Don't love my wife anymore, I'm in love someone else

LegacyUser

Hi,

I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, maybe advice or other points of view. I've been married for 7 years, my wife and I are in our 30s and we have two young children. Basically, I'm very unhappy with her and have been for quite a while. My wife is a good person and a wonderful mother but I'm not in love with her anymore. I don't find her physically attractive anymore, in fact I cringe when she tries to initiate something. Don't get me wrong, she's a magnificent person but I don't see her as a lover anymore.

A few months ago I began seeing a younger work colleague who joined our company last year. I can't put into words the feelings I have for her, I have never felt this way about anyone. She is everything that my wife isn't, outgoing, vivacious, sexy and very sociable She is also the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on, she almost makes me want to cry sometimes. When I see her my heart skips a beat, when I'm with her I'm on cloud 9 and experience the highest of highs. It feels like she has awoken something in me, like I've been revitalized. She wants me to leave my wife and is prepared to wait.

But I love my children.... my wife thinks everything is fine between us. But my life with her is so grey and dull, we've changed as people and want different things, these days she just wants to plonk herself down in front of the television while I want ''more''. I want to be with this other woman so much but I don't want my wife to stop me from seeing my children, I know how biased the courts are towards mothers.

I feel guilty for cheating on my wife who is completely undeserving of this, she's a good person but the attraction and feelings I have for this other woman are so intense, almost overwhelming at times. Before I met her I didn't believe in the idea of a soul mate or ''the one'', but now I do.

About an hour ago before she headed to bed, my wife gave me a cuddle and I didn't feel anything, I just went through the motions... I know I'm not in love with her anymore, but my children.... I don't know what I'm looking for, I'm just hoping that someone might be able to offer me some constructive advice.

Thank you

PS. No moralising please

dudara

I highly doubt that your attraction to this other woman is anything more than a way of deflecting from your problems at home. This screams more of a mid-life crisis than actual love.

As I read your post, it comes across as highly selfish. Maybe you're not, but I'm not seeing it here. What conversations had you had with your wife about the state of your marriage? Have you spoken , attended counselling etc?

How is your domestic life? How are your two kids? Do they absorb much of your wife's time or your own time?

R.D. aka MR.D

You say you love your kids but unfortunately you weren't able to go about ending your marriage in a healthy way. You've had an affair and it's now very likely that things will get messy between your wife and you. That won't be pleasant for the children.

I don't know what you can do now to lessen the impact that this will have on your children. I imagine if your biggest worry is not seeing them, then contact a solicitor for advice.

Try to do some research on how to make the transition/divorce easier on them. Try to do some damage control. I'd imagine trying to keep relations with your wife as amicable as possible would be a good start.

Oryx

You need to separate the two issues here, your marriage and your affair. The two things together make it difficult to decipher your true feelings about either. The excitement of the new woman throws a harsh light on your 'dull' wife, and the clandestine nature of the affair makes it more thrilling than it would be if it were a normal new relationship.

Right now you probably have blinkers on. You want out, you want this new woman, and thats it. But honestly what you need is to take a step back. Your marriage deserves to be ended properly and civilly, not while you are keeping another woman sweet on the sidelines. It will be nigh on impossible to do anyway. A divorce will put you through a lot of emotion, also keeping up an affair throughout would be nigh on impossible.

If you tell your wife about the new woman, know it will crush her and make everything bitter, you will be the bad guy, your kids will know and may hate you. That's the reality. Other people will see a typical smutty affair, not the love you feel you have found.

And about that love.... you are bored with your marriage. You have small kids, of course its mundane. You still have a choice to look at that one more time and see if it can be improved. Life would be so much simpler if you could. Your new lady will also get to a point where you no longer tear the clothes off each other, real life will kick in. Will you then still feel somethings missing in your life?

I know you're in love. I know that's more important than your wife right now. But that's why I mentioned taking a step back. You need to see that your wife didnt cause this dissatisfaction within you, and the affair doesn't fix it. Sort your own head out before mixing these two women into a messy separation.

tightloop

If your feelings have changed for your wife, for whatever reason, then it's very hard to get those feelings back. You really need to have a conversation and get it all out on the table. Perhaps your wife senses that things aren't quite right either and is doing everything she can to keep your relationship afloat?

You won't know until you talk to each other about it.

Trust me, and anyone, when we say the excitement you're getting from this affair will fade. I'm sure deep down it's also excitement because you're doing something forbidden and frowned upon. When the truth is out there your new partner and you will fall into a routine and what then? Move on to the next one?

Please don't feel like I'm passing judgement as I'm not but these are cold hard facts that you need to look at properly.

whats_my_name

What efforts have you made to ignite the spark into your marriage? What age is the woman you are seeing? Has she any kids of her own? As someone who has come from a broken home as a result of my fathers infidelity I can tell you now, you won't be able to hide the fact that you cheated, your relationship will never be the same with your kids & this relationship will never be accepted by your kids, your own family will be disgusted with you for ruining their relationship with your children.

Ironically the other woman in my father's case soon made the same complaints you have made about your wife. It was a game to her, getting something that was unattainable, soon got bored & met someone her own age & married him. My father is back living with his parents, seen them for a few hours Christmas morning & had a lovely day with my Mam, her partner & my family.

Do yourself, your wife and your kids a favour & work on your marriage.

Ann84

Not to point out the obvious here... But having kids makes life pretty boring in the sense that getting out for a night and having the energy to do so is not easy!!

You say your wife just wants to 'plonk in front of the tv' and your no longer attracted to her, maybe you should TALK to her about this, explain that she may need to get out and exercise a bit or something, and support her to do so instead of spending your time out with your girlfriend...

Marriage is for better or worse etc... Good times and bad... Having small children is probably the hardest time ye will face as a married couple, in a few years you'll find the pressure reduces a lot.
The thing here is you decided to marry your wife, you also decided to have kids with her, you should be focused on sorting this out, now is not the time to be having an affair, now is the time to be getting over yourself and pulling through the work entailed in having small kids. When your kids go to school, revisit it then, at least your wife will have the freedom and time to move on too at that stage...
Finally, on the love of your life.... I knew a guy in your boat, he made a pass at me years ago, same story... Life is boring, small kids, wife on the Internet all the time, sad face!
The only difference was that I told him to jog on despite apparently 'lighting up his life!!!'
Years later I work with him and I still cringe when I see him, he made a move on another girl after me and his wife found out and flipped obviously.
He somehow managed to salvage his marriage but he makes my skin crawl still... I don't believe his wife ever knew the half of his sleezy crap.

The point is, if you want to date, don't be married. Your right, it's not fair on your wife, it's pretty sad for her actually. She sounds like she trusts you... Shivers!!!

PS - you don't want people to moralise fine, how about some basic respect then?

Bubosw

I wonder did your dissatisfaction with your marriage begin before or after your sleazy affair? It seems to me that to justify your cruel actions you need to put the blame at your wife's door and build up your ' love affair' !
You are now thinking of the ramifications re your children? As far as I can see whatever happens next will be filled with bitterness and anger! This of course will impact your relationship with your children , how could it not?

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, you don't love your wife anymore. It happens. Do you love this other girl? Or do you love the thrill and excitement of being with her? Does she love you? If she's out some Saturday night and a gorgeous younger (than you) fella hits on her is she likely to say no? How long is she willing to wait for you? How long is she willing to put her life on hold waiting for you? 6 months? A year? 3 years? How long is she willing to say no to the offer of a real relationship rather than the scraps you can offer her at the moment? She may be full of fun and excitement now, but what happens down the line if she decides she wants kids, and you haven't left your marriage yet?

I'm not going to judge you. People fall out of love. But you are being incredibly unfair on your wife by hanging around and stopping her from getting on with her life away from you. Especially when you are getting on with your life away from her.

You can't have it both ways. You need to pick one and just go for it. If your gf were to get pregnant what would you do? Would you support her, or would you stay with your family? It may seem like a stupid hypothetical question, but I've lost count of the number of threads on here from "the younger woman" who was promised the stars only to be abandoned and ignored once she got pregnant.. Sometimes on purpose to try "persuade" him of what he really wanted.

Edit: By the way, your affair isn't a secret and don't fool yourself that it is. Best you can hope for is someone else doesn't let your wife know before you do.

And keep on mind your romance mightn't be as exciting when you have your kids every Saturday, or overnights. Life with you mightn't seem so exciting for her then... Or maybe she will slip easily into the role. My husband has a child from a previous relationship and it was never a problem.. Although being able to spontaneously head off on a weekend away was never an option for us.

You already know you have to divorce your wife. You don't want to be married, the woman you're seeing doesn't want you to be married, and if your wife knew you were cringing when she initiates things, she'd wouldn't want to be married either.

I don't blame you at all for looking for reasons to justify your actions, we all do it. But frankly, you need to stop lying to yourself that you're keeping this under wraps to protect your children, or because you're scared the court would remove you from their life. The minute you started seeing a woman that wasn't their mother, while still married to their mother, you accepted the fact that you were hurting your kids. You're only human, and you're not the first human to cheat. You've done something selfish, and there's no going back, so you're going to have to own up and deal with the consequences. You'll be in a far better position with the kids if you start to tie things up now, open and honestly, rather than continuing an affair for years and eventually having the whole family find out you've been lying to them. The longer you do nothing (i.e. what you're doing now, staying married and unhappy but still seeing someone else), the easier it will become to "wait", and you'll end up carrying on this affair for years, lying to yourself as well as everyone else.

You're in a relatively secure position right now. You have your cake (wife, kids, reputation), and you're eating it too (carrying on a separate life with someone else). Regardless of your intentions, it's all too easy right now to carry on as you are. But trust me, the longer you try to maintain this security, the worse the fall out will be in the end. You're hurting yourself, you're hurting your kids, you're hurting your wife, and you're hurting the woman that you seem to love. It wont be pleasant, setting things right, but the damage is already done and the longer you wait, the more pain there'll be to dump on your family's plate when it finally does come out.

Xterminator

so much for no moralising eh? anyway. most poster are dismissing your post about loving the new woman. and usually they would be right.

personally i think a lot of people will cost along in broken relationships rather than face a messy breakup etc, and only when another potential partner comes along, only then does the breakup happen, but with infidelity in the mix it gets real messy.

so a couple of pieces of advice. have you tried to 'fix' your marriage? do you owe it to your wife and the mother of your children to attempt to resolve the issues in your marriage?
after the commitment you made getting married and bringing children into the world IMO you should at least try to salvage your relationship.

Of course if you are convinced you love the other woman, entering halfheartedly into counseling etc would be dishonest. So if you have decided to spilt, at least stop seeing your mistress until you have separated properly from your wife. do the decent thing. she may not have your love anymore but surely she deserves respect?

If you love your new mistress, and she loves you, wouldn't she give you the time and space to try to end your marriage with dignity?

Please do the decent thing OP.

ABajaninCork

OP. I'm with the others. However, I'm not going to down you for for your affair. That's a matter between you and your wife.

I don't think you're in love though. You're in lust. Big difference. And you're not thinking with the right part of your anatomy. Let's say you leave your wife and get with Girlfriend. How can you be sure that things won't change between you? Right now, it's naughty, exciting, forbidden. All the things your marriage apparently isn't. You get bored again. What then? And the fallout will be much bigger than the fallout from your marriage. You're getting with someone from work. Not cool, and certainly not smart. Can you imagine the atmosphere if your affair goes to the pictures? You might have to leave or even (God forbid) lose your job. How are you going to support your family then?

And if I were Girlfriend, I'd be running for the hills. If a man was prepared to leave his family FOR me, imagine what he would do TO me. You can't build happiness on someone else's despair.

If I were you, I'd break it off with Girlfriend for a while. Take a break and decide what you really want. If you decide to leave your family, then I suggest you get decent legal advice. That would be the first step.

I wish you luck whatever you decide.

missjm

You're going to have to make a decision before this turns very messy. In the meantime, park the 'affair' as it's quite likely you will be found out. You may think your wife is oblivious, but probably not as much as you think. There's such a thing as women's intuition and trust me, we pick up on things very quickly.
You may think the arrangement you have at the moment is ideal, but this other woman won't want to be the 'other woman' long term.

What you are doing is very hurtful to your family, but I'm sure you're already well aware of that. Whatever decision you make is going to impact on other people's lives so choose wisely.

Penny Tration

You don't want people judging, so this will be short - your current situation is untenable.

You have a few options.

1. Leave your mistress and work on your marriage.

2. Leave your wife and stay with your mistress.

3. Leave your wife and your mistress.

You cannot subject your wife or your children to you staying at home, in an unhappy marriage, with a bit on the side.

Time to sh!t or get off the pot.

LegacyUser

Hi op.
Similar story here.
Fell out of love, no longer fancied husband.
Met someone and started an affair.
What other posters here don't understand is that after the initial attraction, you do then fall in love and it becomes more than just a fling.
We were found out. He managed to save his marriage and kids didnt find out.
Mine did,I left husband as I knew I couldn't bear staying with him for ever more.
And yes,to all posters asking about counselling.Counsellors dont wave a magic wand and make everything ok, it can get ugly and is hard and often doesn't help.

Op, my relationship with my kids is forever changed and I can only blame myself.That's the worst part for me.
Id recommend you take a step away from your affair to consider what you want and need to do.
As someone already said, if your lover really cares she'll understand that your priority is to your children .
And by the way, I don't think its a midlife crisis. We all change over the years, some relationships last, some don't ,some people stay in love forever,some fall out of love -that's ok too.

kylith

If you leave your wife for this woman do you really imagine that in 5 or 10 years you won't be in the exact same position? The spark will have gone, she won't be so pretty and sexy, maybe ye'll have had a couple of kids and she'll have lost her figure, looking after the kids will have her exhausted so she won't have energy for anything other than sitting in front of the telly in the evenings. At the moment maybe you're a silver fox but soon you'll be older, fatter, and balder and she could well take off with someone her own age and you'll be left with nothing.

Have you talked to your wife about wanting 'more'? What is this 'more' you want? Do you even know? Because to me it sounds like you're coming to realise that you're a grown up with a wife and children and life is no longer about having fun and going to the pub, but parent teacher meetings, bills, and ballet classes and you're freaking out about the fact that you don't have the freedom you had when you were younger. But that's what adulthood is about.

titchy

I think you should leave your wife.

Not for you, but for her.

Give your wife the chance to be happy, be it on her own, or with someone new.

I know I would rather be on my own than be with someone who was 'going through the motions' when I fancied a cuddle.
Someone who values her and loves her, a man who wants her as much as you want your new woman.
Just because you see your wife in this light, doesn't mean other men will, let her meet a lovely man who will want her in his bed and his heart, let her be loved and to feel good about herself.

I have to ask the posters who are saying he should work on his marriage.
Maybe his wife won't want to 'work' on this marriage.
It's her marriage too and she has the right to get the hell out of dodge and find happiness for herself and her kids be it in their own or with someone new.

This is no longer just the OPs decision to make, his wife has a right to decide what she wants now.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thank you for all of your replies. This is not lust, maybe I only described her in superficial terms. She is a wonderful person, so kind and understanding, she really is the most beautiful woman that I've ever met between on the inside and on the outside, she is so witty, kind and wonderful, the woman of my dreams basically. I am not naïve nor am I stupid, I can make the distinction between love and lust. There is lust there, she's absolutely stunning but there is also love, the feelings I have for her are very much real and I know she feels the same way about me.


We were in London a few weeks ago(work takes me away quite a lot) and she came with me. It was amazing, we were like any other couple and didn't have to be constantly looking over our shoulders. It was quite intense at times though, it was just overwhelming hearing her say how much she loved me and wanting me to leave my wife. I love her, it's not lust, nor is it a silly school boy crush. I want to be with her so much but I love my children, they mean everything to me.. you can understand the situation that I'm in.

Yes, I can understand how some might think that I'm being selfish, but I suppose we're all selfish when it comes to love. I am reading all the replies and taking in everything.

Thank you

LegacyUser

whats_my_name wrote: »

What efforts have you made to ignite the spark into your marriage? What age is the woman you are seeing? Has she any kids of her own? As someone who has come from a broken home as a result of my fathers infidelity I can tell you now, you won't be able to hide the fact that you cheated, your relationship will never be the same with your kids & this relationship will never be accepted by your kids, your own family will be disgusted with you for ruining their relationship with your children.

Ironically the other woman in my father's case soon made the same complaints you have made about your wife. It was a game to her, getting something that was unattainable, soon got bored & met someone her own age & married him. My father is back living with his parents, seen them for a few hours Christmas morning & had a lovely day with my Mam, her partner & my family.

Do yourself, your wife and your kids a favour & work on your marriage.

The lady I'm seeing is 25, I'm a few years older.

Ann84

Please do your wife a favour and leave her.
You can arrange access to your children through mediation after you separate.

You don't care about your wife one iota so please leave her... I feel so sorry for her and I don't even know her.

I am trying to be practical here, based on you're last post you have no interest in your marriage so please finish it before you humiliate the poor woman any further.

LegacyUser

I agree with other posters in that it doesn't sound like your in love with this other woman but rather are in lust with her offering you everything you think is missing for your marriage.

Have you tired anything to reinvigorate your marriage OP? Maybe you have gone through all the motions and your marriage is dead, it's sad but it happens. People can and do fall out of love but nothing in your post sounds like you've really made any effort. You say you don't know what your looking for but it's pretty clear you've got swept up in your affair and now want strangers on the internet to confirm your choices for you.

If your marriage is dead, it's dead so leave, your doing your kids more harm then good staying. You need to separate your marriage issues from your affair which granted not always easy to do. You need to separate and work on how you will divide your time with your children with your [ex] wife and focus on that first.

Regarding the affair have you actually spoken to this woman about what happens if you leave your wife? Are you both caught up in the excitement you haven't really thought things through. You say she said she'll wait for you but does she know you comes with kids? It's easy to get caught up at the start of a relationship, especially when there's the added thrill of it being taboo but then the realities hit in, are you going to move out of your family and home and straight in with this woman or are you going to date? When do you introduce her to your kids? Is this going to effect your work situation once you go public with the relationship? She's younger, how much younger OP? Young enough that she's not going to want to play step mom to your kids? You say your alive and excited when with this woman but do you actually do things together other then have sex? have you gone out for dates, spent time together that didn't involve sex? Are you in lust with this woman or in lust with the idea of this woman not being your 'boring' wife?

I've been the child in this situation, parent left due to an affair but once the thrill of the affair wore off and the reality hit in the other person did not want anything to do with myself or my siblings and made things very difficult for us to see our dad and then quickly left him as they didn't want to deal with his existing kids nor have more kids with him. Think about that OP, there is no way for everyone to win in this situation. If this woman really does love you and you her, and she really does say she'll wait for you then stop seeing her, sort your separation out and your relationship with your kids and then consider dating her.

Penny Tration

needadvice101 wrote: »

OP here,

<SNIP>

I understand your frustration, but you can't have both. You can't have the marriage and full time dad gig, with another woman on the side.

You need to man up and make a decision. Seek legal advice about your kids and assets, then make your decision about which woman you want.

Ann84

What about what his wife wants?!?

I'm sorry by the OP said people change, and he has said he has changed...
I'm pretty sure if his wife got the opportunity to know the man she is married to she may have an opinion as to whether she would choose him!!

Stavro Mueller

The problem is that things can't continue as they are. If you and her are in love, she's not going to wait around indefinitely for you. Coming second best is part of the deal when you become someone's mistress. Put yourself in her shoes. She can't just go out with you to any old place because there's a risk that the pair of you will be spotted by someone you know. Meeting up has to be scheduled around your family and she'll have to get used to dates being broken at short notice. Why should she wait around for you? What do you have to offer her if you won't leave your wife?

If you get found out, events are going to take on a momentum of their own. It's going to affect your relationship with your kids whether you like it or not. Really, you have two choices and neither of them are the one you want
(i) Split from your wife, don't tell her about the other woman, sort custody arrangements and keep things as civil as possible
(ii) Split from your mistress and stay married.

bp

Quick thing to think about - is she, at 25, ready to be a step mother? Give up weekends with you as you have your kids? Just really think this through - she may not realise what it is to be a mother to someone else's kids. She will be second fiddle, and your ex-wife and kids will interrupt plans etc

Really think about this. Also for your wife's sake and the kids - I have half siblings (their mother cheated) and it has affected them all. My mam is a great step-mother but it was difficult raising teens and her own too

LegacyUser

Alright... Well let's go with her being "the one".
What's going to happen with your kids?
While you're off gallivanting with this young woman for work your wife is taking care of your kids at home.

What happens if your wife says "fine leave you can have 50% custody " what's your plan then?
Or if she says "**** this" and leaves YOU and the house and the kids and only takes them overnight every other weekend if she feels like it while paying a pittance of maintenance?
Have you thought about this, have you discussed the reality of that with your "girl friend "
Or what if you get the kids every weekend will your girlfriend soon get tired of having to share your attention those days after working all week?
Even if it all goes to plan for you and your poor faithful wife continues to look after your kids alone while you do what you like what about the financials? Where will you live? Will there be room for the children? Do you still have a mortgage to pay? Will the family home need to be sold? How much maintenance?
Will your girlfriend like your children and vice versa? what's your plan long term here?

StormWarrior

You two are happy to see each other behind your wife's back so clearly neither of you is trustworthy. If you and this woman get together officially, do you not think that this might affect your relationship? Each of you may end up paranoid that the other is cheating.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it is now obvious that your marriage is over. It's just your wife isn't fully aware of that yet. She probably has an inkling though. At least you are conscious of the fact that you are bring selfish. Which is fine, for a while. But you do realise the time will come when you have to make the hard decisions and announcements. She's a 25 year old girl who has to keep her bf a secret. She can't bring you out at weekends to meet her friends, or bring you home to meet her family. She can't meet any of your family or friends.

Relationships break down all the time. It's not nice, but it's not the end of the world either. You are being cowardly using your kids as a reason for you to not stand up and make the tough decisions. You said your wife is a wonderful mother. I'm a wonderful mother.. I would be devastated if my husband left me, but I would get over it. And I would never use our children as a weapon against him. If your wife loves your children as much as I imagine she does, she will be heartbroken but she will sacrifice her own feelings about you to make sure this is easy for the kids.

If you do this right things can be reasonably civil between you and your wife. Do it wrong and you will destroy your relationship with everyone.

Oryx

If she is pressuring you to leave your wife she is not the woman of your dreams. That is your decision, not hers to make.

If she is all that, then ask her to wait. Stop seeing her and work on your amicable split from your wife. If this new lady is all you think she is, and loves you the way you say, she will be there when you are ready.

I read every word you said. I know in your heart you mean it. But understand you still sound like every dull fool does while in the initial throes of an affair. You cant imagine anything like how you feel now. Elated, special, happy. But trust me, it wont be like that all the time. You have painful days ahead, one way or the other. Be ready for that

Rubberchikken

maybe you don't love your wife anymore, but tbh she deserves some honesty.
if she's to start the new year a single parent then at least she'll know where she stands. at the moment she's raising your young kids and trying to be a wife to you.

it's all well and good for a single girl to be made up, and available for whatever when she hasn't given birth to and shleped around after two young kids each day.
it's also easy for her to ask you to leave your wife.

i realise your kids are important to you, but while they are young now and don't understand, someday they will and it may change, forever, what they think of you or whether they want to have anything to do with you.

if you don't want their lives, and your involvement with them destroyed, please talk to your wife. be honest with her and above all, be kind.

and bear in mind, this love of your life may be in love with you now. what are the chances that will always stay like that?

whats_my_name

needadvice101 wrote: »

The lady I'm seeing is 25, I'm a few years older.

Sorry if I came across as quite harsh, it's quite close to home & the hatred I have for my father over the affair is seeping through but your going to receive a lot worse from your own children, family & friends so you should be able to take it on the chin from a stranger!

London isn't a million miles away from home, you wouldn't know who may have possibly seen you, I have never gone anywhere & not got recognised & thats been further afield than London.

You seem to have your mind made up, I just hope you don't live to regret it once the honeymoon phase & reality hits home for this 25 year old girl. Your wife deserves better.

By the way, people talk, it's probably common knowledge amongst plenty of people in your locality, please be mindful of that & try to have some respect for your wife & children.

LegacyUser

kylith wrote: »

If you leave your wife for this woman do you really imagine that in 5 or 10 years you won't be in the exact same position? The spark will have gone, she won't be so pretty and sexy, maybe ye'll have had a couple of kids and she'll have lost her figure, looking after the kids will have her exhausted so she won't have energy for anything other than sitting in front of the telly in the evenings. At the moment maybe you're a silver fox but soon you'll be older, fatter, and balder and she could well take off with someone her own age and you'll be left with nothing.

That might not happen.The man I had affair with is late 40s and fitter than most men half his age, not everything about attraction boils down to looks.Not every husband /wife gains weight,becomes unattractive with age-some of us older people are still attractive and still have energy.
For what it's worth,my ex husband was better looking than my lover, but I was no longer attracted to husband.Sometimes, you don't plan these things, you just change how you feel about someone.

Op,it's not the end of the world. As I said already, if this woman is worth it, she'll understand you come with children. It won't be easy, but you've got to be honest or that dishonesty will eventually wear you away.Trust me, I'm speaking from experience.

Stavro Mueller

I think this woman's age will come against you in the end. Not because of the age difference but because of where she is in her life. For example, she's at the age where her friends will be starting to get married. She is going to get fed up of having to turn down wedding invitations or going to them alone because you can't go. What if she wants to have children? Or if she "accidentally" falls pregnant with your child? I can understand why she's pressuring you to leave your wife. She wants to have a relationship that's a bit more like what her friends have. She doesn't want to be sneaking around as some married bloke's bit on the side. As things stand you've got feck all to offer her, do you?

If I was one of her friends I'd be advising her to finish this. Not only is she seeing a married man who doesn't want to leave his wife but there's a lot of baggage there. An ex-wife, kids.... You'd want to be pretty special if she's willing to forego nice single men her own age!

kylith

bp wrote: »

Quick thing to think about - is she, at 25, ready to be a step mother? Give up weekends with you as you have your kids? Just really think this through - she may not realise what it is to be a mother to someone else's kids. She will be second fiddle, and your ex-wife and kids will interrupt plans etc

This is very important. Have you said to her that if you do leave your wife you will have your children most, if not every, weekend? Do you think it would be fair on your kids to leave them with a babysitter the only night you have them so you can go out with your girlfriend? Would your girlfriend be happy to stay in/not see you at the weekend when you have the children? Do you think she would be ok with assuming the role of a mother when you have the kids or do you think she would be inclined to say fck it and go find a guy her own age without baggage? Can she handle the arguments with the kids because she usurped their mum?

This might sound negative, but this is all stuff that you will have to discuss with her if you leave your wife for her, as she wants you to.

I'm starting to think that you should leave your wife if you really don't love her. Wait a decent amount of time (months) before you make your relationship with this other woman known so that your wife won't suffer the embarrassment of everyone knowing you left her for a younger woman, and that would mean keeping her and the kids separate as it would be unfair on them for you to introduce them to your gf before you know if the relationship is likely to have staying power.

I'd be inclined to remember the golden rule though, as should she - if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

mrsbyrne

Your disrespecting your wife and small children by betraying them in this totally sneaky cowardly way. Your even portraying yourself as some kind of martyr for putting up with the frumpy gross character that is the mother of your children when you could be languishing in the arms of the fragrant creature that is your lover.
This fragrant creature is demanding that you destroy the home life of two tiny children but hey, she's so fabulous she makes you cry and that's the main thing.
Tell your wife the truth immediately. Tell her that your a narcissistic spineless immature coward and that your not worthy of your family's love and support.
She and they deserve more than you can give them.

kylith

same boat as you wrote: »

That might not happen.The man I had affair with is late 40s and fitter than most men half his age, not everything about attraction boils down to looks.Not every husband /wife gains weight,becomes unattractive with age-some of us older people are still attractive and still have energy.
For what it's worth,my ex husband was better looking than my lover, but I was no longer attracted to husband.Sometimes, you don't plan these things, you just change how you feel about someone.

Fair point, maybe she'll age like Michelle Pfeifer and he'll age like Sean Connery, but the odds aren't in their favour really. And even if they do age well my point about the fact that every relationship becoming routine still stands. Or he could find himself stuck going clubbing with a bunch of 20 somethings, half of whom think he's a weirdo for hooking up with someone younger (though the OP just says he's 'a few years' I get the feeling that the word 'significantly' could be used because I think if it was only a year or two he'd say that) and longing for the days of lounging on the sofa with his wife.

Mick Murdock

Hi OP,

My brother is in a relationship with a woman similar to your wife. She was 7 years married, two kids, mortgage etc. Long story short, the husband (who I know quite well) left for a younger woman he worked with. She was a couple of years older than the girl you're seeing. That relationship lasted about 18 months and all of a sudden he found himself mid divorce, single, in a custody battle and broke. Like many men he tried to go crawling back to his wife.. She had moved on and told him where to go. Their relationship is amicable at best and I'm not sure the kids are too pleased with him either. In fairness, you sound like a more considerate dad than he ever was, but I'd be making plans for the worst case scenario that your new relationship doesn't last either.

25 would ring a lot of alarm bells for me.


Good luck.

dellas1979

Mick Murdock wrote: »

all of a sudden he found himself mid divorce, single, in a custody battle and broke.

Im kinda torn here on the words of warning for the OP.

He should not be having an affair on his wife who he made vows to (this shows his moral beliefs I think), but nor should he be staying in (for him) a loveless marriage for the sake of children and "out of duty" to his wife.

He made vows, he didnt keep them, he didnt want nor try to fix the marriage. His moral beliefs have outweighed consequence, for a want to feel in love again. The pay off to feeling or being in love again is greater than staying in a marriage where he feels nothing. The consequence to this is anything else after is, unfortunately, collateral damage.

I dont think anyone, OP, would want you to stay in a loveless relationship. We have but one life. But, I think its how youve created the next scenario that is bugging people (and why a "youll get your comeuppance" type comments are coming out).

Tokyo

mrsbyrne - PI is open to all relationship issues, favourable and unfavourable, and while you are entitled to disagree with the OP's perspective, using their situation as an excuse for personal abuse as above will not be tolerated. If you can't post constructively towards the OP's situation, then please don't post at all.

Regards,
Mike

LegacyUser

OP here,

Some have said that this comes across as creepy, I'm still relatively young, 34, my wife is actually older than me. The lady I'm seeing is a 25 year old woman who can make her own decisions. She is fully aware of the implications and she does feel guilty. She is not some temptress that has cast a spell on me and lured me away from my wife, as I said in my first post I had been unhappy for a while before I met her. Again, this is not lust, I am in love with, when I see her my heart skips a beat, I get butterflies in my tummy. We sleep together but it's so much more than that, we've been on numerous dates, we wined and dined together when we were in London and also attended a concert over there.

Before all this I would have frowned upon those who cheat but you know life isn't just black and white, it's also full of different shades and nuances of grey. My love and I are good people, there is no malice intended, we are simply two people in love. Also, I have female friends who are in their twenties, this thing about me being ''creepy'', is something I just don't get. If I was in my 60s, then yes, I would consider myself a creep, but I'm 34, she's 25, how is this ''creepy''?

Anyway, I'm reading all your posts,

Thank you

dellas1979

needadvice101 wrote: »

I had been unhappy for a while before I met her.

That is the time you should have either tried something in the marriage to try make it work, or walk away. But hindsight isnt going to help you now (it might for others reading this in a similar situation).

Ill be honest (I dont mean this in a "why are you on here" way), but am not really sure what advice you are looking for (how to end the marriage?)

ellie1

Is your love willing to be a step mother to your children?

Would she like her own children?

Would you like more children with her?

Have you considered the financial implications of supporting two families?

If your new love wants to sit on the couch and just watch TV, will this be ok?

If your new love decides the responsibility of looking after your children every second weekend or every weekend is not for her, then what happens?

Are you planning on moving in with your new love?

I think that your marriage is over by virtue that you have fallen in love with somebody else. Tell your wife it's over and let her move on.

But be aware yes the grass is sometimes greener, it's lush and fresh and fertile!! It's fun, and exciting and passionate as affairs always are, at the start until babies commitment , bills and reality take over!!!

However , caution is required as once you must of felt passionately about your wife and then what happened?

Maybe you should go for some counselling before moving in or on with your new love as it would be worth investigating if in another seven years of relationship with your new love, the same problem will happen.....

stop animal cruelty

Your poor wife....dothe best thing you could ever do for her, leave. No one deserves to be cheated on, esp in marriage.

dudara

OP - I've read your second and third posts but I am still none the wiser about the state of your relationship with your wife. You haven't mentioned if you've discussed your marriage with her, or how she feels about the state of your relationship. I find it hard to give you any advice as you are not telling us the full picture.

There is a reason that the cliche of the "seven year itch" exists. And right now you appear to fit that stereotype. I don't know how much your wife is aware of these shenanigans, but find ing our that your husband was carousing (wining and dining in London, as I believe you said) would break any woman's heart. She will think "Why didn't he do that with me?". You're not making your situation any more sympathetic to me.

If you really do think your marriage is over, then man up and end it. Seeing another woman during this timeframe is not kind or human to your wife. Removing the rose-tinted glasses might you do some good also.

Oryx

Youre still talking like a lovesick puppy, op. Of course its magical. Its not real! Its a one dimensional romantic dream. If you want her, make the tough decisions so you can have her. The first of which is a long conversation with your wife. Be prepared to hurt.

Penny Tration

Op, do you actually want advice on what to do (which you've been given), or do you want to talk about how much you love your mistress?

All you've said in response to people telling you that you need to make a decision, is how great your bit on the side is.

Ann84

needadvice101 wrote: »

OP here,

Some have said that this comes across as creepy, I'm still relatively young, 34, my wife is actually older than me. The lady I'm seeing is a 25 year old woman who can make her own decisions. She is fully aware of the implications and she does feel guilty. She is not some temptress that has cast a spell on me and lured me away from my wife, as I said in my first post I had been unhappy for a while before I met her. Again, this is not lust, I am in love with, when I see her my heart skips a beat, I get butterflies in my tummy. We sleep together but it's so much more than that, we've been on numerous dates, we wined and dined together when we were in London and also attended a concert over there.

Before all this I would have frowned upon those who cheat but you know life isn't just black and white, it's also full of different shades and nuances of grey. My love and I are good people, there is no malice intended, we are simply two people in love. Also, I have female friends who are in their twenties, this thing about me being ''creepy'', is something I just don't get. If I was in my 60s, then yes, I would consider myself a creep, but I'm 34, she's 25, how is this ''creepy''?

Anyway, I'm reading all your posts,

Thank you

What advice do you want that hasn't already been given OP?

You ignore all questions that have been asked of you in relation to salvaging your marriage, have talked at length of you relationship and seem only interested in defending it against any negative comments.
It does not appear that you are interested in balanced advice and seem only to seek validation, someone to tell you it's wonderful what your doing, but it's not and people here have given you very unbiased and constructive advice on the pitfalls of your affair.

At the end of the day, your wife absolutely deserves better and whatever happens to you and your relationship is not the issue at hand here.

You want to continue your relationship with your girlfriend, no problem. Just let your wife know and be on your merry way, you've been given all the advice that can be given and you just want to keep telling us how wonderful your girlfriend is?!?

LegacyUser

OP I find it interesting the points you've opted to reply to and the ones you've chosen to ignore. You've mentioned several times now how you were unhappy before you started the affair but you haven't mentioned what you tried to do, if anything, to fix things with your marriage. A lot of posters, myself included, don't talk about it being creepy the age gap with this woman but many question exactly where you see it going once the magic of the affair is gone. Do you see a 25 year old wanting to play step mum to two kids? Does she really understand that you don't get to just walk away from your wife and kids? That your wife will always be a part of your life because of the kids?

needadvice101 wrote: »

We sleep together but it's so much more than that, we've been on numerous dates, we wined and dined together when we were in London and also attended a concert over there.

OP I don't disagree that you think your in love. I'm sure it feels all magical and wonderful but what you describe above is not a relationship. A huge part of this whole thing is the fact that it is taboo and your getting a thrill out of being with this woman because you shouldn't be. A business trip to London does not a relationship make, how much wining and dining will you be able for when you've got joint custody of your kids? You can walk away from being a husband but not from being a father so you are never going to be able to be just all wild and care free, you have responsibilities. Of course she is fun and sexy and makes your heart skip a beat....she's 25, single and childless. Very easy to be that way when your responsibilities aren't so limiting.

I'm going to assume that you have tired everything with your marriage and that it is dead. Fine, end the marriage but if you truly do love this woman and she does love you then you should be able to take a step back from each other and wait. You go sort your separation out. Iron out custody of your kids with your wife. Sort your relationship with them out and then start a relationship with this woman but start slow and build to introducing her to your kids. If your plan is to leave your wife and move in with this woman straight away, get ready to have a very unpleasant relationship with your kids.

Big Bag of Chips

OP the one thing I want you to understand is if your marriage is gone stale it is not solely the fault of your wife. What effort did you (both) make once kids arrived to stay interested in each other? I have 4 children, so I know what I'm talking about. It is very very VERY very easy to fall into a rut of staying in, not bothering, too much hassle to make an effort and arrange to go out.

If your marriage is in trouble, you are as much at fault as your wife is. You weren't happy for a while before you started seeing this girl... so what did you do then?

Please - your wife will get over you! You have the chance to be happy. Give her that chance too. I actually think it's disgusting that you are using your children as the reason for keeping everything quiet. As people say these days "own your decisions". If you're really honest the reason you are saying nothing is because you don't want to deal with the fall out. You don't want to tell your wife. You don't want your kids to find out. You don't want to tell your family. You don't want her family to find out. You don't want to become "official" to everyone in work etc.

Yes, you are being selfish. You have small children? How long are you going to stay "for their sake"? 10 years? 15? Will your gf be happy to wait 10 or 15 years until your children are adults? Are you going to delay your wife's life and chance of happiness by another 10 or 15 years, just so you don't have to deal with uncomfortable conversations?

If you love this girl as much as you say you do you would not continue to string her along. Either tell her you have no intention of leaving your wife, and let her decide if she wants to be the bit on the side for ever (or until you get caught) or else leave your wife for her and deal with the fall out.

Ethel

Me me me me me.. You claim to know how selfish you're being, but you don't actually care about your wife or children, or you would have done something about this a long time ago.

You don't want to be judged, you just want some damage control advice really, isn't it? How you drop your wife for new woman, yet get to have as much time as it suits you with your kids. Well you've gone the wrong way about it for sure.

If you want to finally start making moves, and want to know how to go about this, you're going to have to do something selfLESS for once. Try to be humane here. Put yourself in your wife's shoes for a second, and imagine she read all of this. You knowingly freezing her out, wincing when she makes advances.. Then hear you blathering on about how beautiful and perfect this other woman is. Imagine her stomach churning reading about your lovely weekend away. Are you still okay with treating her like this? One thing is for sure, you've no respect for the woman that gave you your children and the years of her life she gave you.

I'm not going to suggest counselling, because personally I believe that is for couples that recognise something has changed and want to work on their marriage. You haven't even had the grace to express this to your wife, and have moved on without giving her a second thought.

So, with your wife's best interests in mind I think you should tell her you are leaving her. I would give things a break with new woman until you live separate lives from your wife and have financial and child access arrangements in place. Spare her the details of "your love", to avoid any further damage to her self confidence. If you think she hasn't noticed you going cold on her, you're wrong.

Oh, and 'beautiful, witty and caring' lady is having an affair with a married man with children. Someone else mentioned rose-tinted glasses, spot on.

ABajaninCork

Methinks the OP wants his cake, eat it and make trifle from it too!

I find it telling that not once has he mentioned how he's going to deal with his wife, and most important of all - HID KIDS!! I don't think he's thought this through at all. Otherwise he wouldn't be posting like a bad Mills and Boon novel.

And as for his bit on the side? If she had any grace, she'd be taking a step back while you sort things out. That includes getting legal advice. If Girlfriend had any sense? She'd be taking off running!! And like I said you can't build happiness on misery...

Frankly, you sound immature and too much like hard work OP.