Friendships and the people in your life

Dull and Boring

Hi ladies,

How is everyone's social life? Sometimes I can't help but feel mine is somewhat lacking. I always had lots of friends but during college I became quite anxious and pushed people away so as to avoid social situations.

I'm over all that now after a lot of hard work and persistence. However, after college it seems to be quite difficult to maintain lasting friendships. I have no bother getting to know people at all but its holding on to them or socialising on a continuous basis that seems to escape me.

If I am not working then I could easily go a weekend without hearing from my friends (unless we specifically have plans), usually just getting a call or two from my mam.

This is probably a strange question, but how many people (excluding family) would you generally receive calls or texts from during the day? What would be considered a good social life? What is a good way to expand my social circle?

John Smith II

I'm not strictly a lady - but I AM all you've got, at the minute!

I just realised nobody really calls me anymore, at all. Unless something is wanted of me, I suppose. To answer your one of your questions, I generally receive calls or texts from ZERO people during the day.

Ah well!

LegacyUser

Would like to go to anon for this please as I am speaking about people in my life and don't want to be identifiable myself.

I am mid/late twenties and I would say I probably have a very poor "social life", although I am not particularly unhappy about this.

I could go days possibly even up to 2 weeks without getting calls/texts/fb messages of any friends, but in turn I wouldn't be making calls/texts/fb messages to them in that time either.

There is no bad reason for this, I think me and most of my friends are just pretty settled in our ways. Most of my friends have children and a partner so the majority of their time is just chilled family time with the kids. They don't really go anywhere.

I have no children and live with my partner. In theory because of having no children we could have a crazy social life, but we never really go anywhere either. Spend most evenings making dinner, sitting chatting, play with the pets, then watching some tv or movies before going to bed. Weekends aren't much different except we might go into town to do some food shopping with a bit of window shopping beforehand. We usually do the laundry and more house cleaning at the weekend too. (exciting stuff!)

I very rarely drink, maybe once every couple of months or so.
When I do drink it's usually a night out with the girls who are single. It would be common for me to get quite drunk on these occasions, go to pub, maybe drinks and music in a house afterwards, a good catchup with the girls and usually a great laugh and good fun. I wouldn't want to do it every week though like I used to 2 or 3 nights a week because I got bored of drink years ago and enjoy myself more when it is only an occasional night because then it's something different.

Myself and my boyfriend probably go to the cinema 3-4 times a year, and maybe only 2 full three course evening meals in a year. Although we would go for lunch in restaurants more often.

I spend a few hours a day with my college friends going to classes, sitting in the canteen chatting, and text messages and facebook outside college. None of my close friends in college are party animals and most just do the same as me and spend the evening at home alone/with housemates/or partner or else their family for the ones who have kids.

So yeah, that's pretty much it really. It sounds so bloody boring especially when it's written down (!) but tbh I never feel particularly bored just sorta content and set in my ways I guess.

None of my group of friends call or text each other everyday, yet we each know that we are always there for each other no matter what the reason may be. Whether it is to talk about something serious or to just have a laugh.

My best friend is one of my single friends and she goes out every week and I always know the invitation is there to join. I could in theory go out 2 or 3 nights a week with a good group of my single friends but I'm more relaxed at home and also wouldn't have the money to afford it. We stay in contact through calls and texts and facebook, and tell each other any problems we are having but also have so much fun together when we do eventually catch up every few weeks.

My settled married friends are very chilled and calm and feel like family to me and my boyfriend because we know them so many years. We can spend hours with them just chatting and drinking tea and watching some good movies, play with the kids and have a laugh. We are always there for each other through thick and thin aswell and would help each other out whenever there is a need.

So I think why I'm so settled with my boring life is because I know have very good friends and none of us feel the need to chat every single day.

This being said, I realise as far as the definition of "social life" goes, mine is pretty fcuking dire as I very rarely actually go anywhere socially!

I would like to start to do more things with my partner like visit different places together if even just locally at first, just some nice different places to spend a day and to do new things. I would also like to join a few groups like maybe an art class or certain sports. I'm always open to making even more friends and it might be nice in a group or sport where the social part doesn't have to involve the pub but maybe going on some hikes or chilled bike rides or something instead.

(I'm going anon because truthfully I wish the social outings I do occasionally make weren't always just focused on drink. It is good craic, but I'd also like to meet people who would like to try new things and go new places. Or else somehow convince my friends and oh that great fun can be had without getting tipsy. In fairness I've never tried asking them so maybe they would be up for it. I know my oh would give some sports a try at least. )

I say I'll get around to it every year but never do. Hopefully I will make it happen this year.

Dortilolma

Like John Smith I don't really get and calls or texts from non-family members during the day.

It seems that for a lot of people once they hit their mid to late twenties maintaining a friendship requires a good deal more effort. I have a core group of friends, most of them have children now and sometimes I can go months without seeing them.

That being said some of us go for brunch every two weeks or try and come up with other ways to meet up.

For the most part my social life is pretty abysmal - I rarely go out and weeks can go by where the only other person I talk to is my husband, but I'm about to enter in to a month or so where pretty much every weekend is jam packed.

Dutchess

I am in a similar boat as you OP. Had some mates, but went through some mental health stuff (still going through it in fact) and withdrew. But I also found that when I wasn't making the effort, there would basically not be any contact. Maybe I give off a 'don't call me, I'll call you' vibe, I don't know.
I am also not from Ireland, so I don't have those childhood friends here. I do have one friend back in NL that I e-mail with several times a week. But I can't meet up with her for a drink or a movie.
I don't get contacted by people here. Pretty much at all. I'd love to just have one close friend in the same boat as myself to hang out with. Someone who likes hanging out with me as much as I do with them. The search continues...

Amica

I used to not really be that interested in friends and had only a couple of close friends and some acquaintances and was ok with that. Then I wanted more friends and had kind of forgotten how to make them! I guess it's a skill and if you don't use it, you lose it. I was living abroad the last few years and made lots of friends but have recently returned home so it's back to square 1. I find it a little harder to make friends in Ireland for some reason but I'm getting out there and trying new hobbies etc (i.e. trying to meet new people) and reconnecting with some old friends. As for how often I get calls etc from them, I wouldn't have a standard day so that's hard to answer but I would meet up with at least one friend or go meet new people at least once a week. I'm 30 btw. I do think that it's a bit of work but I think if you're a decent person and keep trying, you'll get there - but you do have to put in the effort I think. New friends don't just come knocking on the door - that's what I tell myself anyway! But don't feel like you're the only one OP - it's more common than TV would have you believe!

beks101

I've found I become increasingly pragmatic with my life and my time as I get older, and that extends to my social life.

I never have been and wouldn't be comfortable living as some kind of social butterfly, out several times a week and keeping up with large groups of friends, and these days with work and my relationship and trying to exercise etc the time simply isn't there.

Added to that I've lived quite a transient life, travelling and working on different continents for the last few years so some of my closest friends live in a different country.

But it's important to keep up the contact and I'll usually meet up with a mate or group of mates about once a week. Lunch, coffee or drinks usually. I'm not and never have been a texter, will only ever check in with friends that way to follow up on plans. Or quirky little, 'saw this, thought of you' texts. I'd hear from different friends every couple of days I'd say. Facebook is great.

That all said, I don't feel as though my social life is being neglected in any major way. I'm the kind of person that needs a fair bit of personal space and love my own company, which is hard given the chaotic kind of life I have. It's all down to the individual really - if you feel you're missing out, make more of an effort to stay in regular contact with friends, find out what's going on and invite yourself along - being proactive is the best way really. You have to put yourself out there and establish yourself as a social kind of person, the type that will usually come along to things, hop in on plans and won't let you down.

ancapailldorcha

beks101 wrote: »

I've found I become increasingly pragmatic with my life and my time as I get older, and that extends to my social life.

I never have been and wouldn't be comfortable living as some kind of social butterfly, out several times a week and keeping up with large groups of friends, and these days with work and my relationship and trying to exercise etc the time simply isn't there.

Added to that I've lived quite a transient life, travelling and working on different continents for the last few years so some of my closest friends live in a different country.

But it's important to keep up the contact and I'll usually meet up with a mate or group of mates about once a week. Lunch, coffee or drinks usually. I'm not and never have been a texter, will only ever check in with friends that way to follow up on plans. Or quirky little, 'saw this, thought of you' texts. I'd hear from different friends every couple of days I'd say. Facebook is great.

That all said, I don't feel as though my social life is being neglected in any major way. I'm the kind of person that needs a fair bit of personal space and love my own company, which is hard given the chaotic kind of life I have. It's all down to the individual really - if you feel you're missing out, make more of an effort to stay in regular contact with friends, find out what's going on and invite yourself along - being proactive is the best way really. You have to put yourself out there and establish yourself as a social kind of person, the type that will usually come along to things, hop in on plans and won't let you down.

I'd echo this save for the fact that I'm not usually in one area long enough to build a social circle. It costs a small fortune to visit my close friends so I see them at most a few times a year.

woodchuck

I'm extremely satisfied with my social life. I'd meet up with friends on average maybe once or twice a week, which is plenty for me (I'm naturally a bit of an introvert though!). At times though I might find a week or two has passed without having met up (naturally enough, just as we all have other things going on in our lives too) but it wouldn't really bother me much and I wouldn't stress over it. If a bit of time has passed and I want to meet up, I'll just ask one or more of them if they're free!

Dull and Boring wrote: »

If I am not working then I could easily go a weekend without hearing from my friends (unless we specifically have plans), usually just getting a call or two from my mam.

This is probably a strange question, but how many people (excluding family) would you generally receive calls or texts from during the day? What would be considered a good social life? What is a good way to expand my social circle?

I certainly don't base the quality of my friendships or social life on the number of texts or calls I get a day That seems really bizarre to me!! If I don't have plans with friends over the weekend, it's perfectly natural that we might not text each other and I genuinely think nothing of it. Some days I might be texting a few different people; other times a week could pass without contact with any of them.

As somebody else mentioned, it can be difficult to juggle friendships, family, a relationship, work, exercise, housework etc. But it's up to each individual to figure out what kind of balance they're happy with and make the effort to make that happen. I.e. if you want to meet up with friends more, you'll have to be the one to initiate it. If they just don't have the time to meet up as often as you'd like, then it's up to you to find more friends (or hobbies etc) to fill that extra time.

Oh and since you asked about expanding your social circle, the likes of meetup.com could be good (I haven't been to any myself yet, but I'm signed up and there are SO many different things going on every week!). Or even some of the forums on boards (public and private) organise occassional nights out, which could be a good way to meet new people and might lead to new friendships developing.

Georgie.Girl

I am not the norm, socially speaking. But I have usually have had one good friend, in my childhood and adult life (different ones that is).

I am quite dissatisfied with my social life the past few years. I have no fun, relatively speaking. I get too many texts from acquaintances on a daily basis, but only about 5 in the evening from any I could currently semi-define as "friend-iss." There seems to be 5 people in real life that call me friend, of those I only consider 1 a true-ish friend (but even that could be deemed as conditional).

I have no experiential basis for what a family is supposed to be, so that "social order" is lost on me.
As I said, socially speaking I am a-typical.