go. No word from him so no point pursuing it. I might send him a final message saying that I hope that things won't be awkward between us when I inevitably see him over there as he will probably be collecting my dad and I from the airport and that am happy to just be friends.

Heartbroken that something that seemed to have so much potential is gone but that is life.

CaraMay

Don't send him any messages op. There is no need and you'll only feel worse if he doesn't reply.

retro:electro

Witchie wrote: »

Am letting it go. No word from him so no point pursuing it. I might send him a final message saying that I hope that things won't be awkward between us when I inevitably see him over there as he will probably be collecting my dad and I from the airport and that am happy to just be friends.

Heartbroken that something that seemed to have so much potential is gone but that is life.

Why would you send him a final message? Just leave it. You have to dial it back now op, there's absolutely no need to send another message to him. I don't mean to sound harsh when I say this but you are seriously running the risk of making a fool of yourself

Witchie

Just thought it made sense to let him know that I wouldn't be causing any drama or making things awkward but yeah perhaps you are right and I should just leave it.

Stavro Mueller

Witchie, I hadn't posted to this thread because I'd nothing to add to the advice everyone else was giving. When I see 40 year old woman and "young lad" in a thread I'm afraid I'm thinking cougars and casual fun. To me it's obvious that this young man isn't interested in anything serious and has backed away. A 40 year old woman with grown up children is a serious amount of baggage to a guy in his twenties (I'm guessing he's 24 or 25?) and not what most young men would want to take on.

That talk of sending a text is a blatantly obvious attempt to attract his attention one final time and try and provoke him into something. It's a terrible idea and I think you should leave it be. A text like what you want to send could make things even more awkward I think.

CaraMay

Witchie wrote: »

Just thought it made sense to let him know that I wouldn't be causing any drama or making things awkward but yeah perhaps you are right and I should just leave it.

You don't need to say that you just need to behave like that.

Stavro Mueller

CaraMay wrote: »

You don't need to say that you just need to behave like that.

Exactly! I think if you act as if nothing has happened and everything is fine you will come out better from this. It'd be the classier thing to do.

Witchie

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Witchie, I hadn't posted to this thread because I'd nothing to add to the advice everyone else was giving. When I see 40 year old woman and "young lad" in a thread I'm afraid I'm thinking cougars and casual fun. To me it's obvious that this young man isn't interested in anything serious and has backed away. A 40 year old woman with grown up children is a serious amount of baggage to a guy in his twenties (I'm guessing he's 24 or 25?) and not what most young men would want to take on.

That talk of sending a text is a blatantly obvious attempt to attract his attention one final time and try and provoke him into something. It's a terrible idea and I think you should leave it be. A text like what you want to send could make things even more awkward I think.

29 but it still applies.

Yeah its time to let it go. Thanks.

Flippyfloppy

Good for you Witchie. We've all been there.

CaraMay

Witchie wrote: »

29 but it still applies.

Yeah its time to let it go. Thanks.

It's definitely the best thing to do. He's very young op and sounds immature.

Witchie

Got a text from him saying that he hadn't actually thought I would be back and had just been "being nice to me" and is now dating someone else.

At least I have closure. Heartbroken a little but closure all the same.

Buona Fortuna

Hi Witchie

Have an e-hug