Not Walking My Daughter Down The Aisle

LegacyUser

Eldest daughter is getting married on Wed and I have just found out she wants
her Uncle to walk her down the aisle, I'm devastated

Neyite

I'm sorry to hear that OP. I take it that you don't have a close relationship with her?

LegacyUser

I thought we did, never a case of sit down and a heart to heart but anytime she had a bigger life problem, there was only ever one person she would go to, me. Not sure what to do about the wedding now

LegacyUser

Do I go or not? Really don't feel like it now and entering extreme tunnel vision. Help.

ladygirl

OP you clearly do not have a close relationship with her. Im speaking for myself when I say that I would be similar to your daughter. Im 99% sure at this stage that my father won't walk me down the aisle either. Op I've given HUGE thought to this already and I'm not even engaged. I can only assume your daughter has too.

Also as it is her wedding day please dont add further insult to injury by making a fuss about this. Maybe use this as an incentive to try rebuild the relatiinship you have with her. Clearly you dont realise how bad things are between you two.

LegacyUser

ladygirl, if you want to speak for yourself, fair enough, but don't come on here to speak for my daughter nor myself. Also clearly you don't realise the relationship between myself and my daughter as you know neither of us. I always presumed, obviously wrongly, an ordinary Father, Daughter relationship

cee_jay

Have you asked your daughter her reason for choosing her uncle? Did she give any explanation?

Addle

Really Hurt wrote: »

Do I go or not? Really don't feel like it now and entering extreme tunnel vision. Help.

Do go. It'll be tough but it will be the beginning if the end of your relationship if you don't.

Is it your brother that's giving her away? Why do you think she's asked him?

Neyite

Really Hurt wrote: »

I thought we did, never a case of sit down and a heart to heart but anytime she had a bigger life problem, there was only ever one person she would go to, me. Not sure what to do about the wedding now

If you've always been there for her, then it does seem a bit odd. No falling out?. Has she explained to you (or anyone in the family) why she chose her uncle over you?

Riverireland

Really Hurt wrote: »

ladygirl, if you want to speak for yourself, fair enough, but don't come on here to speak for my daughter nor myself. Also clearly you don't realise the relationship between myself and my daughter as you know neither of us. I always presumed, obviously wrongly, an ordinary Father, Daughter relationship

Really hurt, and I genuinely believe you are. But you asked for opinions and have to accept them. Go to the wedding with a smile on your face for your daughters big day. Could another family member possibly shed some light on her choice? It is an unusual decision, she has a reason, whether she is correct or not is not for anyone on boards to know.

kylith

Does her uncle have any daughters? If he doesn't and you have other daughters she may think that since he will never get to walk anyone down the aisle that she's doing something nice for him.

Really, you should sit down and ask her about this, I can understand that it must be heartbreaking for you.

dixiefly

kylith wrote: »

Does her uncle have any daughters? If he doesn't and you have other daughters she may think that since he will never get to walk anyone down the aisle that she's doing something nice for him.

Really, you should sit down and ask her about this, I can understand that it must be heartbreaking for you.

In itself not a justification to ditch her dad imho.

miamee

It seems odd that the wedding is in a couple of days but you've only just 'found out'. Haven't you talked about the wedding with her at all? Who's doing what etc? It's unusual that it hasn't come up before now.

Oryx

You need to talk to her. Get her to explain why. It may well be that rather than NOT wanting you to walk her, she may feel for some reason its a nice thing to ask her uncle. She may have assumed, wrongly, that you would be ok with that. But the only way to handle this is by talking about it.

You absolutely should swallow your pride and attend the wedding, and be proud of her anyway. Assume if you do have a good relationship that her motives were not malicious anyway, just misunderstood. Not attending is far worse than any offence her choice may have caused.

blatantrereg

Really Hurt wrote: »

Do I go or not? Really don't feel like it now and entering extreme tunnel vision. Help.

Bizarre situation. Ask her why?

I think you would be very likely to regret not going. Going will probably require swallowing your pride and a stoic kind of attitude.

CaraMay

Why is this only coming up now? Who told you? Where does she expect you to sit, in the congregation? If, as you say, you have a normal - good father-daughter relationship then shame on her on so many levels.

LegacyUser

I think it'll look extremely pointed and be a major talking point amongst the congregation.
Especially as OP seems to have no idea why he's been cast out of the wedding party, & someone else taking his place. All very strange stuff.
OP, you'll have to man up& ask your daughter politely but directly what the story is.
Either you do this before the wedding, or else face all your friends, neighbours& relatives asking you on the day.

FouxDaFaFa

Is your brother in good health, OP?

It is a bit unusual but I think it's odd that the wedding is very close and you're only finding out the details now. Did she tell you, previous to this, that you would be walking her down the aisle and now she's springing this on you? Or is the first you've discussed the wedding at all?

catonthewire

It does seem.really strange, she waits until a few days before the wedding to make you aware she chose her uncle not her Dad...

My own Father sadly passed away before I married, but had he been alive he would have been my only choice...
You honestly need to clear the air with your daughter OP, there is absolutely no way it won't go unnoticed by family and friends on the day, an uncomfortable situation if anyone mentions it..

Talk to her on your own, simply ask.her why...

mocha please!

You also need to find out whether you'll be doing a father of the bride speech, or if he'll be doing that, too!

It's all very unusual. If she has some genuine reason - fair enough - but it's inexcusable that she didn't let you know until now.

Are you certain she didn't say it jokingly and you picked it up wrong?

LegacyUser

Oh gosh. I'm a daughter, and I can't imagine any reason why she would do this. Or why anyone would do it, unless there was a truly appalling relationship. If her uncle is sick or something, she should have at least had the courtesy to talk it through with you first before asking him.

You have to ask OP. To be honest, you have every right to ask. You really should go to the wedding though.

Weddings are funny, people make odd decisions that might seem totally ok to them, but really terrible to other people. I don't subscribe to the "it's your wedding day, do what you want" sentiment - yes it is your wedding day, but you have family who love you and it's a big day for them too - and you have invited a load of people, so you do have to think about your guests aswell. Quite often you have to swallow your personal feelings and think of the other person/people - and that applies to both sides, bride/groom and close family.

HelgaWard

Really harsh thing for your daughter to do, can totally understand why you feel so hurt. Unfortunately all you can do is talk to her, although this week might not be the best time to do it. She is probably up to 90 with the last minute prep and could be stressed and not react best to being asked. I know it will be a very hard thing to do, but for your sake of your future relationship with your daughter you need to take a deep breath, put your hurt to one side, proceed with the wedding and then when the dust settles after the honeymoon and all, ask your daughter why she asked her uncle to walk her up the isle.

Starokan

If you have a good relationship then I have to say I think this is a dreadful thing for her to do. I cannot understand why she would do that tbh

I guess you have to ask her and try figure it out, to be honest her uncle should not have accepted it either.

There is clearly some issue here op, in any family with no feuds or problems this would be seen as a massive issue, all you can do is ask I guess, or see can any of the rest of the family shed some light on it

ladygirl

Really Hurt wrote: »

ladygirl, if you want to speak for yourself, fair enough, but don't come on here to speak for my daughter nor myself. Also clearly you don't realise the relationship between myself and my daughter as you know neither of us. I always presumed, obviously wrongly, an ordinary Father, Daughter relationship

OP You came here to ask for advice - I'm trying to give you just that from what would be a daughters point of view. Obviously I am not 100% aware of the type of relationship you and your daughter share because I do not know either of you personally. However what I do know is that if you had a good relationship with your daughter, she would not have asked another man to walk her down the aisle.

I do not understand how you are unaware of this until now either. Have you not asked her previously how her wedding plans were going? Have you tried to show interest in the planning of her big day? Were you not at the wedding rehearsal?

Yes it hurts but ultimately the decision is hers. No one would make a huge choice like that on a whim either, its clearly something she would have mulled over lots in her head over the months/years.

I honestly think if you were 100% honest with yourself you would know exactly why your not walking her down the aisle. Can you speak with your wife about this, or maybe another son/daughter. I don't think bringing this up with your daughter at such a late stage is a good idea.

xXLaneyXx

Hi OP,

I find this so odd that your daughter has decided to do this without some kind of obvious reason. I have a sister getting married this year but my father won't be walking her up the aisle. Her and our father have always clashed over the years and although they speak they are not close. She has 2 small children with her Fiance and she has decided that they will be doing the honour of walking her up the aisle. My father will still carry out the Father of the Bride speech but I know all too well that this will be a short and very much to the point as in wishing them all the best for the future.

Your daughter obviously has her reasons for not asking you and until you ask you will never know. Can your wife shed any light on it? Has you other children that might know?

Queen-Mise

I'd tell her you are hurt about it and ask for her reasoning.

If it isn't a valid and good enough reason, I wouldn't go.

This is a serious insult to you as a father, I'm not surprised your hurt.

ShowMeTheCash

Really Hurt wrote: »

ladygirl, if you want to speak for yourself, fair enough, but don't come on here to speak for my daughter nor myself. Also clearly you don't realise the relationship between myself and my daughter as you know neither of us. I always presumed, obviously wrongly, an ordinary Father, Daughter relationship

OP - You give little information here, you drop in and say you are not walking your daughter down the isle and say you have a normal father daughter relationship.

I doubt anyone here can give you any advice with this information...

Are you part of the wedding party?
Will you be at the head table with your wife?
Are you married to your daughters mother?
Did you live in the family home with your daughter as she grew up?
Have you ever had issues with alcohol?

OP - with no information any advice would probably be bad advice...

Addle

Had what you're going to wear come up in conversation?
Is it a 'traditional' Irish wedding? Wednesday wouldn't be the most common day to have a wedding reception.

FurBabyMomma

I agree with the above poster. Unless it's a very non-traditional wedding did no-one think to question why you weren't fitted with a suit along with the groom and best man? That would have been a red flag for most people right there.

gctest50

Really Hurt wrote: »

ladygirl, if you want to speak for yourself, fair enough, but don't come on here to speak for my daughter nor myself. Also clearly you don't realise the relationship between myself and my daughter as you know neither of us. I always presumed, obviously wrongly, an ordinary Father, Daughter relationship

by that post I think you already know the answer - she could be his daughter
& is starting out fresh etc

retro:electro

Have you involved yourself with the wedding planning much? Would the uncle be supplementing the wedding financially? Just throwing some stuff out there as the information you've given has been fairly vague

Emme

I don't have a good relationship with my father but I'm not married. I always said that if I did get married it would in Vegas or somewhere like that and then come home and tell everyone. I wouldn't put my father into a situation like the OP even though we don't get on at all.

Maybe the bride's uncle is unwell and has a short time left to live.

Call me Al

You've given very little information to base any informed opinion or advice on.
Clearly there's been a huge lapse in communication. The only times I've seen a daughter not have her dad walk her up the aisle was where he wasn't on the scene or there was a difficult or non-existent relationship.

Maybe you aren't as close to your daughter as you thought you were? Has this uncle been involved in your daughter's life on a consistent basis? Have you been involved in her life or have you been an absent father for much of it?
Just because you are her father and you perceive the relationship to be good may not, in her mind, automatically convey you this privilege.

You should ask her what she is thinking, not just because of this incident, but for the health and quality of your relationship for the future.

tinkerbell

How bizarre. OP, there has to be something else going on here and I don't buy for one second that she's asked her uncle because maybe he's got no daughters / ill health / etc ?or other reasons other posters on here suggested) and she's asked him so he won't miss out - there is just no way on earth that a bride, with a good relationship with her dad, would ask her uncle to walk her down the aisle just to do a good deed for said uncle. No way.

Assuming it's a normal happy father-daughter relationship, then of course you'd want your dad to walk you down the aisle and of course he would want to do the same! So there's gotta be some other reason. If not, then I think that is extremely bad form on her part and insulting to you. Jees I could never imagine asking an uncle over my own dad.

Are you not really in her life much? Has her uncle been more of a father figure to her while growing up?

eviltwin

It wouldn't be the first time a parent who has a terrible relationship with their child is ignorant or pleads ignorance. I have no relationship to speak of with my parent, she didn't even get an invite to my wedding. I had good reason for that but she played the poor me card. I'm sure I came off as the bad guy to anyone she told. Just because the OP is either unaware or in denial of the state of his relationship with his daughter doesn't make her mean or out of order. She doesn't owe him a part in the wedding. I think not going just makes it worse. Go, be happy for her, fake it if you have to. Maybe you can work on repairing things with her.

Mourinho

Out of interest you weren't asked for costs towards the wedding, a site or a house, etc that you couldn't/wouldn't give? I've seen it before, little madams doing it out of spite cause daddy wouldn't pay for the big wedding/mansion of a house.

Call me Al

Mourinho wrote: »

Out of interest you weren't asked for costs towards the wedding, a site or a house, etc that you couldn't/wouldn't give? I've seen it before, little madams doing it out of spite cause daddy wouldn't pay for the big wedding/mansion of a house.

You've actually seen girls/women not allow their father walk them down the aisle because he wouldn't pay for the wedding or a house!?!!

Mourinho

Call me Al wrote: »

You've actually seen girls/women not allow their father walk them down the aisle because he wouldn't pay for the wedding or a house!?!!

Yes the world is full of all sorts.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am just giving my experience of this as well and I am in no way saying this is exact what your relationship with your daughter is like.

I can completely understand a daughter not wanting her father to walk her down the aisle. I'm also not engaged but will not be having my father walk me down the aisle.

My parents separated when I was 12 and he left us. IMO he's a total narcissist and has never cared for any of us.

In his eyes though he always thought he was a great dad, even to this day until I told him a few home truths.

It can happen and the best thing to do is to speak to her about this. It's the only way you'll get any answers.

I do think you should go and try to enjoy the day for her sake.

Magenta

I'm 95% sure my father won't be walking me down the aisle either.
He's a misogynistic bully, he's called me every name under the sun and expects "oh I didn't mean it" or "I don't remember saying that" to wash. If that doesn't work he starts the guilt trips about how he'll be dead some day....

OP I think there is a lot more to your story than you are letting on, particularly since you got so defensive after asking for opinions and then receiving them.

MrWalsh

There is quite clearly more to this story than what has been posted.

The only way for the OP to know why his daughter does not want him to give her away is for him to ask her. However, if the relationship is very fractured (and particularly if it is fractured and he is completely unaware of that fact) then she might not even tell him why.

OP I would suggest you are happy for your daughter on her wedding day even if you have to fake it. It is her day. You seem to be very concerned with how it will look as opposed to what it means about your relationship. To that end I would say stop worrying about what other people think because if they see you happy and enjoying the day they will simply assume there is some gracious reason why the uncle did it instead of you. If asked just shrug it off and say you were glad not to have a formal role so you could just enjoy the day.

Beyond that, try working on your relationship with your daughter.

di11on

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

OP - You give little information here, you drop in and say you are not walking your daughter down the isle and say you have a normal father daughter relationship.

I doubt anyone here can give you any advice with this information...

Are you part of the wedding party?
Will you be at the head table with your wife?
Are you married to your daughters mother?
Did you live in the family home with your daughter as she grew up?
Have you ever had issues with alcohol?

OP - with no information any advice would probably be bad advice...

I would put my money on the reason lying in the answers to these questions.

nikkibikki

Whatever happens OP, go to the wedding as you will never get that day back again and you will regret it if you don't go. Go to the ceremony anyway. Stay away from the reception if you don't want to go. If people ask why you didn't walk her down the aisle, just say something like it's not for you to answer and walk away from the nosebags!

I wouldn't make a Father of the Bride speech though, unless you want to just make a very short one in welcoming her husband to the family and telling her she looks beautiful.

I have a family member getting married later this year and her Dad isn't walking her down the aisle, nobody is. She kind of sees it as a transaction between 2 men and hates it! He is fairly hurt about it but he would be devastated if somebody else had been asked.

People do strange things in the run up to weddings, myself included, made a few mistakes in the run up to mine. My Dad was so proud to walk me up the aisle and was brilliant! I'd never dream of asking somebody else if my Dad was still around. Your daughter should have spoken to you about this long ago as obviously you would assume that that duty would fall to you, assuming ye had a good relationship and you were there for her growing up. If this was the case also, I agree her uncle should not have accepted.

skallywag

nikkibikki wrote: »

I have a family member getting married later this year and her Dad isn't walking her down the aisle, nobody is. She kind of sees it as a transaction between 2 men and hates it! He is fairly hurt about it but he would be devastated if somebody else had been asked.

'Transaction between 2 men' ? Good God, that makes it sound like the selling of a slave in Roman times.

Awful form by the girl in question in my opinion.

miamee

Well OP, the wedding is today and I really hope that you are going along whether walking her down the aisle or not. Make the most of the day, she's still only got one father and I'm sure she'll be delighted to have you there.

CaraMay

Yeah it's tough that she didn't tell him well before now

nikkibikki

skallywag wrote: »

'Transaction between 2 men' ? Good God, that makes it sound like the selling of a slave in Roman times.

Awful form by the girl in question in my opinion.

I didn't put that great really did I! She doesn't like the idea of one man giving her away to another man, which is really where the tradition comes from. She'd be quite feminist in some of her views. It's not really about that anymore in modern times, it's a pride thing for Dad's, but not how she sees it, she still see's the custom in the traditional sense.

The transaction part was just me trying to put all that into a few words without a whole paragraph, but I don't really have a fantastic way with words!

But that isn't the case here, OP's daughter is having another man give her away. Today. Weddings are usually on between 12 and 2 so I hope the OP came back to read responses before it and decided to go to the ceremony.

jill_valentine

skallywag wrote: »

'Transaction between 2 men' ? Good God, that makes it sound like the selling of a slave in Roman times.

Awful form by the girl in question in my opinion.

That's what it was, in effect, once upon a time, so yeah, I don't blame anybody for wanting to excise it from their special day. The father is supposed to be handing his daughter over to her husband to be so he can take over. I understand it's a very engrained tradition at this point, but it isn't at all strange that somebody might not like the connotations of it in a modern ceremony which is supposed to be about romance.

This is different though. Not doing it at all is one thing, but making a point of asking somebody else is quite another.

power pants

Im not sure I would be all that bothered in attending the wedding if I was in the same situation.

Its farcical that the daughter never gave a reason to the father, if what the father is saying on here is true that theior relationship is good.

Its also facrical that the father never knew until a couple of days before the wedding. why did you not ask how the wedding was going prior?

However, If I had not always been in my daughter's life or seperated from the family for periods of time, then I would and could understand not being asked. I would be happy to attend the wedding.

But, if I had always been in her life. No, I dont think I would go to the wedding at all.

di11on

power pants wrote: »

Im not sure I would be all that bothered in attending the wedding if I was in the same situation.

Its farcical that the daughter never gave a reason to the father, if what the father is saying on here is true that theior relationship is good.

Its also facrical that the father never knew until a couple of days before the wedding. why did you not ask how the wedding was going prior?

However, If I had not always been in my daughter's life or seperated from the family for periods of time, then I would and could understand not being asked. I would be happy to attend the wedding.

But, if I had always been in her life. No, I dont think I would go to the wedding at all.

I agree. Being the father of two daughters, this really is the nuclear option. There would really need to be a history of dysfunction of some sort to justify it.

skallywag

power pants wrote: »

But, if I had always been in her life. No, I dont think I would go to the wedding at all.

I would have to agree with this, and I don't agree with those posters taking the 'have a good look at yourself you must have done something wrong' line, in fact I find that very unfair to the OP.

OP, if my own daughter did this to me I would also be dumbfounded and would certainly take her up on it. I would also imagine that I would be upset enough not to be in a fit state to attend her wedding.