Should I write a blog exposing my exes cheating on 3 gf's over 10 years?

LegacyUser

TL;DR Found out 4 weeks ago that my ex bf of 3 months was cruising a lot of sites for hookups with TG/CD/guys. He tells me to f off or insists it didn't happen or that it wasn't cheating when I try to find out why/how many/why cry about being cheated on in previous relationship while you've done the same thing for 10 years to 3 gf's? I want to tag his unique real name to a blog with screenshots including one with face pic (all unedited for3 1/2 years) so that a google of his name will "expose" him. Is this a terrible thing to do?

My ex dumped me out of the blue just before Christmas. It was tough but 3 weeks ago I noticed a random username with a password in capitals next to it in the "username" field on my browser. I googled the username and found a few profiles looking for camsex/hookups/pic swaps with transgender/cross dressers and other guys. The guy part doesn't phase me as I knew he was bi and I'm bi too. The TG and CD.... That is fetishism (IMO) and I don't think it's fair to exploit people like that. The cheating after he;d insisted that he believed in monogamy (after I'd suggested that he might want to explore his bi side with me in tow. He even got angry because he thought it meant I wanted to sleep around!).

I used the password and found messafes sent to guys going back over a year looking for hookup, etc. One of the more recent messages had a reply suggesting another site. I tried that site and found a lot more messages going back at least 2 months (the system erased messages unless you upgraded which he had done 2 months before we broke up). The other sites quickly went to mail or phone so I don't know if he met anyone. This one had him definitely wanting to meet guys in a sex shop and using a pay for booth (eugh!). Not just cam/pic swap.

I emailed him with the screenshots of the messages. He said he hadn't cheated and threatened to get a restraining order if I emailed him again. I've tried to get some clarity on why, how many and how he could lie so much (he cried on my shoulder about an ex who had cheated and then broke up with him, insisted he didn't cheat, nearly gone beserk when he thought he'd seen another nude of his other ex online, etc). Each time he'd tell me to f off, it wasn't cheating or lie and say those messages hadn't happened.

I've been tested for STDs and (thank god!) I'm clear.

Since then he's closed those profiles but I found older ones, changed the password and email and now he can't get in. I've also found classifieds on other sites. All these have evidence of him cheating on his exes and haven't been updated in 3 1/2 years and are up to 10 years old. All the messages talk about hooking up. A few are even in Letterkenny where he would have been visiting his exes parents.

I am so tempted to post screenshots (with his bits scrubbed off) of the x-rated ones, the one that has his face pic and report what I've seen in the messages (I can't screenshot those and share legally) and tag him with his very unique real name so any google of his name will bring the blog up. All (including the one with the face pic) are under the same username and have the same birthdate creating a chain of evidence. I want to do this because I think he's just going to continue lying and hurt other people. Maybe even pass on an STD at some point. Also, if he thinks he's done nothing wrong, he shouldn't have a problem with it being common knowledge.

A few people think this is vindictive but if I wanted to be vindictive, I could get him fired from his job because he takes in and smokes week each day at work, get him arrested for having weed in large enough quantities,,, But that's not what I want.

I want to clear my name. He blamed me for the breakup to all his friends. He said I was being argumentative but he was picking these crazy fights for the last few months of our relationship (no T I wasn't ignoring you, I was going to check the kettle because you thought it was leaking, I didn't slam the door it just fell shut behind me - I'm sorry if it was loud, I don't know what lock you want on the door so we need to talk about it - I'm not trying to p!ss you off by bringing it up) (gr! I thought he was feeling depressed!). If I disagreed with the crazy, he told me I was picking the fight.

So, what do people think?

dudara

To be blunt, this is a highly stupid and immature idea. It could leave you open to legal action against you and will definitely damage your reputation rather than clear it.

This is a knee-jerk reaction to your relationship ending. It is vindictive and petty.

Why did your relationship end?

Penny Tration

Aside from the legal minefield that dudara mentioned -

Wow. Your behaviour is extremely irrational. You've been reading all of his messages on numerous sites, even though you've been broken up for a few months. You're searching for sites to find him on. You're changing his passwords. And now you want to invade his privacy by setting up a blog about him?

Take a step back and think about what you're doing. Your behaviour is downright scary. If I were the ex, and I knew about all of this, I'd be reporting you to the police.

If you continue your behaviour, you could get yourself into serious trouble.

Littlekittylou

Good Lord no.

Be a lady. So you ended up being hurt I am very sorry. Truly I can see and understand why you are justifiably angry with this man.

Leave him move on.

You are only going to make the rumors of you being crazy seem more legitimate. And it's a legal minefield. It's hardly going to make you look good.

Also what about the other 3 GF's feelings? Have you thought of this?? They might be embarrassed.



Don't do it. Be a lady and move on.

He said he hadn't cheated and threatened to get a restraining order if I emailed him again.

Stop harassing him. You are out of control.

You don't have the right to be vengeful. This is not the right thing to do. It's practically cyber stalking.

I want to do this because I think he's just going to continue lying and hurt other people. Maybe even pass on an STD at some point. Also, if he thinks he's done nothing wrong, he shouldn't have a problem with it being common knowledge.

Probably but you are not being a hero here. People will find out eventually what he is really like anyway without you disgracing yourself.


This is stalking. Instead get some help. You will get yourself into legal trouble.

Be a lady and move on.

MistyCheese

Meh, I say write it if you like, I doubt many people would bother reading it. Like 90% of blogs out there.

ElleEm

It seems like you are being driven by all of the anger you have experienced in the past. Your behaviour is completely over the top. It is vindictive and nasty. Yes, what he did was wrong, but he is your EX boyfriend. You really need to stop thinking about him and what he did and move on. His ex girlfriends are also in the past, they don't need to know what he is up to.
It doesn't matter how many times you spin it, these actions would make you look very unstable. You seem to be putting a lot of energy into investigating his online business. You need to shift this to concentrating on yourself. You could definitely benefit from speaking to a professional about this.

El_Duderino 09

I wouldn't recommend doing it. But do it if you think it will make anything better. You'll need to give up any notion of taking the high moral ground if you do it though.

Littlekittylou

MistyCheese wrote: »

Meh, I say write it if you like, I doubt many people would bother reading it. Like 90% of blogs out there.

That's true really this is just to have the maximum effect of upsetting the people involved. That's the point.

And some of them the OP does not know. The gay men and trans people etc. They are people too who have a right to privacy. Their sex lives are no ones business. You are just looking to create a **** storm and create the most amount of emotional damage.

You are emotionally unbalanced. You need someone to help you. It's just a nasty idea.

GaryTLynch

Don't do it, no good can come of it. Rise above it and leave him to it. I understand you're angry and what he did while he was with you was unacceptable. But like other posters have pointed out, you'll be opening up a legal can of worms that will bring you more trouble than it's worth. Also, you'll be setting HIM up as the victim. Like I said, leave him to it because what goes around, comes around.

Pawwed Rig

Wow. OP you need to get some counselling. Your post reads very badly and it seems you have serious issues which have already caused you to break the law in more than one instance. You need to get an independent professional to objectively discuss your behaviour. Best wishes.

Lux23

Don't do it, just be glad you're rid of him,

orthsquel

You want to do something like this:

exposing blogger wrote: »

I want to tag his unique real name to a blog with screenshots including one with face pic (all unedited for3 1/2 years) so that a google of his name will "expose" him. Is this a terrible thing to do?

to achieve this and because of this:

exposing blogger wrote: »

I want to clear my name. He blamed me for the breakup to all his friends.

This is beyond petty and vindictive, this is most likely quite illegal what you are proposing. This isn't going to clear your name, this will MAKE your name but in the Court Report section probably with a photo or two of you in the media.

Regardless of whatever this ex has done, you have NO RIGHT to do what you are proposing, to him, to people he has communicated/hooked up with or to anyone else involved. This is extremely selfish. There are consequences to this, and not just the possibility of YOU being the one exposed on court reports, but the fact that you have no idea how this could effect the lives of others involved and could even perhaps drive a few people involved - your ex too - into depression or even forced into contemplating suicide.

What you are proposing OP is downright wrong, selfish, petty, vindictive and immature and no different than if your ex decided that they were going to upload your sex tape or pictures of you they had in their possession to a porn site or for all to see and be held to ridicule online by the wider online community. Would you feel they had the right to do that? How would you feel if that is what they did? Would you deem that appropriate an action for them to "clear their name" of other people's negative perception of them?

I urge you to take a step back from the internet completely, leave those accounts you have access to alone, and start dealing with picking up the pieces after your relationship has ended, with some help in counselling.

If you really want to "clear your name" with all his/your friends then I suggest that you get on with your life, hold your head high, deal with how you feel about the end of the relationship and move on and you know perhaps without stooping to such a low that you might regret (and which will cost you dearly) your friends might eventually see that maybe you weren't completely to blame for the relationship ending.

Littlekittylou

Regardless of whatever this ex has done, you have NO RIGHT to do what you are proposing, to him, to people he has communicated/hooked up with or to anyone else involved. This is extremely selfish. There are consequences to this, and not just the possibility of YOU being the one exposed on court reports, but the fact that you have no idea how this could effect the lives of others involved and could even perhaps drive a few people involved - your ex too - into depression or even forced into contemplating suicide.

Not to mention the FAMILIES of those people and any children etc being affected. It's very very very wrong.

Dog of Tears

<SNIP> not in line with forum charter and recent forum announcement. Please read before posting again.

dudara

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I think you should put revenge on the back burner till you consider you're own actions to date:

-You have hacked into his online accounts and stolen his pictures.
-You are planning on publishing nude private (stolen) photos of you're ex on the web, there are laws on this in many jurisdictions... revenge porn!! It's despicable behavior no matter how you try to justify it.
-You have told the would about your likely criminal actions and about you're likely criminal plans. I'd imagine any person in you're ex partner's position would have a good shot at preventing you publishing anything after this.

You seem like the kind of nightmare ex that many people have to deal with (stalking, obsessive controlling etc.) , many get out in time... some don't.

Oh ya... and the best revenge is living good anyway:-)

m'lady

As much as a lot of us, (including myself at some point!) Would love to expose a cheating ex to all and sundry you don't for a number of reasons- in your situation as people have pointed out there could be legal issues for you. Just try and move on with your life OP, they aren't worth it.

Holy BoBo

<SNIP> not in line with forum charter and recent forum announcement. Please read before posting again

dudara

Stheno

Agree with those posters saying don't. Your behaviour is irrational

mapaca

You're very hurt and angry at the moment, naturally, you've had two nasty shocks - first the break up and then the discovery of his carrying on behind your back. But honestly, I don't think writing a tell-all blog is going to help anyone, least of all you.

First of all, as others have said, you could be getting yourself in trouble with the law for invading his privacy and the privacy of the people he was messaging.

Secondly, it will make you look like the "crazy ex" to others and this will play right into his hands.

Thirdly, and most importantly, you won't actually feel any better for doing this. All the hurt and anger and heartache will still be there for you to deal with.

You need to find a way to get through this and get your life back together. All this unhealthy obsessing is only hurting you and holding you back. Leave him in the past where he belongs. You can do it. Best of luck with it all.

endacl

You asked if you should take this petty, vindictive, and frankly childish step. The fact that you asked at all implies that you know you shouldn't. Take the good advice you've been given. TBH, if you posted the same thing in the non-existant 'all men are pigs' forum, you'd probably have had the same responses.

There's no good reason to do something so bloody stupid. If you need to vent, buy a diary.

Littlekittylou

I think it's fairly obvious why he broke up with you....

To be honest with that mindset in the OP I would wonder if at least part of it is not terribly twisted or made up totally.

No matter if it were true even. He cheated what do you want for him to be publicly flogged?? You would still have no right to do what you are doing. I can't understand it.

It's a terribly destructive mindset you have.

bjork

3 months broken up? Time to move on.

Do not do this.

dudara

Posters - I would like to remind you of the recent forum announcement about posting considered, constructive advice. Any more one-liner, hard-nosed responses will incur immediate infractions.

dudara

Littlekittylou

OP.

It's clear to me that reading your post, this has consumed a lot of your life for sometime. You keep talking about accounts etc. I would not be able to fathom the amount of mental energy and time that took. Given that it must consume such time and the amount of time it spends in your thoughts. I would imagine you don't have much else going on in your life right now. You need to let this go. Please get help. This is stalking. It's going to be seen as stalking. You will ruin your reputation. You can't be living a fit well life and be thinking THAT much about him and with that much anger.

People can be driven to tremendous amounts of stress and you don't know their limits. Nothing is worth the worst.

It's harassment, it's illegal. You will also be hurting many people you have never even MET before.


Any site will be taken down after awhile. You will be revealed as someone very ill and who needs help. Stalkers simply want to affect those they stalk particularly this type of vengeance stalking.

Now think of the consequences for continuing this behavior on you and your own family. Don't you think this will hurt too many people and yourself?

I think you need professional help. I truly hope you manage to see happier days in your life. This behavior and obsession has brought you to a very dark place.

The_Valeyard

OP,

What he did was very wrong. But do not let this hate consume you, the plan you have suggested is legally dubious and morally repugnant.

It's time to let go and move on with your life. You do not have to forgive or forget but this is damaging your well being. It is eating you up inside and has almost become an obsession.

This is not the person you want to be inside. Anger and hate can make people want to do things to hurt others so they can feel the pain that you 're in.

Let go of him and his cheating ways, you are free from him. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are, do not let the past drag you down.

orthsquel

exposing blogger wrote: »

I want to do this because I think he's just going to continue lying and hurt other people. Maybe even pass on an STD at some point. Also, if he thinks he's done nothing wrong, he shouldn't have a problem with it being common knowledge

Just on this point.... look I've been dumped out of the blue, it hurt like hell, it was very confusing, I never got an explanation and I never got closure. But I found a way to move on and it was certainly not in engaging in something that could be destructive to someone else's life.

You want to protect other people from his lying, cheating behaviour that could be harmful to others, not just emotionally and psychologically but perhaps physically. The fact is, you can't. His behaviour and how he treats others is his responsibility. And that is on his conscience, not yours. Even if he does continue lying and hurting other people, that is for him to deal with with himself, his conscience, his sense of morality, he ultimately will someday have to deal with that guilt. And you're not just trying to protect others..... you are ultimately trying to protect him from realising his conscience, in realising his behaviour the hard way. Deep down he may know what he is doing is wrong, and he might even acknowledge to himself that what he is doing is wrong, but it is up to him to address all that. His behaviour and actions are not your responsibility, they are his and some day he will have to stand and hold himself account to that and take responsibility for it.

If you really want some justice for yourself in how you have been treated, if you really want to clear your name in the eyes of others, the answer really does sit in moving on with your life. Apart from my earlier post which I stand by, proceeding with that plan means your own actions and your own behaviour in doing it will overshadow his actions and his behaviour, just as much as in many ways, his behaviour as outlined in your post (and any sympathy/empathy and comfort that could be otherwise offered to you on the back of how he treated you) is overshadowed by what you are planning on doing.

LegacyUser

OP

Well, looks like the consensus is to not make the blog. I said I was tempted and thinking about it and came on here for opinion. I did not come here expecting to have my sanity questioned. Is nobody questioning his sanity? Why would someone lie to so many girlfriends and insist on monogamy while they're cheating? Illicit sympathy for being cheated on if they were doing the same thing repeatedly? As it is, I suspected it was wrong to publish a blog, now I know it is. Thank you for pointing it out. I wish some of you had had a little more empathy for the situation and hadn't been so harsh and jumping to assumptions. Thank you to the mods for removing the worst of those posts.

To the people who are doubting the validity of this story, he did message a lot of people over 10 years behind girlfriend's backs looking for sex with strangers. I am not making up anything. The doubt you're experiencing without proof is the reason why I'd like to make the blog. Nobody would doubt the "story" if they could see the profiles he created that all have the same username, personal info and explicit photos uploaded for anybody to see and his face pic.

It didn't take much effort to do this. He'd left the username and password on my laptop. All I had to do was google, find sites with a profile with that username and try the password left on my laptop. From what I know of internet law, the accessing of those accounts is a grey area (much like checking a partners text messages or installing a key logger on a shared pc with your partner), once anything is uploaded to a public website there is only a "reasonable" expectation of privacy ("A 1967 ruling by the court created the concept of the expectation of privacy, but further cases determined that the expectation might not exist for information that you knowingly expose to a third party."). There is nothing illegal about compiling evidence and reporting it or newspapers would be out of business. Once a message is shared online, again there is a waiving of privacy. I didn't propose that I'd share the messages and their recipients, just report the contents (much like repeating an overheard conversation in real life). That is not illegal (AFAIK). I would not be uploading private photos that we took together but providing links to profiles with photos that are accessible to anybody and are cached by google so can always be accessed even if they were deleted. Some sites keep any photos uploaded connected to your username even after the account has been deleted (xhamster for instance).

As it stands though, I am happy to not make the blog after reading the more reasonable responses here. I agree that it would be stooping low (but not as low as he did with his lying and putting my sexual health at risk or picking fights so he could have alone time to do all this).

I agree that his behavior is his responsibility. I'm more than happy (in light of your response) to let him do what he will to other people. I am a mess after putting up with months of irrational arguments, violent behavior because I thought he was depressed and then losing my home and my "loyal" partner. I'm pulling myself back together now. Finding out that there was a reason he broke it off was a strange sort of relief. I now know that I couldn't have done anything differently and neither could any of his exes. He broke one exes nose. He broke numerous doors when he felt ignored (the dates usually coincide with sent messages that got no response). Finding out that he's playing the victim and not taking his behavior into account is sickening.

To the harsher responders - How is googling someone and finding their online profiles stalking? Have you ever been cheated on? Did you find out from online activity or a friend telling you? Did you believe the friend until you'd seen proof? Have you ever seen your partner on their phone and felt happy that they were chatting with a friend and then discovered that they were actually trying to arrange a hookup? I hope none of you or your friends ever get deceived like this. I would never and will never get a straight answer from him. Thankfully I have enough internet savvy to find the truth. If I hadn't, there was a chance I could have been walking around with an STD and infected other people. That would have been on him.

I don't know how I'll trust someone in the future. If anyone can help with that instead of suggesting I'm mad, I'd appreciate that.

Penny Tration

People aren't really doubting your story (bar one or two posters).

The reason people are questioning your sanity is because you're essentially stalking somebody who is not a part of your life and longer.

You're trying to compare it to checking a partner's phone or emails. It's not comparable, he is not your partner!

The reason people are questioning your emotional stability is because the searching for accounts, logging in, reading his messages and the contemplating a blog incidents are bonkers, frankly. they're not normal, adult, rational behaviour. They're the behaviour of somebody with some serious issues .How you can try to justify it is beyond me, tbh.

Stheno

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

People aren't really doubting your story (bar one or two posters).

The reason people are questioning your emotional stability is because the searching for accounts, logging in, reading his messages and the contemplating a blog incidents are bonkers, frankly. they're not normal, adult, rational behaviour. They're the behaviour of somebody with some serious issues .How you can try to justify it is beyond me, tbh.

agreed op you come across as obsessed with this persons behaviour

Counselling might be useful to help you get a better perspective and move on

LegacyUser

OP

I'm in therapy. The therapist laughed and said she could understand why I'd want to do this but I should be aware of my reasoning before I did. I haven't posted a blog or even bad mouthed him to any of his co-workers that I have seen since.

I'm not obsessed with him. I haven't stood outside his apartment, I avoid going into the area of town he works in, I even avoid getting on public transport or walking in certain areas when I know he might be going the same way. I have emailed him 15 times about getting my deposit back and money he owes me for other things. It took 15 emails over 3 months to get him to start paying me back after 3 months of empty assurances that he'd start repaying next month and the next and now, finally, he's started. I've emailed him 10 times asking why he cheated and how he could cry about his exes nudes/cheating if he was cheating on them. Each time he tells me to f off/wasn't cheating/didn't happen. I am open to thinking this is obsessive but how would you feel if someone lied to get sympathy from you and then you found out you'd been deceived? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? I think obsessive would be a lot more full on than that. Given his responses and lack of empathy/conscience and the fact that he has done this before and he will probably do this to someone else and maybe it will be you or someone you care about, wouldn't you want to be forewarned?

I don't think 10 emails in 3 months is obsessive. If you were cheated on, would you really just walk away without the need to understand the discrepancy between their words and actions? Can you imagine the moment you found a message sent while you were at your grandfathers' funeral? How poisoned coming home for a hug after that is now that I know that he was cheating while I was away?

Tell me how you and your friends have reacted to being cheated on? Was there cutting up of clothes? People kicked out? Facebook venting? I've done none of that. I've taken being lied to and tried to find a way to negate the lies. I accept that a blog correcting those lies is a bad idea. How do I move on? How do I trust again?

Mr. Incognito

It didn't take much effort to do this. He'd left the username and password on my laptop. All I had to do was google, find sites with a profile with that username and try the password left on my laptop. From what I know of internet law, the accessing of those accounts is a grey area (much like checking a partners text messages or installing a key logger on a shared pc with your partner), once anything is uploaded to a public website there is only a "reasonable" expectation of privacy ("A 1967 ruling by the court created the concept of the expectation of privacy, but further cases determined that the expectation might not exist for information that you knowingly expose to a third party."). There is nothing illegal about compiling evidence and reporting it or newspapers would be out of business. Once a message is shared online, again there is a waiving of privacy. I didn't propose that I'd share the messages and their recipients, just report the contents (much like repeating an overheard conversation in real life). That is not illegal (AFAIK). I would not be uploading private photos that we took together but providing links to profiles with photos that are accessible to anybody and are cached by google so can always be accessed even if they were deleted. Some sites keep any photos uploaded connected to your username even after the account has been deleted (xhamster for instance).

It is very much immoral and illegal and the fact you are even looking this up is disturbing.

You should have deleted his information.

They is no grey area of impersonating someone online, theft of their virtual identity, defamation, breach of copyright posting pictures you do not own. And by the way you are not a newspaper.
They get sued all the time for publishing things.

You may consider your need to seek professional help to move on with your life. Bf of three months ffs. Wasnt even a long term relationship.

catonthewire

For your own dignity stop engaging in this type of behaviour and simply leave the past behind....

Your actions have left you open to legal action, if you go ahead as planned this guy will have nothing further to lose and will probably carry out his threat ....

It's not for me to judge you , but no doubt if the law becomes involved they will....
Is it worth the trauma ?...

Move on, put the whole situation down to experience and leave the guy well alone..

orthsquel

Well I am very glad for you OP that you are not going to go ahead and make that blog.

While I wouldn't want to get into the debate or argument about what is and isn't illegal to post on the internet, you do have to keep in mind that all social media including blogging sites have terms and conditions and content policies including against looking to post content that would be harmful to another person even if they are not users of the site e.g. seeking to humiliate or vilify an individual where you wander the line of defamation, cyber bullying etc and even when you are "reporting on" the conduct of an individual and merely posting links to a 3rd party site, - never mind that posting even indirectly (i.e. by links) nude or pornographic content would be a typical example of a Term of Service violation that can result in content being removed, an IP ban, an obligation on behalf of the website to report the content to the relevant authority even if you reside outside of the country by which the laws of the website are published i.e. even if it's a US company with a US registration you are not immune from prosecution in Ireland - that can be against site terms and conditions and can have legal implications for you offline (see blogger's content policy for example). The media do not escape this either, plenty of times they are in and out of the court for what they publish not adhering to various non-digital laws as well as digital laws, often have to print retractions and apologies, and can only publish material collected within constraints of ethics (especially post 2011 News of the World phone hacking scandal) and certainly would not be permitted to publish a blog even online as to what you were proposing. As for old user accounts, etc, actually you can get cached content deleted, all you need to do is contact Google directly with the URL and search results and they can remove it permanently which was possible actually before the EU right to be forgotten law came into force, and a law you should familiarise yourself with as much of that concept was to provide protection against exactly the short of behaviour you had intended and revenge porn.

If you had gone ahead, got caught and charged with an offence, your ex's behaviour towards you or his other ex's isn't going to be relevant to your offence and no judge is going to excuse your behaviour on the grounds of your ex's behaviour or past behaviours with his ex's. It will be irrelevant and the focus will be on instead on your behaviour regardless as to how it came about. The fact is you don't have the right to even do what you were thinking of, as much as your ex had no right to treat you, or other ex's badly, or in an abusive manner.

People would have seen it as irrational behaviour because you were letting emotion and circumstances dictate your intentions and behaviour rather than your moral compass. I doubt you would normally ever consider such an act of posting that blog any given day of the week before him, would you? It's just the anger and hurt and betrayal you feel getting the better of you and you need to deal with all that emotion in a more productive way that helps you and heals you.

Right now you need focus on yourself and putting your life back together again. You need to deal with the emotion you feel and seek to attain closure on this relationship with yourself but without resorting to behaviour that ultimately will be harmful to others and yourself. Have you friends or family you can talk to about your relationship? People you can let know you are hurting still that can be of support to you? Then let them in about what is going on with the relationship ending, the issue with the house, and how you are struggling with it all.

You will learn to trust someone in the future. But right now you need to be kind to yourself and love yourself and focus on yourself. And you will move on, and you will love yourself and you will find happiness.

Penny Tration

Op, with regards to your latest post -

You emailed him to question him about cheating on average every 9 days. You also emailed him about money on average every week. So, you've emailed him on average, every 4-ish days. On top of going through all of his personal online accounts. That's not normal. You can keep trying to justify it, but it's not. It's harassment. He would be well within his rights to get a protective order or have you charged.

Your therapist told you to think about your reasons for the blog idea. What did she say when you told her you're emailing him every few days?

To answer your questions, yes, I've been cheated on. I didn't throw out his belongings. I didn't rant on Facebook. I retained my dignity, told him it wouldn't work, and walked away. I wept to my sister and mam, then picked myself up and got on with life. Several years down the line, he and I are able to be friends and are both in happy, loving relationships.

Sure, others have more impulsive, irrational reactions, but yours is not impulsive. you're deliberately searching out information on him, emailing him bi-weekly and contemplated making a blog about him. Seriously, how can you think that ANY of this is normal, okay behaviour?

If your therapist thinks it's all okay, you need a new therapist.

LegacyUser

I didn't impersonate him. I haven't sent any messages as him. I haven't changed any part of his online information of his profiles. Defamation of character is LIES about someone. This is verifiable truth. It is a grey area legally me taking his profiles. I am not using them to deceive anyone. Show me any law that says differently. How is the law going to get involved? Will he go to the gards and say that I've hijacked his sex profiles? Emailed him 15 times in 3 months looking for my money back? None of this constitutes stalking or anything else that the gards would take seriously. If he insists on legal action, his actions will come under scrutiny. I'm guessing that he doesn't want that.

I was with him 2 years and we broke up less than 3 months ago.

I have said repeatedly since my first post that I won't publish a blog with any of this.

I have asked for advice on how to trust anyone again. I have asked how anyone here or their friends reacted to being lied to and/or cheated on and asked if it was more severe than the hijacking of a couple of profiles. I've heard stories about people setting fire to clothes when cheated on. Putting their cheating OH's number up on websites to be harassed. I've done nothing but email looking for answers and CONSIDERED posting links to his profiles proving cheating on 3 gf's over 10 years.

tomwaterford

Would you not just walk away and forget the chap....doesn't seem helpful

freshpopcorn

You seem obsessed with your ex. I know lots of people who broken up with people who were cheated on etc.
They were up a et for a bit and got on with there lives. Even the fact you avoid where he work/ttransport he might use. I would consider obsessive.
Get in with your life. If he owes you money contact a solicitor if he refused to pay you you.

LegacyUser

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Op, with regards to your latest post - <SNIP>.

orthsquel wrote: »

Well I am very glad for you OP that you are not going to go ahead and make that blog <SNIP>.

Mod - lengthy post quotes snipped. It's very hard for mobile readers to read large blocks of quoted text.


The emails weren't one offs. More like I'd email him, he'd respond with a wriggling out of responsibility response (to both the money owed and the cheating) and I'd respond and then there'd be some back and forwards. Like an email conversation. This happened 3 or 4 times in all. Not spread out.

I think it's great that you're friends with your ex. I would have liked that (I have that with another ex who cheated on me) but I can't do that without any honesty from him. I couldn't be friends with a friend if they lied to me like this let alone someone who lied about loving me and his opinion on fidelity.

Therapy isn't about telling the client what to do. It's about trying to guide them through themselves.

I didn't know that about blogs. Good thing I decided not to go ahead. That's great about google having to delete cached material but I know that <SNIP> has kept his photos even though his account is deleted.

I don't know about your evaluation of my behavior. I have seen some messy break-ups. I've been stalked by an ex who told me he kept a knife in his bag, left presents for me outside my window. Maybe my take on events has been affected more than I realise by that.

I'm trying to focus on myself but this has knocked me so bad. I've never been so deceived and treated like such a trusting fool. I comforted him when he cried over his ex cheating on him!

Thanks to all for taking the time to respond and discuss this with me.

BD45

I say go for it. Expose the pervert.

LegacyUser

OP
@littlekittylou
I don't think he's reading this. He's not a boards.ie fan. He prefers the sites with anonymous posting. (not a dig just a fact)

Thanks for the advice about discriminating (weird to say it in a positive manner). It was just what I needed.

I can understand that crazy behavior makes someone look crazy. I sort of needed to have a discussion about this. Putting it up here and opening it to discussion has helped me a lot.

I hadn't looked at it from the side of not taking responsibility for my actions and blaming my reactions on his behavior. Thanks for pointing it out.

I hope I can learn "You don't learn trust you learn better discrimination. You now expect high levels of integrity and less BS from a guy."

Thanks again to all who have responded and helped me get through this stage.

LegacyUser

OP

BD45 wrote: »

I say go for it. Expose the pervert.

I've changed my mind but why would you advocate him being exposed?

Penny Tration

Op, your response in response to littlekittyloulou is really good to read. You seem much more composed and rational right now.

Now, for your own sake, cut contact, and do not look at his profiles. You're torturing yourself.

Best of luck.

BD45

exposing blogger wrote: »

OP



I've changed my mind but why would you advocate him being exposed?

Because he's a cheater and a pervert and he should learn that he can't get away with this. The main worry is that he may have infected his exes with stds. You also have to consider that he may have exposed you to hiv. I know you tested clean but it takes time before hiv can be detected. Sorry if I'm freaking you out. Hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

OP

Lilttlekittylou's post seems to have vanished at least for me? It was very good. Posted at 1705...

@JennyThalia Thanks. I will cut contact. Just have to sort out a few more things before I can (money repaying and stuff). I installed snapchat last night and saw that he was on it and it made my blood boil (it seems to be used as a sex pic site quite a bit) (I installed it out of curiosity yesterday). I'm looking forward to being able to delete his number and other info for good now so I don't see that he's installed stuff.

@BD45 If there was a happy medium between posting a blog and doing nothing, I'd do it but there isn't. Walking around talking sh!t about him would be insane (I thought that even before posting here).

Semele

OP, my guess is that you feel so hurt and humiliated. I really feel for you. It's so easy to find ways to avoid having to feel those feelings: be it anger, desire for retribution, constant analysis of WHY...

But none of that would help. You need to sit with those feelings, alone, with a friend or with a therapist, and get through them. Only then will you get to a point where it is genuinely behind you. We avoid what feels painful or unbearable, but that only postpones or adds to problems. You know the saying "the only way out is through"?. I've found that really helpful in times of heartache and I suggest you try to engage with your feelings and get the out in the least destructive way you find. Lots of love.xx

Neyite

OP, I understand what it's like to break up and subsequently find out things about your ex that knock you sideways and make you wonder if the entire relationship was a farce.

It makes you angry. And when they weasel out of giving you the truth again, it can make you angrier. And when you hear that YOU are being portrayed as the crazy ex, to mutual acquaintances it can be enraging and you feel helpless and furious that you are hurting and he appears to be coming up smelling of roses.

You found out a lot of things. But there are only a few that really matter: He is a liar and a cheat. He will never tell you the truth about the cheating because he is a liar. He will never stop lying because he is a serial cheat. He has proven to go to any lengths to lie, and what really hurts, is that he doesn't care about you a bit. That maybe he never did. That is what is giving you pain right now.

By asking him about cheating, about lies, its handing him back the power to hurt you every single time, along with your dignity. By trying to publicly humiliate him, you are giving him the perfect opportunity to point to your actions and say 'See? Told you she was the crazy one, didn't I?

You will heal from this, will go on to meet someone who is honest, loyal, and trustworthy. He never will. He will never meet someone he can trust, because he knows that he cant be trusted. And if you cant trust yourself, you will never trust others. He could meet the woman of his dreams, The One, and either live a lie hoping she never finds out how ugly the real him is, or by getting up to his old tricks and losing her in the process for good.

In time you'll see that the best revenge is your own happiness. I know that my ex would love to have the happy home life I have with my partner and child. But its beyond him - his nature is to lie and to cheat and be abusive to others and so could never create that with someone. That's my revenge.

The best way that you can escape the 'crazy ex' tag is to totally walk away. No more contact - don't give him the oxygen. Don't badmouth him to people you both know. They don't care, and if they tell you things that hurt you, its to get a reaction for their own entertainment or to feed it back to him. Continue working with your therapist, avoid mutual friends for a little while, instead of writing blogs or emails or texts, get yourself a journal and write it in that - everything you want to say to him, to people who support him, poor fools, or in general. And when you get to the point that you realise he is in your past and you no longer care are no longer angry, you can hold a ceremonial burning of the journal.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, Neyite makes a very valid point: People don't care. People don't care what he says about you. People don't care what you say about him. People have enough going on in their own lives to care about someone else's breakup. And in breakups there's always a bit of he said/she said. Some people enjoy listening to the stories for their own entertainment, but beyond that they tend to not care.

There was an article on one of the morning programs last week about getting revenge on exes. There were all the usual, cutting up their clothes, smashing up their favourite things etc. Reasonable people admitted to snapping and doing unreasonable things. The advice given was so simple and so obvious. By getting revenge you are letting your ex know that they still matter. You still care. They still bother you. They still affect your life.

As Neyite also says, the best you can do for yourself and the thing that will have the biggest impact on him, is to move on. Show him that you don't care. Show him that he no longer has any impact on you. You met a bad 'un! Believe it or not they are rarer than you'd believe. They majority of lads are nothing like that, and you know that.

Move on. Pretend you don't care, and eventually you won't care.

Dellnum

Your biggest feeling of satisfaction has to be that you found out what this guy was up to and you now realize that he isn't for you. Your best course of action is to never speak with him again. Never ask him again for any reasons why. He will never tell you the truth and the reason why you were treated like this is because you are too good for him and he is a snake. Do not speak about him to others either. You know and he knows what he did and that is all that concerns you. Let others find out for themselves, they might even find out quicker than you did. Silence is golden and it also speaks volumes. It is the best way to show that you don't care now about him anymore. You are hurt, of course you are, but nothing you say or do is going to undo what happened to you. Just take a deep breath and realize that you are in the lucky position now that you know you are well rid of this guy. You don't need to check on him anymore, you now know the truth.

LegacyUser

Understandably you feel betrayed.

It appears to me that on a superficial reading this could look like revenge to others, but what it looks like is perverted course of seeking empathy. You want others to feel what you felt, perhaps you want your perpetrator to know how it feels. Sometimes we confuse discipline with teaching. Discipline means to "teach" not to punish.

Taking this approach will not inspire empathy in him. One way to try to free yourself is the force yourself into empathising with him....hard to do....why did he cheat? why did he lie?

The person who deals the wound doesn't always heal the wound.

This will take a long time to work through, but if you follow what you are planning to do here, you will unfold a series of betrayals and traumas you cannot control or foresee.

Do not do ANYTHING legally dubious or in grey areas. Just DON"T. Cheating is not a criminal offense, harrassment however is.

This is a time to be selfish, in other words focus on you, not him. When you think of him or what you want to do to him, do something self focused, like put on make up, get a massage, anything.

A good book on betrayal and trauma is "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes.