Dreaded weekend visit to the inlaws - survival techniques

boobar

Heading to visit the inlaws for the weekend.

As individuals they're all grand, but when they get together, they start reeling in the years, talking pure crap about things and people from decades ago, that I know nothing about.

Plus, there's no broadband, only 4 channels, nothing for miles, local pub is not local and full of headcases.

Any suggestions on how to survive?

Little CuChulainn

Fake a vomiting bug so you don't have to go.

Fr_Dougal

You could use the old tried and tested technique of burning their house down. Won't get invited back in a hurry after that one.

Menas

Take some hallucinogenic drugs. It will be like you are at Alice in Wonderlands tea party. Great craic.

SEPT 23 1989

Make a big scene and you will never be invited again

Kettlebelljim

Get flaming drunk and start a singsong.

Wacker The Attacker

Have filthy sex with your other half for the entire weekend.


Three days of twanging bedsprings should ensure you are never invited back. Make sure you wheel out all the big guns.

CardBordWindow

Eat some raw chicken, as soon as you can.

Time is a factor.

galljga1

Wacker The Attacker wrote: »

Have filthy sex with your other half for the entire weekend.


Three days of twanging bedsprings should ensure you are never invited back. Make sure you wheel out all the big guns.

Have a rattle at your mother in law. Suggest a threesome.

Little CuChulainn

Little CuChulainn wrote: »

Fake a vomiting bug so you don't have to go.

If you're really committed, drink a carton of salt-water. You will promptly vomit your guts up, so nobody will even suspect you're faking it. Success.

FixdePitchmark

If all the locals are mad and they only had 4 channels growing up.

How are things going with your wife ?

Now - if I got that wrong and they only had channel 4 - you are one very happy man.

jcrowbar

A bitter divorce should sort your problem.

PARlance

Kids are great. Either the in laws f off with them and leave you alone or you f off with the kids and leave the in laws.

2 more days. Only 2 more days.

kneemos

Must have TG4 and UTV surely?

Wacker The Attacker

galljga1 wrote: »

Have a rattle at your mother in law. Suggest a threesome.

If it actually happens, this person should get married immediately

Tugboats

boobar wrote: »

Heading to visit the inlaws for the weekend.

As individuals they're all grand, but when they get together, they start reeling in the years, talking pure crap about things and people from decades ago, that I know nothing about.

Plus, there's no broadband, only 4 channels, nothing for miles, local pub is not local and full of headcases.

Any suggestions on how to survive?

Find your testicles and dont go

Nodin

Little CuChulainn wrote: »

Fake a vomiting bug so you don't have to go.

No, gastric flu, that'd scare the fuck out of anyone.

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

Wacker The Attacker wrote: »

Have filthy sex with your other half for the entire weekend.


Three days of twanging bedsprings should ensure you are never invited back. Make sure you wheel out all the big guns.

Or, kick it up another notch and have filthy sex with the other halves brother. :cool:

Wacker The Attacker

Get screaming drunk and sh1t the bed. That's very effective.

Ruu

Burn down the house.

Wacker The Attacker

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: »

Or, kick it up another notch and have filthy sex with the other halves brother. :cool:

Or has been suggested already. Have a threesome with the brother. Nothing like some hot fourballs action.

Miaireland

If they have good phone signal get yourself one of those prepaid internet doggle thing. Other fiend a migrane and bring a portable dvd player and dvds and retire upstairs.

Mesrine65

Man up, stand your ground & say fúck this, I don't enjoy myself, it's my easter weekend, I'm not going & that's that!

Cue massive row with OH, she fúcks off with kids to in-laws with a snot on her & refusing to talk to you the whole weekend :eek:

Result...you have the whole weekend to yourself to sit around on the couch watching man-stuff, scratching your nads & generally engaging in 'manimal' pursuits :cool:

Son Of A Vidic

boobar wrote: »

Any suggestions on how to survive?

As soon as you arrive and they are waiting to greet you. Hop out of the car, drop the jocks and take a dump in their driveway, whilst simultaneously letting out an enthusiastic "Ah, I needed that."

kneemos

DRINK!

harry Bailey esq

Trigger Happy wrote: »

Take some hallucinogenic drugs. It will be like you are at Alice in Wonderlands tea party. Great craic.

Or better still but in the same vein,get the inlaws to (unwittingly) to take some hallucinogenic drugs,sit back and watch the good times roll.

Little CuChulainn

Nodin wrote: »

No, gastric flu, that'd scare the fuck out of anyone.

Harder to fake though.

Nodin

Little CuChulainn wrote: »

Harder to fake though.

True, the smell alone would be hard to pull off without downing a keg of mouldy stout.

Thread needs a poll - what general method is better (a) random shitting (b) acting the header (c) sleaziness (d) fire and so on.

the purple tin

I love visiting my mother in law, it really cheers me up. I sometimes bring her flowers too. The only thing is it's a bit of a drive to the graveyard.

Santa Cruz

boobar wrote: »

Heading to visit the inlaws for the weekend.

As individuals they're all grand, but when they get together, they start reeling in the years, talking pure crap about things and people from decades ago, that I know nothing about.

Plus, there's no broadband, only 4 channels, nothing for miles, local pub is not local and full of headcases.

Any suggestions on how to survive?

Ask the mother in law how the old MILF website is going since you sorted out the "tasteful" photo for her

syklops

God Im so lucky my inlaws dont speak English.

Honestly, OP, the only way is to figure out how to enjoy the time with them. They are a constant until they stop being a constant. I like fishing, her old man likes fishing, so some of our time together is spent fishing. That suits me.

irelandrover

syklops wrote: »

God Im so lucky my inlaws dont speak English.

Honestly, OP, the only way is to figure out how to enjoy the time with them. They are a constant until they stop being a constant. I like fishing, her old man likes fishing, so some of our time together is spent fishing. That suits me.

Mine don't either, well at least very bad english.

I also went the route of trying to find a common ground. I will watch rugby, he will watch rugby, we have spent 6 years talking about a subject neither of us particularly like until it is an acceptable time to start drinking.

Specialun

Take the spare wheel out of the car..take a very sharp pin...as your pulling into apetrol station go "oh look at the pothole" ..while filling petrol drop your phone..while down there slash tyre

Drive out the road few miles.." Oh noooo i got a puncture"...boom

syklops

irelandrover wrote: »

Mine don't either, well at least very bad english.

I also went the route of trying to find a common ground. I will watch rugby, he will watch rugby, we have spent 6 years talking about a subject neither of us particularly like until it is an acceptable time to start drinking.

Christmas eve in Poland is basically Christmas day, and generally there is no drinking. First time I was in Poland for Christmas, we abstained from booze, until 15 minutes to midnight when himself announced, "I think we've waited enough-ski", and started pouring out glasses of beer.

Capt'n Midnight

Challenge them to a duel, several rounds of full contact origami and they will respect you.

Vomit

Pop a few Quaaludes. Make sure they're expired.

heldel00

Suck it up for jaysus sake. Unless you are forced to go every weekend, an odd weekend won't kill you.

kowloon

Hide behind the sofa and stick a plastic bag over the head of whoever sits down. You can only do it once though, so you'll have to be quick on your feet if you want to take out the other one before they raise the alarm.

Desolation Of Smug

Go, but roundly and outright rudely ignore them while doing somthing you enjoy(book, phone, car repairs..) They then lose interest in inviting you. This is a longer term solution, one that worked for me. Haven't seen them in years. Happily. It helps if not two fecks do you give what they actually think of you. I like your daughter. Ye, not so much.

Smidge

Sock puppets, OP.
Thats what you need. Sock puppets.

Cienciano

Argue with them over everything and then your wife will never ask you to go again

buried

Go to the local and pretend you enjoy it. Pretend you enjoy it so much you actually end up really enjoying it. Make friends with the local headcases that frequent it. Get totally trashed and stay for a lock in. Go back to the in-laws house the next morning at 8 and demand a fry and then go back up the local. Try to bring other in-law family members to the local. Stay there for the day and keep drinking. Follow this logic and You'll never be brought back there again.

Capt'n Midnight

Tell then you're a vegan and have started cross fit.

cloud493

Well la di da mr I have a wife who isn't a blow up doll.

Mint Aero

God speed OP. You beautiful beautiful man.

The Th!ng

Bring a bag of black rats with you, when nobody is looking let them loose, and don't forget to put a dead rat under the mother-in-law's pillow too.

chrissb8

https://youtu.be/XhTuYKR-ejo

Hit them with this line.

syklops

buried wrote: »

Go to the local and pretend you enjoy it. Pretend you enjoy it so much you actually end up really enjoying it. Make friends with the local headcases that frequent it. Get totally trashed and stay for a lock in. Go back to the in-laws house the next morning at 8 and demand a fry and then go back up the local. Try to bring other in-law family members to the local. Stay there for the day and keep drinking. Follow this logic and You'll never be brought back there again.

Im not allowed go to the pub when we visit the inlaws. Polish pubs are "rough", they say. They regularly forget my OH isnt 14 any more.

Cee-Jay-Cee

Join in with all converstations even on their family matters which you have no knowledge of. Make up stuff about them when they were growing up and laugh about it. Butt in and correct them even though you haven't a clue what they're talking about and if they ask you why you are behaving that way tell them that is exactly how they all sound to you when they start talking about stuff which completely alienates you and ask them how they like it. They'll appreciate your honesty and think twice before starting such mundane conversations in your company in future.

experiMental

Bring a sneaky naggin of whiskey or Jager and a few cans. That will do.

Robsweezie

Fist yourself silly on the dinner table, anus fully visible and widened in the style of goatse. If they say anything just ask for more lube.