Is gf being unreasonable

LegacyUser

We have been together nearly eight years and have never celebrated our anniversary. Neither of us saw it as an occasion to mark. Last night I said to her guess what's coming up soon we are nearly 8 years together and she got all excited saying what am I getting her? Am I the only one who thinks this is unreasonable as we have never bothered to celebrate it before or make a big deal of it? I told her I wont be getting anything for her and equally I don't want anything and she sulked for a few mins but dropped it then. Any opinions?

dudara

Have you ever discussed celebrating your anniversaries before?

Maybe she got excited because this time there was a possibility of celebrating it? Perhaps she has wanted to do so for a while but never bought it up with you for some reason.

You need to have a chat with her and understand what she wants. 8 years together is worth celebrating

m'lady

Could it be the fact that you mentioned it she thought maybe you were going to do something special?

zeffabelli

Buy her a present if you want to make it to 9 years.

Un Croissant

m'lady wrote: »

Could it be the fact that you mentioned it she thought maybe you were going to do something special?

I'm guessing this is it.

MagicMarker

Op, you have an opportunity here to do something nice for your gf, surprise her on your anniversary. She would obviously like to celebrate it.

It's called romance, don't be a dick.

hondacbr9oorr

i would have to agree with last poster,bring her out for a meal anything buy her a present but do something with her 8 yrs is long time so take the advice best of luck

woodchuck

Based on her reaction she'd obviously like to do/get something to celebrate! Just be nice; take her to dinner, buy her a card and flowers/chocolates. Something! And don't do it to get something in return.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. It's weighing on my mind a bit today. I wouldnt be opposed to bringing her for dinner now but she said I've sucked all the good out of it now because I was saying how stupid anniversaries are. I said something like it was your birthday only recently didn't I get you something for that and she just looked at me and said forget it so. I just feel a bit like well we have never bothered before so why now? Im not a scab in the Relationship by any means I frequently treat her to dinner or help her out if she's financially stuck

Stavro Mueller

Based on her reaction I wonder is she hurt you never got her anything for previous anniversaries either?

DeltaWhite

Maybe this is the year to change that tradition? Coming from a woman I can tell you it was disappointment from her end - not sulking. She isn't being unreasonable! Why don't you both change the usual tradition this year and do something nice? Doesn't even have to be a big thing, just acknowledge the day! Go out for a meal or cook at home with a few celebratory drinks

ShaShaBear

Well if you think it isn't worth celebrating or exchanging gifts, why on EARTH would you make a big hooshananny about it coming up soon?

I know if I was with someone for 8 whole years and they never celebrated an anniversairy and all of a sudden they were like "hey, guess what day it nearly is...!" I would be expecting anything in the range of flowers to an engagement ring!

Seriously OP.

beyondbelief67

m'lady wrote: »

Could it be the fact that you mentioned it she thought maybe you were going to do something special?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought this !
If you had no intention of celebrating it why did you mention it to her in the first place ?
I'm guessing from her reaction that she is hoping for something really special, but that's just a guess. I don't suggest you let her down, but also make up to her for upsetting her too.

IlmoNT4

Come on OP, buy the lady a present and make a fuss... 8 years is a long time and lord knows its hard to keep a relationship going.

Have fun, celebrate your relationship, go out for dinner, go away or just make each other feel special.

padd b1975

Did she mention if she was planning to do something special for you?

Has she ever marked the occasion previously?

RedXIV

You've managed to Remember the date after 8 years but don't acknowledge it?

That just seems odd?

DeltaWhite

Myself and my OH don't buy each other gifts on our anniversary. But every year we book a hotel and go off somewhere to have a meal and few drinks. Every year! I don't care about the gifts but as long as I get to celebrate the day we start going out together I'm happy!

I would not be happy with your reaction tbh. Seems like it's a chore for you to celebrate it? So what if you've never celebrated before? change that and go out together!

Full Marx

tbf she has never gotten the OP anything either. I'd be the same as you OP, I know you're thinking (as I would be) now that she's sulking and said you've taken the good out of it that there's not much point splashing out as she wouldn't enjoy it... I'm afraid the minds of some women don't work like that, if you like the quiet life you kind of have to get her something now and apologise, just get her something nice and tell her that you're sorry and you didn't realize that the anniversary was important to her, but that its not specially important to you because you find every day with her as special as the next but in future we'll both make it a special day. That should sort it.

DeltaWhite

Full Marx wrote: »

tbf she has never gotten the OP anything either. I'd be the same as you OP, I know you're thinking (as I would be) now that she's sulking and said you've taken the good out of it that there's not much point splashing out as she wouldn't enjoy it... I'm afraid the minds of some women don't work like that, if you like the quiet life you kind of have to get her something now and apologise, just get her something nice and tell her that you're sorry and you didn't realize that the anniversary was important to her, but that its not specially important to you because you find every day with her as special as the next but in future we'll both make it a special day. That should sort it.

With all due respect, he is the one who brought it up not her. She got excited, then he shot her down. That's not sulking. That's disappointment. He doesn't even need to buy her a gift, a simple day or evening out just the two of them is enough.

bjork

It's just another reason to do something together and enjoy what ever it is as a couple. that is all.

I'm not sure why it creates more drama than any other reason to do something nice.

Maybe you don't like excuses to do nice things and just prefer to to them randomly at your own pace?

That's fine, but it's not as if your girlfriend is asking you to walk over hot coals. She just wants to spend some time doing something fun and your anniversary is as good as an excuse as any.

orthsquel

tbh you have sucked the joy out of it because you've made an issue out of it and she probably doesn't want you to force yourself to have a forced celebration for the sake of it now just to appease her disappointment.

As for if you haven't bothered before, then why now... then perhaps you do both need to sit down and discuss celebrating anniversaries or not; it's possible that if you were once on the same page about anniversaries, over time that may have altered from her point, or maybe she just went along with not celebrating to not make an issue out of it.

LegacyUser

After eights. A big box of them, and a ring. An engagement ring.
If I didn't get a ring after eight years ,I know I'd be on the road to splitsville.

Chucky the tree

You made a mistake by making a big deal in the first place. Just drop it now and forget about it now. I wouldn't do anything for the anniversary now as then you'll just be rewarding her subsequent poor behaviour. Orthsqual is right though. Sit her down and ask her if she wants to celebrate it or not in future.

rainbowtrout

Username5050 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. It's weighing on my mind a bit today. I wouldnt be opposed to bringing her for dinner now but she said I've sucked all the good out of it now because I was saying how stupid anniversaries are. I said something like it was your birthday only recently didn't I get you something for that and she just looked at me and said forget it so. I just feel a bit like well we have never bothered before so why now? Im not a scab in the Relationship by any means I frequently treat her to dinner or help her out if she's financially stuck

This is where you sound scabby, like she should be grateful that she got a present for her birthday, and why would she expect anything more from you?

This is all your own doing, you brought it up and with it an expectation that you were planning something/going to get her something. Then you pretty much told her she had her present quota for the year, and she wasn't going to get anything else. It's to be expected that she would be disappointed.

baby and crumble

Yeah, I can totally understand where both of ye are coming from but tbh this one is down to you. You have a chance here to be a very cool boyfriend if you take it. You also don't have to spend loads of money if you don't want to. If I were you I'd now organise to cook dinner for her on your anniversary, get in a bottle of wine, and have a romantic night at home, phones off, just the two of you.

Ethel

Username5050 wrote: »

Last night I said to her guess what's coming up soon we are nearly 8 years together and she got all excited saying what am I getting her? Am I the only one who thinks this is unreasonable as we have never bothered to celebrate it before or make a big deal of it? I told her I wont be getting anything for her and equally I don't want anything and she sulked for a few mins but dropped it then. Any opinions?

You brought it up for starters. She got all excited because you've set the bar real low previously. Is there a particular reason why you don't feel you should celebrate an anniversary with her? It doesn't have to be a gift exchange day, just a simple gesture to mark the day such as going out for dinner. Have a date night.

Your comment about the gift you got her for her birthday - you do come across as sounding mean. 8 years is a long time, and its a great thing. But you have to work at it to keep the spark in the relationship, and show each other you still love and value each other.

Stavro Mueller

I can't quite put my finger on it but you are coming across as a bit disingenuous or something.

I get the feeling you're not on the same page when it comes to anniversaries. She might be going along with your wishes so as to not rock the boat. Or she has changed her mind over the years. Especially if she's seeing her friends and colleagues celebrating theirs.

Also after 8 years have you got any plans for the future? Have you discussed marriage /kids/ buying a house for example? I'm just throwing those out there as things people often want after that length of time together.

The bottom line here is that you've unwittingly identified something that's upsetting your gf a bit. You have sucked the good out of it though so I think waiting for a little while before doing something would be the best approach.

Typer Monkey

God OP it all sounds unnecessarily joyless. What's the big deal about going for a nice meal, or having a special meal at home and a couple of drinks or something? You can enjoy a nice experience and celebrate 8 years together. You don't have to exchange gifts, a lovely afternoon/evening together is worth more anyway.

It sounds like you're scoring points by withholding joy..why??

TheBeardedLady

I just think, why NOT celebrate it, particularly if you make the person you love happy? We should find those moments of fun when we can in this life. Even decide to make a nice dinner together and have a bottle of wine or something at home. Just because you didn't celebrate it before doesn't mean you can't now. I can see your point of view but jaysus, it's all so petty to the point of posting on here about it. If you like each other's company, surely this is a good excuse as any to spend a bit of special time together? An 8 year anniversary in this day and age is nothing to be sniffed at.

kylith

TBH I don't know what you can do to fix it now. If you plan something she's going to feel like it's something you've felt forced to do because she was disappointed when you built her hopes up and then dashed them again. I know I wouldn't want to go out to dinner with someone who was only doing it on sufferance. And to be honest I'd probably be having a long think about what I was doing with someone who would do something like that in the first place. If it was your birthday a couple of weeks after Christmas and she'd brought it up, then said 'But birthdays are stupid anyway, and amn't I only after buying you a Christmas present?' how would you feel?

I think the best thing to do would be to sit down with her and honestly apologise, and say that you didn't realise how important it was to her, and that you love her, and that you would like to take her out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies again. Someone mentioned that she may be expecting a proposal, neither of us are that interested in marriage and that is something that we both had in common when we first got together. She actually hates most weddings and always says the same thing coming home "it was nice but it's just not for me". We decided if we ever do decide to get married it will be a week away somewhere nice and come back and announce to everyone. She hasn't mentioned anything about the anniversary since so I don't know if I should just not bother with anything or being her for dinner despite her saying I've sucked the good out of it. Someone asked why I thought she was the unreasonable one here, I guess I just was a bit shocked by her reaction. She is usually so laid back and chilled out that her response of "what are you getting me" was a shock. I am delighted to be with her eight years and love her very much, I never felt the need to show her this with materialistic stuff

ShaShaBear

Username5050 wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post. It is sufficient to reply without reposting the whole post

I mentioned that if it were me, your sudden interest in the approaching anniversairy could indicate anything in the range of flowers to an engagement ring - it was meant to give you an indication of the can of worms you opened yourself by letting her know you were aware the date was approaching. You've been together 8 years, have you discussed your future together recently? Are you sure she still wants the same things?

beyondbelief67

Username5050 wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post. It is sufficient to reply without reposting the whole post

You say that neither of you had any interest in celebrating anniversary either, yet her reaction has shown you that she may of changed how she feels about this now ? So maybe her feelings have changed about how she feels about marriage too ?

bjork

Username5050 wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post. It is sufficient to reply without reposting the whole post

Ye have no interest in marriage> Yet ye have decided what type of wedding you would have and exactly how you would announce it to everybody.


That's very detailed for something ye have no interest in.

Chucky the tree

bjork wrote: »

Ye have no interest in marriage> Yet ye have decided what type of wedding you would have and exactly how you would announce it to everybody.


That's very detailed for something ye have no interest in.

He said he's not that interested in marriage. Not that he had no interest.

meeeeh

bjork wrote: »

Ye have no interest in marriage> Yet ye have decided what type of wedding you would have and exactly how you would announce it to everybody.


That's very detailed for something ye have no interest in.

I have no interest in marriage but we always say that if we had to get married for the legal reasons we would like to avoid all the wedding stuff. So no need to be condescending.

I can empathize with op. If my partner would mention anniversary I would expect a joke about old age next. I certainly wouldn't expect a present or any fuss. So I think some wires got crossed somewhere. I also think that when arguments about non issues start that might be a sign that the other person is bothered by something or possibly unhappy or unsure about something.

davmol

You got her nothing the previous 8 years and she was fine with it.Dont get her anything this year as 9 years isnt a milestone so save your cash and head out with the lads at the weekend

Potatoeman

I think people are being very harsh on you. She hasnt been buying you gifts either. You mention financial support and bring her out, does she do the same?

Pippy1976

Username5050 wrote: »

dropped it then. Any opinions?

Opinions? She dropped it so perhaps you should too.

Minera

Op surprise her do something more than a meal out, she is probably rethinking the 2 of you at the moment! As a current 9 year veteran myself id be thinking ah well he obviously doesn't care enough to mark our time together, she may have said you've sucked the good out of it but that only means u gotta pull out the stops on this 1! Trust me we have never celebrated our anniversary until a year ago! Make the effort show hr u love her

TheBeardedLady

Username5050 wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post. It is sufficient to reply without reposting the whole post

Again, I can see your POV but if she's a relaxed, chilled-out person generally, I wouldn't assume she's suddenly gone all materialistic and is simply disappointed which came off as sulking. I'd say be honest, explain all this to her, tell her you love her and go out for a meal together somewhere special.

Sleepless and Manic

Username5050 wrote: »

I am delighted to be with her eight years and love her very much, I never felt the need to show her this with materialistic stuff

Try thinking of her for a change and stop being so self centered.

DO something nice for her without thinking about yourself.

:mad:

LegacyUser

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Try thinking of her for a change and stop being so self centered.

DO something nice for her without thinking about yourself.

:mad:

Umm, she didn't buy him gifts or celebrate any previous anniversaries either...

I'm with my partner 11 years. We have never celebrated a single anniversary either. On our 10th anniversary my boyfriend did pretty much the exact same thing as OP. "Imagine, next week we are 10 years together, 10 feckin years!!" I didn't take that as a cue that we were suddenly going to change what we had done every other year, moreso just saw it as a mention and acknowledgement that wow that's a pretty long time.

Doesn't bother me at all not to celebrate, if I wanted to do something I'd tell my oh. If his girlfriend wanted to suddenly change after 8 years and to start celebrating the anniversary then she should have discussed or made plans to do so a few weeks beforehand.

Like I can see that maybe she got a bit excited when he mentioned it and then felt disappointed, but not fair imo to go into a sulk over it or to try and make the OP feel bad for not being someone who romantically plans anniversary surprises when he has never done so in 8 years. He's not a mindreader and if she now wants more then she should have said so.

dudara

In the early years of my relationship, I never felt the need to celebrate. But now, after quite a few years together, I like to mark the milestones in some way. Nothing major, but enough for both of us to appreciate where we are.

What I'm trying to say is that attitudes can change over time - and it's always worth having "checkpoints" with each other every so often to see if you still have the same expectations.

strobe

Username5050 wrote: »

<Snip> No need to quote entire post. It is sufficient to reply without reposting the whole post

Well just because you "sucked the good out of it" doesn't mean you can't pump the good back into it.

I'd definitely still go ahead and surprise her with something nice for it, whether that'd a present, surprise dinner out, or set up a romantic night at home together with candles and cooking a dinner or whatever, you know her best so know what she'd prefer. Arrange it for the day (or the nearest Saturday night) before your anniversary to really make it a surprise (although mention at the reveal that you realise the actual anniversary isn't for a few days so she doesn't think you've got the date wrong).

She was probably half joking about the "ooh what are you getting me so?" thing if neither of you have done anything the previous 8 years. But it was your "hold your horses there I bought you something for your birthday!" reaction was what actually upset her a bit, rather than the fact you hadn't intended on getting her something.

Yeah go ahead and do something really nice for her for it. Think of the look on her face when you surprise her and whisk her off to her favourite resturaunt and then after dessert hand her that gift wrapped authentic 15th century German iron cranequin (I'm presuming she's really into medieval weaponry?).
That sh1ts priceless.

LadyAthame

I think you are being unreasonable and not just for missing this one bit all the others too.

strobe

LadyAthame wrote: »

I think you are being unreasonable and not just for missing this one bit all the others too.

Well that's unfair. She 'missed all the others' too.

Chucky the tree

I think a lot of people are pushing their own opinions about anniversaries and how they should/should not be celebrated. The OP and his girlfriend came to a mutual agreement not to celebrate them.

bjork

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I think a lot of people are pushing their own opinions about anniversaries and how they should/should not be celebrated. The OP and his girlfriend came to a mutual agreement not to celebrate them.

If fairness, it's doesn't sound like the gf is too happy about this mutual agreement

Big Bag of Chips

Username5050 wrote: »

neither of us are that interested in marriage and that is something that we both had in common when we first got together. She actually hates most weddings and always says the same thing coming home "it was nice but it's just not for me". We decided if we ever do decide to get married it will be a week away somewhere nice and come back and announce to everyone.

Hating weddings and not being interested in marriage are two very different things! The fact that you have discussed getting married and the type of wedding you'd have makes me think it's the Big Irish Wedding rather than marriage that she's not interested in.

When I started going out with my husband neither of us had much interest in having children... that was something that we both had in common when we first got together. 15 years later we have 4.

Things we are interested in change over the course of a relationship. Might be time to have a talk about whether or not you both still think the same way you did 8 years ago.

Chucky the tree

bjork wrote: »

If fairness, it's doesn't sound like the gf is too happy about this mutual agreement

Then she should put on her big girl pants and say it to him. At the minute she's behaving like a bit of a child about the whole thing.