Am I mad to be considering this?

LegacyUser

Hey all

I'm posting this here in the hope I can get some advice on something that's been on my mind a lot.

A bit of background, I'm a mid thirties female, professional, attractive, well liked, sociable and well travelled. IVe been single a long time (8 years) and despite being having a lot to offer I haven't had much interest from men. So reluctantly last year I turned to online dating as a last resort. After a year of frustrating encounters I was on the verge of giving up on it before Christmas when a guy contacted me and we arranged to meet up. We have been seeing each other since then. He is the same age as me, is interested. In a lot of the same things as me, is kind, considerate, etc.

Which leads me to the problem....he is a single dad to a young boy and is separated fro his wife of 10 years. He told me this on our first date and my heart sank. It's always been a deal breaker for me but I thought I would give it a go and see what happens. He has partial custody with his ex wife and dotes on his young son (who I haven't met). He now lives back home with his parents until he can afford his own place. Which is the second problem, the banks repossessed the house after the marriage broke down and he can't afford another place, even to rent as he works a minimum wage job. He has no qualifications and has very few prospects in terms of advancing a career or progressing in life. As much as I like him I just feel like I don't think we are well matched in terms of what we bring to the relationship. I've achieved a lot in my life (through hard work and determination) and I know (as bad as it sounds) that he has done well with me. But at the back of my mind I feel that I'm compromising too much and that I could do better. I don't want to resent him down the line for not being the man I had hoped for in my life. He also has a fairly unconventional family background (all his siblings are divorced/separated) and one family member has a prison record.

I feel so bad writing this as I really like him and I forget about all of these things when I'm with him. He is the nicest guy I've been with for a long time and part of me thinks I would be foolish to walk away. He tells me I'm gorgeous, adorable and all the right things But I have to be realistic at the same time. So is there any advice out there for me?😕

zeffabelli

Yeah. You are already looking at him as beneath you.

You are totting up in a petty accountant book the incomes and outgoings.

The fact that you already perceive a lack of parity means it's doomed.

I certainly would not for ONE second entertain someone who wrote about me in the terms you have written about him.

sasta le

Ud hear this alot from Irish women if a guy is honest and hard working give iy a go at least for while

PirateShampoo

Sounds like you should do the guy a favour and call it off before he gets more involved.

Every family has history, what is conventional these days? Also you describe him has a stand up dad which should be a massive plus for him but you make it sound like a negative.

bee06

I don't think his family, child and marriage breakdown should be seen as negatives. However I would be wary of someone who is in his thirties with a minimum wage job and no plan to progress by gaining qualifications etc. The complete lack of ambition would bother me as its the complete opposite of me and it sounds like the opposite of you as well.

Big Bag of Chips

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

...at the back of my mind I feel that I'm compromising too much and that I could do better.

Would you like to go out with someone who feels like they "could do better"? I didn't think so.

It's unfair of you to just use this fella just to fill in time so as not to be single, until that someone better comes along. You can't help how you feel, but you can stop yourself from stringing this lad along and continuing a relationship with someone you feel isn't good enough for you.

I'm sure you'd rather be single than be with someone who's a bit embarrassed by you or your family. I'd guess he'd feel the same.

Littlekittylou

I think you are crazy NOT to be considering him.

From the way you describe his personality I can't see why you wouldn't be.

House repossessed. So what?

He is a father..is he a good father it sounds like he may be??

He is the nicest guy I've been with for a long time and part of me thinks I would be foolish to walk away. He tells me I'm gorgeous, adorable and all the right things But I have to be realistic at the same time. So is there any advice out there for me?��

You are crazy NOT to be considering him.

So his family member went to prison. But that was a while ago and it wasn't him was it?


He sounds like a really great guy.

catbear

You value achievement but what about commitment?

You like him but feel he's beneath you in some ways but each person brings something to a relationship.

We all have baggage, yours seems to be idealism.

If you can't compromise then let him go.

LegacyUser

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

IVe been single a long time (8 years) and despite being having a lot to offer I haven't had much interest from men.

.... It's always been a deal breaker for me....

I feel that I'm compromising too much and that I could do better. I don't want to resent him down the line for not being the man I had hoped for in my life...

Let him off as you obviously have issues with him.

However, maybe it's time for you to reflect on where you are at and what you are looking for. Be careful with any list of ideals you have in a partner. Clearly it hasn't been working for you. Are you waiting for an attractive, educated, reasonably well off man with no history or baggage? You mention your looks, looks fade and often start to do so around the mid 30 and onwards mark (I am this age too and applies to me as well!). I would not advocate 'settling' to anyone, but perhaps time to reevaluate your deal breakers/requirements?

ThatFatGal

I'm sorry but his life seems to be full of drama and I don't think that's what you need at this stage of you life.

I have a friend who is similar to you and she always seems to go back and forth between different guys who seem to carry a lot of baggage and the relationship never lasted for more than 3-4 months and you have no idea how much headache and heartache it causes.

You are still young and you have achieved a lot in your life - don't lower your expectations.

shalalala

If he has just had bad luck in his life and works hard, just happens to be in a low paying job then I would keep with him.

If he is genuinely happy where he is, never felt the need to work up and accomplish more, that is where the problem is.

You two have differing outlooks in life, there is nothing wrong with that at all! Dont let anyone make you feel bad for wanting what you want.

Sittingpretty

As another poster pointed out, you already consider him beneath you and unworthy of you.
Let him go and allow him find someone who considers him an equal and appreciates what he brings to a relationship.

Chara1001

My last relationship was with someone who reminds me of you.
He was in a very high paying job and was fiercely ambitious regarding money and career status. Which was good but when he started to focus on my career and the fact it paid less than his- there was a problem.
I work in a very niche field which requires a lot of training and experience in which to become proficient. We lived together and paid 50/50 for everything and so (i thought) there was no issue as I chose this career as I loved it and it afforded me a decent enough salary.
This wasn't good enough for him though, he began to let me know that he wasn't going to have the lifestyle he was working for because my job didn't pay enough. He saw that because i was 'settling' for this salary, it was a mark of how lazy and unambitious I am- and he wasn't quiet in letting me know this.
Have you any idea what it's like to have your supposed partner feel contempt for you because you don't measure up to their ideals? I suspect he has an idea about it because lacking such respect for someone is difficult to hide.
You're not going to be able to magic up respect for him from nowhere and if you feel this now- don't take this relationship any further- it wouldn't be fair and find someone who measures up better to your ideal.

skallywag

Sodontknowwhattodo? wrote: »

...He told me this on our first date and my heart sank. It's always been a deal breaker for me...

I think you may need to realign your expectations if you want to give yourself a realistic chance of meeting someone who you would deem compatible / acceptable. A large % of men looking to get into a relationship with a woman in her mid 30s may already have children from a previous relationship.

MrWalsh

Everyone is different and has a different idea of what they would want in a partner.

I wouldnt have any interest in someone in their 30s in a minimum wage job - unless there was a very good reason for that. I have achieved a lot academically and professionally and I would like to have a partner with a similar mindset - I think the best relationships are those where the two people involved have similar value systems and outlooks on what they want in life both emotionally and materialistically.

In the situation you have outlined the child and the lack of ambition would be deal breakers for me but the unconventional family wouldnt bother me - you cant judge someone on their family - would you like to be judged because someone else in the family had a broken relationship?

I dont see why people think you should reassess your deal breakers - they seem very normal to me!

greengirl31

OP , I have a couple of points to make on your post.

Firstly, as a single parent myself, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who saw my daughter as a deal breaker – if a potential partner had an issue with my daughter that would be a deal breaker for me. My ideal partner would be someone without children too if I’m completely honest but I’m open to all options – never say never is my motto. I’d have more respect for a single/separated father who made an effort with his child/children than one that didn’t bother.

Secondly, I can also understand the difficulties of having vastly different incomes. I think it may be more palatable if the financial difficulties had been of both your making but I can see why you wouldn’t be prepared to support someone else’s financial woes. So, in a lot of way, you’re right to be honest.

But I’m not sure what you’re asking because it seems like you’ve made up your mind. I think if you have any feelings for this guy you’ll do him a favour and let him go. You don’t see yourselves as equals so there doesn’t seem to be much point in continuing the relationship. Also, as others have said, I do think though that you need to re-assess your deal breakers – expectations of both men and women usually change as we get older and if you’re expecting to find a 30/40 something man, with no baggage, good career prospects etc etc, you may be being a tad unrealistic … I’m not saying they’re not out there but they’re few and far between. Not that you should just settle either … No one should ever do that. Just take some time to think about what you want, and the possibility that you may have to compromise on some of your requirements. If you don’t want to, then that’s fine but then you need to get comfortable with the idea of being on your own. And don’t think that I’m saying being on your own is a negative either … You will be far happier, in my opinion, without a partner than with one that you feel doesn’t measure up to your expectations.

Greenduck

Hi OP - No I don't think you're mad at all. Attraction isn't just about looks or personality..its about a whole heap of things combined that just click!

However, he HAS a job albeit minimum wage.
He has a kid, but hes a great dad
He makes you feel special and you forget about the negatives when you're with him.

Normally I would say cut your loses, but really it sounds like you have something special. Try and get out of your head and into your heart and try not intellectualise your relationship. What is your gut telling you about this man?

catbear

Actually a successful guy in his 40s without baggage is less inclined to want to pick up any.

Leo12

Further to the good advice given by other posters you have to follow your gut feelings. If you are looking for a man in his 30s and 40s with no prior relationships/ wives / children then you are being hugely unrealistic. He's a great Dad and his child means the world to him so that's a positive not a negative. Did he not progress with his qualifications because he had to take a backseat while bringing up his child and his wife was the breadwinner? It's no big deal his house got repossessed so many did in the last few years! That must have been harrowing for him and his son as I imagine that was his childhood home? And so what if he has had a relative in prison? All families have characters, look at Kate Middleton wasn't it on the news that her uncle spent time in jail ??? However, if you feel that you are not economically matched then that is a different story. You should find out why as a 30 something he is only doing minimum wage... And by the way there is no shame in thinking that way about someone. You have worked hard and well done for that. I would look at your unrealistic expectations of baggage and the notion that we are not our families! Every family including mine has some black sheep and problems, it affects all families. Best of luck.

santana75

But you never once mentined chemistry OP. You've focused on a laundry list of external factors that society might deem to constitute the ideal mate, but not once did you say anything about how this guy makes you feel. That to me is the most strking thing about your post. It doesnt matter really about his job or his current living arrangements, what matters is how you feel about him and if its not there then it doesnt matter if he lives in a mansion, has his own private jet, a lamborgini and is the CEO of a fortune 500 company. Attraction and gut level chemistry doesnt conform to laundry lists, its just one of those things in life people cant consciously control.
It sounds like youre trying to find someone with your head and that doesnt work. This is the kind of thing where you heart has to rule. If theres fireworks when youre with each other then forget about the material crap and just go for it. But if theres nothing there and its just "nice" to be around him then do him and you a favor and cut him lose.

LegacyUser

I'm a single woman around your own age and I understand where you're coming from. In an ideal world I'd love to meet a nice normal man with no broken marriages or kids. Those sorts of men are like hen's teeth unfortunately. In my experience the good ones have long since been snapped up. I find that the single men of my age are single for a reason - they're not the sort of person a woman would go for.

What I can also tell you is that no words from anyone on the internet will solve this problem for you. Your head might be telling you that there is a lot good about this man and that you should give things a go. If your heart is saying "He's lovely but..." then it's time to let him go.

LegacyUser

Op, You say you can do better, but even without the constraints of a child and a reposessed home, you haven't in EIGHT years. I wonder about your assessments.

I was in love with a man who once felt about me the way you feel about this gentleman. He initially thought I had money as in many ways I "transmit" money. And I think he loved me too. But I was out of work after a very serious long term illness and he saw this as a lack of ambition. In many ways it was. I found myself pregnant and he decided he neither wanted me nor the baggage of the child, even though the child was his baggage too. He had a very good job and was well paid. I think he thought I wanted his money, but I didn't, and he rejected me when he found out I was broke.

He found someone who was employed and had money, later he discovered it was obtained through aggressive litigation, and he felt she reflected his status. Then the economic crash happened, he lost his job, was unemployed for five years, he was demoted in her eyes, she was abusive, he lost any chance of a relationship with his child, and he was close to destroyed.

Now, I have had a very tough time, with a number of constraints, but I am employed by one the most respected global experts in a particular field, will be co authoring books and also have some amazing projects on the horizon that he could never even dream of getting near. He has an uphill battle regaining trust from our child and from me and is now in the position of lawsuits from this woman and also faces being a single father in a world of women like yourself who don't really care for that kind of baggage.

It only takes one stock market crash, one adjustment by OPEC, one decision by a foreign bank to change a currency value, one emotional response on Wall Street, one chronic illness before you and your ambition are quickly humbled. And if you are with someone who has the same value system as you seem to have, you will find yourself quickly abandoned.

Tides turn. Status changes. The fates can be fickle. You can' put a price on a good heart, loyalty, endurance, grace.

sasta le

So what's salary range would people cut a relationship off at

sadie1502

I think youre dead right to put yourself first. Youre never going to be happy with this situation and why should you settle. Go with your gut and I think its screaming at you. If I had all these doubts I would run for the hills. Its your life you get one chance so pass no one any apologies.

ghostfacekilla

You don't deserve this guy.

Do him a favour and let him off the hook

tomwaterford

I do find it strange that someone would ditch someone because of what they earn
Like I could understand about a child/sketchy character....but cutting someone out as not good enough over what they earn is awlful....it's not like there sitting about on their arse everyday refusing to work and being a general waster

MrWalsh

tomwaterford wrote: »

I do find it strange that someone would ditch someone because of what they earn
Like I could understand about a child/sketchy character....but cutting someone out as not good enough over what they earn is awlful....it's not like there sitting about on their arse everyday refusing to work and being a general waster

It's not about what he earns. It's that he is in his mid 30s, no qualifications, on minimum wage and little chance of progression.

She has achieved things through hard work and determination but he hasn't. So they don't have compatible views on what they want out of life.

It's no more awful than any other reason not to be into someone.

inocybe

If you were really in love none of those things would matter.
It's not an attractive trait to compare whether someone measures up to you in material things. Love is someone who will love and support you when your life falls apart and you lose all of those things.

dellas1979

Ive been stone mad about someone who earns a lot more than me, and qualifications hanging out of their ears.

And Ive been stone mad about someone who had very little money, and little qualifications.

Turns out, hey, doesnt matter if youve money, qualifications, or no money and no qualifications, anyone can be a dick. Its not exclusive to any category.

Now, it depends what you want/looking for, to sustain a healthy relationship. Do you see yourself badgering him about "bettering" himself?

Or do you see accepting him for who and what he is.

missjm

I think coming on a board like this you are going to get a range of replies. Some from people in that guy's situation, some from people in your situation. Nobody can really make up your mind for you BUT the fact your questioning it and already appear to have doubts would be what I would focus on.

From what you say, you would rather be with somebody in a similar situation to you. There's nothing at all wrong with that. If you are having serious doubts, then I suggest you cut your ties and don't prolong this any further as it may result in you hurting the guy. In all respect to him, he's been very upfront with you, which a lot of people aren't. He clearly doesn't want to waste time and mess around. Therefore, if I were you I'd leave it and wait.

freenow

You know, you might end up looking back on this guy with regret. Healthy relationships are about so much more than status and achievements. Yes, it can be easier to settle down with someone who is on the same page initially but there needs to be something more concrete to create a life together.

It sounds as though you are already seeing him through negative eyes, despite the fact that he has good qualities. Just don't be fooled into thinking Mr Perfect is out there waiting. There are always compromises to be made.

zeffabelli

MrWalsh wrote: »

It's not about what he earns. It's that he is in his mid 30s, no qualifications, on minimum wage and little chance of progression.

She has achieved things through hard work and determination but he hasn't. So they don't have compatible views on what they want out of life.

It's no more awful than any other reason not to be into someone.

He's mid 30s and has a child and a marriage behind him. Single parenting is very hard work. No one can say he is not hard working.

She is mid 30s and despite 8 years of historical evidence to the contrary, believes she can better. Begs the question, why hasn't she?

It all depends on how you view achievement and failure.

MrWalsh

zeffabelli wrote: »

He's mid 30s and has a child and a marriage behind him. Single parenting is very hard work. No one can say he is not hard working.

She is mid 30s and despite 8 years of historical evidence to the contrary, believes she can better. Begs the question, why hasn't she?

It all depends on how you view achievement and failure.

To reach mid 30s without having equipped yourself with some level of qualification, work experience, or professional skill is someone who is not future proofing himself. He has a child to support. I earned minimum wage at 16. By 17 I was up a pay grade. To get to mid 30s without ever having raised the bar higher than minimum wage for yourself, through the whole Celtic tiger, well, that is some achievement alright.

zeffabelli

MrWalsh wrote: »

To reach mid 30s without having equipped yourself with some level of qualification, work experience, or professional skill is someone who is not future proofing himself. He has a child to support. I earned minimum wage at 16. By 17 I was up a pay grade. To get to mid 30s without ever having raised the bar higher than minimum wage for yourself, through the whole Celtic tiger, well, that is some achievement alright.

And you are the measure of all things are you?

I know someone personally who did not go to college until their 40s and is a millionaire now.

It always helps to have someone believe in you.

wbt

Oh God this thread is depressing.

I wonder are all the people saying it's hard to find men aged 30-40 with no kids or ex-wives from a very rural area or something? I know loads of people in their thirties with no kids. I'm getting the vibe here that someone older than 30 who is looking for a partner should just settle for what they can get. I wouldn't really want a partner with a minimum wage job and a kid either. I don't think I'm that picky, but I love travelling, and someone on min wage is going to struggle to afford much beyond the basics, and kids will always come first. I don't want to have to live my life around a kid who isn't even mine. Now, these things aren't absolute dealbreakers, but I'd have to think very long and hard before getting into a relationship with someone in such a situation.

santana75

wbt wrote: »

Oh God this thread is depressing.

I wonder are all the people saying it's hard to find men aged 30-40 with no kids or ex-wives from a very rural area or something? I know loads of people in their thirties with no kids. I'm getting the vibe here that someone older than 30 who is looking for a partner should just settle for what they can get. I wouldn't really want a partner with a minimum wage job and a kid either. I don't think I'm that picky, but I love travelling, and someone on min wage is going to struggle to afford much beyond the basics, and kids will always come first. I don't want to have to live my life around a kid who isn't even mine. Now, these things aren't absolute dealbreakers, but I'd have to think very long and hard before getting into a relationship with someone in such a situation.

I think the point is though that if you feel very deeply for someone and there's serious chemistry, then their wage slip or current career prospects Dont matter. When you feel like that about someone, you Dont care about petty material things. So the very fact that the op is stressing about these things means she doesn't feel much in the way of gut level attraction for this guy.

LegacyUser

OP: on the flip side, the last two guys I dated told me that I was too highly educated , successful and earned so much more than them that they couldn't compete. I was upset ,because I wanted them to see me for what kind of person I am, and not keeping tabs. But such is life. If in doubt , get out . Find someone who has the same priorities as you. There's no harm in feeling incompatible for any reason, but there is harm in continuing a relationship full of doubt.

wbt

santana75 wrote: »

I think the point is though that if you feel very deeply for someone and there's serious chemistry, then their wage slip or current career prospects Dont matter. When you feel like that about someone, you Dont care about petty material things. So the very fact that the op is stressing about these things means she doesn't feel much in the way of gut level attraction for this guy.

I don't think that's very realistic. Lust and being 'in love' fade. In every relationship. Practical stuff like finances often ruins relationships and marriages....it's not really about 'petty financial things'. I wouldn't be compatible with someone who was happy to stay in and watch TV every night and never go on holiday. There's nothing wrong with that lifestyle, it's just not for me.

MrWalsh

zeffabelli wrote: »

And you are the measure of all things are you?

I know someone personally who did not go to college until their 40s and is a millionaire now.

It always helps to have someone believe in you.

No but I'm the yardstick by which I measure a potential partner as I've no doubt the OP is her own yardstick also.

She has already stated this bothers her. I can relate to it and have outlined why.

Your millionaire friend isn't relevant to the discussion, unless the OP is dating him!

It is well documented that financial problems are in the top list of reasons of marriage break up. It's all very well to be starry eyed and claim money doesn't matter but life in love has practical aspects also.

Mr. Incognito

tidesturn wrote: »

Op, You say you can do better, but even without the constraints of a child and a reposessed home, you haven't in EIGHT years. I wonder about your assessments.

I was in love with a man who once felt about me the way you feel about this gentleman. He initially thought I had money as in many ways I "transmit" money. And I think he loved me too. But I was out of work after a very serious long term illness and he saw this as a lack of ambition. In many ways it was. I found myself pregnant and he decided he neither wanted me nor the baggage of the child, even though the child was his baggage too. He had a very good job and was well paid. I think he thought I wanted his money, but I didn't, and he rejected me when he found out I was broke.

He found someone who was employed and had money, later he discovered it was obtained through aggressive litigation, and he felt she reflected his status. Then the economic crash happened, he lost his job, was unemployed for five years, he was demoted in her eyes, she was abusive, he lost any chance of a relationship with his child, and he was close to destroyed.

Now, I have had a very tough time, with a number of constraints, but I am employed by one the most respected global experts in a particular field, will be co authoring books and also have some amazing projects on the horizon that he could never even dream of getting near. He has an uphill battle regaining trust from our child and from me and is now in the position of lawsuits from this woman and also faces being a single father in a world of women like yourself who don't really care for that kind of baggage.

It only takes one stock market crash, one adjustment by OPEC, one decision by a foreign bank to change a currency value, one emotional response on Wall Street, one chronic illness before you and your ambition are quickly humbled. And if you are with someone who has the same value system as you seem to have, you will find yourself quickly abandoned.

Tides turn. Status changes. The fates can be fickle. You can' put a price on a good heart, loyalty, endurance, grace.

I wish i could sticky this post.

mada82

I think your OP has shown why you have been single for so long.

sasta le

Just in my experience women seem to bring this kinda issue up more.Know plenty of good solid guys totally looked down upon once their job or earnings came up or they didn't match a social circle
Someone mentions above a guy bringing it up so it does happen.

listermint

MrWalsh wrote: »

No but I'm the yardstick by which I measure a potential partner as I've no doubt the OP is her own yardstick also.

She has already stated this bothers her. I can relate to it and have outlined why.

Your millionaire friend isn't relevant to the discussion, unless the OP is dating him!

It is well documented that financial problems are in the top list of reasons of marriage break up. It's all very well to be starry eyed and claim money doesn't matter but life in love has practical aspects also.

You completely ignored that posters closing line. I suggest you reread it because it's true.

Life can be tough for some people if they are continually told they are not good enough. The right person and backing can excel people. Youre outlook is quite unfair you know nothing of this guy.

sasta le

Op is the guy good with his finances

MrWalsh

zeffabelli wrote: »

She is mid 30s and despite 8 years of historical evidence to the contrary, believes she can better. Begs the question, why hasn't she?

zeffabelli wrote: »

It always helps to have someone believe in you.

listermint wrote: »

You completely ignored that posters closing line. I suggest you reread it because it's true. .

I read it alright but seems like historical evidence only matters on one side of the equation for that poster (see above).

I wouldn't be interested in applying the second quotes kind of flim flam philosophy to life, life isn't an 80s rock ballad.

And as you seem to have missed the point, I'm not saying that the guy isn't a good guy or there is anything wrong with how he wants to live his life, but it bothers the OP and I understand why. They are not compatible.

Although we talk about the minimum wage, it's really about the lack of trying to progress himself in 20 years. Compounded by having a child to support. A life with someone who isn't interested in bettering their situation above basics wouldn't be very appealing for a lot of people.

zeffabelli

MrWalsh wrote: »

I read it alright but seems like historical evidence only matters on one side of the equation for that poster (see above).

I wouldn't be interested in applying the second quotes kind of flim flam philosophy to life, life isn't an 80s rock ballad.

And as you seem to have missed the point, I'm not saying that the guy isn't a good guy or there is anything wrong with how he wants to live his life, but it bothers the OP and I understand why. They are not compatible.

Although we talk about the minimum wage, it's really about the lack of trying to progress himself in 20 years. Compounded by having a child to support. A life with someone who isn't interested in bettering their situation above basics wouldn't be very appealing for a lot of people.

It's not the criteria that is the problem.

It's the inappropriate pjorative moral stances behind it.

wbt

Better to be honest now about compatibility issues, because they will become serious issues down the line. When I met my last boyfriend, I was mad about him, but I had a niggling doubt about the fact that he wasn't very ambitious. He was very smart and had a good degree, but in a job that didn't even require a degree, living at home, drinking every night with the same gang of mates. He was still pretty young then (26) and I put it down to being young and not having had much life experience. I encouraged him to travel, and he did, but 5 years on, he was still the same person and we ended up breaking up because we just weren't compatible. He's 32 now and exactly the same as he was at 26. I realised that the issue had nothing to do with money or status, but the fact that he had no interest in developing as a person.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok all the 'over and back' goes against our charter: Mature, constructive advice, directed to the OP. Stick to offering advice and move the general discussion somewhere else.

LegacyUser

Op here.

I'm begining to regret posting this thread to be honest. Ive read through all your comments and I'm grateful for your feedback even if some are difficult for me to read. The funny thing is I'm not the arrogant selfish entitled women some posters appear to think I am. I understand that's how I came across but I posted a few days ago when I wasn't feeling the best and maybe it was better that I didnt.

The funny thing is I DO value the qualities that he has, he is kind, considerate and goes out of his way to make me happy. And I really like him ...a lot. In so many ways we are very alike (though I appreciate that may not come across to some people in my original post). Ten years ago I would have always advocated for people give another a chance (although the pressure always appear to be on the woman to do this and not the guy but anyway) and would have had a "twill be grand" attitude. However after a few relationships and friendships where I have always been the one compromising its worn me down to be honest. Despite my long term single status I absolutely believe I have an awful lot to offer, why that hasn't happened I don't know, proabably a lack of confidence and shyness on my part I guess. To the poster who said I don't deserve him, well that's just daft. He deserves the best absolutely but so do I!

The thing is I can overlook the job issue and lack of qualifications. Without going into too much but he has had a multitude of jobs since he left school, 30 plus, some of which he only stayed in for a month. However I do agree that with some help and support a person can take a different direction and can go on to achieve more in their life. If I'm totally honest it's the fact that he a child that is more of an issue for me. Yes he is a great dad and that is something to be admired, I'm not denying that. But the fact he is still has a child which has time, financial and emotional implications for any future relationship. In order to comply with childcare arrangements he has to work weekends so I'm already compromising in that regard. We see each other during the week but it's often late at night which leaves me running late for work the next morning which can't go on either. It's all well and good to say we can work around it but so far it has been at my expense. Also long term I'm worried it might impact on a relationship should we become more serious. I would like children at some stage, if I'm healthy enough and blessed to have them but I worry he might not want the same. He already has his son and might not want more. I've friends who have dated single dads and this was an issue for them. Again I know everyone is different and has different goals and dreams but the issues regarding this type of relationship remain the same, with similar problems cropping up. I guess I had hoped by posting here I would have gotten some more advice from women who were in a similar situation, i.e. Dating a single dad and if it worked out in the long term?

Like I said I really like him, I've missed him a lot over the last couple of days and breaking up with him would really upset me to be honest. I'm not stringing him along, if I had no romantic attachment I would have left him ages ago. I think this is just a case of my heart versus my ego. Maybe I need a kick up the backside and I suspect this is why I posted about it here in the first place.

santana75

wbt wrote: »

I don't think that's very realistic. Lust and being 'in love' fade. In every relationship. Practical stuff like finances often ruins relationships and marriages....it's not really about 'petty financial things'. I wouldn't be compatible with someone who was happy to stay in and watch TV every night and never go on holiday. There's nothing wrong with that lifestyle, it's just not for me.

I'm sorry but real chemistry doesn't fade, its always there. When you have a genuine connection with someone and you yourself are a healthy person, then issues like who earns more or who wants to go on holidays when Dont matter. Its not about lists and things, attraction and real connection aren't quantifiable. That's why internet dating is inherently flawed, because its people reading each others rap sheets and thinking because they both like long walks, earn the same amount of money or both have GSOH, that they're suited. It doesn't work like that, never has and never will.

FactCheck

listermint wrote: »

Life can be tough for some people if they are continually told they are not good enough. The right person and backing can excel people.

That may be. But the absolute last thing the OP should consider doing is staying with him hoping that she can "encourage" (or harangue) her boyfriend into "excelling".

He is who he is, two decades of adulthood and a young child haven't changed him, he's not going to change for her.

So OP you need to decide if your dealbreakers are really dealbreakers or not. The responses you've gotten really seem to rest on whether other people share them. Stepchildren are dealbreakers for some people. Lack of ambition is a dealbreaker for some people.

Personally I'd share some but not all of your dealbreakers and I would not be pursuing this relationship.

I think it depends on your location and social circle but personally I know plenty of well-adjusted people in their mid thirties who aren't divorced and don't already have children. I don't think you're looking for a unicorn here.