Single, Friendless and Terrified

1ehkrjq6x2opfm

Ok, so it's a dramatic heading but it's kinda how I'm feeling right now! I'm just two months out of 'THE' relationship (engaged, planned a family etc). My ex-fiance left the day after I joined a new company. All his friends were my friends which has now left me with a new job, no friends in Dublin and a terrifying realisation that all the plans I made with my ex will never happen.

My close friends are living abroad and are now settled and starting to have children which leaves me with the task of making new friends in Dublin at the ripe age of 31!

I'm still reeling after my relationship and to be honest, I struggle to get through the day. My New Years eve plan involves ignoring it as much as possible!

Anyone in the same / similar position that can offer some sage advice please?

Thanks

riveratom

Davian Chilly Noodle wrote: »

Ok, so it's a dramatic heading but it's kinda how I'm feeling right now! I'm just two months out of 'THE' relationship (engaged, planned a family etc). My ex-fiance left the day after I joined a new company. All his friends were my friends which has now left me with a new job, no friends in Dublin and a terrifying realisation that all the plans I made with my ex will never happen.

My close friends are living abroad and are now settled and starting to have children which leaves me with the task of making new friends in Dublin at the ripe age of 31!

I'm still reeling after my relationship and to be honest, I struggle to get through the day. My New Years eve plan involves ignoring it as much as possible!

Anyone in the same / similar position that can offer some sage advice please?

Thanks

meetup.com

Book a trip to see one or more of your friends early in the New Year?

ash23

I moved to be with my now ex and felt similar when it ended.
I was left similar to you...friendless, not near family and trying to deal with the fact that my life as I know it was over and I had to start again.

My advice is as follows

1-don't make any rash decisions

2-be bold. Say yes to every invitation for a night out even if it means going on your own. You'll soon meet new people. So next time someone says "I'd love to go to that gig but none of my friends are interested", you say "shur I'll go with you". Next time someone says "we should really get together for a catch up" don't just say "yeah sure..soon". Be the organiser. Arrange nights out or nights in....people will tend to go to things but they don't tend to arrange them so someone has to be the one to sort out the details. If that's you then your social life will take off.

3-join a group. Meetup.com is great.

4-stop thinking about the future. At the moment just try to live day by day. Thinking about the future is too daunting and scary.

You'll be fine. In fact, the couple of years after I became single were probably the best in my life in terms of social life and friends. I had an absolute ball, went loads of places and met loads of people.

It's 6 or 7 years on now and I look back really fondly on those years.

Saipanne

Davian Chilly Noodle wrote: »

Ok, so it's a dramatic heading but it's kinda how I'm feeling right now! I'm just two months out of 'THE' relationship (engaged, planned a family etc). My ex-fiance left the day after I joined a new company. All his friends were my friends which has now left me with a new job, no friends in Dublin and a terrifying realisation that all the plans I made with my ex will never happen.

My close friends are living abroad and are now settled and starting to have children which leaves me with the task of making new friends in Dublin at the ripe age of 31!

I'm still reeling after my relationship and to be honest, I struggle to get through the day. My New Years eve plan involves ignoring it as much as possible!

Anyone in the same / similar position that can offer some sage advice please?

Thanks

Hello, I'm a fella. I was engaged at 31, and like you it ended. Truthfully, it took me about two years to truly get over it, had a few messy flings in that time. But I met someone new early this year, and now the future is looking good again.

My advice would be to not rush into something new, and try fill the void. That's what I did, and it was too messy, because you still miss the person you were engaged to, and it's not fair on the new flames.

Just take some time off from dating, and focus on making new friends. I'd highly recommend a website called Meetup.com. It's a load of different social groups that meet up, and I made new friends there.

Good luck.

1ehkrjq6x2opfm

Thanks guys
I've joined Meetup and will head to the event that they have on Sunday.I think I'm just impatient for things to move on and get better! Hoping that the Boards community will also help.... you all seem like a nice, friendly bunch!

strobe

There's a ladies lounge meet up forum here too http://touch.boards.ie/forum/1344

It's a private forum s you have to PM one of the moderators for details on how to get access.

Lots of the other forums on here meet up for drinks or things too occasionally and lots of people seem to have made good friends through them. A sticky will usually get posted on the top of the forum so might be an idea to keep an eye out for them.

Sparkles78

Davian Chilly Noodle wrote: »

Thanks guys
I've joined Meetup and will head to the event that they have on Sunday.I think I'm just impatient for things to move on and get better! Hoping that the Boards community will also help.... you all seem like a nice, friendly bunch!

Hi Aoife just wondering if you went to the meet up event and how you got on? I'm 36 and just over 1 year out of a 17yr LTR and still struggling tbh. I have a small circle of very good close friends but all are married and having kids so I feel alone most of the time too, life is very daunting and scary at the moment I signed up to meetup.com but never actually had the balls to go to any of the events, maybe its time to step out of my comfort zone. :eek:

Saipanne wrote: »

My advice would be to not rush into something new, and try fill the void. That's what I did, and it was too messy, because you still miss the person you were engaged to, and it's not fair on the new flames.

Agree with this, I got into a relationship straight away, on and off for the past year, I'm still not fully over my LTR so its defo not fair on the new flames and I found myself constantly comparing them to each other.

Good luck I hope things work out for you

iwantmydinner

I've moved a lot for work over the past few years and had my fair share of headmelt from breakups, so I can definitely relate to what you're feeling right now. It seems so hard to make friends as a 'grown-up' in a new place!

I would say that ash has pretty much nailed it in terms of advice. Just be really proactive in organising things socially - you're lucky in that you're new to Dublin, which I think is a super little city, whereas I was new to a couple of very small provincial towns, hundreds of miles from everyone and everything I knew and loved.

Getting over the breakup is kind of a different thing and needs a different approach, I think. Make sure you give yourself time to get over the shock, then grieve the relationship and the loss of your future plans, and you will 100% get to a place where you thoroughly enjoy being single again.

Also, another poster mentioned booking a trip to visit a close friend abroad soon - I would definitely get on that, it's a brilliant idea!

irish gent

you can check out the web site called meet ups. Its very good if you want to make new friends .

Dark Phoenix

engagement ended last year and can totally understand how hard the first few months are.

I'd echo the advice to say yes to every opportunity. You never know where it will take you or what friends you will meet. You are a free agent now and can do whatever you want whenever you want so take advantage of it.

Is it possible to join some sports clubs or start a hobby? Its a great way to meet new people and as you already have a shared interest its easy to talk.

also, book trips to see friends so that you always have something to look forward to. I have done that and keep doing it as I find that if I have something coming up that I know ill enjoy it will get me through bad days.

1ehkrjq6x2opfm

Sparkles78 wrote: »

Hi Aoife just wondering if you went to the meet up event and how you got on? I'm 36 and just over 1 year out of a 17yr LTR and still struggling tbh. I have a small circle of very good close friends but all are married and having kids so I feel alone most of the time too, life is very daunting and scary at the moment I signed up to meetup.com but never actually had the balls to go to any of the events, maybe its time to step out of my comfort zone. :eek:




Agree with this, I got into a relationship straight away, on and off for the past year, I'm still not fully over my LTR so its defo not fair on the new flames and I found myself constantly comparing them to each other.

Good luck I hope things work out for you

Hey there

I chickened out of going.... definitely going to one soon....really soon. Happy to be your mutual support if you fancy being mine at the next event?

:P

sonners

I don't have any advice unfortunately just wanted to thank everyone for their suggestions. I'm in a similar position to you OP. 31, female, just finished a relationship of 16 years. Over the years our friends were just that, 'our' friends, now though they're 'his' friends and over the holidays he caused a few scenes anytime I tried to socialise with them.

I think my only option is to start from scratch and get myself some new buddies. We have a 1 year old girl which will make it difficult for me to get out and meet people but I'm just going to have to manage. I'm pretty angry at the moment to be honest, angry that I've been left in this position when I have done nothing wrong. We were trying to conceive for 2 years, when I eventually got pregnant the conversation went like this:

me: I'm pregnant
him: I was thinking of breaking up with you.

I hung on for 18 months after that, doing everything I could to make it work and make him love me and want me but sometimes its just not meant to be.

Sorry to hijack your thread! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm not living close to you unfortunately but feel free to PM me anytime you want to chat.

I've looked up some meetups in my area and I aim to go to one before the end of January (thats my little goal for this month). So even though we can't go together maybe we can encourage eachother from afar

Sparkles78

Davian Chilly Noodle wrote: »

Hey there

I chickened out of going.... definitely going to one soon....really soon. Happy to be your mutual support if you fancy being mine at the next event?

:P

Yeah I'd be up for that! New year time to try new things

Sparkles78

sonners wrote: »

I don't have any advice unfortunately just wanted to thank everyone for their suggestions. I'm in a similar position to you OP. 31, female, just finished a relationship of 16 years. Over the years our friends were just that, 'our' friends, now though they're 'his' friends and over the holidays he caused a few scenes anytime I tried to socialise with them.

I think my only option is to start from scratch and get myself some new buddies. We have a 1 year old girl which will make it difficult for me to get out and meet people but I'm just going to have to manage. I'm pretty angry at the moment to be honest, angry that I've been left in this position when I have done nothing wrong. We were trying to conceive for 2 years, when I eventually got pregnant the conversation went like this:

me: I'm pregnant
him: I was thinking of breaking up with you.

I hung on for 18 months after that, doing everything I could to make it work and make him love me and want me but sometimes its just not meant to be.

Sorry to hijack your thread! I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm not living close to you unfortunately but feel free to PM me anytime you want to chat.

I've looked up some meetups in my area and I aim to go to one before the end of January (thats my little goal for this month). So even though we can't go together maybe we can encourage eachother from afar

My heart goes out to you sonners it's a very long time to have been with somebody, half your lifetime but you sound like a very strong person. Sending Hugs x

Littlekittylou

I think both aoifebeefah and Sonners are almost going through a type of grief.

I think attitude is important.

Wow sonners that is such an emotional story. I think for both you and Aoifebeefah having a positive outlook right now shows great fortitude. Think of it like this you are free to have fun and make the life you want now. You can make great friends and make better choices for partners. This tide will pass.

I think a hobby is great. Because it's not just about the people around you but it is actually in yourself. Something you like that will boost yourself esteem. It will be different for everyone. I find when I meet nice people I end up meeting their friends etc and nice people usually have nice friends. The network of the positive people we bring in far outweighs the network of the past we left behind.

Be kind to yourself :-)

Well done to you for taking positive self nurturing steps.

sonners

Thank you for your kind wishes. I definitely agree that a breakup from a LTR really is a form of grief. You need to spend time grieving the life you lost. All the plans you made and all the things you thought you had all sown up.

I've been fortunate in that a very good friend of mine split from her partner in recent months also. She's on the other side of the world but its been great to talk to someone who's going through the same emotions. It really helped me feel validated and we've also helped each-other pick ourselves up and start the baby steps of our new lives.

The last year of my life has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do and for a time I thought I'd never recover and never get back to being myself again. But things are looking up, its not easy yet nor am I 'enjoying every minute' but I truly believe I can be happy on my own and I can be successful on my own. It took a long time to get to here but I'm looking forward to where the rest of my journey takes me now.

OP I'm in the same boat as you and at the same age too. I thought he was the one and that we'd be engaged soon (as that was where we were heading) and then out of the blue he's just "not in it anymore". Apart from being a major shock to the system, it's absolutely devastating and scary but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Definitely go to some of the meet-ups and maybe think about travelling if you get the chance, it's actually quite liberating to do it on your own!

Sonners I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and Sparkles too, It's just such a crappy thing to go through and especially when everyone around you seems to be loved up. But its so important not to compare yourselves to other people (and remember not all relationships are happy relationships under the surface).

LegacyUser

It can seem be hard. I went through a simliar situation twice. Heres what I learned... then went back and had to relearn cause I didnt pay attention the first time:

1. Do what you want and enjoy it.
moreover, enjoy not being accountable to anyone else. However, dont do anything just cause youre single and believe thats what all singles are supposed to do. Listen to yourself and figure out what you like.

2. Put the focus on others. Put a whole range pf other people first - friends and family yes. But perhaps within the community too. Charities like Alone or SVP would be glad of your time and reaching put to help others is an excellent way to alliviate your own feelings and bring genuine Happiness.

3. Join a club - I did fencing (fail...) and a bookclub (aka wine appreciation society). 2 years on Id count those women as my closest friends. You wont like it all and it wont all work but thats ok. If you live in an apartment block - put up a sign to do book club local. I think a lot pf people wpuld apreciate the chamce to know their neighbours better.

4. When angry - have a venting point. I chose kockboxing and watching horror movies I could never normally deal with.

5. Have a few new goals and set dates for them. The important thing is that they are not about self perfecting but about happiness.

6. Its not you, online dating websites and apps just genuinely suck. Dont let friends in couples attempt to wistfully live life through you by letting them set a profile up on your behalf. They think theyre being helpful but they are really not. Do it yourself if you want though of course.

7. Allow yourself a few mess ups. Date people you wouldnt normally date. Then clock them down to experience. But again, refer to rule one.

8. Embrace your inner weirdo. Being in a couple often means you sacrifice the little stuff because it doesnt suit the pair. Like odd food quirks or a predisposition for 80s murder mystery tv series. Nobodies watching, so feck it.

9. Consider your circle of influence..
Write down everything that worries you or make you feel bad. What ones are within a 'circle of influnce' - that you can change? What actions (even small) can you take to change or improve them. Actually, the smaller the better. Are there ones that have a potential silver lining? (Eg few friends in Dublin... maybe that means I can angle for my dream job in some sunnier glamorous place.)

10. Remember we are all lonely. At some point or another. And more frequently than we would care to admit. Modern society and the digital age has made us feel that any form of a 'void' in life is a failure. Actually we need to value those voids more and feel happy in ourselves and just ourselves. There are plenty of books on the subject. Dont be afraid to embrace it a little and even enjoy - via mindfulness, yoga whatever floats your boat.

11. Ben and Jerrys

leahyl

^^^^^^^^
Great post

1ehkrjq6x2opfm

That might just be the best thing I've read this year.... that and an invite for coffee from a Boards.ie poster!

Thanks so much! Definitely going to take a few of those and make them work! It's sad but comforting that there are many people in the same boat. Happy in a way though as now I get to reach out and talk to people.

Thanks again Rayray - awesome post!

Rayray*** wrote: »

It can seem be hard. I went through a simliar situation twice. Heres what I learned... then went back and had to relearn cause I didnt pay attention the first time:

1. Do what you want and enjoy it.
moreover, enjoy not being accountable to anyone else. However, dont do anything just cause youre single and believe thats what all singles are supposed to do. Listen to yourself and figure out what you like.

2. Put the focus on others. Put a whole range pf other people first - friends and family yes. But perhaps within the community too. Charities like Alone or SVP would be glad of your time and reaching put to help others is an excellent way to alliviate your own feelings and bring genuine Happiness.

3. Join a club - I did fencing (fail...) and a bookclub (aka wine appreciation society). 2 years on Id count those women as my closest friends. You wont like it all and it wont all work but thats ok. If you live in an apartment block - put up a sign to do book club local. I think a lot pf people wpuld apreciate the chamce to know their neighbours better.

4. When angry - have a venting point. I chose kockboxing and watching horror movies I could never normally deal with.

5. Have a few new goals and set dates for them. The important thing is that they are not about self perfecting but about happiness.

6. Its not you, online dating websites and apps just genuinely suck. Dont let friends in couples attempt to wistfully live life through you by letting them set a profile up on your behalf. They think theyre being helpful but they are really not. Do it yourself if you want though of course.

7. Allow yourself a few mess ups. Date people you wouldnt normally date. Then clock them down to experience. But again, refer to rule one.

8. Embrace your inner weirdo. Being in a couple often means you sacrifice the little stuff because it doesnt suit the pair. Like odd food quirks or a predisposition for 80s murder mystery tv series. Nobodies watching, so feck it.

9. Consider your circle of influence..
Write down everything that worries you or make you feel bad. What ones are within a 'circle of influnce' - that you can change? What actions (even small) can you take to change or improve them. Actually, the smaller the better. Are there ones that have a potential silver lining? (Eg few friends in Dublin... maybe that means I can angle for my dream job in some sunnier glamorous place.)

10. Remember we are all lonely. At some point or another. And more frequently than we would care to admit. Modern society and the digital age has made us feel that any form of a 'void' in life is a failure. Actually we need to value those voids more and feel happy in ourselves and just ourselves. There are plenty of books on the subject. Dont be afraid to embrace it a little and even enjoy - via mindfulness, yoga whatever floats your boat.

11. Ben and Jerrys

1ehkrjq6x2opfm

Hey
Sorry to hear you're in the same boat...I'm beginning to see the opportunity to start a Meetup style get together for Boards.ie folks! :P

Ah, I know I'll be fine - there's no option except survival but it's not the happiest of times just surviving. Sometimes I wish I woke up before my ex broke up with me and we were back to normal.

In other news, I met up with my 'baby' (dog) again at the weekend. I'd arranged to meet her new 'dad' in the park as he would walk her there regularly. It was the first time I'd seen her since I gave her up. It was a Hollywood moment - I saw her across the park and shouted her name and she came racing up to me. I was blubbering like a bleeding idiot - snots flying and all. It was great to see her but I was terrified that it would depress me but strangely it didn't. She's super happy in her new home and her new owner is smitten with her. I think it was such a hard decision to make (rehoming her) but it was definitely the right one. My point is .... surviving is hard but I know I'll get there.

Flying Fox wrote: »

OP I'm in the same boat as you and at the same age too. I thought he was the one and that we'd be engaged soon (as that was where we were heading) and then out of the blue he's just "not in it anymore". Apart from being a major shock to the system, it's absolutely devastating and scary but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Definitely go to some of the meet-ups and maybe think about travelling if you get the chance, it's actually quite liberating to do it on your own!

Sonners I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and Sparkles too, It's just such a crappy thing to go through and especially when everyone around you seems to be loved up. But its so important not to compare yourselves to other people (and remember not all relationships are happy relationships under the surface).

jennie75

Having read the posts up here by so many people , i too have such similarities with you all in various ways...im 32 , living in dublin , friends are all married , mostly living abroad , have kids etc etc..
bit of my background , i was engaged 3 years ago , to a wonderful guy - or at least i thought he was , but he also wanted to see someone else at the same time..towards the end of our relationship i discovered i was expecting a child , on the night that he decided to be with someone else , i went into labour and unfortunately our son didnt survive. my little angel just had a bigger plan to follow.
i totally agree that you need time to heal and grieve the loss of all the promised years , the memories..what might have been, its very hard , its particularly hard when your 32 , feeling very alone in a city where it seems like the place to meet someone is online , not down the pub or at a club..its very hard to have the courage to go to a meet up group , i have signed up to these and i have yet to go , as terrible as this sounds , the vibrant confident me kind of died that day 3 years ago, bit like a light , it just slowly fades over time...
just feel like i needed to post this , to reach out to those who have all been affected by the terrible war of love , in all her glory and might , she brings exhuberant joy and also leaves us wallowing in pain...
i totallly agree that the digital world and also societal pressures are there to fill the void in our human lives , its ok to recognise that we just need another human to care..and its ok to do this from the digital platform of boards, i would like it if there was a meet up type thing being set up , i would like to go too

Sparkles78

My heart goes out to you Jennie and I'm so sorry for your loss. Going through my break up last year was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, I thought my world was ending, it had been 13 months now and I am only starting to start feeling happy again so I cannot begin to imagine how you coped. You are one very brave and strong lady x

jennie75

thank you sparkles , yes i also still feel a bit like my world is slowly healing...it takes time , and its important to give yourself that time to be happy alone , before you can be happy with someone else..id like to think i am strong , but it takes its toll still , just take each day as it comes ...it will get easier and better in time