Drinking in secret

LegacyUser

Looking for some advice on this issue as I am so confused.

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a little less than a year. 4 months ago I discovered that he drinks a lot more than he let on. He has since admitted that he has serious drinking issues. He seems to always drink alone before going on nights out and lies about it but always lets it slip in the end. I have had 5 such incidents with him in the last 4 months.

He has promised he will change, he did the other times too but says he means it this time as he doesn't want to lose me.

The reason I am so confused is because I have never felt a connection so strong with anyone in my life and actually believe in soul mates now.

Do I walk away or give him one last chance?

skallywag

I would imagine that there may be quite a few lads out there who drink more than they let on to the other half, and also quite a few that may have a drink or two at home before going out. I would not see that in itself as such an issue.

But what does strike me is that you write:

> He has since admitted that he has serious drinking issues

What type of issues? e.g. does he lose the head completely when he drinks? Does he drink heavily very regularly?

Or perhaps best put, what is it that distresses you most about his behaviour?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response and sorry I wasn't really clear enough in my original post.

He is a very heavy drinker and drinks regularly, I probably don't know the half of it yet. I will give you a couple of examples.

The first time I noticed was when we had a falling out and didn't see each other for about a week. We agreed to meet in town to go for something to eat. When we met I noticed that he seemed very agitated. He said this was down to nervousness. After a drink or two it was apparent he had had quite a lot before hand. I am not sure how much though.

Another time he came to my house on a Saturday evening, only about 6pm in the evening. He told me he had had a pint or two with his friend. This kept changing and within no time he had admitted he actually had 6 pints followed by a few cans.

Another time we had plans and based on past events I specifically asked him not to drink before we went out and he said he wouldn't. When he arrived he told me that he had one beer at home with one of his siblings. I was fine with that. After 2 or 3 drinks in the pub I again noticed that he had much more that this. Later that night he admitted that before that beer with his sibling he had had 4 beers and a nagin of spirits! Again this was all before arriving to meet me at 6 or 7 in the evening.

Deep down I know its probable that he can't/won't change but maybe I am wrong.

LegacyUser

when you say he admitted he has serious drinking issues was this under duress? during a fight with you and you impressing upon him to say he has serious drinking issues? or did he come out of his own free will and say this to you?

skallywag

OK, I can now certainly see why you are concerned, and drinking to that level before you even go out etc is certainly not normal by anyone's yardstick.

How does he feel about all this the next day or next time ye meet up? Does he just brush it aside or do you feel that he genuinely feels bad. Would you think that he is fully aware about how upsetting this all is for you?

I'm getting the feeling here that you are both relatively young (late teens / early 20s) would that be correct?

I think that such behaviour can indeed be changed, but it depends very heavily on there being a real desire to change it there in the first place.

LegacyUser

We're in our 30's, me in my early 30's him in his mid 30's. I have said myself that his attitude towards alcohol is similar to that of a lad in his early 20's. He blames it on being single for a long time and being in a rut.

He certainly does feel bad, he really wants to make it work with me and says that he will change. My problem is that he said that twice before and then I caught him out again. He will say he didn't have anything to drink or a small amount and I take his word for it. When I discover what he actually had it makes me feel like an absolute fool for taking his word for it and affects me quite badly. He has admitted that lying about the amount of alcohol he has consumed is something that he has been doing for years - to his mother, other girlfriends etc.

He has promised he has turned over a new leaf and is not interested in that kind of life anymore. As I said we have a real connection, I feel so comfortable around him and can talk to him about anything. I suppose I should give him one final change but I think the trust is gone.

LegacyUser

Sorry MillyStar, just saw your post there. He told me this of his own free will. This was at the beginning when I first noticed there was something wrong. I was thinking it could be a one off until he can out with that.

Augme

He's an alcoholic. Are you prepared to go the distance with him while he goes through recovery? Does he even want to give up alcohol? If I was you I'd get out as the next months/years even go be absolutely brutal.

LegacyUser

He wants to change from the way he is now to just drinking socially. He has never mentioned giving it up completely.

marizpan

He is an alcoholic.

Best advice is to leave the relationship. Otherwise your setting yourself up for a hard life.
If he has been drinking heavily for a good few years, he will have learnt to handle it well and appear sober. They can have a shocking about to drink before you would see it in them.

Be aware he might be telling you half truths and the problem might be better hidden than you first thought.

Best of luck

fallen01angel

Hi OP,
You're in this relationship a year,in 4 months he has lied to you 5 times about his alcohol consumption,he's not a young fella in his 20's,he is a grown man who's certainly old enough to realise the amount he's drinking is not healthy to say the least.
He has lied to his mother and previous girlfriends about how much he drinks,if they noticed it too then you can be pretty much guaranteed he's told them the same thing....."I will change for you". But here you are hearing the same lines,he's told you twice he will change cos he doesn't want to lose you but nothing's change and I suspect that nothing is going change in the future,other than he'll try harder to hide it.Fact is unless he decides to change for him,it's not going to happen.
Harsh as it may seem,especially since you feel such a connection the best thing for YOU is to get out now before you end up getting more hurt.

LegacyUser

As above, he will only change if he wants to and actions speak louder than words. If he really wanted to change he would go to aa etc. Maybe he thinks he wants to change but deep down he doesn't. I can't imagine he could go from heavy drinking to social drinking to be honest it would need to be all or nothing.
I'm not saying he's doing it intentionally but if he keeps telling you he'll change but doesn't, he's hoping you'll fall for him more and find the connection too hard to break and you'll accept him for what he is.
I was going to say give him one more chance, and give yourself a time line and if no change go but to be honest I doubt it'll matter.

iusedtoknow

I was your boyfriend

I would drink going out, drink out in the afternoon by myself, drink when I didn't need to. When I was drinking, i'd go overboard. It was ALL completely justifiable. I was not only lying to myself about how much I was drinking, I was also lying to my girlfriend.

One night it went too far, ended up ditching my gf, somehow getting home via a metro where I had fallen down the stairs and ended up fracturing a rib and being badly bruised . The next day, after I had sobered up (and my gf checked me out before getting me to the hospital..not the one she was training at), she gave me an ultimatum. Her or the drink, it couldn't be both. I chose her, and haven't had a drink since and sincerely don't miss it.

That said, I knew it was coming, my health was starting to show the downsides of it, my weight was starting to go up. I wanted to change, but my gf gave me the push needed.

Your bf needs to recognize the problem and want to change it. Say it to him once and depending on how he reacts, you'll need to then ask yourself how far you are willing to go - either break up with him or support him as he sobers up.

ABajaninCork

I've been in your position OP. And I'm telling you now - unless he sincerely wants help for this, then he's NOT going to change. I'll repeat that. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

I've had the late night calls from hospitals, employers ringing me up when he didn't turn up for work and instead went on a bender, I've had the calls from the Old Bill. I've been got up out of bed at all hours of the night as the hospitals had me down as next of kin (His family had sense and had long since washed their hands of him). I had it all. Every single time, he'd promise me he'd get help. Every single time he let me down. But when he was out of drink and functioning as a normal member of society, a nicer, kinder, more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I wanted to help - I really did. Eventually, I had to cut him loose for my own sake. For all I know, he could be brown bread now. He never stopped drinking.

If I were you, I'd leg it whilst you've got your sanity. Believe me - if you stick around any longer without him making serious attempts to get help, your mental health will go down the pan.

In short - Help yourself. Not him. Alcoholics are bloody good liars.

Bananaleaf

I am going to consider your bfs position here for a moment...

It is possible that he does want help as you mentioned that he offered up the opinion that he drinks too much - he is aware of this and aware that it is excessive.

Also, while he may initially lie about the quantity, he does come clean in the end ... He is guilty.

In all the examples you give above, OP, I noticed that they could all be situations that may bring on anxiety for your boyfriend. Meeting you after a row, meeting you to go somewhere - was this something formal thst could have been making him nervous? Coming to your home - was he meeting your familyfor the first time?

He could have an anxiety disorder and doesn't know any other way to deal with it. It doesn't excuse it of course.

Do you think this could be a possibility? Some may disagree, but if that's what you're dealing with, it's a lot more manageable dealing with someone who drinks to excess out of a need rather than desire. I'm speaking from experience of both types.

3rdDegree

Bananaleaf wrote: »

I am going to consider your bfs position here for a moment...

It is possible that he does want help as you mentioned that he offered up the opinion that he drinks too much - he is aware of this and aware that it is excessive.

Also, while he may initially lie about the quantity, he does come clean in the end ... He is guilty.

In all the examples you give above, OP, I noticed that they could all be situations that may bring on anxiety for your boyfriend. Meeting you after a row, meeting you to go somewhere - was this something formal thst could have been making him nervous? Coming to your home - was he meeting your familyfor the first time?

He could have an anxiety disorder and doesn't know any other way to deal with it. It doesn't excuse it of course.

Do you think this could be a possibility? Some may disagree, but if that's what you're dealing with, it's a lot more manageable dealing with someone who drinks to excess out of a need rather than desire. I'm speaking from experience of both types.

This is a good point. Alcohol abuse causes anxiety. This can lead to more alcohol abuse (to tackle the anxiety), which makes the long term anxiety worse. It's a vicious circle and is a well established cause of alcoholism.

Unfortunately, if he has crossed the line into addiction, the original cause no longer matters. He is an alcoholic and needs to stop completely. Right now, it sounds to me like this is the case.

In the end, the choice will most likely come down to you or the booze. He may pick you. But even if he does, how much anguish and suffering is he going to put you both through before then? And are you willing to go through all of that?

I'd show him this thread as it has some good advice and experience in it. Give him another chance. If he scoffs at the thought of being an alcoholic, then you might have a very long tough road ahead with him. He has to really want to change for himself for there to be any hope.

And if he DOES scoff at the idea of being an alcoholic now, tell him he is well on the road to being one. Maybe in a few years when you have kids, when walking away is not so easy anymore.

Good luck. Really hope things work out for you both.

disengage

Sounds like your boyfriend suffers with social anxiety and is using alcohol to try and mask it. I'd also guarantee you that whatever he is admitting to is probably only half the story. It's quite likely he is aware that he has some kind of problem but only he can want to change it.

If he can was to quit, expecting an anxiety ridden recovering alcoholic to go on nights out etc. with you is probably out of the question for a while. Small things like this can be important in a relationship..

All down to what you're willing to put up with. Will be a long hard road either way.

skallywag

Hi again OP,

How often does he drink like this? Is it occurring nearly daily?

I fully understand your feelings on the deception. Aside from this is his drinking causing problems at his work place, with the law, etc? Does he do things when he is after drinking which really upset you?

It can be quite difficult to accurately define an alcoholic. One of the best definitions I have come across is someone who continues to drink even though they are fully aware that by doing so they are harming themselves, be it though a health condition, workplace issues, relationship issues, etc. From what I have seen so far in this thread it's the last point which seems to be currently relevant here. You may need to be cruel to be kind here I think, in order to fully show him that you are at your wits end, and that if he cannot control his drinking then it's curtains for the relationship. I know that this may be difficult for you, as you clearly have deep feelings for him, and you clearly really want to still make this work. Perhaps a few weeks on his own without you would focus his mind ...

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the advice, most confirms my own thoughts that he is an alcoholic and there’s not much hope that he will/can change. I don’t doubt for a moment that he wants to change so I think it’s only fair to give him one last chance and I mean last. I will explain that to him then if he messes up again he’ll know the outcome. In answer to some of your questions:

Iusedtoknow – thanks for your advice, always good to hear from someone who has been through something similar and really glad to hear you came out the other side. So far he has done nothing bad, hasn’t done anything to hurt me through drunkenness or gotten into trouble etc. That said it’s a relatively new situation so who knows what the next few months or years have in store.

Bananaleaf – Some of the incidents could be put down to anxiety, once as you said was after we had a row, another was when he was meeting some of my work friends. However there are other times when anxiety was definitely not a factor. The time he came to my house already drunk it was just going to be me and him having some beers and watching a movie. Another time he went home for a few hours to do a DIY job and came back drunk. You mentioned that he always comes clean in the end, however he never actually comes clean, he lets it slip unintentionally. He is a brutal liar so I guess that’s an upside!

3rdDegree – That’s exactly it, I need to think of the long term and I already have a child from a previous relationship that I need to consider. She absolutely adores him and he adores her too.

Disengage – as per my point above to Bananaleaf. He is outgoing and loves to socialise so I don’t think he is anxiety ridden. I would certainly consider him more outgoing than me.

Scallywag – I can’t be certain but I would say he drinks daily if he is not with me. I would see him once or twice midweek and he doesn’t drink then but I’d say if he was at home he would. His drinking so far doesn’t seem to affect his work but I think it did in the past as I have heard his boss ring him on a Sunday night to suss out if he is drinking or not. He doesn’t get into trouble with the law but did when he was younger. We’ve had time apart and it definitely does make a difference to his mind but as soon as things are back to normal he seems to slip.

Thanks again everyone, as I said I think the fairest thing to do is one final chance.

disengage

OP,

As somebody mentioned earlier, heavy drinking will make anxiety worse so whether he's with you or in company isn't really the point. Also, it's easy to be outgoing and the life and soul of the party if you're constantly drunk. I'm speaking from someone that's going through what your boyfriend (possibly) is. I'd often need a drink to speak to my own family, friends.. everybody. It's can be a major depressant which makes social interaction a chore.

A lot of people in this country drink heavily but habitually. It comes in many forms but from what you're saying it's possible that he's in the habit of drinking heavily rather than someone that is dependent on alcohol.

It's a fine line sometimes.

I'd definitely be open and honest with him and get to the bottom of why he's drinking like that. If he's not willing to change it's probably best to get out while you can. It will only get worse, physically and mentally for him.

Best of luck

ABajaninCork

canhechange wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the advice, most confirms my own thoughts that he is an alcoholic and there’s not much hope that he will/can change. I don’t doubt for a moment that he wants to change so I think it’s only fair to give him one last chance and I mean last. I will explain that to him then if he messes up again he’ll know the outcome. In answer to some of your questions:

Been there - done that. I don't doubt he wants to change either. But I seriously doubt he's sincere about it. He's telling you what you want to hear. Actions speak louder than words.

canhechange wrote: »

3rdDegree – That’s exactly it, I need to think of the long term and I already have a child from a previous relationship that I need to consider. She absolutely adores him and he adores her too.

I did not realise there was a child in the mix. BIG red flag. The child should be your ONLY priority, OP. I'm sure he's great with the child, but why are you allowing this man around her? He has a drink problem. You need to protect your child. I wouldn't be allowing him another chance. He's shown you enough for you to know there's a serious problem. Get rid. You have your child to consider.

skallywag

disengage wrote: »

...it's possible that he's in the habit of drinking heavily rather than someone that is dependent on alcohol.

It's a fine line sometimes...

I think this point really hits it on the head.

Just because someone drinks heavily and regularly does not make them an alcoholic. I think in Ireland the word alcoholic gets bandied around very easily to simply mean someone who drinks heavily and regularly. The core issue is the dependence. If someone cannot stop drinking when there are clear signs of it causing major issues then the alarm bills should ring.

That said someone who drinks heavily and is not an alcoholic is still putting their health in jeopardy, there is certainly still that aspect to take into account of course.

LegacyUser

disengage & scallywag - I think it is more a case that he drinks heavily rather than he is dependant on it, time will tell I suppose.

ABajaninCork - I should have given more information about my daughter. She is and always will be my only priority. I do not allow him in her company when he is drinking. She spends Saturday nights with her dad and if my bf visits midweek he is not drinking. I do however have to think of her more than myself when it comes to the future. I certainly would not have anyone with an alcohol problem in her life.

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

Just because someone drinks heavily and regularly does not make them an alcoholic. I think in Ireland the word alcoholic gets bandied around very easily to simply mean someone who drinks heavily and regularly. The core issue is the dependence. If someone cannot stop drinking when there are clear signs of it causing major issues then the alarm bills should ring.

That said someone who drinks heavily and is not an alcoholic is still putting their health in jeopardy, there is certainly still that aspect to take into account of course.

Ugh, this attitude drives me mad. If you have to drink as heavily and regularly as the OPs boyfriend then you are an alcoholic. This Irish notion that there can be people who just drink heavily and regularly who are not alcoholics is nonsense and it it this attitude that allows the denial to continue and contributes to the problem we have in this country with our relationship to alcohol. My father was a massively destructive alcoholic and I could show you 50 people who would have said "ah he's just a heavy drinker" - well guess what? They didnt have to live with his lies, his destructive alcoholic behaviour, they didnt see the havoc he was wreaking on his family and on his own health. All they saw was "Fun Bobby" who was out every night of the week having a few pints with the lads.

The core issue is not dependence, I have known alcoholics who could be dry for months on end and then lost businesses and their families from binge drinking 4 times a year. I know one alcoholic who gave it up regularly every Lent and was found dead barefoot homeless in Dublin having been given every chance by his family - while "the lads" said "ah shure he's just a heavy drinker, doesnt he give it up every Lent, he's not dependent". The core issue is someone who's alcohol abuse is causing problems in their personal life. And anyone who is drinking heavily and regularly fits that description whether or not they want to admit it.

Op - your boyfriend is an alcoholic and you have a child to consider. Get out now. If he wants you back tell him its sober or never - youll have your answer then, there are no "last chances", there is only a sober relationship or no relationship.

3rdDegree

skallywag wrote: »

If someone cannot stop drinking when there are clear signs of it causing major issues then the alarm bills should ring.

This was the exact impression I got for the OP's description. But I'd still give him another chance.

howyanow

I agree with those who mention anxiety as an underlying reason for this drinking.
its quite common but often not recognised by those who drink because of it.its a vicious circle,drink to ease the anxiety but end up far more anxious later on.
i suggest you ask him to see GP and explain the situation and he has to be up front and willing to accept help.
Education om anxiety can be very helpful as he may recognise triggers and learn to deal with those triggers without drinking.
You can only try guide him in the right direction and don't feel guilty if you have to walk away.its always very difficult for all involved but if he has an open mind he can get well.

ceadaoin.

Honestly it is going to take a lot of work to help this person through his issues. It seems like a lot of your socializing together involves drinking/pubs. Theres nothing wrong with that but if he has a drinking problem then he has to stop altogether, or at least for a long period of time anyway before he can even contemplate drinking socially. Are you prepared to socialize without him or stop drinking yourself to show support?

Personally I would end it. I wouldn't want this person around my child. You say he doesn't drink then but how do you know he isn't lying about that too?

And if he is promising to change just because he doesn't want to lose you then it isnt going to work. He has to want to change for himself.

disengage

you_never_know wrote: »

Ugh, this attitude drives me mad. If you have to drink as heavily and regularly as the OPs boyfriend then you are an alcoholic. This Irish notion that there can be people who just drink heavily and regularly who are not alcoholics is nonsense and it it this attitude that allows the denial to continue and contributes to the problem we have in this country with our relationship to alcohol. My father was a massively destructive alcoholic and I could show you 50 people who would have said "ah he's just a heavy drinker" - well guess what? They didnt have to live with his lies, his destructive alcoholic behaviour, they didnt see the havoc he was wreaking on his family and on his own health. All they saw was "Fun Bobby" who was out every night of the week having a few pints with the lads.

The core issue is not dependence, I have known alcoholics who could be dry for months on end and then lost businesses and their families from binge drinking 4 times a year. I know one alcoholic who gave it up regularly every Lent and was found dead barefoot homeless in Dublin having been given every chance by his family - while "the lads" said "ah shure he's just a heavy drinker, doesnt he give it up every Lent, he's not dependent". The core issue is someone who's alcohol abuse is causing problems in their personal life. And anyone who is drinking heavily and regularly fits that description whether or not they want to admit it.

Op - your boyfriend is an alcoholic and you have a child to consider. Get out now. If he wants you back tell him its sober or never - youll have your answer then, there are no "last chances", there is only a sober relationship or no relationship.

The difference being that all those people you mention WERE clearly alcoholics. Just because the local dipsos thought otherwise isn't really relevant. Heavy binge drinking at the weekend - which is all we are sure this guy is guilty of so far - and alcohol dependency are not the same thing. OP, if you're sure your boyfriend is managing to stay sober a few nights of the week then things are not as bleak as people here are trying to paint.

They just love to tar and feather people around here. Ignore the hangups/agendas..

He deserves a chance. At the very least have a conversation about it.

Penny Tration

As someone said, there is indeed a difference between heavy drinking and alcoholism.

However, your boyfriend is very clearly an alcoholic. He says he'll change, and has not done so. He has not mmanaged to quit drinking. He says he'll switch to just social drinking. That's VERY typical of alcoholics. My dad said that, and so did an ex. Neither managed it. My dad is now completely off drink for 18 years thankfully. My ex is still an alcoholic.

If you want to give him one last chance, you need to mean it. You need to tell him it's you or drink. Even a hint of drinking and you need to end it. Otherwise, it'll just be a cycle of fights and lies.

I gave my ex about ten 'last chances,' and I regret them all. On his real 'last chance,' I decided to visit him (he lived a fair distance away) for his birthday as a surprise. I arrived at 11am and found him drunk in a field next to his house. Dumping him is the best thing I ever did tbh.

So - one chance. No drink. No bottle of beer when he has dinner. No quiet one to relax after work. No social drinking.

IF he fails, leave.

Mick Murdock

I saw an addiction counsellor recently who told me that 99% of alcoholics he see's say they want to drink 'socially' again. With this guy it's out of the question for the foreseeable future. If he's willing to try that for you, he deserves a chance.

Any mishaps and he'd be out the door.

skallywag

you_never_know wrote: »

Ugh, this attitude drives me mad. If you have to drink as heavily and regularly as the OPs boyfriend then you are an alcoholic. This Irish notion that there can be people who just drink heavily and regularly who are not alcoholics is nonsense and it it this attitude that allows the denial to continue and contributes to the problem we have in this country with our relationship to alcohol. My father was a massively destructive alcoholic and I could show you 50 people who would have said "ah he's just a heavy drinker" - well guess what? They didnt have to live with his lies, his destructive alcoholic behaviour, they didnt see the havoc he was wreaking on his family and on his own health. All they saw was "Fun Bobby" who was out every night of the week having a few pints with the lads.

I think you may have misinterpreted my point somehow?

i.e. you say:

> his lies, his destructive alcoholic behaviour, they didnt see the havoc he was wreaking on his family and on his own health

... which are clear signs that his drinking is causing him harm, and hence he would indeed be termed an alcoholic if he did not cease drinking.

skallywag

Mick Murdock wrote: »

I saw an addiction counsellor recently who told me that 99% of alcoholics he see's say they want to drink 'socially' again.

A major step in combating alcoholism is reached when the alcoholic themselves reaches the realization that they can never drink socially again. It's only once this stage is reached that one can really start to look forward with real hope for the future.

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone. He definitely doesn’t drink every night so I am hoping that it is dependency rather than alcoholism, the next few weeks or months will tell. We had a good long chat about it on Saturday. He is very remorseful and genuinely wants to change. I told him as straight as I could that this is the final chance and if he messes up again it’s over and as bad as I may feel I will stick to it and cut him out of my life altogether. He agreed that that is absolutely what I should do and was really grateful for getting another chance.

ABajaninCork

canhechange wrote: »

Thanks again everyone. He definitely doesn’t drink every night so I am hoping that it is dependency rather than alcoholism, the next few weeks or months will tell. We had a good long chat about it on Saturday. He is very remorseful and genuinely wants to change. I told him as straight as I could that this is the final chance and if he messes up again it’s over and as bad as I may feel I will stick to it and cut him out of my life altogether. He agreed that that is absolutely what I should do and was really grateful for getting another chance.

That's great. But what form is the change going to take? Is it professional help on a sustained basis, or is he 'just going to cut down'? Because if it's the latter, then I'm afraid you'll be wasting your time. It's just not going to happen.

Believe me - I've been there. And I bet I can recount your conversation virtually word for word.

I wish you luck. You're going to need it...

skallywag

ABajaninCork wrote: »

...or is he 'just going to cut down'? Because if it's the latter, then I'm afraid you'll be wasting your time. It's just not going to happen.

I do not think you are being fair in tarring everyone with the same brush here.

I fully understand that your own experiences may lead you to draw this conclusion, and I also fully acknowledge that there are certainly cases where you are completely correct. There are, however, people who have indeed been successful in cutting back significantly on their alcohol consumption, I have first hand experience myself of this.

It's too early at this stage to take a call on what exactly is going to happen in this particular case, there is anyway not enough background information available to enable this.

ABajaninCork

skallywag wrote: »

I do not think you are being fair in tarring everyone with the same brush here.

What are you talking about? Please tell me where I'm tarring everyone with the same brush.

I'm sure people have cut down successfully, but the OP herself thought her partner was an alcoholic. Certainly the heavy drinking is a concern to her. Now - if that's the case, of course people have given up drink successfully. But that was after getting professional help. NOT just by cutting down.

skallywag

ABajaninCork wrote: »

What are you talking about? Please tell me where I'm tarring everyone with the same brush.

You make the point that the OP's boyfriend has no hope whatsoever of cutting down on his drinking without professional help on a sustained basis.

There are indeed people who have been successful in cutting back significantly on their alcohol intake without AA or the likes, and I have first hand experience of this myself. On the other hand there are also of course those who cannot achieve this without active support and counselling. The key point here is the actual willingness to change, and how this then compares to a physical or psychological dependence on alcohol which may be present.

I sincerely do not see how there is enough information in this thread to make a prediction one way or the other on this particular case, and I do not think that one can simply encompass everyone with a one-size-fits-all statement.

LegacyUser

I think you both make good points and only time will tell which one relates to my boyfriend. He does not want to stop drinking completely, he wants to change from drinking excessively and for no reason to drinking socially, this is his choice and giving up drinking altogether is not something I am going to force on him. I am not saying that he can switch to drinking socially, in fact I'm 50/50 if I'm honest. But as I said I have told him what will happen if and when he messes up and I 100% mean it. It would sadden me to break up with him but it is absolutely what I will do, there will be no more chances.

ABajaninCork

canhechange wrote: »

I think you both make good points and only time will tell which one relates to my boyfriend. He does not want to stop drinking completely, he wants to change from drinking excessively and for no reason to drinking socially, this is his choice and giving up drinking altogether is not something I am going to force on him. I am not saying that he can switch to drinking socially, in fact I'm 50/50 if I'm honest. But as I said I have told him what will happen if and when he messes up and I 100% mean it. It would sadden me to break up with him but it is absolutely what I will do, there will be no more chances.

That's fair enough, OP! I wish you luck whatever happens.

ceadaoin.

canhechange wrote: »

I think you both make good points and only time will tell which one relates to my boyfriend. He does not want to stop drinking completely, he wants to change from drinking excessively and for no reason to drinking socially, this is his choice and giving up drinking altogether is not something I am going to force on him. I am not saying that he can switch to drinking socially, in fact I'm 50/50 if I'm honest. But as I said I have told him what will happen if and when he messes up and I 100% mean it. It would sadden me to break up with him but it is absolutely what I will do, there will be no more chances.

If he really is an alcoholic then he won't be able to drink socially. He might do it for a few weeks or months but the drinking will creep back up and you'll be back where you started from and giving him another chance. Guaranteed.

If he truly wants to change then he has to accept that he can't drink at all for the foreseeable future and consider professional help to combat the underlying issues. If he is drinking to ease anxiety then he needs to deal with this. Until he does then it is a pointless exercise to try and cut down. He is only doing it to keep you from leaving him and that makes it almost certain to fail IMO.

Good luck.

DeclanJWhite

Hi, canhechange :-)

I think everyone can change.

I'm in my mid thirties. I used to drink a lot due to social anxiety.

Someone who drinks heavily and dependently...to try to learn to drink just socially again instead of giving it up completely is a very hard art to master for what I believe is this stark, simple reason: once you've had one or two, your inhibitions/willpower are diminished, so to continue to drink in a moderate manner when some drink has already taken effect on your judgement and will power, I think is almost impossible. It's a slippery slope; the only way not to slide is to stay off the slope.

It's very unfortunate you may have to leave behind a relationship that's giving you so much happiness it seems, making you believe in soulmates as you say...unless I'm confusing the original post with another thread, been reading a lot here today!

It's a tough call. Do you present him with the ultimatum of one last chance and hope that's enough to wake him out of a life-long problem like a bolt of lightening, or do you try to help him out of it with a couple of months of your time and trying to get him to face his probelm candidly with gentle persistence...?

I have no idea. That could be terrible advice. Do you believe there's a happy, sober man behind it all who you can love and who can offer you love that's hard to find?

LegacyUser

skallywag wrote: »

I sincerely do not see how there is enough information in this thread to make a prediction one way or the other on this particular case, and I do not think that one can simply encompass everyone with a one-size-fits-all statement.

He has promised he will change, he did the other times too but says he means it this time as he doesn't want to lose me.

He has admitted that lying about the amount of alcohol he has consumed is something that he has been doing for years - to his mother, other girlfriends etc.

Given this guys history and the OPs quotes above I think its pretty clear that this guy has been struggling for years and lying for years and probably thrives on last chances.

Someones past behaviour is usually a good predictor of their future behaviour. Its is far more likely that the cutting down will be (a) a temporary measure (b) impossible to sustain and (c) he will pile a heap of excuses on for when he next gets caught, like how he was so stressed/ill/upset/whatever, like how he only MEANT to have 3 or 4 drinks socially but then didnt Fun Bobby buy him a drink and sure he didnt realise he was so drunk, he hadnt eaten much at lunch etc.....

Far more positive a step than the last chance scenario (which is often just delaying tactics) and far less damaging to the OP is to simply tell the guy that there is no more relationship unless he stops drinking and to come and see her when he gets himself sorted. Then if he gets sorted the door is open and if he doesnt the relationship is already over anyway.

Then the OP isnt left in the relationship finding herself wondering and worrying and mistrusting and trying to smell his breath etc.... But she has left the door open to him conditional on him resolving his alcohol issues.