What is the path of least resistance to get legally registered as a couple?

Justin1982

Hi,

Myself and my partner have been together for a few years and hopefully intend to stay that way. Absolutely no interest in marriage or ceremonies. I'd prefer to remain as we are but considering that if I died then my partner would have no rights to inherit anything from me unless I make a will and she would have to pay a large tax percentage on it all. So I'd like to do the absolute bare minimum to make her my legal partner entitling her to inherit all that I own tax free should I drop dead for whatever reason.

Presumably the least I can do is fill out a few forms for a civil partnership, wait 3 months, turn up at some office, sign a piece of paper and pay 200 euro for it? Or is there more hoops that have to be jumped through and hidden fees?

I'm a He and she's a She by the way......Just in case that becomes an important factor

Lux23

Get married. A civil partnership is basically the same and is just for same sex couples. You can do exactly what you have described but with marriage. Plus Civil Partnership might not exist in a years time.

Help!!!!

I think you mean civil wedding.......getting married in registry office?
That's what we did, takes as long or as short as you want it. Think ours was 20mins that included music with a harp & a speech

lazygal

We got married in ten minutes, no frills and just the basic ceremony. We registered about six.months before but if you're not fussy about dates and times you could be ready to go within three months. You'll need two witnesses. Our mums were ours.

fits

I honestly dont comprehend what people think marriage is for at times. OP what youre looking for is legal marriage. Thats how you tell the state you are a couple.

Justin1982

Sound thanks. Civil marriage it is so. Better get filling out forms and hope I don't get run over by a herd of stampeding rhinos within the next three months.

Justin1982

fits wrote: »

I honestly dont comprehend what people think marriage is for at times.

Sorry, don't understand what you mean?

January

Ring your local Births, Deaths and Marriages office and get an appointment for your twelve week notice. You'll need birth certs (with apostile stamps if you're not Irish citizens), photo ID, proof of address and the 200 euro fee. You'll also need the names and dates of births of your two witnesses (but these can be changed up to and on the day by the registrar). You'll also need to contact your local registry office (sometimes the same place as the BDM office depending on where you live, not so in Dublin) and get a date for that place too and give them the date at the notice appointment.

tinkerbell

Justin1982 wrote: »

Sorry, don't understand what you mean?

You say in your OP that you've no interest in marriage but what you are asking for is what marriage gives you. What understanding of marriage did you have previously? I'm with fits on this one - I don't understand the massive resistance to getting married - it's not "just a piece of paper", it gives you rights, and very important ones at that.

Just go to your local civil reg office, fill in the forms to give 3 months notice and get married. Job done. It'll cost €200 to get it done in their office.

MarieOC

Depending on your holiday plans/ desire for a weekend away you don't always have to wait 3 months - Scotland only requires a months notice, think Northern Ireland is about the same

January

NI is two weeks

Tarzana2

tinkerbell wrote: »

I'm with fits on this one - I don't understand the massive resistance to getting married - it's not "just a piece of paper", it gives you rights, and very important ones at that.

I understand it, exactly because it's "not just a piece of paper". People change, fall out of love, drift apart. If this happens, marriage is a long, arduous thing to extricate yourself from in this country. I totally understand skittishness around the subject.

MrWalsh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I understand it, exactly because it's "not just a piece of paper". People change, fall out of love, drift apart. If this happens, marriage is a long, arduous thing to extricate yourself from in this country. I totally understand skittishness around the subject.

Yes, but people say "im not into marriage or ceremonies but I want..." and then go on to describe all the legal rights that marriage gives.

Well if you want those things, guess what? You get married!

eviltwin

I took from the OP he wants the most hassle free way of getting married, maybe he is confusing marriage with wedding, you can have the big circus if you want but equally you can do it without any fuss.

Tarzana2

eviltwin wrote: »

I took from the OP he wants the most hassle free way of getting married, maybe he is confusing marriage with wedding, you can have the big circus if you want but equally you can do it without any fuss.

That's what I took from it too, just doesn't want a big palaver. He probably could have worded the OP more succinctly but don't really get some of the replies he got.

Justin1982

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I understand it, exactly because it's "not just a piece of paper". People change, fall out of love, drift apart. If this happens, marriage is a long, arduous thing to extricate yourself from in this country. I totally understand skittishness around the subject.

Yeah exactly. My own personal opinion is that marriage is a pile of horse do do and has more in common with a prison sentence than true love or a lasting relationship founded on true love. My personal circumstances are that I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend for a few years, we live together a few years, we are happy, we intend to stay together hopefully and I'd like to stay that way. I don't feel the need to attach myself to her in some sort of binding contract but if I dropped dead in the morning I'd like to know that she inherited all my "stuff", as in my house, my car, my life assurance payout, my money, my dogs, yadda yaddda yadda. If we are married then she inherits it more or less tax free as far as I know but she has to pay a hefty tax on it all if I am not married to her and I leave everything to her in my will as my partner.

Justin1982

Anyway since then myself and my partner both arrived at the same conclusion that we had to get married to formally have her recognized as my legal partner for inheritance. So when I mention to her that we probably have to get married the **** kind of hit the fan. All of a sudden she changes her mind and goes into traditional wedding mode. Wants me to propose properly to her, buy the ring, wants a wedding dress and do the whole celebration that goes with getting married possibly. After all the times over the last few years that we discussed how we both didnt see the need for marriage, would avoid it like the plague and laughted at people who took all the rubbish that goes with marriage seriously. I only mentioned it to her once and I had to shut up very quickly because it was immediately moving away from the path of least resistance that I was planning. She didnt say much because I shut down pretty quickly by telling her "You know I am not into all that and you know I told you a million times I would never buy anyone a ring or do the whole romantic proposal". It was just going to turn into a row if I said another word or tried to talk it out. So I have ignored the subject since then. But I know now that it is basically all she is thinking about and all she is talking about to her friends. I also know now that she would like a full on, state of the art, wedding with all the trimmings if she could have it. She is not an overly demanding sort of person I admit but I'm afraid now to talk to her about it as I really would even hate to have any of my friends or family know that I got married and there is no way I want to do anything more than apply, go down the office and sign a piece of paper. There would be a Spanish inquisition from everyone I know about why I didnt go down the whole traditional route. I know she is thinking about the whole marriage thing big time now because she has spent the last few days throwing jibes at me and sulking over the fact I said I would not propose to her traditionally and I didnt want to go down the traditional wedding route. You know like. Just being petty about simple stuff and trying to create agro between us where there is no need and then explaining herself with "Well why would I bother if you couldnt be bothered" or "No I wont be doing that for you anymore because I'm obviously not important enough".

MrWalsh

It sounds like you have quite an immature view of marriage. Hating that your friends or family would know you are married sounds the way a teenager would hate people knowing he has a girlfriend. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Seeing as yourself and the gf are on such different pages wrt to marriage I think it'd be a bad idea for ye to get married. Maybe when you have less of an aversion to commitment it might be worth rethinking it. Or if you never do, then it'd be better for you to stay single.

Faith

Well, I'd say you've reached a crucial make-or-break moment in your relationship, Justin. You floated the idea of marriage and it was well received. But obviously you both want very different things. One of you is going to have to compromise here, so you need to think seriously about what's more important: The woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, or your aversion to an event.

Justin1982

MrWalsh wrote: »

It sounds like you have quite an immature view of marriage. Hating that your friends or family would know you are married sounds the way a teenager would hate people knowing he has a girlfriend. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Seeing as yourself and the gf are on such different pages wrt to marriage I think it'd be a bad idea for ye to get married. Maybe when you have less of an aversion to commitment it might be worth rethinking it. Or if you never do, then it'd be better for you to stay single.

Not really an immature view of marriage as much as a realistic view of it. I won't bore you with the detail but I've seen plenty of marriages in my own family go from hero to zero and seen how lives can be ruined by it. Either by the emotional fallout or the financial fallout. I'm just not stupid enough to claim that myself and my partner will always be forever in love and never break up. Its probably a low chance but who knows what the future holds.

But my main concern is more the carnival that goes with getting married. I just have no interest in it and don't want to have anything to do with it. I'm not completely unromantic but I just don't buy into crap like buying rings and spending thousands on weddings. For me its just materialism from start to finish and the money could go to better causes if I was going to throw 10 grand away in one go. And my family are the sort that completely buy into the whole wedding circus and they are pretty religious which means you have to get married a certain way. In a church, invite the family, big day out. I'd marry my partner tomorrow, I know she loves me and she would never leave me bar I did something like cheat on her but I don't want a big day out. And the **** would hit the fan with my family if I got married on the quiet without having the big day out. They would really never understand that. I just know them too well So if we get married it has to be quiet, there can be no rings, no talk about it before or after and the two witnesses to the wedding will have to sign a non disclosure agreement.

Honestly I have always been upfront with any girl I dated about who I am and what I want out of life. I have always known I would either not get married or get have some sort of civil marriage if I did end up with someone long term. It has caused relationships to break up as it can be so important to a lot of women. But my current partner is still with me because we kind of have the same philosophy on life including on marriage and we've talked about this numerous times before. Its just that she is changing her mind now that its kind of a closer reality. Its not the sort of issue that is going to cause us to break up. If I thought she was that dense then we would never have got on as well as we do in the first place. It does appear like its going to cause a bit of agro but she'll just have to build a bridge and get over it

We've also agreed that we both don't want kids. I have no doubt that she will change her mind about that at some stage but she'll be barking up the wrong tree there

Faith

Justin1982 wrote: »

So if we get married it has to be quiet, there can be no rings, no talk about it before or after and the two witnesses to the wedding will have to sign a non disclosure agreement.

Oh yeah, that sounds like a reasonable idea... I've seen some mad threads here in my time, but this is definitely one of the top!

Why do you care so much about what your family thinks? Your girlfriend is your future family. It should be about what you and she want, not what your family wants.

Justin1982

Faith wrote: »

Oh yeah, that sounds like a reasonable idea... I've seen some mad threads here in my time, but this is definitely one of the top!

Why do you care so much about what your family thinks? Your girlfriend is your future family. It should be about what you and she want, not what your family wants.

Well I'm not really being serious. Kind of am. Kind of not. You'd want to add a pinch of salt to what I'm saying.

I can get married. I'm flexible there. I can even buy a ring. I can even go down on one knee (although it goes against all my principles). I can even scrap the non disclosure agreement. Just more worried about where it all ends. At a certain stage I'll just regret mentioning to her anything to her about inheriting my empire in the first instance. I should have just written a will and let her pay the friggen tax!

fits

Honestly Justin you are not coming across very well here. You are looking at things in an extremely selfish manner. You need to sit down with your partner and discuss the marriage thing and whether either of you want children.

tinkerbell

Sorry if this is being a bit blunt, but what a load of nonsense. Justin, you say you have a realistic view of marriage, not an immature one and that lives are ruined by marriage. By that admission then you shouldn't ever even be in a relationship. Relationships either work or they don't - the actual act of marriage has nothing to do with it - it's the actual relationship itself. And using that anyway as an excuse is a bit of a cop out anyway.

I am gobsmacked that you would demand your witnessss to sign an NDA for fear your family would find out and that you'd expect your then wife to never speak about it again and that nobody can find out. So you expect your wife then to go around never referring to you then as her husband? What in the world? There's one thing with having a low key affair (registry office etc) and then demanding a secret marriage where you can not even talk about it afterwards. If I were your gf I would be declining your ridiculous offer and I'd be seriously reconsidering things given how controlling you wanted to be. And that by demanding that nobody ever find out, it'll give your gf the impression that you are ashamed of her. I suggest you re-evaluate your priorities.

And by the way, you can write your estate etc in a will, but you can't change your next of kin that way.

anothernight

So you essentially want the benefits of marriage, without getting married.
You admit that your position on marriage has caused breakups before, but for some reason you believe it won't happen this time.
You think that your girlfriend will somehow get over not getting married (even though she really wants it now), but your family would never get over it if you had a very low-key wedding.

Makes total sense. :roll eyes:


On the second point, a quote by Albert Einstein comes to mind: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
You might want to evaluate whether it is likely that she'll honestly get over the lack of a marriage now.

eviltwin

Justin' I'm curious. Why would you want a NDA about your marriage? Seems a bit extreme not to mention insulting.

tinkerbell

eviltwin wrote: »

Justin' I'm curious. Why would you want a NDA about your marriage? Seems a bit extreme not to mention insulting.

A bit extreme doesn't even cover it. If my partner told me that he would only get married if the witnessss signed an NDA so that nobody would find out and that I was then never allowed to speak about the fact that I got married, then I would be telling him where to shove his marriage.

How is that even gonna work in practical terms? You have to notify places also if you get married, such as the work place (if there are company benefits for spouses of employees etc), people are gonna find out. This whole notion is just ridiculous.

January

I really think you need to sit down with your partner and explain that you never ever want kids. If she changes her mind and you tell her no in the future that will definitely spell the end of your relationship. Better to give her a let out now than to do it a couple of years down the line and possibly married at that too.

lazygal

Op this attitude of yours sounds immature and unrealistic. Most couples I know seem to have happy marriages and life hasn't altered drastically because they've chosen to solemnise a relationship. If you're so opposed to those things that are necessary or desirable for your partner to get married why be in a relationship at all. My now husband met women before me who never wanted to get married so there are women out there more in line with your views.
But honestly the attitude coming across in your posts speaks of someone who should not be in a relationship if everything is on his terms, down to dictating even as a joke that the marriage is wholly about what they want

MrWalsh

Kind of weird that an adult would be so hung up on what their family thinks that they'd be talking about non disclosure agreements about their marriage. You know a marriage certificate is a matter of public record right?

You sound like a little child stamping his feet insisting that he wants it HIS WAY!

I feel bad for your partner, she'd be better off with someone who understands that a marriage is not rings, a party, a fear of breakup. You simply don't understand what it is the way you're going on.

Malari

In a way I sort of feel sorry for you Justin, because your partner seemed to agree with everything you wanted, and now she's done a U-turn. We've done a lot of talking in our relationship about what we both want and I would be horrified if we decided to marry and my partner suddenly wanted a big church wedding and a big hotel shindig.

Having said that, I don't see the point of keeping it secret afterwards when your family can't do anything to try to force you into a ceremony you don't want.

You both really need to have a proper chat and see where you can compromise if you want to have the benefits that marriage gives you.

bee06

Your ideas of marriage are bizarre. People break up because they aren't right for each other not because they are married. Marriage doesn't cause relationship break up.

As for the messiness of a divorce, it's the same for a non-married couple if they own a house together or even if one of them owns a house that the other had lived in for a certain length of time. Life is messy full stop.

December2012

I don't agree with the Ops idea of marriage but he's entitled to his opinion. Problem is OP, your girlfriend doesn't agree with you.

It does seem odd that you don't want anybody to know you're married.

You and your girlfriend are not matched.

It's possible you could come to an agreement, but I think that's unlikely to happen without the help of a relationship therapist so you can both work out what you actual want without fear of judgment or recrimination.

kandr10

To be fair to your girlfriend Justin, you've also changed your stance. You both agreed no marriage then you pipe up that you essentially do (albeit without the fuss). Perhaps she just feels no marriage is fine but if you do go down that line that she'd like her family involved and to make an occasion of it. You can't have it both ways.

fits

December2012 wrote: »

I It does seem odd that you don't want anybody to know you're married.

.

Sounds to me like he has ranted on about marriage for years without really understanding what its about. And doesn't want people to know now as it'd be a bit of an embarrassing climbdown. Just a guess.

Neyite

You both appear to be coming from opposite extremes. You want s totally secret marraige to the extent you want witnesses to sign an NDA, and you seem to think she wants a massive wedding.

As a couple, you either need to find a middle ground that both of you are happy to live with, or part ways. If you had kids, then I'd say try and find that middle ground, but if you plan to be a child free couple then just go to a solicitor and figure out how she gets to inherit your stuff and vice versa.

Your idea of an NDA is, sorry to say, probably not feasable on several levels. Firstly they are witnesses to a change in legal status of two people, so they HAVE to be able to say, if asked, what they legally witnessed. A marriage is a matter of public record, by law it must take place in a venue open to the public, thats the whole POINT of it. Otherwise its open to bigamy and abuse for visa purposes and more. I highly doubt that asking witnesses to sign an NDA is even legal. Would you want your wife to sign one too??

Addle

Can't anyone look up marriage certificates anyways?

MrWalsh

Addle wrote: »

Can't anyone look up marriage certificates anyways?

Yes, I dont imagine a non disclosure agreement would be considered a legally binding document in this case.

Its fantasy anyway, its a childish way of trying not to lose face over a mind change re marriage.

MelanieC

For God's Sake! You both essentially want the same thing - to be married. You want to make sure she's financially secure & she wants a nice wedding day. So just do it. You may not be into the day itself but it's important to a lot of women & obviously is to her so just suck it up & give her her day.

It's one day out of your life & then your finances are sorted,she's had her nice wedding - everyone's happy. You say you love your gf,so then put her wishes before yours for one day!

The kids thing is your real issue tbh coz that's not just a day,that's a lifetime. You should make sure you're both really on the same page there before doing anything at all.