Should I write a blog exposing my exes cheating on 3 gf's over 10 years?

LegacyUser

TL;DR Found out 4 weeks ago that my ex bf of 3 months was cruising a lot of sites for hookups with TG/CD/guys. He tells me to f off or insists it didn't happen or that it wasn't cheating when I try to find out why/how many/why cry about being cheated on in previous relationship while you've done the same thing for 10 years to 3 gf's? I want to tag his unique real name to a blog with screenshots including one with face pic (all unedited for3 1/2 years) so that a google of his name will "expose" him. Is this a terrible thing to do?

My ex dumped me out of the blue just before Christmas. It was tough but 3 weeks ago I noticed a random username with a password in capitals next to it in the "username" field on my browser. I googled the username and found a few profiles looking for camsex/hookups/pic swaps with transgender/cross dressers and other guys. The guy part doesn't phase me as I knew he was bi and I'm bi too. The TG and CD.... That is fetishism (IMO) and I don't think it's fair to exploit people like that. The cheating after he;d insisted that he believed in monogamy (after I'd suggested that he might want to explore his bi side with me in tow. He even got angry because he thought it meant I wanted to sleep around!).

I used the password and found messafes sent to guys going back over a year looking for hookup, etc. One of the more recent messages had a reply suggesting another site. I tried that site and found a lot more messages going back at least 2 months (the system erased messages unless you upgraded which he had done 2 months before we broke up). The other sites quickly went to mail or phone so I don't know if he met anyone. This one had him definitely wanting to meet guys in a sex shop and using a pay for booth (eugh!). Not just cam/pic swap.

I emailed him with the screenshots of the messages. He said he hadn't cheated and threatened to get a restraining order if I emailed him again. I've tried to get some clarity on why, how many and how he could lie so much (he cried on my shoulder about an ex who had cheated and then broke up with him, insisted he didn't cheat, nearly gone beserk when he thought he'd seen another nude of his other ex online, etc). Each time he'd tell me to f off, it wasn't cheating or lie and say those messages hadn't happened.

I've been tested for STDs and (thank god!) I'm clear.

Since then he's closed those profiles but I found older ones, changed the password and email and now he can't get in. I've also found classifieds on other sites. All these have evidence of him cheating on his exes and haven't been updated in 3 1/2 years and are up to 10 years old. All the messages talk about hooking up. A few are even in Letterkenny where he would have been visiting his exes parents.

I am so tempted to post screenshots (with his bits scrubbed off) of the x-rated ones, the one that has his face pic and report what I've seen in the messages (I can't screenshot those and share legally) and tag him with his very unique real name so any google of his name will bring the blog up. All (including the one with the face pic) are under the same username and have the same birthdate creating a chain of evidence. I want to do this because I think he's just going to continue lying and hurt other people. Maybe even pass on an STD at some point. Also, if he thinks he's done nothing wrong, he shouldn't have a problem with it being common knowledge.

A few people think this is vindictive but if I wanted to be vindictive, I could get him fired from his job because he takes in and smokes week each day at work, get him arrested for having weed in large enough quantities,,, But that's not what I want.

I want to clear my name. He blamed me for the breakup to all his friends. He said I was being argumentative but he was picking these crazy fights for the last few months of our relationship (no T I wasn't ignoring you, I was going to check the kettle because you thought it was leaking, I didn't slam the door it just fell shut behind me - I'm sorry if it was loud, I don't know what lock you want on the door so we need to talk about it - I'm not trying to p!ss you off by bringing it up) (gr! I thought he was feeling depressed!). If I disagreed with the crazy, he told me I was picking the fight.

So, what do people think?

dudara

To be blunt, this is a highly stupid and immature idea. It could leave you open to legal action against you and will definitely damage your reputation rather than clear it.

This is a knee-jerk reaction to your relationship ending. It is vindictive and petty.

Why did your relationship end?

Penny Tration

Aside from the legal minefield that dudara mentioned -

Wow. Your behaviour is extremely irrational. You've been reading all of his messages on numerous sites, even though you've been broken up for a few months. You're searching for sites to find him on. You're changing his passwords. And now you want to invade his privacy by setting up a blog about him?

Take a step back and think about what you're doing. Your behaviour is downright scary. If I were the ex, and I knew about all of this, I'd be reporting you to the police.

If you continue your behaviour, you could get yourself into serious trouble.

Littlekittylou

Good Lord no.

Be a lady. So you ended up being hurt I am very sorry. Truly I can see and understand why you are justifiably angry with this man.

Leave him move on.

You are only going to make the rumors of you being crazy seem more legitimate. And it's a legal minefield. It's hardly going to make you look good.

Also what about the other 3 GF's feelings? Have you thought of this?? They might be embarrassed.



Don't do it. Be a lady and move on.

He said he hadn't cheated and threatened to get a restraining order if I emailed him again.

Stop harassing him. You are out of control.

You don't have the right to be vengeful. This is not the right thing to do. It's practically cyber stalking.

I want to do this because I think he's just going to continue lying and hurt other people. Maybe even pass on an STD at some point. Also, if he thinks he's done nothing wrong, he shouldn't have a problem with it being common knowledge.

Probably but you are not being a hero here. People will find out eventually what he is really like anyway without you disgracing yourself.


This is stalking. Instead get some help. You will get yourself into legal trouble.

Be a lady and move on.

MistyCheese

Meh, I say write it if you like, I doubt many people would bother reading it. Like 90% of blogs out there.

ElleEm

It seems like you are being driven by all of the anger you have experienced in the past. Your behaviour is completely over the top. It is vindictive and nasty. Yes, what he did was wrong, but he is your EX boyfriend. You really need to stop thinking about him and what he did and move on. His ex girlfriends are also in the past, they don't need to know what he is up to.
It doesn't matter how many times you spin it, these actions would make you look very unstable. You seem to be putting a lot of energy into investigating his online business. You need to shift this to concentrating on yourself. You could definitely benefit from speaking to a professional about this.

El_Duderino 09

I wouldn't recommend doing it. But do it if you think it will make anything better. You'll need to give up any notion of taking the high moral ground if you do it though.

Littlekittylou

MistyCheese wrote: »

Meh, I say write it if you like, I doubt many people would bother reading it. Like 90% of blogs out there.

That's true really this is just to have the maximum effect of upsetting the people involved. That's the point.

And some of them the OP does not know. The gay men and trans people etc. They are people too who have a right to privacy. Their sex lives are no ones business. You are just looking to create a **** storm and create the most amount of emotional damage.

You are emotionally unbalanced. You need someone to help you. It's just a nasty idea.

GaryTLynch

Don't do it, no good can come of it. Rise above it and leave him to it. I understand you're angry and what he did while he was with you was unacceptable. But like other posters have pointed out, you'll be opening up a legal can of worms that will bring you more trouble than it's worth. Also, you'll be setting HIM up as the victim. Like I said, leave him to it because what goes around, comes around.

Pawwed Rig

Wow. OP you need to get some counselling. Your post reads very badly and it seems you have serious issues which have already caused you to break the law in more than one instance. You need to get an independent professional to objectively discuss your behaviour. Best wishes.

Lux23

Don't do it, just be glad you're rid of him,

orthsquel

You want to do something like this:

exposing blogger wrote: »

I want to tag his unique real name to a blog with screenshots including one with face pic (all unedited for3 1/2 years) so that a google of his name will "expose" him. Is this a terrible thing to do?

to achieve this and because of this:

exposing blogger wrote: »

I want to clear my name. He blamed me for the breakup to all his friends.

This is beyond petty and vindictive, this is most likely quite illegal what you are proposing. This isn't going to clear your name, this will MAKE your name but in the Court Report section probably with a photo or two of you in the media.

Regardless of whatever this ex has done, you have NO RIGHT to do what you are proposing, to him, to people he has communicated/hooked up with or to anyone else involved. This is extremely selfish. There are consequences to this, and not just the possibility of YOU being the one exposed on court reports, but the fact that you have no idea how this could effect the lives of others involved and could even perhaps drive a few people involved - your ex too - into depression or even forced into contemplating suicide.

What you are proposing OP is downright wrong, selfish, petty, vindictive and immature and no different than if your ex decided that they were going to upload your sex tape or pictures of you they had in their possession to a porn site or for all to see and be held to ridicule online by the wider online community. Would you feel they had the right to do that? How would you feel if that is what they did? Would you deem that appropriate an action for them to "clear their name" of other people's negative perception of them?

I urge you to take a step back from the internet completely, leave those accounts you have access to alone, and start dealing with picking up the pieces after your relationship has ended, with some help in counselling.

If you really want to "clear your name" with all his/your friends then I suggest that you get on with your life, hold your head high, deal with how you feel about the end of the relationship and move on and you know perhaps without stooping to such a low that you might regret (and which will cost you dearly) your friends might eventually see that maybe you weren't completely to blame for the relationship ending.

Littlekittylou

Regardless of whatever this ex has done, you have NO RIGHT to do what you are proposing, to him, to people he has communicated/hooked up with or to anyone else involved. This is extremely selfish. There are consequences to this, and not just the possibility of YOU being the one exposed on court reports, but the fact that you have no idea how this could effect the lives of others involved and could even perhaps drive a few people involved - your ex too - into depression or even forced into contemplating suicide.

Not to mention the FAMILIES of those people and any children etc being affected. It's very very very wrong.

Dog of Tears

<SNIP> not in line with forum charter and recent forum announcement. Please read before posting again.

dudara

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I think you should put revenge on the back burner till you consider you're own actions to date:

-You have hacked into his online accounts and stolen his pictures.
-You are planning on publishing nude private (stolen) photos of you're ex on the web, there are laws on this in many jurisdictions... revenge porn!! It's despicable behavior no matter how you try to justify it.
-You have told the would about your likely criminal actions and about you're likely criminal plans. I'd imagine any person in you're ex partner's position would have a good shot at preventing you publishing anything after this.

You seem like the kind of nightmare ex that many people have to deal with (stalking, obsessive controlling etc.) , many get out in time... some don't.

Oh ya... and the best revenge is living good anyway:-)

m'lady

As much as a lot of us, (including myself at some point!) Would love to expose a cheating ex to all and sundry you don't for a number of reasons- in your situation as people have pointed out there could be legal issues for you. Just try and move on with your life OP, they aren't worth it.

Holy BoBo

<SNIP> not in line with forum charter and recent forum announcement. Please read before posting again

dudara

Stheno

Agree with those posters saying don't. Your behaviour is irrational

mapaca

You're very hurt and angry at the moment, naturally, you've had two nasty shocks - first the break up and then the discovery of his carrying on behind your back. But honestly, I don't think writing a tell-all blog is going to help anyone, least of all you.

First of all, as others have said, you could be getting yourself in trouble with the law for invading his privacy and the privacy of the people he was messaging.

Secondly, it will make you look like the "crazy ex" to others and this will play right into his hands.

Thirdly, and most importantly, you won't actually feel any better for doing this. All the hurt and anger and heartache will still be there for you to deal with.

You need to find a way to get through this and get your life back together. All this unhealthy obsessing is only hurting you and holding you back. Leave him in the past where he belongs. You can do it. Best of luck with it all.

endacl

You asked if you should take this petty, vindictive, and frankly childish step. The fact that you asked at all implies that you know you shouldn't. Take the good advice you've been given. TBH, if you posted the same thing in the non-existant 'all men are pigs' forum, you'd probably have had the same responses.

There's no good reason to do something so bloody stupid. If you need to vent, buy a diary.

Littlekittylou

I think it's fairly obvious why he broke up with you....

To be honest with that mindset in the OP I would wonder if at least part of it is not terribly twisted or made up totally.

No matter if it were true even. He cheated what do you want for him to be publicly flogged?? You would still have no right to do what you are doing. I can't understand it.

It's a terribly destructive mindset you have.

bjork

3 months broken up? Time to move on.

Do not do this.

dudara

Posters - I would like to remind you of the recent forum announcement about posting considered, constructive advice. Any more one-liner, hard-nosed responses will incur immediate infractions.

dudara

Littlekittylou

OP.

It's clear to me that reading your post, this has consumed a lot of your life for sometime. You keep talking about accounts etc. I would not be able to fathom the amount of mental energy and time that took. Given that it must consume such time and the amount of time it spends in your thoughts. I would imagine you don't have much else going on in your life right now. You need to let this go. Please get help. This is stalking. It's going to be seen as stalking. You will ruin your reputation. You can't be living a fit well life and be thinking THAT much about him and with that much anger.

People can be driven to tremendous amounts of stress and you don't know their limits. Nothing is worth the worst.

It's harassment, it's illegal. You will also be hurting many people you have never even MET before.


Any site will be taken down after awhile. You will be revealed as someone very ill and who needs help. Stalkers simply want to affect those they stalk particularly this type of vengeance stalking.

Now think of the consequences for continuing this behavior on you and your own family. Don't you think this will hurt too many people and yourself?

I think you need professional help. I truly hope you manage to see happier days in your life. This behavior and obsession has brought you to a very dark place.

The_Valeyard

OP,

What he did was very wrong. But do not let this hate consume you, the plan you have suggested is legally dubious and morally repugnant.

It's time to let go and move on with your life. You do not have to forgive or forget but this is damaging your well being. It is eating you up inside and has almost become an obsession.

This is not the person you want to be inside. Anger and hate can make people want to do things to hurt others so they can feel the pain that you 're in.

Let go of him and his cheating ways, you are free from him. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are, do not let the past drag you down.

orthsquel

exposing blogger wrote: »

I want to do this because I think he's just going to continue lying and hurt other people. Maybe even pass on an STD at some point. Also, if he thinks he's done nothing wrong, he shouldn't have a problem with it being common knowledge

Just on this point.... look I've been dumped out of the blue, it hurt like hell, it was very confusing, I never got an explanation and I never got closure. But I found a way to move on and it was certainly not in engaging in something that could be destructive to someone else's life.

You want to protect other people from his lying, cheating behaviour that could be harmful to others, not just emotionally and psychologically but perhaps physically. The fact is, you can't. His behaviour and how he treats others is his responsibility. And that is on his conscience, not yours. Even if he does continue lying and hurting other people, that is for him to deal with with himself, his conscience, his sense of morality, he ultimately will someday have to deal with that guilt. And you're not just trying to protect others..... you are ultimately trying to protect him from realising his conscience, in realising his behaviour the hard way. Deep down he may know what he is doing is wrong, and he might even acknowledge to himself that what he is doing is wrong, but it is up to him to address all that. His behaviour and actions are not your responsibility, they are his and some day he will have to stand and hold himself account to that and take responsibility for it.

If you really want some justice for yourself in how you have been treated, if you really want to clear your name in the eyes of others, the answer really does sit in moving on with your life. Apart from my earlier post which I stand by, proceeding with that plan means your own actions and your own behaviour in doing it will overshadow his actions and his behaviour, just as much as in many ways, his behaviour as outlined in your post (and any sympathy/empathy and comfort that could be otherwise offered to you on the back of how he treated you) is overshadowed by what you are planning on doing.

LegacyUser

OP

Well, looks like the consensus is to not make the blog. I said I was tempted and thinking about it and came on here for opinion. I did not come here expecting to have my sanity questioned. Is nobody questioning his sanity? Why would someone lie to so many girlfriends and insist on monogamy while they're cheating? Illicit sympathy for being cheated on if they were doing the same thing repeatedly? As it is, I suspected it was wrong to publish a blog, now I know it is. Thank you for pointing it out. I wish some of you had had a little more empathy for the situation and hadn't been so harsh and jumping to assumptions. Thank you to the mods for removing the worst of those posts.

To the people who are doubting the validity of this story, he did message a lot of people over 10 years behind girlfriend's backs looking for sex with strangers. I am not making up anything. The doubt you're experiencing without proof is the reason why I'd like to make the blog. Nobody would doubt the "story" if they could see the profiles he created that all have the same username, personal info and explicit photos uploaded for anybody to see and his face pic.

It didn't take much effort to do this. He'd left the username and password on my laptop. All I had to do was google, find sites with a profile with that username and try the password left on my laptop. From what I know of internet law, the accessing of those accounts is a grey area (much like checking a partners text messages or installing a key logger on a shared pc with your partner), once anything is uploaded to a public website there is only a "reasonable" expectation of privacy ("A 1967 ruling by the court created the concept of the expectation of privacy, but further cases determined that the expectation might not exist for information that you knowingly expose to a third party."). There is nothing illegal about compiling evidence and reporting it or newspapers would be out of business. Once a message is shared online, again there is a waiving of privacy. I didn't propose that I'd share the messages and their recipients, just report the contents (much like repeating an overheard conversation in real life). That is not illegal (AFAIK). I would not be uploading private photos that we took together but providing links to profiles with photos that are accessible to anybody and are cached by google so can always be accessed even if they were deleted. Some sites keep any photos uploaded connected to your username even after the account has been deleted (xhamster for instance).

As it stands though, I am happy to not make the blog after reading the more reasonable responses here. I agree that it would be stooping low (but not as low as he did with his lying and putting my sexual health at risk or picking fights so he could have alone time to do all this).

I agree that his behavior is his responsibility. I'm more than happy (in light of your response) to let him do what he will to other people. I am a mess after putting up with months of irrational arguments, violent behavior because I thought he was depressed and then losing my home and my "loyal" partner. I'm pulling myself back together now. Finding out that there was a reason he broke it off was a strange sort of relief. I now know that I couldn't have done anything differently and neither could any of his exes. He broke one exes nose. He broke numerous doors when he felt ignored (the dates usually coincide with sent messages that got no response). Finding out that he's playing the victim and not taking his behavior into account is sickening.

To the harsher responders - How is googling someone and finding their online profiles stalking? Have you ever been cheated on? Did you find out from online activity or a friend telling you? Did you believe the friend until you'd seen proof? Have you ever seen your partner on their phone and felt happy that they were chatting with a friend and then discovered that they were actually trying to arrange a hookup? I hope none of you or your friends ever get deceived like this. I would never and will never get a straight answer from him. Thankfully I have enough internet savvy to find the truth. If I hadn't, there was a chance I could have been walking around with an STD and infected other people. That would have been on him.

I don't know how I'll trust someone in the future. If anyone can help with that instead of suggesting I'm mad, I'd appreciate that.

Penny Tration

People aren't really doubting your story (bar one or two posters).

The reason people are questioning your sanity is because you're essentially stalking somebody who is not a part of your life and longer.

You're trying to compare it to checking a partner's phone or emails. It's not comparable, he is not your partner!

The reason people are questioning your emotional stability is because the searching for accounts, logging in, reading his messages and the contemplating a blog incidents are bonkers, frankly. they're not normal, adult, rational behaviour. They're the behaviour of somebody with some serious issues .How you can try to justify it is beyond me, tbh.

Stheno

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

People aren't really doubting your story (bar one or two posters).

The reason people are questioning your emotional stability is because the searching for accounts, logging in, reading his messages and the contemplating a blog incidents are bonkers, frankly. they're not normal, adult, rational behaviour. They're the behaviour of somebody with some serious issues .How you can try to justify it is beyond me, tbh.

agreed op you come across as obsessed with this persons behaviour

Counselling might be useful to help you get a better perspective and move on

LegacyUser

OP

I'm in therapy. The therapist laughed and said she could understand why I'd want to do this but I should be aware of my reasoning before I did. I haven't posted a blog or even bad mouthed him to any of his co-workers that I have seen since.

I'm not obsessed with him. I haven't stood outside his apartment, I avoid going into the area of town he works in, I even avoid getting on public transport or walking in certain areas when I know he might be going the same way. I have emailed him 15 times about getting my deposit back and money he owes me for other things. It took 15 emails over 3 months to get him to start paying me back after 3 months of empty assurances that he'd start repaying next month and the next and now, finally, he's started. I've emailed him 10 times asking why he cheated and how he could cry about his exes nudes/cheating if he was cheating on them. Each time he tells me to f off/wasn't cheating/didn't happen. I am open to thinking this is obsessive but how would you feel if someone lied to get sympathy from you and then you found out you'd been deceived? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? I think obsessive would be a lot more full on than that. Given his responses and lack of empathy/conscience and the fact that he has done this before and he will probably do this to someone else and maybe it will be you or someone you care about, wouldn't you want to be forewarned?

I don't think 10 emails in 3 months is obsessive. If you were cheated on, would you really just walk away without the need to understand the discrepancy between their words and actions? Can you imagine the moment you found a message sent while you were at your grandfathers' funeral? How poisoned coming home for a hug after that is now that I know that he was cheating while I was away?

Tell me how you and your friends have reacted to being cheated on? Was there cutting up of clothes? People kicked out? Facebook venting? I've done none of that. I've taken being lied to and tried to find a way to negate the lies. I accept that a blog correcting those lies is a bad idea. How do I move on? How do I trust again?

Mr. Incognito

It didn't take much effort to do this. He'd left the username and password on my laptop. All I had to do was google, find sites with a profile with that username and try the password left on my laptop. From what I know of internet law, the accessing of those accounts is a grey area (much like checking a partners text messages or installing a key logger on a shared pc with your partner), once anything is uploaded to a public website there is only a "reasonable" expectation of privacy ("A 1967 ruling by the court created the concept of the expectation of privacy, but further cases determined that the expectation might not exist for information that you knowingly expose to a third party."). There is nothing illegal about compiling evidence and reporting it or newspapers would be out of business. Once a message is shared online, again there is a waiving of privacy. I didn't propose that I'd share the messages and their recipients, just report the contents (much like repeating an overheard conversation in real life). That is not illegal (AFAIK). I would not be uploading private photos that we took together but providing links to profiles with photos that are accessible to anybody and are cached by google so can always be accessed even if they were deleted. Some sites keep any photos uploaded connected to your username even after the account has been deleted (xhamster for instance).

It is very much immoral and illegal and the fact you are even looking this up is disturbing.

You should have deleted his information.

They is no grey area of impersonating someone online, theft of their virtual identity, defamation, breach of copyright posting pictures you do not own. And by the way you are not a newspaper.
They get sued all the time for publishing things.

You may consider your need to seek professional help to move on with your life. Bf of three months ffs. Wasnt even a long term relationship.