Sister's kids hurting my feelings ...

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I know this may sound a little bit silly, but my sister's kids keep hurting my feelings! We don't live very close to each other and I don't see them that often but when I do they ask me questions which I think they know will get a reaction. I'm almost in my mid thirties (and have a little issue with) and they ALWAYS ask me 'What age are you?" "why aren't you married", and "why don't you have any children?" They know I'm in a relationship that has been a bit stagnant for the last while.
I can't help thinking that they must hear my sister and her husband talking about these things in their own home - maybe i'm being paranoid!

I have my final exams for college coming up soon so I'm super busy at the moment so met them yesterday for some shopping and a bite to eat and I've felt annoyed ever since - it's been playing on my mind.

We were brought up in an environment that made it difficult for us to speak our mind so having it out with my sister would be very difficult for me to do - we also wouldn't have the sort of relationship where we could be honest with each other, so not sure if broaching it with her is an option.

It's silly that I'm letting 10 year olds affect me like this I know.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

MrWalsh

I think you're projecting your own issues here.

Are you actually saying that 10 year old children are thinking about and getting ready questions to ask you to try and make you feel uncomfortable? Do you really think young children would do this? Isn't it far more likely they are just displaying normal curiosity?

What do you mean when you say you think they are asking these questions to get a reaction? What kind of reaction do you give that would lead you to think that?

Dellnum

I would just point out to them that it is bad manners to ask personal questions and then they won't ask you any more. If they tell their mother that you said that just say that you saved her the trouble of telling them that.

Zen65

family stuff wrote: »

It's silly that I'm letting 10 year olds affect me like this I know.

This is probably the best advice you could be offered, and it came from the person who knows you best.

dudara

i think you probably projecting your own fustrations onto the kids. You describe your relationship as "stagnant". Kids literally don't have the life experience to notice that. They may however recognise that this is a sore spot for you and, like many kids, they enjoy pushing your buttons.

If the kids are getting to you, then instead of getting annoyed with them, you should turn inwards and ask why they are getting to you?

Ave Sodalis

Kids ask questions OP, especially about something they don't perceive as normal. Unless the kid understands that it can make people who don't like their situation uncomfortable, I doubt there was any maliciousness behind it. Have you sat the kids down and explained the answer to their question? Just tell them about the fact that some people don't have a partner and kids and that just because mammy and daddy do, doesn't mean everyone does and that's okay. Everyone is different.

Most of the time, kids are only looking for an explanation. They don't even mind what the answer is. Kids are far more accepting of things than adults, they're just curious. I suspect that this is the case here.

Penny Tration

I agree with the posters who say you seem to be projecting your own issues onto the kids.

They're children. Kids that young aren't deliberately malicious or looking for a rise.

There are really easy ways to answer their questions, too!

'why don't you have kids? '

Oh, I don't think I could ever love any kids more than I love you guys!

' Why aren't you married?'

I'm waiting til you're grown up because that way you can be my bridesmaids/groomsmen.

Silly answers that'll satisfy their curiosity and make them happy.

orthsquel

Kids that age are close to the stage where their own mother may as well be 118 years old and may be curious about ages of others, especially when their birthdays are celebrated and they know the ages of all their friends, to them it's not an inappropriate question to ask; same with being married, they probably spend time around at friend's houses and a common thing they might see between home, school and friend's houses is that adults around them are parents and might be married, so they might wonder why an adult like yourself, who may be a bit like their mother to them, isn't married and hasn't children. Think it this way, even teacher might be married/getting married so it would be a norm to them that adults generally are over a certain age (that anything over an age they know about is considered ancient), are generally married and usually have kids because that's what they're exposed to day in day out, even when that isn't the case, there's a general applicable assumption that they are because they're adults and that's what adults do.

It's nothing personal against you that they ask those questions. It's just that what they see around them in their world and them trying to relate it to you somehow. It's like trying to figure out what you are, relative to their experiences and how limited their experiences are.

Even if the kids might have overheard a conversation between their parents about you - and that may not necessarily have been a mean conversation either - it is possible that they just overheard it and made whatever sense of it they wanted, even the wrong end of the stick, but certainly wouldn't be aware that it might be a sensitive issue to you specifically, they'd more than likely ask the same questions to a school nurse, the postman, a person in a shop if they overheard something about them too.

Big Bag of Chips

A 10 year old would think a 20 year old is the same age as their parents and should be married/have children. Because their parents are married/have children. Their friends' parents are married/have children. Their cousins' parents are married/have children etc etc... So in their very limited experience adults are married/have children.

They know nothing about adult relationships, stagnant or otherwise. They haven't yet developed their sense of social etiquette so haven't really learned what is or isn't an acceptable question to ask... They just wonder something so they ask. They may have asked their mother and she said "I don't know, ask her yourselves".

In future tell them that you are not married because [insert whatever reason]. Also tell them that it's rude to ask people such personal questions and some people might feel a bit offended.

They're just kids. They don't yet have adult complexities.

Edit: Someone above mentioned you projecting your own insecurities

family stuff wrote: »

I'm almost in my mid thirties (and have a little issue with)

Your nieces/nephews have no issue with you being mid thirties. Mid twenties, mid fifties... It's all "adults" to them!

They know I'm in a relationship that has been a bit stagnant for the last while.

How on earth would they know you are in a stagnant relationship?!

I can't help thinking that they must hear my sister and her husband talking about these things in their own home - maybe i'm being paranoid!

They probably aren't talking about you. I'm sure we'd all be very surprised (and maybe a little disappointed!) at how little others think or talk about us. Most people have enough going on in their own families to care whether someone else is married or having children etc.

Is it time to start looking at your relationship? Looking at where you want in to go? Looking at what you hope for yourself in the next 3, 5, 8 years etc? I think the kids' questions have hit a nerve with you. That's not their intention, but maybe you can use it to make decisions.

zoobizoo

Kids have no real concept of time, money, days, dates, age, distance.

I would not follow the advice to "point out to them that it is bad manners to ask personal questions" because it seems a bizarre thing to say to inquisitive children ie their natural disposition.

My nieces ask me loads of questions and I answer them as honestly as I can. Alternatively I laugh them off and tell them to get lost.

"have you got a girlfriend?" "what age is your girlfriend?" "why do you not have your own house?" etc etc etc...

Big Bag of Chips

Small kids have no concept of the above mentioned things. Your 10 year old niece/nephew is old enough to start learning and be aware of others' feelings, and what may be a personal question.

Dellnum

I just that if you do not teach children the difference between good manners and bad manners they will never learn and in order for them to learn someone has to tell them.

jimmycrackcorm

Kids don't understand the nuances of what asking those type of questions would be but you could deal with them in a more relaxed manner.

tell them you're almost 60 years old and ask do they think you look a lot younger.

As for why you don't have kids, the answer is why would you need kids when you have already got such wonderful nieces and nephews.

LegacyUser

When I read this I started to laugh. A bit of background first. I'm a single woman in my early 40's and the last time I had a steady boyfriend it was before my nieces and nephews were born. When one of my nieces got to the same age as yours she asked me questions very like what you got asked. Why haven't I got a man? Why did I never get married? Do I have a boyfriend? Why have I got no kids? Why's my hair the color it is? I'd be lying if I said the questions didn't sting a bit at the time but I laughed it off. There wasn't any malice in what my niece said. She was pushing the envelope a bit but kids do that.

LegacyUser

Don't take it to heart OP. When kids ask these questions they are not just asking about you, but trying to place order on things they don't understand, like why some people are married and some aren't.

They are quick to pick up on deviations. It's the norm to be married and have children in their eyes so why haven't you? They want to make sense of their world.

My 7 year old thinks I married his dad. It comes out in comments like "that's why you married my dad" and I simply don't have the wherewithall to explain the complexities of the difference between marrying someone and having a child with them so I just let him think what he thinks until his mind can organise adult complexities.

I get a lot of questions about marriage, including can boys marry each other...

His friends and their siblings will from time to time be perplexed and ask where his dad is and why he isn't here. It's a natural and essential curiosity, it's children trying to figure out the world they are living in, and the complicated world that we are leaving in our wake.

Don't take it personally but try to find and answer their minds can understand at their level.

Big Bag of Chips

not personal wrote: »

My 7 year old thinks I married his dad. It comes out in comments like "that's why you married my dad" and I simply don't have the wherewithall to explain the complexities of the difference between marrying someone and having a child with them

When my eldest was 7 I was explaining to them that my sister wasn't married to her children's dad. My 7 year old then told me that that meant his cousins were a miracle, because you have to be married to have children! He genuinely believed that. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and our children used to say "when Daddy was married to xxx's Mammy...."

My other sister is getting married next year to a man who has children. When I told my children about the wedding they asked was she not already married!

They are complicated scenarios for some adults to get their head around. They seem even more complicated to a child. But as mentioned, children accept answers much quicker than adults. They are not interested in your private life. They are too wrapped up in their own life to even care what happens anyone else! They are just interested in life in general, and why some people are married and some are not. Why some people have children, why some don't. They are not asking why you don't have kids from your perspective, they are asking from their own... Your children would be their cousins. They don't care about you (I mean that the nicest possible way!!) they are thinking about themselves, their friends and their potential cousins.

Ken.

In your first post you say "We were brought up in an environment that made it difficult for us to speak our mind". I would congratulate your sister for breaking that cycle by bringing up her children to be more out-going and forward. Yes the questions are a bit close to the bone but they'll grow out of it.

Sinall

A friend's daughter once said to me, "WHY is your hair so curly? Hair is supposed to be straight. " I asked her why hair is supposed to be straight and she couldn't answer except to say that most of the people she knows have straight hair. I think it just occurred to her that my hair was a bit different to what she was used to and that made her curious.

op, I wouldn't say there's any discussion going on about your personal circumstances- it's just that children are curious creatures!

Neyite

Kids ask inappropriate stuff. It's their job. And the stuff they ask you is nowhere near as awkward as the stuff they likely ask their parent. If I'd a fiver for every awkward question the niblings asked me over the years, I'd be sailing the Med on a yacht right now.

By far the best one (or worst, though I can laugh about it now) was my nephew asking me why I had a different boyfriend in all the pictures in their family album. And then started naming them all out to my current partner, to the absolute glee of the entire family.

Sometimes if the child is a bit older, and is being cheeky, you can nicely put them in their place, but if they are younger, they are probably just using their childlike logic and curiosity where in their world grown-ups have a husband/ wife, you are a grown-up, so ergo, where is yours? Its just harmless curiosity.

Having said that, some kids are experts at spotting where your weak spots are, and prod and prod you for a reaction. So maybe they sense that you are feeling self-concious about it and while they may not know why, want to push your buttons on the issue.

A couple of stock phrases ranging from jokey replies to nice ways of putting manners on them up your sleeve will help a lot.

walshb

MrWalsh wrote: »

I think you're projecting your own issues here.

Are you actually saying that 10 year old children are thinking about and getting ready questions to ask you to try and make you feel uncomfortable? Do you really think young children would do this? Isn't it far more likely they are just displaying normal curiosity?

What do you mean when you say you think they are asking these questions to get a reaction? What kind of reaction do you give that would lead you to think that?

Ridiculous. 10 year olds can understand what is appropriate and what is not in some circumstances. If their parents educate them then they should have some grasp. If the OPs sister has any cop on she would know that those questions are a little too intrusive and nosey and off. If she doesn't know, then she must be damn ignorant. BTW, it's a parental issue. It's up to the parents of the 10 year old(s) to nip this in the bud! From reading the OP the questions seem deliberate and thought out, not just random and out of boredom.

Advice to OP. If the children's questioning makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home then either say it to the parents, or don't invite them over.

walshb

ken wrote: »

I would congratulate your sister for breaking that cycle by bringing up her children to be more out-going and forward. Yes the questions are a bit close to the bone but they'll grow out of it.

Or more rude and nosey? Depends how you look at it...

Ken.

walshb wrote: »

Or more rude and nosey? Depends how you look at it...

I would say out-going and forward if it's a friend or relative. Rude and nosy if it was some random stranger. But that's just my opinion.

walshb

ken wrote: »

I would say out-going and forward if it's a friend or relative. Rude and nosy if it was some random stranger. But that's just my opinion.

Doesn't matter who it is. Once or twice I could understand, but continuing to ask such questions is an obvious sign that the parents don't give a toss. From reading the OP the questions seem a little more deliberate as opposed to curious and innocent. The questions are nosey and overly personal and inappropriate. I think we all agree here. The issue is that some think it's kids being kids. Yes, that can explain a once or twice off, but not the continual querying. Proper parenting and education should nip that in the bud. If not then the kids are just weird.

BTW, being forward a lot of the time involves rudeness.

MrWalsh

walshb wrote: »

I think we all agree here.

I dont see anyone agreeing with your opinion. Its normal for children to ask ordinary questions like what age a relative is, why they arent married etc.

Lollipops23

Kids will always (and always have) work off a reaction. If they saw that asking you questions about your love life etc made you embarrassed and awkward, of COURSE they'll try it again and again. It's what kids do.

But you're the adult. If you're so insecure about something that children are able to gauge it and get a rise out of you due to it, you need to look at that issue.

walshb

MrWalsh wrote: »

I dont see anyone agreeing with your opinion. Its normal for children to ask ordinary questions like what age a relative is, why they arent married etc.

I think most have agreed that the questions are a little too personal and inappropriate. I agree that kids can ask awkward and inappropriate questions, as they are too young to realise. Adults too can ask them. No excuse for them but rudeness and ignorance. If 10 year old nieces or nephews are making an aunt or uncle uncomfortable with personal questions (and they are personal and inappropriate) then it's up to their parents to stop it and nip it in the bid. That's my opinion. Failing this then stay away from the person. Excusing is at kids will be kids is a cop out. Parents are the ones who are responsible for this incident.

walshb

Lollipops23 wrote: »

But you're the adult. If you're so insecure about something that children are able to gauge it and get a rise out of you due to it, you need to look at that issue.

What about the other adults, the kids' parents? Nothing to do with them? Who said anything about getting a rise? The OP simply finds their questioning too personal. I agree with her.

This is unreal. If I was at home and my nieces or nephews continued to pry and ask personal questions whilst in my home there are two scenarios 1> They don't come over, or 2, my sister or brother would educate them and stop them behaving like so.

The bottom line is simple. The OP finds their continued questioning (in her home) inappropriate. The OP is correct, and we have folks telling the OP that it's an issue with her.....:rolleyes:

"they ALWAYS ask me 'What age are you?" "why aren't you married", and "why don't you have any children?"

And you guys are saying that the OP has the issue? Bonkers.

Lollipops23

walshb wrote: »

"they ALWAYS ask me 'What age are you?" "why aren't you married", and "why don't you have any children?"

And you guys are saying that the OP has the issue? Bonkers.

Yes, parents should teach their kids what's appropriate and what's not. Do kids listen to parents? Not always.

OP, you're the grown up here. Simply say something like "You know it's not polite to ask people things like that. Have some manners!" Usually (unless the kid is a brat, which they may well be) this will embarrass the kid enough to stop.

Kids pick up on things we're insecure about. It's a fact.

MrWalsh

But the questions are normal type questions.

If you think a young relative asking you what age you are and why you arent married is too personal its because you are projecting your own insecurities about the answers to those questions onto the children.

Yes, parents are responsible for children, but kids are kids, a bit of healthy curiosity is a good thing.

walshb

Lollipops23 wrote: »

Yes, parents should teach their kids what's appropriate and what's not. Do kids listen to parents? Not always.

OP, you're the grown up here. Simply say something like "You know it's not polite to ask people things like that. Have some manners!" Usually (unless the kid is a brat, which they may well be) this will embarrass the kid enough to stop.

Kids pick up on things we're insecure about. It's a fact.

I would agree here. The parents should be stepping in and should make sure it doesn't happen. If the kids won't obey their parents then we have a whole other issue. And if they continue, either they are removed from the house or not brought there again. It's not good enough to be of the attitude that they're only kids. That's a cop out. Educate them and teach them. If after this they continue to cause offense then like I said, a whole other issue.

But to make out that the OP has the problem is wrong. She does not. She is dead right. In her home she is being made feel uncomfortable by 10 years olds ALWAYS asking personal questions about her. Where I would "fault" with her is that why does she allow them over if they are ALWAYS making her feel uncomfortable?

She has options. She either speaks to the parents and lets them know that the questioning is not on in her home. If this doesn't work, then she doesn't invite them over.

walshb

MrWalsh wrote: »

But the questions are normal type questions.

If you think a young relative asking you what age you are and why you arent married is too personal its because you are projecting your own insecurities about the answers to those questions onto the children.

Yes, parents are responsible for children, but kids are kids, a bit of healthy curiosity is a good thing.

You are missing the point. The questions are making the OP uncomfortable. That is how she feels, not you. They are personal questions. If you can't see that then so be it.

How can you say that being constantly asked by 10 year old nieces/nephews about your personal life is normal? We're not talking once or twice. The OP says it's constant. That is not normal. It's downright rude, bordering odd.

Healthy curiosity is a separate issue. Continuing to pry like the OP describes is something for the parents to nip in the bud.

I'd say to the OP, if she can, just say to the kids: "Don't ask me that again. It's rude and not mannerly." If after this they continue then get the F out! Kids or not. It's her home and her life. She doesn't have to be made feel uncomfortable in her home by anyone, of any age.

BTW, she shouldn't have to pull the kids up. That should have been taken care of from day 1 by the parents.

MrWalsh

walshb wrote: »

That is how she feels, not you.

Or you.

Context is everything, she goes on to say that the children know her relationship is stagnating - 10 year olds? Really? So one must put the feeling of the questions being too personal in this context. And the context is that the OP is projecting her own issues onto children who are not sophisticated enough to understand about stagnating relationships or how someone who is 30 may as well be 100.

My nieces and nephews often ask me questions about my personal life. Why wouldnt they?

walshb

MrWalsh wrote: »

My nieces and nephews often ask me questions about my personal life. Why wouldnt they?

And does it make you uncomfortable? If not then happy days.

Like I said, the OP has said that the continued questioning makes her uncomfortable. That is all I need to know.

Me personally: If I was visiting a friend or relative and my children were quizzing them like the OP says then I'd be not at all impressed, and my children would be taught about manners and decorum. Kids need teaching and learning. It is not their fault. It's a parental issue. I wouldn't even need the OP to tell me that those kinds of questions are personal and inappropriate. I'm a mature adult that can see it.

I am not sure if you have children. But are you telling me that you wouldn't bat an eyelid if your 10 year olds were constantly asking the kinds of questions that the OP says are being asked?

This blase attitude that kids will be kids and suck it up, and that the OP (in her own bloody home) has the issue is ridiculous.

cactusgal

I agree with walshb. Ten years old is old enough to be taught not to ask nosey questions. One of my mam's sisters was single for a good long time when we were kids. It wasn't seen as a bad or weird thing in our family (my own mother didn't marry until age 35), but we certainly knew not to be asking personal questions to our older relations. Most ten year olds know about sex and that there's no Santa, they're certainly old enough to know not to be rude. But, OP, I also think you need to be a bit more assertive in this situation as well. They are kids, you are the adult. Don't let them overstep the boundaries if it makes you uncomfortable.

Zen65

walshb wrote: »

You are missing the point. The questions are making the OP uncomfortable. That is how she feels, not you. They are personal questions.

They are questions from 10-year old children. To assign adult context to them is to distort the situation. If OP is uncomfortable with the questions it must almost certainly be that she is unhappy with the situation she finds herself in, rather than with the intent of the children.

Yes, they may be ill-mannered kids, I don't doubt. They may simply see that the questions make OP visibly uncomfortable, and they derive some entertainment from that because kids - as is often quoted - can be cruel. That is not to say that the are intentionally cruel, but their lack of understanding of social discomfort (because 10-year-olds often suffer no such thing) can make their words and actions cruel. I imagine many of us regret some of the cruel things we said to other kids in our school years?

Big Bag of Chips

family stuff wrote: »

We don't live very close to each other and I don't see them that often but when I do they ask me questions

This is from the opening post. So it's not as if the children are constantly in her house and always asking her these questions.

Context is everything, and you haven't given much OP other than to say due to your own circumstances these questions hurt your feelings. So explain to the children that you're not married because your bf hasn't asked you yet.... Let them then ask him why he hasn't asked you! You could always ask him, of course!

I think in this situation, like many of us do, you are possibly seeing things and imagining things that aren't there. 10 year olds have no idea what a stagnant relationship is! Your sister doesn't even really have an insight into what sort of relationship you have unless you tell her. I'm assuming you haven't.

Kids ask questions. You are bothered by these questions so you fob the children off and tell them it's rude etc. Other people have said they wouldn't be bothered so they would come up answers. Unless you are the only adult they know not married with kids then you're probably not the only person they ask.

I would also question how constant these questions are. Kids get bored of talking about others pretty quickly so while they may ask you whenever you see them it probably can't be considered "constant".

Have a think about where you want your relationship to go, and have your answers ready for them when they come back. E.g. You're planning on running away to get married on your 50th birthday. They'll be adults by the so you might let them go with you if they buy their own plane ticket. You might even have 4 kids by then so you're not sure if there'd be room on the plane for your nieces/nephews etc.

My mother in law has a saying about "giving your senses to a child". And she has a point. You are an adult. They are children. You can be 100% guaranteed you don't think in the same way.

walshb

Zen65 wrote: »

They are questions from 10-year old children. To assign adult context to them is to distort the situation. If OP is uncomfortable with the questions it must almost certainly be that she is unhappy with the situation she finds herself in, rather than with the intent of the children.

Yes, they may be ill-mannered kids, I don't doubt. They may simply see that the questions make OP visibly uncomfortable, and they derive some entertainment from that because kids - as is often quoted - can be cruel. That is not to say that the are intentionally cruel, but their lack of understanding of social discomfort (because 10-year-olds often suffer no such thing) can make their words and actions cruel. I imagine many of us regret some of the cruel things we said to other kids in our school years?

I am not assigning adult context to them. I clearly said that kids can ask awkward questions. This is not a once off. It's constant according to the OP. Now, that is where the OP needs to put up or shut up.

10 year olds aren't completely devoid of understanding. Any half decent parent would nip it in the bud. That is the point. It's not the kids at fault, it's the adults, and yes, the OP bears some of this, as she she the one that is allowing it just as much as the parents of the kids.

The situation is very simple: Kids can ask awkward questions. We agree. The questions in this case are a bit too personal and inappropriate, we agree. The OP says it's all the time, and it makes her feel uncomfortable, we agree. To then tell the OP that she has the issue, and that kids will be kids, is where I find that we disagree. That is a lame attitude and a cop out. Parenting and education and a simple but firm telling off to the children is what is needed. Failing that and the OP needs to make a decision. Should she continue as is and just put up with being made feel uncomfortable in her home, or should she act to try and help herself?

By the sounds of it it seems that it's up to her to tell the children to stop, seeing as it's constant I don't think the parents have had any say or input.

Big Bag of Chips

walshb, you are reminded that this is an advice forum, and as such posters are expected to direct advice at the OP. You have now made your point. From here on could you please only offer advice to the OP, or don't post.

All posters are reminded that dragging the thread off topic into discussion is not allowed. Personal Issues is an advice forum. We ask that all post offer mature constructive and considered advice to the OP. "Talking amongst yourselves" offers no help to the person seeking advice.