Ugly Truth

LegacyUser

My girlfriend asked me if I thought that she was the best looking girl in the world. To me that felt like she was leading me with the question, and there was only one answer that she wanted to hear, so I said Yes. I do think that my girlfriend is very beautiful and feel I am very lucky to be with her, and I would never be tempted to stray no matter who came onto the scene.

Anyway, she did not believe me when I answered Yes. She kept pushing me for days, and weeks, asking the same question and each time I would tell her the same answer but she would always say she doesn’t believe me and ask me if I thought she was better looking than such and such a celebrity! She told me that she doesn’t want BS, just the brutal honest truth. I told her that people don’t ask for brutal honest truth, because they don’t need to hear it. I certainly don’t want to know what she really thinks of my physical imperfections, I’m just happy that she can see past them.

She pushed and pushed and eventually I gave in and admitted that of course there would be other girls in this world who would be better looking, the same way that there are better looking men than me. She did not like this answer (as I knew from the start she wouldn’t) and then starting asking if I thought there were better looking girls at work, or if I see any when we’re out and about shopping. She demanded that I be honest, and no white lies, so said yes, there would be.

She says she is now heart-broken. I didn’t say these things to her though, she dragged those answers out of me, and I never wanted to say them in the first place. She then proceeded to point out all of my physical imperfections and say a lot of hurtful things about me.

I would like to know what people think about this. This feels like such an abnormal situation to be in, and it never should have happened in the first place. My girlfriend wants me to take back what I said. She says that if I think that anybody is better looking than her, then I am either: a) insecure, desperate and don’t think I can do any better, or b) still searching for a better looking girl and waiting for the right opportunity to move on to her!

I think that my girlfriend is completely in the wrong in all of this, but she is adamant that it is me who is in the wrong, and when faced with this every day, I’m beginning to doubt myself. I would appreciate some third party advice/opinions. Was I in the wrong? Should I have kept lying? Am I a bad person for thinking the way I did in the first place?

strobe

Turk1980 wrote: »

[...]
She says she is now heart-broken. I didn’t say these things to her though, she dragged those answers out of me, and I never wanted to say them in the first place. She then proceeded to point out all of my physical imperfections and say a lot of hurtful things about me[...]

What? Ah man, no, this one's not for keeping. Dump her.

actuar90

Turk1980 wrote: »

<Mod snip - no need to quote full post, impact mobile posters>

You should have kept avoiding the question tbh, but if she forced it out of you then over a long period of time, she's definitely in the wrong

Dog of Tears

Count yourself lucky you found out she was all kinds of crazy, needy and self-obsessed - with a serious Princess complex.

Dump her.

bee06

Your girlfriend is being so childish. She knew when she asked you that question there was no right answer but she pushed you and pushed you for an answer just to start a fight.

ColeTrain

She sounds like an insecure child to be honest.

December2012

She set you up.

She badgered you and badgered you and ultimately asked a question that she claimed to be able to handle but couldn't.

It is very childish and immature of her. And to be honest that would put me right off anybody's appearance.

IlmoNT4

She sounds very young or just unhinged...

That makes no sense at all.... honestly OP, its very childish, I think I'd probably break up with someone over that..it shows a real lack of self awareness and a lot of insecurity. She hasnt given your feelings much thought annoying you for an answer she wanted to hear but then cant deal with it.

The lady has some issues I think, what age is she?

Stavro Mueller

What age is your girlfriend? Or should I ask, what is her mental age? The last time I heard someone female saying something like this was in the playground in primary school. What is she like normally? Is she immature for her age and generally a bit needy and insecure? Someone who throws a tantrum when she doesn't get her own way. I find it hard to believe that your average well-balanced adult would come out with a question like this in the first place. Really, even if you take back what you said in order to have a quiet life, the damage is done.

giggle84

Dog of Tears wrote: »

Count yourself lucky you found out she was all kinds of crazy, needy and self-obsessed - with a serious Princess complex.

Dump her.

This.

I mean what the absolute <SNIP>?! This is one of the craziest things I've read on here OP and that's saying something. I really don't see how this situation can get any better, she won't be satisfied with any answer you give her.

Do you really need this much drama in your life every single day?!

kylith

If you stay with her she will use this as a stick to beat you with in every argument. Get out. Get out quickly.

Phonehead

giggle84 wrote: »

This.

I mean what the absolute <SNIP>?! This is one of the craziest things I've read on here OP and that's saying something. I really don't see how this situation can get any better, she won't be satisfied with any answer you give her.

Do you really need this much drama in your life every single day?!

THIS 100% this, seriously she sounds extreme high maintenance and so superficial that she'll drop you for a better model (in her opinion) at the drop of a hat.

seenitall

Hi OP,

you may not be looking around for somebody else, but I'll tell you what, you really should be. After getting rid of the insecure and needy head-wrecker you described on here, of course.

Have you noticed that nothing you say is the right answer to the question she put to you? That's how mental abuse works. An abuser will wear you down with their irrational, obsessive behaviour til you think it's normal and you start doubting yourself for having a sense of proportion, boundaries and self-respect. That's why you're here, asking for the opinions of strangers.

Get out of your relationship, now. Let little miss beautiful try and find another target for her demented needling. Don't be that mug.

Best wishes.

zoobizoo

What was her motivation to ask the question in the first place?

orthsquel

What your girlfriend did was very mean. The problem with such a situation is that it has nothing at all to do with you. The actual problem is her own self perception and lack of self worth, lack of self esteem. The fact that she has badgered you for an "answer" to a question and wants the "truth" of what you think is bad enough in itself but then turning it all back on you and painting herself the victim is plain nasty. I think the situation paints her in being the one who is insecure and having an issue with her looks which reflects a negative self esteem rather than you but turning it back on you is reflective of a person who needs to put someone else down in order to make themselves feel more secure about themselves. That is a horrible and ugly characteristic in a person to put another person down to make themselves feel better, regardless of what they physically look like, and such a characteristic in a person would personally for me, not be something I would accept in friendships or relationships.

You're not in the wrong and you did not do wrong. She actually should be apologising to you for taking out on you a personal issue she has with herself and blaming you for her pushing you for an honest answer that she insisted upon. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and behaviour.

I would wonder - since you describe it as an abnormal situation and I assume to also mean that this isn't the usual behaviour for her in your relationship - what was the reason for such a situation to occur that she felt the need to badger you about it repeatedly, is something bothering her about your relationship and do you feel you can talk about it in a non-confrontational way with her about why this occurred in the first place (and without assigning blame or deciding who is right and who is wrong)? If not, then you may want to consider if you want to stay in a relationship with her.

TheBeardedLady

I got a headache reading that.

Being young (unless she's 5) is no excuse - I didn't carry on that way when I was younger and either did my friends. It's one thing having insecurities and I certainly had those but it's another thing being a total arsehole about it and "tricking" you like that then insulting the guy she's supposed to respect and love. I wouldn't want a partner like that, personally. You're obviously not in the wrong here, OP.

retro:electro

Wow. She has serious mental issues. She needs to see a psychiatrist, honestly that level of self obsession is not normal and I would struggle to stay attracted to someone who is so completely self obsessed.
There's an element of mental abuse in what she's doing to you, not to mention the verbal abuse you suffered when she pointed out all your physical flaws. Dump her asap.

bp

Jayus I am well aware there are better looking women out there then me, and aesthetically better looking than my OH but I love all of him and in my eyes there is no-one else. But we all have flaws and imperfections, otherwise why would we have photo shop :-)

Anyway I side with the others....this isn't your fault - she pushed you for that answer...I just don't understand why unless she wanted a fight

Neyite

There was no right answer Op. You knew that, as did she. It was designed as an opener to verbally abuse you.

No physical beauty in the world can compensate for this level of emotional ugliness. But, luckily you know this now. What you choose to do with the information is up to you. M y recommendation is to pack your stuff and leave.

Shrap

Turk1980 wrote: »

I do think that my girlfriend is very beautiful and feel I am very lucky to be with her,

OP, this is the only thing I feel you're a bit misguided about in your post. The rest of the post is flying in the face of this. I'm afraid to say that your feelings don't match your reality.

Shrap

Sorry, but something else just popped into my head.

"Queen: Slave in the magic mirror, come from the farthest space, through wind and darkness I summon thee. Speak! Let me see thy face.
Magic Mirror: What wouldst thou know, my Queen?
Queen: Magic Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?
Magic Mirror: Famed is thy beauty, Majesty. But hold, a lovely maid I see. Rags cannot hide her gentle grace. Alas, she is more fair than thee."

You can't fix this for her OP, any more than the slave in the magic mirror could. You can stop being the slave in the mirror though.

CiboC

If you want to be nice to her, tell her she needs to grow up and cop on, and then dump her.

Otherwise just proceed directly to dumping her. Seriously, WTF kind of child behaves like that?

alchemist33

Run. Run like the ****ing wind.

And make it very clear it's over too.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you to everybody who has replied. It has helped me to put aside some of my self-doubts, as there is nobody else that I can talk to about this, because even I know how embarrassing it would be to ask advice about this from a friend!

I knew deep down that my girlfriend forcing answers like that out of me was unacceptable behaviour, but when I was hearing her justification for it day in, day out, spoken with her absolute conviction, you begin to doubt yourself and what is acceptable.

She admits to having issues with jealousy and insecurity, and is taking steps to address this, i.e. counselling. Even so, she believes she is entitled to ask questions like that, regardless of the consequences. She is remorseful for the hurtful comments that she said to me in response to my answers, but says that it makes us even for the hurtful things that I have said. The thing is though, I never voluntarily said the things that she found hurtful. She asks questions that she knows could upset her, and when I don’t answer, badgers me for days on end until I give her the answer, an ugly truth.

She says that I am to blame for all of this. Maybe she is right, and this is where I would like your opinions also. She has always asked similar insecure questions, and I always fobbed her off and told her the answer that wouldn’t upset her, so I could get a bit of peace. The same way that I would for any friend or loved one, not tell them an answer that they don’t want to hear or which might hurt them, and try to make them feel better about themselves. There was nothing sinister about any of my answers. All of her questions were ridiculously insecure and childish, like “do you think that girl over there is good looking”. For a question like that I always had to answer No, because to say Yes would upset her, as she would assume that by saying Yes it meant that I preferred this other girl to her and would start an affair with her or something!

So she says that by not giving her the ugly truth all along (even though it would have led to countless petty and pointless arguments, and undoubtedly would have led to us breaking up as I would have reached the end of my patience), I am to blame for putting her in a “false reality”. Do I bear some responsibility for her issues and insecurities, because I told her what she wanted to hear? The insecurities were there to begin with before we even met. She insists though that because I put her in this “false reality”, I have caused her more damage than her tormentors and bullies at the root cause of the issues.

My posts may appear to paint my girlfriend in a very bad light. This is just one bad aspect of what otherwise is a great relationship however. As bad as these insecurities and their effects are, my intention is not to break up with her, unless of course the situation deteriorates further. I have come on here to get some sort of clarity on these issues from a third party, as I am doubting my own convictions due to my gf forcing hers onto me.

strobe

Yeah I was pretty positive that post was coming. That she's really great in lots of other ways, and it's not really her fault, and she feels really really bad about the hurtful things shes said, and of course I'm not going to break up with her...

I dunno man. To answer your question, no you're not to blame for 'putting her in a false reality' that's just her way of taking another pop at you. Pointing out a flaw in you, something you've done bad, to make herself feel better about herself by comparison...

Look, you're afraid to be honest with your girlfriend because if you are she'll fight with you? Like... is that any way to live? Do you want that to be the rest of your life? The next 50 years, like that? Why would you do that to yourself?

Look, I've been with girls with big self esteem/ insecurity issues. But they never in a million years would have done what this girl did to you. Badger you and badger you and then go off on one and say a bunch of deliberately hurtful insulting things about you to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse. Because they were good people. A lot of issues and stuff they were trying to deal with, but at the surface good people. She's not good people. She's a bitch.

But this is all wasted advice. You're going to stick with her and she's still not going to be good people in ten years time and you'll still be her emotional punching bag. You seem dead set on that being your future.

What can you do...

I dunno. I guess give her an ultimatum. No more questions of any kind along those lines that require you to compare her to other women. Never again to deliberately say hurtful things about you like she did. Or you walk. But you won't do that either I think.

Taltos

Turk1980 wrote: »

I knew deep down that my girlfriend forcing answers like that out of me was unacceptable behaviour, but when I was hearing her justification for it day in, day out, spoken with her absolute conviction, you begin to doubt yourself and what is acceptable.

She admits to having issues with jealousy and insecurity, and is taking steps to address this, i.e. counselling....

She says that I am to blame for all of this. Maybe she is right..

Just read those few snippets. Especially the bolded comment.
I only have one piece of advice for you OP. Leave.

Don't justify it, don't get into "if only we did x or y or x", don't get into "this is your last chance". The above statement of fact from her reveals that she has a long long way to go in her counselling but right now from your own self-doubt it's clear to me that you need to escape and even consider talking to someone yourself as it seems your self-confidence is in the toilet.

It'll be tough at first but in a few weeks / months you will feel so much better - especially if you get help for yourself as well.

strobe

Think about how much effort you put into trying to avoid saying anything that may possibly hurt her in any way. Putting up with weeks of her on at you and on at you, all because you didn't want to say anything that even had the possibility of making her feel bad. Why? Because you love her.

Now think about just how quickly and easily and effortlessly she did the exact opposite to you. Deliberately saying things which she knew for sure would deeply hurt you. Why? Because she does not love you. You're a tool of hers. Something to use to make herself feel better, even if that means making you feel much much worse.

Chucky the tree

OP I'm going go out on a limb and suggest that maybe the only reason you are staying with her is because of how beautiful she is on the outside? At a guess she's probably a bit of trophy girlfriend for you. If so then I'd suggest looking into your own insecurities.

davidfitz22

What is she? 12?

Spencer Winterbotham

If you've got any bunnies around the house leave them your mothers for awhile.

Lisha

Op

She has a princess complex.
This means that everyone needs to please her, appease her and pander to her every whim.

Tbh I can't see why you would put up with this crap.
to make herself feel better she will put you down. All she will do is take take take.

Seriously op, no matter how good her good looks make her as eye candy bring a trophy girlfriend, I just can't see how it's worth it.
You will never be her priority, unless it's to buy her stuff or take her places.

Put yourself first op.

poster2525

OP, I was really saddened to read your posts.
I really don't like to comment on other peoples lives, but I could not forgive myself if I didn't say something here!

Please watch this video on youtube - Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave (I can't post the link)

I know it's a different scenario and a much more extreme situation. It may seem like a huge leap forward, but ask yourself, "Do I recognise anything from my life in this story?"

Try to view this as an "if I could go back and tell my 16 year old self something" moment, and really consider what direction this relationship is heading in!

Good luck

December2012

No you're not to blame at all.

You gave her compliments, she believed them.

She asked you set up questions and yes you lied, but it was because of her reactions, and they were white lies.

It may not be her fault either - probably to do with how she was raised but by God don't bring that up.

She's insecure and jealous and that's not your fault at all.

DukeOfTheSharp

Leave her. Don't even hesitate, just leave her. I hear horror stories about this, but it's never the person asking the entrapping questions' fault, it's the person who finally breaks and answers.

Basically, it's a form of emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation; she's creating a scenario whereby you lose. No matter what happens, you're always wrong, because she wills it. That's not love, you're not lucky to have her, in fact, you're the unlucky chap who has to put up with the manipulative creature she really is. Nothing about this is your fault, nothing about it is normal, and you need to get out.

orthsquel

Turk1980 wrote: »

She says that I am to blame for all of this. Maybe she is right, and this is where I would like your opinions also.

No you are not to blame for all of this. Someone telling you that you are more beautiful than X over there is nothing but a compliment, or an boost for someone's ego. Demanding, badgering someone to answer their own question if X over there is more beautiful than they themselves are is not the same thing at all. The latter shows that the person demanding the answer is putting themselves in the position of an answer that might either a)be truthful in that they are indeed more beautiful, b)be a white lie to protect themselves or c) be truthful in that they are not more beautiful. How they react to your answer is not your fault, nor are you the one responsible for it.

Turk1980 wrote: »

So she says that by not giving her the ugly truth all along (even though it would have led to countless petty and pointless arguments, and undoubtedly would have led to us breaking up as I would have reached the end of my patience), I am to blame for putting her in a “false reality”. Do I bear some responsibility for her issues and insecurities, because I told her what she wanted to hear?

No what she is saying is a total cop out. It is not your responsibility as a human, as a male, as her boyfriend to ensure she perceives herself in a particular way. That is what self esteem is for.

She is talking complete BS about causing her more damage... she is actually emotionally blackmailing you when she said that. She is assigning blame to you for her own lack of self worth and poor self esteem.

If she was happy with herself, happy with how she looks, with a positive self esteem and no issues of insecurity or jealously.... that person wouldn't be badgering you to give her an answer if she is more beautiful than X or not, because that entire aspect of comparing herself to others wouldn't even be relevant to someone with a positive self esteem.

Turk1980 wrote: »

As bad as these insecurities and their effects are, my intention is not to break up with her, unless of course the situation deteriorates further. I have come on here to get some sort of clarity on these issues from a third party, as I am doubting my own convictions due to my gf forcing hers onto me.

TBH after this post I'm finding myself in agreement with every post that says dump her. Why? Because in the end you are just going to be feeding those insecurities and her issues because you will be forced, bullied, badgered and pushed into giving her the answer she wants that fits how she negatively perceives herself, you will be forever having arguments with her over petty things, you will be forced to tolerate being called horrible things to even abusive behaviours. She's already manipulative and an emotional blackmailer, she has you doubting your own thoughts, you fight all the time, I mean there is no time for a real relationship, there's no fun, there's no happiness, there's nothing that you can say either way that will make her happy and all you will be is a shadow of your former self treading on eggshells so as not to upset her. That's not a relationship, that is not a life, that is imprisoning yourself into long term domestic abuse with an abusive partner.

She already sounds like a nightmare and she will mess with your head further than she already has. You don't deserve that. And not all women out there are like her.

I suggest that if you are to continue in this relationship with her, you look up the details for AMEN in the stickied posts of information for distressed users and keep their phone number to hand. But I would have to advise that it probably would be better and healthier for you to get out of the relationship while you can and let her sort out her various issues of insecurity and poor self esteem.

TheBeardedLady

Ah here, OP. The girl can't even apologise like a decent, adult human being without taking a pot shot at you.


I remember having similar, though not so extreme, insecurities in a few relationships in my 20s but I was very aware of the fact that they were my issues and although my jealousy would lead to some irrationality, I never insulted or hurt the man I was with and always recognised when I was in the wrong and it was my issue and my place to apologise.

This has fook all to do with your girlfriend being insecure, this is down to your girlfriend being a bit of an arsehole. I was trying to think of a better word there but...that's all I can come up with. She's an arsehole. It's tempting to excuse young women for acting on their insecurities but she's crossed that line and entered not-very-nice-person territory. She doesn't have the self-awareness or the grace to apologise properly without a disclaimer where she throws it back in your face.

This is going to come to head down the line and you'll regret not having left sooner.

Blue Iris

The badgering is totally unacceptable. You're damned if you are honest and damned if you are dishonest. This is emotional abuse. There are probably very understandable reasons as to why she has developed in this way but that doesn't make her treatment of you justifiable in any way, shape or form. I would have another discussion with her, initiated by you, where you make it really clear to her that this can't go on, that you will not be answering any of these types of questions any more as they only end in conflict and pain for both of you. She will have to find another way to deal with her insecurity. The method she is using is completely ineffective and very damaging to your relationship. She has learned that she can use emotional blackmail to make you feel a lot of doubt in yourself. She might be doing this because she feels such deep self doubt and treating you in this way creates a level playing field or else she feels relief when she dumps her pain on you. It doesn't matter what the reason is because nothing makes it acceptable as a way of relating to your partner.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry, OP, but I think that you just can't win in this situation. You can't. With someone this insecure, you're always going to be the bad guy.

You will never be able to love her enough to make her feel good about herself. And you could soon find yourself worn down by trying, and getting no real love, but only more neediness, in return.

LegacyUser

She's a horrible person. I don't care beautiful she is on the outside, she's a nasty piece of work on the inside. Get the hell away from her, the longer you spend with her, the more you'll start to believe her nasty mamipulative lies that you are to blame.

If you stay, you'll be walking on eggshells and telling lies to believe little miss princess for the rest of your life. That's no way to live. The you've described how she badgered and turned on you is just nasty. That is a horribly cruel thing to do, designed to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Ironic, eh!

In short, she's using you for an ego boost, she doesn't value you, she drags you down rather than do what good relationships do (bring you up), she mentally beats you up by making you feel crap about yourself she's making you doubt your own judgement, and is laying the blame for her historic issues at you feet. I'm sorry, but she is truly a horrible nasty person. Leaver her to her own spin and manipulative lies as soon as you can. I bet nothing is ever ever her own fault, and you are in a long line of people who've 'wronged' her.

She's a bad 'in OP. Run away while u still can.

tinkerbell

OP, she sounds like a right idiot and not only that bit a deluded one. There is ALWAYS gonna be someone better looking than her. She sounds like a complete and utter head wreck. And then to insult your appearance. Everybody has flaws. She asked for an honest answer and when you gave her one, she proceeded to insult your appearance from a height and made you feel very self conscious about your imperfections, ones which you are sensitive about. Sorry but that's a dumpable offence IMO.

Sinister Kid

<SNIP>

dudara

@Sinister Kid - if you can't post constructive advice, then please don't post. Please read the forum charter and recent forum announcement for guidance.

dudara

Sinister Kid

Apologies, thread came up on my homepage, I wasn't paying attention to where I was posting.

Serious note though, the OP's girlfriend sounds like she is quite insecure. I don't know how attractive the girl is but it kind of sounds like she may be looking for some reassurance even if the way she is going about it is quite immature.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here and just say that it is unfair that everyone here is calling the OP's girlfriend an idiot. I am, by no means, defending what she said and did, but it is obvious that there are some underlying issues that she has and the OP even addressed this by mentioning that she is attending a counsellor - so she obviously recognizes these in herself.

Here's the thing though; is it worth sticking around for? And the truth is, I don't think so. Whatever about asking once, but the fact that you mentioned she badgered you for week for an answer is just insane. And then to point out all your physical problems? There's no coming back from that at all.

Of course there are going to be better looking people out there - that is always going to be a given, but you love her, not them. If she doesn't get that then there's no hope.

So, OP, you need to walk away. Maybe it will be the knock that finally makes her see what she is doing is wrong, because, quite frankly, you staying in that relationship and even letting her say that you were the cause of the whole issue is making her think that she is allowed to be like that.

Jenneke87

It's not worth the drama OP. Fair play to her that she's working on her issues, but there's nothing constructive about taking tem out on you. She's abusing you and look where you're at: you're beginning to doubt yourself, you need to hide what you really think and feel as to not upset her. You're starting to lose yourself and no-one is worth that. Let her go.

suicide_circus

My god she sounds like a nightmare, how or why you put up with this is beyond me. You do know there are women out there who are beautiful, kind, loving and also NOT CRAZY?

beks101

"I'm not responding to leading questions about your appearance. These are issues you need to talk about with your therapist. Not take out on me"

Tell her that every time she asks you the same dumb questions about being the most beautiful girl in the world, asking you to compare her to celebrities etc. Christ, morto for her. Who has been pandering to her in her life that these questions are acceptable, normal? A lot of this has to do with environment as well as her obvious insecurity issues.

Don't be a part of that environment. Shut the questions down, don't let them be acceptable for her to ask, repeat the above like a broken record.

And don't be fooled into thinking this issue can be in isolation of someone's personality. It can't. It will pervade every aspect of the relationship, no matter how kind or sweet or thoughtful she can be or how attracted to her you are. She'll always try to emotionally manipulate or blackmail you to make herself feel better. And you'll feel worse and worse for it as time goes on.

mylefttesticle

Imagine the open, frank, fun and honest conversations you can have with this beautiful woman?

Oh that's rights! You cant!

This is about control OP and it starts verbally and its ends badly.

This is not how people treat each other in a good relationship never mind a fantastic relationship.

And beware lots of people go to therapy not to be helped but to give the impression that they are seeking help but have no intention of changing its just a handy excuse to use when their controlling and bullying behaviour leads to their partner wanting to leave and you then get ''I am trying to change, I am seeing a therapist you can see that so don't leave help me' and the cycle begins again. If as you say she is in therapy then she would recognise that these issues are her own and she would know this after a few sessions so the fact that she is insisting still that its mostly your fault paints the blackest of pictures.

Being beautiful is not about a face, a body, a hair colour etc. Its a continuous thing of small acts of kindness.

dudara

@Shrap - please post on topic only. Comment deleted. Please read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

Big Bag of Chips

My husband would sometimes say someone is good looking. It doesn't bother me, because with my own eyes I can see they are good looking! I'm no beauty but I'm not ugly either. I know there are thousands of women around me who are better looking than me, and sometimes, yes, I think "Bitch"!!

You don't have a nice relationship at the moment. You are afraid to say certain things. Would you suggest to her that you will not get into discussions about other people with her? Would you tell her that she is never to ask you those questions again? Or would you be too afraid of her reaction.

I think it is acceptable to occasionally ask for a little bit of reassurance from your partner. It is not ok to constantly ask your partner to compare you to others. That is not fair. She obviously has "issues", but as an adult it is her responsibility to recognise that they are her issues and she needs to work through them without taking them out on you.

Has she many exes? What I mean by that, is has she put other fellas through this too and they just couldn't stick it anymore. If you want to help her then you need to get a bit tough with her. Tell her you will not get into discussion with her about how she compares to others. Tell her not to ask you. Tell her you think she is beautiful and you are going out with her. Point out to her that you never once attacked her personal appearance and you are very hurt that she would do that to you.

Do not let her make excuses. There are none.

Tell her you love her and you want to help her, but what she is doing is damaging you and damaging her and you will not continue to entertain it.

If you feel too afraid or nervous about saying any of the above then you need to have a look at what your role is in this relationship. Are you equals? Or are you there as an emotional punching bag for her? Does she ever consider your feelings, or is it all about her?

DoYouEvenLift

It's not outside the realm of possibility that she cheated and is doing all of this to ruin the relationship in a way that makes you out to be the one at fault so she can save face and never have to admit to it. 100% srs here, what she did is blatant sabotage of the relationship and nobody would do that for no reason.


[<Mod Snip> Inappropriate comment. You are not qualified to diagnose anything, so please don't try. Reread the Forum Charter and the forum announcement]

Next time a girl asks you that stupid question, reply with sarcasm or change subject.