SO other visited Christmas Day.

Lau2976

My SO popped up on Christmas Day to say Merry Christmas and to drop off a small gift he had bought for my parents.

I was a little annoyed because we had agreed to exchange gifts on Christmas Eve and spend the day with our respective families. But it was sweet that he thought to do it and I didn't think about it after he left.

Today I found out that his kids were annoyed at him for dropping in. He was here for ten minutes before he left and on his merry way home but I can see why their annoyed. I would be annoyed if I felt that my dad had put their new SO before me on any day, let alone christmas.

We had agreed to not really get involved with each other's families too much so I'm trying to be considerate but not meddling. I found out this morning that his daughter is demanding that he not see me until after the new year and that he give her a copy if his will in case I try to change it!

I really don't understand why she thinks I'm trying to steal his money. I have never given her a reason to think I would. I can understand her being nervous but to go this far? I'm not sure what do to. I've said that he should do what he thinks is best but he thinks I should extend an olive branch and give his daughter the opportunity to know me.

Should I ask her out for coffee or stick to what I wanted?

Magenta

Would need a bit more info...
What age is his daughter?
Were you both single when you got together ie did he leave her mother for you etc? That could cause bitterness and anger.

Lau2976

Magenta wrote: »

Would need a bit more info...
What age is his daughter?
Were you both single when you got together ie did he leave her mother for you etc? That could cause bitterness and anger.

She's 31. He's 52 and I'm 24.

We were both single and the only reason she has to hate me is that I'm younger then her father. Or at least the only reason I can see.

bee06

Lau2976 wrote: »

She's 31. He's 52 and I'm 24.

We were both single and the only reason she has to hate me is that I'm younger then her father. Or at least the only reason I can see.

Well to be fair the reason she probably hates you is that you are younger than her! Can you not understand how weird it must be for her!

Magenta

Lau2976 wrote: »

She's 31. He's 52 and I'm 24.

We were both single and the only reason she has to hate me is that I'm younger then her father. Or at least the only reason I can see.

She possibly thinks you're a gold digger... I would suggest trying to kill her with kindness, take her for a coffee or something.... if that doesn't work then not much you can do.
Also, his will is none of her business. He can leave his money to whoever he wants- he can leave it all to a dog shelter if he likes, it's nothing to do with her. She doesn't own him or his money.

bee06

I wouldn't be trying to contact her or makes friends with her. She will see right throught it and it will just enforce any idea she has that you are manipulating her father ... Not saying that is the case of course!

Just live your life, get on with your relationship. Maybe she'll come around to the idea and maybe she won't but trying to force a friendship won't work. Let her come to you if and when she's ready.

Lau2976

bee06 wrote: »

Well to be fair the reason she probably hates you is that you are younger than her! Can you not understand how weird it must be for her!

No I understand completely! It's the reason I don't want to interfere. I want to give his kids time to adjust without me being too in their face.

Lau2976

Magenta wrote: »

She possibly thinks you're a gold digger... I would suggest trying to kill her with kindness, take her for a coffee or something.... if that doesn't work then not much you can do.
Also, his will is none of her business. He can leave his money to whoever he wants- he can leave it all to a dog shelter if he likes, it's nothing to do with her. She doesn't own him or his money.

She's told me and several people she thinks I'm a gold digger. I just don't think she has any basis! But I wanted to give her time to adjust before even considering going out with her alone. Maybe I should see if she'll be willing to go for coffee if I invite her brothers too

Lau2976

bee06 wrote: »

I wouldn't be trying to contact her or makes friends with her. She will see right throught it and it will just enforce any idea she has that you are manipulating her father ... Not saying that is the case of course!

Just live your life, get on with your relationship. Maybe she'll come around to the idea and maybe she won't but trying to force a friendship won't work. Let her come to you if and when she's ready.

That's what I was worried about.

Toots

Lau2976 wrote: »

She's told me and several people she thinks I'm a gold digger. I just don't think she has any basis! But I wanted to give her time to adjust before even considering going out with her alone. Maybe I should see if she'll be willing to go for coffee if I invite her brothers too

No offense, but that sounds like it would just be horribly awkward for all concerned. How long are you going out with your other half?

I think as regards 'extending an olive branch' the best thing you can do is let things progress at a slow pace with his kids. Forced meetings like coffee and stuff could blow up in your face, and I definitely wouldn't recommend inviting the daughter plus the brothers out for coffee together, that could end up with them all ganging up on you, which would obviously be really upsetting. Honestly, I can see why she's not thrilled about your relationship - if my dad started going out with someone who was younger than his kids I'd be freaked out, and yes, I'd probably be wondering why a 24 year old was going out with my dad.

When it comes to his will, she has no right to demand a copy of it, and even if he does give it to her, there's no law saying he's never allowed to change it. If there's concern in that area, the best thing your OH can do is have a solicitor look over the will and make sure it's drawn up, signed, and witnessed properly.

cactusgal

Toots wrote: »

Honestly, I can see why she's not thrilled about your relationship - if my dad started going out with someone who was younger than his kids I'd be freaked out, and yes, I'd probably be wondering why a 24 year old was going out with my dad.

I've got to agree with this, too. Sorry.

qt3.14

I wouldn't try to force the issue. Going for coffee is something you usually do with people you like.
Might want to consider resigning yourself mentally to maybe never getting on her good side. If you're constantly trying to secure her approval you might end up with nothing but a lot of wasted time. Besides, the best way to do it is probably just to treat her father well, which you seem to have every intention of.

dixiefly

Firstly, does SO mean significant other? Are you saying that you and her dad are serious and see this as a long term relationship? That would be a pretty significant step as ye are definitely at different life stages.

Regarding gold digging, is he actually wealthy? Many 52 yr olds or similar are not particularly wealthy so age difference does not necessarily mean he has more money (perhaps more money that your average 20 something tho)

Have you met her or does she know you independent of you meeting her dad? Is her mum in the picture? These are factors in any relationship like this but much more significant in getting a relationship with such an age gap to work.

In my opinion I cannot see how such an age gap can be surmounted to everyone's satisfaction / agreement but in the end it is a relationship between the two of you and if you are sufficiently committed to each other then you could possibly make it work. If you demonstrate that committment in an honest loving way then she might be converted and accept you more.

Penny Tration

Didn't you only post here very recently about him asking you out?

If so - no wonder she's upset! It's a new relationship, and you're 7 years younger than her!

Give her a bit of time. From what I remember of your first post, you and he can't be an item more than 3 months or so. Do you really expect his family to like you already, when you're younger than his kids are?

StormWarrior

The fact that you agreed not to get involved with each other's families much says to me that he doesn't see this as serious or long-term. If you've been together only a short while and this isn't very serious then you can see why his kids are upset about him dropping in on you for Christmas. Even you were annoyed about it. Is that because you didn't want him to be seen by your family? I get the impression each of you is a bit embarrassed by the other, maybe because of the age difference. It seems to me this relationship is just causing aggro for everyone, even you. I don't think that you should invite the kids out for a drink, I think you should just stay away from them, after all you agreed to not have much to do with his family. The daughter being concerned about her father's money is none of your business, that's between them and I don't think you should bring it up. Why would the daughter want to meet up with or talk about her father's finances with someone she probably sees as (not trying to be mean here) a silly young temporary bimbo?

Meauldsegosha

OP it's only about a month ago you posted here looking for advice on whether you should date this man or not. You have to give his children time to adjust to your relationship. They probably don't even consider you and their dad are in a relationship as you have only been dating a month or so.

I wouldn't be asking any of his children to coffee just yet. You also have to face the possibility that his children will never accept or be comfortable with your relationship.

Tokyo

I remember your previous thread on this too OP, it's only been a month since this man asked you out, so of course there's going to be an adjustment period for all involved. Your partner's children aren't annoyed that their father put someone else before them on Christmas day - they're annoyed that the dad put the 24 year old he's just started dating in front of them for ten minutes on Christmas day. And they have had very little time to get used to this idea.

It's a new relationship, with circumstances of age that would make many adult children concerned. If my dad started seeing somebody in their early 20's, I would be considering the possible motives too, until I had a chance to see that it wasn't the case. And something you posted in your previous thread stood out to me - "I don't want to be their friend, I don't care if they like me but it upsets there dad". But like it or not, you DO need to make an effort with his children - they are an important part of their life and they have the right to express their concern, even if the daughter is being admittedly overdramatic with her requests. Make the effort to show them that you are in this for the right reasons rather than taking the "you can take it or leave it" stance that the above quote implied, and things will hopefully get much better.

Penny Tration

Can I just add, OP, that I'm a similar age to you, but if my dad started dating someone my age (my dad is also 52), I'd think some pretty awful things about her, for quite a while. I sure as hell wouldn't warm up to her in a month. I wouldn't know her in a month! And tbh, that'd go for any woman my dad dates, even someone his age.

You're pushing way too much, too quickly. Please leave his family alone. You cannot force them to like you.

Surely you have to understand why his daughter thinks you're a gold digger? You're not even half his age, of course she's going to wonder what's in it for you, because such a massive age gap is extremely unusual.

Lau2976

Sorry! I didn't mean to make our relationship sound serious. It certainly is not! I just wasn't sure what else to call him. I suppose I don't place a lot of weight on labels.

I agree with the majority of posters here, I don't want to meet her for coffee. I don't want to have anything to do with her at all TBH. Their relationship is none of my business, neither is his finances or will. I just feel like he's trying to make it my business because he thinks, and I have no idea why he thinks this, that if we talk she'll come around to it. I really don't think she will. She has every right not too. It's her dad and I'm not trying to steal him or his cash but in her situation I'm sure most people would feel the same way.

I suppose the real question I need to ask is how to go about telling him I'm not going to try it with her. I've already told him I'm not comfortable with it and it's best if they get to steer clear of me, like I'm sure they want to, but he's still convinced it will work and that she'll suddenly change her mind about all of her awful opinions of me, opinions that I see no issue with. She's an adult who can make up her own mind about how she feels towards someone and I don't think it's fair if her dad to try to change that right now.

I hope he figures out a way to make her happy without sacrificing his own happiness but I really don't think I hold the solution like he thinks I do.his daughter should always come first to him.

ILikeBananas

Lau2976 wrote: »

Sorry! I didn't mean to make our relationship sound serious. It certainly is not!

Then why the hell is he calling around to give your parents a gift on Christmas day?

Lau2976

ILikeBananas wrote: »

Then why the hell is he calling around to give your parents a gift on Christmas day?

It actually had nothing to with me at all, my mam and him voluntter in the same centre and he got her for secret santa.

bee06

Tell him that you aren't going to meet her because you know that it's not going to makes things better, that it will make things worse. Tell him to stop pushing her to be OK with it and that she needs to get there in her own way.

Lau2976

bee06 wrote: »

Tell him that you aren't going to meet her because you know that it's not going to makes things better, that it will make things worse. Tell him to stop pushing her to be OK with it and that she needs to get there in her own way.

Yeah, I think I should just be concise and to the point. Thanks

Penny Tration

I hope you don't mind me saying, but your boyfriend sounds like he's pushing you quite a bit to be serious very soon.

Arriving to your parents' home on Christmas day, trying to make you go out with his daughter who said she doesn't like you - why is it all so serious, so soon?

Do you want it to be a serious relationship this soon? It sounds as though he's very much pushing you to go down that route.

Big Bag of Chips

Your "bf" sounds quite immature for a 52 year old man. His daughter isn't a child, although she's behaving like one. He can't organise a trip to the zoo for you all to meet each other and become friends. Did the other people give their secret Santa gifts on Christmas Day? Or did they wait until they saw the person?

His daughter doesn't like you. She may never like you. Do not invite her out for coffee. You are barely even a couple at this stage. You could go your separate ways by the end of January! She is not a part of your relationship. She doesn't live with you. Does she live with him? It would be nice of course if she liked you, but you don't need her approval. And handing her the power to accept you or not is not going to work out well.

Honestly, your "bf" needs to grow up. He handles his daughter. He tells her to back of. He reassures her that he is not replacing her. He doesn't disappear into the background sending the two of you off to coffee to sort it out amongst yourselves.

dellas1979

Lau2976 wrote: »

She's an adult who can make up her own mind about how she feels towards someone

Lookit, by society standards (and obviously hers), you are not in a "normal" relationship. That is how it is going to be viewed. (im of the view "what in the heck is normal", but Im not all society).

The gold digger part, she cant see what the pay off is for you to be in a relationship with a man twice your age. Sounds like she is one of these people who would laugh at so and so getting it on with an older man. But now that reality is hers. Therefore, the pay off must be that you are only into him because of money (which you are adamant isnt the case).

All you can do is sit tight, and suck up what is being thrown at you at the moment. Keep your dignity. And some day, it will come right. But it will take time. If you keep your head held high, be your nice self, none of mud being thrown will stick.

tinkerbell

I don't think his children will ever like you. In fact if I was the daughter, I would hate you and think you're nothing more than a golddigger. Each to their own but I find the whole thing a bit creepy. There is no point with this olive branch rubbish. You're wasting your time. I find it weird that he called to your parents house on Christmas day under the guise of this Secret Santa pressie. What does your mother make of all this? A man presumably the same age as her is volunteering with her and is now dating her 24 year old daughter.

Anyway, these are probably all the things his daughter is thinking about also. Leave his kids alone.

eviltwin

Stay out of it OP. His daughter is his problem. Its not personal as she would probably feel the same way about anyone so let him deal with it. Its his responsibility.

I can understand its hard for her and she is probably right to be a bit suspicious of your motives but hopefully in time she can learn to respect your relationship. I don't think your age gap matters, its none of anyone's business and if you are happy then the best of luck to you. You're both adults and entitled to date who you want without third parties judging you. Don't get involved and don't let her come between you both. I hope she comes round.

suicide_circus

Getting an xmas gift for the parents of someone you're seeing a month would strike me as a bit intense. Sounds to me like he can't believe his own good luck and is trying to cement this thing asap.
I remember your thread about dating this man. To be honest the issue with the daughter sounds like a very predictable pitfall associated with seeing a man twice your age. Is he well off? If this were my father I would assume the worst about you tbh, the age gap is enormous.
The fact that you seem to be sense checking every aspect of this relationship with strangers on the Internet would also set off alarm bells for me.

Mick Murdock

Lau2976 wrote: »

It actually had nothing to with me at all, my mam and him voluntter in the same centre and he got her for secret santa.

Does your mother know about your relationship with this man? It sounds to me like he called over to "see your mother" and drop off a present for her? Sorry if I'm jumping to conclusions but I'd expect a major backlash from your parents against this man if they are not aware that he is dating their 24 yo daughter. Thread very carefully.

Also, I'd get used to a lot a grief if you've began dating a man over twice your age. In most cases it is never ending and comes from all angles.

Stench Blossoms

OP my dad has a girlfriend who's about 10 years younger than him and he's going out with her 9 years. I hate the yoke, I will never like her and that's the way it's always going to be.

Given the huge age difference I think you'll just have to come to terms with the fact that you and his children will never get on.

Stavro Mueller

I've got a couple of friends whose parents are now in second relationships. It's far from the Brady Bunch I can tell you. One friend ended up estranged from her mother for a couple of years over the partner she had. In the other cases, they politely tolerate the partners but that's as far as it goes.

piperh

Honestly I can't understand either the daughters hostilty towards you or his attitude to your relationship with her. The daughter needs to cop on and realise while she may not like you or your relationship with her dad it has absolutely nothing to do with her.

He needs to make it perfectly clear to hr it's his life and he will be in a relationship with you if he so chooses. His money is not hers and she's not entitled to it and it certainly is not her business who is in his will.

You and his offspring may never get on but we are not talking about young children or teenagers here. They are adults with presumably their own lives. He is enabling their behaviour by trying to cojoule them. He needs to sit them down and tell them he loves them and will always be there for them but you are not a negotiable part of his life and its their choice if they want a full and happy relationship or a tense fractured one.

My dad married a girl 2 years older than me when I was just a teen so I very much get the situation of a different to the norm relationship scenario

MagicMarker

Lau2976 wrote: »

It actually had nothing to with me at all, my mam and him voluntter in the same centre and he got her for secret santa.

Ah here, you exchange those gifts in work. Do you seriously think he'd have turned up at your house on Xmas day if you two weren't an item?

I'm also in the creepy camp. I can certainly see why he's in the relationship, that's obvious. Not sure why you're in it though. And if i was in his daughters position I'd be asking myself why my dad is dating a child.

Lau2976

Sorry if I was unclear. My parents know, and he came to see me. He gave her the gift while he was there anyway.

And I really want to make this clear, I do NOT want to try to become friends with her. I want to leave them to their own lives!

Also, I'm 24 so hardly a "child"!

I'm dating him because I like him. That's it.

I also don't mean to come here for what appearntly seems like every part of my relationship. It's simply somewhere to get unbiased opionions.

Typer Monkey

How does his daughter know that he visited you on Christmas Day? Did he tell her? And if so, why did he tell her? If his daughter has such a negative reaction to you then he should just stop telling her about you/his relationship with you. She doesn't need to know the details of his love life surely, especially if your relationship is new. She's not a child and she doesn't necessarily need to have a relationship with you

Toots

Lau2976 wrote: »

Sorry if I was unclear. My parents know, and he came to see me. He gave her the gift while he was there anyway.

And I really want to make this clear, I do NOT want to try to become friends with her. I want to leave them to their own lives!

Also, I'm 24 so hardly a "child"!

I'm dating him because I like him. That's it.

I also don't mean to come here for what appearntly seems like every part of my relationship. It's simply somewhere to get unbiased opionions.

If you're only going out for a few weeks and it's still in the 'dating' stage, then unfortunately you're just going to have to ignore the daughter's views as best you can. TBH regardless of the age, in most cases I've seen where a parent has started a new relationship, the kids are generally not keen on the new partner to begin with, so in this aspect you're not alone.

I'd say the daughter is suspicious that you're a "gold digger" but I reckon underneath that, she's worried that your relationship won't work out and you'll end up hurting her dad. If your boyfriend tries to force you and his daughter to get along, it will just make things worse. It's early days in your relationship, and if things work out between you and your boyfriend then hopefully in time the daughter will see that you don't have an ulterior motive with her dad. However, I don't think she'll ever like you.

Emme

Lau2976 wrote: »

Sorry if I was unclear. My parents know, and he came to see me. He gave her the gift while he was there anyway.

And I really want to make this clear, I do NOT want to try to become friends with her. I want to leave them to their own lives!

Also, I'm 24 so hardly a "child"!

I'm dating him because I like him. That's it.

I also don't mean to come here for what appearntly seems like every part of my relationship. It's simply somewhere to get unbiased opionions.

He's 52.

His daughter is 31.

You're 24.

If you are younger than all his children it is unlikely that they will be happy with you in the short to medium term. I can't say anything about the long term. If his daughter is single she may dislike you even more as she may see her chances of finding someone dimininishing if men her father's age are going for 24 year olds. They may see you and their father as a temporary infatuation on his part and this could be why they were so annoyed about Christmas day.

I would not advise you to meet any of his children or extend the olive branch for the time being. Think about it again this time next year if you are still with this man. Do not allow him to bully or cajole you into meeting his daughter for coffee if you don't want to. He will have to accept that if he is dating a woman younger than his daughter that she may never be happy about it.

You are not a gold digger but if you marry this man and he has no will you will be entitled to more than his children. It is his business what he wants to do with his property but the children may be angry on behalf of their mother, his ex. She may be aggrieved and feel hard done by and now that her ex is dating a 24 year old she will not be happy about it. Naturally she might discuss this with her children.

Also he sounds like he could gradually become more controlling in the future so tread carefully.

Lau2976

Emme wrote: »

Also he sounds like he could gradually become more controlling in the future so tread carefully.

A friend of mine has said that to me, but didn't have time to explain, would you mind explaining why you think that?

The age ago has certainly made me be much more aware of boundaries and control.

Big Bag of Chips

Lau2976 wrote: »

My SO popped up on Christmas Day to say Merry Christmas and to drop off a small gift he had bought for my parents.

I was a little annoyed because we had agreed to exchange gifts on Christmas Eve and spend the day with our respective families.

We had agreed to not really get involved with each other's families too much..... he thinks I should extend an olive branch and give his daughter the opportunity to know me.

Should I ask her out for coffee or stick to what I wanted?

Well here's 2 situations where you have agreed something between you and he has completely gone against what you decided, and now you are questioning yourself and the decisions you have made.

You agreed not to see each other on Christmas Day. He turned up at your house. You agreed to not get too involved in each others' families.. He showed up at your house on Christmas Day, when your family would be sitting around together, and is trying to push you and his daughter together.

He's not listening to you. He's agreeing to things, but then doing his own thing anyway. He sounds immature at best. But, he has children older than you. He has spent his life being their dad and telling them what they can and can't do, being "in control" of them, I suppose you could say. Maybe he finds it hard to take someone so significantly younger than him seriously?

Emme

Lau2976 wrote: »

A friend of mine has said that to me, but didn't have time to explain, would you mind explaining why you think that?

The age ago has certainly made me be much more aware of boundaries and control.

Big Bag of Chips explains it well with regard to Christmas day. He went against what he said about not meeting on Christmas day and not getting involved with your family.

He is pushing you to make peace with his children and I suspect this is for his benefit, not yours. His children are probably giving him hell about dating a 24 year old and he wants this to stop. This also goes against the not getting involved with each other's families rule.

Controlling types sometimes like grand gestures - calling into your house on Christmas day (despite what you agreed earlier) with a gift for your mother is such a gesture.

Controlling types also date women who can be easily manipulated such as a much younger women. You sound like you have lots to say for yourself but you seem to doubt yourself with regard to this man. You were on boards earlier wondering if you should date this man. Now you're here again because he went against something you both agreed for Christmas day.

Controlling types often make their partners doubt themselves and they change the goalposts of a relationship constantly. Your boyfriend seems to be doing this already.

If you're not sure of yourself around this man it is not a good sign.

Shrap

Oh dear. From what I recall, you were well warned in your previous thread.

Lau2976 wrote: »

No I understand completely! It's the reason I don't want to interfere. I want to give his kids time to adjust without me being too in their face.

I can't quite describe how condescending this sounds, even though I know you really don't mean it to be and you come across as a straightforward and nice person. But this. Kids? Really? They're older than you hon. And they don't have to adjust. You do.

Lau2976 wrote: »

Also, I'm 24 so hardly a "child"!

You are somewhat closer to being a child than his daughter is. Harsh, but true.

Shrap

Lau2976 wrote: »

A friend of mine has said that to me, but didn't have time to explain, would you mind explaining why you think that?

The age ago has certainly made me be much more aware of boundaries and control.

About the control element - it may not be a conscious thing on his part, but this turning up at your house against your wishes, and flying in the face of reality with thinking you can sort things out with his daughter - to me it speaks of a man who is kidding himself into you being perfect for him. The "perfect" significant other for him would be someone who agrees with his way of handling things, and will be persuaded that he's right. Because he's had so much more experience than you, so he must be right (which is how my ex used to think, so I am biased tbh).

You're up here again knowing that you're uncomfortable that he did the exact opposite of what you had decided for your Christmas day because he knew better than you. Despite your feelings on leaving his family out of your relationship, he knows better than you.

Here is a post from your last thread that you could maybe use as a checklist OP, but FFS don't do what I did and actually begin to think he does know better than you. One kid together, three messed around kids between us, a sh1tty relationship and a horrendous separation later, I second this post totally.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=93083400&postcount=14

Shrap

Lau2976 wrote: »

I found out this morning that his daughter is demanding that he not see me until after the new year and that he give her a copy if his will in case I try to change it!

I really don't understand why she thinks I'm trying to steal his money. I have never given her a reason to think I would.

This part is standing out for me Lau. I'm now wondering what exactly your SO has said to his daughter that would make her freak out like that. It seems to me that your SO has some idealistic notions of how your relationship is going to play out - so idealistic, that your thoughts on the subject are actually being overridden (as you can see from how he is acting). I wonder is he communicating his idealistic fantasies about your future together to his daughter? Perhaps there's an element of him going WAAY overboard in what he's saying to her, ie. "I want you to accept her as part of the family" for instance, but what if he's said "One day we might have children together"??? Cue "OMG, Dad's losing it completely. Time to freak out.".

I really think you should get to the bottom of this. And be wary of any "Don't worry your pretty little head about it, I have a plan" stuff. You are in danger of being the starring role in his idealistic fantasy, so stay strong. Or, I could be completely wrong, but .....there's a big "but" here.

Penny Tration

I'm with Shrap on this one.

You aren't dating very long at all, so I'm wondering firstly, why he even told his children yet about you, but more importantly - how serious a relationship has he said it is to his kids, to have them thinking that?

I'll refer back to my last post on this thread and say - it sounds like he's forcing a serious relationship on you.

Lau2976

I've taken the last few days to consider it and have decided to end our relationship. I've never been so unsure in a relationship and I thought I could rationalize it with the age ago but I'm just not comfortable.

I can't say if he was looking for someone to control or not but disregarding what we had agreed upset me. And then to ignore me again with this matter with his daughter frustrated me. I do really like him but unfortunately I think many boardsies were right and, somewhat ironically, I think he was just too immature for me.

cactusgal

I admire your ability to make a decision and go for it. I admit it, my feelings toward your situation (I read both of your threads) were coloured by my own negative experience with an older man. When I was 23, I got involved with someone 14 years older. I was crazy about him, but he ultimately used his age, power, influence, finances, etc, to emotionally manipulate and (try to) control me. I couldn't admit to it at the time, and I lost many years of my youth to that guy.

I wish I had been like you, open to questioning the relationship before getting too involved.

I'm sure there are many age gap relationships that are successful, but I am extremely skeptical of much older men who go out with young-20s women. I can't help it!

Lau2976

cactusgal wrote: »

<Snip>

Thank you. I'm sorry about the situation you were in and I think your skepticism is very understandable!

I'm not willing to lose myself for anyone and unfortunately that's how I felt our relationship was going to be.

cactusgal

Thanks It's fine now, it was a long time ago and I learned from it in the end! Good luck and take care of yourself x

Shrap

Lau2976 wrote: »

I'm not willing to lose myself for anyone and unfortunately that's how I felt our relationship was going to be.

Jaysus, I wish I'd had your insight and strength at your age!

Lau2976 wrote: »

somewhat ironically, I think he was just too immature for me.

I hope you're not hurting too bad, but even if you are - better sooner than later. You've touched on something here that I've been going over in my mind about older men and younger women. Anyone of any age is capable of blind immaturity at any stage really, but from what I've seen (and experienced) of these age gap relationships, a theme for older men seems to be the way they can see a much younger woman as providing a chance at redemption or something.

It's like they meet a woman who is young enough to "start again" with, as if you can throw off the fact you have a few exes and some adult children under the belt. The companionship of a young woman of child-bearing age (who could enjoy the benefits of their longer life experience) can turn their heads to the extent that the fantasy takes over and becomes a bit overwhelming for all concerned, often at the expense of the young woman's ambitions.

Naturally, this fantasy is something that older women aren't often seen to fall for after 40ish, as the notion of starting again (fertility issues, health risks with pregnancies, 20 years of child care) is much less appealing. I'm not sure your man was even thinking along those lines, but the signs were all there from what you've described.

Hope you're ok.

Wompa1

Get out of the relationship.. It's new and you're on here with all kinds of concerns and issues. This is meant to be the easy and fun part of it. It's only going to get worse