Wife is sleeping with another man

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm an emotional wreck at the moment and I'm hoping that some boards posters might be able to offer me advice or something. I'll try not to ramble.

I'm a married man, I'm 35 and my wife is 29. We don't have kids. We've been married for almost 3 years, together 5 years in total. A few weeks ago my wife came home and told me that she slept with someone else and that she was sorry. I couldn't take it in, I was shocked, just shaking and I cried. I left the house and stayed with a mate.

A few days later I went back to the house and my wife and I talked, she begged for my forgiveness and said it was a drunken mistake. I agreed that we should try and start again. But since then she has been acting strangely, being very secretive with her phone etc. I knew she was seeing some else, I just felt it instinctively.

I know it was wrong, but while she was showering I looked through her phone and found explicit texts and photos from another man, she had also sent him explicit texts and photos . I was shaking, traumatised and I just cried, I knew my suspicions were correct but to have them confirmed like that and to see what I saw...

I know the guy, he is her ex boyfriend, they were together for a few years. TBH I've always been insecure in regards to him. He is a very good looking guy, very well built rugby player type, and is very successful. Plus my wife is drop dead gorgeous, I know it took a long time before she got over him, now it looks like she never did.. I keep torturing myself think of them together and the things she must have said to him.. I can't eat or sleep or function properly.

What should I do, I love her so much but I think she loves him.. why did she ask for a second chance?

Any advice please....

Tokyo

I'm sorry for your troubles OP, I imagine that you are still reeling with the shock of it all right now.

I think the question you have to ask yourself right now - before you even ask her if she wants to try to save your marriage - is whether you think that you can work through this or not? I know from experience that for me, if I were to find out that my partner was cheating on me that it would mean the end of the relationship, and that trying to salvage anything would be a fruitless task. But that's me. So you need to ask yourself if this is something that you can live with?

If you think that you can, then you need to talk to her, let her know that you've seen the text exchanges between you and this guy (I'm assuming that these exchanges took place after the admitted the affair to you), and why she asked for a second chance if she had no intention of putting an end to it. To me it sounds like they were spotted together or somebody found out, and she told you first before somebody else did. But the only way to find out is to talk to her, and for her to be 100% honest with you. Anything less than that, and you may as well walk away now. If you are willing to entertain the possibility of forgiving her, whether your marriage can be saved or not is going to come down to whether she can be honest with you, and whether she is willing to work with you to save your marriage.

Taltos

Before letting her know you know I would suggest you get legal advice Asap. You need to know what your rights are and how to protect yourself here including any equity you both have.

LegacyUser

Hi, this is the original poster,

Thanks poster mike ie, to answer your question, I don't know if I can get over this. I thought everything was fine, I love her. She isn't a bad person by the way, I've always felt intuitively that she felt that he was ''the one that got away'' but thought that she had parked those feelings and had moved on and wanted me, how wrong was I... As I mentioned I do compare myself to her ex, the guy looks like Mr. America, I've been in his company before and women behave like school girls around him. I'm still in shock, can't really function, I haven't confronted her yet about the text and pictures. I think I may be in denial also, maybe trying to stop the inevitable, I love her so much.. Do you think there's a chance that she still wants to be with me?

jimd2

I am very sorry to hear of this. Your marriage is finished, you are better getting her away from your house as soon as possible.

Keep her phone, dont worry about the PC people that would criticise you for looking at it. You are TOTALLY justified in checking it (assuming you are telling us the truth of course).

Then after that I would dump her sorry ass out on the street. Get her clothes and dump them in the boot of her car. if it was me I wouldnt even leave her enough clothes to get dressed after the shower.

And I would forward on her explicit texts to her siblings and friends (not her parents of course as that could effect their health). And send it to some of her work colleagues and also send it to lover boy's workplace.

Make this hurt her (without physically touching her of course). Dont accept any protestations of regret and requests for forgiveness. She will only be trying to buy time so she can get away from you on her terms.

Get rid on YOUR terms.

December2012

Do you want your marriage to be over?

Forget about what she wants - what do you want?

Personally if my husband cheated on me and wanted to work on it, I would. I would go to see a marriage counsellor, maybe on my own but preferably with my husband.

athtrasna

Talk to her, you loved her once, you still might.

December2012

I know you think she considers the ex as "the one who got away" but she married you. In the past, she picked you.

She did confess.

You will have to ask her about the texts and the photographs. You do have to stand up for yourself. Even if you do taje her back - you deserve to be treated better.

ABajaninCork

jimd2 wrote: »

I am very sorry to hear of this. Your marriage is finished, you are better getting her away from your house as soon as possible.

Keep her phone, dont worry about the PC people that would criticise you for looking at it. You are TOTALLY justified in checking it (assuming you are telling us the truth of course).

Then after that I would dump her sorry ass out on the street. Get her clothes and dump them in the boot of her car. if it was me I wouldnt even leave her enough clothes to get dressed after the shower.

And I would forward on her explicit texts to her siblings and friends (not her parents of course as that could effect their health). And send it to some of her work colleagues and also send it to lover boy's workplace.

Make this hurt her (without physically touching her of course). Dont accept any protestations of regret and requests for forgiveness. She will only be trying to buy time so she can get away from you on her terms.

Get rid on YOUR terms.

OP - If you have any sense, you'll ignore this advice. Not smart. Not smart at all.

You need to try to keep your head now. As Taltos says - get legal advice.

Try to stay with a mate/family for a few days. You need people around you now, so don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about telling people. You've done nothing to be ashamed of.

When your head clears a little, sit down and talk to your wife. Clearly, all wasn't well in your marriage if your wife feels the need to cheat.

After that? If this is a dealbreaker for you, then you need to separate as quickly and cleanly as possible.

Big hugs - You sound like a lovely bloke!

Thespoofer

You will not believe it at this moment in time, one day you will look back on this and think what a lucky escape.

I was in a similar situation as yourself where it almost killed me ( marriage breakup ). It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through and no matter what people/friends said, I was absolutely written off to the point of ending up in hospital.
My point is, what you do now, is going to be the time you will look back on, in a few years and wish you gave yourself every chance to save any bit of dignity you may have left from this obviously finished relationship ( in my opinion ).

If you can hold your head, try and plan your escape from this, you're still young enough to rebuild.

I am very sorry for your loss.

dissed doc

She has done it now at age 29 after 3 years of marriage, she will do it again if there are no consequences. Tolerating it, accepting it, continuing the marriage as it is, means for her there are no consequences: she continues the security of marriage legally and is being sexually satisfied by another man.

For your own dignity, self respect and future, of your long life, move on. She has broken this relationship and if was truly acting like your wife of 3 years she would not cheat. Drunk is no excuse. She is an adult woman and responsible for her actions.

Get copies of all the texts, and after the separation or divorce sue her for maintenance. She has failed completely in her obligations in a marriage, as a man would that is cheating. IF she wants free and single (and likely got pumped and dumped a few times by this guy previously) she is unlikely to change until she is in her late 30s and desperate. Your wife is a cheater right now. You are under no obligation to wait for her to grow up and stop acting like a teenager wanting to hook up with whoever she wants.

So, are you going to tolerate this for another 6 or 8 years? She is happily getting laid elsewhere after 3 years of marriage, so sexually is there any future?

You are 35, and unlike her when she is 35, you have your whole life of fulfilling and mutually respecting relationships ahead of you. One of the only reasons to stay in a marriage where there are no children, in your 30s, is if there is completely mutual respect for each other. She does not respect you as her husband, or as a human being. A girlfriend of 3 years? Unacceptable. A wife of 3 years? You have got to be kidding, if you stick to it.

Divorce and separation in Ireland is completely stacked against men. Get out now, or else she will drift this along for another few years and then split when she is 32 with a b ig chunk of your income every month. You are paying a chunk of your monthly salary for her to fück some other guy. In one year your life will be unrecognisably better if you move on, IMO.

Rubberchikken

Don't make any hasty decisions.
Tbh you must be shocked and upset and that's not the best place to make decisions in.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Take care

Neyite

I'd ask her to leave while you get your head around the affair and give you space to have a good think as to whether you think the marriage can be salvaged or not. Why should you kip on a mates couch while your world implodes?

Take screen shots or pics of what you saw on her phone, and if she is truthful in wanting to save the marriage, she needs to be absolutely truthful in answering any questions you have, and they should tally with what you saw this on her phone.

While you are apart, if she takes up with him rather than work with you on repairing the damage then you have your answer sooner rather than later. Youll see if it really was a once off mistake or more.

Its OK to take as long as you need to think things through. And its OK if you initially try to make things work but change your mind down the line. If you choose to walk away, remember its not you that caused the end, it was her the moment she crossed that line.

InPainRightNow

Op so sorry for you similar story but with kids just keep your head which is very hard to do. Keep the evidence and go to solicitor first, afraid the marriage is over because believe me what you read and saw in those texts will never leave you.
It's almost a year I decided to check her phone and found a year worth of texts instant messages no photos thank god but I'm still tormented by them.
Take some time go to gp talk to friends and family and get as much support as possible.

Upside is you found out before you had children and in a year or so you'll be in a better place.

Best of luck Op

nc19

If my wife had sex with another person there would be no going back.

How anyone could be intimate with their partner after they cheated is beyond me.


Leave her imo. You're just lucky there's no kids.

jimd2

ABajaninCork wrote: »

OP - If you have any sense, you'll ignore this advice. Not smart. Not smart at all.

You need to try to keep your head now. As Taltos says - get legal advice.

Try to stay with a mate/family for a few days. You need people around you now, so don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about telling people. You've done nothing to be ashamed of.

When your head clears a little, sit down and talk to your wife. Clearly, all wasn't well in your marriage if your wife feels the need to cheat.

After that? If this is a dealbreaker for you, then you need to separate as quickly and cleanly as possible.

Big hugs - You sound like a lovely bloke!

I would agree with you......if she was genuine in her remorse or if it was a one night stand.

But, according to the OP, she has continued to be secretive about her phone and acting strangely. The OP is convinced that she is continuing to see this guy.

It is your advice that is not smart at all, can you not see that this is not a random stranger? she has held a torch for her ex and deliberately started seeing him again and has continued to do so and held on to his messages.

If the wife had come home, confessed up front and erased the messages and cut all ties with lover boy the, yes, you would have a point. But (going on the OP's story ) this is not the case here.

I would add that nobody is perfect and the OP can be certain that lover boy is far from perfect. If women are falling for him the way the OP describes then the relationship with the wife might not stand the test of time.

ABajaninCork

jimd2 wrote: »

I would agree with you......if she was genuine in her remorse or if it was a one night stand.

But, according to the OP, she has continued to be secretive about her phone and acting strangely. The OP is convinced that she is continuing to see this guy.

It is your advice that is not smart at all, can you not see that this is not a random stranger? she has held a torch for her ex and deliberately started seeing him again and has continued to do so and held on to his messages.

If the wife had come home, confessed up front and erased the messages and cut all ties with lover boy the, yes, you would have a point. But (going on the OP's story ) this is not the case here.

So you think that acting out of spite and revenge is the answer? The OP needs to think with his head. Not another part of his anatomy, and not out of blind rage/wounded pride. Let's say he takes your advice. Everyone knows his wife cheated and is continuing to cheat. Then what? He still needs to sort out the nuts and bolts especially if there's property involved.

He needs to get smart. Not stupid.

jimd2

ABajaninCork wrote: »

So you think that acting out of spite and revenge is the answer? The OP needs to think with his head. Not another part of his anatomy, and not out of blind rage/wounded pride. Let's say he takes your advice. Everyone knows his wife cheated and is continuing to cheat. Then what? He still needs to sort out the nuts and bolts especially if there's property involved.

He needs to get smart. Not stupid.

Your words were "Clearly, all wasn't well in your marriage if your wife feels the need to cheat." I dont agree. The problem looks to be with her and I see very little evidence in the post that the root cause is their marriage. It strongly looks like she hasnt given the marriage a chance and that it was a backup option when things hadnt worked out with lover boy.

I dont know how they got back together but I wouldnt be surprised if she was suddenly more appealing to him when she was married, he saw her as someone that was now harder to get and regretted finishing with her.

As say I am basing my comments on the OP's description and based on that it seems to me that she met him and married him even though she still had major feelings for the ex. That was possibly a selfish manipulation of the OP and she has possibly ruined his life.

I am a very mild person (possibly too nice) but if that happened to me I would make sure that my wife's siblings and mates knew what a cheating piece of work she is. You never know, maybe some friends already knew about the affair. And she wouldnt spend another night in the house. I would forgive a ons but this seems well beyond that.

glued

Keep your head and take some time. You seem like you are an honest person but maybe you should try and get a third perspective on things. On your own I would consult a counsellor. At this stage you need to take control of the situation. Often in relationships one partner will simply try and ignore the cheating as the anxiety and fear of being on their own is so great.

Unfortunately, since you still consider her to be secretive, despite the fact that you mention that you think tou're trying to play it all off in your own head, I think that is massive. Let's look after you OP, it's a horrible thing to suffer but don't suffer alone and talk to a professional or a friend. This is a massive decision for you.

You need to own the situation before it gets out of control.

Piriz

Solicitor is a good idea... after that I'd be making plans to be over her and moving on asap... there is better out there for you...tell her to f*ck off and ensure damage limitation for yourself, emotionally, financially, socially...
Best...

Slutmonkey57b

If you own a house together don't move out. Tell her to leave for a few days while you get your head together, and get legal advice in the meantime.

Don't get cheated out of a house you're paying for by a cheater.

bjork

Confront her and ask her to leave.
You gave her a second chance when she asked and she makes a fool of you by continuing the relationship on the side.
You are her security in case the other doesn't work out.

drumswan

Get legal advice now. Regardless to what you are going to do. You need to protect yourself.

piperh

Firstly get legal advice so you know the pro's and cons of separating.

Sit her down and talk, telling her you know what's going on but leave out the fact you've always felt insecure and she'd settled for you. These are your issues and dwelling on them will cloud your judgments. Be sure if you decide to work through things you get counselling as individuals as well as as a couple. You need to be able to express your feelings without worrying about each others.

Good luck.

ShowMeTheCash

OP - This is tough!
Look end of the day no one has a crystal ball so there is no way of knowing what you should do.....

However know this, heartache will fade even if you feel you are breaking in two...

From the information you have provided for me there would be no going back.
You are only a few years into a marriage and you have no kids...

Maybe just try and get some distance from her and the whole thing, take a break from the relationship, see how you feel in a month or two.

Tell her you need time to think if you cannot wait then dude I think you just need to let it go.

RoscommonTom

Your better of without a tramp like this in your life, Make sure and keep detailed records of everything in case you have to go through the courts, everything she says to you, text messages and the lot, if you can take photos of the sexy text messages and naked snaps do that too,

tinkerbell

jimd2 wrote: »

And I would forward on her explicit texts to her siblings and friends (not her parents of course as that could effect their health). And send it to some of her work colleagues and also send it to lover boy's workplace.

OP, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you but for the love of God, do NOT follow the above "advice". Sending explicit texts onto her siblings and friends? WTF? Nevermind sending them to her work colleagues and his work colleagues? Bloody heck, not only is it completely inappropriate and unprofessional but it is NOBODY else's business except for the OP and his wife, and it most certainly is not of ANY concern for her work colleagues.

In fact, if the OP did this, everybody would think bad of the OP. I know if I got a text from a work colleague's other half with explicit texts sent by their cheating partner I'd be thinking (a) WTF does this have to do with me, (b) why did they send me grossly inappropriate text messages detailing an affair which again has nothing to do with me and (c) what a weirdo that person is for sending me on those text messages.

Unfortunately I think your marriage is over. But only you can decide that. She got caught, said it was a mistake but then carried on contacting him. That pretty much spells the end of things. I suggest you ask her to leave while you get your head around things and go get legal advice. Good luck OP.

ZiabR

Sorry to hear about this OP. Very difficult situation to be in. If it were me, no matter how much I loved her, it would be over. The respect is lost and that is something that cannot be gained again in my opinion. She has thrown everything away in my eyes, if she was still in love with him what the hell was she doing marrying you.

1) Speak with a solicitor and discuss your options
2) Decide whether you are going to confront her about the messages on the phone
3) Decide if you, yourself want to give this a go

TheBeardedLady

jimd2 wrote: »

Your words were "Clearly, all wasn't well in your marriage if your wife feels the need to cheat." I dont agree. The problem looks to be with her and I see very little evidence in the post that the root cause is their marriage. It strongly looks like she hasnt given the marriage a chance and that it was a backup option when things hadnt worked out with lover boy.

I dont know how they got back together but I wouldnt be surprised if she was suddenly more appealing to him when she was married, he saw her as someone that was now harder to get and regretted finishing with her.

As say I am basing my comments on the OP's description and based on that it seems to me that she met him and married him even though she still had major feelings for the ex. That was possibly a selfish manipulation of the OP and she has possibly ruined his life.

I am a very mild person (possibly too nice) but if that happened to me I would make sure that my wife's siblings and mates knew what a cheating piece of work she is. You never know, maybe some friends already knew about the affair. And she wouldnt spend another night in the house. I would forgive a ons but this seems well beyond that.

He'd come out looking like the mad one if he took your advice. Can you imagine being a colleague of the OP's wife and receiving those messages? I'd be wondering why the hell they were sent to me and if the OP was alright in the head.

This is between the OP and his wife.

I understand the anger that comes with these situations and it's tempting get revenge on the person who hurt you. This woman is despicable in my book and I'd never forgive someone like her but it's up to him whether he wants to forgive her, not us. The practicalities have to be dealt with and he has to keep his cool to deal with all this.

This is not Hollywood and in reality, the reward of this kind of revenge would be fleeting and then he's left in the same situation he was originally (a cheating wife, shared assets and a broken heart) but having lost all sympathy from potential allies who could help him for stooping to her scummy level.

Dealing with this coolly and calmly and showing this woman he won't take her shit will hurt the most, not losing the rag and acting like a mad man and making the woman and all those around her believe she dodged a bullet.

s15r330

I know everybody is different but only recently my friend discovered texts on his wife's phone to another man. She denied everything and he swept it under the carpet.
St Stephens day she packed her bags and left to go off with the other lad!
Don't let it slide. If it was me i'd give her the boot. Even if she stays it will always be in the back of your mind. Clean break now and as one poster said, you'll look back on this and think lucky escape!!

Mick Murdock

Seek legal advice and then cut your losses. It sounds to me like your marriage is over. I'm sorry if this is mean spirited but marrying at 26 is crazy and asking for trouble.

If there's anything to be thankful for its that you don't have children.

Never settle for being second best.


Good luck.

Wabbit Ears

Tread carefully.

Very very carefully

Seek the legal advice of a divorce lawyer before doing ABSOLUTLY anything.

kjl

Hi OP

My only advice is to take screenshots of the messages.

I don't think this is going to end well, either you end it now, or she ends in in a few years. Perhaps some part of her loves you, but she does not respect you.

I think if it were me and I did forgive her, it would eat away at me for years until I finally break down.

Consider this every argument you will ever have this will always be on the back of your mind. If I push her away she might go back to him.

SATSUMA

You both need to talk. Then things will hopefully become clearer for you.

Good luck

Dixie Chick

I feel very sorry for you OP, this is just a horrible situation and I say the feelings you are having now wouldn't be wished on anyones worst enemy.

I am really confused as to why she would admit to sleeping with someone but still carry it on....that's just cruel and deceptive rolled into one. Her relationship with this man didn't work before, and wont work now. Not that this is any consolation to you now of course

Let your head clear, talk to someone you can trust, don't be afraid to tell someone just in case you decide to go back with her and then feel judged...just take care of yourself.

Legal advice might seem the furthest from your mind now and until you are ready just make sure you have a support network near you.

Augme

No way should you take her back OP. You really need to have more self-respect for yourself.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I'm still in a very bad place, didn't sleep at all last night. I haven't confronted her yet, I suppose I'm not yet mentally prepared for all the pain that will follow. I still keep on seeing those pictures she sent him in my mind, I can't get over them because she looks incredible in them, they are extremely sexy and I suppose it's destroyed my ego too because she's never been this way with me, she has never sent pictures of herself to me. It's like a different side of her that I never knew, she usually dresses very elegantly and behaves and speaks like a real lady but then seeing those pictures.. I'm rambling but I just can't get over this betrayal, has it all been a lie?

I go from one feeling to the next, first I feel like I'm going to pick myself up and I'm going to do this but 15 minutes later I think about her and I feel heartache because I love her so much... I never thought this would happen to me...

Slutmonkey57b

She does things for him she won't do for you. You're her husband. This tells you all you need to know. Don't let this woman treat you as second best, or a backup plan. It's a hard, harsh thing to go through, but for your own long term health it's better to have a hard time now for a short time, than let her potentially continue this behaviour for months/years.

If she was going to stop she'd have done it already.

Mick Murdock

OP, what are your current financial/housing circumstances. It will be easier for people to advise if they have a better idea what is at stake.

It seems like you're not ready to give up on your marriage so perhaps you just have to talk to her and see what she says. It doesn't have to be the end of you think it's possible to forgive her and move on etc. Wouldn't be what I'd recommend normally but it seems you care about her a lot which I can definitely identify with.

secondcap

I am sorry for your troubles and I was in the same boat once myself and it was a nightmare but you will be ok.

Nobody (although well meaning) has the right to tell you what to do, You are probably not in the frame of mind to make a concrete decision so I would advise a few things

1 - Consider joint + separate counseling and give it maybe 6 months,

2 - See a solicitor ASAP and see what your rights are, Start working out a fall back plan if all else fails like where you will live etc etc

3 - Do not forgive her just cos you afraid of being alone, She must understand and see in practice what she has done has consequences

4 - Don't rely on alcohol as a crutch and excersise as this will keep your mind occupied and release stress.

5 - Finally it may sound really rude but get and STD test done, you've no idea where that other guy has been playing around

I wish you well but you seem like a brave person and I came through it so you will too.

Toots

I feel so sorry for you, it's a horrible situation you're in. I know you're in an awful place mentally right now, but you really ought to take some steps to protect yourself. Even if ye do end up working it out, you need to cover your ass just in case. First off, horrible as it will be, you need to get screenshots of those messages and pictures. Do this before you confront her, because if she even has any suspicion that you know, she'll delete them all and you'll have no proof.

Next I think you need to confide in either a friend or a family member, you really need a supporter at this time, and this is too big a deal to try to cope with on your own. I know you're devastated but you'd do well to get legal advice. Doing that doesn't mean that you have to end things with her, it's just being smart. You're not filing for separation, you're just asking a few questions. Also, as secondcap already pointed out, you will need to get yourself checked for STIs.

I think really you'll have to confront her sooner or later, and honestly I reckon it'd be best if you asked her to leave for a few days so you can clear your head a bit. I suspect that mike_ie's right when he says that she was probably rumbled somehow and told you because she was afraid someone else would. If she's still in the house after you confront her, I'd say she'll be constantly apologising and trying to do 'damage control' and play down their involvement. When she leaves the house, you could call your friend/family member and ask them to go over to you for a while if you don't want to be on your own.

kbell

I'd be popping round and having a "quiet" word with the ex before confronting her.

ABajaninCork

kbell wrote: »

I'd be popping round and having a "quiet" word with the ex before confronting her.

I wouldn't. Presumably, the ex is single, and will have no loyalty to the OP. HE didn't tell wifey to cheat!! That's adding petrol to the flames, and will likely drive the wife further into the ex's arms.

Mind you - the ex might well decide to sack the wife off if he sees she's too much like hard work! If that happens and I were the OP I still wouldn't take her back. I'd be feeling like a stopgap until the next fella comes along...

Tokyo

kbell wrote: »

I'd be popping round and having a "quiet" word with the ex before confronting her.

kbell - suggesting violence as an answer, be it implied or otherwise, is unacceptable here, as per the forum charter. If you can't post constructively towards the OP's issue, then please don't post at all.

DoYouEvenLift

If you have even a tiny bit of self respect then you'll end the marriage. You've only been together 5 years and she's already cheating on you so what will she be like down the line? She cheated on you and after you forgave her and gave her another chance she still carried on texting him. She has absolutely no respect for you and you now have no trust in her, it's over. Seek legal advice before discussing anything with her.


All I can say is it's a pity you didn't get to see her true colours before getting into a legally binded relationship, even though she's the one who cheated I can imagine she'll come out equal or even on top of the divorce. It wouldn't hurt if you had evidence of her cheating though I'm sure, maybe your lawyer can help with that.


Count yourself lucky that you don't have children with this vile person.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, Can you think of a list of the things you love about this woman?
So far all I can remember you saying about her is that she is drop dead gorgeous, and that she looks amazing and sexy in the photos she sent.
Do you think she is a good person, do you like her personality? I assume you surely do because you married her, but it might help a lot to think about the traits this woman has (or doesnt have) that make her a potentially good wife.
Relationships and attraction can be based on far more than physical attractiveness and often as time goes by the other things like trust, honesty, laughter, common values and morals have more to play in the strength of a partnership than the physical stuff.
What do your family and friends think of this person, has anyone close to you ever expressed concerns about your relationship? Or concerns about your suitability?
It often happens in these situations that you'll realise other people have been trying to express their concerns to you all along but you just dont hear it.

skallywag

OP, I'm very sorry to hear about your predicament.

In my opinion there is no way back here, even if you do your best to give it another whirl and to wipe the slate clean, it will still always be there gnawing away at you and will eventually eat you up, despite your best intentions.

The one saving grace, if I can call it that, is that you have no kids together, this will make any separation much cleaner and easier to take. I know that the last thing you want to hear at the moment is someone telling you to look on the bright side, but believe me if kids are also involved it gets exponentially messier and nastier.

Do your best to protect yourself as others have advised. I'm not sure of your exact financial situation, but I would put safeguards in place immediately to prevent her getting her hands on anything which she may fight for, e.g. if you happen to have a personal saving a/c, etc.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

First of, I'm really really sorry to read your situation. I'm no stranger to women problems but this one must be terrible.

Secondly, I've read through the posts that others have made. In my opinion, the only thing you should be contemplating right now is which of the many solicitors there are too choose from because if you even have a shred of self respect, you'll end this marriage. Some suggested counselling and they are quite frankly, wrong. Regardless of what you're eife may have told you before, her actions speak a lot louder. There should be no inward soul searching and thinking what went wrong in the marriage. Mature couples normally talk these things our, not cheat on their partner.

Before you go any further, get advice from your solicitor. If possible, try and get the text messages and picture messages forwarded onto your phone. I dunno, maybe send them to yourself from her phone when she's in the shower. Youll need evidence, but again, check with your solicitor first. There might be some bull**** about invasion of privacy in doing that.

With regards to the other guy, don't bother contacting him. He won't care. I have some friends like him and while they are good friends, they are fairly **** people who don't really see beyond their penis/vagina.

Finally, take your wife off this pedestal you have her on. You're shooting way below your weight with her. If you were with someone you deserved, you wouldn't be posting here.

And good luck.

walshb

It seems that she has already had one chance which she blew. It really is decision time. Do you want to keep trying, and living your life never really being sure and trusting and always wondering or panicking with her?

LegacyUser

two_AM wrote: »

Hi OP, Can you think of a list of the things you love about this woman?


Despite everything, she is a good person. She is very kind, emphatic and witty. She is very elegant and is a real lady. For example last year my mother was ill and it was my wife who suggested that she come and stay with us for a while, my mother loves my wife and they have a great relationship. I can say objectively that she is a good person.

Beaner1

It's over. Cut the cord tonight.

Life will get better in time.