Moving in together

cactusgal

Hi everyone,

This is a happy thread! My boyfriend and I (both mid 30s) have decided to move in together after my current lease is up in a few months. We'll have been together for two years at that point. Needless to say, I'm delighted. He is absolutely the best in every way, one of the nicest, funniest, and loveliest people I've ever met, and I love him to bits.

I've lived with a few other boyfriends, and one thing I found was that the relationship just got so dull and stale with constantly being in each other's company, and both people just kind of stop making an effort.

My boyfriend now is nothing like any of my exes and our relationship is much, much better than any I've had in the past, so I do believe this experience will be much better. However, I just wanted to ask for people's advice on living together.

What are some tips for making the transition go smoothly, and for still keeping the relationship fresh (for lack of a better word!)

What are some things to avoid??

Thanks in advance for your insight!

baldbear

When the toliet roll is empty on the holder replace it. I'm serious. It drove me mad.

Osborne

Don't leave your hair grips (if you use them) everywhere.

Everything else will take care of itself. Good luck!

cactusgal

Osborne wrote: »

Don't leave your hair grips (if you use them) everywhere.

Everything else will take care of itself. Good luck!

Crap, I already do that now! Noted

bee06

Be honest about the small things that kinda annoy each other when you start living together rather than being polite and trying to ignore it and then bringing it up a year later when you can't put up with it anymore.

stampydmonkey

Dont drop ur sh1t everywhere (unless ye both do), pull your shed hair out of the shower and dont do everything together all the time...take a night here and there to do your own thing. ..otherwise best of luck with it..great times!

porsche boy

Just because you live together dosent mean your glued to each other. Maintain contact with your friends, go out without him, keep your interests and hobbies even if he dosent like them. Share your lives but don't become one person, it will kill what makes the relationship good.
Also don't tell him he's doing things wrong like loading the dishwasher or how he washes his clothes, everybody does things differently but it dosent make it wrong.

strobe

If you normally sleep together 3 times a week, and normally have sex four times a week, then sleeping together 7 times a week should probably mean having sex together 9.1 times a week. The maths kind of takes the romance out of the whole thing. It's not a hard and fast rule. But just in general, if you're getting undressed and climbing into the same bed more frequently, be sure to make sure the sex increases proportionally, otherwise one or other of you are probably going to be a little frustrated.

emmagination

I'm probably just repeating some of the good advice already given here. Communication is definitely important - if something is bugging you, it's best to just discuss it rationally straight away rather than letting it fester until it becomes a bigger deal than it actually is.

Also as silly as it might sound, after we moved in together we tried to do a "date night" about once a month, even if it was just to the cinema.

cactusgal

emmagination wrote: »

Also as silly as it might sound, after we moved in together we tried to do a "date night" about once a month, even if it was just to the cinema.

Doesn't sound silly to me! The last time I lived with someone, I hated the fact that our main time together was sat eating dinner in front of the TV every night. Obviously, you're going to do that sometimes, but I definitely don't want to fall into that kind of a rut again.

whats_my_name

If the other person is in bad form and needs to switch off dont take it personally! Also try not to take the PMS out on him either, easier said than done!!!!

TheBeardedLady

My biggest piece of advice after 2 and a half years living together with this fella (and 4 years together this Tuesday!) is have the craic. Be silly. Make an effort to make each other laugh and make the effort to be affectionate.

I'm a bit of a clown and love to do stupid things to make my boyfriend laugh and this morning he had me in stitches doing this really nerdy robot dance that nobody would find funny but us.

If you feel a surge of love, get up and give the man a kiss and a hug and tell him you love him. It's those little things that keep monotony at bay.


Go out every week or so for a few glasses of wine and a chat or a walk to get out of the house and DO YOUR OWN THING separately from each other - encourage him to head out with his mates without out you if he's making excuses not to and being lazy and do the same if you find yourself going the same way.


I think the one thing that really helped us was not having a TV; not because we're a big pair of hipsters, just because we didn't want to fork out for one so we stick on a good station on the radio that plays good music or play our music for each other which is a much better background more conducive to chatting and having a laugh. Maybe you're not willing to sacrifice having a telly but turn it off now and then, especially at the weekend.

m'lady

Would definitely agree with you Bearded lady in regards to the tv.. While we have a tv, and watch the odd thing on it we don't revolve our time together with the tv. Another thing we make an effort with is NOT having our phones/ tablets/ laptop hanging out of us constantly, obviously there are times we have to (work/families etc) but we don't aimlessly look into our phones all the time when we are chatting. I think it's about respect and having a bit of 'me' time too, for example- tonight while he was watching the last bit of the match I went and had a bath and pottered about. Just relax and enjoy!

After 22 years living together, my one piece of advise: Never, ever ask him what he is thinking.

Dial Hard

cactusgal wrote: »

Doesn't sound silly to me! The last time I lived with someone, I hated the fact that our main time together was sat eating dinner in front of the TV every night.

So don't eat dinner in front of the tv.

Seriously, make a point of setting the table and eating at it every evening, with no phones or books or magazines or whatnot to distract you from the food and eachother. It's a really small thing, but it makes a *huge* difference.

Also, no tv in the bedroom, and whenever possible, go to bed at the same time as eachother.

Shelga

If you have a double bed, get a kingsize duvet.

m'lady

I agree with Dial hard, going to bed at the same time where possible is a biggie. Some of the best conversations I've had with my partner have been in bed- your relaxed and not likely to get distracted.

NeonCookies

Unless you are both tidy people, don't assume housework will fall into a happy routine! I'm neat, my boyfriend's not (at all!) so we have a set division of housework. For us, that means he does obvious things like washing dishes, or taking bins out. And I do things like general tidying, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom/windows. Basically, I do the stuff that he doesn't notice! We share stuff we both hate like hanging out the washing! It works well for us :-)

I know it's not the most romantic way to keep a relationship fresh, but knowing what's expected from each of us saves so many arguments and leaves more time for fun with neither of us (aka me!) feeling like we're doing more than our fair share. It make us feel like a team.

LegacyUser

Be considerate. There is nothing worse than getting home from work feeling tired and having to face into housework cos nails and tan need to be done and there is no time for washing up or hoovering. Romance disappears fast when you lose respect for the person that you live with cos they live like a pig and never consider anyone else.

dudara

King size duvet on a double bed is a great tip. This what we have and there's rarely a shortage of duvet.

Otherwise, remember that you love this person and that, hopefully, this is the first step in the rest of your lives together. Treat them with respect, take time to talk/laugh and make sure that there is some allocation of housework that works for both of you.

MrWalsh

Agree the finances in advance. Be open with each other about what you earn, what you owe, what you spend, how you spend it. Do a budget to cover rent, bills and household each month. Decide up front if the person who earns more contributes more and by what percentage.

cactusgal

Thanks so much for the great advice, everyone, really appreciate you taking the time to reply. Will definitely take it all on board.
Thanks again!!

Neyite

"Never demand as a right, something you can ask as a favour."

This one has stood me in good stead. There is nothing more irritating than someone assuming that something is *your* job, and getting narky or thick when *your* job isn't done. To give an example, my partner usually brings out the bins. For over a decade, he's done that. But I never assume its his responsibility, so when the bin is full, and I'm there, I'll empty it. Usually he'll jump up and take it from me as a courtesy. But I'd never assume that because *he* does the bins, its his job, nor would I get annoyed when the bin is overflowing. We apply this to all household related matters, then when we began our family, applied it to childcare too. Assuming that the other is responsible for X while you are responsible for Y is unfair unless you have discussed it and agreed on it. Sulking or being passive aggressive while expecting the other to know you are in a bad mood and why also comes under this.

Assumptions are a relationship killer. If he is quiet, it could be easy to assume that it's because he is having a massive rethink about your relationship, and work yourself up in knots in your head, you might find that he is just thinking about a situation at work, or a problem a mate confided in him, or maybe he's just got a headache. Assuming he will do the dinner because you are studying when it might not have even occurred to him could cause tension. So always ask, rather than assume.

Money is what most couples disagree about, so sit down and both of you discuss what you think is a fair way to contribute, and why. There is no right and wrong way - the right way is the one that both of you think is fair and are happy to abide by. That might mean pooling the lot, or equal contributions, or a % scale contribution.

The next biggest is usually the progression of a relationship according to a perceived time line. So you need to be aware from the outset what the other person wants in life -is marriage /kids /mortgage on their agenda for the future or not? if so, are they on yours? Does he have /do you have a rough time-frame in mind for those? Or things like wanting to work abroad or further study? You don't have to have it set in stone, but simply knowing that the person you are moving in with wants a similar future to the one you want could save a lot of heartache down the line.

Lastly, if you can, agree your disagreement ground rules. Some people need to walk away when they are pissed off, have a think about it and come back with a calmer head to resolve it. Others like to tackle it there and then. So by understanding how the other person processes disagreements you can have a better footing on which to resolve things.

For us, arguments are not about about point-scoring, or who is right. Its about meeting halfway if we can with a solution. Or, if for some reason we cant, that you've told the other person calmly why you feel you cant meet them halfway. In our relationship arguments, previous transgressions or arguments are inadmissible, name-calling is not tolerated, and shouting is an instant signal for us to park the discussion, go get a drink of water, have a fag outside, and come back with a calmer head to continue the discussion. It's not a perfect system, and might not suit everyone else, but in 11 years, I can recall about 5 disagreements, which isn't a bad record. The both of us are pretty laid back and have similar housekeeping standards so that probably accounts for a lot.

We are respectful of each other - never slagging off the other person to people outside the relationship, or making jokes at their expense amongst mutual friends or family. I hate when I see couples snipe at each other in a group of friends, I think it is very passive-aggressive and childish and colours my impression of them.

There will be things that drive you mad about the other. I found that humour diffuses a lot of that for us. Like becks101, there is a lot of silliness and laughing in our home, lots of random affection constantly, playfulness, and its easy to forget to enjoy each other's company. Doing nice things for each other is always a good thing to do. Above all, its about enjoying the journey together.

An Bhanríon

Always greet each other properly when you wake up / leave home in the morning, and when you get home in the evening. A little kiss is fine, but don't just say 'hello'. You are not just housemates!

If one person gets home before the other, always give the other person a bit of time to settle in / put their coat away / get food, etc., before you start talking about stuff that needs to be done, e.g. we really need to clean the windows, would you mind putting your smelly socks in the laundry basket, my parents have invited us over for dinner on Sunday. Just because you have been home for an hour and are ready to have these conversations doesn't mean your partner is ready!

Work as a team when it comes to housework. Don't always be making sure that each does 50% of the work. If one person is having a busy week the other can do more - as long as both make an effort this works well!

These tips come from experience of doing things the wrong way, by the way!! I used to worry myself and my now husband were just not meant to live together. But it was just we had been doing our own thing for so many years and had to change a bit so our ways of running a house could blend together. We are not quite 'blended' yet but we have the rest of our lives to get there!

skallywag

I know that this is depending on you having enough space to start with, but having a distinct area where you can do your thing and him his is a massive advantage, if it's feasible of course.

redfacedbear

Congrats cactusgal!

You've had some excellent advice - the only thing I didn't notice being mentioned is if you are moving into his place or finding a new place together. In a new place you can put your own stamp on it from the start but it mightn't be as straightforward if you are landing into his.

Again communication and consideration are the key - just don't assume that it'll be okay to remove his XBox games from the shelf and put a nice plant in their place (dreadfully sexist assumptions in this sentence, I know :P) - maybe that sort of thing should be part of your discussions on finances, expectations, housework etc.

Good Luck.

cactusgal

Thanks! Yes, I'll be moving into his place and he's never lived with a girlfriend before, so I want to be able to feel at home but respect his space at the same time ..

cazzer22

cactusgal wrote: »

Hi everyone,

This is a happy thread! My boyfriend and I (both mid 30s) have decided to move in together after my current lease is up in a few months. We'll have been together for two years at that point. Needless to say, I'm delighted. He is absolutely the best in every way, one of the nicest, funniest, and loveliest people I've ever met, and I love him to bits.

I've lived with a few other boyfriends, and one thing I found was that the relationship just got so dull and stale with constantly being in each other's company, and both people just kind of stop making an effort.

My boyfriend now is nothing like any of my exes and our relationship is much, much better than any I've had in the past, so I do believe this experience will be much better. However, I just wanted to ask for people's advice on living together.

What are some tips for making the transition go smoothly, and for still keeping the relationship fresh (for lack of a better word!)

What are some things to avoid??

Thanks in advance for your insight!

Hey, I moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago and it's all going really well. He works nights mostly so we're not always in each other's space, but even if we were, it wouldn't matter. I would say keep things clean and wash up together or clean together and make sure to do equal work around the house, too. Cooking each other breakfast/dinner as a surprise is a nice thing as well. Also don't forget about date nights (dinner, cinema) or quality things like going for a walk together. I also make sure I get to see my friends a lot too he does also. Don't get too comfortable, make the effort! It'll be a great experience and you'll really enjoy it :-)

El_Duderino 09

whats_my_name wrote: »

If the other person is in bad form and needs to switch off dont take it personally! easier said than done!!!!

This a million times!

Sometimes I notice that I'm getting annoyed by her slurping her tea or something like that. I tell my OH that I'm in a pisser of a mood, it's not her fault but I'm tired and I feel like a row and she usually laughs at me and knows to take my grumpiness as a passing phase. Usually passes in half an hour or so.

If you cut each other slack when you need it, things go smoother in the long run.

howamidifferent

My biggest bugbear with any women I've lived with has been how they tend to step out of their knickers first thing in the morning leaving it on the floor looking up at you all day. Drove me mad!! :mad: Into the washing basket with your dirty clothes when they come off.

Tarzana2

Dial Hard wrote: »

and whenever possible, go to bed at the same time as eachother.

I'd hate to have to go to bed as early as my boyfriend likes to. Why is that important? I'd actually get a bit resentful if he wanted to go to bed at the same time as him, way too early for me!

iusedtoknow

it'll take a while to find a rhythm. Sometimes it all works out, sometimes it doesn't. Just have clear expectations regards finances and everything else will work out.

Cleaning: you have to equal out standards of cleaning. I could leave a cup on a table for the evening until bedtime, whereas my wife will bring it to the kitchen as soon as she's done with it. Neither is right or wrong, just different. Remember that just because it isn't your way (or his!), doesn't make it wrong.

Bedtimes: I don't get the advise about going to bed at the same time. Sheesh, sometimes that could see me going to bed at 10am . As long as you spend time communicating, you should be able to do as you please - if that's watching one more episode on netflix, or finishing a book or an article at night...then do it.

Other friends: keep contact with your other friends, go out with just them sometimes, and don't resent if your BF wants to do the same. It's important to keep outside lives up as well. Obviously, not to the same degree but it's good to keep some independence.

Quiet time: Sometimes I've had a long day at work and want to unwind for an hour getting home. My wife comes from a very expressive culture where conversations start as soon as someone is in the door. It took a while for her to figure out that just because I was quiet when I came in, didn't mean anything - it was just that I needed an hour. She's taken to doing it herself now where if she's had a tough day (or night) she'll come in, say hello and disappear into our office space/rumpus room for an hour to disconnect and read

Basically, there are no rules - each couple are really different and it'll take a while to sort out, and just because it worked for other people, doesn't mean it'll work for you - there will be disagreements as you sort it all out, but it's fun.

suicide_circus

A big scented candle and lighter in the bathroom at all times.

No TV/laptop/kindle/tablet in the bedroom.

If you've asked him to do something relatively minor a "million times", stop asking, it's probably not a massive deal.

if he accidentally breaks something of yours and is clearly distressed, don't make him feel worse about it by freaking out - he will recognise the effort you're making and will really appreciate it.

MrWalsh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I'd hate to have to go to bed as early as my boyfriend likes to. Why is that important? I'd actually get a bit resentful if he wanted to go to bed at the same time as him, way too early for me!

The different opinions on this are interesting. We almost always go to bed at the same time, and get up at the same time. It just makes things easier for us in terms of mealtimes, being ready to go somewhere/do something. Occasionally one of us hits the hay early but our norm is at the same time. We never discussed it tho, I guess it just became habit by accident.

LegacyUser

Regarding going to bed at the same time - as far as my experience goes, it's not an issue unless there's an underlying issue.

Just before my (very very long term) relationship broke up, one of the main signs to me that things were breaking down was the fact that my OH was not only not going to bed at the same time as me, but was constantly "falling asleep on the couch" in order to avoid going to bed at the same time as me.

In other words, they didn't want to draw attention to the fact that sex was entirely off the table.

Tarzana2

MrWalsh wrote: »

The different opinions on this are interesting. We almost always go to bed at the same time, and get up at the same time. It just makes things easier for us in terms of mealtimes, being ready to go somewhere/do something. Occasionally one of us hits the hay early but our norm is at the same time. We never discussed it tho, I guess it just became habit by accident.

I need less sleep than my boyfriend and it would feel like I have a set bedtime if I went when he did, like a kid or something. No thanks! And he needs the room to be completely dark, so no reading or anything. I'd really hate it, it would make me feel trapped.

MrWalsh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

And he needs the room to be completely dark, so no reading or anything. I'd really hate it, it would make me feel trapped.

For people who need the room completely dark, would they not just wear a sleep mask?

El_Duderino 09

It doesn't help to bottle up an 'I told you so'. My missus makes a joke out of it. That way its easier to take on board and do it her way next time.

I hate 'I told you so', but I don' mind 'A-to-da-so' as much

A-to-da-so

(Contains a naughty word)

kylith

MrWalsh wrote: »

For people who need the room completely dark, would they not just wear a sleep mask?

Because of the fear that it'll slip down during the night and strangle you. Plus the fact that it feels weird having something strapped to your face when you're trying to sleep; I'd feel horribly claustrophobic with one.

Going to bed at the same time is not an issue. And it doesn't mean sex is off the table unless you only ever have sex in bed at night which is, in my opinion, one of more boring ways to have sex.

MrWalsh

kylith wrote: »

Because of the fear that it'll slip down during the night and strangle you. Plus the fact that it feels weird having something strapped to your face when you're trying to sleep; I'd feel horribly claustrophobic with one.

Going to bed at the same time is not an issue. And it doesn't mean sex is off the table unless you only ever have sex in bed at night which is, in my opinion, one of more boring ways to have sex.

Have there been many deaths by sleep mask strangulation I wonder?

Yeah, I'm so knackered at bed time sex would be the last thing on my mind. But I do love the intimacy of falling asleep touching each other's hand or in winter snuggling into the hot water bottle and getting warm together.

For me it's the little things that make living together nice. He leaves out a cup with a tea bag in it by the kettle for me in the mornings which is sweet. Doing nice little things for each other is important when living with someone.

kylith

MrWalsh wrote: »

Have there been many deaths by sleep mask strangulation I wonder?

Probably not, but it's what I'd be thinking, and the same reason I wouldn't wear headphones in bed either. Sure it's not rational, but fears rarely are

How embarrassing would it be to be the first person strangled to death by a sleep mask?

Faith

I'm pretty sure you'd wake up if you couldn't breathe, and you'd calmly remove the bit of string from around your neck that can exert only minuscule pressure on you . It's not like a sleep mask could pin you down for the 3 minutes or so it would take you to die by strangulation! Worst case scenario is you'd have to break the string to get it off.

I agree with going to bed at the same time. My fiancé and I began doing that when we moved in together. Not abruptly, but it started with him getting into bed and watching stuff with headphones in while I fell asleep. Then he gradually started falling asleep earlier until we were pretty much synchronized. I love bedtime now, I can't wait to get into bed and fall asleep wrapped around each other.

It helps us to have defined 'jobs' for housework. It happened that we easily agreed on what we like and don't like doing, and they were the opposite of each other. I like cooking, he likes sweeping for example. I do the bathroom and he does the bins.

Be respectful of each other and listen to each other. If he tells you something irritates him, listen to him. Equally, calmly but firmly communicate with him when something bothers you.

Living together is great . I've found that after significant changes in a relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, etc), there can be a period of regular bickering and minor fighting. Don't worry about it - it's normal!

Tarzana2

MrWalsh wrote: »

For people who need the room completely dark, would they not just wear a sleep mask?

My BF would hate having to wear one plus, it's sounds not just light. The tap-tapping of the laptop etc. He could wear ear plugs, I guess, but I don't think someone should have to truss themselves up so much just to sleep. The same bedtimes thing just doesn't suit every couple. Like I said, I would really hate to have to go to bed as early as my boyfriend, I'm a night owl. It would become a source of resentment.

We don't fall asleep wrapped around each other though, we like our space. My boyfriend likes to be completely unencumbered when going to sleep. Maybe if we were more huggy, going to bed together would be more important to us.

MrWalsh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

My BF would hate having to wear one plus, it's sounds not just light. The tap-tapping of the laptop etc. He could wear ear plugs, I guess, but I don't think someone should have to truss themselves up so much just to sleep. The same bedtimes thing just doesn't suit every couple.

God I'd hate to share a bed with someone so sensitive, fair play to you, you must have the patience of a saint!

Does it not wake him when you go to bed? Or do you have to sneak in silently in the dark? It must be like torture for him if he ever has to stay overnight in a hospital?

I definitely would not have the same bedtime as my husband if he was super sensitive about going to sleep! Both of us just conk regardless of if the other has lights on, or there are sounds, thankfully! I really feel for people who have trouble sleeping, there's nothing worse than trying to sleep and not being able to.

kylith

Faith wrote: »

I'm pretty sure you'd wake up if you couldn't breathe, and you'd calmly remove the bit of string from around your neck that can exert only minuscule pressure on you . It's not like a sleep mask could pin you down for the 3 minutes or so it would take you to die by strangulation! Worst case scenario is you'd have to break the string to get it off.

Like I said; fears aren't rational and most importantly; I just wouldn't be comfortable sleeping like that. I'm like Tarzana's OH in that I don't like being interfered with when I'm asleep. I don't want to be cuddled, the slightest touch of flesh is enough for me.

To me it would be the height of rudeness to be on a laptop or tablet when someone is trying to sleep, just so that ye could say ye go to bed at the same time. I'd much prefer to go to bed an hour or so earlier than my partner so they could do what they wanted on their computer and I could get to sleep in peace. Once I'm asleep any disturbance by someone coming to bed is minimal as long as they're not turning on the main light and making a load of noise (Ex used the torch on his phone as I did if I went to bed after him). I really don't understand why going to bed at the same time is so important for some people, for me it would be like having a bedtime when I was a child.

And yes, trying to get to sleep in a hospital is torturous.

MrWalsh

Kylith, I don't go to bed at the same time as my husband so that I can say we go to bed at the same time!?! That would be really silly! Who would I be saying it to? I do it because I like the intimacy of going to bed together. Often it's the time where we properly talk about things, without distractions, before we go to sleep. Other times we snuggle and read, or use tablets or one goes to sleep while the other is answering an email or whatever.

I can't imagine trying to undress and put things away and leave things ready for the morning using a phone torch on a nightly basis. I'd rather sleep in a different room!

Faith

Why on earth would somebody share a bedroom if they are an extremely light sleeper on a different schedule to their partner, or hate being touched in bed? It would be my idea of hell to have to tiptoe around my room using a torch either at night or in the morning.

I think the OP can use the last few posts as a good example of when compromise might be needed, if nothing else! If one member insists on having a bedroom setting that's just so and is not willing to budge, and it's not convenient for the other, then having separate bedrooms is a perfectly valid compromise. If I couldn't relax freely in my bed, and I didn't want to cuddle my partner, then I'd definitely want my own bedroom. I'd see no benefit to sharing in those circumstances.

A second bedroom, if you can afford it, is always a good idea anyway. Even if you love sharing a room, there might be times when you are sick and need your own space. Up until our current house, we've always had an extra room that my OH has used as an office/man cave. It allows us some separation when we need it, either for work reasons or just general space reasons.

Tarzana2

MrWalsh wrote: »

God I'd hate to share a bed with someone so sensitive, fair play to you, you must have the patience of a saint!

I don't consider his bedtime needs sensitive at all.

Faith wrote: »

Why on earth would somebody share a bedroom if they are an extremely light sleeper on a different schedule to their partner, or hate being touched in bed?

Seriously? Needing quiet and darkness to get off to sleep doesn't mean you're a light sleeper, it just means you need those things at the beginning to get into a deep sleep. And it's still nice to have the other person next to you in bed, even if you're not cuddly. We'd cuddle on waking in the morning often. And you really consider it necessary to sleep in different rooms because your bedtime might be an hour apart?

I find it a bit strange that people can't see outside their own personal preferences on this subject. I mean, I totally understand why some couples love going to bed at the same time but it wouldn't be for everyone. The OP would know herself, I guess, and the way my BF and I handle bedtime wouldn't be advice I'd be handing down as essential, every couple is different in this regard.

Faith

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Seriously?

Yeah, I genuinely don't get what the benefits of sharing in such conditions would be. I love having a bed to myself to stretch out. If I didn't enjoy cuddling, or couldn't sleep through a slight noise or light, I would hate to share a room. I share because A) we love cuddling, and we have some brilliant conversations while we're lounging in bed together, either when we've just woken up or before we go to sleep. If neither of those things happen, I'd see no point in sharing a small space when I could have a bed all to myself.

Obviously that's just me now, but maybe someone could explain why they still choose to share a bedroom when they don't have any interactions in that room (presumably apart from sex, which can't happen at bedtime or in the morning very frequently when people are on different schedules). I'm genuinely curious.

Also, please point out where I claimed anything was 'necessary'.

Edit: you edited your post while I was typing. I think were talking at cross purposes here. I don't consider an hour in difference in bedtimes particularly significant, nor needing dark and silence for the 20 minutes or so it takes to fall into a deep sleep. When you said night owl, I imagined you sleeping from 3am to 11am, and your partner sleeping from 10pm to 6am, or something along those lines. Similarly, if someone can sleep through a light being turned on when they're fast asleep, that's great. I'm talking about the person who mentioned using a torch every night, which seems mad to me.

Nobody is claiming that their advice is 'essential' - we're all just explaining what works well for us so that the OP can sift through it all and figure out what will be best for her and her partner. Maybe she was horrified at the idea of synchronising bedtimes, or maybe she thought it's a great idea. It's good that she's getting a wide variety of opinions on the subject, IMO.

cactusgal

Faith wrote: »

Nobody is claiming that their advice is 'essential' - we're all just explaining what works well for us so that the OP can sift through it all and figure out what will be best for her and her partner. Maybe she was horrified at the idea of synchronising bedtimes, or maybe she thought it's a great idea. It's good that she's getting a wide variety of opinions on the subject, IMO.

Yes indeed! I think it really depends on the couple. Myself and my boyfriend have similar jobs with similar wake-up times, so it works for us to go to bed together at the same time. I also like having a chat and a cuddle at the end of the day, falling asleep together makes me feel relaxed and happy.

Having said that, I wouldn't want him or I to feel like we had to go to bed at the same time all the time.

kylith

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I don't consider his bedtime needs sensitive at all.



Seriously? Needing quiet and darkness to get off to sleep doesn't mean you're a light sleeper, it just means you need those things at the beginning to get into a deep sleep. And it's still nice to have the other person next to you in bed, even if you're not cuddly. We'd cuddle on waking in the morning often. And you really consider it necessary to sleep in different rooms because your bedtime might be an hour apart?

Exactly. You don't need to be cuddly to enjoy sharing a bed with someone; having their weight in the bed and hearing them breathe is lovely. My ex used the light on his phone to avoid turning on the main light, but that was his choice. Once I'm asleep it's grand, and I wouldn't have minded being disturbed for a few minutes. If he went to bed before me I did the same, it's really no bother to strip and get into bed by phonelight.

To me bed is where you go to sleep not watch a film, browse the internet or chat. Those are living room activities to be done when awake and alert. When we did go to bed at the same time we'd cuddle for a while because I knew he liked it and I'd roll over when I was ready to sleep, and he'd respect that.

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I find it a bit strange that people can't see outside their own personal preferences on this subject. I mean, I totally understand why some couples love going to bed at the same time but it wouldn't be for everyone. The OP would know herself, I guess, and the way my BF and I handle bedtime wouldn't be advice I'd be handing down as essential, every couple is different in this regard.

Yes, I think the main thing the OP can take from this discussion is that every couple is different and that every couple needs to decide for themselves what suits them best. Go to bed together if you want, but if you don't want to that's ok too. Talk to each other about what you want and expect and reach a compromise that suits you both.