I spent much more on him

Kauto0709

So this Christmas I saved up and got my boyfriend a new laptop for €279 aswell as a few random bits and bobs (a teddy, a shaving set and some some socks), all in all I spent over €300. So Christmas morning came yesterday and we opened our presents. He got me perfume and a CD.

Now this may make me sound like a horrible person but I checked the price of the perfume afterwards on the internet and it retails at €21 in most shops. The CD is a Nathan Carter CD so not too expensive I'd imagine.

A part of me feels like a horrible person for even thinking about the money side of it but I can't help feeling disappointed. I didn't expect him to spend as much as me, I knew I was spending a lot on the laptop but I would have thought he would spend at least around the €100 mark. I was hoping for some nice jewelry (which I had dropped a fair few hints for and he knows I love jewelry).

Just to give a bit of background, we are together about a year and are expecting a baby in March. He has a good job and a good social life and would not be particularly stuck for money.

Am I just being awful even giving this a second thought? I know money is not important, I guess I feel more disappointed at the lack of effort

Macha

Kauto0709 wrote: »

So this Christmas I saved up and got my boyfriend a new laptop for €279 aswell as a few random bits and bobs (a teddy, a shaving set and some some socks), all in all I spent over €300. So Christmas morning came yesterday and we opened our presents. He got me perfume and a CD.

Now this may make me sound like a horrible person but I checked the price of the perfume afterwards on the internet and it retails at €21 in most shops. The CD is a Nathan Carter CD so not too expensive I'd imagine.

A part of me feels like a horrible person for even thinking about the money side of it but I can't help feeling disappointed. I didn't expect him to spend as much as me, I knew I was spending a lot on the laptop but I would have thought he would spend at least around the €100 mark. I was hoping for some nice jewelry (which I had dropped a fair few hints for and he knows I love jewelry).

Just to give a bit of background, we are together about a year and are expecting a baby in March. He has a good job and a good social life and would not be particularly stuck for money.

Am I just being awful even giving this a second thought? I know money is not important, I guess I feel more disappointed at the lack of effort

You shouldn't measure his love in euros but the thoughtfulness of his gift. It sounds like the gift he bought you want as thoughtful as it could have been.

But €300 is silly money to spend on Christmas gifts, especially with a baby on the way but maybe that's just me.

mazdaminx

You have the gift of a baby and a significant other half, anything else should pale into insignificance. Be grateful, some people don't get pressies :-)

Tokyo

This might not be what you want to hear, but in my opinion, buying presents in the price range of a laptop is somewhat foolish, without discussing a budget for gifts for each other first, especially with a new arrival on the way. It's quite possible that he feels like an absolute dick too, opening up a laptop that he wasn't expecting, and knowing in his head he'd spent a fraction of that himself. In future, perhaps set yourselves a price limit beforehand, in order to avoid disappointment.

dinneenp

He must be aware of the gulf in prices of the presents. But if it was the first Xmas then he had nothing to gauge it on. Sounds like you have to mention it, otherwise it'll fester.

0ph0rce0

We don't get hints. We really don't. next time just say what you want and then anything else is a bonus

asteroids over berlin

why not ask eeach other and give a budget? works well

Lia_lia

That's why me and my OH always set a budget. We sometimes go over it a bit, but at least neither of us will be mortified at spending a lot less/more

To me €300 is way too much, especially with a baby on the way! He was probably thinking the same.

dharma200

sort this out before baby arrives. This kind of niggling thing can screw entire relationships.. 300 euro is ridiculous anyway.. try to have an honest chat with him about your feelings... to be honest if you are only a year in, and pregnant, and posting here for advice, it doesnt look too good.. talk with him about it....

woodchuck

How was he to know you were going to spend so much on a Christmas present? Sounds like he spent a reasonable/normal amount to me, considering he had no idea that you were going to spend that much on him. And as there's a baby on the way, he may consider it frivolous to spend too much money on presents just for the sake of it.

shakencat

I feel Its the same when it comes to Santa,

Does Santa like certain children more because they receive iPads/Bikes/Phones?
Have they been particularly good?

Are the children who receive socks/mugs/a teddy less liked?
Have they been bold?

I feel christmas has turned into a competition of showing how much money you can spend - rather than time spent with one another.

RacoonQueen

I must be the only one who doesn't think €300 is too much to spend on a present even with a baby on the way (none of us know your budget so thats a pretty random judgement to make). I LOVE buying presents for people and what the spend on me means nothing. I would happily get nothing for Christmas and just sit there giving presents out. Seeing everyones reactions to what I got them yesterday made my day. My brothers and sister were trying to turn this into a 'we don't buy presents for each other' year but not getting presents for people would have ruined my day so I objected and told them not to buy me anything but I wanted to buy presents.
I can understand your disappointment but like an earlier poster I don't think you have a problem with the cost but more with the thoughtfulness of the gift. I would hazard a guess that you may be like me and buying and giving gifts is a real thrill for you and you put a fair bit of thought into what you got him so the disappointment comes from the fact he didn't put much thought into what you might really want. To be honest, I wouldn't mention it myself and would try to just let it go. I would say he already feels guilty about it. I'd hate to set a budget with a boyfriend for presents..I set one for myself this year for my dad and ended up spending nearly 3 times that. Don't have the discipline for that! :pac:

akamossy

Why is 300 too much? I spent more than that on my boyfriend because like racoonqueen I love giving gifts more than getting them. I don't know what's with all the snap judgments on this girl just because she spent more than you deem acceptable. Everyone is different. As stated her issue is with the thoughtlessness of the gift and not just the money. I'd say my boyfriend spent a little less on me but every gift he gave me real thought went into them. I don't think she's wrong to feel upset not much thought went into it. If it was an issue of money I'd tell her she's being silly but she has said it's not just the money.

hattoncracker

I've been where you are, the first Xmas me and my ex were together, he bought me a tshirt from his own online shop. My birthday is 3 days after Xmas and he told me I could have an Xmas or a birthday present but not both.

On valentines, I travelled across the country to see him, and he knew I was getting him a card and a small gift. I got nothing, no card, nothing.

I tried not to be hurt by it, but it did sting. I'm not materialistic. But a card or even a gesture would have been nice.


Then that lack of effort started to spill into other aspects of our relationship. Didn't shower often, never took me out anywhere, wouldn't go on double dates with me, would half commit to something and then leave me going out alone to a function and have to explain why he wasn't with me.


The last Christmas we were together, he had a friend getting married Christmas week. I went to a huge effort to get the day off to go with him, left myself with no time off over Xmas.

He got me nothing (again) for Xmas and got me a laser fat and hair removal voucher for my birthday (which wasn't asked for) that he got on Groupon on Christmas eve. He was supposed to be paying for a cake for me for my birthday which id been asking for years for him to get. I got him one every year and he always left it too late to order. He spent all his money on video games and then couldn't afford it, so as the cake was ordered my friend had to pay for it for me.


We split a month later, and when we were having our final argument he told me that he knew that in the situation of the wedding, if it had been my friend and not his, there was no way he would have made the effort I had to go with me.

If this lack of effort starts to spill into other aspects of your relationship, leave. You will end up with two kids to look after.

December2012

If you're togetger just a year then this was probably your first Christmas, and certainly the first one since you got serious and are expecting a baby.

You don't have the right to feel hurt.

But you should use this as an opportunity to discuss finances and practical realities and improving your communication

eviltwin

I spent more on my husband this year, a lot more but it's swings and roundabouts. Next year he might spend more than me. His gift was a fraction of what I spent but I got what I wanted and I loved seeing his face when he got his gift. You're not together that long so it will probably balance out. Maybe he wanted to be a bit more frugal with the baby on the way. Once he treats you well I would let it go and not take it personally. But if it's playing on your mind there is no harm in letting him know you would like him to make more of an effort.

bee06

Not everyone is gifted at the art of present giving. My OH is amazing at it and frankly I'm rubbish at it partially because he is quite picky and I don't want to get him something which I know he needs but isn't exactly what he would pick. Maybe he spent four hours in the perfume shop smelling every single one to try and get the perfect one?

I think a chat about budget expectations especially for the first Christmas is always a good idea. It prevents misunderstandings like this one.

FactCheck

I don't think it's fair to say you spent too much, we don't know your financial situation and that could be a perfectly sensible amount to spend.

My husband and I get each other what we want, we don't try to match up so we spend perfectly equally. Some years one of us far outspends the other. Last year I'm pretty sure he spent far more on me, he only wanted a FitBit Flex which isn't very expensive (but I had to arrange getting it from the US which took a lot of coordination!). This year I spent more but I'm not sure by how much. On the other hand some years we hardly want anything. For my last birthday I only wanted theatre tickets!

But I think it's made a lot easier by the fact that I am NOT one for surprises. I like to choose what I'm getting and issue careful instructions. I don't enjoy surprises at all. My husband is different, he likes to be surprised and I don't mind surprising him, it's being the surprise recipient I don't like! So there is an element of openness there I guess, we always know exactly what I want. Though he usually says something himself too.

We both like technology so you really have to be specific there. There is nothing worse than spending hundreds on something and it's the wrong fecking specs.

Arciphel

The big question here remains unanswered OP - was the Nathan Carter CD any good?

Littlekittylou

Kauto0709 wrote: »

So this Christmas I saved up and got my boyfriend a new laptop for €279 aswell as a few random bits and bobs (a teddy, a shaving set and some some socks), all in all I spent over €300. So Christmas morning came yesterday and we opened our presents. He got me perfume and a CD.

Now this may make me sound like a horrible person but I checked the price of the perfume afterwards on the internet and it retails at €21 in most shops. The CD is a Nathan Carter CD so not too expensive I'd imagine.

A part of me feels like a horrible person for even thinking about the money side of it but I can't help feeling disappointed. I didn't expect him to spend as much as me, I knew I was spending a lot on the laptop but I would have thought he would spend at least around the €100 mark. I was hoping for some nice jewelry (which I had dropped a fair few hints for and he knows I love jewelry).

Just to give a bit of background, we are together about a year and are expecting a baby in March. He has a good job and a good social life and would not be particularly stuck for money.

Am I just being awful even giving this a second thought? I know money is not important, I guess I feel more disappointed at the lack of effort

I think you should have had an agreed budget.

I was with one guy who never bought me a Christmas present or a birthday present. His dad felt so bad about it got me a present. In fairness the guy was quite stuck for money though. But he was a terrible person in other ways. In fact he was a violent psycho.

Another ex got me a joke present for valentines. And fair enough I would have preferred something more romantic. But in other ways he was a really good guy. Just not great with presents but a lovely person. He is married now and we are still friends.

I agree with what the other posters say. If this is a stand alone issue then leave it. If it is spilling over into the relationship you have an issue.

I'd be more upset by the Nathan carter cd tbh

Best wishes for march!

ixus

The issue is communication. Is yours good enough. Is his understanding of what you want/need good enough. Price is irrelevant.

You need to fix this. Probably from your side.

There's too many metro lads out there these days ruining our black & white gig.

Ave Sodalis

OP, it's really just down to values. Myself and my boyfriend have been together a year too and I honestly wouldn't care if he bought me something out of Dealz for Christmas, as long as there was some thought put into it and it's something I'd like or find amusing or useful. As it happens, neither of us spent over thirty euro on each other but both of us got presents we loved. That too me, is all that matters. I'd be more concerned if he spent €50 on some fancy nail polish, than if he went into Lidl and bought me Kinder Chocolate and a packet of Apple Loops. The reason being that I never wear nail polish or anything like that but I've a soft spot for those sweets!

If it were me, I'd pay less attention to the fact there was an uneven amount spent. That's just a complete communication failure on both your parts. I'd focus more on whether you actually like the present he gave you or not.

Hooked

I'm sorry... In my opinion a lot of you are being too hard on the OP and making excuses for her partner.

I'm a bloke... And see a 20 euro bottle of perfume and a CD as piss poor presents. Especially for someone who's pregnant, due in March and where the relationship is new. As the poster above points out, it's about the thought behind the gifts!

As for the whole 'men don't get hints'? Stop making excuses. Of course we do. Those who care enough - pay attention.

Maybe I'm just from the school of romance, but my gifts this year had a lot of thought and effort in them. And came in at just under 300 euro. Price had more to do with flights, tickets, etc, to a gig for her favourite singer than spending X amount of money on her.

OP is well within her rights to feel annoyed at what she received. As others have said... Maybe a sit down and a chat are in order. IMO This is more about how the OP is viewed (in her mind) by her partner, within the relationship, than about the gifts themselves or the cost of same.

Kauto0709

Thanks everybody for your comments.

First of all I don't think it fair to imply that it was silly of me to spend that money on my partner when we have a baby on the way...the money I chose to spend on my partner did not take in any way from the baby who is of course my number 1 priority, there is plenty of money put aside for her so really I don't feel the comments along those lines were justified.

Now, like I said in the original post it is not about the money, it is about the thought or lack thereof. I wanted to get him a present he would be happy with and get good use out of. I asked various people's advice so as to be sure to get the perfect present for him. Even when I had decided on a laptop, I made sure to look into it properly to get him a good one and as they did not have that one in either of the stores reasonably close to me, went on a fair bit of a drive to get it. I don't mind any of this, like I said I wanted to get him the perfect present.

I feel with mine, he probably just walked into boots or wherever and picked up any bottle of perfume. I just felt disappointed at the lack of thought that seemed to go into it, as some of you recognised.

Thank you for your varying opinions.

punisher5112

Sounds very cheap op.

He didn't make any effort.


Surprised at all comments backing the guy up

I would spend more on a friend then what was spent.


I think a talk may be in order or up to you as others said talk of a budget next year

Meauldsegosha

Kauto0709 wrote: »

Now, like I said in the original post it is not about the money, it is about the thought or lack thereof.

But it is about the money OP you said so in your first post.

Kauto0709 wrote: »

.... but I would have thought he would spend at least around the €100 mark.

If you like the perfume and CD isn't that what matters? If he had spent €100 on a present that you didn't like would that have been better?

anncoates

Don't think 300 is too much to spend at all (a baby being on the way is irrelevant) but conversely you shouldn't tot up the price of gifts either. I usually spend more on my wife because she works part time so I insist she spends less .

efb

We are living in a material world and you are a material girl.

Arrange a limit next time. I would never spend €300 on a partner for Xmas

efb

From a your posts it points to being about the money

efb

anncoates wrote: »

Don't think 300 is too much to spend at all (a baby being on the way is irrelevant) but conversely you shouldn't tot up the price of gifts either. I usually spend more on my wife because she works part time so I insist she spends less .

Babies are expensive- my wealthy friends budget with baby in mind

eviltwin

Kauto0709 wrote: »

Thanks everybody for your comments.

First of all I don't think it fair to imply that it was silly of me to spend that money on my partner when we have a baby on the way...the money I chose to spend on my partner did not take in any way from the baby who is of course my number 1 priority, there is plenty of money put aside for her so really I don't feel the comments along those lines were justified.

Now, like I said in the original post it is not about the money, it is about the thought or lack thereof. I wanted to get him a present he would be happy with and get good use out of. I asked various people's advice so as to be sure to get the perfect present for him. Even when I had decided on a laptop, I made sure to look into it properly to get him a good one and as they did not have that one in either of the stores reasonably close to me, went on a fair bit of a drive to get it. I don't mind any of this, like I said I wanted to get him the perfect present.

I feel with mine, he probably just walked into boots or wherever and picked up any bottle of perfume. I just felt disappointed at the lack of thought that seemed to go into it, as some of you recognised.

Thank you for your varying opinions.

Just because something cost a small amount of money doesn't mean it was a thoughtless gift. You need to talk to him. Don't let it fester if it's bothering you so much but it's important to keep perspective. It's just a Christmas gift. It's how he is the other days of the year that is important.

Moved to Relationship Issues. Please read charter before posting.

anncoates

efb wrote: »

Babies are expensive- my wealthy friends budget with baby in mind

You have wealthy friends that can't drop 300 quid on a present because they have kids?

You may want to revise your definition of wealthy

Penny Tration

Op, be honest - is it about the thought, or the money?

My boyfriend spent about half the price i spent on him, but I don't care because his gifts were thoughtful. He got me perfume, but got one he knows I like. He got me a Yankee candle, but in a scent he knows I love. He got me make up brushes, because he knows I needed new ones. They may not all have cost half as much as what I spent on him, but who cares? I didn't set out to spend as much as I did. I just looked for things I knew he'd like, as he did with me, and neither of us thought much of prices.

The cd he got you - if it's an artist you like, then he was thoughtful.

If the perfume was one you like, thoughtful again.

woodchuck

Kauto0709 wrote: »

Thanks everybody for your comments.

First of all I don't think it fair to imply that it was silly of me to spend that money on my partner when we have a baby on the way...the money I chose to spend on my partner did not take in any way from the baby who is of course my number 1 priority, there is plenty of money put aside for her so really I don't feel the comments along those lines were justified.

Now, like I said in the original post it is not about the money, it is about the thought or lack thereof. I wanted to get him a present he would be happy with and get good use out of. I asked various people's advice so as to be sure to get the perfect present for him. Even when I had decided on a laptop, I made sure to look into it properly to get him a good one and as they did not have that one in either of the stores reasonably close to me, went on a fair bit of a drive to get it. I don't mind any of this, like I said I wanted to get him the perfect present.

I feel with mine, he probably just walked into boots or wherever and picked up any bottle of perfume. I just felt disappointed at the lack of thought that seemed to go into it, as some of you recognised.

Thank you for your varying opinions.

OP, your entire first post was about the money except for the very last line.

If your real issue is the lack of thought, then that's an entirely separate issue, but you haven't even said how you feel about the present other than the cost. Some people love perfumes and CDs, how do we know you're not one of them?

But to be honest it does sound like it boils down to the money for you. If he had bought you an expensive, but ugly, piece of jewellery, I'd imagine you'd be much happier with the situation?

professore

When the baby comes you'll have no time or money so this will become a non issue.

Kauto0709

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

Op, be honest - is it about the thought, or the money?

My boyfriend spent about half the price i spent on him, but I don't care because his gifts were thoughtful. He got me perfume, but got one he knows I like. He got me a Yankee candle, but in a scent he knows I love. He got me make up brushes, because he knows I needed new ones. They may not all have cost half as much as what I spent on him, but who cares? I didn't set out to spend as much as I did. I just looked for things I knew he'd like, as he did with me, and neither of us thought much of prices.

The cd he got you - if it's an artist you like, then he was thoughtful.

If the perfume was one you like, thoughtful again.

It was just a random perfume, not one I wear or had ever mentioned liking. In fact I generally don't wear pefume except for the odd occasion. I have lots of bottles sitting about at home.

The CD....I don't know where he got that idea from. I definately don't remember ever mentioning liking Nathan Carter...

efb

anncoates wrote: »

You have wealthy friends that can't drop 300 quid on a present because they have kids?

You may want to revise your definition of wealthy

They don't "drop" €300 on gifts - that is pointless and vulgar. If they require something worth €300 they buy it

Penny Tration

Kauto0709 wrote: »

It was just a random perfume, not one I wear or had ever mentioned liking. In fact I generally don't wear pefume except for the odd occasion. I have lots of bottles sitting about at home.

The CD....I don't know where he got that idea from. I definately don't remember ever mentioning liking Nathan Carter...

Well, I can understand you being a bit miffed if they truly were thoughtless.

That said, you aren't together very long. Maybe he genuinely didn't know what to get you? I tried to be thoughtful last Christmas with my boyfriend, but we didn't know each other very well, and the gift I got him is sitting, unused and unopened, in his cupboard :pac:

OP, I think if you had left out how much you spent, and how much he spent, and posted a thread about how your boyfriend had bought you cheap perfume despite you never wearing perfume, and a cd of someone whose music you don't like, the responses would be very different. Unfortunately, you made the thread about money, and so that's what people are understandably focusing on.

punisher5112

The worrying part is you are expecting a baby and he doesnt know you op.

Really need to sort this out.

At least if it was all he got you a bunch of flowers and maybe dinner out would have been nice.

It doesn't have to be mad expensive but a few little things to make up.

Meauldsegosha

OP you thread is titled "I spent more on him" and you where checking the price of his gifts to you on the Internet.

Kauto0709 wrote: »

but I checked the price of the perfume afterwards on the internet and it retails at €21 in most shops.

Be honest with yourself it is about the money. I think if he had bought the most thoughtful gift for you but it only cost €50 you would still be upset. Some people care more about the cost of the present, others care more about the actually present.

ElleEm

It certainly seems like there was a lack of thought for YOU in his gift. The first Christmas, birthday, anniversary etc. in a relationship can often be one where people are unsure of what to get/ how much to spend. Usually the longer you are with someone, you can discuss budgets for gifts. It seems like you moved fast, with a baby on the way in such a short space of time, but you really need to become a team and discuss finances and what to spend in each other in the future. Maybe he is just crap at buying presents- and needs direction as opposed to "hints".

anncoates

efb wrote: »

They don't "drop" €300 on gifts - that is pointless and vulgar.

Yes, buying somebody a gift you can afford with your own money is pointless and vulgar.

Wait, don't tell me. Christmas is a commercial monstrosity right?

Tokyo

efb & anncoates - please stop dragging the thread off topic. Advice towards the OP's issue only please.

Regards,
Mike

Saipanne

I spent a lot more than my girlfriend. But I earn a lot more than her. I told her in advance that I was going overboard, and I told her not to spend a lot on me to keep up, that it isn't about the amount spent. Maybe you should have done that.

In the end, she managed to outdo me by spending less, as she made me one of my gifts. So its definitely not about money.

mada82

It is about the money OP and there's nothing wrong with that.

I'd be disappointed with a present like that too unless my gf was broke.

I don't think it would be right to say it to him either. Just adjust the amount you spend next time so you don't feel hard done by.

tinkerbell

I also think people are being harsh on OP. I mean who the feck is Nathan Carter? I would be pissed if I was 6 months pregnant and got a CD for Christmas that presumably I didn't ask for .... It's a CD. For the woman who is carrying his baby. I mean jees she deserves more than that FFS. It's not about the money, by the way. My hubby and I buy whatever for each other as presents but put thought into it. Some years he has spent more than me and I have spent more than him but never once has the comparative value of the gifts entered my head because it doesn't matter as the gifts were thoughtful.

If OP's partner was strapped for cash, he could've bought her a lovely piece of jewellery for the same price as that dumb cd. For example, Alex and Ani bracelets cost around €25 and each one has a different meaning. They are really pretty and very thoughtful.

But Jees, a cd for his pregnant missus just takes the absolute piss.

December2012

Op have you asked him why he picked those presents? How do you know if it's thoughtless? Wrong does not equal thoughtless

StormWarrior

It's not so much the fact of what he spent (I think 30 euros is reasonable) but the fact that it sounds like he got you things he knows you won't like (maybe even re-gifted things) - it sounds to me like maybe there's a bit of resentment there on his part. If the baby wasn't planned and happened very shortly after you'd got together, maybe he's not happy about it and is showing his feelings passive-aggressively?