Moving in together

cactusgal

Hi everyone,

This is a happy thread! My boyfriend and I (both mid 30s) have decided to move in together after my current lease is up in a few months. We'll have been together for two years at that point. Needless to say, I'm delighted. He is absolutely the best in every way, one of the nicest, funniest, and loveliest people I've ever met, and I love him to bits.

I've lived with a few other boyfriends, and one thing I found was that the relationship just got so dull and stale with constantly being in each other's company, and both people just kind of stop making an effort.

My boyfriend now is nothing like any of my exes and our relationship is much, much better than any I've had in the past, so I do believe this experience will be much better. However, I just wanted to ask for people's advice on living together.

What are some tips for making the transition go smoothly, and for still keeping the relationship fresh (for lack of a better word!)

What are some things to avoid??

Thanks in advance for your insight!

baldbear

When the toliet roll is empty on the holder replace it. I'm serious. It drove me mad.

Osborne

Don't leave your hair grips (if you use them) everywhere.

Everything else will take care of itself. Good luck!

cactusgal

Osborne wrote: »

Don't leave your hair grips (if you use them) everywhere.

Everything else will take care of itself. Good luck!

Crap, I already do that now! Noted

bee06

Be honest about the small things that kinda annoy each other when you start living together rather than being polite and trying to ignore it and then bringing it up a year later when you can't put up with it anymore.

stampydmonkey

Dont drop ur sh1t everywhere (unless ye both do), pull your shed hair out of the shower and dont do everything together all the time...take a night here and there to do your own thing. ..otherwise best of luck with it..great times!

porsche boy

Just because you live together dosent mean your glued to each other. Maintain contact with your friends, go out without him, keep your interests and hobbies even if he dosent like them. Share your lives but don't become one person, it will kill what makes the relationship good.
Also don't tell him he's doing things wrong like loading the dishwasher or how he washes his clothes, everybody does things differently but it dosent make it wrong.

strobe

If you normally sleep together 3 times a week, and normally have sex four times a week, then sleeping together 7 times a week should probably mean having sex together 9.1 times a week. The maths kind of takes the romance out of the whole thing. It's not a hard and fast rule. But just in general, if you're getting undressed and climbing into the same bed more frequently, be sure to make sure the sex increases proportionally, otherwise one or other of you are probably going to be a little frustrated.

emmagination

I'm probably just repeating some of the good advice already given here. Communication is definitely important - if something is bugging you, it's best to just discuss it rationally straight away rather than letting it fester until it becomes a bigger deal than it actually is.

Also as silly as it might sound, after we moved in together we tried to do a "date night" about once a month, even if it was just to the cinema.

cactusgal

emmagination wrote: »

Also as silly as it might sound, after we moved in together we tried to do a "date night" about once a month, even if it was just to the cinema.

Doesn't sound silly to me! The last time I lived with someone, I hated the fact that our main time together was sat eating dinner in front of the TV every night. Obviously, you're going to do that sometimes, but I definitely don't want to fall into that kind of a rut again.

whats_my_name

If the other person is in bad form and needs to switch off dont take it personally! Also try not to take the PMS out on him either, easier said than done!!!!

TheBeardedLady

My biggest piece of advice after 2 and a half years living together with this fella (and 4 years together this Tuesday!) is have the craic. Be silly. Make an effort to make each other laugh and make the effort to be affectionate.

I'm a bit of a clown and love to do stupid things to make my boyfriend laugh and this morning he had me in stitches doing this really nerdy robot dance that nobody would find funny but us.

If you feel a surge of love, get up and give the man a kiss and a hug and tell him you love him. It's those little things that keep monotony at bay.


Go out every week or so for a few glasses of wine and a chat or a walk to get out of the house and DO YOUR OWN THING separately from each other - encourage him to head out with his mates without out you if he's making excuses not to and being lazy and do the same if you find yourself going the same way.


I think the one thing that really helped us was not having a TV; not because we're a big pair of hipsters, just because we didn't want to fork out for one so we stick on a good station on the radio that plays good music or play our music for each other which is a much better background more conducive to chatting and having a laugh. Maybe you're not willing to sacrifice having a telly but turn it off now and then, especially at the weekend.

m'lady

Would definitely agree with you Bearded lady in regards to the tv.. While we have a tv, and watch the odd thing on it we don't revolve our time together with the tv. Another thing we make an effort with is NOT having our phones/ tablets/ laptop hanging out of us constantly, obviously there are times we have to (work/families etc) but we don't aimlessly look into our phones all the time when we are chatting. I think it's about respect and having a bit of 'me' time too, for example- tonight while he was watching the last bit of the match I went and had a bath and pottered about. Just relax and enjoy!

After 22 years living together, my one piece of advise: Never, ever ask him what he is thinking.

Dial Hard

cactusgal wrote: »

Doesn't sound silly to me! The last time I lived with someone, I hated the fact that our main time together was sat eating dinner in front of the TV every night.

So don't eat dinner in front of the tv.

Seriously, make a point of setting the table and eating at it every evening, with no phones or books or magazines or whatnot to distract you from the food and eachother. It's a really small thing, but it makes a *huge* difference.

Also, no tv in the bedroom, and whenever possible, go to bed at the same time as eachother.

Shelga

If you have a double bed, get a kingsize duvet.

m'lady

I agree with Dial hard, going to bed at the same time where possible is a biggie. Some of the best conversations I've had with my partner have been in bed- your relaxed and not likely to get distracted.

NeonCookies

Unless you are both tidy people, don't assume housework will fall into a happy routine! I'm neat, my boyfriend's not (at all!) so we have a set division of housework. For us, that means he does obvious things like washing dishes, or taking bins out. And I do things like general tidying, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom/windows. Basically, I do the stuff that he doesn't notice! We share stuff we both hate like hanging out the washing! It works well for us :-)

I know it's not the most romantic way to keep a relationship fresh, but knowing what's expected from each of us saves so many arguments and leaves more time for fun with neither of us (aka me!) feeling like we're doing more than our fair share. It make us feel like a team.

LegacyUser

Be considerate. There is nothing worse than getting home from work feeling tired and having to face into housework cos nails and tan need to be done and there is no time for washing up or hoovering. Romance disappears fast when you lose respect for the person that you live with cos they live like a pig and never consider anyone else.

dudara

King size duvet on a double bed is a great tip. This what we have and there's rarely a shortage of duvet.

Otherwise, remember that you love this person and that, hopefully, this is the first step in the rest of your lives together. Treat them with respect, take time to talk/laugh and make sure that there is some allocation of housework that works for both of you.

MrWalsh

Agree the finances in advance. Be open with each other about what you earn, what you owe, what you spend, how you spend it. Do a budget to cover rent, bills and household each month. Decide up front if the person who earns more contributes more and by what percentage.

cactusgal

Thanks so much for the great advice, everyone, really appreciate you taking the time to reply. Will definitely take it all on board.
Thanks again!!

Neyite

"Never demand as a right, something you can ask as a favour."

This one has stood me in good stead. There is nothing more irritating than someone assuming that something is *your* job, and getting narky or thick when *your* job isn't done. To give an example, my partner usually brings out the bins. For over a decade, he's done that. But I never assume its his responsibility, so when the bin is full, and I'm there, I'll empty it. Usually he'll jump up and take it from me as a courtesy. But I'd never assume that because *he* does the bins, its his job, nor would I get annoyed when the bin is overflowing. We apply this to all household related matters, then when we began our family, applied it to childcare too. Assuming that the other is responsible for X while you are responsible for Y is unfair unless you have discussed it and agreed on it. Sulking or being passive aggressive while expecting the other to know you are in a bad mood and why also comes under this.

Assumptions are a relationship killer. If he is quiet, it could be easy to assume that it's because he is having a massive rethink about your relationship, and work yourself up in knots in your head, you might find that he is just thinking about a situation at work, or a problem a mate confided in him, or maybe he's just got a headache. Assuming he will do the dinner because you are studying when it might not have even occurred to him could cause tension. So always ask, rather than assume.

Money is what most couples disagree about, so sit down and both of you discuss what you think is a fair way to contribute, and why. There is no right and wrong way - the right way is the one that both of you think is fair and are happy to abide by. That might mean pooling the lot, or equal contributions, or a % scale contribution.

The next biggest is usually the progression of a relationship according to a perceived time line. So you need to be aware from the outset what the other person wants in life -is marriage /kids /mortgage on their agenda for the future or not? if so, are they on yours? Does he have /do you have a rough time-frame in mind for those? Or things like wanting to work abroad or further study? You don't have to have it set in stone, but simply knowing that the person you are moving in with wants a similar future to the one you want could save a lot of heartache down the line.

Lastly, if you can, agree your disagreement ground rules. Some people need to walk away when they are pissed off, have a think about it and come back with a calmer head to resolve it. Others like to tackle it there and then. So by understanding how the other person processes disagreements you can have a better footing on which to resolve things.

For us, arguments are not about about point-scoring, or who is right. Its about meeting halfway if we can with a solution. Or, if for some reason we cant, that you've told the other person calmly why you feel you cant meet them halfway. In our relationship arguments, previous transgressions or arguments are inadmissible, name-calling is not tolerated, and shouting is an instant signal for us to park the discussion, go get a drink of water, have a fag outside, and come back with a calmer head to continue the discussion. It's not a perfect system, and might not suit everyone else, but in 11 years, I can recall about 5 disagreements, which isn't a bad record. The both of us are pretty laid back and have similar housekeeping standards so that probably accounts for a lot.

We are respectful of each other - never slagging off the other person to people outside the relationship, or making jokes at their expense amongst mutual friends or family. I hate when I see couples snipe at each other in a group of friends, I think it is very passive-aggressive and childish and colours my impression of them.

There will be things that drive you mad about the other. I found that humour diffuses a lot of that for us. Like becks101, there is a lot of silliness and laughing in our home, lots of random affection constantly, playfulness, and its easy to forget to enjoy each other's company. Doing nice things for each other is always a good thing to do. Above all, its about enjoying the journey together.

An Bhanríon

Always greet each other properly when you wake up / leave home in the morning, and when you get home in the evening. A little kiss is fine, but don't just say 'hello'. You are not just housemates!

If one person gets home before the other, always give the other person a bit of time to settle in / put their coat away / get food, etc., before you start talking about stuff that needs to be done, e.g. we really need to clean the windows, would you mind putting your smelly socks in the laundry basket, my parents have invited us over for dinner on Sunday. Just because you have been home for an hour and are ready to have these conversations doesn't mean your partner is ready!

Work as a team when it comes to housework. Don't always be making sure that each does 50% of the work. If one person is having a busy week the other can do more - as long as both make an effort this works well!

These tips come from experience of doing things the wrong way, by the way!! I used to worry myself and my now husband were just not meant to live together. But it was just we had been doing our own thing for so many years and had to change a bit so our ways of running a house could blend together. We are not quite 'blended' yet but we have the rest of our lives to get there!

skallywag

I know that this is depending on you having enough space to start with, but having a distinct area where you can do your thing and him his is a massive advantage, if it's feasible of course.

redfacedbear

Congrats cactusgal!

You've had some excellent advice - the only thing I didn't notice being mentioned is if you are moving into his place or finding a new place together. In a new place you can put your own stamp on it from the start but it mightn't be as straightforward if you are landing into his.

Again communication and consideration are the key - just don't assume that it'll be okay to remove his XBox games from the shelf and put a nice plant in their place (dreadfully sexist assumptions in this sentence, I know :P) - maybe that sort of thing should be part of your discussions on finances, expectations, housework etc.

Good Luck.

cactusgal

Thanks! Yes, I'll be moving into his place and he's never lived with a girlfriend before, so I want to be able to feel at home but respect his space at the same time ..

cazzer22

cactusgal wrote: »

Hi everyone,

This is a happy thread! My boyfriend and I (both mid 30s) have decided to move in together after my current lease is up in a few months. We'll have been together for two years at that point. Needless to say, I'm delighted. He is absolutely the best in every way, one of the nicest, funniest, and loveliest people I've ever met, and I love him to bits.

I've lived with a few other boyfriends, and one thing I found was that the relationship just got so dull and stale with constantly being in each other's company, and both people just kind of stop making an effort.

My boyfriend now is nothing like any of my exes and our relationship is much, much better than any I've had in the past, so I do believe this experience will be much better. However, I just wanted to ask for people's advice on living together.

What are some tips for making the transition go smoothly, and for still keeping the relationship fresh (for lack of a better word!)

What are some things to avoid??

Thanks in advance for your insight!

Hey, I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago and it's all going really well. He works nights mostly so we're not always in each other's space, but even if we were, it wouldn't matter. I would say keep things clean and wash up together or clean together and make sure to do equal work around the house, too. Cooking each other breakfast/dinner as a surprise is a nice thing as well. Also don't forget about date nights (dinner, cinema) or quality things like going for a walk together. I also make sure I get to see my friends a lot too he does also. Don't get too comfortable, make the effort! It'll be a great experience and you'll really enjoy it :-)

El_Duderino 09

whats_my_name wrote: »

If the other person is in bad form and needs to switch off dont take it personally! easier said than done!!!!

This a million times!

Sometimes I notice that I'm getting annoyed by her slurping her tea or something like that. I tell my OH that I'm in a pisser of a mood, it's not her fault but I'm tired and I feel like a row and she usually laughs at me and knows to take my grumpiness as a passing phase. Usually passes in half an hour or so.

If you cut each other slack when you need it, things go smoother in the long run.

howamidifferent

My biggest bugbear with any women I've lived with has been how they tend to step out of their knickers first thing in the morning leaving it on the floor looking up at you all day. Drove me mad!! :mad: Into the washing basket with your dirty clothes when they come off.

Tarzana2

Dial Hard wrote: »

and whenever possible, go to bed at the same time as eachother.

I'd hate to have to go to bed as early as my boyfriend likes to. Why is that important? I'd actually get a bit resentful if he wanted to go to bed at the same time as him, way too early for me!