9 years and not engaged

lillylouxx

O.k so i'm new to this site

Thought id give it a go. I've been with my partner for going on nine years (since school). We are 25 and 26. we have an amazing daughter and also lost a child a 4 years ago. like most relationships we have had our ups and downs but overall we have a very good relationship. we get along really well and have lived together for 6 years. we both work full time and i am also in college
So here is my problem. I've been getting a lot of grief lately about not being married or even engaged (this never bothered me before) but the more i thought about it the more i realised that i would like to get engaged. Marriage is not something that i want for a few years until i am finished college and in a job that i like. But i would like the commitment of an engagement.
My partner asked me what I wanted for xmas and i said that i would like a ring. He said that he wasn't ready and that there was loads of time for that.
Maybe its just me but I felt very betrayed by this. We have been through so much together and know each other so well. If he doesn't know by now that i'm the person he wants to be with then maybe i'm not that person?
There was no argument I just told him that i needed to think about things, that for me, things have changed that was three days ago and we haven't spoken at all since
I feel as though I should walk away, if by now hes not serious i don't think he ever will be
I would like some other views on this. Am I wrong to walk away? I would really appreciate some help
Thank you in advance

LegacyUser

Hi Lilly,

Had to reply but for obv. reasons posting anon. I got married recently in my mid twenties. Myself and my partner have no children but were living together - alone - for a few years before engagement. Long story short - I wanted to get engaged a long time before my OH was ready.

In the beginning it really upset me. Yes we were young (still are) but we had made some major life choices together (inc. loosing a baby) and I knew what I wanted. He panicked. Went from saying 'I love you' etc. to saying 'if we're still with each other next year'. I lost the plot. I remember having a full blown row on the street after I packed a small bag, as I 'needed time to think'. I didn't want to live with a man who - in my mind - wasn't certain that he wanted to be with me.

He surprised me, not by proposing, but by saying that he knew he wanted to be with me, for the long term, but that he was not ready to be married. To him, these were different things - being engaged meant planning a wedding and being married meant stopping going out etc. (now none of that was "us" at all!!!). He asked for time and I didn't really understand but kind of decided that pressure wasn't working so I'd try standing back.

8 months later, We were away and a couple proposed right in front of us and I smiled. He joked and made a comment about thanking god it wasnt us. I cried.
My OH proposed the next day, he had been carrying the ring for weeks & wanted to propose the night before, but the other man surprised him and as my OH says 'ruined it'.

We got married recently. When we joke about it - his reflections have shown me up. He is a practical thinker. Says him wanting to be with me forever and him wanting to be married were/are completely different things. That marriage for him meant a big ring and a traditional wedding (I didn't want those things, he did!). That it meant having savings and being different from the other lads/couples. And that he expected/was scared that it would change us. That he was happy, happier than most others he knew at the time, and was worried that suddenly we'd start fighting or something.

We did end up getting engaged and married but about 2 years after I would have first wanted - still in our mid-ish twenties. For us, being engaged/married has changed nothing. But, truth be told, it has changed others reactions to us. People do expect us to be less independent, and the baby 'hints' are dreadful (i'm totally not ready for that yet!). Its been good, but not easy. I wouldn't change it but I'm glad I waited for him to choose it too.

I posted because I remember clearly feeling the same as you. My advice: Don't walk away until you really understand what your partner is saying. Is he saying he is unsure if he wants to be with you or is he scared of marriage? What does it mean for him? What does being engaged mean for him?

best of luck OP.

Calhoun

If find it very hard to disagree with your logic op , at this stage you have been through so much you might as well be married.

Getting engage now is basically confirming the status quo and should be a given. The fact he says he isn't ready would really make me wonder where his head is at does he think he's not in a serious relationship?

Have you talked to him since ?

lillylouxx

thank you for the reply
no i havent
im avoiding him because i just dont know what to say. I did tell him that knowing he feels that way i didnt know if i could continue our relationship. I really dont think that I can. any advice would be much appreciated
thank you

OP, you are both very young, you have a young daughter & have gone through the trauma of loosing a child.
I presume you are both living together?
If this is the case, then you are both very much in a family unit.
Maybe your oh doesn't see the need to put extra pressure on you both as regards a wedding day?

Ye are a family, don't over think it OP. I have been at loads of weddings over the last 10 years where the kids were involved, some were teenagers, some weddings all the better for it!

I think you maybe should take a step back, look at what you have, be grateful for it, and go forward. If you have a man, the father of your child, who loves you, who is with you, and wants to provide for your child, and ye live each other. Then weddings can wait!

northknife

Give it another year, february 2016 is a leap year which is traditional for the lady to propose. Might be able to tell more about the situation then if he says no

Calhoun

lillylouxx wrote: »

thank you for the reply
no i havent
im avoiding him because i just dont know what to say. I did tell him that knowing he feels that way i didnt know if i could continue our relationship. I really dont think that I can. any advice would be much appreciated
thank you

I would get his viewpoint on things he owes you an explanation and while I agree with the post above about been through the allot and lucky with what you have, his comments would throw me.

Whats he not ready for committing to you or what. Definitely understand where your coming from I think your owed some answers.

December2012

I think it was bad form to try to ask for an engagement when you're asked what you want for Christmas. That was not the time or place and you may have blindsided your partner.

You've said that its recentky that you've felt you wanted to get married, does that mean you were uncommitted a few months ago, because that's what you're saying about your partner.

I think the fact that you've stopped talking to him is bad form too. You bring up this big thing out of the blue and stop talking when it doesn't go your way.

You are entitled to have this conversation with him, but I think you've gone about it all wrong. to think about ending it because a conversation didn't go your way is over reactive.

Go back to him, talk to him, take your time. There is no rush.

strobe

You've been thinking about this for a while, spurred on by 'getting a lot of grief about not being engaged' (always a great reason to want to get married...), where as you pretty much landed it in his lap out of the blue, and then took off in a huff when he didn't hop down on one knee there and then. He's had children with you and has been living with you for six years... That's kinda a pretty big hint he sees his future with you. And yet you're thinking about ending the relationship with your long term boyfriend (do you actually love this guy btw?) and the father of your child over this? Seriously? You're being mental.

Advice. Tell anyone 'giving you grief' to mind their own bloody business. Go back to your boyfriend and apologise for landing it on him and then reacting how you did. And then have a proper adult conversation about his thoughts on marriage in the future. A conversation, a two way thing with listening, not a grilling in a pressure cooker.

It's a perfectly fine conversation to have with someone, but your execution has been awful, and really unfair, and certainly isn't going to stir up marriagey feelings in any man.

Big Bag of Chips

lillylouxx wrote: »

Marriage is not something that i want for a few years until i am finished college and in a job that i like..........

He said that he wasn't ready and that there was loads of time for that.

You're not ready for marriage yet. He has told you he's not ready either, yet when he said it you took it as an affront to you.

You didn't discuss this. You told him you wanted a ring. Did you tell him marriage is a long way down the road? Maybe he doesn't see any point in getting engaged if there's no definite plans for marriage. People are giving you "grief"... Because you're not engaged? When you've been engaged for a few years with no sign of a wedding they will give you grief because you haven't gotten married yet.

You and your bf need to live your lives for yourselves, not for people who are just using you as a topic of conversation for a few minutes. Whether or not you two get engaged will have absolutely ZERO affect on anyone else.. Except, perhaps, they might get a night out out of it.

Talk to your bf. Let him know what you hope for, and listen to what he hopes for. He has basically told you what you think yourself, but you heard something completely different.

MistyCheese

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

People are giving you "grief"... Because you're not engaged? When you've been engaged for a few years with no sign of a wedding they will give you grief because you haven't gotten married.

Then, say you get married, people will demand to know when you're having kids. When you do have a child they'll want to know when you're having another. Heaven help you if your two children are of the same gender, people will consider it their business to ask if you're going to try for a (other gender).

Getting an engagement ring for Christmas is something that looks nice in jewellery ads but would you not prefer to get one because your boyfriend wants to be your husband, and not because it's Christmas? Without that meaning behind it, it's just a pretty ring.

An engagement in, say, March, is more likely to be because it's what's right for the couple, as opposed to its Christmas and he knows you want to so feck it, why not?

He knows how you feel now. Give him a chance to decide how he feels. Don't expect one this Christmas. I know I'd like a man to think about something as important as marriage for longer than 6 days.

Stavro Mueller

I think you caught your partner on the hop. Until people started going on about you not being married you were perfectly happy "just" living together. When you asked him about the ring, you'd tossed the idea around in your head for a while and decided that yes, actually you'd like to get married. For him this came out of the blue and he may have been caught on the hop. Before you decided you wanted to be married, can you remember what thoughts used to go through your own head when people raised the issue?

I think you're going to have to sit down with your partner and see what he thinks about it now that he has had time to reflect. I reckon you're afraid of what answers you might get but running away from the issue will get you nowhere.

skallywag

Some background first OP, I am with my own partner 10 years, we have a house together and a daughter. Marriage is not something which I am against per se, and perhaps one day we will get married further down the road, who knows.

Two things which strike me about your post are that you both seemed perfectly happy before you brought this topic up, and secondly that you are both still very young compared to what is perceived as the 'norm' to get married these days. So even though you both appear perfectly happy at the moment, you are considering now 'walking away' merely because of stick you are getting off people for 'not being married'?

Forgive my bluntness but that is just insane in my opinion.

ThatFatGal

I couldn't agree more with the above posters.

First of all, can I just suggest that the worst you can do in this situation is 'NOT TALKING TO HIM' or 'AVOIDING HIM'. Men are not like women - I learnt it the hard way. If you don't talk to him, he will just think you are not talking to him but he won't know why you're doing it. I'm sorry but it comes across as a bit childish that you're playing the mute card instead of sitting down and talking to him like two grown up adults. You should be able to discuss these things with him - how else do you expect to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him?

Also, can I ask you to be 100% honest and ask yourself - the reason you want to be married/engaged is because people have put pressure on you (saying things like, so when are you tying the knot, when is he gonna put a ring on your finger etc)?

I will be honest - 25 and 26 is a very young age - I mean, fair play to yis for going through so much together in the last 9 years but it is such a young age to be married or even engaged. I'm happy for you that you two are both working and that you're studying towards your future - I really command you. But what does it mean to you or to him that you are engaged if you're already living together and have a child together? Does that not already scream that you're committed?

While I completely understand that the pressure from friends and family can be overwhelming, think of it from his perspective - you haven't talked to him about this desire to be engaged and suddenly you ask him for a ring out of the blue - of course he will freak out.

It doesn't mean that he loves you any less. Get a hold of your own insecurity and work on your current relationship. If you want to ditch him because he doesn't want to be engaged, maybe you shouldn't be with him.

Magicmatilda

I really think you need to discuss this further with him.
I think it would be completely unfair to your child to walk away from your pretty happy relationahip based on one conversation.
I suspect that your partner was a bit blind sided or taken aback by your request. Afterall you didn't say "listen, I'm thinking we should start discussing marraige" or "so maybe we should have a chat about getting engaged, with a view to marraige in a couple of years", no what you said is "I want an engagement ring for Christmas" - which is next week. Talk about backing him into a corner!
Now I get that you are hurt because your expectation was that he would say yes, let's! and he didn't he said I am not ready. It seems you are hearing, I don't love you and don't want to marry you. But that is not what he is saying, he is saying I am not ready right now, in this moment to get engaged. Most likely because he was shocked. Remember he was only asking what you want for christmas.
I suggest you tell him that you are hurt and why you are hurt without any blame for him, because you have to accept responsibility for your expectations. Then ask him if he sees marraige and when. Then you can work from there.
But to walk away based on his reaction to your request for an engagement ring next week would be crazy and you would realise that in a few months. It is an emotional reaction to YOUR hurt.

melon_collie

OP you're only feeling this way now because other people are talking about it and giving you 'grief'. Live your own lives and stop worrying about what other people say or think because they haven't got a clue about whats going on in your relationship and it's none of their business anyway.

An example of this is the following. My wife's best friend is married about two years. She and her husband are unable to conceive. A woman came up to her in the street one day and said 'you're two years married now? . . . and still no sign of any kids?? A bloody stupid comment to make. My wife's friend was very upset. It's just an example though of how it's so easy for people on the outside to make stupid comments

Big Bag of Chips

Magicmatilda wrote: »

he said I am not ready. It seems you are hearing, I don't love you and don't want to marry you. But that is not what he is saying, he is saying I am not ready right now, in this moment to get engaged.

I'd even go so far as to say he's not even thinking engagement, he's thinking marriage, and THAT'S what he's not ready for and "there's plenty time" for. And he's right. You think that yourself!!

The next natural step from engagement is marriage. Girls think of engagement and think of an announcement and showing off a lovely diamond ring. Men think engagement and think wedding and marriage. You already are committed to each other. Is a ring really going to make that commitment better? Either of you can walk away from an engagement just as easily as you can walk away from your relationship right now.

You have no idea what he thinks or thought because you have not spoken to him. As someone else said, its not a very mature way of dealing with an issue. The problem here is something has been lost in translation. To be honest, I think you now owe him an apology for your overreaction and the chance to tell you what he thinks.

You're a partnership. Life decisions should be discussed. If he does produce a ring now it will mean nothing except that he felt blackmailed into it: A ring, or I walk, bringing our child with me.

lillylouxx

i would like to elaborate a little (maybe i'm defending myself slightly here) I didn't stop talking to him we both didn't speak to each other after that because I guess it was awkward and its not difficult for us not to speak for a few days with work. The reason that I am avoiding the situation is because I simply don't know what to say to him. I understand why people would think that I want to get engaged because of other people but its simply not true. Yes, other people put it into my head, but the sentiment is mine. I feel its the next step. The reason that I feel prepared to walk away is not because i didn't get my own way it was because i felt very hurt by the fact that he wasn't sure about me. That is effectively what he is saying. i told him that i don't want to get married for a few years, that I would like the commitment of knowing it was eventually going to happen. he is the type of guy to wait and leave things go for a long time. which is why i thought id give him a nudge. He told me that he had never thought of marriage which also hurt. Maybe I'm wrong to feel the way that i do but I really can't control the way that I feel. I'm hurt by this and I feel if he's not ready now maybe I'm not the one. In relation to my daughter's feelings and what is fair on her, i have always and will always do what is best for her but I won't stay in a relationship that may not be going anywhere out of obligation to her. She is my everything and i would not ever make a decision without thinking of her first.
I really appreciate all comments even negative ones
Maybe I'll learn something about myself
Thank you all

Big Bag of Chips

... But he's not the one considering leaving an otherwise good relationship. You are. You are the one thinking of walking away. Marriage isn't important to him right now. He has a family that he is happy with. Marriage is just a formality in his eyes. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to commit to you.

Have you ever gotten the impression that he is just filling time with you? Waiting for someone better to come along? Children are a bigger commitment than engagement, marriage, houses etc. These can all be walked away from. Children are for keeps.

I still think you are not being fair to him, and have not given him a fair hearing. Do you want to end your relationship? Do you want your relationship to end? It's just a bit contradictory on one hand to say you want marriage and on the other to say you are willing to end the relationship.

You can't question his commitment to you, while threatening to walk away yourself. Would that not make him question your commitment to him?

You both need to talk. And listen.

heretochat

I don't mean to be harsh but in my opinion OP, the way you are dealing with this whole thing makes me question whether you are mature enough for the life time commitment of marriage in any event.

Going off in a sulk and not talking to your partner about something as important as this would suggest to me that you are in no way ready to consider that step.

You are ready to throw away a 9 year relationship because you are getting the hump about people commenting on the fact that you are not married. You are only in your mid 20s after all.

You need to communicate with your partner and see where this is all going. He is probably as confused and upset about the whole thing as you are.

Stavro Mueller

What I'm wondering is why you're so quick to talk about walking away. Is there something else going on here?

lillylouxx

I understand the contradiction
And believe me this has crossed my mind too. Our children were twins and were not planned so I wouldn't consider it a commitment on his part. You are right in what your saying and my head completely agrees with you. It's very logical and if I was on the outside looking in I would probably be saying the same as you are. I just find it difficult to overcome the "he doesn't want to get engaged therefore he doesn't see a future with me feeling". I fear that now I have said it and I know how he feels that this feeling will never go away if I stay. I am the one who threw the spanner in the works and if it ends my relationship i will take responsibility for it but when I said it, I guess was not prepared for the answer.

skallywag

lillylouxx wrote: »

The reason that I feel prepared to walk away is not because i didn't get my own way it was because i felt very hurt by the fact that he wasn't sure about me.

But he wasn't saying this at all as far as I can see? He was just saying he did not want to be married at the moment. You can't equate that with him not being sure about you.

Big Bag of Chips

You moved in together 6 years ago. That in itself is a commitment. Your babies weren't planned, but he stayed. That is another commitment.

You should really be telling him all this. Not talking for 3 days is not normal for 2 people living together, regardless of work schedules.

lillylouxx

Like I said before I am not ignoring him and he has not tried to speak to me either we work opposite shifts so we haven't seen each other awake since. I am simply trying to figure out what the best thing to do in this situation is before I talk to him about it again. There is nothing else going on, we were very happy (which I know sounds strange). I must be wrong to feel this way but I don't see how I change the way that I feel. By no means do I want to leave but how do you stay in a relationship where one party is more serious than the other? If a man asked a woman to marry him and she said no, im guessing most of the time it would mean the end of the relationship??

Penny Tration

lillylouxx wrote: »

Like I said before I am not ignoring him and he has not tried to speak to me either we work opposite shifts so we haven't seen each other awake since. I am simply trying to figure out what the best thing to do in this situation is before I talk to him about it again. There is nothing else going on, we were very happy (which I know sounds strange). I must be wrong to feel this way but I don't see how I change the way that I feel. By no means do I want to leave but how do you stay in a relationship where one party is more serious than the other? If a man asked a woman to marry him and she said no, im guessing most of the time it would mean the end of the relationship??

I think you need to step back a moment and think about what you've said. You're saying that you're more serious about the relationship than he is.

I highly doubt ANY guy in his mid-twenties would stick around for 9 years, move in with a woman, have kids and work to support the family unless he was serious!

Not being ready for marriage does not mean he's not as serious about the relationship as you. 9 years of commitment should tell you that.

Big Bag of Chips

You didn't ask him to marry you. You mentioned an engagement ring.

skallywag

lillylouxx wrote: »

If a man asked a woman to marry him and she said no, im guessing most of the time it would mean the end of the relationship??

Perhaps in Downton Abbey but not in the day and age where you are living together anyway for years and even have a family together

I really think you have let those giving you the stick get to you and you have now managed to convinced yourself that you are more committed than your other half. Apart from the marriage topic, have you any other evidence all that his heart may not be in it?

lillylouxx

point taken

lillylouxx

skallywag wrote: »

Perhaps in Downton Abbey but not in the day and age where you are living together anyway for years and even have a family together

I really think you have let those giving you the stick get to you and you have now managed to convinced yourself that you are more committed than your other half. Apart from the marriage topic, have you any other evidence all that his heart may not be in it?

If I really think about it there will always be little things that make me feel that way but overall no. i'm guessing anyone who really over thinks things will find reasons to believe their SO doesn't want to be with them. I take everyone's point and I do appreciate the help. I guess what I'm asking is where do I go from here?

strobe

lillylouxx wrote: »

I must be wrong to feel this way but I don't see how I change the way that I feel.

You just talk to him, calmly, and listen to what he says. At the bottom of it all you do actually come across as quite a reasonable and level headed person, so be like that in this situation.

Honestly though, you talk about the hurt you're feeling from what he's said. How hurt would you be if he threatened to leave you taking your child with him, seemingly at the drop of a hat over something you didn't even realise was an issue as he'd never discussed it with you? I know you didn't say it quite like that but at the end of the day that's what "well I don't think I want to be together then" means to him. I think you need to stop, take a step back and think about him in this situation too, rather than just yourself for a second. That was a very unfair response from you. And a potentially very damaging thing for your relationship. It's taking the trust and security that you've built up together over the last 9 years and running it through a shredder.

skallywag

lillylouxx wrote: »

I guess what I'm asking is where do I go from here?

Just be open with him and tell him the comments that you were getting got to you a bit, and take the chat from there. I know you may feel apprehensive now about it all, but from what you have described things can be put back on track quite easily I think, and you will be looking back on all this over Christmas and feeling a bit silly maybe about it all

Good Luck!

lillylouxx

Maybe i'm giving the wrong impression I never told him that this was making me want to leave I told him that I needed to think. I never said that to him. We didn't argue and I would never say that to him. Ill try to talk to him (hes definitely not very vocal about his feelings ever) Thank you all for the advice and I shall let ye know what happens x

strobe

lillylouxx wrote: »

Maybe i'm giving the wrong impression I never told him that this was making me want to leave I told him that I needed to think. I never said that to him. We didn't argue and I would never say that to him. Ill try to talk to him (hes definitely not very vocal about his feelings ever) Thank you all for the advice and I shall let ye know what happens x

Oh sorry, that was just the impression I picked up from the OP.

Best of luck anyway. I'm sure things'll be fine once you talk things through properly with both of you having had a chance to think about things. Like you said, you've been through a lot together. I'm sure you'll be able to work through this too.

MistyCheese

Actually OP I'll defend you on the 'wanting to do it because of other people' thing. It's most likely that people put the idea in your head and that made you realise that it's what you want. Otherwise people's comments wouldn't really bother you. Or not so much anyway. If people commented to me "Why don't you go backpacking in Thailand for a year" it wouldn't make me think "Yeah actually, why don't I?" because that's not something I'm interested in. But you are interested in getting married which is why the comments are annoying you so much.

As for what you should do now. Talk to your partner. Tell him "Okay, saying I wanted a ring for Christmas probably made you feel a bit pressured. I don't want to pressure you. But I do want to talk about us getting married someday. Why don't we put a pin in it for now and agree to discuss it next March/April?" That gives him time to think about what he wants and also you know you two are going to talk about what you both want, it's not going to drag on and on and on. Btw, I deliberately picked a date that would be after Valentine's Day, don't be upset if he doesn't propose on Valentine's Day. Give him a bit longer than 6 weeks.

There is a wedding website that has a section called "waiting" for women who are not yet engaged but are hoping to be. Maybe you could check that out as you could talk to like-minded women.

Big Bag of Chips

lillylouxx wrote: »

If I really think about it there will always be little things that make me feel that way but overall no.

No relationship is romance and flowers all the time. Every relationship goes through patches. If overall you know you want to be with him, then don't throw it away over a misunderstanding.

And regardless of what you say, 3 days of not talking is not normal I guess when things are good between you you'd at least send a text?! Someone needs to swallow their pride and be the first to make contact.

Good luck, you sound like you have a lovely family.

kstand

It seems to me that you want to get engaged because you think you should be engaged and like the idea of being engaged and telling your friends and family and posting it on Facebook and whatever else. Yeah you've been together a long time but you essentially got together as children and have known nothing else. Engagement rings cost money as do weddings, can ye afford that? You were wrong to demand a ring and selfish then to ignore him and wrong to feel betrayed just because you didn't get what you want. I met my wife at 30 - we didn't get married for 6 years after that. You guys are still young. Plenty of time for all that when you are older so get over it and give him space and time because if I was in his shoes and read this, I'd seriously consider whether or not to walk away.

Neyite

OP, I get where you are coming from. I understand the pressure from friends and family and plastering on the stupid fake grin when someone on a night out starts at you about engagement and weddings and you hear it so often that you wonder if maybe all of them are right, and you are the one that's wrong.

Some people might tell you that if he hasn't proposed by now, he never will. I disagree, because I have personal experience of the opposite.

When I was at the same crossroads I asked myself a question that clarified it for me: If I had to choose between being with him forever, never marrying him, or breaking up to find a relationship where I was Mrs. X, but with someone else, what would I choose? It helped me decide.

For me, I decided that I wanted to spend my life with him, even if that meant we would never get married. I realised how happy the relationship makes me. I looked around at some bickering married couples and knew our relationship was nicer, more respectful and happier than theirs. I didn't want marriage if it wasn't going to be with him as my husband. And that the answer for me.

Ironically, a few years on from that, we are engaged now. And now I'm the one that is in no hurry to marry.

lillylouxx

Neyite wrote: »

OP, I get where you are coming from. I understand the pressure from friends and family and plastering on the stupid fake grin when someone on a night out starts at you about engagement and weddings and you hear it so often that you wonder if maybe all of them are right, and you are the one that's wrong.

Some people might tell you that if he hasn't proposed by now, he never will. I disagree, because I have personal experience of the opposite.

When I was at the same crossroads I asked myself a question that clarified it for me: If I had to choose between being with him forever, never marrying him, or breaking up to find a relationship where I was Mrs. X, but with someone else, what would I choose? It helped me decide.

For me, I decided that I wanted to spend my life with him, even if that meant we would never get married. I realised how happy the relationship makes me. I looked around at some bickering married couples and knew our relationship was nicer, more respectful and happier than theirs. I didn't want marriage if it wasn't going to be with him as my husband. And that the answer for me.

Ironically, a few years on from that, we are engaged now. And now I'm the one that is in no hurry to marry.

thank you very much for your very helpful advice and to all those who gave helpful advice. This was my first and last time on an internet forum. I came here to ask for constructive advice and obviously didn't realise i was putting my whole life out there to be judged. I am not a bad person and I love my family very much. I was questioning his love for me given his response. I sincerely hope that the people who are judging me do not receive the same response when faced with an issue in their life

Stavro Mueller

That's the internet for you I'm afraid. People can only go by the limited information they see on the screen and fill in the blanks. The written word isn't the greatest for expressing nuances etc.

Anyway I hope things work out for you and that this is nothing more than a misunderstanding.

strobe

lillylouxx wrote: »

thank you very much for your very helpful advice and to all those who gave helpful advice. This was my first and last time on an internet forum. I came here to ask for constructive advice and obviously didn't realise i was putting my whole life out there to be judged. I am not a bad person and I love my family very much. I was questioning his love for me given his response. I sincerely hope that the people who are judging me do not receive the same response when faced with an issue in their life

Sorry about that. I'm sure the things most people say are mostly meant with the best intentions. Print on screen can just be cold by it's nature. I don't think anyone thinks you're a bad person or anything like that. You're obviously not.

December2012

lillylouxx wrote: »

thank you very much for your very helpful advice and to all those who gave helpful advice. This was my first and last time on an internet forum. I came here to ask for constructive advice and obviously didn't realise i was putting my whole life out there to be judged. I am not a bad person and I love my family very much. I was questioning his love for me given his response. I sincerely hope that the people who are judging me do not receive the same response when faced with an issue in their life

I think you're overreacting again. You asked a question and you didn't like some answers.

Your whole life was not put out to be judged. Your life was not judged, nor were you judged. Your behaviour was judged because that's what you asked for. There is a difference between you, your life and your behaviour.

Your gave your facts and got asked for advice. Nobody here is claiming to be a relationship expert, just people like you who give an invited response when they feel they have something to contribute.

Now you're obviously feeling sensitive right now and that's understandable.

It can be hard trying to reconnect after an uncomfortable situation.

Some things you could do to reconnect
* ask for a hug
* offer him a hug
* tell him you love him
* tell him you're sorry for bringing it up if he did not like it
* be kind to each other

And later you could
* tell him you would like to marry him
* ask him would he like to marry you (I do not mean propose!)
* say that you'ld like to put a pin in it for now but you would like to talk about your future around March
* if he does not want to get married, you will want (in a few months) to discuss the other arrangements you need to put in place to take practical care of the family, such as Wills, Enduring Power of Attorney, guardianship of your children, banking, life assurance etc.

But the reconnecting starts with kindness.

wonderfulalice

Hi OP,

I thought I would answer your question about someone saying no to a proposal but the relationship continuing.

I am one of those people. I was and still am in a great relationship with my OH but about four years in to our relationship he blindsided me with an unexpected proposal. It had this beautiful ring, perfect setting and of course the huge surprise and for many women it would have been their dream. Not so for me.

Marriage was not, is not and never will be any form of commitment in my mind (others will disagree). For instance my OH sees it very differently. He likes the security it gives kids& a family, the legal rights of next of kin and the very idea of making a public commitment that this is your life partner.

No matter how hurt my OH was at the time of the proposal it killed me more to hurt him in the way I did. It was a very tough few weeks in my life as I struggled to figure out what I wanted and if I could or should throw out my very beliefs or stand by them. But through it all my OH was beside me with ready hugs, understanding, talking me through my feelings, reasoning with me and giving unwavering support. He told me that he loved me more than anything and that if it was marriage or me that he would take me every single time. He proved in those very emotional weeks how great a partner he is.

We worked through it and I realised that someone who puts you first, even in that situation, is someone very special. As strange as it may be I think his belief in me and us at that time made us a stronger unit in the end. It was never that I didn't love him, see him as my life long partner or not feel committed to him. I simply wasn't ready or able at that point of my life to marry him.

It may be many years later and I do still struggle with the concept but we are about to be married. I still don't believe in it and I really hope it won't change our relationship but I am happy to put my reservations aside to make my OH happy. He and us is what counts and it is a compromise I am now willing and ready to make- all the more ready as I was given the time to make that decision for myself.

A husband or wife has to deal with your flaws, your beliefs and perspectives even if they are not their own. It takes a lot of respect and compromise to make a successful relationship...marriage or no marriage. Before you decide to walk away I really hope you sit down and ask him and yourself the very tough questions- it may be the start of a life long conversation because if you are in it for the long haul there will be many more such tough questions ahead.

I wish you all the best, only you can make the decision about what's right for you and only he can make that decision for himself. I also hope there is a compromise in there that works for both of you.

ILikeBananas

I think it's been said above but it should be reiterated. OP, your boyfriend saying that he isn't ready to marry you at the moment does not mean that he doesn't see a future with you.

When you do talk to him again about this you should probably ask him if he does see a future with you. Based on what you've said about your relationship in this thread I'm 99% sure he'll say he does.

As an aside: would he be the first of his group of friends to get married? From my own experience I think that has a huge bearing on guys' thinking when it comes to marriage. Once a few lads from a group who grew up together start getting married you'll often see a deluge of weddings as guys suddenly become "ready". I was at a wedding last year of a couple who has been going out 15 years. The youngest guy in my group of friends to get married was 28. Most were over 30.

lillylouxx

Hi all
I thought I would update you on how things turned out. I think if I gave advice I'd like to know how everything went.
I went to work last night and received a text from my partner. He said he hated seeing me unhappy and that he loved me.
He said that he wanted to get married but not until our house was built ( currently in planning stages) and he did not want to get engaged until we are actually going to get married. I probably should have mentioned that before, the reason that I was so eager
was that I wanted some sort of commitment before signing into a life long loan with him for legal reasons in additional others . I accept his response because I now feel he has thought about marriage and knows what I want. It was never so I could tell my friends "I'm engaged or update a facebook status. I now understand why he wants to wait. I am glad that I waited to speak to him about it because I needed to get my head together and so did he. Thank you all very much for your advice and I apologise to anyone that I may have offended, I felt attacked at times and that my intentions were being questioned but I can see now that my initial post probably gave the wrong impression

lillylouxx

lillylouxx wrote: »

<Mod Snip: There's no need to unnecessarily quote an entire post, it clogs up the thread with duplicate text.>

it appears that ye haven't actually spoken at all!
He sent you a text msg.
If ye are happy with this level of communication between ye, then all the best for your future.

CaraMay

bubblypop wrote: »

<Mod Snip: There's no need to quote the entire post before you. It just clogs up the thread with duplicate text.>

Exactly .... Op the two of ye really need to improve your face to face communication skills to make a marriage work. It all sounds very immature tbh so maybe it's best to wait a few years to get married. Good luck.

December2012

I agree with the face to face being best.

BUT
sometimes texting is appropriate because it gives the texter the opportunity to think about exactly what they want to say and to say it without interruption.

It gives the receiver time to consider the text without reacting emotionally or thoughtlessly.

It might not work for every couple - but it seemed to work for this couple this time.

I presume, OP, that you have physically spoken about this since to him?

CaraMay

I don't agree. They are talking about getting married here, not what to have for dinner... They need to learn the skill of face to face problem resolution.

MistyCheese

But also they're not getting married just yet. So they have time to learn before tying the knot.

Stavro Mueller

Glad to read this OP. I hope everything goes well for you