ldr boyfriend with the ability to control.

2roadsdiverged

Hey
Ive been in a long distance relationship for about a year now but it has always caused trouble I guess. The whole problem is that there's a country between us. We text every day but physically have only been with each other half a year. I really do love him but find he is very very controlling in the sense that i deleted all social networks and don't have any friends now such that he's really all I have. I find myself to be v dependent. Theres no doubt we love each other but the issue is that my parents hate him so hence they dont allow him to visit etc. I've decided in theory to go to Scotland for the summer to see if the spark is still there and my parents arent happy with this and have said that if i go they will not allow me to love here anymore. Ill be 18 in June and just feel its a lose lose situation. Idk about my boyfriend we haven't actually seen each other since my debs in August due to the hate my parents feel for him, he isn't cooperative with my parents either. I constantly feel stuck because no matter what i do is right. Guess maybe the only reason I'm going to Scotland is to avoid another lonely summer where I do nothing because I have no friends at all but no matter what I do is wrong if I stay in Ireland I'll lose him and if I go I will lose my parents I don't know if maybe I'm staying in it because I hate myself so much that I feel no one else could love me or want me but something is controlling me to want to go so much I don't know what. There have been lots of things I've never gotten my head around. Its like I'm his secret none of his friends know about me, in public particularly on home soil he completely refuses to even so much as hold my hand, he doesn't trust me and during the summer he made me stay in his room while his friends were downstairs so they wouldn't know I was there, am I just a total idiot? Does this person love me as much as they say? Also social networks are completely forbid because he feels I would talk to other people and also he constantly accuses me of cheating although I was never actually with anyone until him or after or ever and possibly ruined my debs last year constantly saying that if he wasn't there I'd be cheating. I've never done anything for him to not trust me. Thanks for advice in advance.

ColeTrain

2roadsdiverged wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote full post.

There's red flags all over the place there. He forbids you from using social network sites? Accuses you of cheating and doesn't want to acknowledge you in public?

Do you not see that he is being controlling and being completely unreasonable?

My advice would be to forget about this guy and look about working on yourself. You haven't even see him since August, why would you pin your hopes on leaving the country for someone who doesn't even respect you. You're only 17, you've plenty of time to meet someone else.

Mr. Remote Control

He sounds like a right horrible bastard to be honest. You don't need nor deserve such intense and twisted bullsh*t at this - or any - stage of your life. You deserve to be happy and cheerful and sh*t. Not looked down upon/hidden away/defending yourself.


Remember. Happy and cheerful & sh*t. That's what you deserve.

2roadsdiverged

ColeTrain wrote: »

There's red flags all over the place there. He forbids you from using social network sites? Accuses you of cheating and doesn't want to acknowledge you in public?

Do you not see that he is being controlling and being completely unreasonable?

My advice would be to forget about this guy and look about working on yourself. You haven't even see him since August, why would you pin your hopes on leaving the country for someone who doesn't even respect you. You're only 17, you've plenty of time to meet someone else.

I tried to end things maybe a month ago I've tried to end things on countless occasions but every single time I stop myself and I don't know why.

2roadsdiverged

Mr. Remote Control wrote: »

He sounds like a right horrible bastard to be honest. You don't need nor deserve such intense and twisted bullsh*t at this - or any - stage of your life. You deserve to be happy and cheerful and sh*t. Not looked down upon/hidden away/defending yourself.


Remember. Happy and cheerful & sh*t. That's what you deserve.

I just struggle to deal with loneliness and the fact that I have not one person I can call a friend maybe I've become so attached I fail to let go

LegacyUser

Op come on, you know this guy is a complete loser.
He's manipulative and controlling and sounds like a nasty piece of work.
you know that, you know his behaviour towards you is abusive.

I don't know if maybe I'm staying in it because I hate myself so much that I feel no one else could love me or want me but something is controlling me to want to go so much I don't know what.

Why are you punishing yourself OP? I mean that's the only reason I can see why you'd want to stay in a relationship that scumbag.

Stavro Mueller

OP, you are in the early stages of an emotionally abusive relationship. You should google it if you don't believe me. As I read through this I see that

• He has already begun the process of isolating you from your family and friends.
• You've deleted all social networks
• Your parents hate him. Why do you think this is?
• He's antagonistic towards them - again this isn't what normal people do.
• He constantly accuses you of cheating

I'm also wondering if he has another girlfriend over in Scotland? It would explain why he hid you away in his room instead of being excited and wanting to have you meet his friends. Ditto for the refusing to hold hands when you're out in public.

I get that you're very lonely and feeling down but think about this: this guy has not brought good into your life at all. He has affected your relationship with your parents and isolated you from your friends. Both of those are intolerable in my book.

If you're feeling low, would you think about giving The Samaritans a call and having a chat to someone on there? http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us Just to get this off your chest and to help you see things in perspective.

ColeTrain

2roadsdiverged wrote: »

I tried to end things maybe a month ago I've tried to end things on countless occasions but every single time I stop myself and I don't know why.

You've got two choices.

1) Stay in this 'relationship', where your emotions are being controlled by a guy who you don't even get to see, who has no respect for you and who is taking the piss with you big time.

2) End it now and put some work in on making new friends and building your self-esteem.

As I said before, you're only 17. You can literally do anything with your life. Set a high standard for yourself, you can do much better than the relationship you're in now.

Jen Pigs Fly

OP. I have been in this situation as you, although it wasn't long distance.
I had a controlling ex ... He would not let me use any social media etc, I was only aloud to be friends with his friends so I wouldn't hang out with them when he wasn't there etc.
I kept thinking the same "oh he loves me, he's only doing this because he loves me".
The night that he punched me in the face because I didn't agree with his opinion was the night I finally woke up and saw what a horrible person he was. It took me a year to get away from him, he used to lock me in his room, he'd take my phone, sit outside my house watching to make sure I didn't leave, eventually I stopped all communication and he didn't like that, and gradually (with guards intervention) he left me be.

4 years later Im glad I'm out but I wish I heeded the warning signs sooner before I was in too deep.

Take this as your wake up call, get out before you get in too deep and cannot get out.

You're lucky in a way ... He's not local to you. You don't even have to break up with him if you're too scared. I would text and if he's not listening just cease all conversation and communication he will get the idea eventually. He's not local so not much he can do.

And pay serious heed to the controllers favourite saying "I will kill myself if you leave me", do what I did and ring the local guards, my ex said that to me I didn't reply and called the guards and he was in his room playing play station :rolleyes: so don't fall for that, call the local police of he tries that.

MissFlitworth

You're not a total idiot, this stuff can happen when you're feeling lonely & dependent on one person. You are going to throw away the chance to spend a Summer rekindling friendships and finding new ones to spend it with a guy who who will leave you on your own sitting in his room, by yourself, while he has friends over. This could be the Summer of your life! Sometimes when you're in a bad relationship it feels like your whole life is grey and rubbish and you're lonely all the time and it's only because you've become lonely and things have become grey and rubbish because it's necessary for your relationship to survive. Seriously, get rid of him if you can. He sounds *awful*. You deserve better and you will not have a good Summer over with him if that's how he behaves.

Stavro Mueller

2roadsdiverged wrote: »

I just struggle to deal with loneliness and the fact that I have not one person I can call a friend maybe I've become so attached I fail to let go

Did you ever have friends? If you did and dropped them because of this guy, maybe there still is a chance you can build bridges.

I'm looking at this and thinking you're a girl of 17. You've got your whole life ahead of you and have it within yourself to make things so much better. What are you doing at the moment? You mentioned your debs so I assume you've left school. Are you at college or doing a course? Are you working?

Neyite

The guy is very worrying indeed. Please please contact women's aid and talk to someone there.

A relationship should enhance and enrich your life. What you are describing is a lonely emotional prison. Your parents will have been waiting for you to take steps to end it. Let them support you and help you and get rid of him.

2roadsdiverged

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Did you ever have friends? If you did and dropped them because of this guy, maybe there still is a chance you can build bridges.

I'm looking at this and thinking you're a girl of 17. You've got your whole life ahead of you and have it within yourself to make things so much better. What are you doing at the moment? You mentioned your debs so I assume you've left school. Are you at college or doing a course? Are you working?

I did have friends but i think we just grew apart because of my all consuming relationship and nah I'm doing my Leaving this year, I done TY so I went to my old year's debs last year

2roadsdiverged

xxxJennyxxx wrote: »

OP. I have been in this situation as you, although it wasn't long distance.
I had a controlling ex ... He would not let me use any social media etc, I was only aloud to be friends with his friends so I wouldn't hang out with them when he wasn't there etc.
I kept thinking the same "oh he loves me, he's only doing this because he loves me".
The night that he punched me in the face because I didn't agree with his opinion was the night I finally woke up and saw what a horrible person he was. It took me a year to get away from him, he used to lock me in his room, he'd take my phone, sit outside my house watching to make sure I didn't leave, eventually I stopped all communication and he didn't like that, and gradually (with guards intervention) he left me be.

5 years later Im glad I'm out but I wish I heeded the warning signs sooner before I was in too deep.

Take this as your wake up call, get out before you get in too deep and cannot get out.

You're lucky in a way ... He's not local to you. You don't even have to break up with him if you're too scared. I would text and if he's not listening just cease all conversation and communication he will get the idea eventually. He's not local so not much he can do.

And pay serious heed to the controllers favourite saying "I will kill myself if you leave me", do what I did and ring the local guards, my ex said that to me I didn't reply and called the guards and he was in his room playing play station :rolleyes: so don't fall for that, call the local police of he tries that.

He tried something a few days back when I questioned the hand holding and how I'm basically a secret and his reply was that if people knew he had a girlfriend then his life would be hell, the actual reply was:

" you can't seem to grasp that this relationship doesn't exist of it was different from the way it has been. after even telling you how I'd probably kill myself going through telling people, your selfish nature reigns supreme and need you and crave people knowing and having their attention "


He doesn't seem to understand that wanting your relationship to not be one that is a secret isnt a form of attention seeking.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe some of your old friends might still be open to picking up where you left off?

To fill your summer, have you thought about trying to find a summer job here? It might also be a way to meet people and to fill your days (and your pockets). If you don't have any luck finding a job, would you think about volunteering? My point is, you don't have to be sat at home feeling lonely. There are options.

What are your plans once you do the leaving cert? Because once you leave school, you are in effect starting again with a blank canvas. If you go to college you'll make new friends who won't care what school you went to or what you did before. The same if you start working.

I see you just posted what he said about relationships. When someone tells you what they are like, it's worth listening. There's nothing in that about love or being together because you make each other happy. He doesn't sound right in the head. Please don't fool yourself into thinking he's something he's not. I'm also pretty sure he's doing all this hiding for a reason and it isn't because he has a warped view of love. Incidentally, why would you want to date someone who thinks like this? You're 17 years of age. The world's full of lovely lads who'll treat you with respect, hold your hand and be proud to show you off to their family and friends. Don't settle for second best, not now, not ever.

Mr. Remote Control

2roadsdiverged wrote: »

I did have friends but i think we just grew apart because of my all consuming relationship and nah I'm doing my Leaving this year, I done TY so I went to my old year's debs last year

Here's what I would do. Or here's what I at least think I would like to do...

Go to your friends and say...

"Hey friends, I'm sorry I grew distant with you all. I'm having a sh**** time of it lately and I could do with some friendly faces around me. I've been really lonely and I think it may be because my (old, hopefully) relationship is/was kind of unhealthy. I hope you understand."

Or something similar.

You know, I think it would be a really big thing to do/say. If your friends are decent sort, they'll be happy to hear from you and appreciate your words. It could really be a changing point for you. Think about it.

Actually think about it, and not just read the words "Think about it" on your screen. Give it actual thought.

Virtual fist bump.

2roadsdiverged

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Maybe some of your old friends might still be open to picking up where you left off?

To fill your summer, have you thought about trying to find a summer job here? It might also be a way to meet people and to fill your days (and your pockets). If you don't have any luck finding a job, would you think about volunteering? My point is, you don't have to be sat at home feeling lonely. There are options.

What are your plans once you do the leaving cert? Because once you leave school, you are in effect starting again with a blank canvas. If you go to college you'll make new friends who won't care what school you went to or what you did before. The same if you start working.

I see you just posted what he said about relationships. When someone tells you what they are like, it's worth listening. There's nothing in that about love or being together because you make each other happy. He sounds like Christian Grey with a Scottish accent

Yeah I've thought of that but because i live in quite a rural area I had no luck last year so maybe volunteering might give me something to do to avoid going into my usual summer runt of doing nothing and regretting it.
And once I do the Leaving Cert I'm hoping to study Psychology but we'll see depending on points, if not just arts.yeah i cant wait to have a blank canvas honestly. Excellent comparison but yeah he was controlling on all fronts unfortunately

2roadsdiverged

Mr. Remote Control wrote: »

Here's what I would do. Or here's what I at least think I would like to do...

Go to your friends and say...

"Hey friends, I'm sorry I grew distant with you all. I'm having a sh**** time of it lately and I could do with some friendly faces around me. I've been really lonely and I think it may be because my (old, hopefully) relationship is/was kind of unhealthy. I hope you understand."

Or something similar.

You know, I think it would be a really big thing to do/say. If your friends are decent sort, they'll be happy to hear from you and appreciate your words. It could really be a changing point for you. Think about it.

Actually think about it, and not just read the words "Think about it" on your screen. Give it actual thought.

Virtual fist bump.

I will think about it, thank you aw

Littlekittylou

2roadsdiverged wrote: »

<SNIP> no need to quote entire OP

He sounds draining insecure and annoying.
No he is just an abuser. Dump him and in five mins there will be another one along if you really want one.

You life is going to get smaller and smaller and more boring with this man as you see he has less and less to offer you.

He does not love you at all. He does not even understand you as a person. He does not understand your feelings or your family. He does not respect you or care for you.
He does not want people to know about you because he does not want people to see that side of him because he is afraid that they will see what he needs to do to control you and it will show him up.

" you can't seem to grasp that this relationship doesn't exist of it was different from the way it has been. after even telling you how I'd probably kill myself going through telling people, your selfish nature reigns supreme and need you and crave people knowing and having their attention "

Yeah he is insane. And totally up his own you know what. He is very selfish.

I would hate to say this. But I would wonder if he has cheated or has a psychological need to keep several women under control. That's part of why it's secret.

Or he needs you to feel ashamed because otherwise he can't control you. You won't put up with his B.S unless you feel awful.

If someone needs to keep a relationship a secret that rings alarm bells.

Is he a lot older??? You are only 17 is it possible he singles you out for you inexperience and because he SENSED your low self esteem?

The guy is very worrying indeed. Please please contact women's aid and talk to someone there.

Agreed.

His lack of respect for your family is disturbing. And the fact that they are worried?

Your self esteem will repair when you start to leave him.

Neyite said

A relationship should enhance and enrich your life. What you are describing is a lonely emotional prison. Your parents will have been waiting for you to take steps to end it. Let them support you and help you and get rid of him.

Agreed. I think you should actually show your parents everything you have written.

And at least let them know about this. If he acts up then they will know and be there to help and support you. Tell them everything that is going on.

Jen Pigs Fly

2roadsdiverged wrote: »

He tried something a few days back when I questioned the hand holding and how I'm basically a secret and his reply was that if people knew he had a girlfriend then his life would be hell, the actual reply was:

" you can't seem to grasp that this relationship doesn't exist of it was different from the way it has been. after even telling you how I'd probably kill myself going through telling people, your selfish nature reigns supreme and need you and crave people knowing and having their attention "


He doesn't seem to understand that wanting your relationship to not be one that is a secret isnt a form of attention seeking.

Yea he's that type, which is why I mentioned it. It's the ultimate form of control, he will say something as horrible as that to keep you under his thumb. As I said it's much easier when you're not with him if I'm honest and its toeture to ignore those comments, trust me I know, but if he tries it when you try to break up ignore it and just call the relevant authorities. I know he's abroad but as long as you add an area code a call will go through or maybe 999 could help connect you to the relevant services. The most it would do it make him feel very foolish.

I wouldn't stand for it personally, I'm 25 and was your age when all this began, I was 19 almost 20 before I started to see sense and didn't get away until I was 21, I honestly feel I wasted those years. He used every trick in the book to control me, the time he locked me in his room for 2 days was horrible. My parents were worried sick but had no idea until this happened. You're lucky your parents are already in the know to help you. Took me almost 2 years to shake him.

I made contact with old friends and now years down the line were close again. It is hard, very hard but if I could talk to my past self id tell me to leave when I was 19.

Life does go on I am now In a stable 2 year relationship. It took me a long time to get to where I am, but it's possible, there is always light at th end of a dark tunnel.

Littlekittylou

By the way you titled your thread BF with the ability to control.

But actually the reason he is behaving this way is because he can't control you and it's driving him to distraction. I would end it now.

2roadsdiverged

Littlekittylou wrote: »

He sounds draining insecure and annoying.
No he is just an abuser. Dump him and in five mins there will be another one along if you really want one.

I would hate to say this. But I would wonder if he has cheated or has a psychological need to keep several women under control. That's part of why it's secret.

Or he needs you to feel ashamed because otherwise he can't control you. You won't put up with his B.S unless you feel awful.

If someone needs to keep a relationship a secret that rings alarm bells.

Is he a lot older??? You are only 17 is it possible he singles you out for you inexperience and because he SENSED your low self esteem?



Well he's previously claimed he has only had one girlfriend and that I'm the only person he has been sexually involved with so idk if he's involved with others or not and that's the downside to distance just not knowing and he's only a week older than me

Stavro Mueller

The good thing about this is that he's in Scotland and you're here. There's not a lot he can do to you from there. Personally I'd dump him by text and immediately block his number on your smartphone. His response to this will either be to try and manipulate his way back into your affections or text vile things/scream abuse down the phone to you. Notice that not one person here has suggested you throw caution to the wind and go over to him in the summer. Being pragmatic, what would become of you if did go over and your parents carried out their threat not to let you live at home any more. Who would fund your college fees? Pay for your accommodation?

It's hard to know what exactly this guy's issues are but it is not up to you to try and fix them or understand why he's such a nasty piece of work. Dump his ass as soon as you can. In the coming years you will thank yourself for having been so brave.

Littlekittylou

I would just leave him OP. I think that's the general consensus.

Jen Pigs Fly

And another point.

He might say "no one will ever love you" or "no one will love you as much as I do."

It's all lies, I believed it and well ... I understand now. I am much much happier with my current boyfriend than I ever was even In the beginning.

It's all emotional blackmail.

Mr. Remote Control

xxxJennyxxx wrote: »

..."no one will ever love you" or "no one will love you as much as I do."

Yeah! What a load of ****!

I happen to think they're are probably tens of thousands - maybe even a few hundred thousand - maybe even more; I'm not too sure - people that will/could possibly love you/love you as much as him/her.

whats_my_name

Imagine OP being in a relationship with someone that your family loved, who would not hide you away & would tell the world you were his girlfriend. Who would look out for YOUR best interests, who would actively encourage you to be the best version of yourself, the person that is still there somewhere inside of you...that's what a relationship is supposed to be like, sure every relationship has their ups & downs but the other person in that relationship is there to pick you up when you need it, not drain the life out of you until your a shell of your former self. Let this be a learning curve & go & be the best version of yourself minus your boyfriend. Take care x

MrNoLuck

Question that keeps me awake at night how do horrible controlling men like this guy manage to get a girlfriend yet a young gentleman like myself doesn't manage to!!!!

OP.. You deserve better, you deserve a guy who's actually proud to call you his girlfriend and to introduce you to everyone he knows and walk down the street holding hands with you.

This goes for you or any other girl with a boyfriend like yours, theres plenty of lovely guys, plenty who aren't controlling and who will treat you the way a proper decent guy should, so don't waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate you when so many other genuinely lovely guys would.

Everyone deserves someone who appreciates them and treats them great and most of all genuinely loves them.

Don't be afraid to break up with him, you'll find you'll be a lot less lonely once he's gone and not preventing you from having friends any longer.

bp

I agree with everything everyone above has said.

Also want to add, that as a parent, I can grasp how much your parents love you (actual, true, throw myself in front of bullet love). They want you to be happy so listen to their concern - they were 17 once and either went through or knew someone who went through the same thing.

Dump him and block his number. Join Facebook again and friend request your old friends. Volunteer at a local animal shelter or something and enjoy the teenage years :-)

Good luck and I hope it works out well for you

Meauldsegosha

OP have you told him you plan on spending the whole summer in Scotland? I can't imagine he would be too happy about that.

I agree with the other poster that you need to leave this man. I think you know this yourself but are frightened which is understandable, he has isolated you from your friends and your family. But you will make friends again and meet a man who respects and loves you.

Neyite

OP, you are interested in psychology? Why not take a little time to look into the psychology of an abusive partner. Given your interest, you will probably find it easy to read on an objective level, but it might prove to be very enlightening on a personal level.

When I left my abusive relationship, I really struggled with 'why'. Why would someone hurt another that way. Why, when I bent over backwards to try and carry the entire relationship, all I got back was eggshells and my self esteem in tatters. Why was his anger so unpredictable. But I love reading, and initially prompted by a handout from Women's Aid, I began to read another book or two and now can spot the traits a mile off.

Start with this checklist. This is an excellent book. Here are some reviews. It's finally on kindle too.

I've never, not once, regretted leaving - no person who finally breaks free from domestic abuse does. Their only regret is that they didn't leave earlier.