What's it like to date an only child (boy)?

ThatFatGal

Have you been in a long term relationship with an only child man?

How do you deal with the family dynamic when his parents are very dependant on him emotionally? There is also an element of his mother seriously mammying him which he gets somewhat annoyed with but doesn't object to because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

If it's any information, the mother wears the pants in this house and the father has a mental illness, hence no voice in the house.

Emme

ThatFatGal wrote: »

Have you been in a long term relationship with an only child man?

How do you deal with the family dynamic when his parents are very dependant on him emotionally? There is also an element of his mother seriously mammying him which he gets somewhat annoyed with but doesn't object to because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

If it's any information, the mother wears the pants in this house and the father has a mental illness, hence no voice in the house.

Does he live at home? If so it would be a tricky situation. This man needs someone who is willing to support him in cutting ties from his family - if you are in a serious LTR with him you might both consider emigrating. That would be the only chance this man would have of getting any kind of a life.

Daisy03

Emme wrote: »

Does he live at home? If so it would be a tricky situation. This man needs someone who is willing to support him in cutting ties from his family - if you are in a serious LTR with him you might both consider emigrating. That would be the only chance this man would have of getting any kind of a life.

Talk of "cutting ties" and emigrating are a bit extreme! He doesn't need to cut ties. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and not be afraid to do what is best for him even if it upsets his parents.

Sorry OP I have no other advice for you. I think he just has to start acting like an adult and let his mum know that he is no longer a child. It needn't be anything as extreme as the above.

Emme

Daisy03 wrote: »

Talk of "cutting ties" and emigrating are a bit extreme! He doesn't need to cut ties. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and not be afraid to do what is best for him even if it upsets his parents.

Sorry OP I have no other advice for you. I think he just has to start acting like an adult and let his mum know that he is no longer a child. It needn't be anything as extreme as the above.

I disagree. The boy's mother is probably treating him as a surrogate husband and as long as he is within reasonable distance of the family home he will be at her beck and call. It is easier to distance yourself from your family if you live in Sydney or Toronto and they live in Dublin than it would be if you lived in Newbridge and they lived in Dublin.

The Cool

It's hard to say OP, and it's not just down to him being an only child - there are lads with bigger families whose mums are still very emotionally reliant on them (as with some girls too I guess). As in, I'm the eldest of 4 and my OH is the eldest of 3, but there's a massive difference in our family dynamics - I would go a week without calling home to check in, whereas his mum is the type to send a few texts a day as well as a phonecall.

In my case, being with me my OH came to see that as an adult, it's totally ok and actually appropriate to cut the apron strings a bit, without feeling guilty - you have to make your own life without holding mammys hand, and likewise she has to understand her child is not a child any more! So there'd be evenings he'd come home from work with missed calls on his phone from mum, and he'd text her to say, nothing here to report, I'll call you soon.
Mind you there are still arguments and upset sometimes when I feel he is getting his priorities mixed up, but sure all you can do is talk about it.
Have a conversation about it, communication and compromise, etc etc!

Good luck!

Greenmachine

Your boyfriends issue is not that he is a only child, but the dynamic of his family relationships. I have known a few "only child's" most as perfectly well adjusted a few of them are pretty spoilt and mothered. I could say that about some people who came from larger families too.

LegacyUser

OP asking what it's like to date an only child could give you as many answers as there are people who don't have brothers or sisters. There's no point generalising.

I am an only child and my two long-term ex-boyfriends are too. The universe didn't implode because of our families' demands on us. In fact, we're all very independent people and if anything the reason I was drawn to those two at different stages of my life was that they are independent and like their own space just as much as I do.

I, as an only child, am so used to keeping busy doing my own thing that I don't expect a lot from others.

Emme

Emme wrote: »

I disagree. The boy's mother is probably treating him as a surrogate husband and as long as he is within reasonable distance of the family home he will be at her beck and call. It is easier to distance yourself from your family if you live in Sydney or Toronto and they live in Dublin than it would be if you lived in Newbridge and they lived in Dublin.

That's a lot of assumption there, and still nothing that can't be dealt with by setting some adult boundaries. He doesn't have to leave the country to do that.

It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to not to want to emigrate if he's an only child, maybe he wants to be there for his parents as they get older. It's not a choice between beck and call or living at the other end of the planet!

DazMarz

I'll insert my tuppence worth here, I think.

I'm a guy, I'm an only child and I'm 26 years old. I've been living out on my own since I was 22. While I was in University, I lived at home, because it made sense (lived less than 40 minutes drive from the Uni) and it made financial sense too. Graduated at 21, got a job. But still lived at home, because I was equal parts lazy and greedy (loving having loads of money to spend on trips to Stamford Bridge to see Chelsea and going drinking and gambling all the time and on expensive clothes and all that).

Then the argument. One morning, I came home from work at about 7am (I worked crazy long hours sometimes; I'd been in work most of the night). Something I did or said ruffled the mother's feathers the wrong way. A blazing argument ensued, much worse than any we ever had before, and culminated within a week I'd moved out of home.

At this point in my life, I'd never done a load of washing, I'd never seriously had to cook for myself every day, I'd never gone shopping properly, I'd never properly cleaned a house before, I'd never done all of the millions of little things that an Irish Mammy does.

What happened? I adapted. Sink or swim, guys. I learned how to use the washing machine and dryer very quickly (as I didn't want to be reeking!!!), I very rapidly learned how to cook (and I'm a dab-hand at it now), I'm an expert at doing grocery shopping, I'm very untidy still, but NOT dirty (as in, I'll leave work papers and stuff lying about, but NEVER dirty dishes or clothes... as I said, untidy, but not dirty). I am, in my own opinion of course, a fully domesticated creature. I have no one to pick up after me, nobody to wash my clothes, nobody to do my shopping and nobody to cook for me. Do I care? No, I love it. I'm independent and domesticated and I find it grand. I love being totally self-sufficient and being able to stand firmly on my own two feet.

Not knowing how to do stuff like cooking is like not knowing how to f**k. It's a life-skill, basically. If you cannot cook, you have to learn rapidly. And by cooking I don't mean Pot-Noodle. I mean a proper meal that you could cook for yourself or for a few people. Homemade carbonara or chicken parmesan are my two specialities. But I also do a brilliant bangers and mash for when I'm lazy.

Basically, my point is that I was a bit daunted at the thought of leaving Mammy and Daddy's house. For ages I was. But it was one blazing argument that just pushed me over the edge. Relations with my folks have actually improved dramatically since I moved out. There's a bit more respect there for a start.

What surprised me is how quickly I adapted. Up until I moved out, I was a pure Mammy's boy. When I moved out, I swiftly learned how to do all those little things. I also learned of the joys of paying bills. :P

Not every male only child is a big man-child. For sure, they exist. I know many of them! But the fact is that some of us do get on in life, are domesticated and are not the helpless f**ks that some would make us out to be.

MagicMarker

Emme wrote: »

Does he live at home? If so it would be a tricky situation. This man needs someone who is willing to support him in cutting ties from his family - if you are in a serious LTR with him you might both consider emigrating. That would be the only chance this man would have of getting any kind of a life.

WTF?!!

hairycakes

I'm in a relationship with an only child. His mother is a single parent with zero involvement from the father. The dynamic is quite bizarre. i get on well with her but she treats him like a child even down to what clothes he is wearing. She will constantly berate him for the smallest of things though generally not when I'm around. It has actually affected him quite badly. He definitely has issues because of it. She rarely supports anything he does and never gives him encouragement. He has undertaken a course while currently working and she'll continually pass comments about why he's not top of the class. It's very frustrating. He has very low self esteem because of it all. We are both living at home because we are saving for a deposit for a mortgage. Until we can move out, he is stuck with this.

Lemming

hairycakes wrote: »

I'm in a relationship with an only child. His mother is a single parent with zero involvement from the father. The dynamic is quite bizarre. i get on well with her but she treats him like a child even down to what clothes he is wearing. She will constantly berate him for the smallest of things though generally not when I'm around. It has actually affected him quite badly. He definitely has issues because of it. She rarely supports anything he does and never gives him encouragement. He has undertaken a course while currently working and she'll continually pass comments about why he's not top of the class. It's very frustrating. He has very low self esteem because of it all. We are both living at home because we are saving for a deposit for a mortgage. Until we can move out, he is stuck with this.

His mother's behaviour is nothing to do with him being an only child though; it looks to me like her projecting her own frustrations onto him, effectively using him as a punching bag for what she perceives as her own short comings. She possibly has low self-esteem herself and is bullying him to make herself feel 'in control' of something - anything.

hairycakes

That's a fair point Lemming and I do definitely agree. I always thought myself that it may be down to the fact she was a single mom at 19, at a time when it wasn't as commonplace as it is now, and that, in a way, she is using him to prove a point to her detractors at the time. It is all about appearance and her idea of success. She pushed him into college after school even though he is not academic and had no interest. He told her he would prefer to do a trade and had already spoken to a guy about taking him on as an apprentice. But carpenter wasn't good enough for her and he went to college. He subsequently failed exams and had to repeat, the same thing happened the next year but he failed the repeats also and decided to leave it to the taunts of 'if you weren't so stupid...'. He then went through a period of doing odd jobs and the dole. Was offered a full time job as a floor person in a warehouse but that wasn't good enough either and she convinced him to turn it down. It's never about what makes him happy, only what looks or sounds good to people. He is paranoid about how he looks, always conscious of what he is wearing, has no confidence about his intelligence or himself even though he is so kind, sweet, considerate, polite, handsome, always makes an effort with people, always helps out in the community. He is always getting praise from people, just not from her. She certainly has control issues. I do think being an only child is relevant in the situation as she can have control of him totally. I don't think she would be so bad if there were other children. However, it probably has more to do with her being a single parent!

Snoopy1

I'm an only child (female) and I'm very independent. I moved from england to Ireland for a man who had 3 brothers, but was completely under control of the mother. I'd never seen anything like it all 4 brothers refusedto move.out of the town she lived in they ddid everything she wanted.
I found it very hard as I'd just moved away from my parents, whereas they wouldn't. I tried cutting the apron strings but he wouldn't
Eventually I left and 6 years later all the brothers still live near her.
So what I'm saying I'm an only child and I was bought up.to be independent
It doesn't matter if the fella is an only child, it's about his maturity and how he was bought up.

The Strawman Argument

It probably depends on how much he gives in to her really. I'm not an only child but certain members of my family have always been very needy and dependent on me in a lot of ways. It's extremely hard to break that kind of thing off when it's how you've been trained to deal with the world, even when you're not letting them have their way there can be this big ridiculous sense of guilt and it winds up effecting your relationships with people outside of your family too.

Wouldn't focus on her much at all, it's his job to distance himself some there, she's not gonna change until she has to. If it's consistently consuming him to the point that it's bogging you down too and he's unable to find a way to reduce it, there's not a whole lot you can do.

ivytwine

I'm an only kid (girl) and very independent. Cooking, cleaning, working, paying bills, etc. And I once dated a guy with two siblings whose Mammy did stuff like arranging his driving test.

This isn't to do with how many siblings he has, but rather how he, as an individual, deals with his family dynamic.

Littlekittylou

I know an only child guy who is the nicest guy I know.:P