Miscarriage

LegacyUser

I have miscarried multiple times. Always early on. Probably more times than we're aware of, considering times when we weren't using protection.

We also have had healthy pregnancies, resulting in amazing fascinating little people.

I don't mourn my miscarriages. (The most recent - yesterday.) It was something that might have been - but that wasn't. I'm not upset. It would have been nice - but obviously the baby was unwell in some way, and I'm glad that the pregnancy ended early and no pain was caused.

Equally I absolutely understand and empathise with people who mourn their miscarriages as a loss. It's strange. I can see why it could be so awful. But I don't find it so, and I don't see anything wrong with this? It was just something that never happened - for me.

As one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, I'd love to hear others' experiences.

skallywag

I guess everyone is different OP, and I have also taken your own view myself in the past, I don't think that there is anything wrong with it at all. That is to say it's possible to be disappointed without being overly upset to the point of mourning.

Neyite

I'd be a bit like you OP, I mourned them at the time and moved on. I'm upset at the time, then a little sad when I think about them from time to time from then on, but quite pragmatic about the fact that something went awry in the development that prevented the foetus from being viable.

The only one I do think of more, is the one that would have been a twin to my toddler - every once in a while I imagine his twin there and what family life would be like - especially at certain milestones or achievements.

I do think that miscarriage is a fact of life and I think a lot of women don't know that 20% - 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and many women are blind-sided when they miscarry as they dont expect it. Also a lot of women think that when they see a scan, it means a pregnancy is ok and will survive. But that was only because the first scan tended to be around the 12 week mark and the incidence for miscarriage drops dramatically after 12 weeks, so it was coincidental. Now scans can be as early as 7 weeks, and also can be paid for privately. But I know two women who miscarried in the second trimester so its not a given once you hit the 12 week mark either.

Information for women dealing with a miscarriage is woefully scant too. We are expected to know what to do - we are not even told what sanitary protection might be best to cope with the bleeding, or how long the bleeding might last, what is within normal ranges of bleeding and when to go to hospital or how to know when the sac is passed.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Information for women dealing with a miscarriage is woefully scant too. We are expected to know what to do - we are not even told what sanitary protection might be best to cope with the bleeding, or how long the bleeding might last, what is within normal ranges of bleeding and when to go to hospital or how to know when the sac is passed.

If it's ok, can I ask about this. I'm miscarrying now, at 8 weeks, and bleeding heavily.Have been on and off since the pregnancy started. I asked the doctor if I could use tampons, and she said definitely not. I've never used pads before, and I'm finding them horrible. I can't take time off work, and I feel like the pads are visible under my work clothes, and - I know this is awful - but I'm worried colleagues might smell it. I've always used tampons so maybe some pads are better than others?

Please, I really need advice on this. Not even just from anyone who's had a miscarriage, from anyone who uses pads.

Also, I was told I'd be bleeding 'for the foreseeable future' - how long is foreseeable? How long should I put my life on hold, and when should my cycle be normal again? All my doctor says is "time will tell", but I'd like some sort of a clue! (Yes I'm looking for a new GP!)

It's these practical things.

meeeeh

I had three miscarriages and have two kids. A the miscarriages were in the first trimester and as such I view them as something that happens every so often. I think I would feel differently if they would happen after baby started moving or if I would have trouble conceiving.

I remember the second miscarriage when I was lying in hospital just glad to be alive after I lost an awful lot of blood, and there were nurses coming with different leaflets about how to cope with grief. And I did wonder is it wrong that all I feel is tiredness and happiness that I am still alive? When I had last miscarriage I just told them that I have all the stuff from before and they left me alone.

That being said I find miscarriages and pregnancy in general very uncomfortable (I had no other issues) and while my partner wouldn't mind another child I think I am done with all the hassle.

eviltwin

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I have had at least one confirmed m/c, possibly one other as well. I didn't feel any sadness only relief as I was not in the right place to have a child. I felt relief too because I was using contraception and didn't know I was pregnant, I felt very sick in work and thought there was something really wrong with me so it was a relief to know it wasn't a serious problem. Looking back I sometimes wonder what might have been but I wouldn't have the children I have now and I wouldn't be without them for the world. Physically its a lot to go through so I hope you are feeling okay and recovering well.

Addle

You can be grateful for what you have OP, but many who want a family can't have one and I imagine that a miscarriage might be a lot harder for them to deal with.
I write that not belittling anyone's experience. It's a very individual thing.
I've had two miscarriages and the few that know about them would consider that I got over them quickly. They don't know that nearly every day I wonder what might have been and what stages those children could be at now.
I could never be one to release a balloon or keep a reminder though.

Neyite

Addle wrote: »

You can be grateful for what you have OP, but many who want a family can't have one and I imagine that a miscarriage might be a lot harder for them to deal with.
I write that not belittling anyone's experience. It's a very individual thing.
I've had two miscarriages and the few that know about them would consider that I got over them quickly. They don't know that nearly every day o wonder what might have been and what stages those children could be at now.
I could never be one to release a balloon or keep a reminder though.

I'm not sure it makes a difference. But I agree that its very individual to every woman.

I know women who have had no trouble conceiving and deeply mourn the losses they had despite having very large families. Then the likes of me, TTC since 2009, conceived twins after 2 years with Clomid, lost one, then got pregnant twice in 2013 naturally with both resulting in early losses, and back to the Clomid ding-dong at the moment and not a sniff of a pregnancy. But I had the same feelings as the OP when I began to miscarry the last time, sad but pragmatic. In fact, I began to bleed on Sunday night and still went to work on the Monday and for the rest of the week.

Keepsake wise, I'd be the opposite of you - I deliberately try to avoid wondering what milestone they would have reached, but I have the Christmas Tree decorations for the three, and contemplating getting a small tattoo for each.

I think though, there is no single 'right' way to grieve, or to move on, and whatever gives a woman her emotional comfort or solace is ultimately all that matters.

With us, I think the losses affected my partner more than me. A lot of men would not know the high rate of miscarriage, and its only in recent times that miscarried babies were even discussed openly. Which is healthy.

LegacyUser

I would agree with the last post. For some people a miscarriage is a private thing and they don't want other people to know about it. For other people getting pregnant is not easy and then having a miscarriage after a long period of trying to get pregnant can be a another blow. It can be very hard for partners and husbands also.

A number of years ago one of my relatives miscarried her first child which was very much wanted. She would talk about it but her husband found it hard. She contacted the miscarriage association for some support. Both her and her husband went to a memorial mass arranged by the miscarriage association. They met people in the same situation as themselves and they could talk to them about what happened. It helped them both out a lot at the time.
The miscarriage association - www.miscarriage.ie.

Neyite

captchaever wrote: »

If it's ok, can I ask about this. I'm miscarrying now, at 8 weeks, and bleeding heavily.Have been on and off since the pregnancy started. I asked the doctor if I could use tampons, and she said definitely not. I've never used pads before, and I'm finding them horrible. I can't take time off work, and I feel like the pads are visible under my work clothes, and - I know this is awful - but I'm worried colleagues might smell it. I've always used tampons so maybe some pads are better than others?

Please, I really need advice on this. Not even just from anyone who's had a miscarriage, from anyone who uses pads.

Also, I was told I'd be bleeding 'for the foreseeable future' - how long is foreseeable? How long should I put my life on hold, and when should my cycle be normal again? All my doctor says is "time will tell", but I'd like some sort of a clue! (Yes I'm looking for a new GP!)

It's these practical things.

I'm sorry i only saw this now.
I actually used newborn nappies the first few days.- these days they are very thin, and opening them up without using the sticky tabs. The elastic holds in clots that don't absorb into a pad, can cope with any big gushes too. I wore ordinary jeans and a long cardigan. They are better at night time too than pads. Another tip from that forum was to wear two pairs of underwear - snug fitting briefs or boypants style. Once the clotting eases off you can switch to pads when the flow is lighter.

Pain relief - usually otc pain relief is enough, but if you are a bit further along you might need to ask your doctor for something stronger. Hot water bottles for comfort. Mine felt like a longer, heavier, sorer period with more clotting.

Length of bleeding? Probably varies from woman to woman and also how far along you are but when I was 8 weeks I think it lasted about 8 days, maybe 10. After I passed the sac it felt more or less like a period from then.

If you feel feverish go to hospital pronto.

I think my cycles were normal enough after- returned within 4 weeks.