Partner Keeping a Diary of my activties

LegacyUser

So my long term girl friend of about 10 years is away on holiday at the moment with her sisters.

This morning she rang me to ask me to send an email of a file to a work colleague

When I was attaching the file I noticed a spreadsheet file just called my name

I opened the file and I saw it was a recording of all of the things I have done over the last two years without her, for example I met a friend after work for coffee and that was the latest entry in the file. Its got day, dates, times and who i potential was with in some cases.

Over the past few years I've gone from being a fat bloke into a trim and sporty bloke and dare I say not exactly beaten with the ugly stick and I've got attention from girls when I have been out, but I've never done anything about it.

I'm p1$$ed off now by this, I really want to say to her who does she think she is recording what I do, i find it a massive betrayal of trust

Any advice on the best way to handle this, part of me wants to pack my bags and be gone by the time she gets back.

Ruby31

JustAngry wrote: »

So my long term girl friend of about 10 years is away on holiday at the moment with her sisters.

This morning she rang me to ask me to send an email of a file to a work colleague

When I was attaching the file I noticed a spreadsheet file just called my name

I opened the file and I saw it was a recording of all of the things I have done over the last two years without her, for example I met a friend after work for coffee and that was the latest entry in the file. Its got day, dates, times and who i potential was with in some cases.

Over the past few years I've gone from being a fat bloke into a trim and sporty bloke and dare I say not exactly beaten with the ugly stick and I've got attention from girls when I have been out, but I've never done anything about it.

I'm p1$$ed off now by this, I really want to say to her who does she think she is recording what I do, i find it a massive betrayal of trust

Any advice on the best way to handle this, part of me wants to pack my bags and be gone by the time she gets back.

Do you have kids together? The reason I ask is because a lot of couples compete for free time away after they've had kids and maybe she feels she's stuck at home a lot while you're off having fun? She could be intending on having it out with you and wants to have dates, etc written down to help her argument.

If kids aren't in the picture, then it is odd that she'd take note of all your social activities and that coupled with your weight loss might suggest she is feeling insecure.

You definately need to talk to her, but don't go in all guns blazing. Just ask her about the file and let her explain herself.

Blue Iris

Keeping a log of someone else's movements is completely unacceptable and frankly off the wall. It's no wonder you are feeling so angry and betrayed. She clearly has issues of deep insecurity or a very high need to control others or she has been betrayed in the past and views you as someone who needs to be watched to ensure that you are not deceiving her/ making a fool of her. Regardless of what led her to do it, it's very worrying behaviour.

I would wait till she comes home and have a completely honest conversation with her about what you discovered and how it made you feel. Her reaction will determine what you then decide to do. Best of luck.

CaraMay

Sweet Jesus that's weird. Is she normally so controlling? That's very messed up tbh and would freak me out.

What could she possibly say to you that could make sense if this?i would be gone and I don't say that lightly

pookie82

JustAngry wrote: »

Its got day, dates, times and who i potential was with in some cases.

When you say she has a log of people you were "potentially" with ... is she filling in names of people you weren't with at all? Are they female?

Sounds to me like a (very bizarre) case of her building up "evidence" to confront you about something. To me it sounds like she thinks you're cheating, or at the very least not spending enough of your free time with her, or something.

That said, two YEARS is a long time to gather this kind of material and not confront you with whatever issue it's for ... it's bizarre and you need to ask her what's going on.

ManOfMystery

That really doesn't look good. She would need to have a very, very good excuse for tracking your movements like that (and to be honest, I can't even dream up one right now). If someone else did it, it would be bordering on stalkerish - her being your partner actually makes it worse IMO as it's obviously because she feels either a need to control you, or doesn't trust you at all but has keep this below the radar. Personally speaking I'd be out the door too.

Taltos

OP - no this isn't normal.
Also there can't be any reasonable excuse for this, none.

However, having gone to this length I see it going one of a few ways.
1. Oh poor me - you don't give me enough attention - look here's the proof, see you don't love me as much as I love you.. etc etc
2. It's all your fault anyway for not spending ALL your time making her feel special - see here's the proof etc etc

Me. Well it depends on how much you care for her and if you believe that she can move past this or if this is just a sign of more hidden strangeness.
I'd be tempted to print it with the addition of "Today - found the CIA tracking file, have escaped with Snowden - just glad I found it now before kids were involved". I know it's glib and easy to say but I am really struggling to come up with even one reason beyond "but I love her" to stay with someone who goes to those extra-ordinary lengths. And even then I'm not sure "love" is enough, to me this is the thin edge and once married how much screwier will it get?

Big Bag of Chips

My brother in law's wife keeps lists like this! I think it's bizarre. She kept a log of when he went out with his friends during her pregnancy, so that after she had the baby she could then get "paid back the nights she was owed".

Seriously!!

I don't know why your gf would be keeping tabs on you. Do you go out/drink a lot? Is she trying to build up a pattern of behaviour to maybe show you that you are on a slippery road to having a problem etc? We can all speculate as to what she needs a spreadsheet of your movements for but none of us know! The only one who knows is her. So ask her.

piperh

It is very odd behaviour and completely unacceptable, it appears she may have become insecure since your transformation.

Just remember though that you feel it's an invasion of privacy, she could say the same as you did open a file on her computer without her permission. The fact it had your name on it is irrelevant it could have been a list for a surprise birthday for all you know. You had no more right to open it than she did to monitor your movements.

This needs talking through, 10 years is a long time to be together and it'd be a shame to throw an otherwise good relationship away without at least attempting to resolve this. Good luck.

magicmushroom

Bizarre. Absolutely bizarre.

There is no excuse for this, even having kids as mentioned by another poster - it is not normal behaviour under any circumstances.

If I found this on a partners PC I don't know what I'd do...how is the relationship in general? You haven't mentioned if there are any issues, just that it's long term.

Have you given her any reason to feel insecure?
Even if you have, I still stand by that this is very odd behaviour and unacceptable.

LegacyUser

Thats seriously messed up and spooky. Is it only since you lost weight and became fit and sporty that she's been tracking your activities? Maybe her true colours are coming out, when you were unfit and overweight no girl would look at you, now that you've lost all the weight suddenly girls find you an attractive and she feels really insecure and threatened.

iusedtoknow

this is very odd behavior, but I suppose she is suspicious that you started losing weight and looking after yourself, which if you read some magazines is a "sure" sign that you are cheating (Rather than just wanting to take care of yourself and boost your confidence)

There isn't really a lot you can do, unless you want to confront her about it - while you're privacy and freedom has been compromised, so has hers at this point, and two wrong don't make a right.

The immature side of me would be looking at an exit strategy and possibly a way to mess with her list a bit, but the mature side of me would err on the side of talking to her about it. This is the thin edge (and not that thin...) of what could be bigger problems further down the road.

LegacyUser

OP here, just to answer a few questions

We dont have any kids and I dont drink or go out nearly as much as I used to

Generally things are ok, but she does want to be around me all the time. We do have issues insofar as we have different things that we like to do. I'm much more active these days running etc whereas she is on the couch watching those mind draining soaps.

Yes I probably shouldnt have opened the file but I was only using her computer because she asked me to. I wouldnt normally look at her phone or her laptop but seeing my name peaked my interest and that is why i opened it.

magicmushroom

piperh wrote: »

Just remember though that you feel it's an invasion of privacy, she could say the same as you did open a file on her computer without her permission. The fact it had your name on it is irrelevant it could have been a list for a surprise birthday for all you know. You had no more right to open it than she did to monitor your movements.

Ah come on - you're seriously telling me that if you opened someone's PC and saw a file with your own name on it sitting on their desktop, you wouldn't look?

He wasn't snooping, he wouldn't have been near the PC if she hadn't asked him to go on it - I can't blame him at all for opening that file, I know 100% that I would have done and I'm pretty confident most people would!

ManOfMystery

The mischevious part of me would probably be editing a few things on the list to see if she notices or brings it up. Last Tues night - at UFO convention. Thurs night - dinner with mistress.

farmchoice

Ruby31 wrote: »

Do you have kids together? The reason I ask is because a lot of couples compete for free time away after they've had kids and maybe she feels she's stuck at home a lot while you're off having fun? She could be intending on having it out with you and wants to have dates, etc written down to help her argument.

If kids aren't in the picture, then it is odd that she'd take note of all your social activities and that coupled with your weight loss might suggest she is feeling insecure.

You definately need to talk to her, but don't go in all guns blazing. Just ask her about the file and let her explain herself.

would it be this, i have threatened my missus a number of times that i'm going to start keeping such a spreadsheet!!!
basically she accuses me of of going out with my mates more then she goes out with hers. i say not so, but then i cant rememmber who went where and when as we have young kids and most of the time i can't remember my name. that combined with the fact its conversations like '' you went out twice last November and once in October and i only went out twice in september and once in January so we are even, ''BULL**** says she you went out twice in September once in October once in December and then you went out to watch the second half of that football match in January after little johhny gnawed through the power cord to the tv ( he was teething god love him).
if we had you woman's simple spreadsheet such misunderstandings could be avoided.

piperh

magicmushroom wrote: »

Ah come on - you're seriously telling me that if you opened someone's PC and saw a file with your own name on it sitting on their desktop, you wouldn't look?

He wasn't snooping, he wouldn't have been near the PC if she hadn't asked him to go on it - I can't blame him at all for opening that file, I know 100% that I would have done and I'm pretty confident most people would!

No I wouldn't open anything other than what was asked of me on ny partners pc. He actually has no internet access at the moment and to retrieve his emails I have his password as he can't use my phone so I open up his email box and then pass the phone to him to open the mail even though he says for me to. Its not my mail so why would I. However this isn't about what I would do but I stand by my statement she could also claim invasion of privacy.

It doesn't excuse what she has done but he needs to think she might claim the same.

Of course it was snooping, he saw something he didn't know what it was, was curious he had a look without her knowledge or consent.

kylith

farmchoice wrote: »

would it be this, i have threatened my missus a number of times that i'm going to start keeping such a spreadsheet!!!
basically she accuses me of of going out with my mates more then she goes out with hers. i say not so, but then i cant rememmber who went where and when as we have young kids and most of the time i can't remember my name. that combined with the fact its conversations like '' you went out twice last November and once in October and i only went out twice in september and once in January so we are even, ''BULL**** says she you went out twice in September once in October once in December and then you went out to watch the second half of that football match in January after little johhny gnawed through the power cord to the tv ( he was teething god love him).
if we had you woman's simple spreadsheet such misunderstandings could be avoided.

Honestly, that kind of relationship sounds like hell.

OP, the above is the only relatively benign (but still batsht) reason I can think that she'd be doing this; so she can say 'I'm allowed to do X because you went out four times in March and once in April', or 'You're not paying me enough attention because you went to the pub with your mates on August 3rd 3 years ago. The other option is that she suspects that you're cheating and is keeping this log so she can privately seethe over where you were and who you may have been with.

Either way it's not a relationship I'd want to stay in, if I were you. Either she thinks you're cheating and is keeping a log, or you're going to have to get a good watch so you don't spend over your allotted time away from her each week, or knowing that if you spend 2 hours with your mates on Wednesday then that means that she gets to spend 2 hours with her mates the next Tuesday and I can honestly seeing it devolve into her keeping a record of who put the bins out when so she can justify the fact that she didn't do the washing up. Every minute you spend away from her you'll have to pay back.

LegacyUser

JustAngry wrote: »

OP here, just to answer a few questions

We dont have any kids and I dont drink or go out nearly as much as I used to

Generally things are ok, but she does want to be around me all the time. We do have issues insofar as we have different things that we like to do. I'm much more active these days running etc whereas she is on the couch watching those mind draining soaps.

Yes I probably shouldnt have opened the file but I was only using her computer because she asked me to. I wouldnt normally look at her phone or her laptop but seeing my name peaked my interest and that is why i opened it.

What you were like before you lost the weight? Has anything changed in the dynamic of your relationship? Would you be watching those mind draining soaps with her? It seems very weird that she has become more clingy but wasn't before. Do you share any interests or hobbies together? Are you more outgoing than her?
Her behaviour sounds bizarre and she comes across as very insecure if she thinks every time you go out to meet a friend that you are up to no good.

HelgaWard

Just wanted to add that I find her logging your movements, really really weird. Beyond weird, and the fact she kept it secret from you for two years, shows that she also knows you would not consider it ok. If there was some, what she considered to be 'normal' reason, for logging your movements surely she would have mentioned it to you. If I were you, serious alarm bells would be ringing. Talk to her about it, you both deserve that much, but if you are unsatisfied with her answers/reasoning, trust your gut instinct and break up if necessary.

farmchoice

kylith wrote: »

Honestly, that kind of relationship sounds like hell.

OP, the above is the only relatively benign (but still batsht) reason I can think that she'd be doing this; so she can say 'I'm allowed to do X because you went out four times in March and once in April', or 'You're not paying me enough attention because you went to the pub with your mates on August 3rd 3 years ago. The other option is that she suspects that you're cheating and is keeping this log so she can privately seethe over where you were and who you may have been with.

Either way it's not a relationship I'd want to stay in, if I were you. Either she thinks you're cheating and is keeping a log, or you're going to have to get a good watch so you don't spend over your allotted time away from her each week, or knowing that if you spend 2 hours with your mates on Wednesday then that means that she gets to spend 2 hours with her mates the next Tuesday and I can honestly seeing it devolve into her keeping a record of who put the bins out when so she can justify the fact that she didn't do the washing up. Every minute you spend away from her you'll have to pay back.

in fairness only a fool wouldn't keep records of who puts out the bins does the washing up brings the kids to the doctor etc.otherwise you could end up doing more then 50% of house work.
like take that time the young lad gnawed through power cord. obviously he had to be brought to the doctor ( ended up in A& E actually poor little mite). now because i had brought him the previous time ( suspected menniginitis), and i had a record of it being me who brought i was able to head to the pub to watch the football.
i suppose it might be different for you but in my experience good record keeping is the corner stone to a successful marriage.

zeffabelli

JustAngry wrote: »

OP here, just to answer a few questions

We dont have any kids and I dont drink or go out nearly as much as I used to

Generally things are ok, but she does want to be around me all the time. We do have issues insofar as we have different things that we like to do. I'm much more active these days running etc whereas she is on the couch watching those mind draining soaps.

Yes I probably shouldnt have opened the file but I was only using her computer because she asked me to. I wouldnt normally look at her phone or her laptop but seeing my name peaked my interest and that is why i opened it.

Hi,

Insecure and controlling people genuinely have ZERO clue about how abusive and betraying their lack of trust is.

They think that their paranoia is entirely justified to throw accusations, track you, spy on you....

I have been on the end of what you are talking about, it's crazy making.

Is there any chance when you argue she remembers the emotional content and you remember the facts thereby dismissing what she is saying....she could be doing this so she can back herself in an argument. So much depends on who has the story right.

sullivlo

farmchoice wrote: »

in fairness only a fool wouldn't keep records of who puts out the bins does the washing up brings the kids to the doctor etc.otherwise you could end up doing more then 50% of house work.
like take that time the young lad gnawed through power cord. obviously he had to be brought to the doctor ( ended up in A& E actually poor little mite). now because i had brought him the previous time ( suspected menniginitis), and i had a record of it being me who brought i was able to head to the pub to watch the football.
i suppose it might be different for you but in my experience good record keeping is the corner stone to a successful marriage.

Wtf? Your son was electrocuted so you went to the pub???

newuser30

The most likely reason for this kind of thing is that she was thinking you were cheating on her, or at least not being truthful with her about things, and was building up evidence for when she was going to confront you so that if you were lying and tripped up in any way she'd know because obviously she's kept evidence! She has not gone through with it because maybe she realised you werent lying and/or knew how crazy it would look if she showed you her log. Bottom line it looks like she no longer trusts you for whatever reason, so you need to sit down and have a talk about what has been going on.

paulmclaughlin

farmchoice wrote: »

in my experience good record keeping is the corner stone to a successful marriage.

Your successful marriage sounds more like a competition. Marriage is supposed to be being part of a team. As long as things aren't majorly one-sided, you shouldn't mind who last took out the bins or who took the kids to the park last (or shamefully to A&E in your case).

strobe

It sounds like she's insecure and worried you are going to cheat on her. So she keeps this record so if you say "I'm going to a drink with Bob next Saturday night" she has a record of that so that if you happen to say "Oh don't forget me and Joe are going for a drink on Saturday" she will be able to check back and see that you've lied, and then she'll know you're really riding someone on the sly. Or so she can test you and say "Have a good time with Jimmy" and if you don't correct her that it's Bob you're meeting she will have tripped you up and will know you're banging her sister. Or so she can mention something to Bob and make sure he backs up what you said.

It's a tool she uses to test and probe for inconsistencies in relation to what you tell her about what you do when not with her. So that she can spot if you start cheating on her (and have a bad memory).

If you do decide this is someone you'd be able to forgive, the relationship continuing would have to be contingent on her admitting she has a problem and seeking professional help for her insecurity and trust issues. I don't think something this severe is something someone will just be able to stop when called on it. She may delete the spread sheet but she'll still be constantly watching and testing you.

farmchoice

paulmclaughlin wrote: »

Your successful marriage sounds more like a competition. Marriage is supposed to be being part of a team. As long as things aren't majorly one-sided, you shouldn't mind who last took out the bins or who took the kids to the park last (or shamefully to A&E in your case).

marriage is like being part of a team?? where did you pick that up, on a box of matches?
marriage is like a long drawn out guerrilla war, no side can win but neither can one side ever truly be defeated by the other. its a kind of perpetual blood drenched stalemate. the kids of course are the real victims. which is true of most wars i suppose.
the difference in a successful marriage is that the kids are also weapons and targets, often at the same time. its all very 4 dimensional maybe 5 on occasion, if you are not married with kids yourself and its safe to assume your not from that comedy post above you could never understand.

but sure at the end of the day i wouldn't have it any other way.

FactCheck

The weirdest thing about this is that it has been going on consistently and unbeknownst to you for two whole years.

I mean, I could see writing things down if she thought you were cheating. I could see writing them down if she thought you weren't spending enough time together. I don't think it's a very smart or healthy approach to those issues, but I can see why she might do it and I can see how it wouldn't necessarily be a catastrophic relationship-ending mistake.

But after a couple of months, surely whatever she was trying to keep track of would become fecking obvious? Either you were doing whatever she wasn't happy about, or you weren't. What point could she possibly be trying to prove that she needs two years of data to do it? The spreadsheet must be enormous.

Honestly while I agree it's really creepy and not on at all, most of all I just think it's deeply, deeply strange.

orthsquel

Op I'd be in agreement with Tabs101 about the weight loss and the timing and the insecurity of hers as a result.

What was the motivation for losing weight? Was it for yourself, your health, your relationship, all fairly reasonable reasons.... was she supportive of it? Has she had any interest in the sporty/fitness aspect? Maybe to her in her mind it was a very sudden change in a partner she had been with for some years and thought that maybe some external source was responsible for this sudden change in lifestyle rather than health reasons. It's possible that if she wasn't interested or enthusiastic herself in the same thing, in getting fit herself or sharing in it with you (as something you can do together) or it was something you wanted to pursue yourself independently of her, that it got her suspicious and started recording your movements.

It is possible that perhaps unknown to yourself your general behaviour, outlook, perceptions and expected behaviour patterns have altered from losing the weight and you might act differently or be more confident than the partner she knew for years. And this might have led to the suspicions.

It seems rather than talking to you about her own insecurities or suspicions she has bottled them up and this spreadsheet is her way of dealing with it.

The only other reason - other than what is already mentioned in various suggestions - I can think of why someone would log their partner's movements in such a way is that they themselves are elsewhere than where they are thought to be or doing something else that you don't know about which could be something innocent (like a class, hobby, walks) or something more (gambling, cheating) and are keeping a map of where you are relative to where they are or could be. Probably a less likely explanation but it occurred to me.

I think the best thing to do is that when she returns, you simply sit her down and let her know that when you carried out the task she asked you to do, that you found it and read it and ask her what it is about. Try not to be confrontational but be prepared to hear her out.

CaraMay

I find it hard to believe that people are justifying her actions on any level?!?!? So what if he lost weight? It doesn't mean he is up to something. If this was a guy tracking a girl, the answers would be very one dimensional - dump them.

Big Bag of Chips

farmchoice - you might think you're being funny, you're not! Personal Issues is a heavily moderated forum for the very fact that people come here to post their personal issues. Have a read of The Forum Charter before posting here again. Posts such as yours don't offer any advice to the OP and are at best considered off-topic at worst trolling.

LegacyUser

Op regardless of people here saying it's acceptable on any level, it isn't, at all.

It reminded me of my ex, who went from being cool enough to super clingy seemingly overnight. She would even want me to ring her during breaks in uni and my ten minute walk to and from work.

She kept notes on where I said I was and what I would be doing. She actually said to me she wrote stuff down to stop her head annoying her. She would basically question me trying to catch me out but it never happened because I wasn't doing anything wrong

Of course it eventually transpired she had been messin around with blokes at her uni and work behind my back.

You said your first instinct was to run, I wish I had of would've saved me an unreal amount of hell

MouseTail

CaraMay wrote: »

I find it hard to believe that people are justifying her actions on any level?!?!? So what if he lost weight? It doesn't mean he is up to something. If this was a guy tracking a girl, the answers would be very one dimensional - dump them.

I don't think anyone is justifying her actions, rather offering possible motivations for it. I agree that it is utterly bizarre, and I would feel very betrayed.

mailforkev

Completely bizarre behaviour. I'd be out the door fairly quickly if I stumbled upon that, life's far too short.

Is she massively insecure about loads of other stuff in her life?

Also, if you have a pet rabbit I'd be giving it to someone else for safe keeping.

pwurple

Is there any chance you might just ask her? communication and all?

We have a calendar that we mark planned nights out on, just so we know when we need a babysitter! It's not just social, could be work events, or sport, or whatever. Different colour for each of us. I did definetly get frustrated when I noticed that over two months he had been out of the house 28 evenings, and I had been away 0 times. I'm fairly busy anyway, sewing or work or whatever, but that's still a whole lot of being stuck in the house on your own, so we had a chat and changed things about. Open communication!

I have no idea what your girlfriend is doing. She might be a person who likes to record and chart everything (they do exist! My husband charts laundry ffs), or she might be a nutcase. But the first step surely is to ask her.

craic_dealer

Could be a long shot since i don't think I could remember anything specific from 2 years ago myself, but check the date of the first entry, and try to remember if there was any event that could have triggered her into starting this diary.

Or maybe some of her friends told her stories about cheating boyfriends and such and it got her all paranoid at the time, and now this diary has become a habit. Maybe another long shot but you should definitely talk to her about it.

Very strange behaviour, especially in such a long relationship. Hope it all works out best for you OP.

farmerjj

JustAngry wrote: »

So my long term girl friend of about 10 years is away on holiday at the moment with her sisters.

This morning she rang me to ask me to send an email of a file to a work colleague

When I was attaching the file I noticed a spreadsheet file just called my name

I opened the file and I saw it was a recording of all of the things I have done over the last two years without her, for example I met a friend after work for coffee and that was the latest entry in the file. Its got day, dates, times and who i potential was with in some cases.

Over the past few years I've gone from being a fat bloke into a trim and sporty bloke and dare I say not exactly beaten with the ugly stick and I've got attention from girls when I have been out, but I've never done anything about it.

I'm p1$$ed off now by this, I really want to say to her who does she think she is recording what I do, i find it a massive betrayal of trust

Any advice on the best way to handle this, part of me wants to pack my bags and be gone by the time she gets back.

One word "run" and if you want a second "fast" seriously creepy

ruskin

The only time and place her behavior would have been acceptable was if she was a member of the KGB in 1950s Soviet Russia.

DeltaWhite

If I was in your shoes I would be absolutely livid. Obviously first thing you have to do is ask her about it. I don't buy that whole "you looked where you shouldn't have/intruded on her privacy" crAp.... Put it this way, if you hadn't looked, imagine how many more years she would have done this for! What's the point of it? Was she ever going to print it out and confront you or something??

There's really nothing to be done but ask her wtf she is doing recording all this "evidence"!!! I can see why others are saying they keep logs of stuff, that's understandable, but the fact she did this behind your back makes it more sinister and worrying to me.

iusedtoknow

pwurple wrote: »

Is there any chance you might just ask her? communication and all?

We have a calendar that we mark planned nights out on, just so we know when we need a babysitter! It's not just social, could be work events, or sport, or whatever. Different colour for each of us. I did definetly get frustrated when I noticed that over two months he had been out of the house 28 evenings, and I had been away 0 times. I'm fairly busy anyway, sewing or work or whatever, but that's still a whole lot of being stuck in the house on your own, so we had a chat and changed things about. Open communication!

I have no idea what your girlfriend is doing. She might be a person who likes to record and chart everything (they do exist! My husband charts laundry ffs), or she might be a nutcase. But the first step surely is to ask her.

we're the same (no kids though..). We have a color coded calendar in the kitchen that simply marks if we're going to be out for the evening - one color each and a separate one if it's the two of us.
We can be like ships in the night sometimes as the wife works shifts and unscheduled OT - so if she comes home at 8pm and sees I'm not there...she doesn't have to wonder, she just sees the mark and binges on netflix.
Nothing wrong with keeping track (not necessarily score) of where each other are, it's polite - however when it's just one person doing it....it gets a bit odd.

CaraMay

iusedtoknow wrote: »

we're the same (no kids though..). We have a color coded calendar in the kitchen that simply marks if we're going to be out for the evening - one color each and a separate one if it's the two of us.
We can be like ships in the night sometimes as the wife works shifts and unscheduled OT - so if she comes home at 8pm and sees I'm not there...she doesn't have to wonder, she just sees the mark and binges on netflix.
Nothing wrong with keeping track (not necessarily score) of where each other are, it's polite - however when it's just one person doing it....it gets a bit odd.

It's weird because she's keeping track of where he has been and with whom and not where he / they are going.

manonboard

Op. I sometimes keep lists of events with people. Mostly to track things about myself such as aniexty etc.

Theres no control each over other people in my life.

I say this to you just to offer a view thst she could have some compulsive tendencies. She could just like lists. She could be tracking things thst upset her so she can work on the insecurities etc. In her past..maybe she used to stop partners mingling with her..so this could be like a 'success list!'. Like i used to keep one of eating sessions i conquered as i have trouble eating.

I'd suggest simply discuss and ask her about it. You will know very quickly why she is keeping it. Until then.. id not create tension or stress as it will compound your discomfort and reduces the communication between you both.

Hopefully its nothing serious. All the best op.

Eeden

I would be entirely, absolutely, completely creeped-out by this.

And I don't think that you violated her privacy - she asked you to go onto her computer, and there was a file with your name on it! Why would you not open that file? I think anyone would.

I think you should tell her that you saw it, and base your behaviour on how she reacts. I personally can't think of a rational explanation for this, though.

silverfeather

It's odd. I know couples who keep JOINT calenders...but just a book or diary of your movements is ...well it's strange.

myshirt

In my experience, nothing outrageously abnormal about this. Women are always saving up sh!t to get you on in some shape or form. You haven't done this, you haven't done that. It's kind of like a 'he doesn't even know that I know about that, but I'm gonna get him on that sh!t next week, and then this the week after' etc

She's just saving up stuff to get you on. I don't really pay attention to this type of female behaviour.

LegacyUser

Sorry, but id drop her straight away. I can't even begin to think of any situation where her behaviour is even remotely acceptable.

Tbh I'd be so so freaked that I'd plaster it on FB.her friends & family, directly or on Facebook.

The only possible and supposed excuse is that she's suffering hugely from depression, OCD, or some other undiagnosed mental healthcare issue. None of which oblige you to stay around to be spied on or second guessed.

dudara

@myshirt - let's stay away from generalisations.

dudara

miamee

Get rid wrote: »

Sorry, but id drop her straight away. I can't even begin to think of any situation where her behaviour is even remotely acceptable.

Tbh I'd be so so freaked that I'd plaster it on FB.her friends & family, directly or on Facebook.

The only possible and supposed excuse is that she's suffering hugely from depression, OCD, or some other undiagnosed mental healthcare issue. None of which oblige you to stay around to be spied on or second guessed.

OP you seem like a level headed chap but I'll say it anyway, the advice above in bold is a dreadful idea. The only person you should be talking to about this is your girlfriend and perhaps a close friend if you need someone to talk to. Definitely not the population of Facebook

It is an awfully intrusive thing for her to be doing but I'd give her the chance to explain herself. There is a slight chance that she already knows how nuts and insecure it is to keep track of your social outings but so long as no one knows about it, she'll carry on and pretend it's fine. Confronting her may bring the insecurities to a head if that is the case. It's just one of a few possibilities and it's still not right to be keeping tabs on you.

Stavro Mueller

I'd be absolutely furious too and am not sure whether I'd ever trust her again. You do think you need to talk to her about it and gauge her reaction. Go with your gut feelings here. Can you trust her? Can you forgive her?

mapaca

I would have read it too - a file with your name on it? Most people would open it I reckon.

We can speculate all we like here, but you know her best. Ask her about it and her reaction/explanation will tell you a lot. If all is well in the relationship besides and ye haven't had any arguments about lack of time spent together etc, it could be some kind of obsessive/compulsive issue she has maybe?

Stavro Mueller

He did say in the update that she wants to be around him all the time. That, combined with the spreadsheet, points to a problem that needs to be addressed. Has she always been this clingy or is it a new thing? The OP has been with her for 10 years so maybe he hasn't minded the clinginess up until now. A lot of people would find it stifling but everyone's different.