Turned off after a long weekend

notquitesure

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Chucky the tree

He's a tosser. Get rid.

Celly Smunt

From a mans perspective he doesn't know what he wants,he's afraid of getting serious but enjoys the benefits at the moment.

I guess you have to lay out on the table where you are with him and where you want to go. You're not too long into it now so better sooner than later.

notquitesure

Chucky the tree wrote: »

He's a tosser. Get rid.

It's been on my mind all day Chucky, trust me. I just want to have it out with him and let him know how I feel first, how to do that on the other side of the country is another thing..

Celly Smunt

notquitesure wrote: »

It's been on my mind all day Chucky, trust me. I just want to have it out with him and let him know how I feel first, how to do that on the other side of the country is another thing..

A phone call, he's shown **** all respect for you so in this instance he doesn't deserve much better. Whatever happens happens,just don't dive in with two feet.

LegacyUser

notquitesure wrote: »

I just want to have it out with him and let him know how I feel first, how to do that on the other side of the country is another thing..

There's nothing to have out with him, it'd be a complete waste of time. It's not working out, he's not making an effort,& probably seeing other women. Say nice knowing you,& move on- quickly but gracefully!

LegacyUser

notquitesure wrote: »

I just want to have it out with him and let him know how I feel first, how to do that on the other side of the country is another thing..

There's nothing to have out with him, it'd be a complete waste of time. It's not working out, he's not making an effort,& probably seeing other women. Say nice knowing you,& move on- quickly but gracefully!

Tokyo

I appreciate that this thread is for you to get things off your chest, but one thing that stands out in your post is that you haven't said anything good about this guy - regardless of who is at fault, there seem to be a lot of issues there fro you both to get past, i.e.

• The time spent together can be measured in hours per month - he doesn't seem to have time in his schedule to allow you to stay longer.
• You seem to be sexually incompatible in therms of frequency, and reciprocation.
• He still seems to be using the dating app you met on, so it's possible he doesn't see a serious future for you two.
• And the big one... you don't feel any emotional connection to him any more.

Be honest with yourself for a minute - do you really see any of that changing in the immediate future? And be even more honest - do you see yourself forming an emotional attachment to him again? To be honest, going by what you have written, what you have with him seems pretty tenuous, and it would take a lot of changes on both your parts to make it work.... To me at least, it doesn't sound like a runner....

Chucky the tree

notquitesure wrote: »

It's been on my mind all day Chucky, trust me. I just want to have it out with him and let him know how I feel first, how to do that on the other side of the country is another thing..

Why? As Celly points out he's shown no respect for you. I honestly doubt he gives a **** how you feel. I simply text him and tell him you aren't interested in him anymore and won't be visiting him again or contacting him. You getting all angry and pissed off will probably just give him an ego boost and he'll enjoy that more.

notquitesure

mike_ie wrote: »

I appreciate that this thread is for you to get things off your chest, but one thing that stands out in your post is that you haven't said anything good about this guy - regardless of who is at fault, there seem to be a lot of issues there fro you both to get past, i.e.

• The time spent together can be measured in hours per month - he doesn't seem to have time in his schedule to allow you to stay longer.
• You seem to be sexually incompatible in therms of frequency, and reciprocation.
• He still seems to be using the dating app you met on, so it's possible he doesn't see a serious future for you two.
• And the big one... you don't feel any emotional connection to him any more.

Be honest with yourself for a minute - do you really see any of that changing in the immediate future? And be even more honest - do you see yourself forming an emotional attachment to him again? To be honest, going by what you have written, what you have with him seems pretty tenuous, and it would take a lot of changes on both your parts to make it work.... To me at least, it doesn't sound like a runner....

I did leave out the good parts to him/us..you're right. I'm just in a very negative mood about it all and left that out. He usually is a great great guy, otherwise I would not make the effort and that's what upsets me about it. This weekend was just a total disaster and really turned me off him, he just wasn't being himself and seemed a lot more careless than usual, the being on Tinder while at dinner thing really got under my skin.

notquitesure

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Why? As Celly points out he's shown no respect for you. I honestly doubt he gives a **** how you feel. I simply text him and tell him you aren't interested in him anymore and won't be visiting him again or contacting him. You getting all angry and pissed off will probably just give him an ego boost and he'll enjoy that more.

That's very true. God, I love the male perspective..

ceadaoin.

It's a cliche at this stage but it sounds like he's just not that into you. He is still playing the field on tinder waiting for someone better to come along but using you for sex in the meantime. He is probably meeting up with others too. He doesn't even like you enough to put the app away when you are having dinner together!

Sorry if that sounds harsh but he is a selfish arse and doesn't deserve your time. Have some self respect and dump him.

strobe

Jesus... Just to summarize. You only see each other twice a month, always you going to him on a two hour train ride, and the one time you stay longer he heads out with a mate leaving you sitting alone in his house til 4am on your own? Whether or not you have sex is completely his call and when you don't he expects oral sex but wont return the favour? And he browses photos of other women on a dating app while out to dinner with you? But he's "a great great guy"? Ah now, he's not really, is he?

If anyone else told you that was the relationship with their boyfriend what would you tell them?

Penny Tration

Doesn't make any time to see you, won't reciprocate sexually, still using a dating app.


Sounds to me like you're not the only woman he's dating.

notquitesure

strobe wrote: »

Jesus... Just to summarize. You only see each other twice a month, always you going to him on a two hour train ride, and the one time you stay longer he heads out with a mate leaving you sitting alone in his house til 4am on your own? Whether or not you have sex is completely his call and when you don't he expects oral sex but wont return the favour? And he browses photos of other women on a dating app while out to dinner with you? But he's "a great great guy"? Ah now.

If anyone else told you that was the relationship with their boyfriend what would you tell them?

No, see he was a great guy BEFORE I noticed all of this in the space of 3 days. It's a mazing what an extra 2 days can do. God forbid, I wouldn't have noticed this for another 2 months had I not stayed longer (sarcasm) The more I type/think about it the more annoyed I get..I can't just text him and say it's over though, 8 months and a Slán isn't very me..

Penny Tration

notquitesure wrote: »

No, see he was a great guy BEFORE I noticed all of this in the space of 3 days. It's a mazing what an extra 2 days can do. God forbid, I wouldn't have noticed this for another 2 months had I not stayed longer (sarcasm) The more I type/think about it the more annoyed I get..I can't just text him and say it's over though, 8 months and a Slán isn't very me..

I'd do it through text, and i wouldn't usually advocate that. Why show him more respect than he's shown you?

Tilly

You kinda have to do it over the phone. You're hardly going to do a 4hr train journey just to dump him. You don't owe him anything by the sounds of it.

notquitesure

strobe wrote: »

Jesus... Just to summarize. You only see each other twice a month, always you going to him on a two hour train ride, and the one time you stay longer he heads out with a mate leaving you sitting alone in his house til 4am on your own? Whether or not you have sex is completely his call and when you don't he expects oral sex but wont return the favour? And he browses photos of other women on a dating app while out to dinner with you? But he's "a great great guy"? Ah now, he's not really, is he?

If anyone else told you that was the relationship with their boyfriend what would you tell them?

And to answer your question - I'd tell her she's deluded and to hit the road but I only noticed all of this Saturday/Sunday night! I couldn't exactly finish it all Monday morning at 6am..Monday's are bad enough without that!

ceadaoin.

notquitesure wrote: »

No, see he was a great guy BEFORE I noticed all of this in the space of 3 days. It's a mazing what an extra 2 days can do. God forbid, I wouldn't have noticed this for another 2 months had I not stayed longer (sarcasm) The more I type/think about it the more annoyed I get..I can't just text him and say it's over though, 8 months and a Slán isn't very me..

A text is probably more than he'll give you once he gets bored or someone better comes along. I wouldn't waste my time and effort going to see him again. If you're hoping he is going to be upset or try and change your mind I think you'll be sorely disappointed.

ahmeeehead

OP, this guy is a dickhead. Please, do not give him the satisfaction. Sadly, I have male acquaintances who treat women like this too. Its probably typical of what you'll find on that dating app.

It really annoys me that men treat women like this (I know the reverse can happen too). There's lots of good guys out there too.

Move on.

DeltaWhite

Please listen to your gut instinct here! He is no good. That is not boyfriend material OP. You know this.

I was unfortunate enough to meet one or 2 guys like him and it never ended well for me. Don't even bother giving him reasons, i know 8 months seems like a huge amount of time and effort but in another 8 months time, you probably won't even give this guy a second thought.

368100

Boy's point of view here and I'm gonna echo all the others here that have just told you to get rid.

He doesn't sound too bothered by the whole thing and just seems in it for his own satisfaction. still being on the app at all never mind whilst he's in your company would say to me he's a tosser.

Tell him where to shove it and move on!

dellas1979

notquitesure wrote: »

I can't just text him and say it's over though, 8 months and a Slán isn't very me..

So what is? A detailed analysis to him of what Strobe put quite eloquently? Pointing out to him hes going to loose you?

Honestly, it doesnt sound like he is bothered at all, but youll still run/make a point to him that he'll never hear (sounds like a bit of an egoist).

I 100% believe you should go with your gut (and listen to it) on this one.

Blue Whale

Lad here, I'm reading similar traits to a Lady I foolishly fell for years ago. Pure evil..God I wish I could turn the clock back...get rid and never look back.

LegacyUser

Gawd op why are you wasting your energy on him or even thinking about him?? He was on tinder while out at dinner with you!!!!! Why contact him again at all? Wait for him to text and tell him its over...what a head wreck

IlmoNT4

Why even bother texting him? Just ignore him and move on...He sounds horrible and any contact with him is not going to be good for you.

If you think that by texting, calling or seeing him to break up with him will affect him, it wouldnt, he wouldnt care and you'll be even more drawn in and upset because you'll want to talk it out or have some drama filled ending.

delete and forget...

Tilly

Don't ignore him. That's the childish cowards way out. Be the bigger person.

tinkerbell

OP, you've already got a lot of good advice but I noticed something in your OP which hasn't been mentioned in any replies yet. You say he refuses to have oral sex with you until you get tested and you find that "a bit insulting"? How the heck is that insulting? He's being careful with his health - he doesn't know if you've got an STI and neither do you unless you've been tested. If he expects you to give him oral sex then I presume he has been tested? If not, he's an ass and is a complete double standard.

Regardless, he sounds like an ass anyway from his other behaviour and I would not bother with him anymore.

IlmoNT4

If the guy was a decent sort I'd say absolutely talk to him and break up face to face

but he doesnt care, and he hasnt treated her very well so yeah I would ignore him and by ignore I mean I would initiate any more conversations, if he gets in touch say thanks but no thanks. I dont think thats childish.

Who has a g/f over for a weekend and leaves her at home to go out drinking with a mate? Surely she could have gone out with them, or his pal could have come over to the house... thats not cool. I think if the OP makes a big thing of contacting him to break up then its feeding into drama and is going to make the OP upset.

notquitesure

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, you've already got a lot of good advice but I noticed something in your OP which hasn't been mentioned in any replies yet. You say he refuses to have oral sex with you until you get tested and you find that "a bit insulting"? How the heck is that insulting? He's being careful with his health - he doesn't know if you've got an STI and neither do you unless you've been tested. If he expects you to give him oral sex then I presume he has been tested? If not, he's an ass and is a complete double standard.

Regardless, he sounds like an ass anyway from his other behaviour and I would not bother with him anymore.

I think the whole thing about me "getting tested" was just an excuse. He said he "just doesn't do oral sex" the last time we were together after I got annoyed and gave out a bit about him wanting that and there being absolutely nothing in it for me afterwords, he wasn't even interested in having sex. Literally the weirdest situation I have ever been in with a guy.

CaraMay

notquitesure wrote: »

I think the whole thing about me "getting tested" was just an excuse. He said he "just doesn't do oral sex" the last time we were together after I got annoyed and gave out a bit about him wanting that and there being absolutely nothing in it for me afterwords, he wasn't even interested in having sex. Literally the weirdest situation I have ever been in with a guy.

Dump him.

notquitesure

loulou2009 wrote: »

If the guy was a decent sort I'd say absolutely talk to him and break up face to face

but he doesnt care, and he hasnt treated her very well so yeah I would ignore him and by ignore I mean I would initiate any more conversations, if he gets in touch say thanks but no thanks. I dont think thats childish.

Who has a g/f over for a weekend and leaves her at home to go out drinking with a mate? Surely she could have gone out with them, or his pal could have come over to the house... thats not cool. I think if the OP makes a big thing of contacting him to break up then its feeding into drama and is going to make the OP upset.

I'm not a very dramatic person when it comes to fighting/bickering to start with, I just tend to back away and become silent when all that crap starts. But could you really just not respond to someone you made all that effort to see for the past 8 months. Don't get me wrong he is a complete dickhead and the weekend I had was horrendous but I can't just not respond, can I ?

CaraMay

notquitesure wrote: »

I'm not a very dramatic person when it comes to fighting/bickering to start with, I just tend to back away and become silent when all that crap starts. But could you really just not respond to someone you made all that effort to see for the past 8 months. Don't get me wrong he is a complete dickhead and the weekend I had was horrendous but I can't just not respond, can I ?

You can reply and say it's not going to work out between you and that you wish him the best of luck in his future, then radio silence. He has treated you like cràp, don't let it happen anymore

bee06

notquitesure wrote: »

I'm not a very dramatic person when it comes to fighting/bickering to start with, I just tend to back away and become silent when all that crap starts. But could you really just not respond to someone you made all that effort to see for the past 8 months. Don't get me wrong he is a complete dickhead and the weekend I had was horrendous but I can't just not respond, can I ?

Just phone him and tell him it's not working out.

LegacyUser

notquitesure wrote: »

I'm not a very dramatic person when it comes to fighting/bickering to start with, I just tend to back away and become silent when all that crap starts. But could you really just not respond to someone you made all that effort to see for the past 8 months. Don't get me wrong he is a complete dickhead and the weekend I had was horrendous but I can't just not respond, can I ?

Op you are overthinking it? Yeah you can just not respond, let him come to you if he is really interested. If he is still in a dating site how do you know he hasn't been completely faithful? It might be worth your while getting an STI check up, everything seems to be on his terms and you are doing too all the running!

Stavro Mueller

notquitesure wrote: »

I'm not a very dramatic person when it comes to fighting/bickering to start with, I just tend to back away and become silent when all that crap starts. But could you really just not respond to someone you made all that effort to see for the past 8 months. Don't get me wrong he is a complete dickhead and the weekend I had was horrendous but I can't just not respond, can I ?

Ah but see this is it. YOU were the one who was putting in all the effort from what I can see. For what? Just so you could spend less than a day with him twice a month? I can't understand why you had to leave on Saturday afternoons. Why couldn't you just have hung around the house while he was at work or gone shopping or something? It sounds like he didn't want you around. As for when he went out with his friend - why couldn't he have brought you along?

It wouldn't surprise me if he had another woman (or women) on the go all the time you and him were supposedly an item. He must think you're an awful eejit altogether if he was blatantly using Tinder under your nose.

Whatever you do, please don't get onto that train and waste your money going to see him in person. I'm glad the scales have finally fallen from your eyes and you're starting to see what he's really like. When you get over this, you'll be annoyed at yourself if you do foolishly go visit him.

Merkin

He sounds like a Grade-A a55hole. I wouldn't even bother dumping him and just cut contact because he sounds so palpably disinterested that he probably wouldn't even notice. :rolleyes: He's not treating you respectfully or kindly in any way whatsoever.

notquitesure

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Ah but see this is it. YOU were the one who was putting in all the effort from what I can see. For what? Just so you could spend less than a day with him twice a month? I can't understand why you had to leave on Saturday afternoons. Why couldn't you just have hung around the house while he was at work or gone shopping or something? It sounds like he didn't want you around. As for when he went out with his friend - why couldn't he have brought you along?

It wouldn't surprise me if he had another woman (or women) on the go all the time you and him were supposedly an item. He must think you're an awful eejit altogether if he was blatantly using Tinder under your nose.

Whatever you do, please don't get onto that train and waste your money going to see him in person. I'm glad the scales have finally fallen from your eyes and you're starting to see what he's really like. When you get over this, you'll be annoyed at yourself if you do foolishly go visit him.

Like a knife to the heart!

CaraMay

notquitesure wrote: »

Like a knife to the heart!

You can't be surprised?!?!?

How often does he contact you? Come to visit you? Can't believe he stayed out til 4 am when he could have been home in bed with you.

notquitesure

CaraMay wrote: »

You can't be surprised?!?!?

How often does he contact you? Come to visit you? Can't believe he stayed out til 4 am when he could have been home in bed with you.

No way! It was like a knife because everything I read made sense and was true. Before bed for an hour most nights and never. I need to say something to him, it's killing me. I can't leave it.

Stavro Mueller

notquitesure wrote: »

No way! It was like a knife because everything I read made sense and was true. Before bed for an hour most nights and never. I need to say something to him, it's killing me. I can't leave it.

Whatever you decide to do, I think it would be a very good idea to leave it until tomorrow. Calling/texting when your emotions are all over the place will do you no favours

dellas1979

notquitesure wrote: »

I can't leave it.

I dont understand your posts.

You cant leave what?

"Hi John. This isnt working out for me. Its not what I want. I do wish you well. Mary."

Sounds more like you wont than cant OP.

CaraMay

What do you expect to gain by calling him on his behaviour?

notquitesure

dellas1979 wrote: »

I dont understand your posts.

You cant leave what?

"Hi John. This isnt working out for me. Its not what I want. I do wish you well. Mary."

Sounds more like you wont than cant OP.

*without talking to him about it.

Stavro Mueller

What is there to talk about? He chose to treat you in this manner. Why would you want to go out with someone who has treated you so disrespectfully?

strobe

notquitesure wrote: »

*without talking to him about it.

But what's he going to say that'll give you any comfort or closure? Either, refute all your grievances and turn it back on you "well I only did x, cause you did y, so it's your fault". Or deny them completely "you're completely wrong about x,y,z and being ridiculous" or respond with apathy "grand we're done so, whatever", or get angry and defensive "well go **** yourself so you're just a..."?
I dunno, can't see any benefit. I think if you feel you just have to get everything off your chest then fire out a text or email with them in it stating they are why things are over, then block his number and facebook and whatever else immediately afterwards, and let that be that. He knows it's over and why, and you move on. Cause I really don't think there's anything in any response he's going to have that's going to make you glad you read it.

cork2013

Out with a 'friend' until 4am on a Saturday night you weren't suppossed to be there???
Tinder friend perhaps while you sat at home watching The Saturday Night Show! He seems disloyal, disinterested & dismissive.
Disembark the train, it's heading for disaster!
You deserve better, I doubt he is giving all this as much thought and time as you are. Look after yourself & if he texts just reply with a simple ' gd'luck' !

ahmeeehead

OP, you sound determined to try and continue to with this guy, despite 5 pages telling you otherwise. Good luck with that.

Stavro Mueller

OP you've got to ask yourself some hard questions about this. From what I can see, this relationship hasn't been all that great for quite a while. A lot of things were wrong here, from sex to his not wanting you around very much. It's mind-boggling that after the Tinder revelation, you didn't dump him on the spot. You've been the one doing all the coaxing to date and you've got to ask yourself why you have been willing to put with all that you did. As most posters here will tell you, if a guy is interested in you, you'll know all about it. Sometimes people tell you things about themselves, not through words but through what they do. You seem to have lost the ability to read this. Please don't be foolish and try to keep this relationship going. Or indeed, to try and discuss it with him. You're so invested in this that I could see him talking you round so he can continue to use you.

notquitesure

notquitesure wrote: »

*without talking to him about it.

There's nothing to talk about.
Don't mistake YOU wanting to resolve this with him wanting to, because he won't, and it doesn't work that way.
Send the text and move on.

ladygirl

OP - I cannot understand why people come on boards to seek advice yet kind of recluse back into a shell when they dont get the response that they want to hear. Did you honestly think that anyone was going to tell you to talk it out with him and maybe work it out?? You are deluding yourself

You have gotten fantastic advice so far in this thread and I dont think there has been a single poster that has given this guy the benefit of the doubt - however you seem to have your mind already made up.

Best of luck, you sure will need it!!!!