Female Breadwinners....

wuffly

Apologies if there is a thread on this already I couldn't find one.
Basically my other half has left his job and wants to start his own business which leaves me as the breadwinner for the time being. I'll be honest I'm stressed, I don't love my job, I'm good at it and I get on well with most people there but I do it because it gives me the freedom to save, travel and generally buy what I want (within reason). As the sole breadwinner all the extras vanish. Other half had to leave the job (boss was not honest over a lot of things and we just couldn't justify him staying there any longer, he's also owed a lot of money- these are side notes before people ask why etc.) I'm just wondering if there are any other ladies out there supporting their other halfs? I know lots of men do this but I am looking for ladies perspective if possible. How did/do you find it? How/did it affect you planning kids etc..? We live in the Middle East so Mat leave is an issue as I am only entitled to 45 calender days off. Please be gentle its my first time in the ladies lounge!

wuffly

wuffly wrote: »

Apologies if there is a thread on this already I couldn't find one.
Basically my other half has left his job and wants to start his own business which leaves me as the breadwinner for the time being. I'll be honest I'm stressed, I don't love my job, I'm good at it and I get on well with most people there but I do it because it gives me the freedom to save, travel and generally buy what I want (within reason). As the sole breadwinner all the extras vanish. Other half had to leave the job (boss was not honest over a lot of things and we just couldn't justify him staying there any longer, he's also owed a lot of money- these are side notes before people ask why etc.) I'm just wondering if there are any other ladies out there supporting their other halfs? I know lots of men do this but I am looking for ladies perspective if possible. How did/do you find it? How/did it affect you planning kids etc..? We live in the Middle East so Mat leave is an issue as I am only entitled to 45 calender days off. Please be gentle its my first time in the ladies lounge!

I haven't been In you position, the one thing that jumps out for you post is that you need to change your thinking about the situation a bit, marriage is a partnership your are both equally responsible. How are woman still being brought up to believe they wont be working out side the home for the rest of their lives and that some how any money they earn is just a bit extra for the family.

Try and imagine if a man posted your post and basically said I mostly only work for the extra fun money and now I am not happy because I will have to give up my fun money and be responsible and take my career seriously, lots of people work in jobs they don't like and have to stick it out to look after their family.

whippet

my wife earns about 3 times my salary (and I have a decent salary) .. her career has taken off in the last couple of years (after two maternity leaves) and it took a little while to get my head around the fact that she now is the main breadwinner.

I'm cool with it ..although even with the best intentions with young children she is still the main caregiver; its just the way it is and she thankfully can balance the busy work schedule with parenting .. however, when she has to travel with work it is my job that suffers as I have to change my schedule to suit her diary.

Regardless .. it all goes in to the one pot and be both reap the rewards ..

eviltwin

I was the sole breadwinner for a while after my husband became a stay at home dad. It wasn't an issue for me and he loved being at home. I guess there is pressure when one wage is no longer there but that pressure would be the same regardless of the circumstance. I didn't feel it had any negative impact on our relationship, quite the opposite in fact as we were spending better quality time together rather than being ships passing in the night and as he was parenting full time I never felt I was being taken for a ride. He's back working full time now because we need the money but it was nice while it lasted.

berrecka

After some time of fruitless job applications, my unemployed husband is setting up his own business.

I have an ok job; we can live off my salary. He is in receipt of an enterprise grant. We don't make huge money, but at the moment its just the two of us, so its no hardship really.

Im happy to support him, as I know he would me were roles reversed.

pwurple

Myself and my husband used to work together, earning about the same in a company that looked like it was about to go under.

Rather than hold out for redundancy, we decided that one of us should jump early and get a different job, so I left that company and started contracting. Fast forward, that company survived, and he is still there. I outearn him now but we consider it pooled money. I took the risk, it could have backfired too. What I do is still riskier, so it evens out in my head.

wuffly

Thanks for the feedback. Guess I was looking more for how sole breadwinners cope? All our money goes in one pot (Sharia law means we don't have a joint account in case something happens to either of us it would get frozen but we have a budget). I mentioned loss of spending power as moved here so we could save and travel. He's working very hard to get things up an running. It just worries me being the only source of income. I work in oil and gas, jobs are not exactly growing on trees and the business is making cuts left right and centre. I've been made redundant before guess I am over sensitive to it. If i get knocked up we are goosed, my boss has openly said if you don't need someone while they are mat leave you don't need them, there are no short term contracts due to visa costs. In any case I wouldn't leave a 6 week old at home.

pwurple

wuffly wrote: »

Thanks for the feedback. Guess I was looking more for how sole breadwinners cope? All our money goes in one pot (Sharia law means we don't have a joint account in case something happens to either of us it would get frozen but we have a budget). I mentioned loss of spending power as moved here so we could save and travel. He's working very hard to get things up an running. It just worries me being the only source of income. I work in oil and gas, jobs are not exactly growing on trees and the business is making cuts left right and centre. I've been made redundant before guess I am over sensitive to it. If i get knocked up we are goosed, my boss has openly said if you don't need someone while they are mat leave you don't need them, there are no short term contracts due to visa costs. In any case I wouldn't leave a 6 week old at home.

I don't think it makes a whole pile of difference whether you are male or female in a relationship when one person is not earning.

It can be stressful. Both for the person not working, and the pressure on the sole earner.

Are you planning a pregnancy soon? If so, might have been the time to discuss that before he quit that job!

wuffly

It is stressful, guess I am just getting used to it. I know lots of people do it, its just new to me. The job situation wasn't tenable as it was, so quitting was the only option. Will just need to get my head around it and hope my company stays afloat!

Rosy Posy

I have a different angle on this. Growing up my mam was the major breadwinner of the household. My dad worked but my mam is much more highly qualified and did the long hours- leaving before I got up for school and arriving home as I was going to bed or later. If I was sick and had to stay home my dad would have been the one to take off.

I think that you need to keep honest and open lines of communication about your expectations and feelings around an untraditional division of labour. My parents fell into a horrible pattern of a sort of retreat into academia and a learned helplessness in the rest of the world on my mothers part, and systematic belittling on my fathers. Even after retirement my mother is almost wilfully inept at some basic tasks and will frequently trot out 'I must be stupid' (the woman has a phd and multiple masters ffs) and 'your father knows all about that sort of thing'. It was really hard for him not to feel emasculated and she worked hard to try to boost his ego by putting herself down constantly.

I know that thankfully times have moved on and this may not be an issue for you but it might help to acknowledge the possibility and develop healthy strategies for dealing with it.

wuffly

Thanks Rosy, good advice! In terms of staying at home when we have kids, we have always said if we could manage one of us would do it while they were little up to 1-2yrs. If for any reason the business doesn't take off he would go back to working for a company and when we have kids we'd decide if we could afford it and who should stay at home. Like you said communication would be key to making sure we don't get caught in a cycle like you mentioned, who ever stays at home. My mother worked her whole life on the farm and raising us, so she never had her own income or the self worth/appreciation it would have given her. She does the same thing your mam does re the farm when she is just as good and experienced as my dad. Thanks for the input

sonners

I was in a similar position to you around 5 years ago Wuffly. Boyfriend gave up work to start his own business so mine was the only reliable wage coming into the house. To be honest, I was really proud that I could enable him like that. He had always helped me out over the years. He's a few years older so when I was in college and afterwards starting out on graduate wages, he was earning a decent few pound. I was always able to support myself but couldn't afford luxuries like holidays or anything. At that time he paid for these things for us because he had the money. He never asked for it back and when I brought it up he always said 'sure if you had it you'd share it with me'. Which is true!

So when the time came that he finally decided to leave the job he hated and start a business he was interested in I was hugely proud to be able to say 'Dont worry, I can cover things'. Thankfully, most weeks he brought in a few pound but the fact is he couldn't have rolled the dice if we didn't know my wages were there to pay the rent/bills every month.

I understand the stress and pressure you describe about having to stay in the job you're in, your flexibility to move jobs has been taken away now that everything relies on your wages. I would suggest talking to him about it because it doesn't have to be like that. I only felt that pressure when I was unhappy in work. When I was unhappy I would think 'well, I can't leave so I have to just put up with this'. When I eventually spoke to my boyfriend and was honest about it (I didn't want it to sound like I was blaming him for me not being able to leave my job) I felt so much better.

He pointed out that WE made the decision for him to start his own business and that if that no longer worked for US then WE would come up with an alternative. The main point being that the issue of money coming in was not just MY responsibility, I was the one ticking that box for now but if anything changed he would be trying to find a solution to it with me. If I lost my job in the morning it is not just up to me to replace that money it is up to both of us.

On a side note, we've just recently had our first child, I took 9 months (unpaid) maternity, then returned to work to be handed my P45 (bastards!). Took me another month to find another job. If you had asked me prior to the pregnancy if I could afford unpaid leave or if I could afford to leave my job I would have thought no way! but we managed. Have faith in your husband that if **** hits the fan and you lose your job, he will step up, just like you have.

If there are specific questions or worries you have please ask, this is the norm for me now so there's probably alot of elements that I take for granted and dont really think about!