Should I tell her about his affair?

LegacyUser

Is there ever a situation where it is right to tell someone that their spouse is cheating?
I notice people here always say not to get involved but when I was cheated on, everyone knew except me and I found that more difficult to deal with than the cheating itself. Knowing people I thought were friends knew, but turned a blind eye felt like they all sided with my ex.

I work for a very successful wealthy man who is the head of a huge organisation. His wife gave birth to their third baby last November. They have 2 others kids under the age of 6. I am female, working in an all male industry.

We travel almost full time for our work, and since last May, my boss has been seeing a young woman who he takes with him on most of our travels. His wife has no idea - i know this for certain. In the past she travelled with us but she is tied at home with the kids now. I am not close to my boss because of his actions but his wife has bonded with me at work social events as I'm the only female in his company. They're married 12 years, she is lovely and sweet, kind and caring and definitely has no idea what is going on.

The girl he is seeing works as a lapdancer and nude model, and has proudly filled her social media accounts with pics of her and my boss together tagged at the various locations all over the world. I think she is hoping he will be caught so he will commit to her properly. Her social media accounts have been a huge talking point amongst many people, but unless you know of her existence already (searching her by her name), she goes unnoticed. He is not on social media so cannot be tagged. He doesn't seem to care what she posts, or maybe is unaware.

This week, his model girlfriend is not travelling with us, and he has a different girl sharing his room, someone he met in a bar on friday night. He is very charming and good looking.

He never behaved like this prior to last year. He is late 40s and I think it's a midlife crisis. Previously he was a wonderful husband and family man. He complained about his wife not wanting sex during the latter half of her pregnancy - it was him who pushed for them to have another baby.

All of the men in our organisation know what is going on and either turn a blind eye, or pat his back as if it's some kind of success.

While I worked hard to get into this position, I am currently looking for employment elsewhere as to watch this going on is making me feel sick. They do not care who sees as he knows no one will tell because they want to protect their job and the money is excellent.

I fear for his poor wife's sexual health. We have 2 weeks off between work travel and he spends this time at home as a dedicated family man, and perfect husband. His wife counts down the days to his return.

I am considering linking his wife, or perhaps her sister who I also know a little, to this other woman's profile, and allowing them to do the research themselves.

I don't care if he fires me, or if they turn against me and shoot the messenger. Watching it play out before my eyes, watching my boss joke to his male co-workers how great it is to have the wife out of sight, is preventing me from sleeping at night. I hate to think of his poor sweet wife being treated like this.

Is it crazy to get involved? I don't plan to share any specific info I have, I think simply linking them to this girl's profile will allow them to figure it out for themselves very quickly.

Approaching my boss about it would be a waste of time, he would laugh in my face. He doesn't care, he becomes a different person when overseas working. He switches back to dedicated loving husband and father when we have our weeks off.

Please advise - What should I do?

missjm

I don't think it's a good idea. Firstly, it really is none of you business and while it sucks that you felt deceived when people didn't tell you, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Also, he is your boss which surely could put your position in jeopardy or at the very least cause tension at work.

I'd stay stump and let it play itself out naturally. At the rate it sounds like it's going he's going to be caught anyway.

Dutchess

That is not a nice situation to be in! Personally, I always want the truth. I always say I'd rather be unhappy with the truth than happy with a lie. From that perspective, I'd go right ahead and let that woman know.

Tread carefully though, you will probably need your boss' reference if you're thinking of finding a job elsewhere so if you take action, it cannot be known that this news came from you. You also don't know what kind of marriage and agreements they may have, although from conversations you overheard it does seem like this is a traditional monogamous relationship.

Your boss does sound like a total douche and I totally understand why you want to see him taken down a notch.

ManOfMystery

I wouldn't advise you get involved at all. You may have strong views on the morality (or lack of it) being shown here, but ultimately - this is their marriage, and their life, and really none of your business. The fact that he is your boss means it is even more ill-advised for you to intervene - you could end up with a very bad reference or worse.

I know it leaves a sour taste in your mouth, but such is life. I think you are letting past experiences cloud your judgement, which - when it comes to career and work relationships - should be strictly professional and not emotionally-based. If he had a secret drink problem would you be ringing his wife? Or a gambling problem? And so on. It's not your call.

Some of the Directors in my company are as ruthless and two-faced as you could meet, but that doesn't mean I can intervene in their behaviour in their personal lives. I get on with my work and focus on my own personal life despite any personal opinion I may have of them and their actions.

If you really must do this, then set up an anonymous email account and email his wife (or her sister) a link to the mistress's social media page. That's all you need to do and your involvement should go no further

HalloweenJack

ManOfMystery wrote: »

If you really must do this, then set up an anonymous email account and email his wife (or her sister) a link to the mistress's social media page. That's all you need to do and your involvement should go no further

I think that'd be the best idea but if you do this, do it from an internet cafe. Do it from home, work or your mobile and you can quite easily be traced.

Neyite

It sucks when you really like the person being duped, but in my experience, it's never ended well for me - I've ended up with them dropping me as a friend in every instance - either they think you are stirring trouble, or they don't really want to know, or just choose to believe the other person regardless.

But then if they do find out down the line, then they may fall out with you for knowing all along and not telling them.

So either way, you can assume you will likely lose a friend, that even if she never knows that it was you - ie sending an anonymous email - she will be far too embarrassed to face you feeling that perhaps you probably knew all along like the rest of the guys in the office.

I know you say you dont care if your boss knows it was you. Professionally speaking, this is very short-sighted of you. He may have lots and lots of connections in future employment far beyond the initial reference you would get. He might be influential enough to ensure you have an awful lot of difficulty in obtaining employment. Furthermore, those colleagues who will go on to bigger and better things could be your potential supervisor in years to come, and something like this could go badly against you. I've seen how networking works in this country, how a CV gets to the top of the pile because the MD went to the same secondary as the persons parent or they are in the same golf club. I've seen how a bit of a side-remark from someone about someone they recognised waiting for interview to the interviewer afterwards colours their views.

If you do decide to go ahead with telling, then the anon email with a link is probably the better way. But whatever you do, don't send it from a work computer. Do it from an internet cafe with a throwaway email or something. And just send the link alone without any narrative or further information and let the other party do whatever digging they choose to do.

LegacyUser

Thanks to you all for the replies.

I am fully aware the implications of telling. I am not worried about my future in this job as I have already decided I need to get out as soon as possible, I don't want to be around people who back pat and say 'well done' to a man who behaves like this.

I know his wife fairly well and am sure she believes she is in a perfect marriage, she has no reason to think otherwise as he is the perfect husband to her face. (I'm leaving out many specifics here for anonymity)

I don't care about getting references from him as I won't need one for the next job I have lined up but I would fear him blackening my name within the industry to future employers down the road. This would be the only reason I need to be anonymous.

I am cautious about letting my personal experience of being cheated on influence me here, and normally I never interfere in anyone else's business. That's mostly why I posted this. But I know hand on heart that I would've thanked anyone who had the courage to be truthful with me when I was in her position.

I did think an anonymous email address may be the safest avenue - I don't plan to tell anything other than link to this woman's social media accounts - it's all public if you know her name, the rest will be self explanatory, but didn't know that an email address is easily traceable - is this true? Can the average person trace an email address?

I was thinking about sending it to her sister who is her best friend, rather than directly to her, as maybe she can break it more gently to her. I don't want to hurt her either knowing she is at home with children while he is with this woman.

Meathlass

Very tricky situation.

Perhaps print out a few pages from the girfriends FB account with pictures of them and her name clearly identified. Put them in the post addressed to the wife and let her take it from there.

LegacyUser

I'm a bit like you, OP, if it was me, I'd like to know. But the thing is - not everybody wants to know. If you ask, some people will tell you that if they were in a seemingly happy relationship, and their husband or wife cheated on them, they would rather not know. I don't understand it, but I've heard this so many times, I now realise that people have very, very different views on important issues, and I think it's important to respect this.

If I was in your situation, I would first find a way to figure out if the wife wants to know. You could maybe instigate a conversation about what type of relationships people have, and conclude by asking her "if it was you, would you want to know?". If I was you, I wouldn't take any action until I knew that the answer is "yes".

Another thing to keep in mind is - this woman has a 2-month old baby under her care, plus two very young children. She is probably exhausted, and is likely to have a limited energy to deal with the kind of trauma she will experience as a result of such information. If you decide to tell her, I think, out of compassion for her current situation, it would be best to wait a few months, until the baby needs a bit less attention.

And as others pointed out, and you mentioned yourself, OP - be mindful, that getting involved could potentially change your life in many ways. Before you do anything, make sure you are prepared for that.

jimd2

Considering that you are quite friendly with the wife and the extent of his cheating and who it is with in my opinion it is your duty to inform the wife.

Her health is at risk in addition to the blatant and serial cheating. Sending to the sister is a good idea, you could directly contact the sister either to give validity.

Remember, with this level of cheating the wife may find out anyway and will start asking who knew and you would be certainly one of those ho knew and said nothing if you do nothing. She probably wouldnt hold it against you as you are working for the cheater.

On a side note, he could have a sex addiction.

The_Honeybadger

Personally I wouldn't get involved. If his bit on the side is posting pics with him on facebook it's really only a matter of time before he's caught anyway, he may even want to get caught.

I understand that you are concerned about his wife's health and this is a very important consideration. If you do decide to tell her, you must realise that people in this situation are not always totally rational. She may thank you for your honesty, or equally she could turn on you and even get you fired. You could always let her know anonymously via a letter with screenshots from this lady's profile.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

jimd2

mickeyk wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't get involved. If his bit on the side is posting pics with him on facebook it's really only a matter of time before he's caught anyway, he may even want to get caught.

I understand that you are concerned about his wife's health and this is a very important consideration. If you do decide to tell her, you must realise that people in this situation are not always totally rational. She may thank you for your honesty, or equally she could turn on you and even get you fired. You could always let her know anonymously via a letter with screenshots from this lady's profile.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

Yes, I agree. He should do this.

Stavro Mueller

OP if you decide to go down the anonymous email route, I suggest you get your original post edited by a mod. There's enough information in there to identify you if someone who knows your boss happens to be a boardsie....

BreadnBuddha

OP, you're putting yourself in his wife's shoes and applying your past experience to her present.

Stop it.

None of this is any of your business nor do you have a duty or a right to involve yourself.

You work for him. No more than that. It's nothing to do with you so keep your head down and get on with your work, or leave.

You can feel bad for her all you want and think about what you'd like to know until the cows come home. It's still none of your business.

athtrasna

Why do people want to get involved in other people's business? Sorry OP but you haven't been appointed their moral guardian. Look after yourself and your personal life and stay out of other people's unless invited in.

LegacyUser

If you are going with the printing out pages option, don't print them from work. Post them from a post office box and not the post office which has cameras.

If you are going the email route, then as suggested use an internet cafe, if you are ultra paranoid use a ****ty old cafe on some sidestreet that has no cameras and make sure the staff wouldn't recognise you.

Very paranoid behaviour maybe, but if this guy is head of a very big business, you never know what influence or power he might have with local business and asking could he check their cctv to see if he recognises a staff member on the day his wife received the post or email.

If you are going to go ahead with this I think sending anon email or post to her sister is the best route. Her sister would likely be in a better position to judge whether this woman could handle this stress at the minute with a very young baby, or whether to hold off on telling her at a better time. Your conscience would still be clear as you've done your bit.

Ask to get this thread deleted or first post changed to remove identifying details before doing it.

Don't do it just after you leave the company because it makes it look more likely it was you.

Do it at least a few weeks or even months before leaving.

seventeen sheep

Meathlass wrote: »

Very tricky situation.

Perhaps print out a few pages from the girfriends FB account with pictures of them and her name clearly identified. Put them in the post addressed to the wife and let her take it from there.

I would do this, except I'd send it to the wife's sister instead. At least then the wife will have someone there to support her when she finds out.

I wouldn't usually get involved in these situations, but the fact that he is acting so remorseless and blatant, with clearly no intention of stopping ... She is going to find out eventually, and in her position, I'd rather it was sooner than later. To get started with STI tests, if nothing else.

BreadnBuddha

The general attitude on this thread has bothered me from the time I read and posted last night until I went to sleep and again since I woke up this morning. I'm going to credit all of you as being reasonable minded adults, living independent lives where you feel valued and appreciated, loved and respected.

Folks, OP, you're meddling in something that you've no right to be involved in and that could cause harm where it's totally needless. I wouldn't suggest for a minute that what he's doing is 'right' and I wouldn't condone it, but that's because I'm less inclined to judge someone when it has nothing to do with me really.

OP, you really should be getting on with your own life. It's a crappy situation to be in to see something that looks like the flipside of the situation you were in yourself, but that's not really your concern. It's not cold, heartless and it doesn't make you a party to his actions to just get on with doing your job and not involve yourself in something that's too close to the bone for you to deal with fairly.

I'm not excusing what he's doing. It's a sad excuse for a man who behaves with such disrespect and willful disregard for his children and his marriage and almost worse than that, allows other people to see what he's doing. I couldn't encourage a man to behave like that, certainly not. I couldn't be a friend of someone who's behavior is so at odds with my own values and expectations from the people around me.

But, I could work for him while avoiding getting involved or drawn into the bull**** aspects of his personal life and just focus on doing my job well. If it grated on me, I'd find someone else to work for, and move on. Maybe your own experience makes it all a bit too close for your comfort, but that being the case you should realise you're being very judgemental and considering taking a course of action that's really not yours to take. Worse than that, you're being cowardly about it and allowing most people here to encourage sneaky, backstabbing and two faced actions.

Ask yourself a question or two. Has he been a good guy to work for? If you take his personal life out of the equation, completely, would you take a job working for the guy today? You see, that's the real nature of your engagement with this guy, and it's all it should be. The rest? Your hurt, your pain, your judgements. You're making his relationship something to do with you, and it's not.

Move on in life and let everyone else do the same, no matter whether their choices or actions meet your own standards, values and expectations.

MissFlitworth

Step back out of their relationship. For many, many reasons not least of all that it's just none of your business. If you send a link to a social profile of the person he's seeing to his wife or his sister, information that only someone who travelled with him would be likely to know, and you're someone who travels with him a lot and the only female who travels with him it's going to be pretty obvious (to him at least) that it's you. You can be as secret squirrel as you like about the way you get the info to his wife but who else would feel sympathetic towards her, have contact details for his wife's sister and also know about his mistress? It's not just losing your job you need to be concerned about it's trying to find another one when you've pissed off someone who sounds like they'd have a lot of sway among other people you'd like to work for and when you've earned yourself a reputation for being indiscreet.

You also never know what you could be doing in these situations. As much as you're work friends with this man's wife you don't know their marriage, you're not in their marriage, don't throw a bomb into the middle of it.

Starokan

I would stay out of it op for a number of reasons-

The first would be that this affair could end and things could go back to normal within the marriage, not ideal I grant you but it may be a better situation than the nuclear fall out of an affair being revealed.

Secondly no one knows what is going on behind closed doors, perhaps his wife had an affair herself, perhaps they have an open marriage, I find it very unusual that he is so open about it with colleagues and that he is allowing pictures of himself to be posted so openly. People who have affairs tend to hide it as the last thing they want is to have it revealed to all and sundry. Something seems amiss here

Lastly assuming the wife is in complete ignorance of what is happening you must think of the consequences of your actions. You are going to anonymously tip her off , this could potentially rip her world in two , split families etc, who are you to make that call for her, some people pull through these things but some do not. Some people are very private, if she receives this information anonymously she will be driven crazy trying to figure out who knows about it.

Likewise sending the details to her sister is definitely a wrong move, she may never want her sister to know, she could hate her sister for all you know.

In my opinion you should leave this, if you are going to break this open then I think you should do it in person so at least she is in full possession of who knows and if she needs someone to lean on perhaps you can be that person.

I have no doubt that you are completely genuine in your wish to help her but I would just simply advise against it. I would wholeheartedly agree with your decision to leave the job as you are not compatible with those people, you will never be able to respect them again and to be frank they are not deserving of that respect anyway.

Gregor Samsa

If you concern is about truth and honesty, they surely it's hypocritical to try to find sneaky ways of telling the wife anonymously? If you're going to tell her, then tell her face to face. These are adults you're dealing with, and you need to be adult about it too. And don't get her sister involved, that's pretty much guaranteed to end in disaster for everyone - particularly the wife and the sister. I can't believe that was suggested.

Personally, I don't think it's your business to get involved at all. Obviously (and understandably) being in the middle of this situation is causing you stress and discomfort, but really all you can do is remove yourself from the situation by finding another job. It's not going to get better for you if the wife finds out on your account.

LegacyUser

The general attitude on this thread also bothers me but for different reasons to most of you.

Ireland has suffered as a land where people turn a blind eye to various inappropriate behaviour for decades, and I'm shocked at how many people think the OP should do as her male coworkers are doing and pretend like everything is just fine.

It's not. And it's not her fault she learned what is going on here. It is being forced in her face by an arrogant man who simply doesn't care because he thinks he is above it all, above anyone telling the truth. The girl sharing pics on social media is probably hoping the wife will see, she probably wants to end his marriage for him as he won't bother, he'll string as many women along for as long as he keeps getting away with it.

I don't understand this 'shoot the messenger' attitude. I doubt the wife will give any thought to who tipped her off once she sees the proof online that her husband is a slimy rat.

No woman with children deserves this kind of treatment. Would any of you like to see your sisters or best female friends treated like this? Would you prefer everyone turned a blind eye and allowed it to go on for months or years, simply 'minding their own business'?

There is no judgement or otherwise in an email or letter linking to this woman's social media account. If the wife doesn't want to know or already knows she can ignore it. If she needs proof or evidence of the cheating, she has it - it's not her fault someone was stupid or arrogant enough to post it publicly on the internet.

OP rather than recommend you turn a blind eye, I think it is your moral obligation to do the right thing and speak up. I'd normally recommend you approach the wife in person but understand with your job that this may not be possible.

Anyone could come across images online, not just co-workers, so as long as you are careful with the email address I don't see why he will automatically suspect you. Maybe he wants to be caught anyway.

LegacyUser

It seems the OP is conflicted in her self important efforts at moral policing. On the one hand she wants to save the bosses wife from harm and to also protect herself from any of the fallout if she informs his wife. OP, for all you're empathy it seems that you have not put yourself in the wife's position. If she were to get anonymous communication of any kind informing her of husbands affair she would be immediately be under enormous stress and pain from the anonymity of it all... is it the neighbors? is it a kids teacher? a kids friends parent, her own coworkers perhaps? It may be made worse by involving her sister as the anonymous coward is still present but the sister is also involved.

Don't be cowardly by telling the wife anonymously. If you want to do the right thing by the wife and by that I mean not to add to her pain tell her face to face. This of course will cause fallout to come back on you and you may loose your job, even more so if the husband and wife pull through it. Maybe you're afraid that the wife will not dump/kick out/divorce him and you want to distance yourself in case you've misread the situation. Maybe they have an unspoken or spoken agreement that what happens abroad stays abroad, wouldn't be the first. But I doubt that you could give a toss about the wife as asking people on an internet forum for moral permission to potentially destroy a person (wife I mean) shows that you are only thinking of your own feelings. Even putting yourself in her shoes for a minute you would know that getting an anonymous communication like that would be horrendous, and not just for the short term.

I'm also against the idea of you telling her face to face as it's none of your business, but is the lesser of 2 evils.

BreadnBuddha

Curtain twitching nosy neighbour mentalities aplenty.

Honestly, go get a life and don't screw with anyone elses. It's not the OP's place, right or obligation to comment, judge or act on something that's absolutely none of her business.

Simple as that.

ShowMeTheCash

Just a few points.

1. Why are you telling her? You said you kind of know her but just at work events? Does her feeling actually matter to you? Or is it more you are judging your boss and want him to have his comeuppance??

2. Perhaps she knows? Do you know enough about their lives to know everything that is going on?

3. You try and do it anonymously then you are being underhanded, like throwing a grenade into a crowd then walking away possibly leaving her in a state not knowing whether to believe any of it.

4. You are really putting your own career at risk here, and not only your current job but for further employment... In Ireland the professional market is small from Cork to Donegal and Dublin to Derry people hear tell these kind of stories! If I got a CV and someone said "Hey that's that one who forwarded information on her boss to his wife around cheating....." you think it will help your application?
Not to mention you are employed by him, you could find yourself perhaps leagally in a sticky situation. So facebook pics might not be enough when you land yourself in court for defamation.

Your boss is a scumbag, if you don't like it I suggest you find somewhere else.

My boss was also a scumbag, I called hima scumbag and he laughed it off, telling him or her I doubt you will actually change anything... Well apart from your employment status!

Sociopath2

None of your business. On a practical note, your boss would appear to have the power to make your life extremely difficult if you do tell her. Put yourself in his shoes, if someone told your partner and you were in a position to even the score as it were, what would you do?

TimeToShine

It really, really is absolutely none of your business. Some of the advice here is crazy. You risk ruining your career as well as the lives of the wife and kids just to satisfy this urge to do good. Sometimes, when you expect it least, ignorance truly is bliss. Stay away.

LegacyUser

torgua1999 wrote: »

OP, for all you're empathy it seems that you have not put yourself in the wife's position. If she were to get anonymous communication of any kind informing her of husbands affair she would be immediately be under enormous stress and pain from the anonymity of it all... is it the neighbors? is it a kids teacher? a kids friends parent, her own coworkers perhaps? It may be made worse by involving her sister as the anonymous coward is still present but the sister is also involved.

I'm actually aghast at this. It doesn't matter a damn whether it's anonymous or not, any potential stress or embarrassment caused to the wife is caused to her by the cheating husband, certainly NOT by the OP herself. OP does not need to take ownership of that guilt. As for who knows? From the sounds of things, practically everyone knows.

Most importantly of all, the wife may be under the impression she is in a committed & monogomous relationship,& therefore is quite likely to not be using protection, and not attending her GP/health clinic for regular screenings for STDs ect. I don't know how many of you have met someone living with HIV, but they don't always conform to the stereotype you'd imagine, & whilst treatable, early intervention is absolutely vital. They have 3 very young children, people need to remember that. We might live in a liberal society, but there is such a thing as a moral obligation, and a social conscience, surely?

OP, it's a brave& perhaps foolhardy thing that you propose to do here. The fall out could range from nil (if she already knows& condones his behavior), to massive (if she has no idea& can't forgive him). Her reaction is not your problem, it's his. Her reaction will be caused by HIS actions, not yours. Respect to you.

To be honest I'd do the anonymous informing thing.
I'd hope someone would tell me in that situation. And if she already knows, she can choose to ignore it in the same manner. She deserves to know, particularly if half the world seems to know already anyway

ShowMeTheCash

bluewolf wrote: »

To be honest I'd do the anonymous informing thing.
I'd hope someone would tell me in that situation. And if she already knows, she can choose to ignore it in the same manner. She deserves to know, particularly if half the world seems to know already anyway

OP already stated she is one of the only females in her office (Or the only one), she does it anonymously I would not think it a stretch to think she will be a prime culpret!

ShowMeTheCash

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

OP already stated she is one of the only females in her office (Or the only one), she does it anonymously I would not think it a stretch to think she will be a prime culpret!

She's also stated that the pics of the guy and his mistress are up on social media and publically viewable... so pointing the wife at them isn't incriminating her